Episode 6 Horrible Histories


Episode 6

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights, Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, Savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Christopher Columbus was one of the world's greatest explorers,

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but sometimes he got a little confused.

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"Captain's Log October 12th 1492.

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"I, Christopher Columbus, am heading westwards on my ship,

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"the Santa Maria.

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"It is over two months since we set sail from Spain

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-"and still no sign of land."

-Land ahoy!

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-Land ahoy, Captain! Land ahoy! I...

-OK, get your breath back.

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I spotted it. I should claim the king's reward.

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-The king's reward is rightfully yours.

-Thank you.

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-Unless someone else spotted land last night.

-What?

-Me, for instance.

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I don't see how you would have seen it, given that it's over there.

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Let's see what the Captain's Log says when we get back to Spain.

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Don't. The important thing is my mission is complete.

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I, Captain Christopher Columbus,

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-have discovered a whole new passage to India.

-India?

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They said it was impossible to sail due west from Spain to India.

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-It still is.

-Another doubter. I suppose you think the Earth is flat!

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-No, I know what shape the Earth is, Captain.

-Good. It's pear shaped.

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-This trip is pear shaped. The Earth is a sphere.

-Not according my map.

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This must be right. It got us all the way to India.

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I'm quite an experienced sailor. We haven't arrived in India.

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-We went uphill from Spain.

-Uphill?

-Yeah.

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Over the brow of the pear,

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past the Canary Islands where we saw those mermaids.

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-You mean sea cows.

-They weren't the best looking, but that's harsh.

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-And all the way round until... Hola India! Hola India!

-Captain...

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-I say hola, you say India. Hola.

-India.

-Hola.

-India. No.

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-Can't you admit you're wrong?

-Never!

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I am Captain Christopher Columbus, the finest sailor and navigator.

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If I go looking for India, India is what I find. Good day.

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-Door?

-It's there.

-I know that. It's my cabin.

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That's all true. Christopher Columbus never landed in America.

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He'd discovered the islands known as the West Indies,

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so called because Columbus believed he'd reached the west of India.

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The rat knows all. Unlike Columbus.

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The person who really discovered America was this fella.

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I'm here to pitch the movie of my discovery of America.

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Thank you for coming in, Mr Columbus. Take a seat.

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I think you have me confused with someone else. I'm Leif Ericsson.

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-Must be a nickname.

-Mine's Bubbles.

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-Is Leif Ericsson short for Christopher Columbus?

-No.

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-It's long for Leif Ericsson.

-Columbus discovered America.

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-Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

-He took with him honey and money,

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-wrapped in a five pound note.

-Owl and the Pussycat.

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-Talking animals. Get Antonio Banderas and Eddie Murphy.

-Eddie Murphy!

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What do you mean, 1492? I discovered America in 1002.

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-You say you discovered it before Columbus?

-Is this a fantasy?

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-Are you Conan the Barbarian?

-No. I'm Leif Ericsson.

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Us Vikings went to America 500 years before this Columbus!

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-You're a Viking!

-That explains the fur.

-Not cool. I've got a mink.

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If you're a Viking, how come your helmet doesn't have horns?

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-Viking helmets don't have horns.

-OK, no problem.

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-This is a massive problem.

-Do you want to make my movie?

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-It's no from me.

-Nnnn-ggg.

-It's three noes.

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-Christopher Columbusson, you're sailing home.

-Nice one.

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This is an epic saga. The Viking warriors who sailed

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their longboats to find a new continent.

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-This meeting's a saga.

-Nice one.

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Everyone thinks someone else discovered America.

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-We cannot have you pillaging our history.

-A Thor loser!

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I've had enough of this.

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-Overreaction.

-Anyone would think he's the first Viking to get axed!

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I don't get it.

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Welcome to beautiful Canterbury,

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which is today readying itself for a royal visit from King Henry II.

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We have been told King Henry plans to visit the city's cathedral.

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The royal party should be making its way down this street any minute now.

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It seems like a tramp has wandered onto the king's parade route.

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-You need to clear off.

-What?

-The king is coming.

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-I am the king, you fool!

-Oh, my goodness!

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Your Majesty, is this an initiative to make the royal family

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seem more down to earth?

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-You might have taken it too far.

-I did come all the way from London.

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-You walked from London?

-Not all the way. I got a lift.

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But I did walk the last couple of miles in barefoot.

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-Why?

-As penance, I have done a terrible thing.

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If you include what I did on the roadside, two terrible things.

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What was the other terrible thing?

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I appointed my pal Thomas Becket as Archbishop of Canterbury

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to sort out my church problems. A man on the inside.

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-Sounds like a clever plan.

-It wasn't. He started getting all religious

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and turned out to be a royal pain in the royal backside.

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I got angry with him. I have these idiot knights... Here they are.

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-Sorry. Got lost on the ring road.

-There isn't a ring road.

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-That's why we got lost.

-These must be the idiot knights. No offence.

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We get it all the time.

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I got in a mood with Thomas Becket and said,

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"Who will rid me of this troublesome priest?" And guess what they did.

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-THEY MUTTER

-Speak up.

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-ALL:

-Beat him to death.

-I asked them to put the frighteners on him.

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But they beat him to death on the altar of Canterbury Cathedral,

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the holiest place in England.

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-I said I'm sorry.

-Are we going to do this now?

-I...

-No. Shush.

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To atone for the murder I unwittingly ordered,

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I had a shrine of Thomas built here and I'm on a pilgrimage

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-to pay respect to my murdered friend.

-What a tragic story.

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Did we find out who the idiot knights were?

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-Anyway, I've got to be on my way.

-Just a few more questions.

-I'm tired.

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-It won't take five minutes.

-I've said no.

-I'll be quick.

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-Who will rid me of this troublesome reporter?

-We will!

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Guys, I was joking!

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Done it again.

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You're fired.

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To atone for his sins, Henry II was whipped my monkeys.

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That should be monks, sorry.

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A king being whipped my monkeys is a funnier image.

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In the Middle Ages, there were ways to be pardoned for your sins.

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Help is at hand.

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If you want a fast, easy way to get back in the good books,

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our team of pardoners are waiting to help you at Cash My Sin.

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Our staff will be able to tell you how naughty you've been

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and how much you have to pay to buy your pardon.

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I stole this apple from My Lordship's apple tree.

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It cost me just three pennies to buy my forgiveness.

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Getting pardoned in the Middle Ages is easier than you think.

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Our prices are simple to understand and very reasonable.

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I'm jealous of my neighbour's horse.

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That is the sin of envy. Two pence, please. You are forgiven.

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-Have you seen my new shoes? They're great.

-That is the sin of pride.

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-Another two pence, please.

-I don't have any more money.

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-All right, I lied.

-Thruppence.

-What?!

-That's another two pence.

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Anger is a sin as well.

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-Just one shilling covers a multitude of sins.

-Great.

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It's easy, it's great value

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and it means you won't burn in the fires of Hell for all eternity.

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It's got to be worth it.

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# My chances of Heaven were looking thin

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# Till I gave lots of dosh to Cash My Sin. #

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In the Georgian era, Russian Tsar Peter III commanded a large army,

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although you might find some of his troops to be rather surprising.

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Court of Historical Law is in session.

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Prosecuting today, all the way from Russia, it's Tsar Peter III.

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-Actually, I'm not quite Tsar yet.

-The future Tsar Peter III.

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And the accused appears to be a rat.

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Are you seriously going to bring legal proceedings against a rat?

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No. It will be a military hearing with a view to court martial.

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-OK.

-So, Mr Rat, assuming you are a rat

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and that is not an elaborate disguise...

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-What would disguise itself as a rat?

-A mouse with delusions of grandeur.

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-Good point.

-Mr Rat, I put it to you that on the night of May 15th,

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you chewed the head off of General Balochi.

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-How is that even possible?

-A question best put to my first witness.

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-Please, call to the stand, Corporal Harkov.

-Call Corporal Harkov.

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Did you witness the vicious head chew of Major General Balochi?

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"Yes, indeed I did."

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And can you identify the rat or mouse in rat's costume

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anywhere here today?

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"It's him. He did it!" No further questions.

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-Your witness appears to be a toy figure.

-And an excellent soldier.

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You found a rat chewing one of the toy soldiers

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in your bedroom and you're giving it a military trial.

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-Nothing less than the monster deserves.

-Do you think...?

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That we should move on to sentencing? Excellent idea.

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So I hereby court martial you and sentence you to hang by the neck.

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-This can't get any weirder.

-Using these tiny gallows that I built.

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-It could get weirder.

-You stand there, you get nice view.

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He hanged a rat for chewing on his cardboard fortress

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and two of his toy soldiers. I demand a retrial!

