The Land of Nod Hounded

GENTLE MUSIC

HE SNORES

Nice singing, you Spanish dog.

DISCORDANT MUSIC

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

..and every day, I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

..and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

FAST REWIND

GENTLE MUSIC

DISCORDANT MUSIC Not again!

Whoa!

Right, off to my first day at work...

again.

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

HE MOUTHS, THEN VOICE CUTS IN No, I don't think so.

Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

MUSIC: GRIEG "Morning Mood" from Peer Gynt

HOOTER BLARES

-COMPUTERISED VOICE:

-'The space shuttle is now departing.

'Staff must ensure they have all their belongings with them.'

-MAN:

-Now we'll see some of the inner workings of the Dream Station.

Try to keep up.

OK, if you can politely wipe your feet on the floor out there

and then just gently gather round here.

-No photography!

-LULLABY MUSIC

M-Many people, such as the evil

master of everything except for Planet Earth Dr Mu,

would like to get their grubby little mitts on this computer.

(Smile or they'll suspect you.)

(I'm trying, but these stockings are killing me!)

OK, so hello and welcome to the Dream Station tour experience.

This is Buck, I'm Gelina.

Yes, OK, so the toilets are through that door.

Don't pull the air flush until you're at least ten metres away.

-We don't want to lose you out there!

-LAUGHTER

Right, let's start, shall we?

When you go to sleep, people think that dreams happen in their head.

Well, they don't - they take place down there on that planet,

the Land of Nod.

And whatever you dream about comes true.

You can eat a house made of steel,

swim through an ocean of marshmallows...

-Ooh!

-..or even sword-fight with a dinosaur.

Actually, we don't recommend the last one - health and safety.

Now, this is usually the part of the tour when everyone says,

"Oh, let's go down, let's have a closer look."

Well, we can't - it's too dangerous.

You can't go there if you're not asleep, you see. Think about it -

you could end up in someone else's dream.

That's why we monitor it ever so closely

from up here in the safety of the Dream Station.

-DIRECTOR:

-30 seconds to show time.

-SHE YAWNS

-Oh, I'm tired, sorry.

So, what's this experiment?

Um, it's to see what sends people to sleep faster -

cocoa or maths homework.

-10 seconds.

-Right.

Don't worry - what is the worst that can happen?

-And in five, four, three...

-I don't know, I could get exploded

-through all time and space...

-..on air.

Hello and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

-The mystery into chemistry...

-And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Rex Hound.

Now it's time for an absolutely fascinating experiment...

And just as I'm getting going,

my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.

HE SIGHS

Ah!

Rudolf?

MAN: We have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

So, are there any questions?

Young man, hello, yes.

I'm Morag, and this is Princess, and I have a question.

Do you have such a thing anywhere as a...

flux chamber override port anywhere?

You know the one we mean, the one with the full duplex data chain,

you know that one, dear?

Well, yes, that's an unusual question, isn't it, Buck?

-Yes, quite strange, yes.

-We-We-We do have such a portal, yes.

Just there.

Oh, muhahaha, really that's marvellous, yes.

Thank you, do carry on.

(Fix the transmitter against the side of the computer.)

People think they just fall asleep and their alarm clocks wake them up.

Actually, that's our job.

In this control centre, we're responsible for sending to sleep

and waking up a small planet called Earth.

I take it you've heard of the Planet Earth, have you?

Have you?

I haven't. Just a little joke that we like to have between us.

OK. I think it's time for the demonstration, don't you?

Take this subject -

Dilbert Parker.

He's gone to sleep on Earth and now he's here,

having a lovely dream on a beach.

Oh, but it's time he woke up.

COMPUTER: Waking up in five, four,

three, two, one...

Subject awake.

Um, I'm sorry, but we-we must be going.

Something on in the oven. Do have a lovely day, won't you?

Lovely tour, really lovely.

Argh...!

So, now I'm off to meet my future self

so he can send me on some hare-brained mission.

What are you doing lounging around here?

There's a universe to save, you know.

You're me from the future, right?

Yep.

Shut up, or I won't buy your favourite shirt.

I'm glad I lost that mean streak. Eventually.

-Just get on with it.

-All right.

Take this.

A bag of cheese?

