TV Hell Hounded

MUSIC: "Theme from Edward Scissorhands"

Whoa, those TVs can really dance!

(SNORES)

(DISCORDANT MUSIC)

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

..and every day I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

..and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

(FAST REWIND)

MUSIC: "THEME FROM EDWARD SCISSORHANDS"

(DISCORDANT MUSIC) Not again!

Whoa!

Right, off to my first day at work...

again.

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

(BIRD CAWS)

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

(OINKING)

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

No, but I like your face!

Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

Muha-ha-ha! Awaken, my Tellyhead army.

I am your new master.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

DIRECTOR: 30 seconds to show time.

So, what's this?

It's one of those new set-top box things that launched last week.

It's got a hard drive, games console and a web phone already built in.

-It's called a Mubox.

-A Mubox?

Sounds really weird, doesn't it? Mubox.

M-u-u-box. They keep malfunctioning, as well.

-DIRECTOR: Ten seconds...

-Oh, you little...

-See?

-Have fun.

-DIRECTOR:

-And in 5, 4, 3...

-Mubox.

..on air.

Hello, and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

The mystery into chemistry...

And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Ricky Hound.

Rufus...

here, to talk to you about the brand-new Mubox.

'And just as I'm getting going,

'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

You can even play games on it. It sounds too good to be true.

Well, I think it probably is...

Whoa!

Rudolf?

'Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.'

Argh!

'So, now I'm off to meet my future self

'so he can send me on some harebrained mission.'

You're looking nice.

Yes, I always liked looking like

I've just drunk a great big glass of furry milkshake.

Take these.

They might have dried out by teatime.

Batteries? What am I meant to do with those?

You'll work it out in a bit.

Bye now.

Mu-ha-ha-ha!

Ah, yes, and now, time for a commercial break.

Oh.

It's probably the batteries.

How many times do I have to tell you, Steve?

It is not the batteries! I only changed them last week.

Aha, right. OK, where was I?

And now, time for a commercial...break.

Hey, Buck, what are you doing?

I'm playing this ace new game on my new Mubox. It's called Goobox.

-Oh, cool, can I play?

-Yeah, sure. You can be Gelina.

I am Gelina. So, how do you play?

Every time someone says Mu,

you press your button, and they get covered in goo.

You just said it.

-Ha-ha! Yahoo! I win.

-Yeah.

BOTH: Goobox, only available on...

Mubox.

Chair.

-Well?

-OK. Who were those two exactly?

Steve, excuse me?

Buck Fastness and Gelina Norglop?

What planet have you been living on?

They're only the two most famous movie stars in the multiverse.

They can't leave their home world without every paparazzi drone

in the nine quadrants tagging their ship.

Space Dump 2, yes?

Giant Bendy Robots?

Oh, come on, Steve, get with it.

I just got their latest - Cranford Kravitz And Kissy Kissing -

pirate copy.

Come on.

It'll work in a minute. Ah, there we go.

Check this out.

Oh, Cranford.

I thought you would end up with one of those terribly posh aliens

with all the connections and the money, and who does the cheerleading

at the fox hunt and whose father owns half of Alpha Phalanx 9.

Oh, Arrabin.

Don't you know that it's you I've loved from the moment I met you?

-Oh, Cranford.

-Oh, Arrabin.

(PFFRRRT!)

Oh, Arrabin.

Looks great(!)

So how did you get the two biggest movie stars in the multiverse

to appear in your advert?

Oh, I persuaded them yesterday.

You persuaded them?

Well, you know...

persuaded, kidnapped, enslaved. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

I'm holding their planet to ransom with a giant laser beam.

But where are they?

Ah! That's the best part. I'm actually keeping them in the telly.

Yes, I used my Mubox master remote to shrink them to the size of a clothes peg.

Amazing what this thing can do, really.

Just kidding! So, yes, they're in the telly,

broadcasting my Mubox advert every three minutes forever.

I built them a little set and everything.

They're quite well looked after.

Mu-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, I'm an evil genius.

DIRECTOR: And cut, prepare to redo the commercial.

-How many is that, then?

-54 since breakfast.

I've been counting, it's the only way to stop myself from going mad.

Make no mistake, if we ever get out of here,

my agent is going to have some serious questions to answer, I can tell you.

I don't think we ever will, Bucky, darling.

I mean, neither of us read the small print, did we?

Why we have to shoot this commercial endlessly live, I don't know.

Why don't they just tape it?

I don't know, really I don't.

There must be some way out.

You know as well as I do, Bucky, darling, there isn't.

We're stuck here. There's no way out.

(WHISTLING) Aaargh!

(THUDDING)

Except for that invisible hole in the ceiling.

(COUGHING)

-Who are you?

-Hi, I'm Rufus.

You probably know this already, but I'm Gelina Norglop.

Sorry, darling, it doesn't ring a bell.

And I'm Buck Fastness.

Giant Bendy Robots? Space Dump 1 and 2? No?

Never mind. Listen, Dr Muha-ha-ha-ha has trapped us

in here to advertise his silly new TV.

