Episode 5 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors Gorgeous Georgians

# Slimy Stuarts Vile Victorians

# Woeful wars Ferocious fights

# Dingy castles Daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans - rotten, rank and ruthless

# Cavemen - Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that

# And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Five eager chefs, five historical eras but just one prize.

Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?

People make food and we eat the food!

That is the format as I understand it.

Stone-age chef Nug, is a farmer from Skara Brae -

a Neolithic community from the Scottish Orkney Isles.

But will stone-age cooking rock our judges?

I'll handle this.

Ug, Nug, Nug,

ugga, Nug, Nug, ug?

Is he all right?

It's all right, I was just speaking Stone Age.

That's actually quite offensive.

Neolithic man was almost as evolved as you are now

so our language is quite sophisticated.

Right, sorry. I wasn't, you know.

I... Lots of my friends are cavemen.

Nug is pulling out all the stops to wow the judges.

So what are you going to cook for us today then, Nug?

Don't tell me, mammoth with mammoth served with mammoth and mammoth,

wrapped in mammoth and with a side order of mammoth?!

Ha-ha!

Just try to ignore him, Nug. I do.

-Well, I thought we'd kick off with a seafood starter, limpets.

-Mm.

Mmm, those are beautiful, mate, lovely and fresh!

We keep 'em in rock pool tanks.

Not for me, I'm allergic. I swell up.

You sure you haven't eaten some already?

Ha-ha! Good one, mate. Hm.

Nug's preparing his main course

and the judges are in for another surprise.

It's sheep and deer meat with a berry jus,

all washed down with some cow's milk.

Let's have a start.

Yeah?

Mmm, that is succulent, perfectly cooked, it's sublime!

Look, John, he's made a dessert. Stone-age chocolate cake.

Oh!

No, no, that's fuel for cooking.

It's dried cow dung.

GREGG SPITS IT OUT

Why, why?!

Get me some soap! I need some soap!

Nug, we were expecting a primitive meal

but you really have surprised us with some very advanced cooking,

isn't that right, Gregg?

Whatever! This soap's not working, John.

You're through to the next round, congratulations!

Sorry, I get quite emotional!

That's OK, mate. It's all right.

You're just a modern man.

NUG SOBS

It's true, the people who lived at Skara Brae in Orkney

5,000 years ago

had a really varied diet

and had limpet tanks to keep their seafood fresh.

Rotten seafood can easily make you sick.

Which is good news

because one of my favourite dishes is rotten seafood sick. Ha-ha!

And about 7,000 years ago,

some stone-age town dwellers created the first stone-age city.

-I don't know...

-This is all off topic.

Let's call this meeting of the town planning committee to order.

The first item on the agenda

is my proposal to turn our stone-age town into a city.

Question, Mr Chairman. What's a city?

-This is a city.

-Looks a lot like our town.

It is our town.

It's just bigger and we've put gaps between the houses - streets.

What's wrong with what we do now?

Building the houses joined together and walking over roofs?

Not saying anything's wrong

but you can't drive donkeys and carts across the roofs

whereas you can along the streets.

Come on, we don't need these fancy-pants straits.

-Streets.

-Streets.

This isn't another of your plans to be made boss of everyone, is it?

-Oh, here we go!

-Yeah!

No, no, no!

-Sounds familiar.

-Can we just draw a line under this?

Whose is this massive house?

-I bet you it's his!

-No, no, no!

It's not my house and it's not even a house.

We thought it'd be nice to have buildings

that aren't just places to live.

-Why?

-They'd be places to meet,

places to worship, places to make things.

They can make stuff at home!

-And you are a great carpenter.

-Thanks.

Wouldn't it be nice if you could concentrate on that

in a special building for it with other carpenters?

Imagine how many carts you'd make!

If I spend all my day making carts what am I going to eat?

While you're making the carts, people who are good at growing,

grow things,

then you swap your carts for their food...

What if you're good at everything?

I don't think you don't need to worry about that, Craig.

We call it trade.

Sounds a bit complicated.

Maybe you're right, maybe we need someone in charge.

I knew this was going to happen!

No, no, no!

I didn't say me, not necessarily me!

All right, I'll be in charge.

-Maybe it's better if it is me.

-Hm.

And I'll give myself a simple title, like King and I'll live here.

-You said that wasn't a house.

-It's not, it's a palace.

I don't see why I can't be king?

Well, I've already hired these two heavily-armed bodyguards.

Right.

Do you think they'll be needing carts?

-Now you're getting it!

-OK.

-Take a leaf out of this guy's book.

You may have heard of Hannibal.

He was one of Rome's greatest enemies

but he didn't just fight us Romans, oh, no!

From the great naval power of Carthage

came a maverick Carthaginian commander

who liked to fight dirty.

The name's Hannibal and don't you Carthaginian forget it, y'all!

In the war with Greece, he'd stop at nothing to get what he wanted.

Let them have it!

Heads up, lads, looks like Hannibal is catapulting something at us.

Quite hard to make out what it is?

It could be arrows.

No, it's not arrows. Looks like bits of rope!

-THEY SCREAM

-Aah! Snakes!

Hiss!

Bet they weren't expecting that!

Don't worry, lads. I know my snakes and I'm sure those aren't venomous.

Oh! My mistake...they are venomous.

The deadliest of enemies use the deadliest of tactics.

THEY SCREAM

Get this Carthaginian snake off my bottom!

When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!

Let them eat snake!

I'm still a Carthaginian maverick, y'all!

In the war with Rome,

he would do what never had been done before.

I'm going to take elephants over the mountains

and crush the Romans on the plain.

I mean literally crush them.

When I fight, I fight Carthaginian dirty, y'all!

Those Carthaginian horses certainly look big.

I don't think those are horses.

-They're elephants! Elephants!

-THEY YELL

Man, they weren't expecting that!

Ooh!

Hello and welcome to The News At When.

When? The 1300s, when over in Italy,

the discovery of ancient writings and art

led to a cultural rebirth or renaissance

that's become known somewhat unimaginably, as the Renaissance.

Here with more details on this retro revolution is Bob Hale

with the Renaissance report.

Bob.

Thank you, Sam!

Well, the year is 1300 and something or other,

that there is Italy, and here in cities like Venice and Florence,

something exciting is happening.

Actually, something dull is happening

but there's something exciting - bear with me.

The dull thing is they've done away with the feudal system -

an emperor at the top, uneducated peasants at the bottom -

and opted instead for a republic

where everything's run by boring middle management.

Told you it was dull.

To become a boring middle-management type

you need a decent education,

something your average Italian hasn't had for centuries.

To find it, they have to go old-school.

To an old school in fact,

the great libraries of the Islamic world,

which contain classical writings from ancient Rome and Greece.

So these Italian boffins rediscover loads of ancient knowledge,

classical learning enjoys something of a rebirth

or Renaissance as the French like to call it and that's the end of that.

But not for long!

Soon Italian sculptors start turning to the past for inspiration too,

basing their statues on ones from ancient Rome and Greece

and Renaissance art is born.

Yes, thanks to such big name chisel chippers as Michelangelo, Donatello

and Da Vinci,

the style of the past is brought back at last.

Oh, I'm a poet and I don't know it,

except I do know it and I did that on purpose

as a clever link into this next bit about poetry.

Well done, Bobsy.

The Renaissance isn't just about copying stuff.

That's not a Renaissance, that's cheating as examiners will tell you.

It's being inspired by the past but adding a modern twist,

which is where the poets come in.

The likes of Dante, Petrarch and Boccaccio

inspired by ancient writing,

find a new style of rhyme that more suits their time

and become the first poets of the Renaissance.

Before long, the painters are also relishing this Renaissance spirit.

Giotto brightens up the art world by brightening up the art world.

Yes, he adds windows to his paintings,

introducing light and space to art for the very first time.

Then Alberti hits upon the concept of perspective,

a system of judging when something is very, very far away

and when something is very, very close, whoa!

SIGNAL BEEPS

Sorry about that, I forgot that was there, where were we?

Ah yes, Renaissance artists!

Titian, Raphael, Botticelli all making their mark on the art world

as they discover shadow and lifelike accuracy.

And they don't stop there.

Having developed a taste for new concepts and fresh thinking,

Renaissance man becomes what we now call a Renaissance man.

Someone who's brilliant at everything, just like Bobsy.

So sculptor Michelangelo puts down his chisel,

picks up a paintbrush

and turns the Sistine Chapel ceiling into a work of art.

As for Leonardo Da Vinci, well, there's nothing he CAN'T do.

He's a sculptor, painter, scientist, inventor, engineer,

geologist, botanist, musician and all round smarty-pants.

Though he didn't win silver

at the 1981 Three Counties Domino Championships so,

I think I'm still a little bit better.

He does however, come up with designs for...

the calculator, solar power, military tanks and helicopters

though obviously not helicopters but with... What?

Oh, apparently he did come up with helicopters.

I knew that one would come back to bite me one day!

And talking of things coming back to bite you,

remember the republic?

Well, with the emperors gone,

Italians now get to vote for their leaders,

and no sooner is there voting than there is vote rigging,

meaning corrupt families like the Borgias and the Medicis

can bribe, buy and muscle their way into power.

