Episode 4 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishment from ancient times

# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #

I'm from the Greek city state of Sparta,

famous for its flower-growers and painters.

Ha-ha! I'm doing a joke!

It was famous for its warriors

and our ground-breaking fighting formations.

Go, Sparta!

Men of Sparta, you are the finest fighters in the known world.

Soon the battlefield will run red with the enemy's blood.

ALL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Form the phalanx.

Your hoplite shield is a symbol of our warrior bond,

for not only does it protect you, it protects the man beside you.

Spartans, are you ready for war?

ALL: Hoorah!

Uh...General?

What is it?

Well, um, my shield's protecting him, but I'm at the left end

of the phalanx and there's no shield protecting me.

I feel a bit exposed.

Haven't got time for this,

-we're late for battle as it is.

-Well, I was thinking,

maybe if I just went to the other end of the line,

-I'd be better covered.

-All right, then, go on, then.

-Nice one!

-Now, is everybody happy?

Yes, go on, then.

If you must.

Yeah, all right.

Can of worms, this, isn't it?

HE LAUGHS

The Spartan warriors were, of course, famously brave,

but it's true that the man on the end was less protected,

and because of this,

phalanx formations used to drift to the right when they charged

as everyone tried to get behind their neighbour's shield.

And here's the story of a famous Spartan general.

CRASHING

'The movie event the world has been waiting for since 470 BC.

'The epic tale of Spartan General Pausanius.

'A story of honour.'

General Pausanius, a message from the elders.

You are to return to Sparta at once.

You are accused of dishonourably siding with the enemy.

How dare they accuse me of siding with the Persians?

Just for that, I'm going to side with the Persians.

'Oh, no, it's not a story of honour.'

Take this to King Xerxes.

It is of vital importance

and must only be opened by the Persian king himself.

Yes, sir, I will guard it with my life.

'Pausanius, a story of loyalty.'

Thinking about it, none of the messengers

Pausanius sends to King Xerxes ever seems to come back.

Hm. Might just have a quick peek at what this letter says.

'Hold on, you shouldn't be reading that.'

"Let's join forces against Sparta. Can I marry your daughter?"

Hang on! "Once you have read this letter, kill the messenger."

Right, that's it, I'm going to show this to the Spartan elders.

Honestly, you think you know someone!

'So it's not a story of loyalty, then.'

The Spartans are coming for me.

I know, I'll hide in the Temple of Athena.

It is holy ground, they can't touch me there.

'Pausanius, a story of cunning.'

I'm in the temple, can't touch me.

No, but we can brick up the entrances with you inside.

Men, seal the doors, let him starve to death.

Got to be honest, didn't think of that.

'Pausanius, a story of...bricklaying, apparently.

'A movie event not to be missed,

'unless, of course, you're like totally bricked inside a temple.'

Rub in, why don't you? Rub it in.

'Rated C for Confusing.'

Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages.

It's 1064 and the Norman Conquest is well under way.

No, that can't be right, the Norman Conquest was 1066.

Oh, there were lots of other Norman Conquests.

They conquered Southern Italy, they conquered Cyprus,

they conquered parts of Greece and they conquered the Holy Land.

That's what you call a game of conkers!

Mike Peabody is with them as they try to conquer Sicily. Mike.

Thanks, Sam. I'm here at the siege of Palermo in Sicily,

where the Norman Army look set to take the city.

I'm hoping to get a word with their commander,

Sir Robert Guiscard, and ask him what makes the Normans

the most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom.

Sir Robert, how's it going?

We have taken the high ground.

It's the perfect position from where to attack the city,

but there are problems.

And what are they?

Ah, ooh, ooh! The whole place is crawling with spiders. Ooh, ooh!

Sir Robert, perhaps you should save the victory dance

until after you've actually won the battle.

Oh, no, no, this is for the bite. Yes, it can be fatal.

The locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing.

-Does that work?

-There's no harm in trying.

Ow! Ow! I see what you mean.

-Yes, you might want to...er...

-Oh. Oh, OK.

This looks like a disaster, Sir Robert.

Most of your soldiers have been bitten by spiders.

No, no, I haven't, I just like dancing.

Right. And what's the second problem?

Cacti. The whole place is covered in cacti. Argh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

-Would you mind terribly?

-Not at all.

-Ah, ah, ooh.

-Well, at least it can't get any worse.

