Episode 5 Horrible Histories


Episode 5

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# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

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# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars Ferocious fights

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# Dingy castles Daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

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# Cavemen - Savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that

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# And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Five eager chefs, five historical eras but just one prize.

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Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

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People make food and we eat the food!

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That is the format as I understand it.

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Stone-age chef Nug, is a farmer from Skara Brae -

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a Neolithic community from the Scottish Orkney Isles.

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But will stone-age cooking rock our judges?

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I'll handle this.

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Ug, Nug, Nug,

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ugga, Nug, Nug, ug?

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Is he all right?

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It's all right, I was just speaking Stone Age.

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That's actually quite offensive.

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Neolithic man was almost as evolved as you are now

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so our language is quite sophisticated.

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Right, sorry. I wasn't, you know.

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I... Lots of my friends are cavemen.

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Nug is pulling out all the stops to wow the judges.

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So what are you going to cook for us today then, Nug?

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Don't tell me, mammoth with mammoth served with mammoth and mammoth,

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wrapped in mammoth and with a side order of mammoth?!

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Ha-ha!

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Just try to ignore him, Nug. I do.

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-Well, I thought we'd kick off with a seafood starter, limpets.

-Mm.

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Mmm, those are beautiful, mate, lovely and fresh!

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We keep 'em in rock pool tanks.

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Not for me, I'm allergic. I swell up.

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You sure you haven't eaten some already?

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Ha-ha! Good one, mate. Hm.

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Nug's preparing his main course

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and the judges are in for another surprise.

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It's sheep and deer meat with a berry jus,

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all washed down with some cow's milk.

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Let's have a start.

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Yeah?

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Mmm, that is succulent, perfectly cooked, it's sublime!

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Look, John, he's made a dessert. Stone-age chocolate cake.

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Oh!

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No, no, that's fuel for cooking.

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It's dried cow dung.

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GREGG SPITS IT OUT

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Why, why?!

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Get me some soap! I need some soap!

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Nug, we were expecting a primitive meal

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but you really have surprised us with some very advanced cooking,

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isn't that right, Gregg?

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Whatever! This soap's not working, John.

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You're through to the next round, congratulations!

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Sorry, I get quite emotional!

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That's OK, mate. It's all right.

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You're just a modern man.

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NUG SOBS

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It's true, the people who lived at Skara Brae in Orkney

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5,000 years ago

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had a really varied diet

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and had limpet tanks to keep their seafood fresh.

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Rotten seafood can easily make you sick.

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Which is good news

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because one of my favourite dishes is rotten seafood sick. Ha-ha!

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And about 7,000 years ago,

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some stone-age town dwellers created the first stone-age city.

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-I don't know...

-This is all off topic.

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Let's call this meeting of the town planning committee to order.

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The first item on the agenda

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is my proposal to turn our stone-age town into a city.

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Question, Mr Chairman. What's a city?

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-This is a city.

-Looks a lot like our town.

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It is our town.

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It's just bigger and we've put gaps between the houses - streets.

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What's wrong with what we do now?

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Building the houses joined together and walking over roofs?

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Not saying anything's wrong

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but you can't drive donkeys and carts across the roofs

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whereas you can along the streets.

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Come on, we don't need these fancy-pants straits.

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-Streets.

-Streets.

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This isn't another of your plans to be made boss of everyone, is it?

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-Oh, here we go!

-Yeah!

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No, no, no!

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-Sounds familiar.

-Can we just draw a line under this?

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Whose is this massive house?

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-I bet you it's his!

-No, no, no!

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It's not my house and it's not even a house.

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We thought it'd be nice to have buildings

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that aren't just places to live.

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-Why?

-They'd be places to meet,

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places to worship, places to make things.

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They can make stuff at home!

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-And you are a great carpenter.

-Thanks.

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Wouldn't it be nice if you could concentrate on that

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in a special building for it with other carpenters?

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Imagine how many carts you'd make!

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If I spend all my day making carts what am I going to eat?

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While you're making the carts, people who are good at growing,

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grow things,

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then you swap your carts for their food...

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What if you're good at everything?

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I don't think you don't need to worry about that, Craig.

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We call it trade.

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Sounds a bit complicated.

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Maybe you're right, maybe we need someone in charge.

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I knew this was going to happen!

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No, no, no!

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I didn't say me, not necessarily me!

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All right, I'll be in charge.

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-Maybe it's better if it is me.

-Hm.

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And I'll give myself a simple title, like King and I'll live here.

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-You said that wasn't a house.

-It's not, it's a palace.

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I don't see why I can't be king?

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Well, I've already hired these two heavily-armed bodyguards.

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Right.

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Do you think they'll be needing carts?

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-Now you're getting it!

-OK.

-Take a leaf out of this guy's book.

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You may have heard of Hannibal.

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He was one of Rome's greatest enemies

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but he didn't just fight us Romans, oh, no!

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From the great naval power of Carthage

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came a maverick Carthaginian commander

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who liked to fight dirty.

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The name's Hannibal and don't you Carthaginian forget it, y'all!

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In the war with Greece, he'd stop at nothing to get what he wanted.

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Let them have it!

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Heads up, lads, looks like Hannibal is catapulting something at us.

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Quite hard to make out what it is?

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It could be arrows.

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No, it's not arrows. Looks like bits of rope!

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-THEY SCREAM

-Aah! Snakes!

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Hiss!

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Bet they weren't expecting that!

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Don't worry, lads. I know my snakes and I'm sure those aren't venomous.

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Oh! My mistake...they are venomous.

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The deadliest of enemies use the deadliest of tactics.

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THEY SCREAM

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Get this Carthaginian snake off my bottom!

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When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!

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Let them eat snake!

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I'm still a Carthaginian maverick, y'all!

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In the war with Rome,

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he would do what never had been done before.

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I'm going to take elephants over the mountains

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and crush the Romans on the plain.

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I mean literally crush them.

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When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!

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Those Carthaginian horses certainly look big.

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I don't think those are horses.

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-They're elephants! Elephants!

-THEY YELL

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Man, they weren't expecting that!

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Ooh!

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Hello and welcome to The News At When.

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When? The 1300s, when over in Italy,

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the discovery of ancient writings and art

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led to a cultural rebirth or renaissance

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that's become known somewhat unimaginably, as the Renaissance.

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Here with more details on this retro revolution is Bob Hale

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with the Renaissance report.

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Bob.

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Thank you, Sam!

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Well, the year is 1300 and something or other,

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that there is Italy, and here in cities like Venice and Florence,

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something exciting is happening.

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Actually, something dull is happening

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but there's something exciting - bear with me.

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The dull thing is they've done away with the feudal system -

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an emperor at the top, uneducated peasants at the bottom -

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and opted instead for a republic

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where everything's run by boring middle management.

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Told you it was dull.

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To become a boring middle-management type

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you need a decent education,

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something your average Italian hasn't had for centuries.

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To find it, they have to go old-school.

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To an old school in fact,

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the great libraries of the Islamic world,

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which contain classical writings from ancient Rome and Greece.

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So these Italian boffins rediscover loads of ancient knowledge,

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classical learning enjoys something of a rebirth

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or Renaissance as the French like to call it and that's the end of that.

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But not for long!

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Soon Italian sculptors start turning to the past for inspiration too,

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basing their statues on ones from ancient Rome and Greece

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and Renaissance art is born.

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Yes, thanks to such big name chisel chippers as Michelangelo, Donatello

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and Da Vinci,

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the style of the past is brought back at last.

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Oh, I'm a poet and I don't know it,

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except I do know it and I did that on purpose

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as a clever link into this next bit about poetry.

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Well done, Bobsy.

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The Renaissance isn't just about copying stuff.

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That's not a Renaissance, that's cheating as examiners will tell you.

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It's being inspired by the past but adding a modern twist,

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which is where the poets come in.

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The likes of Dante, Petrarch and Boccaccio

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inspired by ancient writing,

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find a new style of rhyme that more suits their time

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and become the first poets of the Renaissance.

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Before long, the painters are also relishing this Renaissance spirit.

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Giotto brightens up the art world by brightening up the art world.

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Yes, he adds windows to his paintings,

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introducing light and space to art for the very first time.

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Then Alberti hits upon the concept of perspective,

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a system of judging when something is very, very far away

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and when something is very, very close, whoa!

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SIGNAL BEEPS

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Sorry about that, I forgot that was there, where were we?

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Ah yes, Renaissance artists!

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Titian, Raphael, Botticelli all making their mark on the art world

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as they discover shadow and lifelike accuracy.

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And they don't stop there.

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Having developed a taste for new concepts and fresh thinking,

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Renaissance man becomes what we now call a Renaissance man.

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Someone who's brilliant at everything, just like Bobsy.

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So sculptor Michelangelo puts down his chisel,

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picks up a paintbrush

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and turns the Sistine Chapel ceiling into a work of art.

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As for Leonardo Da Vinci, well, there's nothing he CAN'T do.

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He's a sculptor, painter, scientist, inventor, engineer,

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geologist, botanist, musician and all round smarty-pants.

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Though he didn't win silver

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at the 1981 Three Counties Domino Championships so,

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I think I'm still a little bit better.

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He does however, come up with designs for...

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the calculator, solar power, military tanks and helicopters

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though obviously not helicopters but with... What?

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Oh, apparently he did come up with helicopters.

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I knew that one would come back to bite me one day!

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And talking of things coming back to bite you,

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remember the republic?

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Well, with the emperors gone,

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Italians now get to vote for their leaders,

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and no sooner is there voting than there is vote rigging,

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meaning corrupt families like the Borgias and the Medicis

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can bribe, buy and muscle their way into power.

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An absolute disaster, right?

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Wrong!

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These corrupt families just love showing off,

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so what do they spend all their money on?

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New works of art!

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The rulers of Italy are now personally funding the Renaissance

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and it goes from strength to strength.

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The threat of foreign invasion only helps to fuel the march of progress,

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as Da Vinci, Alberti and Michelangelo

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start designing clever new forts to defend Italy from invaders.

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Now the Renaissance is harder to contain

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than the waist on my trousers on pizza night.

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This new way of thinking starts spreading right around the world!

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Copernicus and Galileo revolutionise astronomy.

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Erasmus and Descartes become the great new thinkers of a new age,

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and silly superstitions are replaced by fantastic facts

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thanks to the invents of what we now call science,

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as men like Bacon and Hooke, Wren and Boyle with Renaissance power

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do witchcraft foil,

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belief in witches and Dark Age fear,

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just like Bobsy, disappear!

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BOOM!

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-HE COUGHS

-Yeah, didn't think that would work.

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It didn't work in rehearsal.

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Back to you, Sam. Sorry about all the smoke.

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SHE COUGHS

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The answer is...

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Towards the end of his life,

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Da Vinci made a robot lion

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that could walk forward

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and open its chest

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to reveal flowers.

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He really was ahead of his time.

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'Leonardo?' KNOCKING AT DOOR

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He's not in.

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Yes, you are in!

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Ciao, Lisa!

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Don't you, "Ciao, Lisa" me! Where is my portrait?

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Ah! It's still notta finished!

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I'm very busy.

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It's been 12 years since you started, Leonardo!

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I've gotta too much to do.

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I'm not just a painter,

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I'm a sculptor, an architect, a musician,

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a scientist, a mathematician, an engineer, an anatomist,

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a geologist, a cartographer, a botanist,

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a writer and inventor.

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Ah, an inventor!

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What rubbish you inventa here, huh?

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It's a glider, it's to fly through the air.

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I'll make you fly through the air, I'll kick your butt!

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-Funny.

-I thought you said my portrait would be a masterpiece,

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look at it, it a tiddly!

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Lisa, bellissima! I even give you the enigmatic smile,

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you never smile for real.

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You know the problem with you, you never finish anything!

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You not even finished getting dressed!

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OK, that's true but that's not fair because there's a...

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You not even finish your sentence!

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Can we finish this argument tomorrow?

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I have a very important mathematical problem I need to solve.

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Tomorrow, tomorrow you're a procrastinator!

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Maybe I'll do something about being a procrastinator tomorrow.

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Ergh!

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It's a joke, I make a joke!

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The only joke here is you.

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Now you finish my painting or this supper,

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it'll be your last supper, capisce?

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The Last Supper, the only painting I ever finished.

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SHE GROWLS

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No wonder they call her the Mona Lisa. She's horrible!

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Mummification is a funny old game. It really is!

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Hello and welcome to the ancient Egyptian Make Show.

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Today, we're going to be showing you how to make a mummy!

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Joining me today is my new apprentice embalmer, Vadile.

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Aah, aah, argh!

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It's Vadile's first day as apprentice embalmer,

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how's it going?

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Brilliantly, yeah, really good.

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Apart from being chased through the city having abuse shouted at me

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and rocks thrown at me!

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Leave me alone!

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Ha-ha-ha! That's just ancient Egyptian tradition, I'm afraid.

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People get the chance to damage the body of the apprentice embalmer,

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for it is he who will be damaging their body

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when he prepares them for the journey to the afterlife.

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Makes perfect sense.

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First of all, we need a dead body.

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Here's one that died earlier.

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Or did he?!

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I think he's dead, boss.

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Well, better tickle him with a feather just to make sure.

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Trust me, you don't want to be pulling a man's guts out

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while he's still alive.

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Ha-ha, seriously, you don't. I've done it, it's awful.

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Here's one I disembowelled earlier.

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The lungs, liver, stomach and intestine have all been removed

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and placed in the appropriate Canopic jars.

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Vadile is now removing the brains through the nose

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and is going to put them in the bin.

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-Wa-argh!

-Oh. Ha-ha-ha!

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Careful there, Vadile - we might not need our brains in the afterlife

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but we certainly need to use them while we're still here. Ha-ha!

0:16:090:16:12

Next, we cover the body with salt.

0:16:130:16:16

I also like to season it with a little bit of pepper.

0:16:160:16:19

Ha-ha! I don't really, Vadile, I'm joking!

0:16:190:16:22

The salt sucks up all the moisture from the body,

0:16:220:16:25

we then pack it full of sawdust

0:16:250:16:27

and then soften the skin with oil.

0:16:270:16:29

It's now time to wrap things up, literally, ha-ha!

0:16:300:16:34

This is none other than the body of the great Pharaoh,

0:16:340:16:38

Ramesses II himself.

0:16:380:16:39

Vadile, you have the great honour

0:16:390:16:41

of watching a master technician at work,

0:16:410:16:44

putting the finishing touches to the Pharaoh's mummy.

0:16:440:16:47

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! The head's come off!

0:16:470:16:50

-Vadile! Ah, ah!

-It's OK.

0:16:500:16:53

You can just stick it on using this stick.

0:16:530:16:55

Yes, the stick, let's do that. Argh, no-one's going to notice.

0:16:550:16:58

Argh, argh!

0:16:580:17:00

Oh, no! It's on the wrong way round!

0:17:000:17:01

It's OK. Calm down, calm down.

0:17:010:17:03

We'll turn the head back around...

0:17:030:17:05

Yes?

0:17:050:17:06

..and cover the join using this bandage here.

0:17:060:17:08

-There you go.

-That's done it.

0:17:080:17:10

-Bob's your uncle or rather your

-mummy!

0:17:100:17:13

Ha-ha-ha!

0:17:130:17:15

-Is that supposed to be me, cos it's not funny?!

-Sorry.

0:17:150:17:17

-Sounds nothing like me.

-I thought it was pretty good.

0:17:170:17:20

The mummy of Ramesses II was flown to Paris in 1974

0:17:200:17:24

for emergency conservation work.

0:17:240:17:27

It was issued a passport

0:17:270:17:28

and in the box titled, "occupation," the passport said,

0:17:280:17:32

"King (deceased)"

0:17:320:17:35

Ha-ha!

0:17:350:17:37

Just imagine his sarcophagus

0:17:370:17:38

going round and round on the luggage carousel!

0:17:380:17:41

Oh, I've made myself feel sick!

0:17:410:17:44

# Pull the brain out through the nose

0:17:460:17:49

# Know where each organ goes

0:17:490:17:52

# Be careful you don't quiver

0:17:520:17:54

# When you yank out the liver

0:17:540:17:57

# And the stomach, lungs and guts

0:17:570:17:59

# Try not to be a klutz

0:17:590:18:01

# Choose the right Canopic jar

0:18:010:18:04

-# To be an embalming star... #

-Yeah!

0:18:040:18:06

# So cut the heart out with your knife

0:18:060:18:08

# I need it for the afterlife. #

0:18:080:18:11

It'll tickle your funny bone.

0:18:110:18:13

BUZZER RINGS

0:18:130:18:14

When it came to the art of words,

0:18:190:18:21

Tudor playwright William Shakespeare was penominant...

0:18:210:18:25

Phenomin...

0:18:250:18:26

Phenom... He was good.

0:18:260:18:29

PEOPLE CHATTER

0:18:310:18:33

Oh, sir, thou did spill my ale.

0:18:350:18:38

Aye, sir, what of that?

0:18:380:18:40

-You challenge me?

-What of it?

-Leave it Thomas, he's not worth it.

0:18:400:18:43

Unhand me, Tina. This man has insulted me.

0:18:430:18:46

Aye, sir and will again.

0:18:460:18:48

In that case... I challenge you to a duel!

0:18:480:18:51

CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY

0:18:510:18:53

Name your weapon.

0:18:530:18:55

I choose words.

0:18:550:18:57

Words? That's unusual, but I accept.

0:18:570:19:01

-Don't you know who that is?

-No and neither do I care.

0:19:010:19:03

That's Will Shakespeare.

0:19:030:19:05

You can't fight him with words, no-one can beat him.

0:19:050:19:08

Stuff and nonsense, Tina. I will out insult this man with ease.

0:19:080:19:12

Fight!

0:19:120:19:13

-CROWD CHANTS:

-Fight, fight, fight!

0:19:130:19:16

Come now, sir. Blast me with your tongue.

0:19:160:19:19

Vassal! Ha-hah!

0:19:190:19:21

Villainous...

0:19:210:19:23

villain!

0:19:230:19:25

CROWD LAUGHS Finished?

0:19:250:19:27

No, hang on.

0:19:270:19:28

Thou art...a saucy rogue.

0:19:280:19:33

A saucy rogue, how can I respond?

0:19:330:19:37

To a beslubbered, pebbling, churlish clotpole.

0:19:370:19:41

Beef-witted, gleeking bum-bailey.

0:19:410:19:44

A gorbellied, mewling, hedge-born,

0:19:440:19:48

onion-eyed, fustilarian cob loaf!

0:19:480:19:51

LAUGHTER

0:19:510:19:52

What?

0:19:520:19:54

Silence! You flap-eared, knotty-pated measle.

0:19:540:19:56

You ruttish, reeking coxcomb!

0:19:560:19:59

You hugger-mugger moldwarp!

0:19:590:20:02

You pottle-deep, maggot-pie lewdster!

0:20:020:20:06

Got him.

0:20:060:20:07

Go on, Will, finish him off.

0:20:070:20:09

Yeasty, tickle-brained, whey-faced, nut-hook skainsmate!

0:20:090:20:15

CHEERING

0:20:150:20:16

Still the champion!

0:20:160:20:18

Any of you clay-brained fools want a piece of me?

0:20:180:20:21

WHACK!

0:20:210:20:22

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:240:20:25

I'm all right, I'm all right.

0:20:250:20:28

Shakespeare was a genius with words.

0:20:280:20:30

He invented 1,700 of them,

0:20:300:20:33

many of which have become household words.

0:20:330:20:36

In fact, he came up with the phrase, "household words," as well. Ha-ha!

0:20:360:20:41

Elizabeth I liked Shakespeare's plays - which was just as well -

0:20:410:20:45

cos you really wouldn't want to upset Elizabeth.

0:20:450:20:48

This week in Oh Yea! Magazine, it's our Royal Rage Special

0:20:480:20:51

as we dish the dirt on Queen Elizabeth's temper tantrums.

0:20:510:20:54

What do you mean, "temper tantrums?!"

0:20:540:20:57

Find out what she did to her personal private secretary,

0:20:570:21:00

William Davidson.

0:21:000:21:01

The Queen punched and kicked me. But don't tell her I told you so.

0:21:010:21:05

< Davidson, who are you talking to?

0:21:050:21:07

Nobody, ma'am!

0:21:070:21:09

And we've an exclusive from political commentator, John Stubbs.

0:21:090:21:12

I wrote a pamphlet that the Queen didn't like,

0:21:120:21:15

but I certainly won't be doing it again!

0:21:150:21:17

Partly because I don't want to make her angry,

0:21:170:21:20

but mainly because she had my writing hand cut off.

0:21:200:21:22

Plus, we've got a copy of the letter she wrote to the Earl of Essex

0:21:220:21:26

that was so terrifying, it made him faint.

0:21:260:21:28

Essex, we are ignorant of where thou art,

0:21:280:21:31

what thou doth or what thou art to do.

0:21:310:21:34

PS - wish you were here so I could cut your head off.

0:21:340:21:38

And we've got the photos

0:21:380:21:39

the royal courtiers didn't want you to see.

0:21:390:21:42

Look at those embarrassing sweat patches!

0:21:420:21:44

You'd be sweaty too if you had to meet livid Liz!

0:21:440:21:47

Actually, that's not a sweat patch.

0:21:470:21:49

Queen Elizabeth didn't like the tassels on my outfit,

0:21:490:21:52

so she spat on me.

0:21:520:21:53

She really did! Ha-ha!

0:21:530:21:56

It's your Queen as you've never seen her before.

0:21:560:21:58

Don't make me angry.

0:21:580:22:00

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

0:22:000:22:02

Keep your hair on, ma'am! Oh, you can't, it's a wig!

0:22:020:22:05

I heard that. Call my executioner!

0:22:050:22:09

Oh Yea! Magazine - buy it now while necks last.

0:22:090:22:12

You may have heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade,

0:22:160:22:19

a catalogue of silly mistakes that led to a British military disaster.

0:22:190:22:23

Obviously, it wasn't planned that way,

0:22:230:22:26

but if it had been, it might have gone something like this.

0:22:260:22:30

OK, pay attention, chaps.

0:22:300:22:32

Here is the plan for the pivotal battle

0:22:320:22:34

in the whole of the Crimean War.

0:22:340:22:36

Splendid, Lord Raglan.

0:22:360:22:38

Hooray! Ha-ha!

0:22:380:22:39

As your commanding officer, I will be up here on the hill

0:22:390:22:43

from where I will order our troops to charge the enemy Russian guns.

0:22:430:22:47

Which ones, sir?

0:22:470:22:49

Good question! Not as stupid as you look, old Cardigan!

0:22:490:22:51

Oh, I think I am, sir!

0:22:510:22:53

-THEY LAUGH

-And so am I,

0:22:530:22:55

which is why I won't realise that I'm the only one

0:22:550:22:57

that can see that there are TWO enemy Russian guns.

0:22:570:23:00

The rest of you will be in the valley here,

0:23:000:23:03

able to see the guns HERE, but not HERE!

0:23:030:23:06

-Right, sir.

-Captain Nolan?

-Yes, sir?

0:23:060:23:09

You will be with me and I shall issue you

0:23:090:23:11

with a very vague and badly-written order

0:23:110:23:13

to attack the enemy Russian guns,

0:23:130:23:15

which you will carry to Lord Lucan.

0:23:150:23:18

But surely I won't know which Russian guns you mean, sir?

0:23:180:23:21

Ha-ha, now you're getting it, boy!

0:23:210:23:24

You will ask Nolan, "Which guns?" to which he will reply, "Those guns,"

0:23:240:23:29

giving a very broad sweep of his arm, leaving you none the wiser.

0:23:290:23:33

-It's a jolly good plan!

-Oh, thank you.

0:23:330:23:35

-Old Cardigan.

-Yes, sir?

0:23:350:23:37

You will be in charge of the Light Brigade,

0:23:370:23:40

so when Lucan here, gives you the order to charge,

0:23:400:23:43

you just...charge off at completely the wrong guns!

0:23:430:23:45

Brilliant.

0:23:450:23:47

Nolan, as they set off, you'll realise your mistake

0:23:470:23:50

and try to charge ahead to warn Cardigan,

0:23:500:23:52

but you'll be shot and killed before you're able to give him the message.

0:23:520:23:56

Right you are, sir.

0:23:560:23:58

The plan is for Lucan to follow Cardigan

0:23:580:24:00

with the Heavy Brigade as backup,

0:24:000:24:02

but naturally, Lucan won't follow at all.

0:24:020:24:05

He will simply stand and watch, and leave you to it.

0:24:050:24:08

-Why's that, sir?

-Because you're my brother-in-law and I don't like you!

0:24:080:24:12

THEY LAUGH

0:24:120:24:14

These are all the advantages of having the army commanded

0:24:140:24:17

by a small group of upper-class twits!

0:24:170:24:19

Hm, hm.

0:24:190:24:20

I'm not an upper-class twit, sir.

0:24:200:24:23

That's why you're not in charge of anything at all, Nolan!

0:24:230:24:26

So be quiet! Any questions?

0:24:260:24:27

Just one, sir.

0:24:270:24:29

What happens when we charge completely at the wrong guns?

0:24:290:24:33

Well, the Russians will open fire at you from all sides

0:24:330:24:36

and hundreds will be killed, taken prisoner or wounded.

0:24:360:24:40

It will be an utter disaster!

0:24:400:24:43

-Hm.

-Miraculously, you will survive the charge, old Cardigan,

0:24:430:24:47

but instead of struggling back with the rest of your troops,

0:24:470:24:50

you will simply head to your yacht for a slap-up lunch.

0:24:500:24:53

Best make a note of that. Slap-up lunch, very good.

0:24:530:24:56

So, are we all clear?

0:24:560:24:58

-ALL:

-No, not really, no.

0:24:590:25:01

Marvellous! Then let the charge begin!

0:25:010:25:05

-ALL:

-Hoorah!

0:25:050:25:06

Ha, ha, ha!

0:25:060:25:08

Lord Raglan had fought against the French in the Napoleonic Wars

0:25:080:25:11

about 40 years before.

0:25:110:25:13

He insisted on calling the enemy the French,

0:25:130:25:16

even though the enemy in the Crimean War were the Russians!

0:25:160:25:20

In fact, the French were on Raglan's side!

0:25:200:25:23

No wonder he lost his Light Brigade, huh!

0:25:230:25:26

Just as well, there were some great nurses in the Crimea.

0:25:260:25:30

# Me name Mary Seacole, famous nurse

0:25:350:25:38

# To the Crimean boys

0:25:380:25:40

# No, me not Florence Nightingale

0:25:400:25:43

# Dat mix up, me annoys

0:25:430:25:45

# Me learn me skills in Jamaica

0:25:450:25:48

# Where me mother nursed de sick

0:25:480:25:50

# And I tink it my destiny, child

0:25:500:25:53

# To be a war medic

0:25:530:25:55

# If you're coughing Then you should have a drink with it

0:25:550:25:57

# If your diet's poor You should really tink upon it

0:25:570:26:00

# If it's cholera Rehydration's best for it

0:26:000:26:02

# If it's fever Better take some rest for it

0:26:020:26:05

# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

0:26:050:26:10

# History still says me name

0:26:100:26:12

# Cos me not one to moan

0:26:120:26:15

# Me ask me friend Thomas Day for help

0:26:150:26:17

# And set off upon my own

0:26:170:26:19

# If you need it Put a mustard plaster upon it

0:26:190:26:22

# If you're bleeding Shouldn't be disaster for it

0:26:220:26:25

# If your leg broke Going to need a cast on it

0:26:250:26:27

# If you're constipated Take oil of castor for it

0:26:270:26:30

# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

0:26:300:26:35

# Once here, in Crimea

0:26:350:26:37

# Me became a pioneer

0:26:370:26:40

# Me carpenters engineered

0:26:400:26:42

# A hotel at the new frontier

0:26:420:26:44

# Set up on the front line in 1855

0:26:440:26:47

# Independent woman Saving soldiers' lives... #

0:26:470:26:49

Welcome to the British Hotel.

0:26:490:26:52

# Me boarding house became de haunt

0:26:520:26:55

# Of de great and good

0:26:550:26:57

# Though it wasn't glamorous

0:26:570:26:59

# It was built of old bits of wood

0:26:590:27:02

# Supplied the troops With kit and clothes

0:27:020:27:04

# Served both de rich and poor

0:27:040:27:07

# Me nursed right upon De battlefield

0:27:070:27:09

# While Florence worked Far from the war

0:27:090:27:12

# I'm a nursing lady Put a splint on it

0:27:120:27:14

# Me see a wounded man Better sprint to it

0:27:140:27:17

# Earned fame from de war And my stint in it

0:27:170:27:19

-# But the

-Crimean

-shame Is me a skint from it

0:27:190:27:22

# When de war was done

0:27:220:27:24

# Me never have a dime

0:27:240:27:26

# Despite de work me do

0:27:260:27:29

# Bankruptcy was mine

0:27:290:27:32

# I'm a fierce lady Never fazed by it

0:27:320:27:34

# Wrote a book And earned funds raised by it

0:27:340:27:37

# Me hotel Men owed their lives to it

0:27:370:27:39

# Going down in history Dat's me prize for it. #

0:27:390:27:42

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

0:27:440:27:45

We gave you all The fearsome facts... #

0:27:450:27:47

If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD/BC Time Tour music game?

0:27:470:27:51

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!

0:27:510:27:56

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #

0:27:560:28:00

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