The Mu Show Hounded

That'll never fit in my handbag. HE SNORES

'That's me - Rufus Hound.

'I'm a television presenter

'and every day I save the world.'

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha...

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

...and his geeky sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up with some new plan to conquer us,

and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

DISCORDANT MUSIC Not again!

Whoa!

'Right, off to my first day at work...

'again.'

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in, these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Oh, it's the new guy! Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

No, but you might recognise me from the X Factor.

Sometimes I play Dannii Minogue.

Well, come on, then. We haven't got all day.

Josh, your dinner's ready!

My TV programme's nearly finished!

DISTANT ECHOING VOICE: Josh...

DISTANT ECHOING VOICE: Josh...

SQUEAKY DISTANT VOICE: Come over here.

SQUEAKY DISTANT VOICE: I'm over here. Look at me!

SQUEAKY VOICE: Come on, yeah, I'm over here.

Help! Help me! Help me, pull me out of here!

-Mum!

-It's fish fingers.

-MU: Muhahaha!

-LAUGHTER AND GIGGLING

Muhahaha! Ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-What?

-It's just weird.

It's like me going, "Ste-he-he-eve!"

-every time I think something's cool.

-Shut up, Steve.

My laugh is not weird. And my animated antimatter plan is cool.

And it is going to win me control of Earth.

-The last planet, the last free planet, in the multiverse.

-HE LAUGHS

-Whatever.

-Shut up, Steve.

Uh, yes. Altogether now.

-Muhahahaha!

-SQUEAKY LAUGHING

Muhahaha! Yes. Excellent.

30 seconds to show time.

So, this experiment...?

It's basically a simple demonstration of nuclear fusion.

-Using a gherkin?

-Yeah, just in case.

-Just in case what?

-Oh, don't worry about it.

What's the worst that can happen, eh?

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

DIRECTOR: And 5, 4, 3...

On air.

Hello and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

The mystery into chemistry...

And the "Oh, Gee!" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Ramone Hound.

Today, we're going to be probing the atomic heart

of the universe using this small...

'And just as I'm getting going,

'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

Understanding the universe takes billions and billions of pounds.

Well, you're probably right.

Woahh!

Rudolph?

ALL LAUGH

It's actually quite uncomfortable, thank you for asking.

Aw! I take back what I said, that is the worst thing that could happen.

Look, can you not do that, Brian?!

HE MOUTHS

We have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

It's time.

Time to activate my utterly genius plan. How better to infiltrate

the earthlings' homes than with a cartoon?

A cutesy-wutesy, evil cartoon.

They'll sit down to watch and before they know it, they'll be gone.

-Gone, gone!

-HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Now, are you sure you're ready?

You both remember what I told you, right?

Yes, Steve.

Because it'll all go terribly wrong if you don't.

-Yes, yes.

-Spectacularly wrong.

He has got to be careful,

or it'll be like nothing evil ever even happened.

-Right-oh.

-So, should I...?

Oh, yes. Go on. Run it by me again.

OK. It's to do with the interesting effects of separation

on animated antimatter. Which means that when you blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

...Absolutely, positively can't leave the cartoon world.

-Got that?

-Midabana...

-Uh, yes.

-Great.

Activating evil plan now.

Muhahaha!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Dave?

Dave. Can you hear me, mate?

I'm at work.

You won't believe...

# CARMINA BURANA O Fortuna

Oh-ahhhhh!

Ahhhh!

MACHINE BEEPS

Not many so far.

It's programmed to start slowly.

We don't want anything going wrong this time.

Right. Because normally we totally heart it when things go wrong(!)

I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Aaaahhhhhh!

So, now I'm off to meet my future self

so he can send me on some harebrained mission.

Aaaahhhh!

-You.

-No, you.

From the future. How many more times?

All right, what do you want?

For you to exercise, change diet and adopt a daily shaving routine.

Yeah, all right, but apart from that?

-Your belt.

-What?

You heard me, myself. Hand it over.

So, why do you need my belt?

That's why.

Wooahh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh! I do make myself laugh.

Bye, now.

Aaaahhhh!

Gah! Cha! Kah!

Drah! Pah! Gah!

Fuh! Caht! Doit!

Hwah! Doah! Doey! Hah! Nuh! Hnwah!

Fuh! Nah! Doah!

Ow!

Wow!

No, I was right the first time. Ow!

Hey, you!

Where did you come from?

-What's wrong with your face?

-Very funny. It's a moustache.

No, no, no. You look, um...

-different!

-It's probably because I'm from Earth.

I'm not normally a cartoon.

-What are you doing here, then?

-I'm not sure yet.

Anything gone wrong lately?

-Um, my toilet's blocked.

-I'm not here for that.

But it's nice to meet you.

Ooh!

I'm so sorry.

I don't care who you are, you pull your trousers up!

Gelina! Gelina!

Gelina! Oh, Gelina!

A stranger just dropped out of the sky!

Oh, you've got one too.

Yeah, one that likes to pull his trousers down.

Look, I met my future self and he stole my belt!

And telling massive fibs!

It's not a fib! And I said sorry!

Hang on, did you just say somebody else has fallen out of the sky?

Yeah. There's loads of them. They're over there.

Dave!

-Dave?

-The first one!

Dave?! Dave?! Dave!

My evil plan only flipping-well works.

Works like a charm.

Except charms don't actually work, being magic and not rooted

in the physical sciences, and so therefore not being real.

Nerd!

Dave? Dave? Dave!

# CARL ORFF: Carmina Burana: O Fortuna

From across the globe, reports are coming in

of unexplained mass disappearances.

Official advice is not to panic.

ZAPPING OF PEOPLE BEING SUCKED INTO THE TV

Muhahaha!

I'm sorry, official advice is now panic.

Panic. Panic!

Panic!

PANIC!

Mate. OK, you really won't believe what just, just happened.

Is he here to fix the toilet?

He shouldn't be here at all.

It's usually just me.

We don't mind a few visitors...

Get off!

SHOUTING AND MOANING

...dropping in now and then.

Oh! Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Room for a few more, I think.

Ha-ha-ha! Ooh! He-he-he!

What happened?

Hold on, mate. It was a cartoon.

The Mu Show. One minute I was watching it...

So was I!

ALL: Yeah, I was watching that. Me, too!

Next thing I knew, I was here.

Dr Mu.

He's got to be behind this.

That evil maniac is overcrowding our world.

Yeah, by under crowding mine.

Trust Mu to do the evil double whammy.

# Oh, I'm an evil genius!

# I'm an evil genius!

# Nah, dah, dah, dah! Nah, dah, dah, dah! #

Do you like it?

# It's called the evil double whammy

# The evil double whammy

# Nah, hah, hah, hah... #

Steve, how many have we got?

-Um...

-Steve?

I could have sworn I just saw Rufus Hound.

Uh? How many have we got?

-4,000,675.

-Ha-ha-ha!

That'll do.

Time to evil phone a friend.

That is so '98. And it doesn't even work.

You're phoning more than one person and none of them's your friend.

Just do it. And they might want to be my friend.

They're the leaders of the Earth.

When they hear what you've got to say,

they're definitely not going to want to be your friend.

They might. We might bond over the whole

"put me in charge of your planet or you'll never see your people again".

DIAL TONE

This is the White House Presidential Hotline. Can I help you?

Please hold.

This is the red phone for the Kremlin, Russia.

Please hold.

Prime Minister here. Hold on, I'll just turn the television down...!

WOMAN: Hello, were you looking for the Prime Minister?

I'm afraid he's been sucked into the television.

I'm Mrs Witchell, the cleaner. Perhaps if it's an important call

maybe I could be of assistance?

(GERMAN ACCENT) Ya? I'm there.

MRS WITCHELL: Are there other people on this line?

Inconsequential earthlings,

I have got five million of your people... and counting.

