Episode 4 Horrible Histories


Episode 4

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crime Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #

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I'm from the Greek city state of Sparta,

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famous for its flower-growers and painters.

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Ha-ha! I'm doing a joke!

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It was famous for its warriors

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and our ground-breaking fighting formations.

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Go, Sparta!

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Men of Sparta, you are the finest fighters in the known world.

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Soon the battlefield will run red with the enemy's blood.

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ALL: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

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Form the phalanx.

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Your hoplite shield is a symbol of our warrior bond,

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for not only does it protect you, it protects the man beside you.

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Spartans, are you ready for war?

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ALL: Hoorah!

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Uh...General?

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What is it?

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Well, um, my shield's protecting him, but I'm at the left end

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of the phalanx and there's no shield protecting me.

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I feel a bit exposed.

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Haven't got time for this,

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-we're late for battle as it is.

-Well, I was thinking,

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maybe if I just went to the other end of the line,

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-I'd be better covered.

-All right, then, go on, then.

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-Nice one!

-Now, is everybody happy?

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Yes, go on, then.

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If you must.

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Yeah, all right.

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Can of worms, this, isn't it?

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HE LAUGHS

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The Spartan warriors were, of course, famously brave,

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but it's true that the man on the end was less protected,

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and because of this,

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phalanx formations used to drift to the right when they charged

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as everyone tried to get behind their neighbour's shield.

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And here's the story of a famous Spartan general.

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CRASHING

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'The movie event the world has been waiting for since 470 BC.

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'The epic tale of Spartan General Pausanius.

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'A story of honour.'

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General Pausanius, a message from the elders.

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You are to return to Sparta at once.

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You are accused of dishonourably siding with the enemy.

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How dare they accuse me of siding with the Persians?

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Just for that, I'm going to side with the Persians.

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'Oh, no, it's not a story of honour.'

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Take this to King Xerxes.

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It is of vital importance

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and must only be opened by the Persian king himself.

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Yes, sir, I will guard it with my life.

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'Pausanius, a story of loyalty.'

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Thinking about it, none of the messengers

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Pausanius sends to King Xerxes ever seems to come back.

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Hm. Might just have a quick peek at what this letter says.

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'Hold on, you shouldn't be reading that.'

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"Let's join forces against Sparta. Can I marry your daughter?"

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Hang on! "Once you have read this letter, kill the messenger."

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Right, that's it, I'm going to show this to the Spartan elders.

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Honestly, you think you know someone!

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'So it's not a story of loyalty, then.'

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The Spartans are coming for me.

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I know, I'll hide in the Temple of Athena.

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It is holy ground, they can't touch me there.

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'Pausanius, a story of cunning.'

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I'm in the temple, can't touch me.

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No, but we can brick up the entrances with you inside.

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Men, seal the doors, let him starve to death.

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Got to be honest, didn't think of that.

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'Pausanius, a story of...bricklaying, apparently.

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'A movie event not to be missed,

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'unless, of course, you're like totally bricked inside a temple.'

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Rub in, why don't you? Rub it in.

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'Rated C for Confusing.'

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Hello and welcome to the News At When. When? The Middle Ages.

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It's 1064 and the Norman Conquest is well under way.

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No, that can't be right, the Norman Conquest was 1066.

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Oh, there were lots of other Norman Conquests.

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They conquered Southern Italy, they conquered Cyprus,

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they conquered parts of Greece and they conquered the Holy Land.

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That's what you call a game of conkers!

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Mike Peabody is with them as they try to conquer Sicily. Mike.

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Thanks, Sam. I'm here at the siege of Palermo in Sicily,

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where the Norman Army look set to take the city.

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I'm hoping to get a word with their commander,

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Sir Robert Guiscard, and ask him what makes the Normans

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the most fearsome fighters in all of medieval Christendom.

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Sir Robert, how's it going?

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We have taken the high ground.

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It's the perfect position from where to attack the city,

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but there are problems.

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And what are they?

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Ah, ooh, ooh! The whole place is crawling with spiders. Ooh, ooh!

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Sir Robert, perhaps you should save the victory dance

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until after you've actually won the battle.

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Oh, no, no, this is for the bite. Yes, it can be fatal.

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The locals believe the only way to cure it is by dancing.

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-Does that work?

-There's no harm in trying.

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Ow! Ow! I see what you mean.

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-Yes, you might want to...er...

-Oh. Oh, OK.

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This looks like a disaster, Sir Robert.

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Most of your soldiers have been bitten by spiders.

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No, no, I haven't, I just like dancing.

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Right. And what's the second problem?

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Cacti. The whole place is covered in cacti. Argh! Ooh! Ooh! Aah!

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-Would you mind terribly?

-Not at all.

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-Ah, ah, ooh.

-Well, at least it can't get any worse.

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Not only does the bite have a good chance of killing you,

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-it also has another effect.

-What's that?

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BREAKS WIND Oh! Oh!

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I'm so sorry. The bites also cause severe attacks of wind.

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Those are the only attacks that will happen today!

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I'm calling the battle off!

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SIR ROBERT BREAKS WIND Oh. Well, there we have it.

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The greatest soldiers in the Middle Ages

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defeated by cacti and a load of spiders, and of course some...

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SOLDIERS BREAK WIND Oh, dear.

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So this is Mike Peabody, at the siege of Palermo,

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really wishing he was somewhere else, somewhere a lot less windy.

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HE LAUGHS

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They should make a show out of that, Strictly Come Dancing And Farting!

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If you listen carefully, that's what some of the celebs do anyway. Hmm.

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Now, as we all know, the Normans went on to invade England in 1066.

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But did you know what actually won them the Battle of Hastings?

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths They're funny cos they're true

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# Woo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you Ha-hee! #

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Next!

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Ooh, goody! Two for the price of one. Ooh, 1066!

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MIMICS BUZZER Battle of Hastings.

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Shouldn't one of you have an arrow through his eye?

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Oh, right, cos...yeah...!

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Neither of us are King Harold, actually.

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No, we're King Harold's brothers. I'm Gyrth.

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-And I'm Leofwine.

-Oh, King Harold's brothers.

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If your deaths are half as stupid as your names,

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we're in for a real cracker! HE LAUGHS

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-Proceed.

-So, basically, it was the day of the battle

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and us Saxons had taken the high ground

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and were looking down on the invading army.

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Our brother, King Harold, had lined up with his housecarls,

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which are the elite Saxon warriors. We were in charge of the fyrdmen.

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So Leofwind and Gwurthrun are in charge of the freurdmen?

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The fyrdmen. It's soldiers who haven't got that much armour,

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but make up for it with their enthusiasm.

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-Oh, they have got so much enthusiasm.

-Yeah.

-It's epic!

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Anyway, the Norman cavalry attacked our Saxon shield wall.

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-Three, two, one!

-BOTH: Shield wall! Yeah.

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And faced with a wall of spears and swords and axes

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-and spears and stuff, they had no choice but to just flee.

-Yeah.

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Saxons - one, Normans - nil.

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And then we charged down the hill with our fyrdmen

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-to finish off the Normans.

-BOTH: Yeah!

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Well, it turns out their fleeing was just a trick

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and they turned round and their cavalry attacked us.

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So now you no longer have the upper ground?

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We didn't have the shield wall either, cos we'd broken rank.

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Yeah. They ripped us to pieces, actually.

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-But fair play to them.

-No, seriously fair play.

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-They really gave it a good battle.

-I'd say, in a sort of battle report,

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-I'd probably give them nine.

-Yeah.

-And then I'd give us probably six.

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So let me get this straight,

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the Normans were losing until you two ran down the hill,

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causing the end of your brother, King Harold,

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the end of Saxon rule in England,

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and, in fact, the end of the Saxon era altogether?

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-Yeah, in a nutshell, yeah.

-HE LAUGHS

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-Ooh, hey! You caused this. The end of an

-ear-a!

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HE LAUGHS BOTH: What?

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I'm wasted on these idiots. You're through to the afterlife.

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-Cheers, mate.

-Yeah.

-He's a good bloke.

-And hurry up about it.

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Noose Women's about to start. Did you hear what I said then?

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I said Noose Women instead of Loose Women. Oh, you heard?

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Well, laughing wouldn't kill you. Not now, anyway!

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Next!

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# Hope next time it's not you Hoo-hoo! #

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Yes, after our victory at the Battle of Hastings,

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we Normans changed England for ever.

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We even changed the way people spoke.

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Bam ba-bam!

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HE GASPS

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In 1607, settlers sailed across the Atlantic

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and set up the first English colony in North America.

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'Previously on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation.

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'After a voyage lasting almost five months,

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'104 English adventurers finally arrive in America.'

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Huh! Wet stockings, I hate that.

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'They're here to find gold. They're to make history.

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'They're here to settle in America.'

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Well, this is our first night on American soil

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-and we've discovered a river.

-BUZZING

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And mosquitoes. Plenty of mosquitoes.

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We'll need to find a name for the river, though,

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something that the King of England, King James, will approve of.

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Um...

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Ah, good name, the King'll like it. We shall build our town here.

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-Splendid.

-BUZZING

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-Oi!

-Mosquito.

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Oh. Oh, thanks, I think.

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So what are we going to call our town, then?

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We should give it a name that King James would approve of.

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BOTH: Hmm...

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'The settlers have all built their homes in Jamestown,

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'but was it such a good choice of location?'

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This is such a lovely spot,

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I wonder why the native Indians don't live here.

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-It could be something to do with the swamp.

-Yes, could be the swamp.

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Could be the lack of drinkable water.

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Yes, could be the lack of drinkable water.

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-Or it could be the...

-Ow!

-..mosquitoes.

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Oh, well, least none of us have caught any nasty fevers.

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Me and my big mouth.

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'Looks like Jamestown is going to need a new sign writer.'

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You there, have you made the sign for the fort?

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Yes, sir, and I took the liberty of naming it after myself.

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You can't do that, what's your name?

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-James.

-Probably fine.

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'All is not well

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'for the settlers of Jamestown.'

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'Fever, angry locals and starvation have all taken their toll.'

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I don't care about finding gold any more, I just want food.

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I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.

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Poor Dobbin.

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Yeah, I saw him this morning.

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I think he knew he was going to be eaten.

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-Oh, really, what makes you say that?

-He had a long face.

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-Mosquito?

-Nm-mm, bad joke.

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'Next week, on Colonisation, Colonisation, Colonisation...

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'the settlers look to relocate.'

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I asked the locals if we could have some of their nice, non-swampy land.

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-What did they say?

-I think it was a no.

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'And the food situation gets critical.'

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What's for supper, darling wife?

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-It's poo.

-Come, come, now, I'm sure it's not that bad.

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No, no. It's poo. It's a mixture of human and animal excrement.

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It's all we had left. Now, do you want something to drink?

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I'm guessing no?

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The settlers at Jamestown really were so hungry

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they turned to eating poo.

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Everyone knows you shouldn't eat poo, you should wash in it.

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In 1620, it was the turn of the Pilgrim Fathers

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to settle in America.

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# We're the Pilgrim Fathers You may have heard rather

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# A lot 'bout our notion Crossing the ocean

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# On the good ship Mayflower Though it's true

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# Our journey turned into Quite a commotion

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# People report that We sported these hats

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# But that's not true I mean, would you?

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# Anyway, the main thing to say We began the USA

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# Our little band of religion fans From the East Midlands

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# We all believed slowly That England was becoming less holy

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# So set off for Holland Cos there we had friends

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# But in the end Seemed the Netherlands

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# Would never be The land we'd planned

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# Couldn't stand to remain On that terrain

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# So again we re-arranged

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# To start a new nation With our congregation

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# A new and calmer life

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# Took a farmer and a builder and his wife

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# And a cleric-ah To find Americah

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# Oh, it's a new world

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# It wasn't new to the Natives

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# Still we thought we'd claim it

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# Yeah, it's the New World

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# I still remember ninth of November

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# The year 1620 And we saw plenty of land

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# We thanked God When we found ground at Cape Cod

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-# But it didn't go as planned

-Couldn't land on the sand

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# A month later, though, we made it

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# New Plymouth, man, we claimed it

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# The natives said not But ran when we shot

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# Moved there, it proved, yeah That life would be tough

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# Cos we didn't have enough Of the right stuff

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# Did you know? Had no seeds we could grow

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# Although William Mullins had stacked

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# 126 pairs of shoes in his pack Now, that's whack

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# A fishing rod, a plough A pig or a cow

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# Would have been a much better idea

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# But now there's no food For us to eat

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# Does this mean That we'll meet with defeat?

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# No fun in the New World

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# I'm glad we've arrived here But will we survive here?

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# Yeah, in the New World

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# People were starving Our numbers halving

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# When the winter winds blew Even fewer lived through

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# It wasn't pretty in our new city

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# But the natives took pity Even though they didn't have to

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# A man called Squanto Showed us how to grow maize

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# Catch eel for a meal Build shelter in the bays

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# Tribe gave us a feast Our starvation ceased

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# In 1621, what they had done

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# Turned us back from the dead to the living

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# And to this day that's why we have Thanksgiving

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# In Massachusetts Built a colony, it's true

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# They say modern America Was founded by our crew

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# It's a new world

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# But we can't call it England

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# Let's call it New England

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# Yeah, it's a new world

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# My home was in Plymouth Let's call this New Plymouth

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# I got an idea Let's call this New Hampshire

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# Way, I'm from Newcastle Can we call it New Newcastle?

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# Nah

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# It's a new world. #

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During World War II, Germany was ruled by Adolf Hitler,

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who was so mean even his own guards were afraid of him.

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-I have an urgent message for the Fuhrer.

-He is asleep, I'm afraid.

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-Well, I think we should wake him up.

-Wake up Adolf Hitler? Are you mad?

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-The Fuhrer is to sleep until midday.

-Those are our orders.

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-Ja, but this is important.

-Nothing is more important

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-than the Fuhrer's orders.

-Well, I think this might be.

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HE LAUGHS

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Nein, he is to sleep.

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Ja, otherwise he gets very grumpy.

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-Well, more grumpy than usual.

-Ja.

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I don't care how grumpy he gets. He must be woken up!

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The invasion has come. There are tanks rolling towards us as we speak.

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-Tanks?

-Well then, Rommel can deal with it, it's his job.

0:17:230:17:26

-Rommel is here in Berlin. It's his wife's birthday.

-There we are, then!

0:17:260:17:29

-If Rommel is here, then it can't be that serious.

-No, dummkopf!

0:17:290:17:33

If Rommel is here, it means no-one knew the invasion was coming!

0:17:330:17:36

Don't you understand? Unless we act fast we might lose the war!

0:17:360:17:40

So let me get this straight. You want me to go in there

0:17:400:17:43

and wake up Mr Grumpy Pants...?

0:17:430:17:46

"What are you doing? I issued orders to sleep until 12!"

0:17:460:17:48

..and tell him that unless he wakes up we are going to lose the war?

0:17:480:17:52

Ja! BOTH LAUGH

0:17:520:17:56

Listen, don't worry about it. There are tanks down there.

0:17:560:17:59

The tanks are not moving, they are waiting for orders!

0:17:590:18:02

Then Rommel can give them orders.

0:18:020:18:03

We must have orders from the Fuhrer himself!

0:18:030:18:06

You still don't get it, do you?

0:18:060:18:09

No, it is you who doesn't get it, Mr Man.

0:18:090:18:12

If I go in there and wake up the Fuhrer before midday,

0:18:120:18:15

-he will... Well, he will...

-Ooh, he'll...

0:18:150:18:18

Well, he will get in such a paddy!

0:18:180:18:23

Such a paddy he'll get in.

0:18:230:18:25

I don't care about the paddy!