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As it turned out, he only ruled as Tsar Peter III

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for six months before he was assassinated.

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What goes around, comes around.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, They're funny cos they're true

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, Hope next time it's not you. #

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..And then they all died vomiting!

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Ooh, tough crowd!

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What are you two up to? Oh, well. One for the gossip columns. Next!

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-And you are?

-Hannah Twynnoy, Georgian barmaid.

-Ooh, a barmaid, you say.

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-Which pub did you work in?

-The White Lion in Malmesbury.

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Don't know it. My local's called the King's Head's Been Chopped Off.

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-So what's your story?

-In the summer, a travelling circus arrived.

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-Hold the ketchup! Did you say travelling circus?

-Yeah.

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I love it already! Do carry on.

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The circus set up in the rear yard of the White Lion.

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Did they have a white lion?

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No, but they had all sorts of animals, including a tiger.

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-I ain't never seen one before.

-You don't get many tigers in Malmesbury.

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No, you don't. I prodded it with a sharp stick.

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You do know that tigers are highly dangerous?

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The circus staff did warn me, but it was such fun.

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I was poking it and prodding it.

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I threw things at it, I mocked it, I jabbed it.

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-And?

-It got fed up and killed me.

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There's a surprise! Hey, that was a big cat-astrophy!

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Big cat-astrophy...

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But I was the first person in Britain to be killed by a tiger.

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How about this one? Stupid deaths are g-r-r-r-reat!

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Like the tiger in the advert!

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That joke's dated? Look who's talking.

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-I love your story, you're through to the afterlife.

-Much obliged.

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What is it with Mummies? No sense of humour.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths, Hope next time it's not you. #

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I cannot wait to get paid. I'm going down the taverna.

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They've got an all you can eat cow's udder and pig's trotter special.

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Sweet as a nut!

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-Hello, Chief. You got something for me?

-Name.

-Antonius Moreilus.

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-Four-month military campaign in northern Italy?

-That's the one.

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-Give us the dosh.

-Here's your pay.

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Don't spend it all at once, as my mother used to say.

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-This isn't money. This is salt.

-Well, obviously.

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I was expecting to get paid in coins. The Romans are famous for it.

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Paying our soldiers in salt is quite standard.

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Hence the term salary, from the Latin for salt.

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What am I supposed to buy with a bag of salt? Pepper?!

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Pepper, cow's udders... You can swap it for anything you want.

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Merchants are happy to exchange goods for anything of an equivalent value.

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All right. At least I'll have something to put on my meat.

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Join the army, they say. It's a great career, they say.

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Paid in salt, they didn't mention. This sack's getting lighter.

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As the Roman Empire grew, we needed more and more troops.

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We made our army compulsory.

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Some people would go to surprising lengths to avoid military service.

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-Hello.

-Antonius Polex?

-Maybe. Who's asking?

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I am a recruitment officer from the Roman army.

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You have been selected to join the army for at least ten years.

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-I'm being conscripted?

-Yes, you are. Congratulations, Legionary Polex.

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I'd like nothing better than to spend the next ten years

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fighting in some god forsaken corner of the Republic,

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but unfortunately, no thumbs.

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-Oh, that is a shame.

-I know.

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I accidentally chopped them off in a kitchen accident.

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Totally useless. I can't even hold a spear or a sword, look.

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-Well, how could you?

-Waste of time. I'm gutted, honestly.

-Bet you are.

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This is the third time this has happened today.

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-Everyone's accidentally cutting their thumbs off.

-You're joking.

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It's like people are deliberately

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cutting their thumbs off in order to avoid joining.

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-No way. Who would do something like that?

-You tell me, Tony.

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We've decided that from now on, anyone who deliberately

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accidentally cuts off their thumbs will get some more injuries.

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-Really?

-Yeah, some more serious ones.

-Oh, yeah?

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-What were you saying about your thumbs?

-Look! They're back!

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There they are! I couldn't see them. That happens sometimes.

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-Welcome to the Roman army.

-Thanks. I'm looking forward to it.

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Grab him, Marcus.

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Yes, the Gauls were very superstitious.

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Accept our sacrifice, god of thunder. Keep the sky from falling upon us.

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Shouldn't we sacrifice him to Esus, the god of war,

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to ensure victory in battle? Or better Teutates, god of our tribe.

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We've got too many gods. It's impossible to choose.

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I don't care, as long as I don't have to listen to him.

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Show mercy. At least cut my ears off.

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-Hello and welcome to the Early Show. I'm Early Man.

-And I'm Early Woman.

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Coming up later, we'll have our regular interior design feature.

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We'll show you how to make your cave look less bare with these

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charming bear skulls.

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An we'll be showing you a handy technique for using your hand

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to paint prints on your cave walls.

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Have you ever looked at a wolf and thought, "He just needs a cuddle"?

0:19:380:19:43

-Our next guest has.

-We're lucky enough to have with us Geoff,

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who has been trying to domesticate wolves.

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Let's have a look at him in action.

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Sit, no. Bad wolf. No. No!

0:19:550:19:59

THEY GROWL

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No!

0:20:010:20:03

-Please welcome Geoff.

-Hi.

0:20:040:20:06

-Geoff, how has it been going?

-Not great, if I'm honest.

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-Wolves don't really want to be domesticated.

-Who'd have thought!

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-How exactly does the domestication programme work?

-Or rather, not work!

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The plan is to convince the wolves I'm their pack leader.

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-Rather than their food.

-I will pair off the least aggressive wolves,

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who will produce less aggressive wolves and repeat that cycle

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until the aggressive streak is bred out of wolves entirely.

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-How long will this take?

-Quite a while.

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Geoff, what is the point in domesticating wolves?

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They'll be able to help you when hunting, warn you of danger.

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If you throw a stick, they will bring it back.

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-If you want the stick, why throw it away?

-I don't know.

0:20:550:21:00

I believe domesticated wolves will become man's best friend.

0:21:000:21:06

Have you thought of a name for these wolves?

0:21:060:21:10

-Yes, I call them Geoffs.

-How about D-O-Gs?

-Dogs, it could work.

0:21:100:21:15

As in Devours Over-Optimistic Geoff!

0:21:150:21:18

-That would be "doogs" because of the hyphen.

-Listen, mate...

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Coming up, our cookery show. I'll be eating a bear's stomach.

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And I'll be bringing up the contents of my stomach.

0:21:260:21:30

Humans really did domesticate wolves in the Stone Age.

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Dogs are descended from wolves.

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Hard to believe when you look at a Chihuahua.

0:21:360:21:40

Stone Agers used their domesticated wolves to help them hunt.

0:21:400:21:44

They needed more than dogs to bring down a woolly mammoth.

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-Where other caveman?

-Others hunt.

-What hunt for?

-Mammoth.

-Mammoth big.

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Mammoth strong.

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-Not want to get too close to mammoth. Throw spear.

-Throw spear no good.

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Fur too thick. But caveman clever. Hunt as team.

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-Oh!

-Clever caveman frighten mammoth. Chase mammoth off cliff.

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Mammoth fall, mammoth die!

0:22:150:22:18

-Stupid mammoth!

-Stupid mammoth! Clever caveman.

0:22:180:22:22

-Which cliff did the caveman use?

-Erm...

0:22:220:22:26

Urgh. Stupid caveman.

0:22:260:22:29

One of the most memorable events of Queen Victoria's reign was the

0:22:340:22:38

Great Exhibition, which she opened with her husband, Albert, in 1851.

0:22:380:22:43

Good day.

0:22:430:22:44

Is it true the exhibition includes the world's largest diamond?

0:22:440:22:49

Indeed. The Koh-I-Nor, the most beautiful thing you'll ever see.

0:22:490:22:53

Unless of course you're looking into a mirror!

0:22:530:22:56

Wait until you see the tempest prognosticator,

0:22:560:22:59

-a barometer that predicts the weather.

-So sophisticated.

0:22:590:23:03

-Using leeches.

-Don't blind me with science.

0:23:030:23:05

And the latest in tasty treats. Ice cream and fizzy drinks.

0:23:050:23:09

-And a flushing toilet.

-Not in the same room!

0:23:090:23:13

I must say, Mr Cole, your exhibition looks great.

0:23:130:23:17

-A truly great exhibition. You should name it as such.

-Yes, Ma'am. We did.

0:23:170:23:24

-It is settled. It is rather noisy though.

-Yes.

0:23:240:23:27

The problem with building our Crystal Palace in a park

0:23:270:23:33

is the local sparrows. It has caused issues, such as noise and...

0:23:330:23:38

-SHE SCREAMS

-I need not finish that sentence.

0:23:380:23:41

-Remove the sparrows.

