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# Can you keep a secret? Sneaky and a treat
# A dash of something tasty Just you wait and see
# The magic in my story turned you upside down indeed
# No matter what the trouble is I've got a recipe
# Mixing up the flavour
# With a trick right up my sleeve
# Stir it up a little more and then we're going to see
# Cooking up a story that is good for magazines
# Sprinkle this, sprinkle that Stir it up and see. #
Please? Please! Go on!
Just one, please!
No! Your mum says if you have too much sugar you get hyperactive -
a terrifying thought.
Why are you eating them? You hate doughnuts!
But I love how you react when I eat them.
Hey! Look over there - it's that guy from the band you like!
Do you really think she's stupid enough to fall for that? Again?
-I've got another client on line two. I'll call you back.
Lisa? Chemistry? Sure.
Well, H2O could be hot water, but CO2 isn't cold water.
OK, rewind. What was this?
-Nothing. I've just started my own small business, that's all.
Homework troubleshooting for the bimbo set in year 11.
-I know, pretty impressive, huh?
No, it sounds like Dullsville. Why would you do that?
You're right. There are no benefits whatsoever.
How do you like my new shoes?
What you got to say to that, then?
Daddy? I want a job.
"Dad, how are you doing? Looking good. Mm, I love the aftershave."
-"Is that new, you say?"
-Dad! I mean it! I'm 14!
-I should have a job.
-If you're that keen, you can start now.
When I said a job, I didn't mean...
-I thought not. Got to start at the bottom, right, Frenchy?
My business is just a small start-up,
but we're already making a sizeable net profit.
Er...yeah. Yeah. Exactly.
You see, not all girls have got business savvy, Frenchy.
-Remember when you washed my car, Lulu?
-It was spotless.
You left the keys in the door -
it was spotless for the bloke that nicked it.
-I've changed now. I'm responsible.
-< I'm home!
where's the ironing?
Minty, you think I'm responsible, don't you?
Hi, honey. How was skydiving?
Oh, you know. Tame.
Responsible for what now, trouble?
-What? No, guys, all I want is a job!
-I'll give you a job.
-Hang on, doing what?
-I've told her...
If she can manage Torquil for a night,
perhaps she IS ready for a real job.
And if I'm wrong...
..arrest me, officer.
Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.
In at the deep end, eh? Bad luck.
It's cool. Home alone, guarding a sleeping boy-shaped monster?
No wrinklies to bother us. What could go wrong?
Home alone? Sounds like a perfect time to watch this.
Zombie And Son?
Oh, no, I hate scary movies!
OK, I'll watch it with Warren.
I LOVE scary movies.
Listen carefully - homework, teeth, bed.
You do everything your step-sister says. Yes?
And deffo no doughnuts.
Too much sugar, he goes hyperactive and he'll be up till dawn.
We hid them in your shoes in your wardrobe.
Mintola, that costs five pound a squirt.
Oh, take this upstairs for me, Lulu?
And don't have too much fun without me.
Oh, Lulu, whatever you do...
-I'll be fine, Dad, you'll see.
-That's my girl.
Bye. Yeah, have fun, see you later. Bye.
SHE SCREAMS IN DELIGHT
I'm in charge!
I'm in charge!
Lu's in charge! Lu's in charge!
Ready for a night of thrills...boss(?)
Thrills for me, sure.
You may have pulled the wool over my eyes once before today,
but it won't be so easy next time. You're my slave now, remember?
Homework, teeth, bed.
And no doughnuts.
Cinch-o. Oh, and what was that other thing?
KNOCK ON DOOR
Don't answer the door to strangers!
It's not a stranger, silly.
Looking good, French.
This mask is crucial to the success
of Operation Show Chip How Much We've Got In Common.
What is it with all these operations?
Where are they?
I need those doughnuts! Without them, my blood sugar levels will fall
and my sparkling and effervescent personality will be diminished.
Oh, Torquil! I didn't realise.
In that case...no.
-I'm telling your dad you watched a horror movie.
-I'm babysitting one!
Mark my words.
Before midnight, I swear I'll taste the sweet...
sweet frosting of a doughnut. I will!
Bring it on, Smeagol!
HORROR MOVIE ON TV
Chip...will this be ALL scary and nasty and involve us huddling...
really close together?
Delivery of 30 jam doughnuts for a...Torquil Le Bone?
Right. This means war.
The question is, how do I get him?
Oh! I've got it! Dead and butter pudding - very scary.
-How will this pudding scare Torquil when he eats it?
He doesn't. You do.
Then you turn into a zombie and YOU scare HIM.
Sorry, it sounded a bit like you were turning me into a zombie.
Yep! It's good, innit?
-Is there a problem?
-Yes! I'm not doing that!
Oh! You never let me have any fun!
Torquil's not in bed. He's gone crazy!
He's trashed the room! He's spoiling everything!
Leave it to me.
OVEN ALARM DINGS
What are you doing?
-Just came down to watch the film.
-It'll scare you.
-Don't think so.
I've seen you without make-up on.
How'd you like to see me without a step-brother?
Keep looking for doughnuts and you will.
Help me clean up this mess so Dad will give me that job.
That's better. Where were we?
The zombie king was just about to eat the cheerleaders.
BURP ON TV Oh!
What a plan - while Lulu tidies, Torquil hunts doughnuts.
No-one ever listens to me.
That bit was quite scary, wasn't it, Chip?
PANS RATTLE >
I'll be right back.
CRUNCHING ON TV
Lu! Funny thing...
Please, please, please, please say he didn't
eat the dead and butter pudding.
Why've you gone quiet?
-You told me not to tell you that.
Chip, I'm getting really scared.
I need you to protect me.
No, you don't. It's only a movie.
The special effects aren't even that good. Zombies aren't that scary.
MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
Lu...what's happening to your step-brother?
Probably just trying to impress you.
His face is falling off.
Torquil! Stop showing off, OK?
Whoa! Looks like he's a zombie! That's not possible unless...
Totally! Zombies don't exist.
But if they did...how would you stop one?
Have you been cooking?
He is a zombie! Look at his eyes!
-I guess it must have been, er...
-Something he ate?
Of course, he must have eaten...
a radioactive virus.
-There's a zombie in the next room! How do we escape?
Are you guys mad?
There's a zombie in the next room! Wait until the boys at
Everything You Wanted To Know About Zombies
But Were Too Afraid To Ask.com hear about THIS!
-Chip! What do zombies do?
Oh, yeah, I see, that IS a problem.
Ugh! And - key question - how do you stop them?
-Chop off their heads - it always works.
-Are you crazy?!
Dad will never let me have a job if,
the first time I baby-sit my step-brother, I chop off his head!
Minty'll never speak to you again.
So it's not ALL bad.
Look, I need a way to stop a zombie without severing its head.
Cookie must have a recipe for anti-zombie. Antipasto or something.
OK, Chip. I can't hear that little monster any more.
Stay here, keep the lights off.
Frenchy, come with me. Back in a sec.
Wait! Even in the dark, he can still...
MUSIC: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson
BONES CRUNCH OW!
Chill out, Lu, it'll wear off.
-Couple of hours.
OK, worst case scenario, 18 months.
Dad can't have a zombie in the cafe for 18 months!
It breaks every health and safety rule!
That's what I love about you, Lu, always seeing the bigger picture!
I don't hear anything.
Exactly. Torquil's gone.
Chip, you're alive!
Course I'm alive, and I've stopped your zombie.
You cut off Torquil's head?
Cutting off its head stops its brain speaking to its body
so I tried freezing his brain by dropping ice cream on his head.
-And it worked?
Yeah. He's unconscious.
-I should have used raspberry ripple.
Chip! Don't hurt him - I'll never get that job!
Forget the job! What about Chip?
Create a diversion!
I've been thinking. We've got SO much in common.
I'm a girl, you're a boy.
I'm the living, you're the living...dead.
We were made for each other. Fancy a bite some time?
That wasn't really what I meant. Sorry.
-Careful, he's coming for you!
-Who knew staying in could be so much fun?
Do something, Cookie!
Do something Cooking? It's a long shot, but...
I know, get her to scream.
I can do that!
What was that?
A recipe that makes people fail their exams.
Replaces their brain with sand.
No brain, no zombie appetite. See?
Phew. Just in time. Good recipe.
-Frenchy, come on!
-# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #
At least he won't be getting through the front door.
Whoa, this is from an X File I haven't read.
No, Chip, it's worse than that.
Somebody let us in, please!
Any time this century would be nice.
-We are in SO much trouble!
-Technically, you're in charge.
Improvise. And get that human egg timer to shut up!
I have to find Torquil and hide him.
-He's not outside.
-Well, where is he?
CRASHING Did that come from your room?
He must have gone up the fire escape!
Sorry. Door's jammed. What's the weather like out there?
It's awful. The barbie was rained off.
It's brightened up now. I'd go back if I were you.
Chip! Let us in!
I can't... Urrrgh! This stuff's got wedged behind the door, and...
Arrrrgh! ..I can't seem to be able to move it. Ooorghh!
Chip. I'm looking straight at you.
You're not moving.
-Yeah, well, I'm, er...
I'm thinking about moving.
Right. You've got two minutes before he works out he can break glass.
-What's the plan?
-No time to explain,
but I need a skydiving suit and a ski mask.
Open the door, this minute.
All right, all right.
Chip, what are you doing?
It's a sort of modified body-pop with a bit of moonwalking thrown in.
-I wouldn't be seen dead in that.
-Zombies can smell human flesh,
so to sneak up on him, I need to smell non-human.
-The only person I know who doesn't smell human is...
They love me!
All right, enough. Out of the way, Chipolata.
Can I just point out that I'm not technically in charge here?
Have you guys been having a party?
Here, zombie, zombie...
Oh! It's working! Now...in for the kill.
You're gonna kill him? Cool!
It might affect your chances of that job with Mike, but it's worth it!
-No! I'm just keeping him at bay till the recipe wears off.
-What do zombies love more than a human brain?
-Bucket of brains?
I'm talking zombie Torquil here.
We haven't had a party. But there's a logical explanation for this.
Torquil's turned into a zombie.
-Getting her brains eaten out(?)
You try stopping a zombie. It's not as easy as it says on the internet.
Go on, Torquie, get 'em in!
Go on! Go on, get them!
Ohh! Hi, Dad...
This probably looks a bit wrong.
The one thing we told you not to give him. Doughnuts.
Look, he's hyperactive already!
Look at that sugar rush. You know what happens after a sugar rush...
Ohh! Sugar crash!
And, er, technically, he did taste the sweet frosting of a doughnut
before midnight so...round one, Torqu!
Hey! Responsible enough for a job, eh?
And...what are you wearing?
It's totally dope that you wanna look like me.
Let me show you how to compose an outfit.
You can't throw everything on at once. Aww...
That's not my...
You missed a bit.
Well, you wanted a job, didn't you?
Only, um...six more years till you've paid off the damage.
Hey. You do know that mop's magic?
You mean it can do the work for me?
No, it's got a built-in squeegee and absorbent fibres!
Oh, hey. You feeling, um...OK?
Fine. It's like my brain had a holiday.
A beach holiday.
So...got my wish. Great job, huh(?)
Well, most Saturday jobs are brain-rot boring.
Be easier to do if you were a zombie.
Don't even think about it!
HE GROANS LIKE A ZOMBIE
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
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