0:18:250:18:26

If we don't wake him up, we will lose the war!

0:18:260:18:29

The Fuhrer is awake, and he has issued his order.

0:18:320:18:35

Give that to me! Honestly!

0:18:350:18:38

Marmalade on toast und apple strudel. What is this?

0:18:380:18:43

It's his breakfast order.

0:18:430:18:44

And it must be acted on immediately.

0:18:440:18:46

'The German U-boat.

0:18:520:18:53

'Sleek, silent, fast, deadly.

0:18:530:18:56

'It was the perfectly designed fighting machine.

0:18:560:18:59

'Well, I say perfectly designed, it was fitted with a very complicated

0:18:590:19:03

'high-pressure toilet system.

0:19:030:19:05

'During World War II, one U-boat captain went to the toilet

0:19:050:19:09

'and tried to flush it, but pulled the wrong lever.'

0:19:090:19:12

Captain, what have you done?

0:19:120:19:15

Oh, ja, you may want to leave it a while.

0:19:150:19:18

'Rather than flush his sewage out, he'd opened the wrong valve

0:19:180:19:22

'and let raw sewage and sea water in.'

0:19:220:19:25

Oh, das is not good.

0:19:250:19:26

'It seeped into the engine room, mixed with chemical batteries,

0:19:260:19:30

'and produced a lethal gas.'

0:19:300:19:32

I smell noxious gas.

0:19:320:19:34

Yeah, I think that gas is just me.

0:19:340:19:37

Oh, no, hold on. No, no, no, that one isn't.

0:19:370:19:39

'The sub had no choice but to surface 12 miles off Scotland.

0:19:390:19:43

'It was instantly spotted and had to surrender to the British.'

0:19:430:19:48

Uh, it's supposed to be a white flag, only...

0:19:480:19:51

Well, it's a long story, sorry.

0:19:510:19:53

-That's 100%

-accu-rat!

0:19:540:19:57

The captain destroyed his own U-boat by using the loo.

0:19:570:20:01

Not so much a red alert as a brown alert.

0:20:010:20:04

HE LAUGHS

0:20:040:20:05

Sorry.

0:20:050:20:07

Two types of early man, Homo Sapiens

0:20:120:20:15

and Neanderthal, were very different,

0:20:150:20:18

especially when it came to hunting.

0:20:180:20:21

GRUNTING AND GROANING

0:20:230:20:26

Right, good morning. Good morning! Could we settle down, please?

0:20:260:20:31

Tell you what, I've had some primitive characters

0:20:310:20:34

around this table over the years, but you lot take the flaming biscuit!

0:20:340:20:39

Two words for ya. Beard trimmers.

0:20:390:20:42

Boardroom presentation is 50% of the battle, and you lot look like

0:20:420:20:45

you've been dragged through a hedge backwards.

0:20:450:20:48

Actually, Sugar, me have. By mega bear.

0:20:480:20:51

It's Lord Sugar to you! But thank you, that explains it.

0:20:510:20:55

Now, in business you need that killer instinct.

0:20:550:20:57

So your task was to go out hunting.

0:20:570:21:00

Team Neanderthal, who was your project manager?

0:21:000:21:03

-Uh, Grunt was project manager.

-And was he any good?

0:21:030:21:07

-What do you think? Hmm. Him dead.

-What a mess, honestly.

0:21:070:21:11

Did you Neanderthals even have a hunting strategy?

0:21:110:21:14

Nug, tell him your strategy.

0:21:140:21:16

Not my strategy, all Neanderthals' strategy.

0:21:160:21:20

Oh, yeah, spread the blame, why don't you?

0:21:200:21:23

Look, I don't care who came up with the blooming strategy.

0:21:230:21:26

-Can you just tell me what it is, please?

-First, we hide.

0:21:260:21:29

-Yeah?

-Then we jump out, surprise prey and attack with spear!

0:21:290:21:33

Yeah, except Nug make noise. Nug warn mega bear.

0:21:330:21:37

No, Ugg make noise.

0:21:370:21:39

-No, Nug make noise.

-No, Ugg make noise.

-A-argh!

-Argh!

0:21:390:21:41

In short, the Neanderthals were cut to pieces

0:21:410:21:44

and the mega bear walked away with a couple of scratches.

0:21:440:21:47

Taking on prey head on is clearly a very high-risk strategy.

0:21:470:21:51

At least the Homo Sapien team here don't look like they've gone

0:21:510:21:55

ten rounds with a mega bear.

0:21:550:21:57

What was your hunting strategy?

0:21:570:21:59

Run after prey, then throw spear. Kill from distance.

0:21:590:22:04

No need get near prey.

0:22:040:22:05

-Karen?

-That's right, Lord Sugar. The Homo Sapiens are good runners

0:22:050:22:09

and they've developed a throwing javelin,

0:22:090:22:11

which means they don't need to get near their prey.

0:22:110:22:13

Right, OK. Nick, let's find out how the teams did, then.

0:22:130:22:16

Well, Team Neanderthal did manage one kill.

0:22:160:22:19

-Shrew. Hee-hee! Shrew!

-Shrew.

0:22:190:22:22

Are you taking the mick?

0:22:220:22:24

You telling me that three of you went out there, only two of you

0:22:240:22:27

came back alive and all you brought back with ya was that shrew?

0:22:270:22:30

Yeah, put like that, it's not very good, is it?

0:22:300:22:33

No, it's not. How did the Homo Sapiens do?

0:22:330:22:36

Well, they killed two wild pigs, three deer

0:22:360:22:40

and a sort of badger thing with big teeth.

0:22:400:22:42

But no shrew. Shrew!

0:22:420:22:44

Just... All right, I've had it up to here with the flaming shrew, right?

0:22:440:22:48

Clearly we've got a winner here.

0:22:480:22:51

Team Neanderthals, it's not all about brawn,

0:22:510:22:54

sometimes it's about your bonce.

0:22:540:22:56

And your brains are clearly the size of a pea.

0:22:560:22:58

Well, in point of fact, Lord Sugar,

0:22:580:23:00

the Neanderthal brain is larger than the Homo Sapien brain.

0:23:000:23:03

-You're joking?

-No.

-Well, why don't you use it?

0:23:030:23:06

And if you're not careful, your entire race is going to die out.

0:23:060:23:10

For that reason, Team Neanderthal...

0:23:100:23:13

you're fired!

0:23:130:23:14

-What, all of us?

-Yeah.

0:23:140:23:16

Why don't you just fire Grunt? Him dead anyway.

0:23:160:23:19

-He's still more flaming use to me than youse two are.

-Ugh!

0:23:190:23:22

Get out of my sight, go on. Team Homo Sapien,

0:23:220:23:25

I've got a treat lined up for you.

0:23:250:23:27

Have you ever been behind the wheel of a Formula One racing car?

0:23:270:23:30

ALL: Yeah!

0:23:300:23:31

-Sorry, what is wheel?

-Never mind. We'll go, yeah?

0:23:310:23:35

-Mmm.

-Oh, I'd love to.

-Yeah. Karen, do you drive?

0:23:350:23:37

-I do.

-You in?

-I am.

-I'm in, then.

0:23:370:23:40

The entire Neanderthal race did end up dying out,

0:23:400:23:44

even if you think your PE teacher is living proof that they didn't.

0:23:440:23:48

Because of their larger bodies and brains,

0:23:480:23:51

Neanderthals had to eat more food than you Homo Sapiens,

0:23:510:23:54

but they had inferior hunting techniques.

0:23:540:23:56

If food became scarce,

0:23:560:23:58

the Homo Sapiens were better adapted to survival.

0:23:580:24:01

The rat knows all.

0:24:010:24:04

Did you know it was us Victorians who invented ice cream?

0:24:080:24:12

But you could sometimes get more than you bargained for.

0:24:120:24:16

Oh-ho-ho! Good day!

0:24:160:24:18

Ice cream! Ice cream!

0:24:180:24:20

Get your lovely ice cream here. Yes, child?

0:24:200:24:24

What flavours do you have?

0:24:240:24:26

What a fine question.

0:24:260:24:28

Well, young lady, we've got cat hair, bed bug and flea, plain dust,

0:24:280:24:33

dust with lice, dust with straw, dust surprise,

0:24:330:24:36

which is dust with a little bit of cat hair in there too.

0:24:360:24:39

Then we've got your cotton fibre, bed bug and cotton fibre,

0:24:390:24:42

and flea and cotton fibre ripple. All sorts of stuff

0:24:420:24:46

falls into your Victorian ice cream.

0:24:460:24:49

I'm not sure which to choose, sir.

0:24:490:24:51

Yeah, well, luckily you don't have to. We just mix it all together.

0:24:510:24:54

There you go, it's all in there.

0:24:540:24:56

Ooh, hey, would you like a couple of flakes with that?

0:24:560:24:59

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah, course you would.

0:24:590:25:01

Another happy customer. HE CHUCKLES

0:25:040:25:07

Ice cream! Ice cream!

0:25:070:25:10

Get your lovely ice cream here.

0:25:100:25:13

The answer is...

0:25:290:25:30

B, wax painted brown, which can't be very good for you.

0:25:300:25:34

Yes, the diet of some Victorians could be pretty dangerous.

0:25:340:25:38

SHE SOBS

0:25:460:25:49

DI Bones, Historical Crime Squad.

0:25:490:25:51

Don't worry, madam, the professionals are here. Now, where's the dead...?

0:25:510:25:55

Found it, it's here. Located the dead body.

0:25:550:25:59

Victim shows no visible signs of injury.

0:26:010:26:05

-You, what happened here?

-Well, Uncle Albert was just having his tea

0:26:050:26:09

-and he dropped down dead, didn't he?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:26:090:26:11

-Might have been poisoned.

-Poisoned?

-Indeed. Let's take a look.

0:26:110:26:14

-Bread shows signs of a white chalky substance.

-That'll be the chalk.

0:26:170:26:21

The bakers make the bread look whiter using chalk.

0:26:210:26:24

What's this? Oh, it's a toenail!

0:26:240:26:26

That'll be the baker's. He kneads the bread with his feet.

0:26:260:26:29

That'll explain the cheesy smell.

0:26:290:26:31

Still, might not be enough to kill him.

0:26:310:26:33

-What was he drinking?

-Well, that coffee.

0:26:330:26:36

Now, that to me smells nutty.

0:26:380:26:40

Oh, that'll be the acorns.

0:26:400:26:42

We can only afford cheap coffee and they tend to put sawdust in it.

0:26:420:26:44

And acorns.

0:26:440:26:46

-Was he drinking anything else?

-Just sheep brain.

0:26:460:26:48

-And arsenic.

-Come again?

0:26:480:26:50

Dodgy tradesmen sometimes put sheep brains in the milk.

0:26:500:26:54

Look.

0:26:540:26:55

-Oh!

-And to save money, they pad out the sugar with arsenic.

0:26:550:26:59

That's poisonous!

0:26:590:27:01

Oh, I wouldn't worry. I've been eating the sugar for years.

0:27:010:27:04

She's been poisoned! Go and fetch some water, man! Quickly!

0:27:060:27:09

Just water! Nothing added!

0:27:090:27:10

-Here you go! Here's your water!

-Sure nothing's been added to that?

0:27:100:27:14

-Absolutely, I got it straight from the pump.

-Smells funny.

0:27:140:27:18

Ah, yeah, that'll probably be the cholera.

0:27:180:27:20

Note to self. Get a desk job.

0:27:220:27:26

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you all the facts... #

0:27:300:27:33

If you enjoyed that, why not come and play?

0:27:330:27:35

Go to the CBBC website,

0:27:350:27:37

and click on Horrible Histories. See you there!

0:27:370:27:41

# The past is no longer a mystery Hope you enjoyed...

0:27:410:27:44

CHANTING: # Horrible Histories. #

0:27:440:27:47

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