Sistery Mystery Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble! Meet Sally, our receptionist...

always service with a smile!

And that's Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

We're just not sure what they are yet.

And here's Mrs Poshington and her cat, General Sirius Poshington.

She's our regular pest...

I mean...guest.

She never leaves.

Which just leaves me, Jamie.

I'm the bellboy. Can I take your bags?

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know it

# We're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# As we try to survive

# each day brings disaster!

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm on and on

# So the hotel survives

# Trubble, Trubble always got a plan

# Hotel Trubble we're your biggest fan!

# Trubble, Trubble keep the hotel alive. #

Oh! Top of the morning to you, Sally.

Oh! That's not your usual magazine! What's going on?

They'd run out of Gossip magazine by the time I got there.

But still, better than nothing!

I've just been reading about the history of child lion tamers.

Did you know that in ancient medieval Slovakia

they could tame lions just by simply whispering the words...

-Sorry, Sally, I'm gonna have to stop you there.

-Why?

Because I'm really bored.

And also, I want to know what you think of my new outfit!

Yeah, why are you dressed as a chicken?

Because Mr Trubble said seeing as it's a special occasion

that I should come dressed up! So here I am, dressed up!

He probably meant dress smart, rather than come as a chicken.

Oh.

Well, smart clothes are so expensive...

and this was going cheep!

Cheep. Get it?

Because chickens go cheep.

You haven't got a laugh for me on my special day?

Cheep, cheep!

"On his special day"? I wonder what he meant.

What's it today, Mrs Poshington?

The walls not straight enough?

The moon not bright enough?

Oh, I know, breakfast tasted too much like food! Or...

ANGELIC SINGING

Don't mind that. That's just me nun-brella.

-I beg your pardon, Sister...

-Matic.

Oh. What can I do for you, Sister Matic?

Well, as you know, Sister Derek and I's been staying here

at Hotel Trubble for three nights now.

For your sins!

Yeah. Very good.

We've been staying here for three nights now,

and I's beginning to think to myself, "Hello, hello, hello,

"if this nun ain't very much mistaken, she smells trouble."

I did ask Mr Trubble

if you could use a plug-in air freshener on a human being,

-but I don't think he got the message.

-No.

That is not to what I was referring to.

Oh.

No. I thinks you've got a menace in your midst.

On me first morning here,

-I wakes up, six prompt as usual, to go outdoors to play...

-Play?

Did I say play? No, sorry.

I meant "pray". Yes, pray.

We loves to go outdoors to pray, don't we, Sister Derek?

-Yes...

-Ah!

Vow of silence, Sister Derek!

Yes, we love to...go outdoors for a pray on a pleasant morning.

-Usually with a bat and ball!

-And sometimes Frisbees!

Er, vow of silence, Sister Derek!

She's always forgetting.

Sorry about that. You see trouble is, she's not actually religious.

Anyway, there's a knock at me door.

So, I goes to it, turned the handle, opens the door...

-DOOR CREAKS

-"Can I help you?"

says I. But there was no-one there.

I look around, I look down, and there was

some strange-looking food there.

So I tastes it.

Very weird it was, too.

So what you're saying is

someone's been making false room service orders to the Sister's room.

Tuesday, swan pate.

-Yesterday, chocolate bis...

-SQUAWK

..and today, pepperoni and petrol milkshake.

Hmm. I remember thinking that

was an unusual order at the time, especially for a couple of nuns.

Does she have any idea who's making them?

Well, no, but she suspects that the hotel menace

is the same person who's been...

tying Lenny's shoelaces together!

Yeah. But I've solved that problem now. No more laces!

I'm wearing shoeboxes now!

-Good thinking, Lenny.

-Yeah. No more tripping up for me!

Oh!

Anyway,

Sister Matic saw a woman running away from the scene of the crime.

So far this woman's identity remains completely unknown, possibly

-even to herself.

-Very interesting.

And what does this so-called "woman"

-look like?

-Well, she's very odd, but very glamorous.

She wears a pink chiffon blouse, a tweed jacket and a red fascinator.

And every time she's been seen,

-she's had a stuffed cat under her arm.

-Ooh.

I've never seen anyone like that in my whole life!

-DING!

-Ah! Crumpets!

All this talk of a menace has made me jumpy as a sackful of badgers!

And today of all days.

Exactly.

What?

Ah, Mrs Poshington.

-What can I do for you today?

-The telephone in my room is out of order.

Why, what did it say?

-It was out of order! It's not working!

-Oh!

My mistake! Don't worry, I'll get Lenny to come up and fix it for you.

Oh, not Lenny! Anyone but Lenny!

The last time he fixed something in my room, he accidentally made

the trouser press play the latest Britney Spears single!

QUICK BLAST OF MUSIC

It was awful!

Just Mrs P, I'm afraid.

-Ah, not the hotel menace then? That is a shame.

-Well, she's not

just gonna turn up at reception and hand herself in, is she?

Stuffed cat, you say?

That's right, yes.

Who would carry a thing like that?

I mean, Mrs Poshington's got a cat,

but hers is very much in the peak of health!

MIAOW!

I've got it! Why don't I do you a drawing?

-Ah! That's very good!

-Yeah.

-But can you do one of the menace?

Ah. I see!

Right, so we've got a description of the hotel menace,

so let's get the public to use the potatoes to try and identify her.

Hi there. Do you have two minutes, ladies?

Can you just help us with our...?

We're working with the police on CRIMS. Excuse me, will you help us?

We're working with the police on a new criminal identity system.

-With potatoes.

-Could you help us, sir?

-It's using household objects to help identify criminals.

-Like potatoes.

So there's a hotel menace on the loose at the moment.

-It's a prototype with the police at the moment.

-Let me describe her...

-She is...

-She's posh and she's... Seems a very crazy idea.

Get the public to match them up to what they think they would look like.

Is this a joke?

It's a prototype that we're working with the police at the moment.

It seems quite crazy cos it's with potatoes,

but what we're doing is trying to match up what a criminal

might look like through various different features like eyes, nose...

But you can't really do it by that, cos a criminal

-can look like anything.

-You put it on there for the head.

-And with the hair it's quite good.

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, they do. That's right.

-Thank you for helping us.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

With a face on the potato

-of what you think the hotel menace will look like.

-Sorry.

So, all you need to do is stick things on the potato.

-It'll take a minute of your time.

-What looks like?

-A hotel menace.

She's... We, we know that she's very old.

Very old. Glamorous. Very glamorous.

Yeah, lips. She's got lips.

I mean, that is quite an old look.

What about a nose? She's probably got a nose.

Right, so this is what you think the hotel menace looks like

-from the description I gave you?

-Yeah.

-OK.

-Yeah.

-We'll pass the information on to the CRIMS department.

-I think you've done well.

-Thank you very much.

-We'll get that back to the police and see what they think.

-Thank you.

So we've got all the potato fits.

Still not sure if we've got the hotel menace.

It's amazing! No-one in the whole world

seems to have any idea who the hotel menace might be!

Well, a master criminal's not gonna draw attention to himself.

I mean he's not gonna turn up to work dressed in a chicken costume, is he?

No! Who'd do a daft thing like that?

-Lenny.

-What?

Ahhh!

Ah, Sister Matic!

Hello, hello, hello! Have you

caught this so-called woman then, by which I means the hotel menace?

No, Sister Matic. I'm afraid we're none the wiser.

All nuns are wise, Jamie. We have a lot of thinking time.

But that's not the issue in hand at the moment.

I'm afraid - and you're not gonna like this - the hotel menace

has struck again!

And most horrific came!

Er, vow of silence, Sister Derek!

I know it's upsetting and that, but can you keep your trap shut?!

You come with me, young man.

But I warn you, it ain't a pretty sight, oh, no!

Well, in all me years as a nun, I ain't seen nun-thing like it.

# Happy birthday to me. Ha... #

Ah, Mrs P. Can you believe this?

Bloke in here went to work dressed as a crab. What an idiot!

Oh. Anyway, what can I do for ya?

Roses are red,

violets are blue,

Trubble stinks

and so do you!

-What can it mean?

-Well, Jamie, when a criminal mastermind turns to writing

poetry, it can only mean one thing.

They plan to explode this here hotel.

Gosh!

-Really?

-Yep. Indubitably.

I think you'll find that I am the nun the wiser, so to speak,

after all, the hotel menace can't have got far.

The ink's still wet.

You can't do anything, Lenny.

I'm just returning this pen.

I borrowed it to write a letter to my sister.

Oh, what letter did you write? My favourite letter is J.

-Oh, OK.

-No, not O, J.

-Yes, I see!

-No, not I or C, J!

-Why J!

No, not Y J, just J on its own!

This conversation has to stop!

Anyway, Mrs P, I'm sure it was lovely to get any letter from you.

What a nice, kind lady you are.

Hmm.

Explode the hotel?! Are you sure?

Well, that's what Sister Matic told me.

-And how many examples are there of lying nuns?

-None.

Where?

Oh.

-Right, I see what you mean.

-Listen, we'd better do something fast.

Now, the hotel menace has left no clues except one - her handwriting.

We need to get samples of everyone's handwriting

and match them up so we can find out who the menace is.

Everyone's handwriting?

Everyone's in the whole world? Have we got enough time?

You're right, that would take at least three episodes.

But we've gotta get out there and make a start

and check as many people in the local area as possible.

OK, let's go.

Right, we need to get handwriting samples.

Oh, I know!

-We can pretend we're getting everyone's autograph.

-Yeah.

Your Majesty, can I get your autograph, please?

-Oh, my goodness!

-Are you Prince Philip?

-Prince Philip and...

-The Queen!

-Oh, yeah, we look just like them.

Can we just get your autograph, please?

-Please can I have your autograph?

-Right there.

-Thank you so much!

Oh, wow! The Queen.

-Ooh! Thank you!

-Thank you. Thank you very much.

Excuse me, are you Dakota Fanning, the actress?

I've seen all your films!

-And I loved you in...

-Man On Fire! Yeah. Oh, can I have your autograph?

-Yeah, that would be great.

-Thank you!

Oh, my God, are you Bruce Willis?

Oh, Bruce, I've seen all your films!

Oh, excuse me, are you the lady from The Apprentice - Margaret?

-Are you Margaret?

-Can I have your autograph, please, Margaret?

Britney! Oh, my gosh, Britney, can I have your...? Are you Britney?

-Are you that "I don't believe it!"?

-Can we have your autograph?

Is that you? Oh, please!

-Take the pen.

-No, he's gonna sign mine.

-Is that Judi Dench?

-That's Judi Dench.

-I'm not Judi Dench.

-Dame Judi Dench.

Dame Judi. Thanks, Dame Judi.

-Oh, wow!

-Jamie, it's Girls Aloud!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God, Girls Aloud.

Oh, we know your song... # You're gonna make me make... #

-Can we get your autographs, please?

-Can we get your autographs?

-Please!

You don't do autographs?

PIERCING SCREAM

-You know who it is!

-Zac!

Oh, my God! Zac Efron, can you...?

Just sign it. Sign, please, Zac.

-Wow. No, I know. Cheryl Cole.

-Cheryl Cole!

Cheryl Cole. Cheryl Cole! Cheryl!

Cheryl! Cheryl! Oh, my God!

Are you guys from High School Musical?

-Are you the cast of High School Musical?

-Are you Sharpay?

I can't even believe you're in the same building as me

breathing the same air! Can I get your autograph?

-You can all sign it at the same time!

-Please, just sign!

-Anne Robinson.

-You are. Oh, please can I get your autograph?

-Don't be shy.

-I'm your biggest fan.

And I said to Sir Larry, "He's got nothing on your bottom at all!"

And we... We laughed. And then it turned out

it was the red herring what did it after all. Which was a surprise

to all of us, because whoever heard of a fish doing a murder?

-I'm not boring you, am I?

-LOUD SNORING

Oh, there was another time I remember with Stuart Gielgud...

