Minty Freshman Jinx

# Can you keep a secret? Sneaky and a treat

# A dash of something tasty Just you wait and see

# The magic in my story Turned you upside down indeed

# No matter what the trouble is

# I've got a recipe

# Mixing up the flavour

# With a trick right up my sleeve

# Stir it up a little more And then we're going to see

# Cooking up a story That is good for magazines

# Sprinkle this, sprinkle that Stir it up and see. #

By adding turmeric and chive to that bagel,

I know how you can make tree branches grow out of her head.

I don't want branches growing out of her head.

They'd have blossom!

What?

Oh! She's here.

Is that it? "She's here." Hmph! I'm welcome.

Yo, yo, yo!

Awww! I should get me one of those!

-All right, I'm ready. Let's go.

-Where are we going?

Today's our day! Minty and Lulu day.

Finally some serious mum and step-daughter bonding.

You didn't get the memo.

Sorry, Minty.

No problemo! I've got you a scooter too.

Let's hit the boutiques, rock some accessories and party till dawn!

Iconic!

I can't. It's Wednesday. I've got school.

Come on! It'll be totally gnarly to the max!

Don't you say "totally gnarly to the max" anymore?

I can't believe I'm this out of touch with my homies.

Actually, we don't say "homies" much anymore, either.

Whoa!

You mean... Am I...?

Is "uncool" the word you're looking for?

-Hey, gorgeous.

-Can't talk! Must update mouth!

TINNY MUSIC PLAYS Minty OK?

Oh! Chip! Let me help you open that ketchup bottle.

You left your music player here last night.

I borrowed it - I hid, HID it, in case Torquil sold it.

-That's not mine.

-Well, it's a good beat.

Ha! I think... I think it's Frenchy singing.

Dad.

Dad! We talked about this.

Ah! No dad-dancing while you're in the room. I'm sorry.

Nearly got it!

Thanks.

What did you do that for?

I could have pretended that lid was stuck for another 45 minutes.

Forget Chip. Is this you?

Do you like it? I wrote it myself. No biggie.

You write songs? You never said! This is huge! People should know.

Noooo, they shouldn't, Lulu. I'm glad you like it,

but I don't want you doing anything Lulu-esque, OK?

You know me. Wouldn't dream of it.

BELL RINGS

This is you not doing anything?!

It's just the school talent show.

And it's to raise money for the hall after the roof collapsed.

You want me to sing for tiles?

No, to show everyone how talented you are.

Is this really about my song or your funny but, let's face it, Lu,

not majorly successful ventriloquist act in last year's talent show?

People said Mr Squiggles was groundbreaking!

He was a sock with ping-pong ball eyes.

OK, so maybe it's a little bit about that,

but, him aside, your song could really win this for me.

Us! Us.

And look at first prize.

A half-day at a recording studio.

An actual recording studio!

Wow!

I've got a good feeling about this. This is SO our week.

FRENCHY SQUEALS

I'm NOT just a girl with a sock.

Minty?! What are you doing here?

Er...double geography, I think.

Shh! Settle down, everyone.

We have a new member of class starting with us today.

Stand up, Varaminta. You may have noticed that Varaminta is...

slightly older than the rest of the class.

Er, yeah! Was she kept back, like, 50 years?

Because she is actually writing an in-depth article

about modern life as a 14-year-old.

An article which is bound to mention how wonderful the teaching

and some of the other girls at school are.

Text me. We'll talk.

OK. WHAT is this?

I'm re-immersing myself in the world of the 14-year-old.

-And it's all thanks to you!

-Me?

You said I was out of touch with the modern teenager.

Thank you for your honesty.

You're SUPPOSED to be out of touch with the modern teenager.

-On account of the fact you're NOT a teenager!

-Shhh!

Inside, I am.

Kill me now.

# Friday takes me away

# All of Saturday I'm up in heaven

# Sunday leads me astray

# So Monday finds me Waiting for Friday to come

# Friday to come! #

OK. Let's go again.

Again?! We just did it 11 times. We've got to get back to school.

DON'T make me go back. Minty will be there.

-But you put up with her here.

-You can't mix home Lulu and school Lulu.

It's like mixing...

-What's that stuff Chip's always on about?

-Mozzarella.

Matter and anti-matter. The world could implode!

Torky, put it on there.

-What's going on?

-Just rehearsing.

To get to the heart of the 14-year-old experience,

I have to throw myself into every school activity.

-Like the talent contest.

-Haven't you embarrassed me enough?

Whoa, Mrs B! Great fingers.

Thanks, Frenchy. Didn't I ever tell you about my pop career?

