The Sweet Little Girl in White Just William

William Brown was very much...

-a boy.

-I could easily be a bat.

The blood's gone to my head.

Why do bats hang upside down?

They don't think it's upside down. They think we're upside down.

-We are.

-Oh! Ow!

Sadly, William's vision of what being a boy meant, and what boys

should and shouldn't do, wasn't shared by everyone.

-Oi!

-Run!

-You're trespassing!

-Stay right there!

-Argh!

Come here!

William, and his friends, Ginger, Douglas and Henry, were The Outlaws.

Where you going? ' Ere!

Stop! Ow!

Oi!

They didn't take kindly to having their fun interrupted.

Fortunately, running away was fun, too.

BOYS: Ha-ha! Ah, come here!

Get me out of here!

Now I'm really cross! Come 'ere!

I'll give you what for!

-Bob!

-Boys.

-You been running?

-Boys, trespassing. Have you seen 'em?

Now, let me think...

No.

William had a dog, Jumble, whom he loved,

and a family whom he...tolerated.

You know what I'm going to invent?

An electric toast scraper.

I think they got in ahead of you, with the electric toaster.

Oh, yes.

Why are you dressed like that, Robert?

He saw The Wild One and he wants to be Marlon Brando.

-You're as wild as a plate of scones.

-Never trust a man called Marlon.

New people have moved into Croombe Hall.

Yes, the Bott family.

Never trust a man who makes his money from sauce,

-that's what I always say.

-You've never.

Well, I'm saying it now.

We're not having his idiotic sauce in the house.

-William, elbows off the table.

-Elbows off the table, dear.

-More admirers, darling?

-Mm...

-Anyone we know?

-No!

SHE SIGHS

Eat your chipolatas, Violet Elizabeth.

So...that's where babies come from!

Any questions? No, good, let's do some arithmetic.

Sir...

I didn't understand that.

What have seeds got to do with it? Bees don't have seeds.

-Well, in fact...

-Birds do, though, if you fill up the bird feeder.

-Not unless the squirrels get there first.

-Oh, I hate squirrels!

Boys!

Mr Attwater is trying to speak. Listen to the teacher!

Yes, thank you, Dalrymple. Fine, I'll go over the reproductive

system again tomorrow, but with closer reference to human beings.

We're not interested in girls, Sir. We'd rather not hear about them.

-Nonetheless, they do exist.

-They're different from us.

-Yes, they are.

-They can be really annoying.

-Well, so can you.

No, really, really annoying. My sister trod on my Spitfire model.

All I'd done was broken her bed.

Isn't life wonderful, hmm?

# Isn't it fun to be under the sun and sky?.. #

# When the barometer's high

# It's a bright, beautiful... # Stop the car!

No need to kill me, dearie, I just wanted to say hello!

Hello! I'm Mrs Bott, we have just moved into Croombe Hall.

-Pleased to meet you. Mrs Brown.

-Oh!

Would you like an helpful lift to the shops?

That's most kind, but I'm happy to walk.

Oh, come on, everybody likes a lift.

-No, really, fresh air is...

-Come on!

-You're very kind, but...

-Just get in the car!

Yes, it's not easy, living with my Botty.

-Your botty?

-My husband, Mr Bott, poor love.

He struggles with his weight. And his personality.

-Even with you to show him the way?

-Yes!

I sometimes put him in a corset, if we're going somewhere special. Oh!

-There he is, look!

-It certainly catches the eye.

-Yes.

We do hear of some drivers who see it and swerve off the road.

-Do you have any family?

-Yes, three children.

Ooh! Do you have anyone who could play with my six-year-old daughter?

-No.

-How old is your youngest?

-William is eleven.

-Oh, that'll do!

Bring him over for tea!

I want Violet Elizabeth to meet some nice children.

Oh, come on, dearie, bring the little boysie over.

Mine's just a girlie, she can't do any 'arm.

Harm.

Why me?! Why do I have to go to tea with some girl?

Because she's expecting you.

Bad enough that horrible family won't let us go play in the woods.

We've always played in the woods.

That girl had better not expect me to talk to her.

-She'll expect you to play with her, I'm sure.

-Play with a girl? Me?

Ow!

KNOCKING

-Good afternoon, Mrs Bott.

-Afternoon.

-Where's your dear little boysie

-Oh, has he escaped?

Ow!

Didn't think of him quite like that, but I'm sure he's sweet.

Would the dear little boysie like to look at a picture book?

I'm sure my daughter will cheer him up.

KNOCKING

Oh! Here she is!

-Good afternoon.

-Afternoon.

Take the little boysie out into the garden,

-Violet Elizabeth, and play with him nicely.

-Come along...boy.

-What's your name?

-William Brown.

I'm Violet Elithabeth.

Silly name for a silly girl.

-Now, you muth play with me.

-I don't play little girls' games.

Don't you like little girlth?

I don't know anything about 'em. Don't want to.