-Ah...!

-Vow of silence, Sister Derek!

Never mind that now,

the hotel menace is back!

But this time she's surpassed herself!

You'll never guess what she's done!

Hello! The clue is in the picture!

Me ginger wig's been nicked!

And from right under me wimple!

Lenny, you've gotta catch that hotel menace! You know what they say!

When a criminal mastermind turns to nicking a ginger wig,

there is only one thing they intend to do!

-No!

-That's right...

Explode this here hotel!

We heard the music! We came straight in. What is it?

Toot-toot!

Notice anything different?

Oh! Ginger really suits you!

Mrs P, you look gorgeous!

Thanks. Actually, it's a wig!

Jamie! Jamie, I've got it!

The hotel menace! I know who the hotel menace is!

The room service.

One pepperoni and petrol milkshake, please!

-I thought I'd have it done specially.

-Oh, and those layers!

I was just gonna say the layers are really nice.

-They complement your eyes.

-The shoelaces! I reckon...

Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, you look like the ginger one from Girls Aloud!

I was just gonna say that! You're Nicole!

The graffiti!

The pen! Must have been!

Yee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee!

Well, I have a few errands to run,

so I'm going to leave General Poshington with Lenny.

He's exhausted! Look!

Jamie, I've worked it out!

The hotel menace is Mrs Poshington!

I'll have you know, Lenny, that Mrs Poshington

is the secretary of the secretary to the National Respectable Society!

What's more, she has a PhD in loveliness.

I'll thank you to remember that, Lenny!

And anyway, we're looking for someone with a stuffed cat!

-Ah.

-Ah.

You know what, Lenny, for the first time in your life

you might just have a point there.

Right, let's follow Mrs P and find out what she's up to.

Good idea, Jamie!

-There she is. Let's just tell her what we think.

-Yeah, but, Sally,

-don't be like that...

-Mrs P, we're really angry that you've decided

-to become the hotel menace.

-Yeah, but we know that...

And we can't believe you'd do all those things. Mrs P, look at us!

We've really tried to...

-You can just be honest with us! You don't need to lie.

-Jamie.

I'm so sorry. We've got you...

-It's not Mrs P.

-I'm so sorry.

-You're not Mrs Poshington, are you?!

-Oh, I'm sorry!

-Sorry! What's your name?

-What's she saying?

-What's your name?

-We're deaf.

-We can't hear you.

-Oh, sorry!

We're looking for Mrs Poshington.

She's like really pretty like you, but you're not her, are you?

She's not old like me.

-Do you know her?

-No, I don't know what you're talking about!

-Mrs Dean.

-Oh! We were looking for Mrs P! Sorry.

-Mrs Poshington.

You know Mrs Poshington?

Are you from another planet or something dressed up like that?

No, just, just Hotel Trubble.

This is our uniform for our work.

-Are you, are you in the queue or...?

-Go, darling.

-Yeah.

Hello there. You all right? I was just wondering if you can help me.

We've got General Poshington here and he's looking a bit ropey.

-Well, it might be cos it's dead!

-Don't be silly, it's not dead!

Do you have anything that can maybe perk him up a bit?

He's just, he's just having a bit of an off day, so...

-Yeah?

-Give him a mouse!

-Give him a mouse. Go on, try it out.

-Hey!

-I think he likes that.

Well, how much is that?

To you, being dressed like that, you can have it for nothing.

Do you like that, General Poshington?

Come on, General.

Mrs P! I've seen her in the shop! She's buying the explosives!

So it's true then, she does mean to explode the hotel!

Who'da thunk it? Mrs Poshington all along.

Didn't seem the type, though, did she, with all them airs and graces?

Mind you, it's always the quiet ones.

That's why I have to keep such a keen eye

on this little church mouse.

But I love talking!

Vow of silence, Sister Derek, vow of silence.

So, I suppose that now that Mrs Poshington's been caught

red-handed, you'll be having to chuck her out, eh?

I wonder where she'll go?

Ha-ha! Well, she should have thought of that

before she got herself into such mischief!

Well, we'd better be getting on our way.

Sister Euphamiliata's shift ends at

six and she does roller disco on a Thursday and they don't hang about!

Sister Derek, get me to a nunnery!

< HISSING AND BOOING

Pardon I. I seems to have left without me...

nun-brella. Oh, there it is.

Oh.

Oh, battery's dead!

Janet?

Hang on, you two know each other?

Well, of course we know each other! We're sisters!

-Sisters! I don't get it.

-Oh, it's when two persons

of the female persuasion have exactly the same parents, Lenny.

But never mind that now!

Yeah, but how can they be sisters?

No, Lenny, that is not the question.

The question is, why is Mrs P's sister, Janet,

staying at Hotel Trubble dressed as a nun?

No, Jamie, the question is why has Mrs P become the hotel menace?!

No, Sally, the question is who would win in a fight

-between a fish and a pair of trousers?!

-A fish.

But that's not important right now!

We're onto you, Mrs P! We know what you've been up to!

Yeah, all those dreadful pranks,

-and you making those silly room service orders!

-Impossible!

-My phone's been out of order for days!

-Aha!

Not since I fixed it, it hasn't!

Fixed it! Ha! You superglued the receiver to the handset!

Well, if it wasn't you, Mrs Poshington, who's been

making all the room service orders?

Let me guess. Pepperoni and petrol milkshake, was it?

How did you know?

My sister's favourite.

SHE BURPS

Well, it was you who wrote that horrible poem on the wall!

-You were the one who borrowed the pen!

-What poem?!

But this is the work of a literary genius!

I could not possibly have written

-such a masterpiece!

-Well, who did then?!

I must protest with one correction I have no skill in that direction.

Well, you stole Sister Matic's wig! We all saw you in it!

Not so fast, Miss Marple.

My sister and I have worn wigs all our lives.

Yeah, it's true. We were born in 'em.

Hair just doesn't run in our family.

Ah, no, but my wig has disappeared! That's not a lie!

Come to think of it, an outfit of mine has disappeared also.

I thought it might be Sally.

But...

Derek?!

Everyone, meet my brother-in-law, Derek. Nice heels.

-Oh! I've never met a male nun before!

-Well, he's not a nun!

Neither is my sister!

-I'm sorry, darling.

-Oh, shhh.

I'm just going to go and put on my silent trousers.

Well, that may be very well, but we saw you with all those explosives,

Mrs P. You can't deny that!

Why on Earth would you do something as horrible as explode a hotel?

They were not explosives!

They were fireworks!

Ah! That's exactly what the hotel menace would say!

Oh, give it up, Janet! They're fireworks for Lenny's birthday!

Surely you hadn't forgotten it's Lenny's birthday?

Um...

-No!

-Of course not!

That's why we got you...

this hole punch!

-Happy birthday, Lenny!

-Sorry it's not wrapped!

Oh, wow!

Ah, thanks, guys!

-What is it?

-Well, it looks like we've been well and truly had.

Which just leaves one more question.

Why?

I wanted to see you get chucked out of this here plush hotel,

the same way you got me chucked out of the circus 50 years ago!

HISSING AND BOOING

That's it! I thought I recognised you from somewhere!

It's hard to believe it's us! We look so different!

The most famous child lion-tamers

-in Europe - Double Yellow Lines.

-CHEERING

But why did you get me chucked out? Your own sister! Why?!

Oh, Janet, you know as well as I do!

Lion taming takes daily practice, and all you wanted to do was play!

I had to get rid of you!

But I loves playing and Derek never plays with me!

All he does is dress up and drone on. Oh, I'm so bored!

I just wanna play all the time!

-Remember we used to play Sister Twister?

-What's Sister Twister?

Well, it's like Twister but you can only play it with your sister.

-I've got a set up in my room!

-Aw!

-Do you fancy a game?

-Oh, yeah, come on!

All right, come on.

I'm glad we didn't have to chuck Mrs Poshington out.

You get fond of a person, don't you, when you see them every day?

Er...

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello, Hotel Trubble!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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