Cake Expectations Jinx

# Can you keep a secret? Sneaky and a treat

# A dash of something tasty

# Just you wait and see

# The magic in my story Turned you upside down indeed

# No matter what the trouble is I've got a recipe

# Mixing up the flavour

# With a trick right up my sleeve

# Stir it up a little more And then we're going to see

# Cooking up a story That is good for magazines

# Sprinkle this Sprinkle that

# Stir it up and see. #

Welcome to my book presentation.

The book is a Victorian novel,

based on greed and salvation.

And, on page 6,

there is a lovely picture of Scrooge,

waving his stick at a guest.

I cannot believe Penny gets to do her book presentation

on pop-up Scrooge.

I love Charles Dickens. I once spent a year living in his beard.

Hey, it was the 19th century. Times were tough.

...and the paper smells really nice.

The end!

A marvellous presentation, darling.

I mean...Penny. And tomorrow we will be hearing from Lulu,

on her Victorian novel, Bleak Times,

by William Warlord Trockeray,

if she's read it.

I have read it, actually.

And I'm going to do a brilliant presentation.

Truly brilliant, you can, er, read my notes if you like.

I haven't read it. I'm going to do a terrible presentation,

truly terrible! What am I going to do?

Don't panic. What's the book?

Bleak Times.

My aunt Marissa read that to me when I was a boy.

So you know what happens?

No, I used to stuff ravioli in my ears so I couldn't hear it.

It's a dreadful book.

Well, then, just give it a terrible review without reading it.

I do that all the time at Teen Scene.

Oh, it's the Jonas Brothers! All three of them!

What am I going to do? I hope Frenchy's got a plan.

DRAMATIC CHORD STRIKES

That's your plan? Read the book?

It's a wonderful story. It's about a family called the Dozzlewits,

and they're swindled out of all their money by an evil workhouse owner.

They have to live in a workhouse, and scrub the fl...

Mr Baker, is that spaghetti in your ears?

Sorry, I couldn't find any ravioli.

Come on, Lu. What if it was you, Mike, Minty and Torquil

thrown into a workhouse. Can you imagine that? Think of the filth,

the squalor.

Sounds like Torquil's bedroom.

Enjoy your meal.

Anyway,

in the end a kind gentleman discovers the truth,

and races to tell them that they're rich.

After 600 pages? There has to be a short cut.

Funny you should say that.

I'm not sure this is scholarly.

Of course it is.

The fiction flapjacks will send me inside the book.

I'll be living it, as one of the characters.

That's even more scholarly than watching it on DVD.

-But how do you get back out?

-Relax,

as long as nothing bad happens to this book, I should just

pop back out when it finishes.

Right. Just pour the mixture onto the cover,

and leave it to steep overnight.

It'll be safe to eat by morning?

Yep, it'll be ready to eat.

Safe.

Ready.

ALARM CLOCK BLEEPS

Cookie!

Cookie!

It tastes a bit papery. Are you sure it's all right?

Yeah, I've done it loads of times. It's only ever gone wrong...

Well, it always goes wrong, but it's supposed to taste like that.

What do you mean, "it always goes wrong"?

Oh...

Amy, what are you about? Hurry, or we'll be turned out.

Torquil! Look at all this! Isn't it great? A real workhouse.

I'm wearing genuine rags, and this, this is a bucket of actual...

..slop?

Who's Torquil? 'Tis I, Tom, your brother.

Oh, right. You're a character.

Ma! Pa! Something ails my sister.

Wow. This is freaky.

He looks like my dad, and she looks like your...

Right, you're the mum and dad.

Come, child.

If Miss Pettgrind should see you loitering...

Oh! Oh, I feel faint to think what could happen.

Mrs Dozzlewit! Can you not see all is lost?

She's lost her brittle mind...

Oh, and I am to blame.

If only I hadn't allowed our inheritance to mysteriously

disappear in suspicious circumstances!

Ah, the money, yeah! I...

Ooops, nearly gave that away!

Anyway, now you're all here, I have to ask you,

what do we think the moral of this story is?

What is going on here? Why are you not about your daily toil?

You, boy. Back up your chimney. You,

get cooking those rats.

And you...

Oh, just ignore me. You do your thing, I'm just taking notes.

-I'm not really Amy, I'm Lulu.

-And if that is the case,

then where, pray, is Amy?

So, is it working? Oh, it's made your hair curl.

What manner of clothing is this?

You what? Lu?

Heavens, where am I?

Oh, yeah. I forgot this happens. They swap places.

You're out of a book, dearie, yeah?

This is the 21st century?

You...you can't see me, can you?

Oh, well. You're only 150 years adrift in the future,

you'll be fine!

Urgh, rat's tail, urgh! Pwoar, urrgh!

Very nice. What's for pudding?

Miss Dozzlewit.

I cannot linger, but I find myself unable to contain the hope

that I may shortly bring you the most excellent tidings!

-Ha, it's Chip!

-Forgive me, I bring no chips.

Shine your shoes, guv'nor?

I cannot divulge more at present,

but suffice it to say that you may soon find your

circumstances greatly transformed!

Ah, you're the bloke who finds out about all our money being nicked.

Sir, you are a scoundrel for attempting

to raise my family's spirits. Can't you see,

all hope is lost! It's lost!

What is the meaning of all of this?

Oh, oh, young Mr Clenlow, what a delightful surprise.

Eurina, dearest! See, Mr Clenlow has come to pay his respects.

Mrs Pettgrind, Miss Pettgrind.

Forgive me, I am in haste. I'll bid you good day.

Such a fine young man,

and he clearly has feelings for you, Eurina.

Yeah, feelings of nausea.

Insolence! No gruel for three days.

Make it three years, and you've got a deal!

No! Don't punish us, Amy don't mean nothing by it!

I hope so.

We wouldn't want to see you turned out onto the freezing streets,

now, would we?

Mother! Father! Why are you so changed?

SHE GASPS

What are these candles, that neither flicker nor fade?

-And such hideous colours, which assault the eyes.

-Oi!

They're not hideous colours, they're natural pigmentation.

-Lulu, get ready for school.

-Lulu?

Lulu!

How did the magic go? It didn't go wrong, did it?

Magic? Am I under some form of enchantment?

-Who are you?

-I think that answers my question.

Stone!

Now blow my nose.

SHE BLOWS HER NOSE

Enough.

Do you think me cruel, Amy?

If I am, it is because life has treated me cruelly.

Stone!

I had a true love once,

a soldier. When he left, he swore he'd write to me every day,

yet I never heard a word.

Wonder why?!

Stone!

I wish I knew. Now, mother wishes me to marry that clot Clenlow.

And you're such a catch(!)

Stone!

She's almost as bad as Penny!

How much are we getting paid for this gig?

Paid?! Oh, the girl is demented!

This family will never see so much as another ha'penny again!

Oh, woe on us all!

Amy, such thoughts!

Oh, I will surely swoon!

All right, calm down!

Look, it doesn't matter anyway because very soon,

Mr Clenlow will come rushing in to tell you

that Mrs Pettgrind stole all your cash.

BOTH: Mrs Pettgrind?!

Servant, fetch me some coal.

Do you mind? I am trying to have a conversation here.

Cor, some people!

How dare you!

How dare I?

How dare you!

Amy, I bring wonderful news!

BOTH: Amy!

Amy? Amy Dozzlewit!

So, you're a character from this book.

That means Lulu's still inside.

Better keep this safe, or she'll never get out.

This is divine. Is...is all your food like this?

What, full of fat and sugar? Pretty much.

Look, if you and Lulu don't swap back soon,

you might have to do a small book presentation.

Where are they? What has transpired?

-Er, you had some news, remember?

-News?

Who are you? Unhand me!

Alas, this man has lost his wits. His news is forgotten!

Oh, we are doomed!

But the story's not meant to end like this!

Mr Clenlow, surely you know me?

Your countenance is familiar, but...

Let me introduce myself. I am your oldest friend,

and you are betrothed to my daughter.

What? No! No, no, no. You're our friend,

and you came here to tell us that she stole all our money!

Oh! The ingratitude,

after everything I've done for them!

You, girl, are a confounded ingrate!

How could you so malign this kind lady?

Madam, you need some air.

You changed the ending?

Aaah! It's the same every time!

Teenage girl into an intricately plotted story,

and what happens? Disaster.

Yeah, for them. What's the problem?

Nothing much, just you're trapped here forever.

Forever?

Yep. Just like your great aunt Beth, in "Noddy Goes To Toyland".

But she's happy, she likes it.

-Well, apart from being a skittle.

-Cookie, I have to get out of here.

Think of something!

Well, I suppose if you can find a way to make the proper ending happen,

that might work?

-"Might work"?

-Chill out, at least you're not a skittle. Hoo-hoo!

Cookie!

This is too much, my poor heart!

Ssshh!

You're certain Clenlow told you the Pettgrinds stole our fortune?

Yes, sort of. We just need to find some evidence,

then I can get away from you weirdos!

I mean, live happily ever after again!

-Ooh, old letters, give us a look.

-Get off!

Sorry, invisible fairy. I'll deal with this in private.

"My dear Eurina,

"how I missy-wiss you, your eyes, your mouth,

-"your cross little frowny-wowny face?"

