TV Hell Hounded


TV Hell

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Transcript


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MUSIC: "Theme from Edward Scissorhands"

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Whoa, those TVs can really dance!

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(SNORES)

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(DISCORDANT MUSIC)

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That's me - Rufus Hound.

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I'm a television presenter...

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..and every day I save the world.

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Ah!

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See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

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It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

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..and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

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Shall I?

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Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

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and every day I stop him.

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What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

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If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

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he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

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(FAST REWIND)

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MUSIC: "THEME FROM EDWARD SCISSORHANDS"

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(DISCORDANT MUSIC) Not again!

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Whoa!

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Right, off to my first day at work...

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again.

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So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

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Morning.

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Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

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because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

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Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

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The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

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Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

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That's me, from years ahead in the future.

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Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

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but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

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So that's it, in a nutshell.

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You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

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(BIRD CAWS)

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Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

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(OINKING)

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Everybody relax - I'm here.

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Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

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Hiya, I'm Barry.

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That's odd - have I met you before?

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No, but I like your face!

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Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

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Muha-ha-ha! Awaken, my Tellyhead army.

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I am your new master.

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(EVIL LAUGHTER)

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DIRECTOR: 30 seconds to show time.

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So, what's this?

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It's one of those new set-top box things that launched last week.

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It's got a hard drive, games console and a web phone already built in.

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-It's called a Mubox.

-A Mubox?

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Sounds really weird, doesn't it? Mubox.

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M-u-u-box. They keep malfunctioning, as well.

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-DIRECTOR: Ten seconds...

-Oh, you little...

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-See?

-Have fun.

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-DIRECTOR:

-And in 5, 4, 3...

-Mubox.

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..on air.

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Hello, and welcome to FunLab.

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The show that puts the fizz into physics...

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The mystery into chemistry...

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And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

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And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Ricky Hound.

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Rufus...

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here, to talk to you about the brand-new Mubox.

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'And just as I'm getting going,

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'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

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You can even play games on it. It sounds too good to be true.

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Well, I think it probably is...

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Whoa!

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Rudolf?

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'Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.'

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Argh!

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'So, now I'm off to meet my future self

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'so he can send me on some harebrained mission.'

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You're looking nice.

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Yes, I always liked looking like

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I've just drunk a great big glass of furry milkshake.

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Take these.

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They might have dried out by teatime.

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Batteries? What am I meant to do with those?

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You'll work it out in a bit.

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Bye now.

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Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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Ah, yes, and now, time for a commercial break.

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Oh.

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It's probably the batteries.

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How many times do I have to tell you, Steve?

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It is not the batteries! I only changed them last week.

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Aha, right. OK, where was I?

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And now, time for a commercial...break.

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Hey, Buck, what are you doing?

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I'm playing this ace new game on my new Mubox. It's called Goobox.

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-Oh, cool, can I play?

-Yeah, sure. You can be Gelina.

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I am Gelina. So, how do you play?

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Every time someone says Mu,

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you press your button, and they get covered in goo.

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You just said it.

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-Ha-ha! Yahoo! I win.

-Yeah.

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BOTH: Goobox, only available on...

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Mubox.

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Chair.

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-Well?

-OK. Who were those two exactly?

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Steve, excuse me?

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Buck Fastness and Gelina Norglop?

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What planet have you been living on?

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They're only the two most famous movie stars in the multiverse.

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They can't leave their home world without every paparazzi drone

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in the nine quadrants tagging their ship.

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Space Dump 2, yes?

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Giant Bendy Robots?

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Oh, come on, Steve, get with it.

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I just got their latest - Cranford Kravitz And Kissy Kissing -

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pirate copy.

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Come on.

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It'll work in a minute. Ah, there we go.

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Check this out.

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Oh, Cranford.

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I thought you would end up with one of those terribly posh aliens

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with all the connections and the money, and who does the cheerleading

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at the fox hunt and whose father owns half of Alpha Phalanx 9.

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Oh, Arrabin.

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Don't you know that it's you I've loved from the moment I met you?

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-Oh, Cranford.

-Oh, Arrabin.

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(PFFRRRT!)

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Oh, Arrabin.

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Looks great(!)

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So how did you get the two biggest movie stars in the multiverse

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to appear in your advert?

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Oh, I persuaded them yesterday.

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You persuaded them?

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Well, you know...

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persuaded, kidnapped, enslaved. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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I'm holding their planet to ransom with a giant laser beam.

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But where are they?

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Ah! That's the best part. I'm actually keeping them in the telly.

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Yes, I used my Mubox master remote to shrink them to the size of a clothes peg.

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Amazing what this thing can do, really.

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Just kidding! So, yes, they're in the telly,

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broadcasting my Mubox advert every three minutes forever.

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I built them a little set and everything.

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They're quite well looked after.

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Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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Oh, I'm an evil genius.

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DIRECTOR: And cut, prepare to redo the commercial.

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-How many is that, then?

-54 since breakfast.

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I've been counting, it's the only way to stop myself from going mad.

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Make no mistake, if we ever get out of here,

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my agent is going to have some serious questions to answer, I can tell you.

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I don't think we ever will, Bucky, darling.

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I mean, neither of us read the small print, did we?

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Why we have to shoot this commercial endlessly live, I don't know.

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Why don't they just tape it?

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I don't know, really I don't.

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There must be some way out.

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You know as well as I do, Bucky, darling, there isn't.

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We're stuck here. There's no way out.

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(WHISTLING) Aaargh!

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(THUDDING)

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Except for that invisible hole in the ceiling.

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(COUGHING)

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-Who are you?

-Hi, I'm Rufus.

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You probably know this already, but I'm Gelina Norglop.

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Sorry, darling, it doesn't ring a bell.

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And I'm Buck Fastness.

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Giant Bendy Robots? Space Dump 1 and 2? No?

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Never mind. Listen, Dr Muha-ha-ha-ha has trapped us

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in here to advertise his silly new TV.

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You just found a way in.

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Do you think you could help us find a way out?

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I'll try. Do you know where we are?

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No, we were dragged into Dr Muhahaha's lab and forced into signing our contracts.

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Then he pointed this fancy remote control thing at us,

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and suddenly we were here, being guarded

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by all these weird people with televisions for heads. They're really spooky.

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An evil TV, the remote control and all those Tellyheads...

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What's he up to?

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I don't know, but we have to get out of here so we can stop him.

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If I was the stupidest evil genius in the history of the known universe

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and I wanted to kidnap two actors to do these commercials,

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where would I put us?

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-It'll never work.

-Oh, nonsense, Steve.

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Look how many orders we've had already.

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But what they don't know is, the moment they switch on

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their Muboxes, I will turn them into Tellyheads using my master remote.

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Or at least you would if the batteries worked.

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Yes, thank you, Steve.

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And with the success of my Mubox TV launch,

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the population will all become my Tellyhead slaves.

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The Earth will be mine at last. Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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I hate to put a downer on your plans,

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but I don't think it'll work.

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Oh, I think you'll find that it will.

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-I think it'll go wrong.

-No, it won't.

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Like it always does.

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Yes. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-We're in the telly!

-What?

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He used the remote control to shrink you. We're in the telly,

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in his lab. Which means that the way out must be...

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..over here. Come on.

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MUSIC: "The Great Escape March" by Elmer Bernstein

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-It will work.

-It won't work.

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-It will!

-It won't!

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-I'm getting bored now.

-All I'm saying is,

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if Rufus Hound happens to...

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OK, was I right or was I right?

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It's that pain in the undergrowth, Rufus Hound, again.

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That's all we need. Find him.

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-I've already found him.

-What? How? That was quick.

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-According to the tracking system, he's here.

-Here?

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-What do you mean, "here"?

-Well, specifically... There.

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Over there?

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In the toilet?

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Well, that's what the Rufometer says.

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What's Rufus Hound doing hiding in my toilet?

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I don't know. Why don't you ask him?

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Good point.

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What if he does something nasty?

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Come on, are you an evil genius or not?!

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-Actually, you don't have to answer that.

-Just watch it, young lady.

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Right, here goes.

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FLOORBOARDS CREAK

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Ooh!

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Hello, Keith.

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Oh, hello, Dr Mu.

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He's not there.

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If he's not there, then he must be over there.

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-Where?

-In the telly!

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In the... Oh, no.

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But that means he's in my advert.

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Come on! Come on!

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-BLEEPING

-Ah, there he is, behind the curtain.

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-GELINA:

-Ah, what are you doing, Buck?

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Keith? I want you to go after them and eliminate Rufus Hound.

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He's hiding really obviously behind the curtain.

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Me, do I have to?

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-What have you got on your...?

-Oh, this.

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Yes, that'll put the fear into our mortal enemies,

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won't it, Keith, mm?

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Every inch the invincible robot assassin(!)

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Sorry, Doctor, but you really scared me.

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How are you going to catch

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Rufus Hound with a bucket stuck to your foot?!

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I think I may have soiled my circuits.

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(MOUTHS WORDS)

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-Oh! Don't do anything rash!

-Forget it.

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I've got a better idea.

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I'm going to send Rufus Hound

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on a little trip through the TV Guide.

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(CHUCKLES)

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Happy channel surfing, Mr Hound.

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Come on!

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(BLEEP)

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Mu-ha-ha-ha! Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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(EASTENDERS THEME TUNE)

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'Get out! Get out, everyone, get out!'

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-Mu-ha-ha-ha!

-'Go on, get out!

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'Go on, get out! Everyone get out!'

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-Change the batteries...

-Uh!

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-(BLEEP)

-There! There! It works.

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'Eh-oh!'

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-'Eh-oh!'

-'Time for Teletubbies.

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-'Time for Teletubbies.'

-Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

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'..England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and which other?'

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-'Wales.'

-'Fabulous(!)'

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'Hello, welcome to The One Show with Adrian Chiles...'

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'...And Christine Bleakley.'

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-'Put the lid on.'

-'Mine's going!'

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'That's fine. And then watch it go, ready?'

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-'Why's nothing happening to mine?'

-'Patience, boy! Look!'

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(TUTS)

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Oh, for...

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For crying out loud!

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I won't say it again.

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I wonder...

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If you wanted to send someone on a really dangerous mission

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to catch Rufus Hound, who would you choose?

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Ooh. Um...

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Well, there's Susie on reception.

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Brian, of course - head of security. He'd be good.

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Nigel in the canteen, he's always up for a laugh...

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No, Steve, I meant someone much closer to me than that.

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-Carol in accounts?

-No, Steve, not Carol in accounts.

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-Just change the batteries.

-Oh!

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(CHUCKLES)

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Oh, well. If you want something doing, do it yourself.

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# Muhahaha-ha-ha, muhahaha-ha-ha

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# Stuck inside the TV Shrinking people and brains

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# T-T-T-Tellyhead and zombies

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# Mu's flushing earthlings down the drains

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# Mubox is for you

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# The Goobox game, get it too

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# Mu products are great, it's true Go buy yourself a Mubox

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# Go, go, go

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# Mu, Mu, let's go

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# Mu, Mu, get Mu

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# Mu, Mu, let's go

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# Mu, Mu, get Mu. #

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Ah!

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And relax.

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Now, Steve, activate the Mubox storage drive in the Twiblon Nebula,

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-if you please.

-But that's the...

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The really, really big one only to be used in an emergency. Yes.

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Nope, can't argue with that.

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So, we meet again, Doofus.

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That's literally the best joke I've ever heard about my name.

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You haven't heard Poofus yet.

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-Nice!

-Mm!

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(WHISPERS) Dr Poohahaha.

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OK, enough with the poo jokes.

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So, you seriously thought that you and those two delusional darlings

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could ruin my Mubox plans?

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The Twiblon Drive is operational, Doctor.

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Excellent.

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I'm going to zap you into a billion tiny particles

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and send you into the black hole in the middle of the Twiblon Nebula.

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Mu-ha-ha-ha!

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Oh, this is exciting!

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Goodbye...Rufus Hound.

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Oh.

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Goodbye, Rufus Hound...

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(GRUNTS)

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Good...bye, Rufus...

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Goodbye, Rufus... What is going on with this thing?

0:20:300:20:35

How many times do I have to tell you? Just change the batteries!

0:20:350:20:37

I haven't got any batteries! And I would have thought

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that spare batteries were more your area of expertise,

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given that you're supposed to be my assistant.

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-I had spare batteries.

-Hmm?

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Er, you wouldn't.

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I would. In fact...

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..I just did.

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Buck and Gelina.

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-DIRECTOR:

-Prepare to redo the commercial.

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-How many is that now, then?

-786.

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How do you keep count like that? It's not natural.

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-Rufus, darling!

-Are you OK?

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Yeah, I nicked his remote control. I've flicked him off somewhere.

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Have you come to help us escape?

0:21:190:21:21

Yeah, about that... How long till you're next on air?

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MAN: On air in two minutes.

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About two minutes.

0:21:260:21:27

Right. Listen, you have to change the advert.

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You've got to tell people that Doctor Muhahaha's using the Muboxes

0:21:300:21:34

to turn people into Tellyheads.

0:21:340:21:37

Only you can do this, and, er, he is on his way.

0:21:370:21:40

Now, look, don't panic.

0:21:400:21:42

Remember how you were the hero in Giant Bendy Robots.

0:21:420:21:45

-I do.

-Be the hero! And remember...

0:21:450:21:49

-when you watched that film?

-Yes!

0:21:490:21:52

Be the hero! You can do it!

0:21:520:21:54

I, er... I'd better hide.

0:21:540:21:57

Where are we, Steve?

0:22:040:22:06

-Oh, God!

-Is that you? Right...

0:22:060:22:10

-Which way? Which way?

-Um...

0:22:100:22:11

Get me out of here, Steve! Hound! I'll get him for this.

0:22:110:22:17

-DIRECTOR:

-Places please, going for a take.

0:22:170:22:19

The Tellyheads...

0:22:190:22:21

-Here they come.

-OK, take cover.

0:22:210:22:25

TELLYHEADS: Take your positions... Take your positions.

0:22:270:22:30

..your positions, positions, positions...

0:22:300:22:33

Leave this one to us. Come on, then!

0:22:370:22:40

-..positions, positions...

-Mu! Mu! Mu, Mu!

0:22:400:22:44

..your positions, positions, positions, posi...

0:22:450:22:48

Great! Well, then, time to tell the people the truth about Mubox.

0:22:540:22:58

I don't care if your shoulders hurt. Just stand still, Steve!

0:23:100:23:15

Right, come on, we can do it. Ha-ha-ha!

0:23:150:23:20

Come on.

0:23:200:23:22

Whoa!

0:23:250:23:28

Right, now, how are we going to stop him, hm?

0:23:280:23:31

Um, I think we might be a bit late for that.

0:23:310:23:34

Oh!

0:23:340:23:36

-(GROANS)

-Hound!

0:23:360:23:38

Hey, Buck, what are you doing?

0:23:380:23:41

I'm playing this rubbish new game on my new Mubox.

0:23:410:23:43

-It's called Goobox.

-Eww, it sounds messy. Can I play?

0:23:430:23:47

No, not really. If you do,

0:23:470:23:48

you'll be turned into a Tellyhead, like this loser.

0:23:480:23:51

So, like, what's all that all about, then?

0:23:510:23:53

Well, it's all an evil plan,

0:23:530:23:56

hatched by a cretinous super-villain called Dr Muhahaha.

0:23:560:23:59

He wants to turn us all into Tellyheads and take over the world.

0:23:590:24:03

Eww! That sounds rubbish!

0:24:030:24:06

I will NOT be buying one of them, then.

0:24:060:24:08

No, don't. They're useless.

0:24:080:24:10

And really expensive.

0:24:100:24:11

-Yeah.

-So, whatever you do...

0:24:110:24:13

BOTH: Don't buy a Mubox.

0:24:130:24:16

Right!

0:24:200:24:22

Hound!

0:24:220:24:24

I'll kill that Rufus Hound!

0:24:240:24:25

-I very much doubt it.

-Why not? What do you mean?

0:24:250:24:27

Well, he shrank us with YOUR remote control

0:24:270:24:30

after he CHANGED the batteries.

0:24:300:24:32

I mean, what are you going to do, Doctor Stupidhahaha,

0:24:320:24:35

bite his ankles off?

0:24:350:24:36

We're about ten centimetres tall!

0:24:360:24:38

All right! What did you just call me?

0:24:380:24:41

-Ha-ha-ha!

-We did it!

0:24:440:24:46

Whoo!

0:24:480:24:49

Look at the orders!

0:24:510:24:54

Oh, thank you, Rufus! Darling, we couldn't have done it without you.

0:24:540:24:57

Ah...!

0:24:570:24:59

-Now, one more little favour.

-Right...

0:24:590:25:02

Do you think you could use Muhahaha's remote to send us home?

0:25:020:25:07

-Yeah, I think so.

-Great! We live in the Galingo System.

0:25:070:25:10

I live on Planet Gork.

0:25:100:25:12

And I live on Climaticus Prime.

0:25:120:25:14

Right.

0:25:140:25:15

You would love it, it's simply divine, darling.

0:25:150:25:18

Everyone has to go to theatre school from the age of six,

0:25:180:25:21

and you have to do four musicals a year - it's the law.

0:25:210:25:24

You must definitely come and visit.

0:25:240:25:27

Yeah! No, definitely...

0:25:270:25:30

I, um...

0:25:300:25:32

Very busy with, er... But, no, I'll...

0:25:320:25:35

Bye, Gelina.

0:25:360:25:38

See you around, Buck.

0:25:390:25:41

Actors...

0:25:460:25:47

(SIGHS)

0:25:470:25:48

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

0:25:480:25:51

(SLOW MOTION) No-o-o-o!

0:26:010:26:04

(FAST REWIND)

0:26:080:26:10

-DIRECTOR:

-Prepare to redo the commercial.

0:26:100:26:12

-Oh, this is exciting!

-That sounds rubbish!

0:26:150:26:17

Be the hero!

0:26:190:26:20

We're stuck here. There's no way out.

0:26:220:26:25

Enough with the poo jokes.

0:26:250:26:28

-Yahoo!

-We're in the telly!

0:26:280:26:31

What planet have you been living on?

0:26:310:26:32

Batteries? What am I meant to do with those?

0:26:320:26:36

-Oh, Cranford.

-Oh, Arrabin.

0:26:360:26:38

Everybody relax - I'm here.

0:26:400:26:43

Ah, well. I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

0:26:430:26:47

Or is that today?

0:26:470:26:49

# You know you want a Mubox

0:26:490:26:52

# But you don't know why you want one

0:26:520:26:54

# Subliminal adverts

0:26:540:26:56

# Are turning Earth brains on and on

0:26:560:27:00

# Multiplayer Mu friends interface

0:27:000:27:01

# Unlimited storage in deep space... #

0:27:010:27:03

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:030:27:05

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