I like you. Don't you like me?

You do like me, don't you?

You're making me cwy! Yes, you are.

You're making me cwy, cos you won't say you like me!

Don't cry. I do like you...

-..honest.

-I'm tho glad.

You like all little girlth, don't you?

You do like all little girlth, don't you?!

Yes! I do. I do!

You with you wath a little girl, don't you?

Er... Yes, I do.

Kith me.

-Thath's not a kith.

-It's my kind of kiss.

All right. Now leth play fairieth. I'll thow you how.

Now it's your turn!

-Botty's done very well in business.

-Hasn't he just?

It's not hard to make money, not if you work hard.

-Have you tried Botts' Sauce?

-No.

It's a good sauce, isn't it?

Goes well with everything. Lovely deep brown.

Did he fight in the war at all, or was he busy making sauce?

I'll give you some to take home.

Oh, look, they're playing beautifully.

Well, that's not something you see every day.

Faster! Faster! Faster!

Looks like Violet Elizabeth's in charge!

Yes, I just hope William doesn't snap and throw her into the lake.

-Has he done that sort of thing before?

-Yes, he has.

Huwwy up!

Mrs Brown had always hoped that girls would have a civilising influence on her son,

but an afternoon spent being a servant gnome in Violet Elizabeth's court had had the opposite effect.

It was the nearest William had ever come to despair.

If all girls are like that...

Well...

When you think of the hundreds of girls there must be in the world,

it makes you feel sick.

So, I hope that makes it all a bit clearer.

Any questions?

-No? Good. On to arithmetic.

-Sir...

I think all girls and women should live on an island, away from us.

Do you?

Yes, I do.

Because, we just don't seem to get along.

-Well, you won't always feel that way.

-I will.

Well, you won't.

I will.

-No, you won't.

-I will.

Our society is founded on a man and a woman wanting to...

be together.

Gotta go. They want me at home all weekend. There's an aunt coming.

-Why are there so many aunts?

-Dunno.

Let's go back to the woods tomorrow.

Yeah, Bob said he'd show us how to make hats out of rhubarb leaves.

No, let's not go back there.

Why not?

Cos those horrible new gamekeepers said they'd tell our fathers

if they caught us.

Are you William or suddenly someone else?

THEY CLUCK CLUCK CHICKENS

William decided to investigate the alarming theory

that men and women wanted to be together.

For all his strongly-held views, William had an enquiring mind

and liked to get to the bottom of things.

His dog Jumble felt the same.

Hello, Gemima?

It's Robert.

No, er... Robert Brown.

-We met at the tennis club.

-I'm a bush.

William realised that it was true.

Everywhere you looked, men and women were paired up - or trying to be.

The question remained - why?

We did talk for about half an hour and I laughed a lot at your jokes.

Give up, Robert.

At least brothers and sisters could be relied upon not to get on.

I was wearing a blue cravat.

But you wouldn't recognise me now, because...

I'm in a biker gang.

No, not bicycles...

Stupid sauce.

We can't just throw it away.

I'm running low on three-quarter inch flat-headed brass screws.

Oh, you hopeless romantic(!)

-What's for dinner?

-Er, toad in the hole.

-Your latest two admirers, dear?

-Hmm.

I can't see it working, neither of them has a car.

Secretarial course going well?

Yes, I can type five words a minute.

That doesn't seem very many.

Wash your hands, please, William.

And remove your foliage... Now!

What about your sister, is she available?

Aahh!

-Har!

-Ha-har!

-Ha-har!

-Ha-har!

-Ha-har!

William, darling! I thaw you from the nurthery window coming along

and I ethcaped from Nanny!

Oh, William, darling, play with me again. It wath tho nith on Thurthday.

-Go away.

-We don't like girls.

William doth. He thaid he did.

He thaid he liked all little girlth.

-He thaid he withed he wath a little girl.

-No, I didn't.

Did he say anything else?

Yeth, and he kithed me and played fairieth with me.

-No, I didn't.

-Oh, you did!

Come on, we can't stop here all day talking to a girl.

But I want to come with you.

We're going to play boys' games. You wouldn't like it.

I like boyth gameth. Pleath let me come.

All right.

We can't stop you coming.

Wait for me!

-How's the search for a college coming along?

-Not good. I need to get out.

-I need to go someplace.

-Do you, dear?

If you pass the shop, could you buy a loaf?

-No, I mean, I need to escape.

-I know, darling.

-Well, if you really want to, I can't stop you.

-No.

-I'm probably going to buy a big motorbike and be in a gang.

-Right.

Maybe you should borrow Mr Nutley's motorbike next door

and see if you like it first?

-Remind me what you're rebelling against, Robert?

-Whatcha got?

Tread careful or instant death will be your fate. Ha-har!

-Ha-har!

-Ha-har!

Ignore her, she'll have had enough any minute.

Are we playing being animalth?

-Shut up!

-I'm a thnail, what are you?

I'm getting more than any of you! I'm all of a meth. Ithn't thith fun!

Right, now we'll be Indian braves and go hunting.

What thall I be?

"What thall I be? What thall I be?"

"What thall I be? What thall I be?"

It doth thound funny when you thay it like that! Thay it again!

No, and you aren't going to play!

You're making me cwy!

If you don't let me play, I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick.

And I can.

DISTANT SCREAMING

That's my Mummy.

Where's she gone?!

You're in such trouble!

All right, you can be a squaw.

A thquaw? What thort of noith doth it make?

It doesn't. It's a Red Indian lady.

Right, now we're going hunting and you stay here and cook the dinner.

All right. Kith me goodbye.

-What?!

-You mutht.

If you're going out to work and I cook the dinner,

you mutht kith me goodbye. They do.

What?

It's true, actually. They do.

I've changed my mind. I'm coming with you!

Ithn't it lovely! All thquithy between your toeth.

I like boyth gameth.

Argh! I thlipped.

I thlipped again.

Oi!

Stay right there!

Don't just stand there, ring the police!

-Thith ith tho much fun!

-We'll hide in here till they've gone.

We'll stay here. They'll never think of coming in.

They've gone in my cottage.

Little perishers! They've gone in my ruddy cottage!

Ooh, tho thtrong.

Look at all this mud. What's my old woman gonna say?

Pleath, you're not going to leave me, are you?

Gotcha!

Trespassing, sir, an a-damaging of the woods.

Seen the four of 'em before, but never caught 'em.

Now, you naughty children...

-They want prosecuting!

-You've taken their addresses?

-The ringleader's.

-I prefer the word "Chief".

-Shut up! Tie 'em to a tree!

Oh, she's a delicate little girlie,

she'll never survive out there on her own!

I'm going out to find her. Botty, ring the police again!

Everyone stop shouting!

We could go looking for your daughter, if you like...

..if she's who's lost.

If she IS lost.

Yes, thank you, thank you.

Look in the woods, around the village, everywhere.

If you find her, I'll let you off.

Anyone seen a little girl?! Hello? Violet Elizabeth!

It's your mumsie! Where are you? Violet!

-We'll give it a minute

-,

-then take you back.

Oh, pleath don't, I don't want to be tooken back.

I like being with you.

Look, we need to get out of trouble, so we're taking you home.

But first, we need to tidy you up a bit.

-Why?

-You're not looking your best.

All right. If you'll all kith me.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

EAR-SPLITTING SCREAM

We've found her.

Ith me, father.

Oh.

-Yes, I suppose it is.

-It is her.

-She's just been in a bog.

-Nanny!

She's been in a bog!

I don't know what you do to her to make her look normal,

but can you do it before her mother gets home?

-Right, well, we'll just...

-Stay!

You're not going anywhere until she's back to normal.

Anyone seen a little girl?!

Stop the car!

Go back, go back, go back!

Stop, stop, stop!

-Oh, lord.

-Mrs Brown!

Something terrible's happened!

-Is it too late to pretend to be asleep?

-Terrible!

Is something the matter?

My little girlie-wirlie's gone missing!

Your what?

My Violet Elizabeth.

I'm sure she hasn't gone far.

Oh, I hope you're right.

It's a safe village. Nothing happens here.

MOTORBIKE BACKFIRES

There, there.

You've met William. He's always out.

-We don't see him from one day to the next.

-We like that.

Lovely, though he is.

Thank you for trying to cheer me up.

Do I look like a panda?

-Yes.

-Not at all.

It's our favourite of all the bears.

You're very sweet.

Have a couple of bottles on me.

-How delightful.

-Ooh, have another one.

It goes well with everything!

How did that go?

Good.

Hello, boyth.

Yes, that's better!

-Has she been found?

-Good afternoon.

Oh! Oh, my child!

Oh, my darling child!

I wath a thquaw.

It dothn't make any thort of noith.

-It'th a lady.

-How did you...?

These boys found her.

Oh, how kind!

Oh, you're that nice boy who played with her so nicely the other day.

-Might be.

-I've just seen your Mumsie and Dadsie!

-Who?

Give them ten shillings each, Botty.

Well, in fact I'm not sure they deserve...

Don't you value your own daughter's life at even 30 shillings?

And we want to be able to play in the woods, like we always have.

Of course.

Well, it turned out all right, I suppose.

But I'm never going to have anything to do with any old girl ever again.

It's all very well saying that. But it's them what has to do with you.

And I'm never going to marry any old girl!

It's all very well saying that, but some girl will probably marry you.

What are your brothers doing outside my house?

-Dunno.

-No idea.

William was a positive boy, who held strong views on almost everything,

from the correct way to eat a whole plate of cakes,

to how to make a noise like a cow.

But some things were, and would remain, a mystery to him.

All William knew was, there were lots of better things

to do out there. He had the whole of his childhood to do them...

..and none of them involved girls.

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