Offensive Hotel Trubble


Offensive

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Transcript


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'Meet Sally, our receptionist.'

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Trying to have a conversation here!

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'And this is Lenny, a man of many talents.

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'This is Dolly. She's Mr Trubble's...fiancee.

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'And this is Mrs Poshington, the new cleaner.'

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Which just leaves me, Jamie. I'm the bellboy.

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# Hotel Trubble for ever

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# It's the pits and we know we're stuck

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# But we love it

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# Hotel Trubble for ever

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# We're a team, staying calm On and on

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# So the hotel survives Trubble, Trubble

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# Keep the hotel alive. #

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No way! That's the rudest photo I've ever seen!

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It's not as rude as that one!

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Have they no shame?

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Hey, guys. What you looking at?

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Nothing.

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"The World's Rudest Photographs". You can't read this in reception.

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Jamie, but it's so good. Look at this one.

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A picture of a boy speaking with his mouth full!

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-Oh! That IS rude!

-Look at this one.

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A girl not writing thank you letters for her Christmas presents!

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-It's shocking!

-And this one.

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Ah!

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Three hotel staff reading a magazine and ignoring all the guests!

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That's exceptionally rude. Probably the worst thing I've ever heard.

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Oh! Guests!

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Um... We weren't ignoring you.

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Relax, darling. I haven't heard anyone complaining.

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Are you sure? Don't you think we're a bit lax with our customer care?

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No. You're looking at it wrong.

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Bon appetit.

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It's a cruel world out there, Jamie.

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Bad things happen. If we can't prepare our guests

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for the disappointments of life,

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how will they survive?

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-We're doing them a favour.

-Oh, no!

-KLAXON

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It can't be. It's...

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The "really bad news" phone. It's Mr Trubble.

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Dolly.

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-Dolly. Dolly.

-ANGRY VOICE ON PHONE

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Hello, Trubbly. ANGRY VOICE

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Oh. My. Goodness.

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This is the worst really bad news ever.

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Auntie Phyllis is coming to stay!

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Who's Auntie Phyllis?

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This is Auntie Phyllis Trubble.

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Fearsome, disapproving, moral bastion of the Trubble family.

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On her last visit, she didn't approve of me.

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Or Lenny.

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Although she did seem to like Sally.

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But only for 2.8 seconds.

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Phyllis has just found out that Mr Trubble's got a new girlfriend.

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She's on her way here now. If she doesn't like Dolly,

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or she's offended by the way she's looking after the hotel,

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Mr Trubble will blame us and turn the hotel into a bear sanctuary.

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-This is a bear sanctuary.

-GROWLING

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-Any questions?

-Yeah. When's the next train to Helsinki?

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Come on, guys. It's not that bad.

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Auntie Phyllis just hates any form of rudeness or discourtesy.

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OK. Yeah, it IS that bad.

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We can still make this hotel respectable again.

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Come on, guys! Plenty of hotels are less upstanding than this.

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Like those hotels that lock their guests up.

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-Those are prisons, Lenny.

-Right. Is this not a prison?

-No.

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I'd better, er, let Mr Wilkinson out of solitary, then.

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# He used to give me roses

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# I wish he could again... #

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-We'll never get sorted out in time.

-Yes, we will.

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We just need some exciting music! Cue exciting music.

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MUSIC: Theme from Mission Impossible

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-We need doilies, tea, scones and the best china.

-Yes, sir!

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And stop using old pants as dusters!

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Lenny, starch the uniforms, hide the rude photos

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and tell Chef to stop leaving fish to defrost in the lobby.

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-Ay ay, sir.

-Dolly, you have to be the perfect hostess.

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-Find some guests and practise being polite.

-I'm on it!

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Look what you're doing...is perfect.

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Show me how you do it.

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-And what about me, Jamie?

-Slight problem.

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-You're fired. Why?

-What have I done now?

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Nothing. You were fired two years ago, the last time Phyllis was here.

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-We had to pretend we'd fired you to calm her down.

-Right.

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-Won't she be really cross when she finds me still working here?

-Well...

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That's why I got you this.

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Ha-ha-ha-ha! You've GOT to be kidding.

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-You weren't kidding.

-Let's practise. Your name?

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-MUMBLES

-In the nice voice.

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Miss Harriet Charmington, pleasure to make your acquaintance.

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Excellent. Put your fan in front of your face.

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And if in doubt, give it a flutter and a coy giggle.

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Huh-huh-huh.

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Little bit more totally different.

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-He-he-he-he.

-Perfect.

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-All done. And I've clingfilmed all the toilets.

-Good work.

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Jamie, I've got so much starch in this collar I can't breathe.

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CHOKES

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That's everything. There's nothing that Auntie can disapprove of.

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I've just remembered!

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-We've got Mr and Mrs Bombhead booked in this afternoon.

-Don't worry.

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I've cancelled their reservations.

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I've also told Mr Parpypants, Mrs Bosoms

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and Dr Burp that we're booked until April.

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I haven't cancelled a Lady Gaahouse,

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who sounded lovely company for our esteemed visitor.

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-Lady Gaahouse here?

-Yeah. Have you heard of her?

-Of course! She's...

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La-a-a-ady

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Gaahouse!

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ROCK MUSIC

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KISSES

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BLOWS NOSE

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Can we help you?

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AMERICAN ACCENT: Sure. Get on your hands and knees - now!

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I'm the internationally famous pop star, Lady Gaahouse.

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You're just a bunch of jerks who have to do what I say.

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Hey. I hate your trousers.

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Right, here's the deal!

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My record company want to take a photo for my new album

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in a crummy second-rate hotel - looks like this joint fits the bill.

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How dare you? This is a crummy third-rate hotel!

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-Allow me to escort you from the premises.

-Even better!

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We need to empty some trash cans, smash up some furniture.

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It'll be perfect!

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-MUMBLES:

-Lady Gaahouse, I love you.

-Who's this frilly freak?

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I don't dress like this. They made me do it.

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-Please let me hang out with you.

-Get that loser off my case!

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Cut loose, sister. You're as boring as the old crone in the car park.

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ALL: Auntie?!

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It's Auntie.

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-She's coming this way.

-Get rid of her.

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You need to go in here.

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-Why?

-Because we're cleaning in here.

-So what?

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-She's coming closer.

-We clean with, um...

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-Fire.

-Yes. Fire.

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We clean with fire. We just get a big...

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flame thrower and burn off all the dirt.

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Our guests sometimes, not always, they get incinerated.

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Well, in that case, I guess I'd better go in here.

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She's getting really close. There's no flames in here, right?

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I'm finding that burning dirt a bit weird.

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All our guests do.

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-Really, really close.

-What's going on in here?

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And she's arrived! Oh, Auntie Phyllis!

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Welcome to our humble establishment.

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Why has your porter got no trousers on?

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-Well...

-We thought...

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you might like to inspect his legs.

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-Oh.

-Yes. What do you think?

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Strong conditioning but...

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-..a bit too freckly for my liking.

-That's what we thought.

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-Trouser yourself immediately.

-All right! Ow!

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Now, which one of you two has the cheek

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to be going out with my nephew?

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I see.

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Hm. Decent head of hair.

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Strong teeth.

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Hm, traces of ear wax.

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But within acceptable limits.

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-And who is this?

-Er...

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This is Harriet Charmington,

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our receptionist.

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Hm. Delightful!

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He-he-he-he!

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CRASH >

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Stop!

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-What are you doing?

-Smashing up the hotel.

-Why?

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I'm a rock star. It's in my contract.

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Can't you tidy up hotels instead?

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Boring!

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-Please, you have to leave.

-But I haven't finished smashing.

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-We'll smash it for you after you've gone.

-What about my album cover?

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I need a picture of me in a dirty vandalised hotel.

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Or...or what about a picture of you leaving a clean intact hotel

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very quickly, out of this window?

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Listen, blondie. Quit pushing me around or you know what I'll do?

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I'm gonna start dating you! Do you want me to do that?

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Do you wanna introduce me to your mom at your nana's birthday party?

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I'll do whatever you say. Please don't be my girlfriend.

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What on Earth is going on in here?

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Er...

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This is the TV room.

