The Musical Hotel Trubble

Welcome to Hotel Trubble. Meet Sally, our receptionist.

Trying to have a conversation here.

And this is Lenny. He's a man of many talents.

This is Dolly, she's Mr Trubble's fiancee.

And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.

Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

# Hotel Trubble for ever

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck, but we love it

# Hotel Trubble for ever

# We're a team staying calm arm in arm

# So the hotel survives trubble, trubble

# Keep the hotel alive. #

Wow, I can't believe Jamie's pulled it off.

Jedward lookalikes Jim and Eleanor staying here at Hotel Trubble!

It's not Jim and Eleanor, it's Jeleanor. One word.

Jeleanor.

Like cheese and onion would be "chonion".

Or nice and easy would be "neasy".

Yeah, and chicken and chips would be chips.

Sort of, yeah.

I'm going to enjoy entertainment Thursday

almost as much as I enjoyed tidy-your-office Tuesday.

-Let's hope they don't cancel.

-They won't.

PHONE RINGS

Jamie soon-to-be-manager after the success of entertainment Thursday.

BABBLING

What, sir? Yeah, OK.

That's great. All right, bye.

They've cancelled?

They've cancelled.

We just have to postpone entertainment Thursday.

But Mr Trubble is sending the potential investor

and this is the only Thursday he can do - we can't cancel.

We need a replacement like...now.

May I make a suggestion?

-I thought perhaps I could do my coin trick.

-I'm not sure...

Just let me show you.

DRUM ROLL

Ta-dah!

It's not quite what we're looking for.

Jamie, I've got something.

-I can fit all 12 of my fingers inside my mouth.

-Hang on, 12?

I know it sounds hard, but just watch this.

BONES CRACK

OK, here goes. One..

Sorry, I haven't done it in a while. I'll have another try.

It's harder than I remember.

Just to sum up...

you can only fit one finger inside your mouth.

Yeah, well, almost.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie...

We all know that there's only one star in this room, that's me.

Picture this.

Entertainment Thursday, Sally live.

-That's it.

-I thought he would be harder to convince!

-We'll do a musical.

-That is not what I meant.

I'll direct it. It'll be about the hotel as the central location,

featuring songs about the hotel

and everyone at the hotel doing hotel-based things.

What will we call it, though? I know.

We'll call it...

I want to be a POP star.

Musicals are lame.

Especially ones set in a hotel. What are you going to have?

# Let's all scream and howl

# Someone's stolen a towel. # It'll be rubbish!

That is a good lyric.

When this gets back to Mr Trubble, he'll definitely promote me.

And - whatever you do - don't mention it to Dolly.

She'll only try and take over.

She's so bossy and you know I hate people that are bossy.

SO! Do what I say and whatever you do, don't tell her.

Make sure you turn up to auditions in half an hour or there'll be trouble.

Got it?

Ugh!

A musical, eh? Well, well, well.

-I hate them!

-What?

-Musicals, of course!

-Don't tell me you like them?

-Who, me? No.

I hate the way they form on the end of your nose in winter.

That's icicles. I'm talking about musicals, Lenny.

Musicals, they're so silly and unrealistic.

# I hate how they burst into song all the time

# It's stupid and it makes me fume

# Cos one minute they're talking, but here's the crime

# The next thing you know they're singing some awful show tune

# I don't care what they tell me, I don't care what they say

# It just ain't realistic

# At all

# All of a sudden we change location

# For no reason at all

# Oh, look, there's a nun on vacation

# We're walking along now but why stop at walking?

# There's room for a two-step, a waltz while we're talking

# I don't care what they tell me, I don't care what they say

# It just ain't realistic at all

# And then the finale, the big final song

# We've all got to join in and help sing along

# But how do I know the words?

# That doesn't matter!

# And how do we know these moves?

# And before we both know it we can hardly believe

# We're singing together in sweet harmony

# We don't care what they tell us, we don't care what they say

# It just ain't realistic

# At all!

# It just ain't realistic at all. #

That's the musicals, and I can promise you

I won't be auditioning and nothing is going to change my mind.

By the way, the potential investor is bringing a plus one.

He's a Hollywood talent scout.

Where's the audition again?

The character you're auditioning for, the part of Sally.

She's a tough cookie. Can you be tough, sweetheart?

-Grrrr!

-She's also light.

Plus, she can pirouette. Good. Now try the line.

-Hello? Hotel Trubble?

-Cut!

I don't believe it, Sally.

I need to believe that YOU are a receptionist in the hotel.

I need YOU to imagine that you are that person.

-But I AM that person.

-That's the spirit! Now show me.

-Hello? Hotel Trubble?

-OK, OK, OK.

Just go with me on this. I'm going to throw some things out there.

Do it like you're French.

-Bonjour!

-No. Try it like a doctor.

-Hello.

-She's a receptionist, not a doctor.

-But you just...

-Never mind. Next!

Now, Lenny. You're auditioning for the part of...

..Lenny.

Lenny's rather a clueless simpleton,

-doesn't really understand basic concepts.

-I don't get it.

That's perfect! The part is yours.

Oh, yeah!

Sally, seeing as no one else wants to audition for the part of Sally,

I'm offering you...

Not so fast, Buster!

I just want a chance to audition, like everybody else.

I don't want any special treatment,

even though I'm Mr Trubble's girlfriend, and he's your boss,

-and I could get you sacked.

-Fine. See what you got.

I want to be the most famousest person in the world!

Listen to what I can do!

SHE SCREAMS

That's someone texting me to tell me how brilliant I am!

Florence the Tractor comes to me for my fashion tips.

-It's Florence and the Machine!

-OK, OK.

No, Jamie! I'm sorry, but are you going to let her get away with THAT?

I've made my decision.

Sally, I'm sorry, sweetheart...

..but you're not going to have to not be getting up earlier this week

because you've not been successful in failing to convince me that you're not the right person

to persuade me not to give you this part.

What?!

-You got the part.

-SHE SCREAMS

(SINGS) I'm going to be famous! I'm going to be famous!

-What do you think you're doing?

-You said no special treatment.

That was just an expression, you mental head!

I got the part!

Of course I want special treatment! I want it now!

Dolly, I'm sorry, sweetheart,

I don't mean to be rude, but you were really rubbish.

I got the part!

I see.

Let me just tell you something.

If I'm not in it, you're not allowed to do it.

The show is cancelled.

And if I smell so much as a leg warmer...

I'll tell Mr Trubble.

Who does he think he is,

that jumped-up little dumbwit bellboy?!

I'll teach him!

PHONE RINGS

Oh, hello. Lord Lloyd-Blubber,

famous West End theatre impresario and all-round man about town?

It is he.

Oh, thank goodness for that!

Andy, it's Dolly.

Flaming jazz hands!

-Dolly! My yummy Brummie!

-I need to ask you a favour, Andy.

Ah-ah-ah-ah! It's Your Lordship now.

Your...Lordship.

Look, I know you have a glittering career as...

a famous West End theatre impresario and all-round man about town,

but I have a little project for you.

So, our musical's been cancelled.

Fine. But let me tell you this -

we're going to carry on rehearsing the musical in secret.

(What about Dolly?)

She won't notice! You know what she's like.

She didn't even notice when we turned the whole hotel into stables.

Whoa! This place is a pigsty!

Well, I'm as happy as a pig in...mud!

So she certainly won't notice this.

Plus, we'll be very quiet.

OK, let's get started!

-Jamie?

-Yep.

-Can I not just do my song?

-No.

Yeah, but, I don't really get Lenny. I mean, like this -

it says here on page six, "Lenny immediately falls over."

That's not realistic! And then there's this -

"Lenny sees a cream cake

"and immediately forgets what he was doing."

I would never do that, and...

Ooh! A cream cake!

Right, first positions, everybody.

Come on! Quickly!

Dear me, Jamie!

This directing lark is going to your head, rather.

I hope you don't start being needlessly mean to everybody.

Of course not! What do you take me for?

Anyway, you don't need to worry, Mrs P.

You're too old and unsightly for acting. You're on piano.

Sirius, you can turn the pages.

All right, now, scene one,

all throughout the hotel, silence.

-What are you all doing in here?!

-We're rehearsing.

-An auction.

We're rehearsing an auction.

Sold! To the old woman on the piano.

What's happening?

I don't know, I was as confused doing the musical.

I knew it! Well, two can play at that game.

Please welcome the famous West End theatre impresario

and all-round man about town, Andrew Lloyd Blubber.

It's Your Lordship. Lord Lloyd Blubber.

-Tired now, need cake.

-How do you like them apples?

Oh, you brought apples? Please let them be toffee apples.

-It's a saying, Lenny.

-0h, why must I always be disappointed?

Wow! Lord Lloyd Blubber.

You are my all-time favourite West End theatre impresario

and all-round man about town ever!

I loved your show The Hound Of Music!

Teaching that Labradoodle to sing...

-..my proudest moment.

-What are you doing here?!

Are you here to direct the musical? Please tell me you are.

Indeed I am.

Not so fast, missy.

-Lord Lloyd Blubber is here to direct my musical.

-You're doing a musical?

That's right. Picture it.

An Audience With Dolly.

It's going to be sensational.

So, you continue with your pathetic excuse for a show if you like.

Come Entertainment Thursday, my musical will thrash yours.

SHE SCREAMS

Fine, you're on.

-YOU'RE on.

-YOU'RE on.

Can I be on, too?

-On what?

-You'll come to regret your little challenge, Dolly.

My show is going to be fantastic.

Brilliant lyrics with a cast that's 100% committed.

Let me be in your show, please!

Please, please!

Sally?

I'm sorry, Jamie.

But this show is going to be a smash hit sensation.

It's got Andy Lloyd Blubber!

'Scuse me, can we all get this straight - it's Your Lordship.

Nice try, but no. Come on, Lordy.

We've got magic to create.

I hope you're looking forward

to your professional humiliation, Jamie?

Please don't leave me with these no-hopers!

# I've got Trubble on my mind

# Mr Trubble on my mind

# I'm just a woman of a certain age

# He's just a man

# What is his age?

# Well I guess he's the wrong side of 68... #

-How was that?

-Terrible! Shocking!

-I knew it.

-Sorry, I was just listening to the football results.

As for your performance, Dolly, dearest,

here are my notes.

We're going to need

some golden statues.

-What?

-Some lovely golden statues of me.

No set looks complete without at least 25 golden statues.

Every West End show has them. Cats has 50.

What about the table? Shouldn't I fix that before we...?

WE are doing a show,

not some table party!

We need to splash out.

-Splash out.

-That's what the audience expects.

Didn't you mention something about the Hotel Trubble emergency fund?

Yeah, I'm not meant to touch that, you see, Mr Trubble would be angry.

Angry? Well, in that case,

hello, is that Starlight Express?

Yes, I think I will be free now.

No! OK!

As long as we can pay it back at the end out of the ticket sales.

Magnifico. Scene 42.

-Sally!

-OK, so you said there wasn't a part for me, but...

-What is going on?

-I really want a part! I can do anything.

Come to think of it, there could be a part,

a very small one,

but a very, very important part.

Yes!

But Lord Lloyd Blubber...

Trust me, Dolly dearest.

I am after all a famous theatre impresario and man about town.

Remember?

OK, team, we're one down.

You all witnessed what happened with Sally. I wish her well.

OK, scene nine. Listen, Sally, shhh.

I will hush your mouth with a...

with a kiss.

# Wise men say... #

With a kiss.

# ..Only fools rush in

# But I can't help... #

Oh, no, I can't watch this.

And I can't do it. I quit!

This script is the biggest load of guff!

# I've got trouble on my mind

# I call him to tell him I think he's the one

# He phones me right back

# Oh great, are those invoices done?

# I tell him he's special

# The best guy by far

# But he'd just says the hotel

# Needs one extra star-ar-ar

# Oh, Trubbly wubbly... # Oi!

# While crouching down I'm on all fours

# While she's the one that he adores

# I'm a table leg that feels neglected

# Why can't my talent be respected? #

Cut music!

How dare you improvise during my song?

Dolly! This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me

and I'm wasting it being a quarter of a piece of furniture!

Please, Andy! I mean, please Lord,

find me another part.

Oh, she's right, Dolly, love,

we'll find her something else.

I am not going to be upstaged by her during my show!

I promise you, she won't.

And must I do everything myself? Can we get some emerald swans?

It's all looking very bare in here.

Lenny, so, you're now playing a number of characters. Sally.

-Hello, my lovely.

-Mr Trubble.

HE BABBLES

-Mrs Poshington.

-Hello, my lovely.

-And of course, Lenny.

-I still don't get him.

You're going to need a whole lot of training.

Nevertheless, I shall persevere.

It ain't over until the man dressed as an unconvincing woman sings.

-Are you saying I can do my song?

-No. We will stick to the script.

From the top, if you will.

-Read it out loud!

-All right. Calm down!

I can't stand it any more!

I can't work like this with such...such idiots!

-Don't listen to him. I think you're doing a great job.

-You!

I'm talking about you! That's it. You know what? You're fired!

I'll make it a one-man musical and I'll still demolish the opposition.

You see if I don't!

Glad you all saw sense and quit Jamie's show.

An audience with Dolly will show off your talents quite nicely.

Oh, Sally, I'm so glad you're happy with your new part.

Every show needs a fruit bowl.

So, loves, we open tomorrow.

How's everybody feeling?

So excited! It's only 24 hours

until Trubbly Wubbly will know how diva-tastic I am.

Now, there's just one last tiny, teeny-weeny thing I...

er - WE - need.

A getaway car.

A getaway car?

Why would this show need a getaway car?

Well, you're going to have to sign so many autographs at the stage door

there'll be a crush and you'll need a very good getaway car.

Do you think I'm going to be that popular?

Oh, the people are going to love your...thick hair.

I'm just certain of it.

But that will use up all the emergency fund.

Hello. Is that the Phantom Of the Opera?

No! I'll go and get the car.

Brilliant, mon ami. Everybody take five.

-Lord Lloyd Blubber?

-Do I know you?

Yes. I'm in the show. I wanted to talk to you, if that's OK?

Well, that depends -

do you have any cake?

-No.

-Well, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go.

It's half past sponge.

# I hear this voice, it's deep inside

# It's telling me to keep on trying

# But everybody laughs at me

# And says I should give in

# But I'm sick of doing what I'm told

# Oh, sick of feeling nine years old

# Stopping now I ain't going to be pushed around

# I'm gonna make my mark

# A real big hitter

# Be the most popular person on Twitter

# A Z-list celebrity

# An obnoxious, stroppy VIP

# I'm going to make my mark Things will change

# I'm going to get my own supermarket clothing range

# No-one's gonna tear my dreams apart

# I'm going to make my mark

# I'm gonna write my column in Heat

# Pay six buff guys just to wash my feet

# I'm gonna live my life like a queen

# With my prince and my Jag and my pink limousine

# Oh-oh-oh

# I'm gonna make my mark. #

Eh!

SHE SCREAMS

-What is it?!

-Everything's gone!

Guys, you better take a look at this.

-Oh, it can't be!

-I know, a cat playing snooker!

No, not that, the front page, Lenny!

-Wow! Looks just like Hotel Trubble.

-BOTH: It IS Hotel Trubble.

Wow.

-You still thinking about the cat?

-How does it know about the colours?!

Can't believe Lord Lloyd Blubber would do such a thing.

All the money's gone, the emergency fund. The investor will be here

in five minutes and we don't have a show.

Aren't you forgetting my show?

You were wrong to underestimate me, Dolly.

I guarantee my musical will not only get all the money back,

it'll make thousands more in CD sales. It's that good.

Jamie, you're the only person left in your show.

It'll be an unmitigated disaster. People will pelt fruit and veg.

Oh, you think so?! Then let me prove you wrong once and for all.

Never fear, it is I, Jamie.

-the handsome soon-to-be manager bellboy.

-Boo!

I have been in my office doing important work for the hotel.

This is nonsense! He's making a fool of himself.

At least he hasn't been hit by a lettuce.

I take it all back. I should've never got...

so carried away with my own self-importance.

And I shouldn't have put on this awful show.

-Can I stop being hit by food now, please?

-What are we going to do?

Don't worry, Dolly, I'll take it from here.

# Sometimes we let things get us down

# Sometimes the world can make us wear a frown

# But I've got a treat that you can't ignore

# Learnt how to do it when I was born

# First you take one finger

# Then you take another finger

# Then you take another finger

# Then you take the rest of your fingers and shove them in your mouth

# And now you've stuck your fingers inside your mouth

# Munching on your hands is what it's all about

# Tell me how this world could be a stressful place

# When you've got all your fingers

# Stuffed in your face

# We've got a treat that you can't ignore

# Learnt how to do it when we were born

# We've stuffed all our fingers inside our mouths

# Munching on your hands

# Is what it's all about

# Tell me how this world could be a stressful place

# When you've got all your fingers

# Stuffed in your face. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk