Episode 6 Horrible Histories

# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, Dingy castles, daring knights

# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, Savage, fierce and toothless

# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

# Horrible Histories. #

Christopher Columbus was one of the world's greatest explorers,

but sometimes he got a little confused.

"Captain's Log October 12th 1492.

"I, Christopher Columbus, am heading westwards on my ship,

"the Santa Maria.

"It is over two months since we set sail from Spain

-"and still no sign of land."

-Land ahoy!

-Land ahoy, Captain! Land ahoy! I...

-OK, get your breath back.

I spotted it. I should claim the king's reward.

-The king's reward is rightfully yours.

-Thank you.

-Unless someone else spotted land last night.

-What?

-Me, for instance.

I don't see how you would have seen it, given that it's over there.

Let's see what the Captain's Log says when we get back to Spain.

Don't. The important thing is my mission is complete.

I, Captain Christopher Columbus,

-have discovered a whole new passage to India.

-India?

They said it was impossible to sail due west from Spain to India.

-It still is.

-Another doubter. I suppose you think the Earth is flat!

-No, I know what shape the Earth is, Captain.

-Good. It's pear shaped.

-This trip is pear shaped. The Earth is a sphere.

-Not according my map.

This must be right. It got us all the way to India.

I'm quite an experienced sailor. We haven't arrived in India.

-We went uphill from Spain.

-Uphill?

-Yeah.

Over the brow of the pear,

past the Canary Islands where we saw those mermaids.

-You mean sea cows.

-They weren't the best looking, but that's harsh.

-And all the way round until... Hola India! Hola India!

-Captain...

-I say hola, you say India. Hola.

-India.

-Hola.

-India. No.

-Can't you admit you're wrong?

-Never!

I am Captain Christopher Columbus, the finest sailor and navigator.

If I go looking for India, India is what I find. Good day.

-Door?

-It's there.

-I know that. It's my cabin.

That's all true. Christopher Columbus never landed in America.

He'd discovered the islands known as the West Indies,

so called because Columbus believed he'd reached the west of India.

The rat knows all. Unlike Columbus.

The person who really discovered America was this fella.

I'm here to pitch the movie of my discovery of America.

Thank you for coming in, Mr Columbus. Take a seat.

I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm Leif Ericsson.

-Must be a nickname.

-Mine's Bubbles.

-Is Leif Ericsson short for Christopher Columbus?

-No.

-It's long for Leif Ericsson.

-Columbus discovered America.

-Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

-He took with him honey and money,

-wrapped in a five pound note.

-Owl and the Pussycat.

-Talking animals. Get Antonio Banderas and Eddie Murphy.

-Eddie Murphy!

What do you mean, 1492? I discovered America in 1002.

-You say you discovered it before Columbus?

-Is this a fantasy?

-Are you Conan the Barbarian?

-No. I'm Leif Ericsson.

Us Vikings went to America 500 years before this Columbus!

-You're a Viking!

-That explains the fur.

-Not cool. I've got a mink.

If you're a Viking, how come your helmet doesn't have horns?

-Viking helmets don't have horns.

-OK, no problem.

-This is a massive problem.

-Do you want to make my movie?

-It's no from me.

-Nnnn-ggg.

-It's three noes.

-Christopher Columbusson, you're sailing home.

-Nice one.

This is an epic saga. The Viking warriors who sailed

their longboats to find a new continent.

-This meeting's a saga.

-Nice one.

Everyone thinks someone else discovered America.

-We cannot have you pillaging our history.

-A Thor loser!

I've had enough of this.

-Overreaction.

-Anyone would think he's the first Viking to get axed!

I don't get it.

Welcome to beautiful Canterbury,

which is today readying itself for a royal visit from King Henry II.

We have been told King Henry plans to visit the city's cathedral.

The royal party should be making its way down this street any minute now.

It seems like a tramp has wandered onto the king's parade route.

-You need to clear off.

-What?

-The king is coming.

-I am the king, you fool!

-Oh, my goodness!

Your Majesty, is this an initiative to make the royal family

seem more down to earth?

-You might have taken it too far.

-I did come all the way from London.

-You walked from London?

-Not all the way. I got a lift.

But I did walk the last couple of miles in barefoot.

-Why?

-As penance, I have done a terrible thing.

If you include what I did on the roadside, two terrible things.

What was the other terrible thing?

I appointed my pal Thomas Becket as Archbishop of Canterbury

to sort out my church problems. A man on the inside.

-Sounds like a clever plan.

-It wasn't. He started getting all religious

and turned out to be a royal pain in the royal backside.

I got angry with him. I have these idiot knights... Here they are.

-Sorry. Got lost on the ring road.

-There isn't a ring road.

-That's why we got lost.

-These must be the idiot knights. No offence.

We get it all the time.

I got in a mood with Thomas Becket and said,

"Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?" And guess what they did.

-THEY MUTTER

-Speak up.

-ALL:

-Beat him to death.

-I asked them to put the frighteners on him.

But they beat him to death on the altar of Canterbury Cathedral,

the holiest place in England.

-I said I'm sorry.

-Are we going to do this now?

-I...

-No. Shush.

To atone for the murder I unwittingly ordered,

I had a shrine of Thomas built here and I'm on a pilgrimage

-to pay respect to my murdered friend.

-What a tragic story.

Did we find out who the idiot knights were?

-Anyway, I've got to be on my way.

-Just a few more questions.

-I'm tired.

-It won't take five minutes.

-I've said no.

-I'll be quick.

-Who will rid me of this troublesome reporter?

-We will!

Guys, I was joking!

Done it again.

You're fired.

To atone for his sins, Henry II was whipped my monkeys.

That should be monks, sorry.

A king being whipped my monkeys is a funnier image.

In the Middle Ages, there were ways to be pardoned for your sins.

Help is at hand.

If you want a fast, easy way to get back in the good books,

our team of pardoners are waiting to help you at Cash My Sin.

Our staff will be able to tell you how naughty you've been

and how much you have to pay to buy your pardon.

I stole this apple from My Lordship's apple tree.

It cost me just three pennies to buy my forgiveness.

Getting pardoned in the Middle Ages is easier than you think.

Our prices are simple to understand and very reasonable.

I'm jealous of my neighbour's horse.

That is the sin of envy. Two pence, please. You are forgiven.

-Have you seen my new shoes? They're great.

-That is the sin of pride.

-Another two pence, please.

-I don't have any more money.

-All right, I lied.

-Thruppence.

-What?!

-That's another two pence.

Anger is a sin as well.

-Just one shilling covers a multitude of sins.

-Great.

It's easy, it's great value

and it means you won't burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity.

It's got to be worth it.

# My chances of Heaven were looking thin

# Till I gave lots of dosh to Cash My Sin. #

In the Georgian era, Russian Tsar Peter III commanded a large army,

although you might find some of his troops to be rather surprising.

Court of Historical Law is in session.

Prosecuting today, all the way from Russia, it's Tsar Peter III.

-Actually, I'm not quite Tsar yet.

-The future Tsar Peter III.

And the accused appears to be a rat.

Are you seriously going to bring legal proceedings against a rat?

No. It will be a military hearing with a view to court martial.

-OK.

-So, Mr Rat, assuming you are a rat

and that is not an elaborate disguise...

-What would disguise itself as a rat?

-A mouse with delusions of grandeur.

-Good point.

-Mr Rat, I put it to you that on the night of May 15th,

you chewed the head off of General Balochi.

-How is that even possible?

-A question best put to my first witness.

-Please, call to the stand, Corporal Harkov.

-Call Corporal Harkov.

Did you witness the vicious head chew of Major General Balochi?

"Yes, indeed I did."

And can you identify the rat or mouse in rat's costume

anywhere here today?

"It's him. He did it!" No further questions.

-Your witness appears to be a toy figure.

-And an excellent soldier.

You found a rat chewing one of the toy soldiers

in your bedroom and you're giving it a military trial.

-Nothing less than the monster deserves.

-Do you think...?

That we should move on to sentencing? Excellent idea.

So I hereby court martial you and sentence you to hang by the neck.

-This can't get any weirder.

-Using these tiny gallows that I built.

-It could get weirder.

-You stand there, you get nice view.

He hanged a rat for chewing on his cardboard fortress

and two of his toy soldiers. I demand a retrial!

As it turned out, he only ruled as Tsar Peter III

for six months before he was assassinated.

What goes around, comes around.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, They're funny cos they're true

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, Hope next time it's not you. #

..And then they all died vomiting!

Ooh, tough crowd!

What are you two up to? Oh, well. One for the gossip columns. Next!

-And you are?

-Hannah Twynnoy, Georgian barmaid.

-Ooh, a barmaid, you say.

-Which pub did you work in?

-The White Lion in Malmesbury.

Don't know it. My local's called the King's Head's Been Chopped Off.

-So what's your story?

-In the summer, a travelling circus arrived.

-Hold the ketchup! Did you say travelling circus?

-Yeah.

I love it already! Do carry on.

The circus set up in the rear yard of the White Lion.

Did they have a white lion?

No, but they had all sorts of animals, including a tiger.

-I ain't never seen one before.

-You don't get many tigers in Malmesbury.

No, you don't. I prodded it with a sharp stick.

You do know that tigers are highly dangerous?

The circus staff did warn me, but it was such fun.

I was poking it and prodding it.

I threw things at it, I mocked it, I jabbed it.

-And?

-It got fed up and killed me.

There's a surprise! Hey, that was a big cat-astrophy!

Big cat-astrophy...

But I was the first person in Britain to be killed by a tiger.

How about this one? Stupid deaths are g-r-r-r-reat!

Like the tiger in the advert!

That joke's dated? Look who's talking.

-I love your story, you're through to the afterlife.

-Much obliged.

What is it with Mummies? No sense of humour.

# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, Hope next time it's not you. #

I cannot wait to get paid. I'm going down the taverna.

They've got an all you can eat cow's udder and pig's trotter special.

Sweet as a nut!

-Hello, Chief. You got something for me?

-Name.

-Antonius Moreilus.

-Four-month military campaign in northern Italy?

-That's the one.

-Give us the dosh.

-Here's your pay.

Don't spend it all at once, as my mother used to say.

-This isn't money. This is salt.

-Well, obviously.

I was expecting to get paid in coins. The Romans are famous for it.

Paying our soldiers in salt is quite standard.

Hence the term salary, from the Latin for salt.

What am I supposed to buy with a bag of salt? Pepper?!

Pepper, cow's udders... You can swap it for anything you want.

Merchants are happy to exchange goods for anything of an equivalent value.

All right. At least I'll have something to put on my meat.

Join the army, they say. It's a great career, they say.

Paid in salt, they didn't mention. This sack's getting lighter.

As the Roman Empire grew, we needed more and more troops.

We made our army compulsory.

Some people would go to surprising lengths to avoid military service.

-Hello.

-Antonius Polex?

-Maybe. Who's asking?

I am a recruitment officer from the Roman army.

You have been selected to join the army for at least ten years.

-I'm being conscripted?

-Yes, you are. Congratulations, Legionary Polex.

I'd like nothing better than to spend the next ten years

fighting in some god forsaken corner of the Republic,

but unfortunately, no thumbs.

-Oh, that is a shame.

-I know.

I accidentally chopped them off in a kitchen accident.

Totally useless. I can't even hold a spear or a sword, look.

-Well, how could you?

-Waste of time. I'm gutted, honestly.

-Bet you are.

This is the third time this has happened today.

-Everyone's accidentally cutting their thumbs off.

-You're joking.

It's like people are deliberately

cutting their thumbs off in order to avoid joining.

-No way. Who would do something like that?

-You tell me, Tony.

We've decided that from now on, anyone who deliberately

accidentally cuts off their thumbs will get some more injuries.

-Really?

-Yeah, some more serious ones.

-Oh, yeah?

-What were you saying about your thumbs?

-Look! They're back!

There they are! I couldn't see them. That happens sometimes.

-Welcome to the Roman army.

-Thanks. I'm looking forward to it.

Grab him, Marcus.

Yes, the Gauls were very superstitious.

Accept our sacrifice, god of thunder. Keep the sky from falling upon us.

Shouldn't we sacrifice him to Esus, the god of war,

to ensure victory in battle? Or better Teutates, god of our tribe.

We've got too many gods. It's impossible to choose.

I don't care, as long as I don't have to listen to him.

Show mercy. At least cut my ears off.

-Hello and welcome to the Early Show. I'm Early Man.

-And I'm Early Woman.

Coming up later, we'll have our regular interior design feature.

We'll show you how to make your cave look less bare with these

charming bear skulls.

An we'll be showing you a handy technique for using your hand

to paint prints on your cave walls.

Have you ever looked at a wolf and thought, "He just needs a cuddle"?

-Our next guest has.

-We're lucky enough to have with us Geoff,

who has been trying to domesticate wolves.

Let's have a look at him in action.

Sit, no. Bad wolf. No. No!

THEY GROWL

No!

-Please welcome Geoff.

-Hi.

-Geoff, how has it been going?

-Not great, if I'm honest.

-Wolves don't really want to be domesticated.

-Who'd have thought!

-How exactly does the domestication programme work?

-Or rather, not work!

The plan is to convince the wolves I'm their pack leader.

-Rather than their food.

-I will pair off the least aggressive wolves,

who will produce less aggressive wolves and repeat that cycle

until the aggressive streak is bred out of wolves entirely.

-How long will this take?

-Quite a while.

Geoff, what is the point in domesticating wolves?

They'll be able to help you when hunting, warn you of danger.

If you throw a stick, they will bring it back.

-If you want the stick, why throw it away?

-I don't know.

I believe domesticated wolves will become man's best friend.

Have you thought of a name for these wolves?

-Yes, I call them Geoffs.

-How about D-O-Gs?

-Dogs, it could work.

As in Devours Over-Optimistic Geoff!

-That would be "doogs" because of the hyphen.

-Listen, mate...

Coming up, our cookery show. I'll be eating a bear's stomach.

And I'll be bringing up the contents of my stomach.

Humans really did domesticate wolves in the Stone Age.

Dogs are descended from wolves.

Hard to believe when you look at a Chihuahua.

Stone Agers used their domesticated wolves to help them hunt.

They needed more than dogs to bring down a woolly mammoth.

-Where other caveman?

-Others hunt.

-What hunt for?

-Mammoth.

-Mammoth big.

Mammoth strong.

-Not want to get too close to mammoth. Throw spear.

-Throw spear no good.

Fur too thick. But caveman clever. Hunt as team.

-Oh!

-Clever caveman frighten mammoth. Chase mammoth off cliff.

Mammoth fall, mammoth die!

-Stupid mammoth!

-Stupid mammoth! Clever caveman.

-Which cliff did the caveman use?

-Erm...

Urgh. Stupid caveman.

One of the most memorable events of Queen Victoria's reign was the

Great Exhibition, which she opened with her husband, Albert, in 1851.

Good day.

Is it true the exhibition includes the world's largest diamond?

Indeed. The Koh-I-Nor, the most beautiful thing you'll ever see.

Unless of course you're looking into a mirror!

Wait until you see the tempest prognosticator,

-a barometer that predicts the weather.

-So sophisticated.

-Using leeches.

-Don't blind me with science.

And the latest in tasty treats. Ice cream and fizzy drinks.

-And a flushing toilet.

-Not in the same room!

I must say, Mr Cole, your exhibition looks great.

-A truly great exhibition. You should name it as such.

-Yes, Ma'am. We did.

-It is settled. It is rather noisy though.

-Yes.

The problem with building our Crystal Palace in a park

is the local sparrows. It has caused issues, such as noise and...

-SHE SCREAMS

-I need not finish that sentence.

-Remove the sparrows.

-We've tried, Your Majesty. The roof is too high.

-Constable, shoot them.

-Stop.

The Crystal Palace is built from 900,000 square feet of glass.

Could you imagine anything worse than being covered in broken glass?

Right at this moment, yes!

-I might have a solution.

-Duke of Wellington, what would you suggest?

I'd release a couple of sparrow hawks in here.

-They'd take care of this infestation.

-Then it's settled.

Wellington, release your sparrow hawks before I'm covered...

I don't know what's worse. The mess or the constant interruptions!

-What are you waiting for?

-Release the sparrow hawks.

It seems Wellington's hawks have solved your little problem.

-Indeed.

-Another excellent idea.

-There is one problem.

-What's that?

-They're much bigger.

SHE SCREAMS Incredible aim though.

It's true.

At the Great Exhibition, they used hawks to get rid of the sparrows.

I imagine any rats also got out of there, like a rat up a drainpipe.

The exhibition helped make Prince Albert popular.

Until then, people hadn't liked him. Apart from Victoria, of course.

# For 40 years, I ruled alone

# Shed all those tears while on the throne

# What got me through the pain and hurt

# Was clinging to the memory of Albert

# I loved her so, my darling Vicky

# So much, you know almost made me sicky

# I was not liked in your country

# But who cares when I had her love for me

# Her love for me

# Oh, V and A, oh, A and V

# Each way still spells L-O-V-E

# Oh, A and V, oh, V and A

# They'll name a building after us one day

# In love from our first rendezvous

# As Queen, had to propose to you

# You were my rock in a crisis

# Like when someone tried to shoot you but they missed

# We were a real celebrity pair

-# Was first Queen Vic

-First Albert

-Square

# The press watched every smile and flirt

# Called us Alboria, but I preferred Vicbert

# You can call me Al!

# Oh, Bert and Vic, oh, Vic and Bert

# Nine kids, great family advert

# Oh, Vic and Bert, oh, Bert and Vic

# Yet I found babies ugly, ironic

Urgh, my eyes!

# We set trends, started new traditions

# Christmas trees, wearing tartan with style

# Albert backed the Great Exhibition

# Which made Great Britain Albert-o-phile

At last!

# Oh, Vic and Al, oh, Al and Vic

# You showed our kids love with your stick

# Oh, Al and Vic, Oh Vic and Al

# Ours was a truly grand affair royale

# Then Albert died, which left just me

# Just V, no A, no A, just V

# Oh, how I mourned my special pal

# I loved you, Vic

# I loved you, Al. #

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you the fearsome facts... #

If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD BC Time Tour Music Game?

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #