Terrorbyte Hounded

GENTLE MUSIC

Get your elbow out of my prune juice.

HE SNORES

DISCORDANT MUSIC

That's me - Rufus Hound.

I'm a television presenter...

..and every day I save the world.

Ah!

See him? Well, this ugly dipstick is the evil Dr Muhaha.

It's pronounced "Muhahaha".

And his geeky his sidekick, Steve.

Shall I?

Every day he comes up

with some new plan to conquer us, and every day I stop him.

What? Someone's got to do it. And that's not the half of it.

If, at the end of the day, I have beaten him, well,

he just hits rewind, and the whole day goes back to the beginning.

FAST REWIND

GENTLE MUSIC

DISCORDANT MUSIC

Not again!

Right, off to my first day at work...

again.

So, you'd think I'd know exactly what's going to happen.

Morning.

Unfortunately, it's not always that simple,

because Dr Mu's always coming up with a new plan.

Luckily, whatever world I'm in,

these two always turn up to help.

The only thing is, I never know what they're going to look like.

Last, but by no means least, is this good-looking chap.

That's me, from years ahead in the future.

Future Rufus likes to think he's helping,

but sometimes I'm not so sure it's not his fault I'm in this mess.

So that's it, in a nutshell.

You never know, maybe one day I'll wake up, and it'll be tomorrow.

BIRD CAWS

Or, at the very least, I'll remember about that bird.

OINKING

-Everybody relax - I'm here.

-Oh, it's the new guy.

Hi there, I'm Gill.

Hiya, I'm Barry.

That's odd - have I met you before?

No, but I have drawn this picture of you being sick into a flowerpot.

Well, come on, then, we haven't got all day.

MUSIC: "A Night On The Bare Mountain" by Mussorgsky

Mum! My puffin's gone. She's just vanished!

MAN: 30 seconds to show time.

Aw...it looks like my internet is still down.

I can't even get Puffin Portal.

-Sorry, "Puffin Portal"?!

-Yeah, haven't you heard of it?

It's wicked. It's like a social networking thing.

So you make your own puffin, and it sort of looks like you.

Look, let me show you mine.

Cute, no?

-Got nice flippers.

-Thanks.

So what's this experiment?

Ah, OK, we're testing out a new super-speed internet connection

that you can get through your water supply.

MAN: 10 seconds.

Oh, just wing it, you'll be great.

-No, but seriously...

-It's like riding a bike.

MAN: And in 5, 4, 3...

On air.

Hello and welcome to FunLab.

The show that puts the fizz into physics...

-The mystery into chemistry...

-And the "Oh, gee" into biology.

And kicking off today's experiment is brand-new presenter Rowan Hound.

Every time.

I'm here to talk about a brand-new kind of internet connection...

'And just as I'm getting going,

'my meddling future self turns up to ruin my day.'

There is a new way, apparently,

using the pipes that bring water into your home.

So, can it really be done? Let's...Oh! Ah!

Rudolf?

MAN: We have a technical hitch. FunLab will resume shortly.

Look at it, Steve. The internet - torrents of raw data.

Tiny zeros and ones,

kilobytes, megabytes, gigabytes, um...

-Terabytes.

-Yes, terabytes...

-Cheesy bites?

-Petabytes, zettabytes, yottabytes.

Yes, well, this isn't a maths lesson.

Anyway, it's not about the data.

The internet is the very lifeblood of Earth.

All the important websites - government information,

online banking,

Dizzee Rascal's blog.

Their whole feeble planet depends on it,

and I'm taking it away from them.

Oh! And look at this...

some of those little avatars

those Earth people get so pathetically attached to.

-HE LAUGHS EVILLY

-Muhahaha!

Steve?

How long before we have stolen the whole internet?

Er, about 15 minutes, but I still don't get why you're doing this.

Because I intend to hold the Earth to ransom.

Without the internet, the entire Earth will be brought to its knees,

and, until they pay me a billion trillion dollars,

I shall destroy the internet forever.

Er, a billion trillion dollars?

-Yes, why?

-Hmm.

-What?

-Well, actually, there isn't that much money in the world.

If you'd said a billion billion,

well, then, that's fine, but a billion trillion?

I reckon you're out by... 8 powers of 10.

-I mean, if you were using the logarithmic scale, then...

-Silence!

Now the test phase is over, turn the power to maximum suck.

Soon the Earth will be mine,

and all will behold my power and majesty.

Dr Mu, the immortal,

the unstoppable, the...

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, that would be the shopping.

So, now I'm off to meet my future self,

so he can send me on some hare-brained mission.

Argh...!

THUD

I was wondering when you'd show up.

The Earth is in great danger, so this is very important.

Pull my finger.

-No.

-Oh, go on.

Pull my finger! Why not?

Because I'm you, so I know what happens.

I pull your finger and you make some disgusting "Pfft" noise or whatever.

I won't, I promise.

This is important.

Pull my finger...hard.

-CRUNCH

-Ah!

-Ah! Ah!

FUTURE RUFUS LAUGHS

Best gag ever, that. It's a fake finger!

Keep it - you'll know when to use it.

-Will I, though?

-Well, probably.

The Earth won't save itself.

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

-What was that?

-Probably the storage tank giving way.

It's not designed to hold the entire internet, you know.

-I bet you haven't even insured it.

-Of course I...

..haven't.

How long until my evil plan is complete?

You could just say "plan", you know?

I think the "evil" is a bit of a given by now.

-Six minutes.

-Oh, no.

ALARM SOUNDS

What's that?

It's that Rufus Hound again.

It says he's here in the lab.

Impossible! If he was here in the lab, we'd be able to see him.

Unless he was...

Unless he was hiding behind the big tank, yeah.

You all right, Mu?

It's Dr Mu.

Well, he says that, but I've never seen a certificate.

Well, look, you kids carry on with what you were doing, I'm just off.

-Be lucky.

-Er, I think not, Hound.

You know too much.

Well, you say that,

but there are plenty of gaps in my general knowledge.

Classical music, geography, the point of the Jonas Brothers...

You know the best way to brush upon your general knowledge...

The internet!

What did you do that for, Steve? Get after him!

There's no point, is there?

He's done for, isn't he? He's gone into the internet.

And I think we both know

where the internet is going to be in five minutes.

THEY LAUGH EVILLY

-Sorry, where exactly?

-In the tank!

Ah! Right!

Yes!

No, I'm talking about the new bloke.

You know, about six foot, blond, funny beard? No?

Where do you think he went?

I could be going crazy,

but I swear I just saw Rufus Hound flying through the CBBC website.

What?

Oh, he's gone now.

MUSIC: "Surfin' Bird" by The Trashmen

Ah...!

THUD

Ooh.

I don't believe it.

I'm in that Puffin Portal website.

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-Are you here to help us?

-SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-All our friends are disappearing. Entire families are just vanishing.

My school's gone, Mum's house has gone...

I've lost me red shoes.

I'm trying to be serious.

I'm sorry, I was just trying to cheer you up, Gelina.

Stop, there's people!

Look, there's not really time to explain,

but I do know what's happening.

-Dr Mu is stealing the internet.

-Oh, yeah, pull the other one.

Next you'll be telling us there's some sort of big, scary tractor beam

sucking everything up or something.

Why are you all staring at me like that?

No! No...!

Run!

Right. It's on, is it? Yes, good.

People of Earth, I am your new master.

Yes, me...

It needs something else.

What about...? Oh!

All-powerful master.

Makes you sound like a chess player.

All right, um, people of Earth,

I am your new...

iron ruler.

Now you sound like a bit of stationery.

All right, Steve!

-ALARM

-What was that?

A problem on Puffin Portal.

One of the puffins hasn't been sucked up.

Something's interfering with the data flow.

-Rufus Hound.

-Hound?

I knew we should have got rid of him.

He says that now.

Maybe we could delete his bitstream.

Oh, well, sounds painful...

go on.

-He's in the internet, right?

-Right.

So, technically, he's just data at the moment.

If we could get his exact IP address, then we could erase him,

suck him into that tank along with the rest of the data.

Piece of cake, if you like cake.

-I hate cake.

-All right.

Yes, erase him.

And I think I know just how to find him.

Let me have a go at these controls.

Here we go - one evening class, and suddenly he's an expert.

If you want to find someone on the internet, use a search engine.

-That won't work.

-Shush. OK...Rufus...Hound.

COMPUTER: Rufus Hound - 122,218 results.

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

-I told you that wouldn't work.

-There are loads of Rufus Hounds.

-Yes.

-Rufus Hound, the morris dancer in Stoke-on-Trent.

-Yeah.

-Rufus Hound,

the Russian table tennis player. Rufus Hound, the nun...

Well, all right, you look through all of them and find him...somehow.

Anyway, meanwhile,

it's time to address the pathetic people of Earth.

I've just one question for you, Steve...

do I look like an evil genius?

Muhahaha! Don't answer that.

WOMAN: 'And that breaking news again - the planet is in chaos

'After a suspected terrorist attack on the internet.

'Every website in the world has been erased,

'the stock market has shut down,

'and this afternoon's repeat of The Legend Of Dick And Dom

'has been postponed indefinitely.'

'People of Earth,

'I am your new grand master.'

GIGGLING

'(Shut up, Steve.)'

'I have the internet and I'm holding it to ransom.

'Unless you pay me a billion...

'no, a trillion dollars,

'I shall destroy it...forever.

'Muha...muha... muhahaha!'

Ah. Well, what do you think, Steve?

I thought it was a bit... I don't know, a bit girly.

-We're still switched on!

-What? We're still what?

-Come on!

-Buck!

Come on! This is awful.

If Mu's stealing all those websites, the Earth's really in tr...

I'm being insensitive, aren't I?

You just lost your friend.

Oh, it's OK. I mean Buck'll be OK, won't he?

I mean he's strong, he's got big claws, he can fight for himself.

SHE LAUGHS THEN SOBS

I'm never going to see him again!

Come on,

don't cry.

Blow your...beak.

What is that?

Just your tail feathers.

Oh.

Look, wherever Buck's gone,

I'll find him, I'll bring him back to you.

-Really?

-Promise.

SQUELCHING

Rufus Hound Laundry Services.

Ruth Hound, Budgie Detective Agency,

Rufus Hound...

There...! There!

Gotcha!

Location...

146.28, and...

erase!

What's happening?

I can't hold on...!

-No! No...!

-Hold on...!

Come on.

No, Mum, it's on the blink here too.

Hang on, I'll check Puffin Portal.

Hold on.

'Barry!

'Barry!'

No, this isn't happening.

I've got to stop having so much sugar on my cereal.

'I need you to do a web search for Dr Muhahaha.'

I'll try.

Um, I've got a MuCorps.

There's an e-mail address for enquiries.

Great! Can you send me there as an e-mail?

I think so, if I use internal e-mail.

Hang on, I can send you as an attachment.

OK...

Ready to send.

Done. Bye.

ANGRY BABBLING

Mum? Yeah, it's me again.

Do we have any sugar-free cereals at home?

Steve, does this look like a Rufus Hound to you?

Does it?

-Does it?!

-No.

No. No, it does not, Steve.

It looks like a puffin.

A puffin, Steve!

But don't you see? Rufus and the puffin were in the same location,

so she must know where he is.

PING!

That's weird, we've got an e-mail.

Haven't had one of those since that advert for disposable pants.

I'll just open it and...

Oh, yay! I knew you'd find me!

You should know better than that, Mu.

Opening unknown attachments can be dangerous.

Hound...

I thought I'd deleted you.

Well, only to the recycle bin.

Well, you're too late, the internet is all mine.

Including your pretty little puffin friend here.

You let me go!

Yeah, you let her go, or I'll, um...

You'll...?

-You'll what?

-I'll, um...

You'll what?

-You'll...?

-Well, I'll, um...

Rufus!

Oopsie!

What?

Oh, don't tell me you got attached to her.

She's just zeros and ones. It's just like deleting a file on a disk.

-She was more than that.

-Aw(!)

The transfer's complete, Dr Mu.

A billion billion dollars.

Looks like you're too late.

The governments of Earth have just paid me all of their money.

-All of it...to me.

-But you'll do as you say?

You'll give them back the internet?

Oh, yes, yes, of course.

I mean, I'm a man of my word.

In fact, I'll show you exactly what I'm going to do with your internet,

exactly what I always planned to do.

No...!

Muhahaha!

-It's all deleted.

-Perfect!

So finally the Earth will have to accept me as their new grand master.

Their precious internet is gone forever.

Well, unless someone restores it from the cache.

What?

The cache. You know, the big backup copy of everything on the internet?

If someone managed to get to the cache and restore it,

well, then everything would get put back.

I tried to tell you, but you were too busy

picking the right-coloured shirt to want to know. It's just over there.

Where?

There it...

Oh! Argh!

I sometimes wonder whose side you're on, Steve. After him!

No, you go - I've just got to go and check something on the orangulator.

Argh!

Muhahaha!

# Mu ha! Real superbad Mu ha! Come on!

# Everyone pays or he will erase

# All facts and memories Unhappy days!

# We want Mu, we want Mu We want Mu as the new King Mu

# Mu ha! Let me hear you say Mu ha! Come on! Mu ha!

# Real superbad Mu ha! Ah, yeah! #

Muhahahaha!

Ah...! THUD

Ah, you must be data attribute B67, also known as Hound.

And you must be a hit at parties(!)

I am the Keeper of the Cache.

-Catchy title.

-You want to know where the backup computer is

so you can reverse the damage, the damage, the damage, done by Dr Mu.

Yes!

Follow these directions, although please bear with me.

I'm having some connection problems,

problems, problems, problems, problems.

It's down that aisle.

Take the third exit, third exit, third exit,

third exit, third exit,

third exit, third exit, third exit, third exit, third exit, third exit,

third exit, third exit on your left.

Keep going and you'll find the reset switch at the end of the corridor.

Goodbye, thank you,

and take, take, take, take, take...

-Thanks very much.

-..Take, take, take, take...

CLATTER

MUSIC: 'Halloween Theme' by John Carpenter

Oh! There it is!

-Access denied. Two more attempts.'

-Oh, come on!

-'Access denied. One more attempt.'

-Oh, come on!

Ah-hem.

Give it up, Hound. It's over.

'Pull my finger, pull my finger, pull my finger.'

Of course!

Ready to be erased...permanently?

'Access permitted.'

What?

-'Restoring internet from backup.'

-WHIRRING

HE LAUGHS

No! No!

Happiness and confusion as the internet is returning to Earth.

ALL: Yes!

THEY CHEER

'Strangely, the ransom money has also been repaid in full.'

MUSIC: "Fight For This Love" by Cheryl Cole

RUFUS CHUCKLES

Nice one, puffins.

-Steve... Come on, come on.

-Yeah...

I don't think so, Dr Mu. Step away from the button. The jig is up.

Rufus Hound.

HE CHUCKLES

OK, you've got me, fair cop.

I congratulate you. You've won.

Thanks.

I've won?

However did you do it - restoring the internet?

It certainly was very impressive.

Oh, well, fair play to Future Rufus on this one.

He reprogrammed one of the fingerprint panels at the cache

to only accept this joke digit.

Could I ask what the joke is?

Oh, sure, you'll like this one. Pull my finger.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Whatever you say.

HE CHUCKLES

PARP!

BOTH LAUGH

Ohh...

You fool. Say goodbye, Rufus Hound!

SLOW MOTION: No-o-o-o!

FAST REWIND

-Pull my finger.

-I'm your new master.

Third exit, third exit, third exit...

I was wondering when you'd show up.

-Aaah!

-The internet.

Everybody relax - I'm here.

Ah, well. I'm definitely going to beat him tomorrow.

Or is that today?

# Muhahaha

# Mu, ha Real superbad

# Mu, ha Come on

# Look at that Mu Oh, the things he can do

# Like stealing the internet A thumb or a few

# The data pipe is suck, suck, suckin'

# At blank screens we'll be lookin'

# A handsome ransom must be paid or humankind will be enslaved... #