An absolute disaster, right?

Wrong!

These corrupt families just love showing off,

so what do they spend all their money on?

New works of art!

The rulers of Italy are now personally funding the Renaissance

and it goes from strength to strength.

The threat of foreign invasion only helps to fuel the march of progress,

as Da Vinci, Alberti and Michelangelo

start designing clever new forts to defend Italy from invaders.

Now the Renaissance is harder to contain

than the waist on my trousers on pizza night.

This new way of thinking starts spreading right around the world!

Copernicus and Galileo revolutionise astronomy.

Erasmus and Descartes become the great new thinkers of a new age,

and silly superstitions are replaced by fantastic facts

thanks to the invents of what we now call science,

as men like Bacon and Hooke, Wren and Boyle with Renaissance power

do witchcraft foil,

belief in witches and Dark Age fear,

just like Bobsy, disappear!

BOOM!

-HE COUGHS

-Yeah, didn't think that would work.

It didn't work in rehearsal.

Back to you, Sam. Sorry about all the smoke.

SHE COUGHS

The answer is...

Towards the end of his life,

Da Vinci made a robot lion

that could walk forward

and open its chest

to reveal flowers.

He really was ahead of his time.

'Leonardo?' KNOCKING AT DOOR

He's not in.

Yes, you are in!

Ciao, Lisa!

Don't you, "Ciao, Lisa" me! Where is my portrait?

Ah! It's still notta finished!

I'm very busy.

It's been 12 years since you started, Leonardo!

I've gotta too much to do.

I'm not just a painter,

I'm a sculptor, an architect, a musician,

a scientist, a mathematician, an engineer, an anatomist,

a geologist, a cartographer, a botanist,

a writer and inventor.

Ah, an inventor!

What rubbish you inventa here, huh?

It's a glider, it's to fly through the air.

I'll make you fly through the air, I'll kick your butt!

-Funny.

-I thought you said my portrait would be a masterpiece,

look at it, it a tiddly!

Lisa, bellissima! I even give you the enigmatic smile,

you never smile for real.

You know the problem with you, you never finish anything!

You not even finished getting dressed!

OK, that's true but that's not fair because there's a...

You not even finish your sentence!

Can we finish this argument tomorrow?

I have a very important mathematical problem I need to solve.

Tomorrow, tomorrow you're a procrastinator!

Maybe I'll do something about being a procrastinator tomorrow.

Ergh!

It's a joke, I make a joke!

The only joke here is you.

Now you finish my painting or this supper,

it'll be your last supper, capisce?

The Last Supper, the only painting I ever finished.

SHE GROWLS

No wonder they call her the Mona Lisa. She's horrible!

Mummification is a funny old game. It really is!

Hello and welcome to the ancient Egyptian Make Show.

Today, we're going to be showing you how to make a mummy!

Joining me today is my new apprentice embalmer, Vadile.

Aah, aah, argh!

It's Vadile's first day as apprentice embalmer,

how's it going?

Brilliantly, yeah, really good.

Apart from being chased through the city having abuse shouted at me

and rocks thrown at me!

Leave me alone!

Ha-ha-ha! That's just ancient Egyptian tradition, I'm afraid.

People get the chance to damage the body of the apprentice embalmer,

for it is he who will be damaging their body

when he prepares them for the journey to the afterlife.

Makes perfect sense.

First of all, we need a dead body.

Here's one that died earlier.

Or did he?!

I think he's dead, boss.

Well, better tickle him with a feather just to make sure.

Trust me, you don't want to be pulling a man's guts out

while he's still alive.

Ha-ha, seriously, you don't. I've done it, it's awful.

Here's one I disembowelled earlier.

The lungs, liver, stomach and intestine have all been removed

and placed in the appropriate Canopic jars.

Vadile is now removing the brains through the nose

and is going to put them in the bin.

-Wa-argh!

-Oh. Ha-ha-ha!

Careful there, Vadile - we might not need our brains in the afterlife

but we certainly need to use them while we're still here. Ha-ha!

Next, we cover the body with salt.

I also like to season it with a little bit of pepper.

Ha-ha! I don't really, Vadile, I'm joking!

The salt sucks up all the moisture from the body,

we then pack it full of sawdust

and then soften the skin with oil.

It's now time to wrap things up, literally, ha-ha!

This is none other than the body of the great Pharaoh,

Ramesses II himself.

Vadile, you have the great honour

of watching a master technician at work,

putting the finishing touches to the Pharaoh's mummy.

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! The head's come off!

-Vadile! Ah, ah!

-It's OK.

You can just stick it on using this stick.

Yes, the stick, let's do that. Argh, no-one's going to notice.

Argh, argh!

Oh, no! It's on the wrong way round!

It's OK. Calm down, calm down.

We'll turn the head back around...

Yes?

..and cover the join using this bandage here.

-There you go.

-That's done it.

-Bob's your uncle or rather your

-mummy!

Ha-ha-ha!

-Is that supposed to be me, cos it's not funny?!

-Sorry.

-Sounds nothing like me.

-I thought it was pretty good.

The mummy of Ramesses II was flown to Paris in 1974

for emergency conservation work.

It was issued a passport

and in the box titled, "occupation," the passport said,

"King (deceased)"

Ha-ha!

Just imagine his sarcophagus

going round and round on the luggage carousel!

Oh, I've made myself feel sick!

# Pull the brain out through the nose

# Know where each organ goes

# Be careful you don't quiver

# When you yank out the liver

# And the stomach, lungs and guts

# Try not to be a klutz

# Choose the right Canopic jar

-# To be an embalming star... #

-Yeah!

# So cut the heart out with your knife

# I need it for the afterlife. #

It'll tickle your funny bone.

BUZZER RINGS

When it came to the art of words,

Tudor playwright William Shakespeare was penominant...

Phenomin...

Phenom... He was good.

PEOPLE CHATTER

Oh, sir, thou did spill my ale.

Aye, sir, what of that?

-You challenge me?

-What of it?

-Leave it Thomas, he's not worth it.

Unhand me, Tina. This man has insulted me.

Aye, sir and will again.

In that case... I challenge you to a duel!

CROWD MURMURS EXCITEDLY

Name your weapon.

I choose words.

Words? That's unusual, but I accept.

-Don't you know who that is?

-No and neither do I care.

That's Will Shakespeare.

You can't fight him with words, no-one can beat him.

Stuff and nonsense, Tina. I will out insult this man with ease.

Fight!

-CROWD CHANTS:

-Fight, fight, fight!

Come now, sir. Blast me with your tongue.

Vassal! Ha-hah!

Villainous...

villain!

CROWD LAUGHS Finished?

No, hang on.

Thou art...a saucy rogue.

A saucy rogue, how can I respond?

To a beslubbered, pebbling, churlish clotpole.

Beef-witted, gleeking bum-bailey.

A gorbellied, mewling, hedge-born,

onion-eyed, fustilarian cob loaf!

LAUGHTER

What?

Silence! You flap-eared, knotty-pated measle.

You ruttish, reeking coxcomb!

You hugger-mugger moldwarp!

You pottle-deep, maggot-pie lewdster!

Got him.

Go on, Will, finish him off.

Yeasty, tickle-brained, whey-faced, nut-hook skainsmate!

CHEERING

Still the champion!

Any of you clay-brained fools want a piece of me?

WHACK!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm all right, I'm all right.

Shakespeare was a genius with words.

He invented 1,700 of them,

many of which have become household words.

In fact, he came up with the phrase, "household words," as well. Ha-ha!

Elizabeth I liked Shakespeare's plays - which was just as well -

cos you really wouldn't want to upset Elizabeth.

This week in Oh Yea! Magazine, it's our Royal Rage Special

as we dish the dirt on Queen Elizabeth's temper tantrums.

What do you mean, "temper tantrums?!"

Find out what she did to her personal private secretary,

William Davidson.

The Queen punched and kicked me. But don't tell her I told you so.

< Davidson, who are you talking to?

Nobody, ma'am!

And we've an exclusive from political commentator, John Stubbs.

I wrote a pamphlet that the Queen didn't like,

but I certainly won't be doing it again!

Partly because I don't want to make her angry,

but mainly because she had my writing hand cut off.

Plus, we've got a copy of the letter she wrote to the Earl of Essex

that was so terrifying, it made him faint.

Essex, we are ignorant of where thou art,

what thou doth or what thou art to do.

PS - wish you were here so I could cut your head off.

And we've got the photos

the royal courtiers didn't want you to see.

Look at those embarrassing sweat patches!

You'd be sweaty too if you had to meet livid Liz!

Actually, that's not a sweat patch.

Queen Elizabeth didn't like the tassels on my outfit,

so she spat on me.

She really did! Ha-ha!

It's your Queen as you've never seen her before.

Don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

Keep your hair on, ma'am! Oh, you can't, it's a wig!

I heard that. Call my executioner!

Oh Yea! Magazine - buy it now while necks last.

You may have heard of the Charge of the Light Brigade,

a catalogue of silly mistakes that led to a British military disaster.

Obviously, it wasn't planned that way,

but if it had been, it might have gone something like this.

OK, pay attention, chaps.

Here is the plan for the pivotal battle

in the whole of the Crimean War.

Splendid, Lord Raglan.

Hooray! Ha-ha!

As your commanding officer, I will be up here on the hill

from where I will order our troops to charge the enemy Russian guns.

Which ones, sir?

Good question! Not as stupid as you look, old Cardigan!

Oh, I think I am, sir!

-THEY LAUGH

-And so am I,

which is why I won't realise that I'm the only one

that can see that there are TWO enemy Russian guns.

The rest of you will be in the valley here,

able to see the guns HERE, but not HERE!

-Right, sir.

-Captain Nolan?

-Yes, sir?

You will be with me and I shall issue you

with a very vague and badly-written order

to attack the enemy Russian guns,

which you will carry to Lord Lucan.

But surely I won't know which Russian guns you mean, sir?

Ha-ha, now you're getting it, boy!

You will ask Nolan, "Which guns?" to which he will reply, "Those guns,"

giving a very broad sweep of his arm, leaving you none the wiser.

-It's a jolly good plan!

-Oh, thank you.

-Old Cardigan.

-Yes, sir?

You will be in charge of the Light Brigade,

so when Lucan here, gives you the order to charge,

you just...charge off at completely the wrong guns!

Brilliant.

Nolan, as they set off, you'll realise your mistake

and try to charge ahead to warn Cardigan,

but you'll be shot and killed before you're able to give him the message.

Right you are, sir.

The plan is for Lucan to follow Cardigan

with the Heavy Brigade as backup,

but naturally, Lucan won't follow at all.

He will simply stand and watch, and leave you to it.

-Why's that, sir?

-Because you're my brother-in-law and I don't like you!

THEY LAUGH

These are all the advantages of having the army commanded

by a small group of upper-class twits!

Hm, hm.

I'm not an upper-class twit, sir.

That's why you're not in charge of anything at all, Nolan!

So be quiet! Any questions?

Just one, sir.

What happens when we charge completely at the wrong guns?

Well, the Russians will open fire at you from all sides

and hundreds will be killed, taken prisoner or wounded.

It will be an utter disaster!

-Hm.

-Miraculously, you will survive the charge, old Cardigan,

but instead of struggling back with the rest of your troops,

you will simply head to your yacht for a slap-up lunch.

Best make a note of that. Slap-up lunch, very good.

So, are we all clear?

-ALL:

-No, not really, no.

Marvellous! Then let the charge begin!

-ALL:

-Hoorah!

Ha, ha, ha!

Lord Raglan had fought against the French in the Napoleonic Wars

about 40 years before.

He insisted on calling the enemy the French,

even though the enemy in the Crimean War were the Russians!

In fact, the French were on Raglan's side!

No wonder he lost his Light Brigade, huh!

Just as well, there were some great nurses in the Crimea.

# Me name Mary Seacole, famous nurse

# To the Crimean boys

# No, me not Florence Nightingale

# Dat mix up, me annoys

# Me learn me skills in Jamaica

# Where me mother nursed de sick

# And I tink it my destiny, child

# To be a war medic

# If you're coughing Then you should have a drink with it

# If your diet's poor You should really tink upon it

# If it's cholera Rehydration's best for it

# If it's fever Better take some rest for it

# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

# History still says me name

# Cos me not one to moan

# Me ask me friend Thomas Day for help

# And set off upon my own

# If you need it Put a mustard plaster upon it

# If you're bleeding Shouldn't be disaster for it

# If your leg broke Going to need a cast on it

# If you're constipated Take oil of castor for it

# Wha-oh-oh, wha-oh-oh Wha-oh-oh-oh

# Once here, in Crimea

# Me became a pioneer

# Me carpenters engineered

# A hotel at the new frontier

# Set up on the front line in 1855

# Independent woman Saving soldiers' lives... #

Welcome to the British Hotel.

# Me boarding house became de haunt

# Of de great and good

# Though it wasn't glamorous

# It was built of old bits of wood

# Supplied the troops With kit and clothes

# Served both de rich and poor

# Me nursed right upon De battlefield

# While Florence worked Far from the war

# I'm a nursing lady Put a splint on it

# Me see a wounded man Better sprint to it

# Earned fame from de war And my stint in it

-# But the

-Crimean

-shame Is me a skint from it

# When de war was done

# Me never have a dime

# Despite de work me do

# Bankruptcy was mine

# I'm a fierce lady Never fazed by it

# Wrote a book And earned funds raised by it

# Me hotel Men owed their lives to it

# Going down in history Dat's me prize for it. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts

We gave you all The fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD/BC Time Tour music game?

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #