Humble Pie and Mash Jinx

# Can you keep a secret? Sneaky and a treat

# A dash of something tasty

# Just you wait and see

# The magic in my story Turned you upside down indeed

# No matter what the trouble is I've got a recipe

# Mixing up the flavour

# With a trick right up my sleeve

# Stir it up a little more And then we're going to see

# Cooking up a story That is good for magazines

# Sprinkle this Sprinkle that

# Stir it up and see. #

LAUGHTER

Hello, losers.

How's life in Loserville?

Is that anywhere near Leeds?

Penny, could you be nasty and irritating from further away?

Like, Belgium.

You're lucky I'm bothering to insult you.

Normally I wouldn't even give you the time of day.

It's 12:30.

I'm here because I like gloating so much.

Oh, so she's gloating.

There's me thinking she had trapped wind.

My mum's won an award.

Oh! There's an award for world's most boring detention?

It's a National Institute For The Teaching Of Youth award.

For most inspirational mathematics class.

I'll be selling photos of the award, autographed by Mummy, for £5 each.

Don't be ridiculous!

Yeah, I wouldn't give more than £3.50.

My parents are just as inspirational as yours.

Here we are - super cheese fiesta supreme. Enjoy!

Oh, yes - your dad warms dough for a living.

Don't diss my dad. He's not just a pizza chef - he's...

He's a TV star.

BOTH: He is?

Yes! I was, ahem, saving it as a surprise.

But, um, he's going to be... guest chef on The Cooking Channel.

You're so making that up!

And just in case you think I'm making it up - I am SO not.

My dad. The Cooking Channel. Soon. 100% he's doing it.

Word.

Dad!

You have GOT to audition for The Cooking Channel.

Nah. Come on, Lulu.

I'm no good in those high-stress being watched situations.

That's why I gave up cage fighting.

Well, all right - playing the recorder.

But a good chef deserves to be more famous than other people's parents.

On TV, everyone will see how special you are.

Oh, am I special?

I know you are.

Aw...

But that's not good enough!

The world should know it... and Penny Kilbraith.

So, comb your hair - we are making an audition tape!

OK - let's try one more time.

Uh, you said that the last 16 times.

Yes, I know, but this time you're going to get it right.

Get up. All you have to say is,

"Hi, I'm Mike Baker,

"and I'm going to show you how to make a yummy cheese and ham pizza."

It's so easy!

Ooh! What are we doing?

Making Dad's audition tape for The Cooking Channel.

Why didn't you call me?

Waah!

Stand up straight!

Chip, turn over.

That means start the camera.

Torquil - roll sound.

And Mike, remember - PAF!

Poise, attack, focus!

All right, we're losing the light here, people!

Action stations!

Hi, I'm...

-SHE MOUTHS

-No, don't help me. I'll get it in a minute.

Oh, yeah - OK, do help me.

Mike Baker.

I'm...Bike Maker. Ow!

-Sorry.

-Ah-ya! Ow!

Sorry.

Cut!

That was disturbingly bad.

Actually, it was brilliant compared to our other 86 takes.

I'm too tired!

Everyone take ten.

Ten minutes? Right.

And you're sure this will work?

Confidence custard -

one sip and your dad'll have more front than Brighton beach.

Trust me!

Oh, I do!

Absolutely.

It's just that whenever you say, "Trust me,"

things always go horribly wrong.

I resent that!

Even if it is true.

Dad!

Why don't you try some of my delicious, warm...

smoothie?

All the big chefs are drinking it. It helps with...your...recipes?

Hi!

Today we are gonna make a delicious arrabiata - mwah!

To do this, we need a couple of saucepans,

and a couple of tomatoes!

Now, we fill one saucepan with water.

Like so.

And then we add the pasta.

Now, for this I'm using angel hair pasta.

And the ingredients go into the other saucepan.

Join me after the break to find out what happens next.

Cut it!

I am SO good with actors! That was iconic!

Ooh!

Eh? Eh?

-LULU SQUEALS

-Yes! Dad is going to be such a hit!

Suck on that, Penny!

Well? Did you hear anything?

-LULU SIGHS

-The Cooking Channel...

loved the tape!

I'm texting everyone I know to tell them he's going to be a big TV star.

Look - this is really going to impress your dad!

I made meringue.

Oh...

Um, great, Chip, but I think I'll go with something a little lighter.

Hello? Service!

Dad?!

Ciao, bambinos!

Well, what do you think? Huh?

The new made for TV image.

Dad, well done! I'm so...

Uh! Mind the hair, mind the hair!

But it is great...for them!

In fact, they love it so much,

they want to make me a guest presenter permanently!

Starting on Friday!

Woo-hoo! Go, Mikey!

And I wouldn't be seen dead

drinking anything less than Krug Clos Du Menil - eugh!

All the more for me, then.

Uh, Lulu? I know your dad's supposed to be confident,

but is he supposed to behave like an ass?

He's still just getting used to being on TV. That's all.

Uh, what do you think of my new signature?

Mrs K! Two for lunch?

-Yeah, right(!)

-Heavens, no!

We're just here to distribute these - invitations for the NIFTY awards.

The organisers want my whole class there

for my moment of supreme glory on Friday.

F-F-Friday?

I'm sorry, Mrs Kilbraith, I can't do that. My dad... I have plans.

Do those plans involve spending the next five years in detention?

-No.

-Good-oh! See you on Friday.

Not if I can help it!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

I just want to congratulate you on your award.

And give you...this.

I'm chocolate intolerant.

-Coconut cupcake.

-I don't like coconuts.

-Strawberry cupcake.

-I like strawberries.

But I LOATHE cupcakes.

Forget the cupcakes.

What I wanted to say, was that we, your pupils,

are so proud of you that we wanted to throw you a party

to celebrate the news of your richly deserved award.

For free?

A party? For me?

Yep! The whole school's invited.

Hope Friday's OK for you?

Yes, that would be prefect - that's the day I collect my award.

Is it?

Oh, no! That means to organise your party,

I'd have to miss the ceremony.

That is such a lot to ask.

Yes, I suppose it is.

But I'll do it.

For the good of the party, I'll do it. Friday it is.

Excellent!

Now, the party itself...

Best. One. Ever.

Good.

Good.

Because if it's not, you will be in detention for the next five years.

And the really funny thing is,

I mean it.

A party? And a TV show?

The same night?

In the same place?

It's a recipe for disaster!

Sounds like one of mine.

No, it's perfect.

This way, I can keep Mrs K happy and be around for Dad's moment of glory.

You're very keen on his moment of glory. Sure it's just for him?

Yes!

Mmm-hmm?

You just want him to be more famous than Penny's inspirational mum.

Mrs Kilbraith is inspirational.

She's inspired me to show Penny how much better my dad is than her mum!

Ha! I'm a genius!

Are you sure you didn't have a sneaky slurp of that custard?

'Dad!'

Sh! Chef Bakerelli doesn't like anyone speaking to him

at more than three decibels.

-WHISPERS:

-Oh, OK.

Dad, it's almost four o'clock.

I know, bambina!

Ten more minutes and Chef Bakerelli will be browned to perfection.

Great. We want you looking perfect for your TV debut.

Can you move this reflector?

My left nostril's getting much more sun than the right.

There is something seriously wrong with your dad.

That custard's gone pear shaped.

No, he's fine. Performers are often highly strung, demanding.

He hasn't performed yet.

He'll be fine. Won't he?

He'll be fine, he'll be fine!

Um, what about Mrs K's party? I told you about it yesterday? Have you...

Lulu - you don't have to worry about the party...

Thank goodness.

..because I'm not doing it.

Parties are for caterers.

Chef Michelangelo Bakerelli is a food artiste.

Detention. For the next five years of my life.

I'm doomed!

Everyone excited?

Everyone ready for Mike's TV debut?

Ready to par-tay till dawn?

Is this a bad time?

-Lu, if we cancel Mrs K's party, she's just gonna...

-Yep, I know.

And if Mikey keeps acting like that and makes a fool of himself

live on TV with ALL your friends watching...

Yes, I know.

-Your life won't be worth living.

-I said, I know!

Cookie, find a recipe to make Dad's head smaller.

-Ooh!

-NOT literally!

Frenchy, come with me.

Chip, I need a big favour.

I need you to make some food for Mrs Kilbraith's party tonight.

I can't. Your dad says I don't have what it takes and...

He's even made me a recipe for chopping onions.

See! And look what a natural you are at that!

It's only one step on from there.

From chopping onions to creating delicious party snacks.

You're right - I am a natural.

And I've only cut myself six times!

I'll do it!

Thanks, Lulu.

So that'd be ingredients wise...?

No meringues.

Got ya!

Right, let's see what Cookie's come up with for Dad.

-Ciao, Lulu. Have a nice life.

-Bye, Mi... Wait!

What's going on?

It's your father. He's not the man I married.

You mean since he became famous?

Technically, he's pre-famous.

-And now he says he wants to be part of a celebrity couple.

-What?!

Said it would help his image! Said it worked for Posh and Becks!

So, either I start wearing big sunglasses and dressing flamboyantly

or else he'll go out and marry Kylie!

Minty, wait!

Dad's just...going through a phase.

-An annoying phase but...

-Sorry, Lulu,

but I can't live with him any more.

I can't stand shallow, self-obsessed people.

You know that.

Goodbye, Lulu.

I'm here to party!

Feel free to dance on the grave of my marriage!

Not quite the atmosphere I'd hoped for.

-Ah!

-Clear the path. Make way. VIP coming through.

Uh... Em... Uh... Mrs K!

You're early!

Is that a problem?

Problem?

Problem? No!

No, no problems.

Ooh... Stall them!

Oh, we need a recipe!

Dad's about to make me look a total fool,

Minty's about to leave

and Mrs K is here for a non-existent party!

I'm working on it! It's not like I can just snap my fingers and...

Wait! Yes, I can!

Humble pie.

A couple of slices of this,

and your dad'll be at least 27% less obnoxious.

Humble pie?

Are you sure?

Lu - have I ever been wrong about a recipe?

Sorry - I just couldn't say it and keep a straight face!

But this time I totally mean it.

Have I mentioned how shiny it is?

Only 11 times! Frenchy, where's the party?

Hm? What's wrong?

Wrong? Nothing, nothing.

It's just wrong!

They don't have a make-up girl

who can bring out my uncanny resemblance to Johnny Depp!

The amateurs!

Dad! Come back!

Have some pie!

Who does he think he is? Jumped up nobody!

He is NOT a nobody! Haven't you ever had an off-day?

I'm having one now.

Call The Cooking Channel. Tell them to get me an emergency presenter.

What is going on here?

Ooh! Oh, I see.

TV people.

Exactly!

I never realised they were going to film individual award winners.

-Actually, Mrs Kilbraith...

-Wait!

Do not tell her! If we spoil her party, I am toast!

Wow - that was quick! Are you...?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Brilliant. Let's get you set up.

For the demo?

Demo?

Oh! I see. Um... How about some quadrilaterals?

-Do you need anything special for that?

-Yes, um...

Graph paper and several sharp pencils.

-Right. And that's it? There isn't a sauce or anything?

-A sauce?

No? Well, that's fine - you're the expert! We'll just set it up.

Mummy - are they going to film you?

I think the technical term is shoot me.

There are a few people I'd like to shoot right now.

So, looks like my mum's going to be on TV.

Mmm - pie.

Smells delicious!

No!

Waah!

We're ready for you in the kitchen...

-Make-up!

-Aaaargh!

Where's Daddy, Lulu?

I always knew my mum would be a TV star.

Fame runs in our family, Lulu.

What runs in yours?

Pepperoni?

Dad's missing, Minty hates him

and Mrs Kilbraith's just about to give me...

half a decade's worth of detention!

This is so not what I wanted!

OK, we'll just have to go with her like that.

And action!

I...

can't accept this.

It's the humble pie!

Come again?

I can't accept this award - I'm not good enough.

I renounce it. I should give it to this girl.

Yes, and this girl.

For making them sit through my horrible, horrible lessons.

Mummy! Stop it!

I'm a terrible teacher.

And a terrible mother.

Obviously.

Mummy! You're embarrassing me! Aaah!

See?

Can I make humble pie, or what?!

Come on, Leo - pack up. Let's go!

No, wait! If you're not going to film Dad, at least show the cafe.

-I've told everyone it'll be on telly.

-But we've got no...

I'll present it.

Three, two, one - action.

Hi.

Uh... Er... I'm...

I'm...

Don't help me.

OK, do help me.

Lulu Baker!

Yes! Yes. I'm...

Bulu Laker.

Hello?

TORQUIL WHISTLES

Torquil - keep lookout!

I'm going to get that framed photo of Lady Gaga from the toilet.

-'Susu Mailer.'

-Is that Lulu?!

'Mumu Baker.'

Mumu Shaker?

Uhu Caber.

Fluflu Doodah Ha. Mumu...

That's horrible!

But I can't look away.

It's like a car crash.

Or when a girl comes out the toilet with her skirt tucked in her pants.

Right, buon appetito.

Can I just say how...sorry I am for that...celebrity thing.

You can say but you need to show.

Latte?

Minty, when are you going to forgive Dad?

Aw, he's so adorable.

I have forgiven him.

I just haven't told him yet.

Waffle?

Morning, Lulu.

I brought you a little breakfast reading.

Look - my mum's on the front cover of The Educationeer magazine.

That's nice, Penny.

Nice?

It's awesome.

Your sad dad's not on a magazine with a circulation of over 1,200 copies.

No, but Lulu's on 34,000 posters going up around northern England.

"The Cooking Channel -

"for when you want to make a hash."

Weird how Lulu's more famous than your mum

for being useless.

It's not weird. It's...

It's not fair!

Subtitles by Laura Donald Red Bee Media Ltd

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