Not only does the bite have a good chance of killing you,

-it also has another effect.

-What's that?

BREAKS WIND Oh! Oh!

I'm so sorry. The bites also cause severe attacks of wind.

Those are the only attacks that will happen today!

I'm calling the battle off!

SIR ROBERT BREAKS WIND Oh. Well, there we have it.

The greatest soldiers in the Middle Ages

defeated by cacti and a load of spiders, and of course some...

SOLDIERS BREAK WIND Oh, dear.

So this is Mike Peabody, at the siege of Palermo,

really wishing he was somewhere else, somewhere a lot less windy.

HE LAUGHS

They should make a show out of that, Strictly Come Dancing And Farting!

If you listen carefully, that's what some of the celebs do anyway. Hmm.

Now, as we all know, the Normans went on to invade England in 1066.

But did you know what actually won them the Battle of Hastings?

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Ha-hee! #

Next!

Ooh, goody! Two for the price of one. Ooh, 1066!

MIMICS BUZZER Battle of Hastings.

Shouldn't one of you have an arrow through his eye?

Oh, right, cos...yeah...!

Neither of us are King Harold, actually.

No, we're King Harold's brothers. I'm Gyrth.

-And I'm Leofwine.

-Oh, King Harold's brothers.

If your deaths are half as stupid as your names,

we're in for a real cracker! HE LAUGHS

-Proceed.

-So, basically, it was the day of the battle

and us Saxons had taken the high ground

and were looking down on the invading army.

Our brother, King Harold, had lined up with his housecarls,

which are the elite Saxon warriors. We were in charge of the fyrdmen.

So Leofwind and Gwurthrun are in charge of the freurdmen?

The fyrdmen. It's soldiers who haven't got that much armour,

but make up for it with their enthusiasm.

-Oh, they have got so much enthusiasm.

-Yeah.

-It's epic!

Anyway, the Norman cavalry attacked our Saxon shield wall.

-Three, two, one!

-BOTH: Shield wall! Yeah.

And faced with a wall of spears and swords and axes

-and spears and stuff, they had no choice but to just flee.

-Yeah.

Saxons - one, Normans - nil.

And then we charged down the hill with our fyrdmen

-to finish off the Normans.

-BOTH: Yeah!

Well, it turns out their fleeing was just a trick

and they turned round and their cavalry attacked us.

So now you no longer have the upper ground?

We didn't have the shield wall either, cos we'd broken rank.

Yeah. They ripped us to pieces, actually.

-But fair play to them.

-No, seriously fair play.

-They really gave it a good battle.

-I'd say, in a sort of battle report,

-I'd probably give them nine.

-Yeah.

-And then I'd give us probably six.

So let me get this straight,

the Normans were losing until you two ran down the hill,

causing the end of your brother, King Harold,

the end of Saxon rule in England,

and, in fact, the end of the Saxon era altogether?

-Yeah, in a nutshell, yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

-Ooh, hey! You caused this. The end of an

-ear-a!

HE LAUGHS BOTH: What?

I'm wasted on these idiots. You're through to the afterlife.

-Cheers, mate.

-Yeah.

-He's a good bloke.

-And hurry up about it.

Noose Women's about to start. Did you hear what I said then?

I said Noose Women instead of Loose Women. Oh, you heard?

Well, laughing wouldn't kill you. Not now, anyway!

Next!

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo! #

Yes, after our victory at the Battle of Hastings,

we Normans changed England for ever.

We even changed the way people spoke.

Bam ba-bam!

HE GASPS

In 1607, settlers sailed across the Atlantic

and set up the first English colony in North America.

'Previously on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation.

'After a voyage lasting almost five months,

'104 English adventurers finally arrive in America.'

Huh! Wet stockings, I hate that.

'They're here to find gold. They're to make history.

'They're here to settle in America.'

Well, this is our first night on American soil

-and we've discovered a river.

-BUZZING

And mosquitoes. Plenty of mosquitoes.

We'll need to find a name for the river, though,

something that the King of England, King James, will approve of.

Um...

Ah, good name, the King'll like it. We shall build our town here.

-Splendid.

-BUZZING

-Oi!

-Mosquito.

Oh. Oh, thanks, I think.

So what are we going to call our town, then?

We should give it a name that King James would approve of.

BOTH: Hmm...

'The settlers have all built their homes in Jamestown,

'but was it such a good choice of location?'

This is such a lovely spot,

I wonder why the native Indians don't live here.

-It could be something to do with the swamp.

-Yes, could be the swamp.

Could be the lack of drinkable water.

Yes, could be the lack of drinkable water.

-Or it could be the...

-Ow!

-..mosquitoes.

Oh, well, least none of us have caught any nasty fevers.

Me and my big mouth.

'Looks like Jamestown is going to need a new sign writer.'

You there, have you made the sign for the fort?

Yes, sir, and I took the liberty of naming it after myself.

You can't do that, what's your name?

-James.

-Probably fine.

'All is not well

'for the settlers of Jamestown.'

'Fever, angry locals and starvation have all taken their toll.'

I don't care about finding gold any more, I just want food.

I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

Poor Dobbin.

Yeah, I saw him this morning.

I think he knew he was going to be eaten.

-Oh, really, what makes you say that?

-He had a long face.

-Mosquito?

-Nm-mm, bad joke.

'Next week, on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation...

'the settlers look to relocate.'

I asked the locals if we could have some of their nice, non-swampy land.

-What did they say?

-I think it was a no.

'And the food situation gets critical.'

What's for supper, darling wife?

-It's poo.

-Come, come, now, I'm sure it's not that bad.

No, no. It's poo. It's a mixture of human and animal excrement.

It's all we had left. Now, do you want something to drink?

I'm guessing no?

The settlers at Jamestown really were so hungry

they turned to eating poo.

Everyone knows you shouldn't eat poo, you should wash in it.

In 1620, it was the turn of the Pilgrim Fathers

to settle in America.

# We're the Pilgrim Fathers You may have heard rather

# A lot 'bout our notion Crossing the ocean

# On the good ship Mayflower Though it's true

# Our journey turned into Quite a commotion

# People report that We sported these hats

# But that's not true I mean, would you?

# Anyway, the main thing to say We began the USA

# Our little band of religion fans From the East Midlands

# We all believed slowly That England was becoming less holy

# So set off for Holland Cos there we had friends

# But in the end Seemed the Netherlands

# Would never be The land we'd planned

# Couldn't stand to remain On that terrain

# So again we re-arranged

# To start a new nation With our congregation

# A new and calmer life

# Took a farmer and a builder and his wife

# And a cleric-ah To find Americah

# Oh, it's a new world

# It wasn't new to the Natives

# Still we thought we'd claim it

# Yeah, it's the New World

# I still remember ninth of November

# The year 1620 And we saw plenty of land

# We thanked God When we found ground at Cape Cod

-# But it didn't go as planned

-Couldn't land on the sand

# A month later, though, we made it

# New Plymouth, man, we claimed it

# The natives said not But ran when we shot

# Moved there, it proved, yeah That life would be tough

# Cos we didn't have enough Of the right stuff

# Did you know? Had no seeds we could grow

# Although William Mullins had stacked

# 126 pairs of shoes in his pack Now, that's whack

# A fishing rod, a plough A pig or a cow

# Would have been a much better idea

# But now there's no food For us to eat

# Does this mean That we'll meet with defeat?

# No fun in the New World

# I'm glad we've arrived here But will we survive here?

# Yeah, in the New World

# People were starving Our numbers halving

# When the winter winds blew Even fewer lived through

# It wasn't pretty in our new city

# But the natives took pity Even though they didn't have to

# A man called Squanto Showed us how to grow maize

# Catch eel for a meal Build shelter in the bays

# Tribe gave us a feast Our starvation ceased

# In 1621, what they had done

# Turned us back from the dead to the living

# And to this day that's why we have Thanksgiving

# In Massachusetts Built a colony, it's true

# They say modern America Was founded by our crew

# It's a new world

# But we can't call it England

# Let's call it New England

# Yeah, it's a new world

# My home was in Plymouth Let's call this New Plymouth

# I got an idea Let's call this New Hampshire

# Way, I'm from Newcastle Can we call it New Newcastle?

# Nah

# It's a new world. #

During World War II, Germany was ruled by Adolf Hitler,

who was so mean even his own guards were afraid of him.

-I have an urgent message for the Fuhrer.

-He is asleep, I'm afraid.

-Well, I think we should wake him up.

-Wake up Adolf Hitler? Are you mad?

-The Fuhrer is to sleep until midday.

-Those are our orders.

-Ja, but this is important.

-Nothing is more important

-than the Fuhrer's orders.

-Well, I think this might be.