-That's no good,

that's just a bunch of soppy old love letters.

What is the meaning of this?

Thieves,

hooligans!

That was the most amazing book presentation I have ever heard.

Well, it is my life.

Mrs Kilbraith was stunned. Did you see her face?

Lulu will be so pleased when you swap back.

Swap back?

Yeah. When you go back into the book.

I had not considered that.

I will not return to the workhouse!

Such betrayal, on what should be a day of rejoicing -

the marriage of Eurina to Mr Clenlow!

Amy, help me get changed for our celebratory dinner.

Hi, er, minor problem, nothing to worry about.

Frenchy's lost the book, probably going to be destroyed.

-What?!

-Oh, did I say "minor problem"? I meant, "major disaster"!

What am I going to do?

Get back to the proper ending. Stop him from marrying her,

stop them from dying in the snow,

get him his memory back, get them their money back,

not necessarily in that order, and in five minute or less. Bye!

OK, OK. What am I going to do? Think. Think!

My dress!

Of course, yes, I'll...

Of course! Yes.

Must have you looking nice for your loveless marriage.

Still, at least it'll stop you going on about that soldier.

I beg your pardon?!

You know, that soppy soldier whose letters you never replied to.

How dare you!

It was he who failed to write to me, and he wasn't soppy.

"My diddliest, darling dumpling.

"How your icky-wicky Wobert aches to gaze into your smoochy-woochy,

-"lovely..."

-Give me that!

Where did you find this?

In a box with all of these.

I wouldn't worry, your mother just probably hid them from you

-because she didn't want you to be happy.

-"Did-diddly, diddly Robert"?

COOKIE MAKES VOMITING NOISES

Mother!

..and I thought, instead of hiring a carriage,

the bride could be carried to the church by orphans.

Mrs Pettgrind, are you sure that's...seemly?

Did I say "orphans"? I meant o-o-o-ostriches.

-Mother!

-Why, hello, dearest.

What is the meaning of this?

Oh, heavens. Please, Eurina, I did it for you.

-That soldier, he wasn't a suitable match.

-But she loved him!

-But she loved him.

-Yes, but I loved him.

Love. No-one ever became rich through love.

Oh, that's so like her!

-That is so like her.

-That is so like you.

Everything I have done, Eurina, I have done for you.

Bet that's what she said when she swindled the Dozzlewits!

She did! That's exactly what she said!

I swindled them FOR you!

Mrs Pettgrind!

Mr Clenlow, you mustn't listen to us!

Is it getting hot in here?

Frenchy! Frenchy!

Oi, Frenchy!

Frenchy!

FRENCHY COUGHS

Madam, you can fool me no longer. My memory has returned.

What? Oh, that's just your imagination, I...

You, Madam, are a deplorable rogue,

a villain. You have no more right to my attention than the lowest turnip.

Begone, before I call the peelers.

Oh...oh, Eurina!

My dearest Amy...

Frenchy!

Frenchy!

Aaah!

Frenchy...aah!

Ah! Oh! Oh! Ah!

THE BOOK CRASHES DOWN

-Aah!

-Aaaah!

My dearest Amy,

I'm forever your servant, and I pray that you can...

Er, yeah, whatever. Come on, get the Dozzlewits back in here

and the ending on track, I have no time. Come on, move!

Oh! Aah! Oooh!

THEY STRUGGLE NOISILY

That's not very ladylike!

Mr and Mrs Dozzlewit,

young Tom, how I have wronged you.

But I promise you...

-Yeah, yeah. Skip to the end, tell them they're rich.

-You're rich!

Right, just one more thing. I need a favour.

Name it!

Yeah... Er, can you write a short letter?

I'll tell you what to put.

How could you?

How could you leave her in that book forever?

She'll be all right, I made her rich before I left.

Lulu?

Lulu!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Ah, Lulu.

That presentation,

not bad. I've given you a C-.

What? But it was amazing!

It was entertaining,

but highly irregular.

You obviously do know the book very well.

-Well, I'm sure you know it better than me, Mrs Kilbraith.

-Obviously.

Perhaps we could compare notes some time?

And I was wondering what you thought of Mr Clenlow's letter at the end?

What? There is no such letter.

I think you'll find there is.

Utter nonsense. Have you seen this well-thumbed copy, Lulu, hmmm?

I've had this since I was at school myself.

Oh!

"Dear Mrs Kilbraith, you and Penny are a pair of stinky old witches.

"Boo, sucks. Regards, Mr Clenlow."

How the Dickens did that get in there?

Not Dickens, Mrs Kilbraith. Not even Trockeray.

Baker. Lulu Baker.

Subtitles by Sam Parish Red Bee Media Ltd

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