No inter-dimensional hero should travel without one.

What? Why?

That's for me to know and you to find out.

-I'll tell you one thing, though.

-Go on.

You stink.

It's not me, it's this cheese. It really...

That lovely little transmitter we planted will give us access

to the most powerful computer network

in the multiverse - the Dream Station. And we...

Will you get out of that disguise? It makes me feel funny.

OK, let's recap.

One - plant the secret transmitter on the Dream Station computer.

-Check?

-Check.

Two...

...hack into the Dream Station computer,

send everyone on Earth to sleep

and trap them in their dreams on the Land of Nod.

Three - while they're asleep, I shall finally be able to make myself

the new, all-powerful leader. Muhahaha!

Genius. Nothing can stop me. Muhahaha!

The transmitter breaking - that would stop you.

Well, yes, that would be the one thing that would stop me.

Or if they discovered the transmitter before we hacked in,

that would stop you.

Yes, yes, yes, that's two things, yes, thank you, Steve!

Let's just have some positive energy here. Now, come on,

get on with it, start hacking.

OK, firewall's disabled, transmitter is still responding,

and I've ordered that DVD you wanted about knitting.

Marvellous. Unleash the power!

Make me the ultimate leader.

Let chaos commence!

Muhahaha!

WHINING, THEN REGULAR BEEPS

I don't believe it!

Oh! What now?

It's actually working!

It's working!

It's working! It's working!

It's working! Yes! Yes! I'm a genius!

Argh...!

There seems to be something wrong with this.

Have you checked the sell-by date?

Eh? No, I mean the system!

It's not responding, people are randomly falling asleep

and I can't seem to wake them up.

BEEPING

COMPUTER: Warning - system override.

-Oh.

-Malfunction.

We're locked out!

Warning - system override.

Malfunction.

Put your hands up in the air and throw your weapon down.

Or the other way might be easier.

Well done, ten out of ten for a response to an intruder,

which I'm not, by the way - I'm an inspector.

So, good response. Let's have a look. Well, there should be two of those,

that should be over there, and this is all very old equipment.

It's not looking good, I'm afraid.

Thank goodness, an expert!

We need your help, we're being hacked.

Somebody is using a sub-mainframe particle transmitter.

Well, that is...

..something to do with flat-pack furniture?

We need your help.

Right. Well, then, I should probably tell you

that I'm not really an inspector,

I just said that to stop you from shooting me.

I'm Rufus Hound, from the telly.

The hacker's blocking all wake-ups - I can't stop it.

That's it, we've lost control of the Land of Nod.

All of Earth is asleep.

What is that smell? Is that your feet?

No, that's...

Actually, don't worry about that.

Look, I don't suppose you could fill me in on...

..everything?

Ranjit Hound.

Ricky, Ricky Hound.

Ricky Hound. He's about six foot,

blond, beardy and he just disappeared.

SNORING

There are unconfirmed reports coming in

of people falling asleep across the city.

Experts are blaming a mystery virus or the new James Blunt song.

We'll tell you more as we get it.

Now here's Chris with the sport.

HE SNORES

Chris?

Chris?

COMPUTER: Warning - system override.

Malfunction. ALARM BLARES

COMPUTER: Warning. System override...

Every time I have a dream, I go to the Land of Nod? That's mind-blowing!

Just like your smelly feet.

It's not my feet!

Look...now that you've lost control of the place,

all the people of Earth - all my friends, my family,

Fearne Cotton - once they've fallen asleep, they just won't wake up?

Not unless we can see how the hackers came in.

They must have left some sub-mainframe particle transmitter.

COMPUTER: ...override.

Malfunction.

Or a dodgy-looking box?

BEEPING

COMPUTER: System restored.

I thought you said you worked in TV.

Yeah, I do. Saving the Earth's more of a hobby, really.

COMPUTER: Connection lost with Dream Station control.

Well, don't just stand there - get it back!

Rufus Hound! That man has a nasty habit of...surviving.

Nice, Dr Mu, very sinister.

You think so? I was just riffing.

In fact, it's about time we paid Mr Hound a visit.

Mmm, bit of a cliche.

-Oh, shut up, Steve!

-OK.

Come on.

Look, I think I know who's behind all of this.

Evil plan, dodgy technology, attempt to take over the Earth...

it's got one man's evil fingerprints all over it - Dr Mu.

That guy's so evil.

And that dorky assistant of his is hardly much better.

Honestly, you should hear her.

"Oh, Dr Mu, the value of gravity's actually 9.8."

Actually, it's 9.807!

That sounds exactly like her! That...

That is her, isn't it?

All right, Mu?

Is there a more evil mastermind on the face of any planet?

Jeremy Kyle?

Still the joker, eh?

Look, let them go right now, or else.

Or else what?

Muhahaha!

FLUSHING

Well...that should keep them "occupied".

Muhahaha!

Argh!

You, Hound, I want to finish you off personally, once and for all.

Muhahaha!

Finally! I'm always saying, "Why doesn't he just get rid of you?"

Hmm. Are those my feet I can smell?

What's this about, Mu? What do you want this time?

What I always want - power over the whole multiverse,

and your home planet is the last piece.

Now I control dreams,

soon Earth will be on its knees.

Technically, Earth doesn't have knees. It doesn't have legs.

Goodbye, Rufus Hound.

Sweet dreams.

What?!

-FLUSHING

-Oh... But...

Argh!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! We've won!

-MUSIC: ROCKY THEME

-I'm gonna getcha. I'm gonna getcha.

Jab, jab, jab, jab, jab.

-Look up there. I'm gonna getcha.

-CUCKOO! CUCKOO!

Oh, yeah! I'm the king, I'm the king.

-I'm the king squirrel.

-Oh, I'm in someone's dream.

Hey, I'm going to get you too, now.

Hey, come over here. Oi! You, with the moustache, comedy moustache.

-Nuts!

-Oh, I like nuts.

Muhahaha! Yes!

Ha ha ha. Oh, diddums.

Not so clever now, are you, Hound?

He can't hear you, you know.

Really?

Maybe I knew that, Steve.

Maybe I'm being a villain!

Those three won't be any more trouble. Now,

have you disabled the main...

frame and locked down the triangulation grid?

You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

No. Just do the...

send everyone to sleep thingy.

ZPPT! VRRM!

-HE CHUCKLES

-Good.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Right,

back to the lab.

Rufus!

-Are you all right?

-Just about.

What's going on?

Dr Mu's trying to take over the Earth.

We've got to wake everybody up.

Oh, no, you can't. Only from the Dream Station.

Unless, of course, you could give them a... Whoa!

-Unless you give them a...?

-Unless, of course, you give them a...

Whoa!

Whoa!

SNORING

MUSIC: "It's Oh So Quiet" by Bjork

This is the... SHE YAWNS

...news, with me, Natalie Story.

The sleep crisis continues.

The official advice is avoid all sleepy things.

Don't lie down, don't drink milky cocoa, don't watch Songs Of Praise

or Countdown.

SHE YAWNS Oh!

Oh... Oh...

Agh... Urgh...

IRISH DANCE MUSIC

Natalie Story?

If she's asleep at three o'clock in the afternoon,

Earth really is in trouble.

I've got to wake her up.

BANG!

Oh, great(!)

-Right.

-All Earth is now asleep, Doctor.

Good, then it's time.

Let's show those poor people on Earth who's boss.

HE CHUCKLES

-Is my special weapon ready?

-In position, Doctor.

Then offset thermal accumulator A, rework the mainframe capacitor

and...release Keith 1000.

Let the destruction begin!

Muhahaha!

-KEITH:

-Hello, everybody! Hello!

Magnificent.

Keith? Advance.

Right, OK, where do you want me to go? Down here?

Forward, Keith. Forward...

and now stop!

Crush the building to your left.

-Oooh.

-Muhahaha!

I don't want to seem ungrateful,

but is there anyone else that could do this job?

Just do it.

Oh, look! They've got a closing-down sale on there, that's nice.

Keith, I'm trying to demonstrate my authority, not steal knickers!

I told you this wouldn't work.

OK, I'll just go down here, Dr Mu.

Oh, there's a lot of crunchy stuff under my feet.

I hope that's cars and not people.

Can't you go any faster, Keith?

Well, I'm finding this all very awkward, I'm just far too large.

Give me that microphone. Keith?

-Yes?

-Keith, right a bit.

Yeah, OK,

-I'm going to the right, Doctor.

-Right a bit. Left a bit...

-Well, er, you're confusing me!

-Crush the building to your left.

OK.

Oh, I'm going to go for it now.

I'm going to punch it now, Doctor. Here we go.

Yes! Yes! Muhahaha!

I can't believe it.

I've just destroyed public property completely wantonly.

I'm a filthy vandal!

KEITH SOBS

HE WHISTLES

Raaar!

TRUMPET BLARES

I don't know, this is a nightmare.

That's it.

Huh, a nightmare!

Maybe that's how I can wake her up.

Take this...take this...take this.

A bag of cheese?

Cheese gives people nightmares.

Of course!

MUSIC STOPS

DINOSAUR ROARS

SHE SCREAMS

-DINOSAUR:

-It's all right, love, it's only a dream.

Oh... Huh...? Oh, right, yeah.

Um, coming up, something.

Um... Yes, this just in.

There appears to be a giant robot walking the Earth.

THUNDERCLAPS Dr Mu, I'm your worst nightmare.

SPAGHETTI WESTERN MUSIC

PZZPT!

PINGING PISTOL SHOTS

ROBOTIC SOBS

Come on, Keith!

I'm sorry, Dr Mu, I just don't think it's in my nature.

Doctor, people are waking up.

-Impossible!

-And they seem to be fairly angry.

PILOT: Visual contact with target, over.

They've come for me, Dr Mu. They've come for me! Run away! Run away!

Left, Keith, to the left!

No, Keith, right! Right!

Ooh, you're confusing me. I don't know where I'm going.

-I'm completely lost!

-I said left, Keith, left!

I'm never going to do any destruction ever again.

SMASH!

-Ooh!

-CRUNCH!

Sorry.

I'm going to go to prison now. Oh, I think I'm having a funny turn.

MAN: Stay where you are and put your hands up.

O-oh!

-Give it up, Mu.

-It can't be.

The Earth's woken up to your evil plan.

It's time for you two to say good night.

Ha ha ha!

And what do you propose to do, hmm? Beat us up with a chunk of Cheddar?

Smother us with a particularly smooth Camembert?

Choke us with a cheese string?

Leave the withering threats to me, OK?

MIC FEEDBACK

Trust me, Hound,

your chances are...shot to bits.

Fine.

But if you think you're going to win,

you're dreaming.

What are you...?!

Don't be...

HE SCOFFS

Time to say goodbye, Rufus Hound.

For ever.

SQUEAKING

What?!

I tried to tell you.

You're dreaming.

No...

Isn't he, Steve?

Don't answer him, Steve.

Dr Mu, have you seen my nuts?

Steve!

No...

How can this be?

Yeah, this isn't the lab.

You dozed off, sleepy head.

This is the Land of Nod.

HE SNORES

And no-one's going to wake you up.

You're stuck here.

Hound!

Thank you, Rufus. You saved the Land of Nod and the world.

You're a hero.

Don't be daft, we did it, the three of us, as a team.

Next time you have a dream, we'll make sure you get to the...

BOTH: Good bit.

SHE CHUCKLES

Thanks, guys.

You're still a bit cheesy, I'm afraid.

You know, I think I might actually have done it.

With Mu trapped on the Land of Nod he can't press the reset button,

he can't rewind the day, so in many ways, this has been a dream ending.

I can't believe my own scheme has been used against me.

I'm trapped...for ever.

This is... This is my worst nightmare.

HE SCREAMS

-Ah-ha!

-No, I'm not hungry.

Oh, shut up, Steve.

WHIRRING AND CLUNK

Sweet dreams, Hound.

HIGH-PITCHED BUZZ

You're dreaming.

I'm dreadfully sorry.

-Ooh!

-We've won!

-Let chaos commence!

-We're locked out!

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely gonna beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# Muhahaha's going to get you

# Mu's got a map and a plan To put people in his power

# Surrender in their sleep Crushed just like a flower

# The Land of Nod is very real But not quite what it seems

# And if no-one's there to wake you up

# Sweet dreams for Muhahaha. #

Muhahaha!