HE LAUGHS

Nein, he is to sleep.

Ja, otherwise he gets very grumpy.

-Well, more grumpy than usual.

-Ja.

I don't care how grumpy he gets. He must be woken up!

The invasion has come. There are tanks rolling towards us as we speak.

-Tanks?

-Well then, Rommel can deal with it, it's his job.

-Rommel is here in Berlin. It's his wife's birthday.

-There we are, then!

-If Rommel is here, then it can't be that serious.

-No, dummkopf!

If Rommel is here, it means no-one knew the invasion was coming!

Don't you understand? Unless we act fast we might lose the war!

So let me get this straight. You want me to go in there

and wake up Mr Grumpy Pants...?

"What are you doing? I issued orders to sleep until 12!"

..and tell him that unless he wakes up we are going to lose the war?

Ja! BOTH LAUGH

Listen, don't worry about it. There are tanks down there.

The tanks are not moving, they are waiting for orders!

Then Rommel can give them orders.

We must have orders from the Fuhrer himself!

You still don't get it, do you?

No, it is you who doesn't get it, Mr Man.

If I go in there and wake up the Fuhrer before midday,

-he will... Well, he will...

-Ooh, he'll...

Well, he will get in such a paddy!

Such a paddy he'll get in.

I don't care about the paddy!

If we don't wake him up, we will lose the war!

The Fuhrer is awake, and he has issued his order.

Give that to me! Honestly!

Marmalade on toast und apple strudel. What is this?

It's his breakfast order.

And it must be acted on immediately.

'The German U-boat.

'Sleek, silent, fast, deadly.

'It was the perfectly designed fighting machine.

'Well, I say perfectly designed, it was fitted with a very complicated

'high-pressure toilet system.

'During World War II, one U-boat captain went to the toilet

'and tried to flush it, but pulled the wrong lever.'

Captain, what have you done?

Oh, ja, you may want to leave it a while.

'Rather than flush his sewage out, he'd opened the wrong valve

'and let raw sewage and sea water in.'

Oh, das is not good.

'It seeped into the engine room, mixed with chemical batteries,

'and produced a lethal gas.'

I smell noxious gas.

Yeah, I think that gas is just me.

Oh, no, hold on. No, no, no, that one isn't.

'The sub had no choice but to surface 12 miles off Scotland.

'It was instantly spotted and had to surrender to the British.'

Uh, it's supposed to be a white flag, only...

Well, it's a long story, sorry.

-That's 100%

-accu-rat!

The captain destroyed his own U-boat by using the loo.

Not so much a red alert as a brown alert.

HE LAUGHS

Sorry.

Two types of early man, Homo Sapiens

and Neanderthal, were very different,

especially when it came to hunting.

GRUNTING AND GROANING

Right, good morning. Good morning! Could we settle down, please?

Tell you what, I've had some primitive characters

around this table over the years, but you lot take the flaming biscuit!

Two words for ya. Beard trimmers.

Boardroom presentation is 50% of the battle, and you lot look like

you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

Actually, Sugar, me have. By mega bear.

It's Lord Sugar to you! But thank you, that explains it.

Now, in business you need that killer instinct.

So your task was to go out hunting.

Team Neanderthal, who was your project manager?

-Uh, Grunt was project manager.

-And was he any good?

-What do you think? Hmm. Him dead.

-What a mess, honestly.

Did you Neanderthals even have a hunting strategy?

Nug, tell him your strategy.

Not my strategy, all Neanderthals' strategy.

Oh, yeah, spread the blame, why don't you?

Look, I don't care who came up with the blooming strategy.

-Can you just tell me what it is, please?

-First, we hide.

-Yeah?

-Then we jump out, surprise prey and attack with spear!

Yeah, except Nug make noise. Nug warn mega bear.

No, Ugg make noise.

-No, Nug make noise.

-No, Ugg make noise.

-A-argh!

-Argh!

In short, the Neanderthals were cut to pieces

and the mega bear walked away with a couple of scratches.

Taking on prey head on is clearly a very high-risk strategy.

At least the Homo Sapien team here don't look like they've gone

ten rounds with a mega bear.

What was your hunting strategy?

Run after prey, then throw spear. Kill from distance.

No need get near prey.

-Karen?

-That's right, Lord Sugar. The Homo Sapiens are good runners

and they've developed a throwing javelin,

which means they don't need to get near their prey.