Uh! Boring!

-Your what?!

-I was half of the band, Legwarmer Party.

I think there's a picture in my bag.

Back then, I was Varaminta Angel,

and that was my boyfriend, Martin Folkly,

and this pic was the cover of our debut single, Miserable Journey.

# Life is a miserable journey

# Pleasure just a myth

# Join me on my miserable journey

# We'll seal it with a kith. #

Always hated that rhyme.

Whoa, Mrs B! So, what happened?

We charted at number six and split.

And this is your comeback?

On a kids' talent show?

And until the end of term, I'm 14.

May the best teenager win.

Fine! Rehearse. See if I care.

But it's just a talent contest, Mummy. Why can't I enter?

Because I don't want you prancing around on stage like an idiot.

MUSIC: "Miserable Journey"

What's that music?

Mummy...what are you doing?

I recognise that song.

That's disturbing.

Whoa! For once I agree with the Frenchster.

Shame!

Varaminta Angel!

Mummy! Stop it!

Sing along if you know the words, Legwarmer fans.

# Life is a miserable journey

# Pleasure just a myth... #

Love the singing!

And, and I, and I love you. W-w-when I was 18, I wanted to be you.

Of course you did!

Great! So the talent show judge is the world's biggest Legwarmer fan!

-Not so good.

-Huh!

Not so good?

You've got more chance of winning X Factor against Simon Cowell's mum.

That's it! Cookie! Forget it. We just need a recipe to stuff them!

Frenchy!

Are you sure this isn't, you know, cheating?

Cheating? Right. That's it.

Do you want a piece of me, do you?

Frenchy, isn't an ex-professional adult

-entering an amateur kids' competition cheating?

-Good point.

Besides, this stuff will just make it a fair contest.

Menace minestrone.

Whoa! Sounds a bit heavy.

Oh, don't worry. We're just going to use the froth.

Fright froth. Minty drinks it, gets horrible stage fright,

pulls out of the competition, and we win.

Knockout plan!

Hi, Frenchy. You look good.

Torquil, what are you doing?

Rehearsing. For the talent show.

Me and Denny are doing the magic act.

The great Tork-dini.

This is me escaping from a straitjacket in under three minutes.

-How long have you been up there so far?

-About four hours.

Won't hold you up, then!

-You know what's missing here?

-Caffeine! Fancy a coffee?

An audience. I need to rehearse in front of an audience.

Grrr!

Ladies and gentlemen!

Please feel free not to talk, chew or swallow while I rehearse.

Enjoy your evening.

Er...

quick coffee to...lubricate... your vocal cords?

Coffee? For the vocal cords?

I don't think so!

-CREAKING

-Vegetable froth?

Aahhh!

I did it!

I'm on a roll. Thanks.

Oh, n...

Ugh! Tastes like vegetables!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am Tork-dini,

-master of the weird.

-You can say that again.

He drank the froth. Shouldn't he be too scared to carry on?

Behold...

the power of Torquil!

-Cookie!

-Oh! It's coming back to me, um...

Fright froth doesn't give the performer stage fright.

It makes the audience afraid of the performer!

I've never been so scared. Let's run away and never come back!

Fight it! Frenchy, it's the froth! We have to fight it!

-Aaarrghhh!

-Aaarrghhh!

I am the new dark prince of magic.

Eh, Denny?

Aaarrghhhh!

Gaah!

Hi, Frenchy. Want to make magic?

Sorry! Can't.

So, what are you doing now, Torky?

Looking for an assistant. Denny's still too terrified to work with me.

I need someone who doesn't overthink things.

Someone who's good at obeying commands.

-Chip! Get in that box!

-OK.

And he's passed the audition!

OK, I spoke to the Head, and he said Mrs K can't perform with Minty

-and still judge the competition.

-Brilliant!

So, that means that tonight's winner will be decided by audience vote.

We're actually in with a chance!

-# Join me on my worthwhile journey

-Journey!

# With all your kin and kith

-This is going to be last year all over again!

-You don't know that.

Hey, cuz! Look what I found in that box! "Hello!"

Not funny! Take him away!

All right, touchy. Come on, Mr Twiggles.

-Squiggles!

-"Hhhww!"

Cookie!

If you expect another apology for the fright froth, tough.

Talk to the wand, because this fairy ain't listening.

I need you to find something else to nobble Minty.

I'll look, but it won't be easy.

Come on, your bag's not that big.

-Is she looking?

-Yeah, but we're running out of time!

Time for the show, everyone! It's show time!

Nnrraaagh!

APPLAUSE

Prepare for disappointment.

As I'm performing in the show this year,

I can't act as the brilliantly funny compere

that you've come to know and love.

So, please welcome... the only person we can get at very short notice.

Mr Mike Baker!

Yes! Good evening! Thank you!

Thank you very much to Mrs Kilbraith

for that truly indifferent introduccione!

A lot of you might know me from Gina's cafe,

so you could say you've already had a pizza my humour!

Ha ha ha! Anyway, let's crack on.

Without further ado, it gives me great pleasure

to introduce the first act of the evening.

Put your hands together for... what's that?

Tina Trubshaw and her amazing plates of wonderment!

-CRASHING

-In your own time, Cookie!

-Got it!

-Hmm!

Youthing yoghurt. She wants to be 14 again? This'll do it.

Brilliant! We're going to turn her into a 14-year-old!

-When she was 14, she wasn't a professional singer.

-That's perfect!

Totally not cheating, because that just makes us the same age.

Plus, I've always wanted to see if youthing yoghurt actually works.

-What?

-Nothing!

Bla-la-la-la-la, betchley, blighter, boresome, butter-r-r-r-r...

-Taking care of that velvet voice?

-Hmm!

Here, have yoghurt for the vocal cords.

Cool...

ing!

Thanks, Lulu.

Oh!

Oh, dear!

Waaaaaaa!

It was meant to make her 14!

Yeah...ballpark, you know.

We're only, what, 13 years and 7 months out, give or take.

Waaaaa!

-Aw, she's so cute!

-CRASHING

Lulu, can you hurry up? We're running out of plates in there.

Aw! Cutie pie!

Lulu, we can't leave Min...I mean, this little baby out here.

Yeah, you're absolutely right. Dad...

-Waaahhaaaa!

-Take the baby.

Lulu!

Uuhhf! I'll look after the baby, you sing the song

-and you'll owe me big time.

-Wooaaaaa!

Uuhrr! Shush!

Oh, even in a nappy, she's still trying to stitch me up.

Looks like Minty's finally bonded with a 14-year-old.

Sorry, Lu, but this baby needs me. Don't you, diddums?

Where is Varaminta? I thought she came out here.

Er, she did...but then she sneezed.

Said she was going down with something and ran off.

Oh! She can be such a baby.

-So is that both your acts cancelled?

-No.

I'll perform Frenchy's song solo. And I'll win, for Frenchy.

Minty can't beat me, so I'll win.

-And everyone will hear my song.

-And I'll win!

Not necessarily, because I'll perform Varaminta's song.

When I was 18 I wanted to be her.

Now that I'm...29-ish, this is my big chance!

-# ..Friday to come! #

Yes! Thank you, Lulu. What an amazing voice, everyone.

Absolutely incredible! Thank you, Lulu!

OK, next up we have two boys who will quite literally enchant you,

and I don't mean Harry Potter and Ron Weasley.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Be no stranger to danger.

Let's give it up for The great Tork-dini!

And his mysterious assistant, Chipesco!

Denny's costume doesn't really fit well.

-Anywhere!

-Get in, no-one will notice.

Ahem.

Pchoo!

And Chipesco has disappeared!

Yes, that's right, completely disappeared!

Er...eh! It's hot in here!

He's still in there! AUDIENCE BOO

All right!

Behold!

Eww! That's gross!

And now, they've completely disappeared!

Thank you! Thanks!

Is this where I come out?

Ah, thank you, Torquil and, er, Chip.

Right, next up, our final act of this evening.

It's also a change to the listed programme.

-Waaaaaaa!

-Instead of hearing Legwarmer Party,

I want to introduce to the stage the remarkable Mrs Abigail Kibraith,

performing as Legwarmer Afterparty!

# Life is a miserable journey

# Pleasure just a myth... #

OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, the votes have now all been collected

and are being tabulated as we speak.

Well done, Lu. You sang really well. You did way better than Mrs K.

Thanks, French. Told you this is my - er, OUR week.

You've won, Mummy. I know you have.

Aw, thanks, poppet. I know I have, too.

Right! The moment we've all been waiting for. It's very exciting.

Here we go. By popular vote, the winner of tonight's competition is

the one, the only,

the great...

Tork-dini!

-Huh?!

-Huh?!

Torquil!

The public have spoke, Lu-loser!

Dad! Torquil entered as a magic act, but all he did was eat cakes.

Made them disappear, didn't I?

-Hey pesto!

-I think you'll find it's "presto".

Pesto can be magic, too. Buh-dum chhh!

Hey presto, then!

Ooh, Mike!

This is SO not my week.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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