You just found a way in.

Do you think you could help us find a way out?

I'll try. Do you know where we are?

No, we were dragged into Dr Muhahaha's lab and forced into signing our contracts.

Then he pointed this fancy remote control thing at us,

and suddenly we were here, being guarded

by all these weird people with televisions for heads. They're really spooky.

An evil TV, the remote control and all those Tellyheads...

What's he up to?

I don't know, but we have to get out of here so we can stop him.

If I was the stupidest evil genius in the history of the known universe

and I wanted to kidnap two actors to do these commercials,

where would I put us?

-It'll never work.

-Oh, nonsense, Steve.

Look how many orders we've had already.

But what they don't know is, the moment they switch on

their Muboxes, I will turn them into Tellyheads using my master remote.

Or at least you would if the batteries worked.

Yes, thank you, Steve.

And with the success of my Mubox TV launch,

the population will all become my Tellyhead slaves.

The Earth will be mine at last. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

I hate to put a downer on your plans,

but I don't think it'll work.

Oh, I think you'll find that it will.

-I think it'll go wrong.

-No, it won't.

Like it always does.

Yes. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-We're in the telly!

-What?

He used the remote control to shrink you. We're in the telly,

in his lab. Which means that the way out must be...

..over here. Come on.

MUSIC: "The Great Escape March" by Elmer Bernstein

-It will work.

-It won't work.

-It will!

-It won't!

-I'm getting bored now.

-All I'm saying is,

if Rufus Hound happens to...

OK, was I right or was I right?

It's that pain in the undergrowth, Rufus Hound, again.

That's all we need. Find him.

-I've already found him.

-What? How? That was quick.

-According to the tracking system, he's here.

-Here?

-What do you mean, "here"?

-Well, specifically... There.

Over there?

In the toilet?

Well, that's what the Rufometer says.

What's Rufus Hound doing hiding in my toilet?

I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

Good point.

What if he does something nasty?

Come on, are you an evil genius or not?!

-Actually, you don't have to answer that.

-Just watch it, young lady.

Right, here goes.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

Ooh!

Hello, Keith.

Oh, hello, Dr Mu.

He's not there.

If he's not there, then he must be over there.

-Where?

-In the telly!

In the... Oh, no.

But that means he's in my advert.

Come on! Come on!

-BLEEPING

-Ah, there he is, behind the curtain.

-GELINA:

-Ah, what are you doing, Buck?

Keith? I want you to go after them and eliminate Rufus Hound.

He's hiding really obviously behind the curtain.

Me, do I have to?

-What have you got on your...?

-Oh, this.

Yes, that'll put the fear into our mortal enemies,

won't it, Keith, mm?

Every inch the invincible robot assassin(!)

Sorry, Doctor, but you really scared me.

How are you going to catch

Rufus Hound with a bucket stuck to your foot?!

I think I may have soiled my circuits.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

-Oh! Don't do anything rash!

-Forget it.

I've got a better idea.

I'm going to send Rufus Hound

on a little trip through the TV Guide.

(CHUCKLES)

Happy channel surfing, Mr Hound.

Come on!

(BLEEP)

Mu-ha-ha-ha! Mu-ha-ha-ha!

(EASTENDERS THEME TUNE)

'Get out! Get out, everyone, get out!'

-Mu-ha-ha-ha!

-'Go on, get out!

'Go on, get out! Everyone get out!'

-Change the batteries...

-Uh!

-(BLEEP)

-There! There! It works.

'Eh-oh!'

-'Eh-oh!'

-'Time for Teletubbies.

-'Time for Teletubbies.'

-Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

'..England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and which other?'

-'Wales.'

-'Fabulous(!)'

'Hello, welcome to The One Show with Adrian Chiles...'

'...And Christine Bleakley.'

-'Put the lid on.'

-'Mine's going!'

'That's fine. And then watch it go, ready?'

-'Why's nothing happening to mine?'

-'Patience, boy! Look!'

(TUTS)

Oh, for...

For crying out loud!

I won't say it again.

I wonder...

If you wanted to send someone on a really dangerous mission

to catch Rufus Hound, who would you choose?

Ooh. Um...

Well, there's Susie on reception.

Brian, of course - head of security. He'd be good.

Nigel in the canteen, he's always up for a laugh...

No, Steve, I meant someone much closer to me than that.

-Carol in accounts?

-No, Steve, not Carol in accounts.

-Just change the batteries.

-Oh!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, well. If you want something doing, do it yourself.

# Muhahaha-ha-ha, muhahaha-ha-ha

# Stuck inside the TV Shrinking people and brains

# T-T-T-Tellyhead and zombies

# Mu's flushing earthlings down the drains

# Mubox is for you

# The Goobox game, get it too

# Mu products are great, it's true Go buy yourself a Mubox

# Go, go, go

# Mu, Mu, let's go

# Mu, Mu, get Mu

# Mu, Mu, let's go

# Mu, Mu, get Mu. #

Ah!

And relax.

Now, Steve, activate the Mubox storage drive in the Twiblon Nebula,

-if you please.

-But that's the...

The really, really big one only to be used in an emergency. Yes.

Nope, can't argue with that.

So, we meet again, Doofus.

That's literally the best joke I've ever heard about my name.

You haven't heard Poofus yet.

-Nice!

-Mm!

(WHISPERS) Dr Poohahaha.

OK, enough with the poo jokes.

So, you seriously thought that you and those two delusional darlings

could ruin my Mubox plans?

The Twiblon Drive is operational, Doctor.

Excellent.

I'm going to zap you into a billion tiny particles

and send you into the black hole in the middle of the Twiblon Nebula.

Mu-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, this is exciting!

Goodbye...Rufus Hound.

Oh.

Goodbye, Rufus Hound...

(GRUNTS)

Good...bye, Rufus...

Goodbye, Rufus... What is going on with this thing?

How many times do I have to tell you? Just change the batteries!

I haven't got any batteries! And I would have thought

that spare batteries were more your area of expertise,

given that you're supposed to be my assistant.

-I had spare batteries.

-Hmm?

Er, you wouldn't.

I would. In fact...

..I just did.

Buck and Gelina.

-DIRECTOR:

-Prepare to redo the commercial.

-How many is that now, then?

-786.

How do you keep count like that? It's not natural.

-Rufus, darling!

-Are you OK?

Yeah, I nicked his remote control. I've flicked him off somewhere.

Have you come to help us escape?

Yeah, about that... How long till you're next on air?

MAN: On air in two minutes.

About two minutes.

Right. Listen, you have to change the advert.

You've got to tell people that Doctor Muhahaha's using the Muboxes

to turn people into Tellyheads.

Only you can do this, and, er, he is on his way.

Now, look, don't panic.

Remember how you were the hero in Giant Bendy Robots.

-I do.

-Be the hero! And remember...

-when you watched that film?

-Yes!

Be the hero! You can do it!

I, er... I'd better hide.

Where are we, Steve?

-Oh, God!

-Is that you? Right...

-Which way? Which way?

-Um...

Get me out of here, Steve! Hound! I'll get him for this.

-DIRECTOR:

-Places please, going for a take.

The Tellyheads...

-Here they come.

-OK, take cover.

TELLYHEADS: Take your positions... Take your positions.

..your positions, positions, positions...

Leave this one to us. Come on, then!

-..positions, positions...

-Mu! Mu! Mu, Mu!

..your positions, positions, positions, posi...

Great! Well, then, time to tell the people the truth about Mubox.

I don't care if your shoulders hurt. Just stand still, Steve!

Right, come on, we can do it. Ha-ha-ha!

Come on.

Whoa!

Right, now, how are we going to stop him, hm?

Um, I think we might be a bit late for that.

Oh!

-(GROANS)

-Hound!

Hey, Buck, what are you doing?

I'm playing this rubbish new game on my new Mubox.

-It's called Goobox.

-Eww, it sounds messy. Can I play?

No, not really. If you do,

you'll be turned into a Tellyhead, like this loser.

So, like, what's all that all about, then?

Well, it's all an evil plan,

hatched by a cretinous super-villain called Dr Muhahaha.

He wants to turn us all into Tellyheads and take over the world.

Eww! That sounds rubbish!

I will NOT be buying one of them, then.

No, don't. They're useless.

And really expensive.

-Yeah.

-So, whatever you do...

BOTH: Don't buy a Mubox.

Right!

Hound!

I'll kill that Rufus Hound!

-I very much doubt it.

-Why not? What do you mean?

Well, he shrank us with YOUR remote control

after he CHANGED the batteries.

I mean, what are you going to do, Doctor Stupidhahaha,

bite his ankles off?

We're about ten centimetres tall!

All right! What did you just call me?

-Ha-ha-ha!

-We did it!

Whoo!

Look at the orders!

Oh, thank you, Rufus! Darling, we couldn't have done it without you.

Ah...!

-Now, one more little favour.

-Right...

Do you think you could use Muhahaha's remote to send us home?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Great! We live in the Galingo System.

I live on Planet Gork.

And I live on Climaticus Prime.

Right.

You would love it, it's simply divine, darling.

Everyone has to go to theatre school from the age of six,

and you have to do four musicals a year - it's the law.

You must definitely come and visit.

Yeah! No, definitely...

I, um...

Very busy with, er... But, no, I'll...

Bye, Gelina.

See you around, Buck.

Actors...

(SIGHS)

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

(SLOW MOTION) No-o-o-o!

(FAST REWIND)

-DIRECTOR:

-Prepare to redo the commercial.

-Oh, this is exciting!

-That sounds rubbish!

Be the hero!

We're stuck here. There's no way out.

Enough with the poo jokes.

-Yahoo!

-We're in the telly!

What planet have you been living on?

Batteries? What am I meant to do with those?

-Oh, Cranford.

-Oh, Arrabin.

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# You know you want a Mubox

# But you don't know why you want one

# Subliminal adverts

# Are turning Earth brains on and on

# Multiplayer Mu friends interface

# Unlimited storage in deep space... #

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