Right, OK. Nick, let's find out how the teams did, then.

Well, Team Neanderthal did manage one kill.

-Shrew. Hee-hee! Shrew!

-Shrew.

Are you taking the mick?

You telling me that three of you went out there, only two of you

came back alive and all you brought back with ya was that shrew?

Yeah, put like that, it's not very good, is it?

No, it's not. How did the Homo Sapiens do?

Well, they killed two wild pigs, three deer

and a sort of badger thing with big teeth.

But no shrew. Shrew!

Just... All right, I've had it up to here with the flaming shrew, right?

Clearly we've got a winner here.

Team Neanderthals, it's not all about brawn,

sometimes it's about your bonce.

And your brains are clearly the size of a pea.

Well, in point of fact, Lord Sugar,

the Neanderthal brain is larger than the Homo Sapien brain.

-You're joking?

-No.

-Well, why don't you use it?

And if you're not careful, your entire race is going to die out.

For that reason, Team Neanderthal...

you're fired!

-What, all of us?

-Yeah.

Why don't you just fire Grunt? Him dead anyway.

-He's still more flaming use to me than youse two are.

-Ugh!

Get out of my sight, go on. Team Homo Sapien,

I've got a treat lined up for you.

Have you ever been behind the wheel of a Formula One racing car?

ALL: Yeah!

-Sorry, what is wheel?

-Never mind. We'll go, yeah?

-Mmm.

-Oh, I'd love to.

-Yeah. Karen, do you drive?

-I do.

-You in?

-I am.

-I'm in, then.

The entire Neanderthal race did end up dying out,

even if you think your PE teacher is living proof that they didn't.

Because of their larger bodies and brains,

Neanderthals had to eat more food than you Homo Sapiens,

but they had inferior hunting techniques.

If food became scarce,

the Homo Sapiens were better adapted to survival.

The rat knows all.

Did you know it was us Victorians who invented ice cream?

But you could sometimes get more than you bargained for.

Oh-ho-ho! Good day!

Ice cream! Ice cream!

Get your lovely ice cream here. Yes, child?

What flavours do you have?

What a fine question.

Well, young lady, we've got cat hair, bed bug and flea, plain dust,

dust with lice, dust with straw, dust surprise,

which is dust with a little bit of cat hair in there too.

Then we've got your cotton fibre, bed bug and cotton fibre,

and flea and cotton fibre ripple. All sorts of stuff

falls into your Victorian ice cream.

I'm not sure which to choose, sir.

Yeah, well, luckily you don't have to. We just mix it all together.

There you go, it's all in there.

Ooh, hey, would you like a couple of flakes with that?

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah, course you would.

Another happy customer. HE CHUCKLES

Ice cream! Ice cream!

Get your lovely ice cream here.

The answer is...

B, wax painted brown, which can't be very good for you.

Yes, the diet of some Victorians could be pretty dangerous.

SHE SOBS

DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.

Don't worry, madam, the professionals are here. Now, where's the dead...?

Found it, it's here. Located the dead body.

Victim shows no visible signs of injury.

-You, what happened here?

-Well, Uncle Albert was just having his tea

-and he dropped down dead, didn't he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Might have been poisoned.

-Poisoned?

-Indeed. Let's take a look.

-Bread shows signs of a white chalky substance.

-That'll be the chalk.

The bakers make the bread look whiter using chalk.

What's this? Oh, it's a toenail!

That'll be the baker's. He kneads the bread with his feet.

That'll explain the cheesy smell.

Still, might not be enough to kill him.

-What was he drinking?

-Well, that coffee.

Now, that to me smells nutty.

Oh, that'll be the acorns.

We can only afford cheap coffee and they tend to put sawdust in it.

And acorns.

-Was he drinking anything else?

-Just sheep brain.

-And arsenic.

-Come again?

Dodgy tradesmen sometimes put sheep brains in the milk.

Look.

-Oh!

-And to save money, they pad out the sugar with arsenic.

That's poisonous!

Oh, I wouldn't worry. I've been eating the sugar for years.

She's been poisoned! Go and fetch some water, man! Quickly!

Just water! Nothing added!

-Here you go! Here's your water!

-Sure nothing's been added to that?

-Absolutely, I got it straight from the pump.

-Smells funny.

Ah, yeah, that'll probably be the cholera.

Note to self. Get a desk job.

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

Go to the CBBC website,

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...

CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #