The Chip Files Jinx

# Can you keep a secret?

# Sneaky

# I'll get you something tasty

# Just you wait and see

# The magic in my story turn you upside down indeed

# No matter what the trouble is

# I've got a recipe

# Mixing up the flavour with a trick right up my sleeve

# Swirl it up a little more

# And then we're going to see

# Picking up a story that is in a magazine

# Sprinkle this sprinkle that

# Stir it up and see. #

But we could be saving the world,

or painting our nails purple,

-or eating crisp sandwiches.

-We've got to support Chip.

He's our best mate.

Well, he's MY best mate.

Well, he's really gorgeous.

And this is the first meeting of his new society for alien detection,

dissection and observation.

Did you know that spells SADDO?

Maybe there's a reason for that.

-Come on.

-But aliens don't exist. Even Cookie doesn't believe in them.

Oh, well, if an invisible fairy says there are no aliens...

Fairy?! Read the badge, prissy missy.

Senior executive magic operations officer, acting grade three.

Three!

Frenchy, come off it. I know you don't believe in aliens.

You're far too rational.

You thought the instruction manual

for your new phone was too far-fetched.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

RECORD SCRATCHES

Why are you wearing antlers?

They're antennae.

I'm going to Chip's alien society meeting.

Cool.

We might see an alien. Wouldn't you LOVE to see an alien?

All right! So I don't believe in aliens.

No, I would NOT love to see an alien

because the best people do not believe in aliens.

I'm not going to your stupid alien meeting!

-Ahem.

-Oh, hi, Frenchy!

Torquil...you're weird.

Thank you.

Come on, then.

But you just said...

Wow. I've never seen this many mathematicians, chess club members and asthmatics in one room.

Hi, Frenchy. Thought I'd pop in. Provide the voice of reason.

Aliens are useless!

Fellow alien hunters!

There are billions of planets in the universe capable of supporting life,

which means, obviously, there is more than one type of alien.

- There are two. - You're an idiot.

Don't call my cousin an idiot!

I'm your brother. I'm allowed to call your cousin an idiot.

Stepbrother and...you're not.

I'll stop calling him an idiot when he proves aliens exist.

But he can't!

Who says he can't?

Go on, then. Prove it.

-Tell Pipsqueak he will prove it.

-We will prove it...Pipsqueak!

-Where and when?

-Tomorrow. This room. Bring a crowd.

Tomorrow. This room. Bring a crowd.

Lunchtime!

Lunchtime!

Lunchtime!

THEY CHEER

No! You'll be a laughing stock! You both will!

< Not if I can prove it.

How?

Chip...prove that aliens exist and I'll kiss you.

Ugh! Not even that will put us off, will it, Lulu?

Hang on, can I just confirm?

You're gonna kiss the person who proves aliens exist?!

OK. Excuse us.

We've got to prove aliens exist.

-But you just said...?

-Forget what I said.

We've got to prove it.

But if you do, Frenchy'll do that lip thing with you.

That's a risk I'm just gonna have to take.

Right, here we go.

Try this.

Urgh!

OK, so the chilli and lavender needs more work...

Try snail and raisin.

Not if it was the last ice-cream on earth!

You're a nerd goddess!

Until tomorrow until they realise I have nothing.

Then I'm a laughing-stock with Torquil leading the ha-ha's.

Whoo-hoo!

Guess who's just blagged a phone interview with DJ Mood Dude?

I don't know. Him?

No(!) Me!

No way!

He never gives interviews! No-one even knows what he looks like.

Till now! What am I gonna wear?

For a phone interview?

Yes(!) I've gotta be in the zone. If I'm gonna be the one to entice him

out from under his hoodie and reveal himself to the world...

Scoopsville USA!

-Darling...

-Ooh!

What is that?

Mackerel and mint.

Darling, precious, bunny...

Why are you making ice-cream for cats?

Because we used to hold the Gelato Award for most original ice-cream flavour.

But now Gerry Bradshaw keeps winning it.

Gerry who runs the cafe down the road?

He's not daft. He's spotted a gap in the market for odd flavours.

Odd, yeah...

Toxic, I don't think so.

The point is that his breakfast ice-cream is a best-seller.

Now if I could come up with something extraordinary like that for the inspector,

I would win back my Gelato Award.

Once more into the kitchen, dear friends, once more.

And I'd better go and prepare those Q & A's.

Well, the Qs anyway.

Guys! >

I can prove that aliens have visited this planet!

Great! Show me.

See! An alien mothership.

And, the unhappy result of alien-human gene-splicing.

Or, a hairy guy celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Perhaps I'd better not use that one.

This isn't the rock-solid proof that's going to stop me being laughed out of school, is it?

Chipolata! I need some help to de-bone some pilchards.

A Frisbee? That's your proof of aliens?

Man, I can just see Torquil's smug face now.

-Yeah, all right.