If you ever want to see them again,

you will listen very carefully.

AMERICAN PRESIDENT: The USA does not negotiate with terrorists.

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT: Is this some kind of decadent American humour?

MRS WITCHELL: I don't know, I'm just a cleaner.

He-he-he, ha-ha-ha! Ooh, he-he-ha-ha-ha!

MRS WITCHELL: Hello? Hello?

So, we're agreed on the plan?

It'll never work.

We'll never breed a race of giant mice fast enough.

Buck, that is not the plan.

Really? Oh.

I thought that was the plan.

That was your suggestion for the plan.

We're going with Rufus's suggestion - go to Mu's lab and try

-and find out how to stop him.

-HE GASPS

We'll be fine.

Well, as fine as three people

on a death-defying mission to obtain information

from a vicious and galactically feared evil genius can be.

Three people?

Um...no.

You misunderstand.

We're not coming.

-Chickens.

-No, we're not.

We can't come.

If we leave here, we...

Um...mmm...

-Throw up?

-We disappear. Gone. The end.

Game...over. It's like we never even existed.

-Really?

-Yeah, it's really interesting, actually,

something to do with the effects of separating native antimatter

with the neutrons that form part of the electronic matter

-of the physical sense, you see?

-HE SNORES

Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So, simply put, it means that

we absolutely, positively can't leave the cartoon world.

Hang on, I'm a cartoon now.

What's going to happen to me if I leave here?

Will it be like I never existed?

You're not normally a cartoon, right?

Um...

You'll probably be OK.

-Um...

-Probably.

OK, well...

Let's find out.

Hit it. WATCH BEEPS

ALL: Woah!

So you've got all that?

Mm-hm. That's right.

I've kidnapped five million of your people and rising.

And I'm holding them to ransom

until you accept me as planetary overlord.

Yes, planetary overlord.

And if you do that, I'll return them.

-Of course I will, sillies!

-HE TUTS

OK. Well, current leaders of Earth, great to speak to you.

I'll just keep kidnapping whilst you make your minds up.

So, don't you take too long now!

And just remember...

Put me in charge...

or you'll never see your people again.

Muhahaha! I...oh...

They've gone.

Check this out.

In the absence of an official statement from the Prime Minister,

his...um...cleaner

has advised the British public to avoid watching the new Mu Show.

Now? Me?! I'd like to warn against watching the Mu Show.

It's a terrible, corrupting influence.

I noticed dirty surfaces everywhere, I wouldn't stand for dirty surfaces,

that's more my area of expertise, I'm a cleaner.

We repeat, Government advice is not to watch... Oooh!

-Ooh! Ha-ha-ha! Excellent.

-This is going really well.

In fact, the only person who could ruin things now is Rufus Hound.

Oh, yes. Hound. The virtuous fly in our evil ointment.

The good-hearted spanner in our diabolical plans.

ALARM BLARES

The moral cat amongst our villainous pigeons. The nice sandwich

that our naughty picnic is short of.

Well, I don't need to run a scan to check where he is.

Who?

-Singed hair.

-What?

Either you've been overdoing it with the straighteners again

or Hound is behind our console and he has just electrocuted himself.

Why couldn't you have told me this before?

(IN A FOREIGN ACCENT) Can anybody tell me the way to Leicester Square?

No?

Ah! Hound.

You're beaten, Hound, how do you like that?

Oh, dear.

-Has it made you feel a bit...down?

-HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Evil and funny - I really am the whole package!

You won't get away with this, you evil fiend.

That's DR Evil Fiend to you.

And I've already gotten away with it, DIY.

DIY?

He means FYI. For your information.

I mean, Earth's leaders - and their cleaner -

are going to hand over power to me in just a few short minutes.

Not factually accurate. The minutes are the same length as normal.

He's right about the plans though. Loser!

Yes. Thank you, Steve.

So there's nothing you can do to stop me, Rufus Hound.

Nothing you can do to send all your fellow earthlings back to...

Again, not wholly correct.

What, he can send them back?

You know that, I told you.

-I don't and you didn't!

-I did! Remember?!

I was talking about the interesting effects.

About how we had to be careful or it will be like

-nothing evil ever happened.

-WATCH BEEPS

-You did not!

-Did so! Did so, did so!

Don't talk to me in that tone in front of guests, young lady.

Sorry about her...

-He's escaped. After him!

-Where?

All the usual places.

Do we have to?

-I'll lead the way, shall I?

-Yeah.

# Who's that guy with the smiling face?

# Saviour of the human race

# He loves you and you love Mu

# His TV show will pull you through

# It's The Mu Show

# Mu Show

# Loveable, huggable, slightly snuggable

# Mu Show... #

Muhahaha!

# Human race in the palm of his hand

# He'll whisk you up to his cartoon land

# You love Mu now he's animated

# Mu wants you eliminated! #

Muhahaha!

Idiots. Now, what were they talking about?

I can send them all back.

COMPUTERS BEEP

Rufus, you said you'd help us.

There's too many people here. Help!

I'm sorry, guys.

Maybe I can't help, after all.

-LOUD FOOTSTEPS

-Rufus! Oh, no!

MU LAUGHS EVILLY

Buck and Gelina couldn't leave the cartoon world, because if they did

it would be like they'd never even existed.

HE SCREECHES

Right, you.

Either he's invisible or we've just been on a wild goose chase.

Curse that see-through Hound and his infernal geese.

No, that's not...

-What?

-Back to the lab.

The lab, yes. No, this way.

Come on!

No! If he comes completely out of the cartoon world, he'll...

Throw up? Yuck!

No. Disappear, and everything will go back to the way it was.

-What?

-Remember I told you?

-No.

-And I just told you I told you.

-Too strong.

-Thank goodness.

You're beaten again, Hound.

-This isn't over.

-What are you doing?

I'm pointing my phaser at you.

That's a banana.

No. It's a phaser camouflaged as a banana.

-HE LAUGHS

-Keep him talking.

Hmm? Huh? Right. No, no!

-You're bluffing.

-Am I?

-I don't know. Are you?

-No.

Right, well then, you've got us.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! HE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

HE SCREAMS

If the Mu character ever leaves the cartoon world, he'll disappear

and it'll be like he never even existed.

-Why couldn't you tell me this before?

-I did.

Why couldn't you have said it like that?!

Oh, yeah!

Score one for my belt-poaching future self.

And finally...

Thank you, Rufus, you have saved our world!

It was nothing. Always a pleasure to beat Dr Muhaha.

The only problem now is the blocked toilet.

Hello, the lovely Mr Hound sent me. I'm the cleaner.

Somebody here has been having a bit of bother with the toilet.

Oh! Thank you, Rufus.

Goodbye, Rufus.

-RUFUS: Bye, guys.

-Are you ready?

Come on, then. Follow me!

Never attempt anything without the gloves.

PHONE RINGS

HE LAUGHS

-Evil phone for you.

-Thank you.

AMERICAN PRESIDENT: I have a message from

the President of the United States of America.

-It is I.

-I quote, "You are a jackass."

RUSSIAN PRESIDENT: In Russia, we call you jackass.

Prime Minister here. I just want to agree

with my esteemed colleagues that you are indeed a significant jacka...

HE GIGGLES

Fine. Fine.

I never wanted to be Supreme Leader of the multiverse anyway, Hound.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Or maybe I do.

No-o-o-o!

FAST REWIND

FUTURE RUFUS: I do make myself laugh.

MU: Gone, gone.

-MU: Room for a few more, I think.

-GELINA: My toilet's blocked.

RUFUS: Everybody relax - I'm here.

'Ah, well, I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

'Or is that today?'

# He loves you and you love Mu

# His TV show will pull you through

# It's The Mu Show

# Mu Show

# Lovable, huggable, slightly snuggable Mu Show... #

Muhahahaha!