The Toast-O-Lator Hounded

GENTLE MUSIC

Well, chum, my specialist subject would be cheese.

SNORES

DISCORDANT MUSIC

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

..and every day I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

..and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

FAST REWIND

GENTLE MUSIC

DISCORDANT MUSIC Not again!

Whoa!

Right, off to my first day at work...

..again!

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

# Hello, is it me you're looking for?

# Cos I can see it in your eyes. #

Well, come on then, we haven't got all day.

WHIRR OF MACHINERY

-MACHINE:

-Faulty clone. Reject.

-ALARM

-MAN:

-30 seconds to showtime.

-Come and check it out.

Apparently, this toaster makes toast in, like, no time at all. Watch.

Ta-da! Oh!

It's not plugged in.

Power cord's too short.

Mind that lead!

OK, try again. Watch.

Whoa!

They're brilliant, though. I can't believe we all got one for free.

Hmm...

So...what is today's experiment?

Oh, yeah, um...

we're testing to see what happens when you toast plutonium.

Now, the biggest thing you've got to remember

-is...

-MAN:

-10 seconds...

Don't worry, you'll be fine.

-..and in 5...4...

-Sorry, isn't plutonium

-massively radioactive?

-..3...

-GELINA:

-Yes.

-..on air.

Hello and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics.

The mystery into chemistry.

And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Ranjit Hound.

Grab yourself some heavy metals,

cos today we're talking toasting transuranics...

And just as I'm getting going,

my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.

But what happens to it when you put it in a domestic toaster?

It's all right. We've just got to the part when I go...

Rudolf?

-MAN:

-Sorry, we have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

-(HIGH-PITCHED)

-Argh!

Please don't hurt us with your dreadful new invention, Dr Muhahaha.

Muhahaha! It is too late.

Puny planet, cower before my almighty creation.

Yeah, look. About your "almighty creation"...

Shut up, Steve.

-(HIGH-PITCHED)

-Yeah, shut up, Steve. Don't question Dr Mu.

Once he has me in his power, he will rule the entire multiverse.

-Look, there seems to be a problem...

-I said "shut up", Steve.

I've got a plan that actually works, for once,

and I'm going to enjoy it without your whining about science

-and what's possible.

-But if you just listen...

What's that? Can't hear you!

Loser!

Ah...!

So, now I'm off to meet my future self

so he can send me on some harebrained mission.

Ah! Oh, all right, future me?

Looking well.

No, I'm not. I'm looking terrible, and it's all your fault.

You and your stupidly unhealthy diet

of salty snacks and sugary fizzy drinks.

-Take this.

-But I thought you said...

Buck!

Buck!

-Buck!

-Shh! Do you want to get zapped?

It's important, though. It's about Dr Mu.

-Really?

-Yeah, see,

I was wondering what that horrible thing on his face was.

And then I realised -

it's his "Mu-stache"!

Do you get it? "Mu-stache"?

Oh, go on, it's funny!

Well, laugh then.

We're the mass-produced slaves of an intergalactic dictator

trying to organise a last-ditch rebellion

under the nose of an evil robot watching our slightest move,

all whilst working every hour of the day on no food.

Just what is it about that you find so amusing?

A-Mu-sing! Yeah, that's a good one!

Do you get it?

Oh, come on, Buck! Jokes are good for morale.

Jokes are good for getting you zapped.

-ROBOT:

-You will be quiet while you are working.

ROBOT CRIES

RUFUS SCREAMS

ROBOT SCREAMS

For a moment there, I thought I was really in trouble.

Have you been crying?

No, no, I haven't been crying, no.

Your eyes are red.

Are they?

Anyway, what are you doing here? Why aren't you in Mu's lab?

Come to think of it, where is here?

This is Planet Factorious

where Dr Muhahaha makes all his evil inventions and products,

-and this is the reject room where he sends all his failures.

-(SOBS)

Look at this. Hey, come on! Chin up!

-Don't cry.

-I'm a reject, a reject!

All right, um...

Well, look, you might not be very good at it,

but at least you're the best evil robot Dr Mu's got.

-I'm not! He's got someone new.

-(SOBS)

You will be quiet whilst you are working.

Energy spent flapping your stupid clone mouth parts

is energy not spent working for Dr Muhahaha.

Oh!

Yes, mighty K2.

And you...

-drinking pop is forbidden.

-Sorry.

Mighty K2.

And do you know why drinking pop is forbidden?

Yeah, I do! Cos you're a flipping killj...

Because of spills, Mighty K2.

Drinking pop is forbidden because we might spill the pop,

which does terrible damage to

this kind of delicate electronic equipment.

That is correct. Terrible damage.

Like the terrible damage I'll do to you if you break the rules again.

Now get back to work, clones. I'll be watching you.

-That's strange.

-Not really.

Dr Mu wasn't going to put up with me forever.

I can't blame him for moving on.

-I actually meant the toast-o-lators.

-Oh.

Every house on Earth received one of those this morning.

Mu's definitely up to something.

Yeah, something really, really brilliantly bad, I expect -

now I'm not there holding him back.

Look, you'd better get out of here before K2 finds you. I'll help.

Really? That's very kind.

You see, there I go again, not being evil.

Look, you've got to stop beating yourself up

over this whole "I'm not evil enough" thing.

Just start small, build up. Try sarcasm.

Oh, OK.

Um...I really like your moustache(!)

Ah! Yeah, good.

Good, very good.

Yeah, and that jacket is so cool(!)

Muhahaha!

Right. Prepare to send the signal.

Won't work.

Have the toast-o-lators been discovered?

-No.

-No!

Has the transmitter suddenly broken?

-No.

-No!

Has Rufus Hound turned up and ruined everything?

-No.

-No...

-ALARM

-What?

Oh, what?

Where is he?

The Planet Factorious.

Factorious! Curses!

Get me K2 on the evil phone right now.

Oh, come on. How long can it take?

Oh, I'm sorry(!)

Maybe you want to try looking through solid steel(!)

You know, you're really getting the hang of this sarcasm thing.

Thanks very much. I'm quite enjoying it, actually.

Well, he's still there.

Hello? Hello? Hang on a minute - the reception is terrible here.

OK, he's gone. You can go out now.

Hey! Who are you?

I'm Rufus Hound, from the telly?

I'm here to help.

-Really? That's great! Can you...?

-Gelina.

We don't know that we can trust him. He might be with K2.

-I think we can. He's got a...

-An oddly familiar face.

Oh, I was going to say a can of pop.

And we know how K2 feels about that, don't we?

Oh, terrible damage, delicate electronic equipment.

I am K2, I'm overly preoccupied with the nature of toast. I'm...

..standing behind us?

-Yup.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You were saying?

I thought so.

Rufus Hound.

All right, keep your knickers on.

You were misinformed. Only the Murder 1500 wears knickers.

Now come with me.

All right.

Get in. Down you go, Mr Human.

The prisoner, Dr Mu.

Thank you, K2.

Shall I damage him a bit for you, Dr Mu?

-What?!

-Maybe I could pull off his ridiculous moustache.

Oh, no. No, no. That will be all.

Oh, OK.

You know, it's no trouble, Dr Mu. Perhaps I could give him a wedgie.

-OK. How about a Chinese burn?

-Bye!

I could shake him a little bit.

All right, suit yourself. Just give me a call if you want anyone killed.

Yeah, you'd better go.

Rufus Hound.

Dr... EVIL LAUGH

Dr... EVIL LAUGH

D... EVIL LAUGH

D... EVIL LAUGH

D... Dr Muhaha! EVIL LAUGH

Dr Muhahaha-ha to you.

Well, come on, then. What's the plan with your toast-o-lators?

You want to know?

Yes.

You really want to know?

Yeah.

You really, really want to know?

Yes!

-Well, I'm not going to tell you!

-(LAUGHS)

Fine. I put it to you that

you designed and built these toast-o-lators,

forcing the clones in Factorious to make millions of them.

I might have.

And placed one for free in every home on Earth...

Maybe.

..as part of some no doubt evil scheme

to take over the rest of the universe.

Possibly.

Come off it, Mu. Your name's all over this.

In fact, your picture's even on the box.

Oh, yes! Handsome chap.

Well, all right, I admit it. I did it.

I put a toast-o-lator in every home on your planet,

and they're just waiting for me to give the signal

and then...they'll be activated.

Muhahaha!

And...

..the people of Earth suspect nothing.

Nothing, I tell you.

What exactly are these things going to do when you activate them?

Scorch our crumpets(?)

Nice idea.

Well, seeing as you know everything, Rufus Hound,

perhaps you should know a little bit more. Hmm?

It's all right.

Well, what the heck!

I'll just show you.

Stop it! Oh, hello, Rufus!

What's going on?

Thank you, Steve.

Behold!

Wow(!) It's not exactly Megatron, is it?

Yeah...

Gelina!

Witness...

..the power of the toast-o-lator

that I designed all on my own.

You're a maniac.

And when I fire this remote control at your world,

the toast-o-lator army will rise up, and Earth will be history.

Toast! Earth will be toast!

That's obvious, isn't it?

Shut up, Steve!

How could you be so defeatist?

So this remote control controls all the toast-o-lators?

Yes. Thank crikey someone's listening,

instead of always trying to tell me what they think.

I've been trying to tell you something for your own good.

You're the one who's not been listening.

My own good? Really? If it's all about me,

why are you constantly going on about an evil pay rise? Ah!

Rufus, have you seen Gelina?

I literally turned around, and she were gone.

SAD MUSIC

Oh, thanks. They really don't feed us enough in this p...

Hang on.

That's Gelina's face. Does that mean...?

Is this...?

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

-Oh, well.

-MUSIC STOPS

What are you doing?

What? So what if it's her toast? She won't mind.

No, it's not Gelina's toast - it's Gelina.

SAD MUSIC I think she would mind.

Oh.

I get it.

I'm so sorry.

Again.

Yeah...no, I get it.

-Where are the cameras?

-MUSIC STOPS

This is Prank Patrol, in't it?

Where's Barney?

No, no, what I'm trying to say is...

-(HIGH-PITCHED)

-Buck, will you listen to Rufus?

Mu turned me into a piece of toast.

-STEVE:

-Go on, then.

-MU:

-Say that again, and I'll shove that remote control up your nose.

-What remote control?

-The one over there by Rufus.

Bum hat! See what you've done?

After them.

I thought you were bread.

Oh, no, don't worry, just stunned.

Now, listen, Buck. Going to have to stop making these toast-o-lators.

They're really dangerous.

But K2 won't just let us stop.

No, we're going to have to think of something.

-GELINA:

-Right.

-And fast.

Hello.

Ah! K2!

Argh! Where?

It's not K2, it's Keith. He's not evil or dangerous.

Oh, thank you(!) That's exactly what I wanted to hear(!)

Ah! K2!

No! Keith! I literally just...

Oh, that. No, that is K2...!

KEITH WHIMPERS

Rufus Hound, you will regret returning to this factory.

Oh, and little Keith... I'll turn you into paperclips.

Oh, no! Please don't!

Here comes the pain.

Wah-hoo!

Wah-hoo-ah!

I'm really sorry, everyone.

Have you quite finished?

I've done something weird to my finger. Oh!

Argh...!

Oh, dear! Sorry about that.

Looks like he really goes to pieces in a crisis!

Oh, that K2 unit was my brother.

Well, not actually my brother. I mean, we weren't related.

In fact, he was trying to kill me, wasn't he, so never mind.

Now K2's gone, I'm going to get the clones to rise up against Mu.

Good plan.

And I'm going to put crumbs in his bed.

Good...weird toasty plan.

There he is. I knew he'd be here.

Yeah, so certain we had to check

an infinite number of other places first.

Shut up, Steve. Get him!

Going to have to go. Good luck.

Dr Mu, is there something I can help you with?

Keith, did you do that?

No, no, no, I mean, well, yes, I did, but I'm sorry, yeah.

Maybe I should never have gotten rid of you.

Well, I did mention, Dr Mu, that exile was a bit rash, but...

Muhahaha!

# Muhahahahahaha-haha!

# Muhahahahahaha!

# Earth peoples

# Nothing in this life is free

# Them toasters are not what they seem

# Hard luck, humanity

# Muhahahahahahahaha! Muhahahahahahahaha!

# Muhahahahahahahahaha!

# Muhahaha...ha! #

Oh, no! Come on! Come on!

No! Wha...?

You're too late, Rufus.

And nobody tells Mu what to do,

even if they try all day - mentioning no names, Steve.

-You really need to listen...

-Shut up, Steve.

My evil plan is going ahead.

And Earth is going to know what side its bread is buttered.

RUFUS: No...!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Yes! My plan is in action!

What?

-Nothing.

-Good.

I don't want anything distracting me from watching.

Argh!

Hound, why aren't you cowering with fear, hmm?

Why aren't you pleading with me to spare your pathetic planet? Hmm?

Do you want to tell him?

As you were.

-Power cord's too short.

-What?

DRAMATIC MUSIC FADES

No!

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

No!

No...!

To recap - your toast-o-lator,

the almighty creation that you designed all on your own,

could move about 10cm before it effectively defeated itself.

Yeah, all right.

Are they all gone?

Yup.

BEEP

Oh! Hang on! There is one still going.

Mind that lead.

One! BEEP

There's nothing you can do to save them, Hound.

Dr Mu, I'm back from my exile.

Oh, goody.

Oh, Rufus, you shouldn't have fizzy pop. K2 was very specific

about not getting it on all the delicate electronic equipment.

That's it! Bye!

Keith! You blithering idiot!

Ah, yeah. Oh, right, but I... OK.

Stand back! Oh.

Rufus! You're OK!

-(WHISPERS)

-Rupert!

And so are you.

What happened?

He distracted. I unplugged.

-(ECHOING)

-Sugary fizzy drinks. Fizzy drinks. Sugary fizzy drinks.

But why did I give myself a can of fizzy drink

if it wasn't to irreparably damage delicate electronic equipment?

You should...make a toast, eh?

-Hang on!

-BEEP

Didn't we convert the toaster to battery power?

It's brown bread!

But where did they all come from?

SHOUTING

-(CHANTING)

-Dr Mu! Smell the poo! Dr Mu! Smell the poo!

Dr Mu!

The clones are revolting.

Well, I find them pretty creepy myself,

but I'm going to need them to correct this design flaw.

What?

Oh.

Smell the poo! Dr Mu!

-SAD MUSIC

-I see what you mean.

And the...final toast-o-lator.

Sorry.

I see.

FAST REWIND

- Dr Mu... - No...!

I'm a reject.

My plan is in action.

Mu turned me into a piece of toast.

You're a maniac.

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# Earth peoples

# Nothing in this life is free

# Them toasters are not what they seem

# Hard luck, humanity

# Do you like your brains fried or toasted? Muhahaha-hahahahaha! #