Browse content similar to Episode 7. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights | 0:00:04 | 0:00:07 | |
# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians | 0:00:07 | 0:00:10 | |
# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times | 0:00:10 | 0:00:12 | |
# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
# Gory stories, we do that | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
# And your host, a talking rat | 0:00:20 | 0:00:22 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to... # | 0:00:22 | 0:00:26 | |
In 1812, the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte, | 0:00:36 | 0:00:40 | |
assembled a 600,000 strong army and invaded Russia, | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
but only one in five of his soldiers survived. | 0:00:44 | 0:00:48 | |
Bonjour! | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
If you are watching this, then you must have joined the French Army. | 0:00:51 | 0:00:54 | |
Vive Napoleon! Supercool. | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
Watch carefully, this survival guide | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
might just save your life, mon frere. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
In the French Army, you have to march up to 40 miles a day. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:06 | |
That's right, 40 miles a day! Zut alors! | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
And we all know what that means - blisters! Big time! | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
But don't worry, there is a solution. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:14 | |
Simply drop an egg into each of your boots. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
Warning! Will not work on boots with holes. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
Food can run short, | 0:01:21 | 0:01:23 | |
especially if you're on the long march | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
through the miserable Russian winter. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:27 | |
I wish I had not dropped those eggs into my boots now. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:29 | |
I'm so hungry I could eat an horse. | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Well, that's good news, | 0:01:31 | 0:01:32 | |
because that's what you will be eating. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:34 | |
If a cavalry horse dies, | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
you will have to eat it just to survive. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
In the smoke of battle, it is easy for the soldiers in the front ranks | 0:01:39 | 0:01:42 | |
to be shot by the ranks behind them. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
One quarter of all casualties in the French Army | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
are shot by their own side. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Not cool! | 0:01:50 | 0:01:51 | |
Ai, ai, ai! | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Mon derriere! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Your best plan is to stand in the back row. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
Oh, now he tells me! | 0:01:57 | 0:01:59 | |
Ai, ai, ai! | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
And, finally, Tip Quatre. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:02 | |
If you want to guarantee your survival in the French Army, | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
simply pay someone to take your place. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
Et voila! | 0:02:07 | 0:02:08 | |
Now, if anyone asks, your name is Benoit, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
you're 32 years old and you're in charge. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
You never saw that, right?! | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
During his lifetime, Napoleon Bonaparte | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
came up against some formidable opponents, | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
but none as unusual as the one he faced in 1809. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:30 | |
Well, you join us here in Vienna | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
at the climax | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
of this thrilling encounter | 0:02:36 | 0:02:37 | |
between keen chess player | 0:02:37 | 0:02:38 | |
and part-time military genius, | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
Napoleon Bonaparte, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
and the extraordinary chess playing robot known as The Mechanical Turk. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:47 | |
Yes indeed, Stan. Dramatic scenes here as Napoleon's really | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
being tested by this strange machine. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Question on everyone's lips, how does it work? | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
And it's the French General's move. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
You play a fine game, my mechanical friend. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
But I fear you have met your match. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
There. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:07 | |
The Mechanical Turk's face is giving nothing away, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
largely because it doesn't move. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
I can't see you getting out of this one. | 0:03:12 | 0:03:14 | |
And if I'm not much mistaken, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
that is checkmate. | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
He's done it! | 0:03:23 | 0:03:24 | |
The Mechanical Turk has beaten the French Emperor, | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
causing shockwaves here in Vienna. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
What? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:30 | |
No! How did you? | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
No, he's not very happy about that. He's stormed off. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
The Mechanical Turk has the form | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
of a chess Grandmaster. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:39 | |
Well, Stan, that's probably because | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
there actually is a chess Grandmaster hidden inside it. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
Ssh! It's our little secret. | 0:03:44 | 0:03:47 | |
Oh, my word! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Ha-ha! That's right! | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
The machine actually concealed a chess Grandmaster | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
and fooled people for over 50 years. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
Napoleon hated losing, which was a shame, | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
because he was really rather good at it. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
His final defeat was in a battle you might just have heard of. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:06 | |
Starring Napoleon Bonaparte | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
as the Emperor of France, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
The King of Italy, | 0:04:15 | 0:04:16 | |
the Protector of the Rhine, | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
and all the other things | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
he called himself. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:19 | |
What? I like titles. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
Waterloo, the story of how the little military genius from Corsica... | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
Hey, hey, hey, less of the little, OK? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
I am actually average height for my era. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:29 | |
Took on the combined might of the British and Prussian forces. | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
The Prussians have arrived? Well, no-one told me. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:35 | |
Witness for yourselves one of the bloodiest battles | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
of the Napoleonic wars. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:38 | |
I wish I could, I cannot see a thing, | 0:04:38 | 0:04:41 | |
and it is not because I am short. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:42 | |
And learn for the very first time, | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
the real reason for Napoleon's defeat. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:47 | |
General, what are your orders? | 0:04:47 | 0:04:48 | |
I don't know, I can't see anything. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Perhaps if his Excellency were to climb upon his horse, | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
he might get a better view of the battlefield. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
I cannot. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
I can give you a bunk up if you... | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
No, it is not because I am short. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
It is... Well... | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Piles? Piles of what? | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
Look, I have a problem with my bum bum, very painful. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
If I sit on my horse, it will be agony. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
In fact, I think I am going to have to have a lie down. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
But, sir, without your tactical brilliance, | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
we will be easily defeated. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
The Prussians are attacking our rear. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
Must you mention rear! | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Waterloo! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
The story of how a great military leader's career came to an end. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
Oh, please don't mention ends. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
Thanks to a sore bottom. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
And definitely do not mention bottoms. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
Coming to a muddy field near Brussels, on Sunday 18th June, 1815. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
How long is the film? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
About three hours. | 0:05:36 | 0:05:37 | |
-Three hours? -Yeah. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:38 | |
I'm never going to be able to sit through that. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
Argh, the pain, the pain, the pain. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
To us well-to-do Victorians, | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
it really was very important to keep up with the ever-changing fashions. | 0:05:49 | 0:05:54 | |
Good day! | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
Well, I must say, Gertrude, you're looking most well. | 0:05:56 | 0:06:00 | |
Thank you, my dear, and you are looking unnaturally wide. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
Thank you. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:05 | |
In fact, you're looking very weirdly shaped indeed. | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Oh, Gertrude, you are such a country bumpkin. | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
It's just the cut of the dress. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:13 | |
It's the very height of Victorian fashion. | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
-Seriously? -Absolutely. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
Pulled in as tight as possible at the waist, with a corset, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
and then worn as wide as you dare at the bottom, | 0:06:21 | 0:06:23 | |
to accentuate one's womanly curves. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
I see. Well, it's very... Yes. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:30 | |
Shall we make ourselves comfortable? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:34 | |
Well, that might be tricky. | 0:06:34 | 0:06:35 | |
My dear, your staff appear to have accidentally placed | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
all of your furniture into one room. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
Oh, silly, silly Gertrude. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:43 | |
You're showing yourself up again, dear. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
The more fancy furniture you have, | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
the more lovely things you can display on them. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Whatever for? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:51 | |
To show off how rich you are, of course. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
Take this beautiful vase for example. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
Ooh! Oh! Aah! | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Oh! Well, I suppose that's the high price of fashion. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:09 | |
At least, I didn't break my priceless 16th century vase. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:14 | |
Oh. | 0:07:14 | 0:07:16 | |
Ooh, Gertrude, I am feeling terribly faint. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
Oh, my dear. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:20 | |
This corset is very tight, it's very tight indeed. Ooh. | 0:07:20 | 0:07:24 | |
Well, I love what you've done with the place. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:29 | |
It's true! | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Yes, they didn't always think things through in Victorian times. | 0:07:47 | 0:07:51 | |
Sir Henry Bessemer was a great Victorian inventor, | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
who used to get horribly seasick. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
I feel dizzy. I think I'm going to be sick. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:04 | |
Gangway! Urgh! | 0:08:04 | 0:08:06 | |
So he decided to invent a special ship | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
that wouldn't make anyone seasick. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:11 | |
He called his ship The Bessemer. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
Built in 1875, it was fitted with a remarkable machine, | 0:08:14 | 0:08:17 | |
which made the deck stay perfectly level during the voyage, | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
no matter how much the sea went up and down. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:24 | |
That is marvellous! Simply marvellous! | 0:08:24 | 0:08:26 | |
On The Bessemer's maiden crossing | 0:08:26 | 0:08:28 | |
from Britain to France, | 0:08:28 | 0:08:29 | |
the journey was so smooth | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
that nobody felt sick. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
It was an immense success, but there was just one small problem. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:37 | |
Henry had paid more attention | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
to his anti-sickness engine, | 0:08:39 | 0:08:40 | |
than to the steering. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
The ship was almost impossible to turn. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
It arrived in France with a loud... | 0:08:45 | 0:08:47 | |
CRASH! | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
Smashing right into the pier at Calais. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
I feel dizzy, I think I'm going to be sick again. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:54 | |
Uh, bring a mop and bucket s'il vous plait. Ooh. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:57 | |
The Emperor of Rome's personal security was called | 0:09:02 | 0:09:06 | |
the Praetorian Guard, | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
but they couldn't always be trusted to keep him safe. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
Praetorian Guards, we are sworn to keep the Emperor safe | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
and safe he shall stay. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
-Is that clear? -Hoo haa! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
I didn't get a hoo haa from you. | 0:09:19 | 0:09:20 | |
-Hoo Haa. -That's better. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Last year was a very bad year, Emperor Nero died on our watch. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:27 | |
But that's in the past. | 0:09:27 | 0:09:28 | |
This year we start again, clean sheet, | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
or should I say clean toga, ha, ha. That was a joke, calm down. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
No more dead emperors, are you with me? | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
Hoo haa! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Hoo haa, sorry. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
Hail, Galba, Emperor of Rome this year and for many years to come. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
Hail, Galba! | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-Hoo Haa. -Not this time! | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
Right, slight change of plan, exactly what I said before, | 0:09:49 | 0:09:52 | |
protect the Emperor. | 0:09:52 | 0:09:53 | |
Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
Hail, Otto! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
Hang on, I thought you said the Emperor's name was Galba. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
It was, but he's been killed. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:01 | |
-I thought you said no more dead emperors. -Starting from now. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:04 | |
Hang on, shouldn't we be avenging Galba's death? | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
Well, not so much. It was us Praetorians what killed him. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:09 | |
Bit embarrassing I know, but let's move on. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
OK, so same plan as before, different emperor. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
We Praetorian Guards don't seem very good | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
at this keeping the Emperor alive thing. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Hail, Otto, Emperor of Rome. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:21 | |
Hail, Otto! | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
Ugh! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:23 | |
No, he's dead too, but it wasn't us this time, he killed himself. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
Ooh, hoo haa. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
So, to recap, protect the emperor, all right? | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
That's three emperors we've lost in 12 months, no more! | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
We must keep Emperor Vitellius safe if it's the last thing we, ugh! | 0:10:37 | 0:10:43 | |
Oh, Emperor Vitellius has decreed | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
that all Praetorian Guards should get a pay rise. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:49 | |
-Really? -Nah, not really. He's dead too. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:52 | |
Hail Emperor Vespasian. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
-Hoo haa! -Whoever. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
That's right, there were four emperors in 69AD, | 0:10:57 | 0:11:02 | |
with three of them dying horribly. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:05 | |
When Emperor Vitellius was killed, | 0:11:05 | 0:11:06 | |
his body was shoved in the sewer, and that's just shocking! | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
Some of us live in the sewers. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
I mean, I wouldn't chuck a dead body into your home, huh! | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
Well, unless I've sicked up a fly I suppose. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Yes, those Romans sure got through a lot of emperors, | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
which meant they needed to keep changing their statues. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
Hi, I'm a shouty man and I'm here to tell you about New Emperor Statue! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:30 | |
The hail anywhere likeness | 0:11:30 | 0:11:31 | |
of your favourite Roman emperor. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
New Emperor Statue can be placed anywhere. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
In the marketplace, in the temple or even in the marketplace. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
But that's not all, is it? No. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Due to the high murder rate | 0:11:43 | 0:11:44 | |
of Roman emperors, | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
four in one year in 193AD, | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
New Emperor statue comes with everything you need | 0:11:47 | 0:11:49 | |
to keep your Roman figurine completely up to date. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:52 | |
Old emperor stabbed in the back? Good! | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Because you can make your statue look like the new emperor, | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
thanks to these incredible | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
swappable heads. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
Laters! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:05 | |
Warrior emperor replaced by a bookworm? | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
No problem, just remove his spear holding hand | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
and replace with a book holding one. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Whoa! He looks more cleverer already. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:17 | |
Commodus, Pertinax, Didius Julianus, Septimius Severus, etcetera. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:22 | |
Yes, swappable heads, hands and legs means your statue | 0:12:22 | 0:12:25 | |
can go on looking like the current emperor for years or longer. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:29 | |
So, for an emperor statue that looks | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
just like a statue of the emperor, | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
it can only be New Emperor Statue. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
Bit of help, please. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
Chill out, dude, we're still recording. Are we cut? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
Can we get an ambulance? | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
You're through to Historical Dates, perfect matches, reasonable rates. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:52 | |
Yes, sir, I'm sure we can help you find a new wife. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Have you been married before? Ooh, twice. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
No, that won't be a problem, sir, as long as you didn't murder them. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:03 | |
You did. Right, yes, that will be a problem. | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
OK, bye, Emperor Nero. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
You'd have to be totes desperate to go out with that one. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:12 | |
Should have given him your number. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
Oh, shut up, Karen, I'm not desperate. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Shut up! You so are. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
There you are, Your Majesty. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:19 | |
-Adorable. -What's your name? | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
James Hamilton, Second Earl of Arran. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
I seek a suitable marriage partner. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
I'm sure we'll have no trouble finding you a wife. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
-Oh, it's not for me, it's for the baby. -Oh. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
She's my cousin, Mary Queen of Scots. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
Her daddy was James V of Scotland, but uh, | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
he died when she was just six days old. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
That's awful. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:38 | |
You're telling me, I was heir to the throne | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
until this wee one came along. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:41 | |
All of a sudden, she's Queen of Scotland, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
only I have to run the country | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
while she's too busy trying to suck her own toes. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Oh, what a clever little queeny. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
You don't think she's a bit young to be looking for a long-term partner? | 0:13:50 | 0:13:54 | |
-Well, she's been engaged for six months. -Engaged? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
-Aye, to Edward. -And how old is he? | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
-Six. -He's six years old! | 0:13:58 | 0:14:00 | |
I'll admit there's a bit of an age gap, | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
but they've so much in common, what with Mary being Queen of Scotland | 0:14:02 | 0:14:05 | |
and Edward being heir to the English throne. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
Well, they do sound well-matched. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:09 | |
Where did they meet then, on a royal play date? | 0:14:09 | 0:14:12 | |
No, we're at war with the English. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:13 | |
That is not such a promising start to a relationship. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Well, we thought it'd be nice to get the two wee bairns together, | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
but uh, the people of Scotland were no' happy, | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
so we called the whole thing off. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:23 | |
What's Edward going to say? | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
If he's six years old, I expect he'll mainly talk about bogies. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
I'm more worried about what his father's going to say. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:30 | |
Right, where is she? | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
Why did you call off the engagement to Edward? | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
He's a catch, just like his father, he-he. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:37 | |
I'm Henry, by the way. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:38 | |
Ha, ha. So, is this marriage back on? | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
No? We can do this the easy way or the hard way. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
Please say the hard way. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:46 | |
I'm sorry, Henry. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
The people of Scotland will never accept an English king. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Yes! War it is. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:52 | |
I'm going to raze Edinburgh | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
to the ground, just you see if I don't. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Goodbye. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
Ooh, it smells like someone needs changing. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
-And I don't think it's the baby. -No. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
The plan to unite England and Scotland through the marriage | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
of Edward VI and Mary Queen of Scots didn't work out. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:11 | |
But when Elizabeth I died, | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
James VI of Scotland also became James I of England, | 0:15:13 | 0:15:17 | |
bringing together the two countries at last. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
However, he also brought with him his family's rotten luck. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
# I bet you think the Stuarts were an English dynasty | 0:15:29 | 0:15:33 | |
# But we only came to England when the crown belonged to me | 0:15:33 | 0:15:37 | |
# Our clan may hail from Scotland | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
# But our tale's not a bonny one You'll see | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
# We got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
# In our blue Stuart shoes | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
# Each king, queen and heir had our personal nightmare | 0:15:50 | 0:15:54 | |
# Have you read the news? | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
# We got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:15:57 | 0:16:02 | |
# Let's start with me King Robert III | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
# Some say I was a fool | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
# Once fell off my horse and hurt myself quite badly, how uncool | 0:16:07 | 0:16:11 | |
# Ended up with a limp and limp was what they called my rule... # | 0:16:11 | 0:16:17 | |
And I'll tell you for why. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:20 | |
# We got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:16:20 | 0:16:22 | |
# Strapping sons, he had two | 0:16:22 | 0:16:24 | |
# One imprisoned, starved in jail | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
# The other captured, epic fail | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
# "The worst of Kings" my review | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
# I got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:16:32 | 0:16:37 | |
# The next five Stuarts all called James | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
# But none was Lucky Jim | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
# James I hid down a sewer | 0:16:42 | 0:16:44 | |
# Got caught by assassins | 0:16:44 | 0:16:45 | |
# James II was less unpopular | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
# But killed by his own canon so pretty dim... # | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
And it doesn't end there. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:53 | |
You're not wrong! | 0:16:53 | 0:16:54 | |
# We got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
# So many ways to lose | 0:16:56 | 0:16:59 | |
# III and IV killed in battle | 0:16:59 | 0:17:01 | |
# V lost a war and that'll... | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
# Explain why we don't enthuse | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
# About those Stuart clan blues... # | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
Sing it, Mary. Go on, girl! | 0:17:10 | 0:17:11 | |
# I'm Mary Queen of Scots | 0:17:11 | 0:17:13 | |
# And misfortune, I had lots | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
# To Queen Liz, I was a threat | 0:17:16 | 0:17:18 | |
# She threw me into prison | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
# Yet still accused me of plotting | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
# Can you see where I'm headed? | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
# Liz is a Tudor, take a guess... # | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
-Beheaded? -Yeah. | 0:17:27 | 0:17:29 | |
# Well, after Queen Liz died | 0:17:29 | 0:17:31 | |
# I was made King of England too | 0:17:31 | 0:17:33 | |
# Became James I in England | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
# But the Stuart luck stayed true | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
# Guy Fawkes tried to blow me up | 0:17:37 | 0:17:40 | |
# And turn me into Stuart stew | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
# One more time! | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
# Yeah! | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
# We got the Blue Blooded Blues | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
# Not the role that you'd choose | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
# With my son Charles a decapitee | 0:17:50 | 0:17:52 | |
# We briefly killed off royalty | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
# Stuart moaners, it's true | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
# Cursed with the Blue Blooded Blues. # | 0:17:58 | 0:18:07 | |
That's what I'm talking about. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:08 | |
To win a war against the Germans, we had to outsmart them, | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
and I'm not very smart. | 0:18:19 | 0:18:20 | |
So thank heavens for Military Intelligence, Section five, | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
better known as MI5, | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
who were responsible for outsmarting the enemy. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Carry on! | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
No, I'm afraid it's all very hush, hush. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:31 | |
Goodbye. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
Agent Gibbons, I wasn't expecting you. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:35 | |
No, of course not, sir. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
That's why I'm the best secret agent in MI5. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
You were the best secret agent in MI5. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:41 | |
Were? Are we talking in code, sir? | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
No. Our new top secret mission, codename Mincemeat, | 0:18:44 | 0:18:47 | |
requires a range of skills that simply you do not have. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Meet Major Mud. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
Oh, his disguise is incredible, | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
he looks just like a dead tramp. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
Oh, hello! He is a dead tramp. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
You're not seriously suggesting that a dead tramp | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
could do a better job than me. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:04 | |
Well, he's very good at keeping secrets. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
Speak English, man! | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
You see, not a peep. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
Look at that stiff upper lip. | 0:19:12 | 0:19:14 | |
But that's rigor mortis. | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
Major Martin here | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
will be swimming across the sea. | 0:19:17 | 0:19:18 | |
-Uh, swimming? -Well, more floating, really. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:22 | |
We're hoping that by chance somebody will fish out the floating body | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
and find these plans, which claim | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
we shall be invading Greece and Sardinia. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Now, when the Germans head there, | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
we shall of course be invading here, Sicily. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
But why would anyone believe plans carried by a dead tramp? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:41 | |
Because, my dear Gibbons, we shall be disguising him, | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
as Major Martin of the Royal Marines. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Hester! | 0:19:47 | 0:19:48 | |
Here you go, sir. And for extra believability, | 0:19:48 | 0:19:51 | |
I took the liberty of writing him some love letters. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:53 | |
And it just so happens that we have a very important job for you, Gibbons. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
Spiffing. I'd do anything for King and country, sire. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
I want you to strip this tramp naked, | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
give him a full body wash and then dress him. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
I don't suppose you're talking in code now, sir. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
Good luck, Gibbons. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
That's true! | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
MI5 really did use a dead body to trick the Germans. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
Major Martin or, as I like to call him, Corporal Corpse. Hmm. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:24 | |
And if you think that story's unbelievable, | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
wait until you hear what the residents of Berlin | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
ended up eating during World War II. | 0:20:28 | 0:20:31 | |
'Five eager chefs, five historical eras, but just one prize. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:35 | |
'Who will be crowned Historical MasterChef?' | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
This competition is going to be war! | 0:20:39 | 0:20:44 | |
No offence to anyone who's been in an actual war. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:48 | |
'Hilda Schmidt is a housewife from Berlin in the Second World War.' | 0:20:49 | 0:20:55 | |
So, Hilda, what have you got for us? | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
I am serving duck. | 0:20:57 | 0:20:58 | |
Doesn't look much like duck. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:00 | |
Doesn't taste much like duck. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
That is because it is not duck, it is mock duck. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:06 | |
So the war has been on for a few years now | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
and the food supplies in Berlin have all but run out, | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
so we have to make do with what we can get. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
So this duck, it is actually made with sausage meat, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:20 | |
apples, onions and sage. | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
It's not bad, but it's not duck. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
What's duck normally made from? | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
'Hilda's fake starter hasn't gone down too well, except with Hilda. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
'But she's optimistic her main course will impress the judges.' | 0:21:32 | 0:21:36 | |
What's that, Hilda? | 0:21:36 | 0:21:37 | |
Oh, this is goose in cream sauce, with potatoes. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
Mock goose? | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
Ja. Made of potatoes with apples and cheese. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:47 | |
So basically, it's just potatoes. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:48 | |
Ja, in a cream sauce. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
Mock cream? | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
Ja. Made from margarine, | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
milk powder und sugar. | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
It's not half bad. Could do with more sugar. | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
-You think everything needs more sugar. -That's cos everything does. | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
Five minutes, people. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Five minutes, Hilda! | 0:22:03 | 0:22:05 | |
'In an unprecedented move on Historical MasterChef, | 0:22:05 | 0:22:08 | |
'Hilda is eating her main course and starting again from scratch.' | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
OK, guys, meals of food onto plates. | 0:22:12 | 0:22:15 | |
So, Hilda, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:18 | |
talk us through your plate of meal. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
So, this is rhino, | 0:22:20 | 0:22:23 | |
this is tiger und this is gorilla. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
Mock rhino, what do you make that out of, acorns and dog's mess? | 0:22:26 | 0:22:30 | |
Nein, nein, nein. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
This is real rhino, from a real rhino. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
I'm sorry, you can't eat that, that's too rare. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Uh, would you prefer it well done? | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
No, I mean rhino's too rare, | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
as are gorillas and tigers. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
Listen, Liebling, | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
meat is rare in World War II Berlin, | 0:22:46 | 0:22:48 | |
you eat what you can get. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Where did you get these animals from? | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
Uh, the zoo. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
The residents of Berlin have killed and eaten | 0:22:53 | 0:22:55 | |
most of the zoo animals. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
So, if you're not going to eat it, | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
do you mind? | 0:22:59 | 0:23:00 | |
Thank you. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:03 | |
Hilda, I've had some pretty unacceptable food served up to me | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
in this kitchen over the last few years, | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
but rhino, tiger and gorilla steak are an all-time low. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:16 | |
However, we are putting you through to the next round | 0:23:16 | 0:23:20 | |
cos I'd like to see you eat some proper food. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
-Oh! -Congratulations. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:23 | |
Thank you. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
The answer is B, | 0:23:45 | 0:23:47 | |
but it wasn't long before | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
the ban on executions was lifted. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
In the Middle Ages, executions were public events | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
and sometimes could get pretty rowdy. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
Oh, Thomas of Lancaster, | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
you have been brought to this place | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
in the snows of winter, | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
to have your head struck from your body. | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
Are you ready to meet your fate? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:07 | |
I am. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
And as I leave this world, | 0:24:09 | 0:24:11 | |
let my family know that I faced my sentence with grea... | 0:24:11 | 0:24:15 | |
Dignity and grace. | 0:24:15 | 0:24:18 | |
I am a proud man | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
who has done his duty. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:23 | |
Right, who threw that? | 0:24:23 | 0:24:24 | |
I'm about to die here, do you really think | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
this is an appropriate time for a snowball fight? | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
I take that as a yes. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:32 | |
Agh, that's gone right down my neck. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
I hate it when that happens, shivers down your...agh! | 0:24:34 | 0:24:36 | |
Right, no, right, no, you stop that. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
You'd think an execution would be entertainment enough. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
I think they're making a snowman. So do you want to do this quickly, while they're busy? | 0:24:41 | 0:24:45 | |
Agh, some dignity at last. | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
This is how I, Earl Thomas of Lancaster, shall be remembered. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
Um, when you're done, can we borrow your head for our snowman? | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
-Who, me? -Yeah. | 0:24:53 | 0:24:56 | |
Um, yeah, I won't be using it. | 0:24:56 | 0:24:58 | |
Cheers, thanks. | 0:24:58 | 0:24:59 | |
There really was a snowball fight at the execution | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
of Earl Thomas of Lancaster. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
And his wasn't the only stupid death in the Middle Ages, I can tell you. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:11 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
# They're funny cos they're true Woo! | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths | 0:25:18 | 0:25:20 | |
# Hope next time it's not you. # Ha, hee. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
Ooh, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, daduh, dadee, dee dee. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:27 | |
Ah, that's more like it. | 0:25:27 | 0:25:29 | |
Nothing like a good spring clean. | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
What's that? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:32 | |
Oh, yes, it does smell a lot better now, doesn't it? | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
The scent of open flowers, no less. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:37 | |
Hee. Right, let's get on with it. Next! | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
Oh, heavens above! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
Oh, lummy, I've just cleaned that floor. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:47 | |
Sorry. Sorry about all the... Sorry. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
And you are? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:50 | |
Uh, Richard the Raker, gong farmer. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Hmm-mm, my card. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Urgh! | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
I know this is a long shot, | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
but is gong another word for something smelly? | 0:25:58 | 0:26:01 | |
Yes. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
Is it poo? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
It is poo! In the Middle Ages, | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
toilets used to empty directly into a cesspit beneath, | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
and when they were full, my job was to empty them out, hence gong farmer. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:14 | |
Nice work, if you can get it. Not! | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
Oh, because it's not, yeah. Yeah. | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
Nah, it's not. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:20 | |
Anyway, uh, one day I fell through a toilet floor | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
and drowned in the cesspit beneath. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Ooh, that's weird, don't seem to find that that funny. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
Must be losing my mojo. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
Well, I suppose it's just an occupational hazard | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
in your line of work, isn't it? | 0:26:33 | 0:26:34 | |
That's the ironic thing, in fact, it was actually my day off. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:38 | |
I fell through my own toilet floor and drowned in my own gong. | 0:26:38 | 0:26:43 | |
You du, you du... | 0:26:43 | 0:26:44 | |
Ha-ha-ha! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
-There's the doozy. -Yeah. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
I knew it'd come. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:49 | |
Do you know, in my list of favourite stupid deaths, | 0:26:49 | 0:26:52 | |
that's got to be number two! Ha-ha! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Cos it rhymes with poo. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
-No, it's a clever joke. -Thanks a lot. | 0:26:57 | 0:26:58 | |
You're through to the afterlife. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:00 | |
The showers are on the left, just on your way in. | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
I could probably do with a bit of a, whoo! | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
Yeah, tell us about it. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
-Bit of a spritz. Ooh. -All right, all right, off you pop. Bye! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
Look at the mess he's made on the floor there. | 0:27:09 | 0:27:12 | |
Haven't got a mop either. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:13 | |
Um, listen, you wouldn't mind if I flipped you upside down | 0:27:15 | 0:27:19 | |
and used you, would you? | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Ooh, after all I've done for you. | 0:27:21 | 0:27:24 | |
She won't be with us next season. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:25 | |
Next! | 0:27:27 | 0:27:28 | |
# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
# Hope next time it's not you. # Ho-hoo! | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
# Tall tales, atrocious acts | 0:27:34 | 0:27:35 | |
# We gave you all the fearsome facts... # | 0:27:35 | 0:27:37 | |
If you enjoyed that, | 0:27:37 | 0:27:38 | |
why not play the new | 0:27:38 | 0:27:39 | |
ADBC Time Tour music game? | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
Go to the CBBC Website | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
and click on Horrible Histories. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
Rock on! | 0:27:46 | 0:27:47 | |
# The past is no longer a mystery | 0:27:47 | 0:27:48 | |
# Hope you enjoyed... | 0:27:48 | 0:27:49 | |
# Horrible Histories. # | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:27:55 | 0:27:58 |