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And the reason it's in such a mess

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is to show what happens to your mind

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when you watch too much TV.

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Yes. It's a warning to the guests.

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Why is the television on the floor?

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To stop anyone looking at the mindless rubbish

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that comes out of it!

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Excellent.

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-That's how I have mine.

-DOLLY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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-And who is this garish person?

-Who am I? Who are you?

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-This is Lady Gaahouse!

-Oh. Of the Henley Gaahouses?

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No.

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-Dreadful people. I can't abide them. Where did you school?

-School?

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-Listen, Grandma...

-Look! Out of the window!

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-What is it?

-Thought I saw a...vicar.

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-A vicar?

-Yes. Doing a lovely sermon.

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Come and have a look. This way.

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It's just out there on the...

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Oh. The lovely local one.

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Nonsense! I see no vicar!

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Oh! What a shame!

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We must have startled him.

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-Quite shy, vicars.

-Yeah.

-Keep looking. I'm sure he'll come back.

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Take her out!

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What? Take her coat? Oh. Thank you, man.

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What on Earth are you doing?

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I'm...

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airing the table cloth. It was about to start to smell a bit musty.

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About to start to smell?

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Would you like to smell it?

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WHISPERS: You'd better get rid of that pop star now or you are fired!

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Please!

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Lady Gaahouse, would you like to see my collection of apple cores?

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- OK. Sure. - Oh, great.

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I can't smell anything.

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Ooh. It's gone.

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Well, you know, that's airing for you.

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Is this, like, your room?

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No. This is one of the rooms in the hotel but I hang out here.

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It's like my secret den. Look.

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- Cool. - There's also this.

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This is my oldest apple core.

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It's almost a month old.

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Right, you want to stay in the hotel? Stay in here.

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Smash it up as much as you want but stay in here. Keep her in here.

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-Can I smash it up as well?

-No.

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That guy's a dufus. You gotta break free.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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RING, RING, RING, RING # I can hear the bells... #

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22 seconds. Very slow.

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I am severely disappointed, Dolly. You must bring your staff to heel.

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-Where is your naughty step?

-We don't have...

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Just as I thought. You are mollycoddling them.

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Fortunately, I brought my own.

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You! Sit!

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Discipline.

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You must be strict if you want to be good enough for my little chuckie.

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You have made some improvements in the staffing.

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Miss Charmington here is a vast improvement

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on that awful girl that was on reception last time.

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Oh, she was dreadful.

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The rudest, coarsest, most vulgar degenerate

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I have ever had the displeasure to deal with

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in my entire lifetime.

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And the dress sense!

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Why! Even the filthiest tramp would shudder at the thought of wearing.

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Disgusting.

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I've just about had...

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Back on your step!

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Miss Charmington.

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-You please me.

-He-he-he-he-he!

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I've decided that you will be my companion

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for the remainder of my stay.

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-Will you take high tea with me, Auntie Phyllis?

-Very well.

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I shall grill you on your upbringing and prospects.

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You'd better have got rid of that Lady Gaahouse

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or you can kiss your job goodbye!

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She's gone. She's gone.

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Sally, help me. I was lying, OK? Lady Gaahouse is upstairs.

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She's still planning on shooting her album cover.

0:17:190:17:22

Don't let Auntie Phyllis go up. What are you doing?

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I'm not doing this any more, Jamie.

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If Lady Gaahouse is shooting her album cover, I want to be on it.

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You can't...

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Don't...!

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RING, RING, RING

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# Good morning! I gotta get runnin'! #

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Nine seconds. That's an improvement.

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You see, that is the power of the naughty step, darling.

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Now you, go and get us some tea and scones.

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-Where's that lovely receptionist? Bring her here!

-Yes, madam.

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So, tell me, why exactly do you talk in that horrible voice?

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Please, please, please let me be on your album cover!

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-Dunno. Say please more times.

-Please, please.

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Please, please, please, please.

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Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PLEASE!

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-No.

-Please.

0:18:240:18:26

Oh, OK. You're in.

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SCREAMS

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What are you doing?

0:18:300:18:33

I said photos in the room!

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The room sucks. I'm doing it here. I'm cool now.

0:18:360:18:41

Lenny! Get out of that ridiculous costume!

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-You have to be Harriet Charmington.

-No way. You're not the boss of me.

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You tell him, Lenny. He's so uncool.

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You look like some sort of massive bellboy.

0:18:540:18:57

I AM a bellboy. Lenny, please. We have to impress Auntie...

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No, Jamie. I'm free.

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I do what Lady Gaahouse tells me.

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I need him for my album cover.

0:19:070:19:09

-Nobody looks weirder in that costume than him.

-Oh, really?

0:19:090:19:14

Hey. You were right.

0:19:140:19:16

This lady's got something real special.

0:19:160:19:20

Why do you always embarrass me? RING, RING, RING

0:19:240:19:28

# You can ring my bell Ring my bell... #

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15 seconds. Naughty step!

0:19:340:19:37

-But...

-Step!

0:19:370:19:39

Ah, Miss Charmington. Please, take a seat beside me.

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GIGGLES

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Such modesty. Do not be frightened, my dear.

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-Please.

-Ooh.

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You!

0:20:050:20:07

Back on the step!

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So, what has Dolly been doing to refine your manners so?

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WHISPERS: Why is Lenny in the costume? Where's Sally?

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She's...emigrated to Hatfield.

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Emigrated? Why?

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She just wanted a new life.

0:20:280:20:31

-Start again somewhere exotic.

-CRASH

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-What's that?

-Er... That will probably be a postcard arriving.

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From Sally.

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About Hatfield. I'll go and see what it says.

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Aaargh!

0:20:500:20:53

-What's going on?

-I can't work with these amateurs!

0:20:530:20:58

This can't take direction. This keeps standing in front of me!

0:20:580:21:02

All I'm saying is it would work better if it's just a picture of me.

0:21:020:21:07

-Whose album is this?

-I am sick of you ogling the limelight!

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-This is my big chance!

-You've got this much talent.

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-And you've got THIS much talent!

-SCREAMS

0:21:150:21:19

Sally, please, try and keep her happy.

0:21:210:21:24

It's not me. She's such a diva!

0:21:240:21:27

-Just try! Do whatever she wants, just keep her quiet.

-OK.

0:21:270:21:31

I'll try, as a favour for you.

0:21:310:21:34

I want flowers in reception and five white kittens or I walk.

0:21:340:21:38

I hate this crummy corridor! SCREAMS

0:21:380:21:43

# Ring, ring goes the bell! #

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I just want to see your face!

0:21:460:21:49

-I'm sure you are very pretty.

-I wouldn't do that.

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Don't be ridiculous! I just want a glimpse of that innocent...

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Aargh! She bit me!

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Naughty Miss Charmington! Don't bite the guests!

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I'm so, so sorry. I'll just get her muzzle.

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Come and sit down.

0:22:110:22:13

-Do you want me to kiss it better?

-Get off!

0:22:130:22:16

Wow! That tasted horrible! Biting old ladies is over-rated.

0:22:170:22:22

-Don't make me do it again.

-I don't want you to.

0:22:220:22:26

-I'll stay down here and be on Lady Gaahouse's album.

-It's upstairs.

0:22:260:22:32

What's all that?

0:22:320:22:34

No, you can't sing backing vocals.

0:22:350:22:38

All I'm saying is if I'm on the cover the fans will feel cheated.

0:22:380:22:43

-Jamie, tell her.

-Why are you down here?

0:22:430:22:47

You said to let her do whatever she wanted.

0:22:470:22:50

-RING, RING, RING

-Just get her out of here.

-Get out!

0:22:500:22:55

Never in all my life!

0:22:570:23:00

Now, how are we?

0:23:000:23:03

Where's my tea and scones?

0:23:030:23:05

Only scones can help me now, Dolly.

0:23:050:23:08

CRASH! BANG!

0:23:080:23:10

Just one...

0:23:110:23:14

-DRILLING

-What's she doing?

0:23:150:23:18

-It was HIS idea.

-I thought it would look good.

0:23:180:23:21

Jamie, what's she still doing here?

0:23:210:23:25

-Sally's fault!

-I've been trying to get rid of her.

0:23:250:23:28

She keeps trying to get onto MY album cover!

0:23:280:23:32

That's it! Get off of MY album cover!

0:23:320:23:36

-No. You get off of my album cover!

-Jamie!

0:23:360:23:40

You are so fired!

0:23:400:23:43

No. I can make this all right.

0:23:430:23:46

-Where's Auntie Phyllis?

-I left her reading some magazines.

0:23:460:23:50

Magazines?

0:23:500:23:52

-Oh, no!

-What?

0:23:520:23:54

Nothing at all. Forget the problem with the magazines.

0:23:540:23:58

Except, that's where I hid the book of the world's rudest photographs.

0:24:000:24:05

Auntie Phyllis, there's no need to panic because, you see...

0:24:270:24:32

this is all a dream.

0:24:320:24:35

Am I dreaming?

0:24:350:24:37

Yeah. Yes! Just think about it, none of this would really happen!

0:24:370:24:43

-Of course. It does seem a little far-fetched.

-Exactly.

0:24:440:24:50

You'd never get a pop star fighting a receptionist

0:24:500:24:55

during a photo shoot in a lobby.

0:24:550:24:58

Or a porter in a dress with a pneumatic drill!

0:24:580:25:03

And look! Here is a fish in a pair of underpants.

0:25:040:25:09

Ooh!

0:25:090:25:11

-You'd only get that in a dream.

-It all makes sense now.

0:25:110:25:16

I must be dreaming.

0:25:160:25:18

I'll just, er, have a lie down

0:25:180:25:22

over here.

0:25:220:25:24

And when I wake up,

0:25:240:25:27

-it'll all be gone.

-It'll all be gone.

0:25:270:25:30

That's right. You lie down there and have a nice little sleep.

0:25:300:25:35

-There you go.

-Most distressing.

0:25:350:25:39

POP

0:25:440:25:45

Are you OK?

0:25:450:25:48

-What happened?

-It's very odd.

0:25:480:25:51

-You fainted the minute you came into the hotel.

-Did I?

0:25:510:25:56

-Oh, well, I did have the strangest dream.

-Oh, dear.

0:25:560:26:03

I'm sure it was totally random and unrelated to anything in reality.

0:26:030:26:08

Would you like me to show you around the hotel?

0:26:110:26:15

-I'm sure there's so much you want to ask.

-Oh, no.

0:26:150:26:19

I'm sure you're doing a marvellous job.

0:26:190:26:22

-Let me give you a hand up.

-Get off me.

0:26:220:26:25

It's been lovely to see you, Auntie Phyllis.

0:26:260:26:29

Do come again, any time!

0:26:290:26:32

Yes, well, I think I might be a bit busy.

0:26:320:26:36

I'm sure you make a lovely couple.

0:26:360:26:39

-Bye, darling!

-Bye!

0:26:390:26:41

I'm SO glad that's over.

0:26:410:26:44

Hey, guys!

0:26:440:26:46

I just wanted to say thank you. I got the best album cover.

0:26:460:26:50

I want to give you this, a present from me.

0:26:500:26:54

This is the wildest, crummiest hotel I've ever stayed in.

0:26:540:26:58

Good thing those two didn't see each other.

0:26:580:27:03

I just realised I forgot my handbag.

0:27:030:27:07

Wait a minute!

0:27:090:27:11

It was all real?

0:27:110:27:14

-Calm, calm, calm down, Auntie Phyllis.

-Calm yourself.

0:27:150:27:19

This is still a dream.

0:27:190:27:22

You haven't woken up yet!

0:27:220:27:25

Look! Woo! The pants fish!

0:27:250:27:29

Blllllp! Blllllp!

0:27:310:27:34

Hello. Hotel Trubble!

0:27:390:27:41

# Hotel Trubble for ever

0:27:410:27:44

# It's the pits and we know we're stuck

0:27:440:27:47

# But we love it

0:27:470:27:49

# Hotel Trubble for ever

0:27:490:27:52

# We're a team, staying calm On and on

0:27:520:27:54

# So the hotel survives Trubble, Trubble

0:27:540:27:57

# Keep the hotel alive. #

0:27:580:28:00

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