-We've tried, Your Majesty. The roof is too high.

0:23:410:23:46

-Constable, shoot them.

-Stop.

0:23:460:23:49

The Crystal Palace is built from 900,000 square feet of glass.

0:23:490:23:53

Could you imagine anything worse than being covered in broken glass?

0:23:530:23:57

Right at this moment, yes!

0:23:570:23:59

-I might have a solution.

-Duke of Wellington, what would you suggest?

0:23:590:24:05

I'd release a couple of sparrow hawks in here.

0:24:050:24:10

-They'd take care of this infestation.

-Then it's settled.

0:24:100:24:15

Wellington, release your sparrow hawks before I'm covered...

0:24:150:24:20

I don't know what's worse. The mess or the constant interruptions!

0:24:200:24:26

-What are you waiting for?

-Release the sparrow hawks.

0:24:260:24:30

It seems Wellington's hawks have solved your little problem.

0:24:320:24:35

-Indeed.

-Another excellent idea.

0:24:350:24:39

-There is one problem.

-What's that?

-They're much bigger.

0:24:390:24:43

SHE SCREAMS Incredible aim though.

0:24:430:24:47

It's true.

0:24:490:24:52

At the Great Exhibition, they used hawks to get rid of the sparrows.

0:24:520:24:56

I imagine any rats also got out of there, like a rat up a drainpipe.

0:24:560:25:00

The exhibition helped make Prince Albert popular.

0:25:000:25:05

Until then, people hadn't liked him. Apart from Victoria, of course.

0:25:050:25:09

# For 40 years, I ruled alone

0:25:160:25:19

# Shed all those tears while on the throne

0:25:190:25:23

# What got me through the pain and hurt

0:25:230:25:26

# Was clinging to the memory of Albert

0:25:260:25:29

# I loved her so, my darling Vicky

0:25:290:25:32

# So much, you know almost made me sicky

0:25:320:25:36

# I was not liked in your country

0:25:360:25:39

# But who cares when I had her love for me

0:25:390:25:42

# Her love for me

0:25:440:25:46

# Oh, V and A, oh, A and V

0:25:480:25:51

# Each way still spells L-O-V-E

0:25:510:25:54

# Oh, A and V, oh, V and A

0:25:540:25:58

# They'll name a building after us one day

0:25:580:26:03

# In love from our first rendezvous

0:26:080:26:11

# As Queen, had to propose to you

0:26:110:26:14

# You were my rock in a crisis

0:26:140:26:17

# Like when someone tried to shoot you but they missed

0:26:170:26:21

# We were a real celebrity pair

0:26:210:26:25

-# Was first Queen Vic

-First Albert

-Square

0:26:250:26:28

# The press watched every smile and flirt

0:26:280:26:32

# Called us Alboria, but I preferred Vicbert

0:26:320:26:36

# You can call me Al!

0:26:360:26:40

# Oh, Bert and Vic, oh, Vic and Bert

0:26:400:26:43

# Nine kids, great family advert

0:26:430:26:47

# Oh, Vic and Bert, oh, Bert and Vic

0:26:470:26:49

# Yet I found babies ugly, ironic

0:26:490:26:54

Urgh, my eyes!

0:26:540:26:57

# We set trends, started new traditions

0:26:590:27:02

# Christmas trees, wearing tartan with style

0:27:020:27:05

# Albert backed the Great Exhibition

0:27:050:27:09

# Which made Great Britain Albert-o-phile

0:27:090:27:14

At last!

0:27:140:27:15

# Oh, Vic and Al, oh, Al and Vic

0:27:150:27:18

# You showed our kids love with your stick

0:27:180:27:22

# Oh, Al and Vic, Oh Vic and Al

0:27:220:27:25

# Ours was a truly grand affair royale

0:27:250:27:29

# Then Albert died, which left just me

0:27:340:27:38

# Just V, no A, no A, just V

0:27:380:27:42

# Oh, how I mourned my special pal

0:27:420:27:46

# I loved you, Vic

0:27:460:27:47

# I loved you, Al. #

0:27:470:27:50

# Tall tales, atrocious acts We gave you the fearsome facts... #

0:27:550:27:57

If you enjoyed that, why not play the new AD BC Time Tour Music Game?

0:27:570:28:03

Go to the CBBC website and click on Horrible Histories. Rock on!

0:28:030:28:08

# Hope you enjoyed... Horrible Histories. #

0:28:080:28:13

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