Dragon's Den Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble.

Meet Sally, our receptionist.

People! Trying to have a conversation here.

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly, she's Mr Trubble's - ahem - fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie, I'm the bell boy.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck

# But we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm

# So the hotels shall survives

# Trubble, Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

BIRDSONG

CAR ENGINE PURRS

What ARE you doing, Leonard? It's hotter than the sun in here.

You've done some weird things in your time,

but this is the final straw.

This is the final straw.

I'm preparing the reception for our new guest,

-a big scaly bug-eyed creature.

-I thought Louis Walsh had cancelled?

No, not Louis Walsh, a great big lizard.

Mr Trubble called to say one's coming to stay.

Look, I've got it a jar of wasps as a treat.

No, Lenny, he phoned me, too, it's a DRAGON coming to say.

Yeah that's what I thought he said,

but everyone knows dragons don't exist. He must have meant lizard.

No, Lenny, he meant a dragon.

The biggest, scariest dragon of all is going to be here any minute.

Here at Hotel Trubble?

Fire! Teeth! Run! Oh!

ANGRY SHOUTING AND CRASHING

Chef! Scarier than dragon!

Fire! Teeth! Run!

No, Lenny, he's one of the Dragons from the Dragons' Den TV programme!

Oh, never mind.

-Mrs Poshington!

-Yes?

Would you clean this lot up while I turn the heating down?

-What's that you've got there?

-It's my Zoom Broom.

Well, they say two heads are better than one,

-so I figured that three heads must be better than two!

-Oh.

It gets the job done three times as fast! Look!

-Broom!

-Watch the feet!

-Broom! Broom! Broom!

What's wrong with Lenny?

He's yelling about dragon attacks.

Well, Jamie, my Mr Trubble is an old friend of Duncan Banana-Time...

That Scottish grump-bag from Dragons' Den?

The very same.

Apparently, there's been an accident at the Dragons' Den studio -

something about an automatic painting machine...

And if you press this button here...

BOOM!

I'm out.

BOOM!

So, all the Dragons are out looking

-for a new location to film their final episode.

-Wow!

Imagine if we could persuade them to film in Hotel Trubble!

I know! I know!

-GRAVELLY VOICE:

-Hotel Trubble is the Dragon's Den!

It's a shame it's that miserable old moaner who's coming.

SCOTTISH: You're wasting my time!

You're wasting your own time!

I hate you!

I hate everything!

Get me a room! Now!

Nice one, Jamie! That's dead like him!

"Get me a room...now!"

"I'm Duncan Banana-Time and I've got a face like I'm chewing nettles..."

But it's OK, cos deep down, I'm a thoroughly lovely human being.

Look, Mr Trubble told me this would be a great place

to film Dragons' Den.

-He told you right!

-What's the plan? What are your figures?

Well, we are a completely unique hotel experience.

No-one else provides a service like ours. We have a monopoly.

-And a Scrabble!

-And a KerPlunk!

-That's not...

Go on. I like KerPlunk.

This represents the other hotels in the area.

This is us.

As you can see, our spare capacity is much higher.

And this is a pie chart.

70% of our customers say they've never stayed anywhere like this.

80% say they would tell their friends

and the other 20% say they'd tell the police.

So in conclusion, people come to Hotel Trubble

because all the other hotels are full,

but they stay for the service.

And because all the other hotels are full.

So here's the deal.

You stay in one of our rooms and you will see that Hotel Trubble

is the perfect place for your filming needs.

All right, all right. OK, I'll stay here

and then maybe I'll film Dragons' Den here.

But let me get this clear -

I cannae stand anyone getting on me nerves...

We'd never do that, Mr...

-Or interrupt me...

-We'd never interrupt you!

-Or contradict me!

Or anything else, for that matter.

In fact, if any of you lot get on my nerves,

I'm going to leave here,

I'm going to buy this hotel and then you're all fired!

Is that clear?

Of course, no irritations, Mr Banana-Time, I promise.

You'll find Hotel Trubble a very calm and relaxing place.

LOUD CLATTERING

Sir Lenny to the rescue! I'll save us from the fire-breathing monster!

Raa! Waa!

I... We...

Let me show you to your room.

He's not a real dragon, Lenny, he's off the telly.

You know, Dragons' Den?

Oh right. I love that show, me.

I'm always getting these really good ideas. Like this one.

It's my anti- wasp hat.

-Works every time.

-How can you tell?

Can you see any wasps?

No.

Exactly. And I've invented this new shape.

It's a cross between a square and a circle.

I call it a squircle! Clever, eh?

No. Don't bother Mr Banana-Time with any of these silly pitches.

He doesn't want anyone getting on his nerves.

Don't worry, I won't be pitching me ideas to anyone.

I get terrible nerves.

Everyone gets nerves, Lenny.

No, not like me.

I only have to think about standing in front of people,

pitching me ideas until I get more and more nervous

and then suddenly...

FARTING AND WHISTLING

BOOM!

..that happens.

I wasn't expecting that!

Nobody does.

I've got loads of ideas, but I just have to keep them in me head.

Good.

Because if we keep him sweet, he's going to film here, at the hotel.

Ooh! Fame! Fortune!

Celebrity! Here I come.

Yeah. You might just want to wash your face first, though.

What?

SHE SCREAMS

All checked in, Mr Sham.

I do hope you enjoy your stay at Hotel Trubble,

the most relaxing hotel in town.

-I apologise!

-Yeah, you'd better run, Lenny!

I've to do my make-up all over again!

-Very relaxing, indeed.

-Can I ask you for your autograph-f-f-f?

My autograph-f-f-f?

Yes, I collect them, I'm the best in the world.

I will stop at nothing to get an autograph-f-f-f if I really want it.

Look, they're all here, you see?

Sharon Frogspawn.

"Get out of my bins, you freak. Sharon."

Cheryl Mole.

"Stop hiding in my bushes, you're driving me mad. Cheryl."

And of course, the Queen.

"Come near me again and I'll set the Corgis on you.

"This is your final warning. Liz."

Well, you're clearly very persistent.

So why do you want me? I'm not famous.

Ah, you're not famous YET. It's one of my tactics.

If I get the autograph-f-f-f

of everyone I meet and if they then become famous, I've already got it.

-I see.

-So are you going to give me yours,

or am I going to have to follow you around, nagging and nagging

and nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging and nagging

and nagging and nagging... Until you give in?

I'm just going to sign it here.

"To Mr Sham,

"please stop stalking me. Jamie."

-There you go. All yours.

-Thanks.

I'll see myself up.

OK.

Jamie, why are you giving your autograph to that man?

Mr Sham is the world's leading autograph hunter.

I mean, he'll do anything for an autograph.

Let me get this straight,

we've got top celebrity Duncan Banana-Time staying,

the man who could make Hotel Trubble really famous if he films here,

but could also get us all fired if he gets very annoyed,

something which could happen very easily.

I see, I'm with you so far.

Yet you thought it was a good idea

to check in the world's most determined autograph hunter?

If anything is going to wind up Mr Banana-Time,

it's a celebrity stalker.

Yeah but... I mean, he wouldn't...

Oopsie.

Oopsie indeed.

Get rid of him!

But I don't understand. You said the hotel was very quiet!

Did I? Well, it is, because the hotel is full up...

-with a whispering convention.

-Well, I didn't hear them.

-Well you wouldn't, would you?

-Look, this is ridiculous,

this room is empty, why can't I stay here?

Erm...

..the bed is broken.

BED CREAKS

-Well, it seems fine to me.

-No, no, it's broken.

BOING! BOING! BOING!

CREAK! CREAK! CREAK!

CRACK! BOING! CRACK!

Any minute now...

it'll be broken. Any minute.

BOING! BOING! BOING!

Any minute now! Ah! Ah! Oh!

Argh!

BOING!

-The bed is not broken.

-All right! All right.

If you like this room so much, you can stay in it.

And I mean STAY in it.

It's so comfortable in here,

you shouldn't have to leave until it's time to check out. Got that?

I don't care, Deborah, this is the perfect place to film.

-Mr Banana-Time, sir!

-Peter, let me get a word in edge ways.

Oh, be quiet! Theo, no, no.

-Oh, I give up!

-Bad news?

-It's the other Dragons.

They think they have found the perfect place to film

and they willnae listen to me when I say I'VE got the perfect place.

The trouble is, they're wrong and I'm right.

Well, can't you do without them?

If only. Without four Dragons, there's no show.

But does it have to be THOSE Dragons?

What if I told you I could find three new Dragons ready to do the show

right here and then you could be the star of the show?

Star of the show, eh?

Yeah, and you could rename it.

"It's Banana-Time!"

A FUNKY TUNE PLAYS

I like it. I'm in. Right, get me three new Dragons

and a bunch of idiots with inventions

and we'll film right here, this afternoon.

But if you mess me about - you're fired!

Isn't that a different show?

That's The Apprentice.

Oh. Oh, yeah. You're right, good point.

So all we need is three new Dragons,

a stack of cash and a whole load of inventors.

Where are we going to find that?

Well, I know where we can find three Dragons.

-No way!

-Oh, come on, Jamie, we can be on the telly!

But where are we going to get the cash?

Yeah, and what about the inventors?

You...hit the streets.

Find a whole load of inventors and YOU come with me.

-Come on.

-Argh!

LOUD-HAILER SQUEALS

Inventors!

Pleeeeease.

You think I'm letting you loose with Hotel Trubble's money? No way.

It's the only way to get Duncan Banana-Time to film at Hotel Trubble.

The only way you'll get on telly, more like.

Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Look, Sally's got a point, Dolly.

If we want Duncan to film here and make the hotel famous,

we're going to need so get some cash and some Dragons.

-Yeah, and besides we don't have to actually invest in anything.

-Exactly.

It will be for show and we'll give it all back when it's over.

All right, then.

But I want it back. Every penny.

Or it won't be Duncan Banana-Time that gets you fired, it'll be me!

I got the inventors!

Oh, sorry.

Ow!

It's ideal. Really run down. Get a camera crew.

Oh, don't worry about those talentless morons,

I've found a whole new bunch of talentless morons to replace them.

Oh! Mr Sham.

We have to keep him and Duncan apart at all costs. Ideas?

Oh, we could chain Mr Sham to his bedroom radiator.

Ideas that wouldn't get us arrested.

Well, now you're moving the goalposts.

What are you doing?

Oh, just giving you a shoulder massage, you look really tense.

I am really tense, because I'm surrounded by idiots.

I'm trying to put a show together.

You're absolutely right and we've not a moment to lose,

why don't we set them up right now?

That chap looked familiar.

-Do I know his face from somewhere?

-I wouldn't think so.

-Not unless you watch the telly.

-Shut up, Lenny!

If you'll come this way, Mr Sham, I'll explain the whole thing.

OK? Just this way. Keep your eye on reception

and if anyone tries to get near Duncan Banana-Time,

get rid of them, all right? I won't put this filming at risk.

-Well what shall I say?

-Make something up! This way.

Er, you must be here to see Duncan Banana-Time?

-Absolutely.

-Yeah.

If anyone tries to get near Duncan Banana-Time,

-get rid of them, all right?

-I'm afraid you can't see him.

Because, erm, he's gone to the bottom of the sea.

Yeah, bottom of the sea in a little miniature submarine.

What about our inventions?

Look, I don't care if you're inventors

and completely vital to the show, you have got to go.

Look, out! Go on, out!

That is just a light. That doesn't count. Go on!

Right, talk me there through what doing here.

Four chairs, four Dragons.

But all four chairs are identical,

you need four completely different chairs.

Make sure I get the best one.

I know what you're up to, sunbeam.

-You've got someone famous staying here!

-Yes.

-Who?

Have a guess. If there's one person in the entire world

whose autograph you haven't got, but really want, who would that be?

Oh!

Not world-famous magician David Copperbottom?

Yes! That is exactly who it is.

But he's on the other side of the world,

performing with his glamorous assistant, Claudia Chiffon!

Well, he is a magician.

I can get his autograph, if you promise to stay in your room

for the evening. You know, to give him privacy.

-Get me Claudia, too, and it's a deal.

-Sure, both of them, why not?

Just close your eyes, count to 100 and they'll both appear by magic.

All right.

One, two...

Hello, Mr Banana-Time, sorry to barge in.

Before you say a word, everything's fine, no problems.

Can I borrow you? Not you, Mr Banana-Time,

Stay here and get set up. Thank you, goodbye!

I'm sorry, but you can't see Mr Banana-Time, cos he's got, um...

a horribly itchy bum

and it's really infectious, so probably best to stay away.

Thanks.

I shouldn't have said that, I've got an itchy bum now.

-Oh, Jamie, that was the last of the inventors.

-Oh, good work, Lenny.

Ah, he's not Lenny,

he's the world-famous magician, David Copperbottom.

Er, no, Jamie. It's definitely me, Lenny.

Has he been working too hard?

No, no, no, listen, Mr Sham is in there,

waiting for an autograph from the world-famous magician,

David Copperbottom.

Brilliant idea!

And his glamorous assistant, Claudia Chiffon.

Terrible idea!

Come on, Sally, please.

If he gets your autograph-f-f-fs...

autograph-f-f-fs...

Autograph-f-f-fs?

Yeah, those. Anyway, if he gets those,

He's promised to stay in his room for the night.

-Oh, OK then!

-Yeah, but what I'm saying is

that I don't look anything like a...

magician.

-..98, 99...

-Now, THAT'S magic.

..100!

What an entrance!

I am the world famous magician, David Copperbottom.

And this is my glamorous assistant, Sally... Ooh!

My glamorous and unpredictably violent assistant, Claudia Chiffon.

Oh, my goodness. I think you're both amazing.

Would you sign my autograph-f-f-f book?

Yes, of course.

Hey, presto! It's a pen!

We bid you good day, mortal man.

Don't go!

Do another trick. Please.

OK. One more, but you have to go to your room straight afterwards.

-I promise.

-What are you doing? I don't know any more magic tricks.

It's all right Lenny,

just imagine you're in front of the Dragons,

presenting one of your inventions.

HE FARTS

Ta-da!

Oh!

Oh, amazing! Oh.

Magic.

Thanks, guys. Great stuff.

-See you later.

-Bye.

Well done, you two.

Now Mr Sham's out of the way,

the filming can start once the inventors get here.

-The inventors?

-That's right, Lenny.

The ones you told me to get rid of so they didn't annoy Mr Banana-Time?

That's right... What?

What? No... I didn't say that.

Er, yes, you did.

If anyone tries to get near Duncan Banana-Time,

-gets rid of them, all right?

-See.

I didn't mean...

But there's no time to find any replacements.

OK. OK. There's only one thing we can do.

Chain Mr Banana-Time to his bedroom radiator!

Stop trying to solve all your problems that way.

No, I mean Lenny is going to have to pitch HIS inventions to Duncan.

No way, not going to happen Jamie.

Well, hang on.

This, Lenny, is a magical feather.

-Like in Dumbo.

-Oh, wow!

Ooh!

# Come fly with me

# Let's fly, let's away... #

CRUNCH!

Not exactly like Dumbo.

It doesn't make you fly. But it can, it can magically cure nerves.

Oh, brilliant.

I'll go and get me inventions now. Thanks, Jamie!

Right, where are these Dragons you promised me?

Here we are, Mr Banana-Time.

Just the two of you?

Ah, not to worry, that only leaves Theo Profiterole

and I know exactly what to replace him with.

Just remember, this is my show.

No-one's allowed to look better than me. Got that?

No-one.

Right, run titles.

'These people are Dragons.

'Big, scary Dragons, with sackfuls of money.

'Duncan Banana-Time made millions selling ice-cream to Eskimos.

'At school, he won the hairy back competition three years running.

'In fact, he's the best at absolutely everything.

'Peter Bones made a fortune dressing like a stick of seaside rock.

'He owns several electrical appliance companies

'making Britain's largest fridge magnet.

'But he is not quite as good as Duncan.

Deborah Sneezdon made her money in the retail and leisure industries,

'because she prefers shopping and taking holidays to doing work.

'Theo Profiterole just sits there and does nothing.

'He's useless.

It's Banana Time.

Hello, my name's Lenny.

I'm here to show you my new invention - a cold water bottle.

Here it is.

I'll to stop you. I don't care about your product,

I don't like the way you said hello and for that reason, I'm out.

-I'm out.

-I'm out.

-I'm out.

-I actually have a lot of contacts in this field.

Could you tell me more about...

You're not trying to upstage me, are you?

Of course she isn't. Are you?

I'm out.

Hello?

Is anyone there?

My TV's on the blink!

Hello!

Fruit with the...thingies and the...

'Lenny Lemon has been pitching to the Dragons for the last 14 hours.

'He hasn't received a single offer of any his inventions.

'How much longer can the Dragons endure?'

Without doubt, these are the worst inventions I've seen.

I once saw a pitch for scratch-and-sniff toilet paper.

If you don't have anything better, I'm calling the whole thing off.

Oh, no, wait.

Oh, there is this. It's a magic feather.

-What does that do?

-It cures your nerves.

Oh, a magic feather? Let's have a look.

Oh, no, the it's best if I keep hold of it.

Rubbish!

I won't invest in something unless I try it myself.

-I really don't think you should do that.

-Oh, and why not?

FARTING AND WHISTLING

BOOM!

No! Mr Profiterole!

Oh! Where's his head?! Speak to me!

He was one day from retirement!

It's too late, Lenny. I'm afraid he's gone.

-No!

-What's going on?

Oh, wait, you're Duncan Banana-Time!

You're brilliant, you are! Hello!

Hold on. I quite like this fellow.

Now that's how you say hello. What have you got for me?

What do you want? Anything for you.

Do you know how refreshing it is to hear that?

People come in here and it's just,

"Take, take, take, give us your money."

No-one's ever asked me what I'd like before.

-How much money are you looking for?

-Well, I don't want any money.

I want your autograph-f-f-f.

Listen to this man, such humility.

I'm going to make you an offer -

£100,000 in return for 50% of any future inventions?

-How does that sound?

-Well, that sounds...

very nice.

£200,000 for 50%.

Sally, what are you doing?

That's the hotel's money, you can't spend it!

Hey, I'm just bored. Anyway, banana face won't let me outbid him.

250,000 for 40% of your business.

500,000 for 1%.

What? That's madness!

I'm out.

Eh? What?

If you think you can profit from a deal like that,

then good luck to you.

Congratulations.

Oh, this is terrible!

Things can't get any worse.

Oh, wait! I have not shown you my anti-wasp hat yet.

Things can always get worse.

Anti-wasp hat? How does that work?

-Allow me to demonstrate.

-No. No, no, no, no, no. No!

WASPS BUZZ

THEY SCREAM

What a disaster!

We outbid Duncan Banana-Time on his own show.

And then released a swarm of wasps on him.

Let's not forget we gave all our money to a celebrity stalker.

Yeah, I was... I was hoping we could forget that bit.

Oh, I dinnae think so,

You see, now the hotel is penniless,

I'm going to buy it out and you three, I'll fire.

-ALL:

-No!

SHE SINGS TUNELESSLY

Don't mind me, just passing through on my way to cleaning up the mess.

How did you know we'd make a mess?

Because you always do, dear.

Excuse me, granny. What's that you got there?

This is my zoom broom.

Cleans up three times faster.

Well, you need it with this lot.

I can see that taking off in a big way. Can I make you an offer?

Oh, no, dear. No, no, no.

This is not for sale.

I wouldn't sell this for a million pounds.

Er, Mrs P...

Could I have a world?

HE WHISPERS

WHISPERS: Oh, all right!

As I was saying is, I wouldn't sell this for a million pounds,

but I would sell it for enough money

to replace what these bumbling clowns took out of the safe.

And a promise that you'll leave the hotel alone?

-Deal.

-Done.

Oh, nice one, Mrs P.

Money.

-Yes.

-And more money. And money.

-Yes. Right. There we go.

I'm going put this back in the safe,

before YOU find any other way of losing it.

That was close.

Now, let's get back to work

and don't want to anyone to mention inventions ever again.

-Oh, well, I guess it's goodbye to my anti-wasp hat then.

-No! No!

See, I told you it worked!

THEY SCREAM

TELEPHONE RINGS

They're in my hair!

Hello, hello. Ow! Hotel Trubble.

# Hotel Trubble forever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck but we love it

# Hotel Trubble forever

# We're a team staying calm

# Arm in arm so the hotel survives

# Trubble Trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #