Episode 8 Horrible Histories


Episode 8

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# Terrible Tudors, gorgeous Georgians Slimy Stuarts, vile Victorians

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# Woeful wars, ferocious fights Dingy castles, daring knights

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# Horrors that defy description Cut-throat Celts, awful Egyptians

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# Vicious Vikings, cruel crimes Punishment from ancient times

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# Romans, rotten, rank and ruthless Cavemen, savage, fierce and toothless

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# Groovy Greeks, brainy sages Mean and measly Middle Ages

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# Gory stories, we do that And your host, a talking rat

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# The past is no longer a mystery Welcome to...

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# Horrible Histories. #

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Terrible Tudors.

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Elizabeth I was as frightening as she was powerful.

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So at the royal court you had to be careful what you said

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and what you did.

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The Earl of Oxford, Edward De Vere.

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My Queen, I am as ever at your service.

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HE FARTS

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Did what I think just happened, just happen?

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Yes, I rather fear it did, Your Majesty.

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Your Majesty, I don't know what to say.

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Cecil, what is the punishment for passing wind in front of the Queen?

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We don't have one, Your Majesty,

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no-one has ever dared do such a thing before.

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Or if they have,

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they've had least had the decency to cover it up with a well timed cough.

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Couldn't we just pretend that this never happened?

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Oh, would that we could, De Vere, would that we could.

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If memory serves, Your Majesty, you did once banish your godson,

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John Harrington, from court for a rude joke.

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And for how long did I banish him?

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Six years.

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And would you say passing wind was better or worse than a rude joke?

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Well, surely that would depend on the rudeness of the joke

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and the stinkiness of the far...

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We've had quite enough of you, De Vere, from both ends.

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I would say that passing wind in front or Your Majesty

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was definitely worse by at least a year.

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And so would I.

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Before you banish me, Your Majesty, I will do the gentlemanly thing

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and banish myself from court for seven years.

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Thus saving a shred of my dignity and honour.

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Your Majesty, I am as ever your humble servant.

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Oh, do not bow, I dread to think what may happen.

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Now, off you go and mind you clench your but-tocks.

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It is for the best, Your Majesty.

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HE FARTS

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That was the chair, Your Majesty. The chair.

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A likely story. Ugh!

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HE LAUGHS

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Some people think that Shakespeare didn't write his plays

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and that they were actually written by Edward De Vere.

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That's right, windy De Vere.

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What would his plays have been called?

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Henry IV Fart Two, Much Ado about Trumping?

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Romeo and Windybum?

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And there were some stupid goings on at the royal court

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in France as well.

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths

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# They're funny cos they're true

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# Whoo! Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

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Hee hee!

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What do you think? I made them for you out of ping pong balls.

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All right, keep your hair on. Happen to think they suit you.

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Next!

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Name?

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Diane De Poitiers.

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Occupation?

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How dare you insult me! I do not need an occupation.

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Oh, am I treading on eggshells today or what?

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Sorry, Diane, what do you do with your time, love?

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I am a French noblewoman

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and the girlfriend of King Henry II of France.

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And you, stop staring at me or I will have you flogged.

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Oh, let me sort that for you.

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Right, everybody happy now? Then let's continue.

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To get noticed at the king's court in France

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one has to look one's best.

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I can imagine.

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I have my own special method to keep myself looking so youthful.

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-Which was?

-Gold leaf.

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-Oh, you wore it?

-Oh, no, no, I ate it.

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Sorry, you ate it?

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Oui, I had a spoonful of gold leaf every day for years.

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And what happened?

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I died of heavy metal poisoning.

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HE LAUGHS

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That's brilliant, Diane, you're through to the afterlife.

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Oh, hey, let's hope they don't play any heavy metal music there.

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Stupid man.

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That was a good one, I thought. What did you think?

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Comedy gold? Phew, don't get it.

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Yes, I do.

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I was going to say that, in fact I will. Comedy gold.

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Whatever!

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# Stupid deaths, stupid deaths Hope next time it's not you. #

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Hoo-hoo.

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Vicious Vikings.

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-HE SHOUTS:

-Hi, I'm a shouty man

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and I'm here to tell you about the new Runic Alphabet.

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The easy-to-carve writing system that's taking

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the Viking world by storm.

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Do you have a bad memory?

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Or perhaps you have a bad memory.

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Or maybe you even have a bad memory.

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Then the old Viking system of learning things off by heart

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is not for you. But don't worry!

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Help is at hand with the sensational new runic alphabet.

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The simple angular letters can be quickly carved into any wall,

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rock or twig, making writing things down

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the new not writing things down.

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Yes! Using new Viking runes means that this simple stick can be

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turned into... A prayer to the gods.

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A personal message. A business letter.

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Or an expression of affection.

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Thank you, Joan, I feel a bit the same way.

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And when you're finished it makes an excellent dog toy.

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DOG BARKS

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Fetch, boy!

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And that's not all.

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The new runic alphabet

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was discovered by the Viking god Odin, so it has mystical powers.

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Simply carve healing charms into a whale bone to help heal the sick.

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Now read that four times a day. That's Shouty Man Junior.

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And why not let people know where you've been with some good

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old Viking runic graffiti?

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"Olaf was here."

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To be honest, I think they already knew you were here, mate.

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So order new runic alphabet today

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because the writing's on the wall,

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for not writing on the wall!

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We Vikings used to write runes on stones called, wait for it,

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rune stones.

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Some tell of how we embraced a new religion.

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May I help you, sir?

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Yeah, I'm looking for something for my wife.

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Oh, very nice too, sir. And what did you have in mind?

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Well, she's quite religious, so I was thinking some sort of amulet.

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Ah, I have the very thing.

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How about this delightful Thor's Hammer amulet,

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cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould?

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It's the ideal way to honour the Norse god of Thunder.

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Ah, actually, my wife and I don't worship the Norse gods any more,

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we've converted to Christianity.

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I see, well, in that case

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I highly recommend...

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..this Christian crucifix amulet,

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cast in solid silver from this handcrafted soapstone mould.

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It's the ideal way to honour your Christian God, Father and Son.

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Come off it, that's just the hammer one the other way up.

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It's been clearly cast from exactly the same mould.

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Oh, no, no, not at all, sir.

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For as you can see, the Thor's Hammer amulet is mould number 66.

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And the crucifix one...

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..is mould number 99.

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I see, well that's my mistake then. I'll take the crucifix one, please.

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That'll be nine silver clippings, sir.

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There you go. Thank you very much.

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Oh, er, wait a minute, sir. I said nine and this is only a six.

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Turn it up the other way.

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It's true!

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Archaeologists have found a mould that made both pagan

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Thor Hammers and Christian crucifixes, so the devious

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merchant could use the one mould for both pagans and Christians.

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Actually I have some cheese with mould in the shape of a cross.

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Hm, or is it Thor's Hammer? Hm...

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You're watching HH TV sport bringing you exclusive live sporting

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events from the past.

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Today is football, and time to go over to the 1950s

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to join our reporter, who's about to meet a very special player.

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I've come to 1951, where I'm here to interview the greatest

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English football striker of all time.

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Er...

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Sorry, do you mind moving along, please, love?

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I'm here to interview the all-time greatest English football striker.

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Well, you're looking at her.

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HE LAUGHS

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What, really?

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Yeah. My name's Lily Parr.

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I scored over 900 goals in my career.

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I scored 43 goals in me first season and I were only 14 at the time.

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Wow, that's impressive.

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In 1920, 53,000 people turned up at a ladies' match at Goodison Park

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and I was star attraction.

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Well, shall we...shall we carry on the interview?

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Let's do this, OK. So, Lily, tell us how did your career start?

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Well, when all the men went off to fight in First World War,

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women's football came right popular. I worked at a munitions factory

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and I played for the ladies' football team.

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We used to draw huge crowds.

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I see, but when the war ended and the men came back,

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I imagine everyone went back to watching men's football?

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No. No, you see the ladies' game was still really popular,

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so popular, in fact, that in 1921 the Football Association

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got nervous that we were threatening the male game,

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so they banned women from playing at official league grounds.

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Oh, that is a shame, isn't it?

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But let's be honest, men are better at football than women, aren't they?

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Listen, mate, I've played against men at exhibition matches

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and I'm telling you now, I've got harder shot than any of them.

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-I don't think so.

-I do think so.

-Well, I don't.

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This is Tony Codger reporting for HH TV News.

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Oh! She's not wrong, she's got a kick like a flipping mule. Oh!

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Lily was a great role model for young footballers,

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but not that great, because she used to smoke lots of cigarettes.

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Silly Lily.

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Time now for a fanfare to introduce our next popular performer.

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HE FARTS

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Le Petomane.

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-FRENCH ACCENT:

-The DVD the early 20th century has been waiting for.

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Joseph Pujol's explosive act

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that's been selling out the Moulin Rouge Cabaret in Paris.

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Just wait until you hear which instrument he's playing.

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LOUD FARTING

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CRIES OF DISGUST

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It's Le Petomane's windy performance on the pump cannon,

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live at the Moulin Rouge Cabaret club in Paris.

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Every performance is a blast.

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The show always goes down a storm, even with royalty in the audience.

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Don't miss his famous farmyard impressions.

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# With a... FARTING AND BAAING

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# And a... FARTING AND BAAING

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# Here a...there a...

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# Everywhere a... FARTING AND BAAING

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# Old Macdonald had a farm E-I-E-I

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LOUD FART # Ohhh! #

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His sell-out show is now touring the biggest theatres in Europe.

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Merci, thank you and good night. PARP

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Available now on DVD. The actor that everyone's gassing about.

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One of our great Georgian inventors was George Stephenson.

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He wanted to build a network of railways for his locomotive.

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But first he had to persuade some powerful politicians,

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including the Duke of Wellington.

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Confound it, the man is late.

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Nobody keeps the Duke of Wellington waiting, least of all this idiot.

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Mr Stephenson, you're late.

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-GEORDIE ACCENT:

-I wouldn't if I'd been able to travel to London

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by train, like.

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I've never heard anything so ridiculous.

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Yes, his northern accent is somewhat amusing.

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I meant the idea of travelling by train.

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Er, yes of course, quite ridiculous.

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Well, locomotives are the future.

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-Poppycock.

-Wellington, we did say we would give Mr Stephenson a fair

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hearing before deciding on the fate of his so-called railways.

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-Indeed we did.

-My railway system's totally going to change...

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Permission denied, I've heard enough. Locomotives haring up

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and down the countryside. You'll terrify the cows.

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It will probably make their milk curdle.

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If it doesn't just make them die

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of shock. Right, Sir Robert?

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-SLURRING:

-Eh...? It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

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-Well put, sir.

-Ach, away, man,

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the locomotives are going to revolutionise transport.

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People are going to be able to get up to speeds of 20 miles per hour!

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Can a human even survive at such speeds?

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Their eyes would get sucked from their skulls.

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A man on horseback can go at twice that speed.

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Then they'll be shaken silly by the vibrations.

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No, my railway system's totally safe.

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It'll give ordinary folk the freedom to go quickly round the country.

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How will we keep the poor people

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in their place? Eh? Eh?

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It's a disgrace,

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an absolute disgrace.

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Well put, that man. And criminals will be able to escape from the law.

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That's if they don't die going 20 miles an hour(!)

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-Precisely.

-Wellington does make a strong case, I'm afraid.

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And there is nothing you can possibly say to convince us.

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Your railways will never be built.

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Do you have anything else to add before I Wellington boot you out?

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My railway system's going to be phenomenally popular, right?

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So if you invest in my company you'll make train loads of cash.

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Your railway sounds like a marvellous idea!

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-I've always been in favour.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

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It's a disgrace, an absolute disgrace.

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Ignore him! He doesn't know what he's saying. Go back to sleep.

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HE MURMURS A LULLABY

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There were lots of objections to Stephenson's railway proposals,

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which meant the trains were delayed.

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The trains were delayed! You mean like they always are?

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Anyway, there were a number of transport pioneers who really

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changed the way we get around.

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With imagination.

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Inspiration.

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Innovation.

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And perspiration.

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ALL: We revolutionised transportation!

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# Stephenson's the name and my steam engine's the best you will find

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# It was the Rocket, it was called the Rocket

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# It pulled a train to carry passengers

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# And was the first of its kind

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# Caused a commotion doing the locomotion

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# Was best by miles and won top prize

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# At the Rainhill Trials

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# The Lords said it was dangerous then saw how many tickets could sell

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# The toffs were off it till they saw a profit

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# And so he paved the way for me I'm Isambard Kingdom Brunel

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# An engineer and famous pioneer

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# Railways off pat A massive hat

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# And to top that ...

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# I was a tunnel-building bridge-creating, hard-grafting

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# Ship-crafting polymath in search of a way

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# To take my train through my tunnel 'cross my bridge to my ship

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# And sail me fastest to the USA

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# My steam ship it made the trip in just 14 days

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# There across the ocean was clever old me, I'm quite a star

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# He's Henry Ford, yes, that's what he's called

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# My assembly line's the first to make it cheap to buy a motor car

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# From Henry Ford cars you can afford

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# I think you'll find made just one kind, but never mind

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# I was the fastest rating car creating

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# Introducing mass producing original Model T guy

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BOTH: # We took his engine, a bird wing some bike skills

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# Worked until we found out how machines could fly

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# Not just a hop, but nonstop Going to get high, high, high

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# I'm Orville, was the brains The brawn, my brother Wilbur Wright

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# We refined the plane that made the first sustained flight

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-# Our engine small

-But powerful

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ALL: # Propelled to a great height!

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# They were supreme, our mean machines

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# The stuff of dreams

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# We were creative, inventive progress our incentive

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# Always searching for a solution

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# We took some steel and a wheel Made a plane, car and train

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# And created a revolution

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# Hard to believe what we achieved

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# Looking back we helped change tack

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BOTH: # Transport was duller We added colour. #

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Well, as long as it's black.

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Your Lordship, the siege has been long and hard.

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For five months now your army has battered these walls

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and starved the inhabitants.

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We have never faced such a fearsome, valiant foe.

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Let us offer them terms. You there, noble enemy.

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Who is it?

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Ahem! It is I, Earl Salisbury, your foe in this siege.

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Oh, is there a siege on? I hadn't noticed.

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All right, cut it out, Black Agnes, Countess of Moray.

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There is no shame in surrender.

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Open your gates and you and your people will leave without harm.

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Thanks for the offer, but I dinnae think I'll bother.

0:17:200:17:23

I admire your spirit, Black Agnes,

0:17:230:17:26

but your husband has taken your soldiers off to war.

0:17:260:17:29

Look at the damage my catapults have done to your wall.

0:17:290:17:33

Aye, I've been meaning to speak to you about that.

0:17:330:17:36

It's making it awful dusty up here.

0:17:360:17:39

Morag, you've missed a bit.

0:17:390:17:41

The crazy woman's dusting the walls now.

0:17:410:17:44

I don't think you've quite got a handle on how badly you're losing.

0:17:440:17:48

We cut off your food supply five months ago. You must be starving!

0:17:480:17:52

Aye, you know I haven't eaten since elevenses.

0:17:520:17:56

Och, did I not mention our secret entrance?

0:17:560:17:59

We're been getting fresh food in here all the time.

0:17:590:18:02

There's plenty to go round if you'd like some.

0:18:020:18:05

I've had enough of this, send in the battering ram.

0:18:050:18:08

MEN ROAR

0:18:080:18:11

Thanks for the big stones.

0:18:110:18:13

This has gone on long enough. It ends now.

0:18:140:18:17

I have your brother. Oh, yes, sir.

0:18:170:18:20

Surrender your castle or I will kill him at dawn.

0:18:200:18:24

Could you do it now? I'd sorely love to inherit his money and lands.

0:18:240:18:29

Much appreciated.

0:18:290:18:31

Right, we're going home.

0:18:310:18:32

A full army besieging a virtually defenceless lady

0:18:320:18:36

and we can't take the castle in five months.

0:18:360:18:38

If anyone asks, we've been on a walking holiday in the Highlands.

0:18:380:18:42

Oh, and don't forget your packed lunch.

0:18:420:18:45

Hey, now. Rude.

0:18:470:18:50

Douglas and his men wore cow skins to get close to the castle

0:19:080:19:11

without being seen. And then overpowered the English garrison.

0:19:110:19:15

Between World War I and World War II, Germany suffered from

0:19:200:19:23

hyperinflation - which is when money loses its value very, very quickly.

0:19:230:19:29

Carry on.

0:19:290:19:30

Wilkommen back to Who Wants To Be A German Millionaire?.

0:19:330:19:36

Before the break we asked Heinrich here,

0:19:360:19:40

why is the German economy in so much trouble?

0:19:400:19:43

He answered C: Because Germany has to pay massive compensation costs

0:19:430:19:48

to the Allied forces who won the war.

0:19:480:19:52

The answer is...

0:19:520:19:53

C!

0:19:550:19:57

Congratulations, Heinrich.

0:19:570:19:58

-Danke.

-You've won 64 million German Marks.

0:19:580:20:03

Unfortunately, due to the state of the German economy

0:20:030:20:07

that's probably only enough to buy you a wheelbarrow.

0:20:070:20:10

I will need to buy a wheelbarrow just to carry that much cash.

0:20:100:20:13

Well, we don't want to give you that. We want to give you this.

0:20:130:20:17

128 million German Marks.

0:20:170:20:21

That's enough cash to buy you a wheelbarrow.

0:20:210:20:24

But you just said I could get a wheelbarrow for 64 million Marks.

0:20:240:20:29

Unfortunately the German economy is in such a bad way,

0:20:290:20:32

that prices for everything are rising very, very quickly.

0:20:320:20:36

In fact I'm just hearing in my ears that from now on,

0:20:360:20:40

one German Mark will now be worth 1,000 German Marks,

0:20:400:20:45

so you're actually playing for 128 billion German Marks.

0:20:450:20:51

-And what can I buy for that?

-Wheelbarrow!

0:20:510:20:53

-Thanks.

-Next question.

0:20:530:20:55

By November 1st 1923, how much will a loaf of bread cost?

0:20:550:21:03

D: 3 billion Marks.

0:21:040:21:06

3 billion Marks for a loaf of bread?

0:21:060:21:08

-Yeah.

-Are you sure?

0:21:080:21:10

-Yeah.

-Final answer?

-Yeah, get on with it.

0:21:100:21:14

Herr Heinrich, I can tell you the answer is...

0:21:140:21:17

..D: 3 billion Marks.

0:21:190:21:21

You have won yourself 128 billion, no, trillion Marks.

0:21:210:21:26

I miscounted the noughts.

0:21:260:21:27

How will you spend your winnings?

0:21:270:21:29

-I'm buying a wheelbarrow.

-You can't afford one.

0:21:290:21:32

I hate this show, I should have gone on Deal Or Nein Deal.

0:21:320:21:36

Imagine that, the money in your pocket becoming worthless overnight.

0:21:360:21:41

An angry German public started to support Adolf Hitler's

0:21:410:21:44

Nazi Party, and the rest, as they say, is history.

0:21:440:21:48

When the American GIs joined World War II,

0:21:480:21:51

they certainly liked to flash their cash around.

0:21:510:21:54

This month in Gals' Magazine, we're going Yankee crazy.

0:21:540:21:58

-Yes the Americans have joined the war.

-That's right, boy.

0:21:580:22:01

Now their gorgeous GIs are here and they're here to stay.

0:22:010:22:04

Well, for a bit anyway, until they get sent to the front line.

0:22:040:22:07

-In this week's issue, we compare an average British squaddie...

-Hello!

0:22:070:22:11

-..with the average American GI.

-Howdy.

0:22:110:22:14

Check out that slicked-back hair, that deep tan and those great teeth.

0:22:140:22:17

GIs have to brush their teeth every day.

0:22:170:22:19

I don't brush every day, there's nothing wrong with my teeth.

0:22:190:22:22

And there's more - we look at all the latest trends

0:22:220:22:25

they're bringing from across the Atlantic.

0:22:250:22:27

You really can dance!

0:22:270:22:29

What's that funny thing you're doing with your mouth?

0:22:290:22:33

I'm chewing gum.

0:22:330:22:35

Chewing gum. Wow, he's so classy.

0:22:350:22:39

Plus, don't miss our handy guide to speaking American.

0:22:390:22:42

Look, Beryl, I can dance good too.

0:22:420:22:44

OK.

0:22:440:22:46

What's that supposed to mean?

0:22:460:22:48

It's kind of like your English, right-ho.

0:22:480:22:51

-That'll never catch on.

-HE BURPS

0:22:510:22:54

Plus every GI comes with free gifts.

0:22:540:22:56

Nylons. Wow. No more stockings made out of gravy for me.

0:22:560:23:01

Get off!

0:23:010:23:03

Yes, you can no longer get nylons in the shops here,

0:23:030:23:06

but the Americans have bought loads.

0:23:060:23:07

-We got lots of chocolate too.

-Oh, you just get better.

0:23:070:23:12

All that and more. Well, actually, not more, but all that.

0:23:120:23:14

Only in this month's Gals' Magazine.

0:23:140:23:16

And, better still, Gals' Magazine is absolutely free

0:23:160:23:19

-because a rich GI will buy one for you.

-Oh! He's so dreamy.

0:23:190:23:24

When we Romans invaded Britain,

0:23:320:23:34

we got all the way to Scotland, where the Caledonians fought back.

0:23:340:23:38

Well, as the old saying goes, if you can't beat them,

0:23:380:23:41

build a massive wall to keep them out.

0:23:410:23:43

-Yes?

-Oh, hello.

-All right?

0:23:460:23:49

Er...hail, Emperor Trageon..?

0:23:490:23:52

It's Emperor Hadrian now, Trageon's dead.

0:23:520:23:54

-Murdered?

-No, natural causes.

0:23:540:23:56

Oh, well, that's nice.

0:23:560:23:58

So, what can I do for you fellas then?

0:23:580:24:01

It's more a case of what we can do for you today, sir.

0:24:010:24:03

Emperor Hadrian would like to build a brand-new wall on your land

0:24:030:24:07

completely free of charge.

0:24:070:24:09

I could do with a new wall.

0:24:090:24:11

So it's going to be nice and big, this wall?

0:24:110:24:13

Three metres wide and six metres high.

0:24:130:24:15

Me sheep won't be jumping over that in a hurry, will they?

0:24:150:24:18

-HE LAUGHS

-No, they won't.

0:24:180:24:21

You see Emperor Hadrian wants a nice new defensive wall stretching

0:24:210:24:25

right across the country from the Tyne to the Firth to mark

0:24:250:24:27

the northern edge of the Roman Empire, since you ask.

0:24:270:24:30

Plus it'll help to keep out those awful Caledonians.

0:24:300:24:32

-Oi! I heard that.

-Oh!

0:24:320:24:34

-Get out of here.

-Animals. We're calling it Hadrian's wall.

0:24:340:24:37

A working title.

0:24:370:24:39

So where exactly is it going to go, this wall?

0:24:390:24:42

Erm, right along here.

0:24:420:24:44

That's right through the middle of my land.

0:24:440:24:47

So it is.

0:24:470:24:49

Won't my house be in the way?

0:24:490:24:50

-Not for long, it won't.

-Hey, hey, hey, hey! No. I protest.

0:24:500:24:55

I'm not moving.

0:24:550:24:57

As you like, mate.

0:24:570:24:59

-Eh?

-It saves us a stake, I suppose.

0:24:590:25:01

I don't believe this.

0:25:010:25:03

Did you know, Hadrian had his famous wall painted white

0:25:060:25:10

so it would glisten majestically in the bright sunlight?

0:25:100:25:15

He obviously didn't get up north much.

0:25:150:25:17

The Roman General who first invaded Britain was Julius Caesar,

0:25:180:25:22

and his is an interesting story.

0:25:220:25:26

Ave, Gaius Julius Caesar, Dictator of Rome, Consort of Cleopatra,

0:25:300:25:36

and conqueror of Gaul.

0:25:360:25:38

In this room you're just a guy with a big nose and a plant on his head.

0:25:380:25:42

OK, I would like to pitch the story of my rise

0:25:420:25:46

to power, from the young adventurer who was kidnapped by pirates,

0:25:460:25:50

to the General who invaded Britain,

0:25:500:25:52

crushed the Gauls, crossed the Rubicon river, took control of Rome

0:25:520:25:57

and forged it into the greatest empire the world had ever seen.

0:25:570:26:02

OK, we're interested.

0:26:020:26:04

In the pirates.

0:26:040:26:05

-Well, pirates are very big right now.

-Johnny Depp.

0:26:050:26:07

Ahoy, Captain Caesar, you got yourself a hit.

0:26:070:26:10

-Who can play the talking parrot?

-Sorry, what parrot?

0:26:100:26:13

-All pirates have a parrot.

-It's in the contract.

0:26:130:26:15

Sorry, look, me being kidnapped by pirates was just a small

0:26:150:26:18

part of the story, before I became the greatest General

0:26:180:26:21

and statesman of the Roman age.

0:26:210:26:23

Yeah, you see what I just heard was "Pirates, blah, blah, blah, blah."

0:26:230:26:27

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

0:26:270:26:29

-I conquered Spain.

-Blah.

0:26:290:26:31

-France.

-Blah.

0:26:310:26:32

-Egypt.

-Blah.

0:26:320:26:33

So are we making a pirate movie or are you going to walk

0:26:330:26:35

the plank to the Roman province of Loserville?

0:26:350:26:39

I was captured by pirates near Turkey.

0:26:390:26:41

They wanted money for my return.

0:26:410:26:43

Pirates of the Mediterranean: Caesar's Gold.

0:26:430:26:45

I was actually quite furious. Er, not because I'd been kidnapped,

0:26:450:26:49

but because they asked for too little ransom.

0:26:490:26:51

-I told them to ask for more money.

-It's a comedy.

0:26:510:26:53

It was actually quite funny, you know.

0:26:530:26:55

Because despite being their prisoner,

0:26:550:26:57

I actually ordered them around all the time.

0:26:570:26:59

I shouted and told them to stop being noisy when I was trying to sleep.

0:26:590:27:02

That was hilar... Actually, in the end we became quite good friends.

0:27:020:27:06

Even better, it's a buddy, buddy movie with heart.

0:27:060:27:09

Friends, Romans, countrymen lend me your Oscars - we got a hit!

0:27:090:27:13

So anyway, in the end they paid the ransom,

0:27:130:27:15

I returned home and then I hired a fleet of ships.

0:27:150:27:17

So you wouldn't miss hanging out with your friends, the pirates,

0:27:170:27:21

and that's our happy ending.

0:27:210:27:23

No, no, no, no. So I could hunt them down and torture them to death.

0:27:230:27:26

Which I did. I killed them all.

0:27:260:27:29

Pretty brilliant twist, right?

0:27:290:27:31

Yeah, the whole torturing to death thing,

0:27:310:27:35

-plays quite badly with families.

-You may need an alternate ending.

0:27:350:27:39

-The talking parrot saves everyone and sings a song.

-Works for me.

0:27:390:27:42

Big Nose, you came, you saw, you got yourself a movie deal.

0:27:420:27:47

Ahhh!

0:27:470:27:48

Don't rest on your laurels.

0:27:480:27:50

-Eh? Oh!

-That guy can rock a skirt.

0:27:500:27:53

Can't get enough of Horrible Histories?

0:27:560:27:59

Then go to the CBBC website and click on the link.

0:27:590:28:02

See you there.

0:28:020:28:04

# The past is no longer a mystery

0:28:040:28:07

# Hope you enjoyed Horrible Histories! #

0:28:070:28:09

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:090:28:12

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