-No, I mean, I can actually see it.

Working on any big presentations, Lo-loser?

You're no nearer to proving aliens exist, are you?

Are you?

-Wouldn't you like to know?

-No. Couldn't care less.

Hm. Alien sightings.

So, you're still planning to kiss the person who proves aliens exist?

Definitely.

-Can I borrow that book after you?

-No!

OK. I don't care. Come on.

I've got zilcho!

I'm going to be humiliated, big-time!

Between a photo of a Frisbee and that book, I'm never going to convince people aliens exist.

SHE WHISTLES

That's cos you're using the wrong book!

Hi, Daddy!

I've got just the recipe. Make it, give it to Chip,

and he'll provide the proof you seeketh.

Seeketh?

-Magic talk.

-Right...

Incredibly credible crumpets...

And if Chip eats one of these,

-he'll be able to convince everyone aliens exist?

-Yes.

Worked for your great-great-great cousin Isabella with the Spanish Inquisition.

Well, they still burnt her, but not for being a witch.

Yeah...

Get stirring!

Faster!

Faster! Faster, faster, faster, faster, faster!

Faster! Faster!

Lu! Careful!

You've...

You've done it! You've done it!

Bacon, lettuce, tomato ice-cream! It's perfect!

Dad's latest creation.

They're a bit...green.

That's because they're full of vitamin C.

Oh, in that case...

Not bad!

OK, see you tomorrow for Operation Public Meeting To Prove Beyond All Doubt That Aliens Exist!

Snappy title!

OK, DJ Moon Dude is calling me in five minutes and I've had this incredible idea.

Lulu...I want you to pretend you're dying.

What?!

And your last wish is to see what Moon Dude looks like. OK?

Lulu! It's me!

I think I may be allergic to crumpets.

Chip, you have antennae!

Oh...then of course...

I've been the subject of an alien-human gene-splicing experiment.

They've turned me into an alien hybrid.

That's...exactly what I'm saying.

Ready?

Not exactly.

We have a situation.

Oh, I love a good situation!

What kind of situation?

Hi, Frenchy!

SHE SCREAMS

Yes, that kind of situation.

The spell's gone wrong.

Au contraire. Take Chip to that meeting and he'll definitely convince people aliens exist.

Cookie!

-Cookie!

-MUFFLED SCREAM

Sh!

My room, pronto.

'And when I'm riding the wheels of steel

'Working the wax

'Crouched scratching the house of style, I am totally hardcore,

'And I ain't flam-boasting.'

So insightful and witty and deep...

Hey, Mr DJ, I've got one of your biggest fans here

and she's very poorly and she's got one last final question.

'Fo' shizzle, shoot!'

Hi, I'm like, dying, and stuff...

and was wondering, can you come round and show me what you look like?

'OK, you guys at your crib?'

Yes! Yes, we're cribbing! Come crib wiv us!

Erm, how will I recognise you?

'I'm real tall and hey, I'll text you my pic if you promise to incinerate it after you eyeball it.'

It's toast.

It's an alien!

Oh, no! Moon Dude's popping by and all I know is, he's a freaky giant!

My BLT ice-cream hasn't set yet!

Hello? Is that 118-ET-Phone-Us?

I've seen one, green with tendrils.

I'm an alien! You know what this means?

It means I shouldn't still be attracted to you.

What's wrong with me?!

-It means we're not going to look like idiots at the meeting.

-Hurray!

Excuse us!

We can't take Chip to that meeting tomorrow!

You saw ET!

BINS CLATTER, CAT MEWS

Invasion site attained.

Slight burning smell but that could be pizza.

Investigation proceeds.

If alien presence is confirmed, subject will be scanned, logged and neutralised.

Lulu? >

(VOICE ECHOES): Lulu! Lulu?

-Torquil, listen to me.

-Don't bother me, I'm busy watching the sky.

It's so boring! I've been here for hours, I still haven't seen a flying saucer!

I've just come down for a snack.

-Look...

-No, I just want...

Hi, Torquil!

It speaks!

Greetings, Earthling. I'm the leader of an alien race.

I command you to release me so I may tell the world we exist.

I want the world to know that too! Today, at the special Earth meeting!

Let's go!

And then can you make me emperor of your world?

Get me to that meeting and my world is yours.

Can we help you?

Yes. Stay out of my way.

Dirk Searcher.

Extra-Terrestrial Centralised Emergency Tactical Extreme Response Agency.

The Man From "ETC"?

GEIGER COUNTER CLICKS

Get Chip out of the larder. I'll distract him.

Juice?

-Doughnut? Have a doughnut.

-No, thank you, ma'am.

-Please, on the house.

-Moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips.

Chip! Chip, you've got to come...

Uh-oh!

My dessert's now a beverage.

Lulu! If you see the inspector, tell him I'm in the kitchen.

No!

Don't go in the kitchen!

I mean...let me take it for you.

Hi! Looking for me? I'm Minty.

Yo, yo, yo! Shuffle ma dizzle, west side!

GEIGER COUNTER CLICKS

Chip ready to go?

Too ready! He's gone!

What?

COOKIE!!!

Your voice don't 'alf cut into the fairy dimension.

-What have you done with Chip?

-Oh, I see.

Weird stuff happens so it's my fault?

Your mother may have had a weird laugh but at least she never did that.

We haven't got time to talk about... She didn't have a weird laugh!

-Uh-huh.

-Hello! Chip's about to be dissected by white-coated scientists!

The meeting. Chip must have gone to school, come on!

Yeah(!)

I'll see you there then, shall I(?)

No sign of Chip.

Ah! Frenchy.

The scientific discovery of the century starts here.

Ladies and gentlemen...aliens exist.

THEY MURMUR INCREDULOUSLY

What?! Why would you say that?

Because I happen to have my very own personal alien here today.

That's just perfect.

"X FILES" TYPE MUSIC PLAYS

Are you the inspector?

I prefer "investigator".

Tell me in your own words what happened here.

And bear in mind...this...

is also a lie-detector.

Well, the first thing is... it's not my fault.

One minute I had it here for you - it looked so good -

I just wanted to lick it.

You...wanted to lick it?

Oh, you would too if you saw it.

It was molto bellissimo, amigo.

And I'm not just saying that because it was my baby.

Your...baby? But you look human.

Erm...thanks.

Anyway, it melted and now it's all gloopy.

You can taste it if you want to.

That's not standard procedure, sir, but I WILL analyse it.

So...I'll need a sample.

With a wafer?

No wafer at this time, sir.

Sprinkles!

..because no-one until today has been brilliant and brainy enough to actually catch an alien.

-Where d'you think Chip is?

-Torquil's keeping really close to that stationery cupboard.

Bet he's in here.

Stand by.

< Not just any alien...

a green one!

With acid for blood!

Code Amber. Suspected meltdown with alien contamination.

Possible secondary alien presence.

Possible licking. Dispatch containment team.

O-M-G! It's you, isn't it?

At all times.

(STREET): I mean, I didn't get your text, and you just said, can I see you, bro'?

Lovin' the outfit!

So cuttin' edge, so...fly!

(NORMAL VOICE): I must get my husband one.

Your...husband?

Ma'am, I have reason to believe that your husband is an alien.

Part Italian.

Or that he licks aliens.

Licks aliens? Man, hiphop slang is so hard to keep up with.

Anyway, say "Chizzle".

I would advise against that, ma'am.

..but enough of my own brilliance. Time for what you came here to see...

Aliens don't exist! No matter what Torquil says.

Or shows you.

Chip!

Come with me if you want to live.

Always wanted to say that!

No!

-There are no aliens!

-Yeah, there are.

I'm not going and you can't...

-HE BEEPS

-..make me!

But she knows a sprite who can!

Right, I need a way to get you up into that vent.

Magic marshmallow...

I'm not going!

You don't get a vote, Bogey-Face.

Torquil!

Hel...ulp!

YES!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

There are no aliens!

Oh, yeah? Put some lipgloss on and pucker up.

Behold, the alien!

Hi, Earthlings!

THEY LAUGH

W-what...?

But there was!

There was an alien!

He beeped! He said I could be his emperor!

I think Torquie's been playing too many computer games.

Beep!

I know pilates!

Minty! Darling! Put the gelato inspector down!

He's a boring, agoraphobic DJ...

I think, Bunny-Precious.

Alien contact has clearly driven you insane!

BOTH: Alien?

Greetings, dude-lings!

So...which one of you guys is it, who'd like me to be the last in the eyeball before they die?

Alien!

You zapped Moon Dude!

He's from the moon?

Interesting!

Then he's coming with me for questioning.

And I may be back...for you.

Don't forget your ice-cream!

Alien threat!

CUSTOMERS SCREAM

Bacon!

Moon Dude?

Moon Dude!

MOON D-U-U-U-D-E!

Or there's mackerel and mint if you prefer!

I don't care what they say.

To me, you're a winner.

-Isn't marriage great?

-Yeah.

It really licks aliens.

-Thank you!

-You're welcome.

-Thank you!

Hey, Frenchy, you know the next time I challenge Torquil to a public debate about aliens?

Yeah?

Stop me, please! Just stop me!

Greetings, Earthlings!

And you! I don't know whether your magic helped or did more harm, quite frankly.

Hey! You wanted an alien, I gave you an alien.

Cookie here?

And what about my marshmallows, eh? Only got one left now.

Where is it?

She's lost a marshmallow?!

Oh, there was one on the table. I thought it had fallen out of our milkshake.

Where did you put it?

Back in the milkshake.

Ah, you found it! Thanks!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

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