Parrots for Ethel Just William

Ginger and Douglas were angry with William for having a sister.

Oh, I so love the summer.

-Oh, so do I.

-I completely agree.

William was angry with Ginger and Douglas for having older brothers

who had fallen in love with his sister.

It makes you wonder why we bother with winter at all.

BROTHERS LAUGH LOUDLY

-That's brilliant!

-You know, that's probably the funniest comment I've ever heard, ever.

And they were all angry with girls for once again ruining their lives.

-You can't blame me. Ethel's nothing to do with me.

-Apart from being your sister.

Exactly. She's just there in the house, being annoying.

Tell her to love my brother back, so he's less bad tempered.

No, tell her to love MY brother back. It's making Hector really grumpy.

What about me? George is so crabby since he got this thing about your Ethel.

-She's not MY Ethel!

-I was playing the mouth organ quiet as a mouse.

HE PLAYS LOUDLY AND TUNELESSLY

SAWING

'You'd think he'd like some nice soothing music if he's so in love.'

Shall we stop watching?

Mm. That's the trouble with moles - too shy.

Wow! Whose sports car is that?

My Uncle Neville's. He's staying for the weekend.

So he's not like your Dad, then?

No.

Why do you always do that?

So the crocodiles can't eat him, stupid. William, how's the go-kart?

-We crashed it into a wall.

-Good. That's what walls are there for.

-What are you doing?

-It's a new invention, called a slide show.

Looking at other people's photos will never be boring again. All aboard! Have some African nougat.

Hurry up, dear! >

Baboon. Papio cynocephalus.

Highly social. Stole my sandwiches.

Been given a heck of a smack, by the looks of it.

Yes, yes, many's the evening we'd gather round and read books by the glow of a baboon's bottom.

I need a baboon for my birthday.

Yes, you do. I'll sort that out for you.

Don't get your hopes up.

Or I could have a rhino, if that's easier. I could ride it in to school.

No! Next.

-Where's your lovely Ethel?

-She's out with two admirers.

-Two?

How modern. How about you, Robert - snaffled yourself a girlfriend yet?

-Well...

-No!

Why don't you try inflating your throat sac into a big red heart? Works for the frigate bird.

My pal Rolf wrestling a hyena.

-Shouldn't you have gone to help?

-Oh, no, Rolf hates being helped.

-Oh, I'd love to go to Africa.

-No, we're not Africa people.

I could always go on my own. Have an adventure.

You hate adventures.

We had to virtually drug and blindfold you to get you on the Isle of Wight ferry.

I had to destroy my silly little brother's trumpet because he was driving me mad with it.

Same with my silly little brother with his mouth organ.

Oh, brothers... don't get me onto William.

He had this thing he blew, which was supposedly a bird chirping but

-it sounded more like a goat being throttled.

-You poor sweetheart!

And I so love birds.

I'm very sensitive.

What's your favourite bird?

Um...

Parrots are rather sweet.

A nice little canary might be cheap...sweeter.

-But you can teach parrots to say funny things.

-Oh, yes!

Marry me!

I was just being a parrot.

My friend Mary was depressed, because she had a big spot or

something, and a friend of hers left a parrot for her as a surprise.

It cheered her up no end.

My Uncle's. He's very dashing.

Well, I can be dashing.

So can I.

Good night, boys.

William had been inspired by Uncle Neville's animal slideshow.

Worth a try.

-I need some animals.

-Why?

I want to do a talk about animals.

-Why?

-To show my Uncle that our lives are fascinating too.

And to stop my Mother running off to Africa with him.

So I need fascinating animals to lecture on.

It's still interesting to talk about.

Oh, yes, people'll come a long way to see a dead dormouse.

They'll come from abroad to see that.

"Oh, no, I cannot stay and eat this French bread in my house in France, because I've got to go to England

"to see a boy talk about an interesting dead dormouse."

We could say it's having a snooze.

A long snooze because it's had a late night.

Let's go and get Henry's cat.

Can't.

Gone on holiday with the family.

All right. We'll catch some more insects and show people them.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mrs Brown speaking.

Oh, hello dear.

Oh, poor thing.

Ah...

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-If it's William, no, you can't borrow anything.

(MUFFLED) No it's me, darling.

-I've just had a telephone call from...

-I can't hear what you're saying.

Mother, will you take that off!

You were out with Daphne last night, and she's just telephoned to say she's gone down with measles.

Oh, poor thing!

She did look rather sweaty.

You can't catch it down the telephone, you know.

But YOU may have caught it from her.

-Oh!

-I'm afraid you have to go into quarantine.

-Oh, what?!

Don't come any closer! I can't get ill, your father and brothers won't last a day without me.

All right!

I'll do a bit of quarantine, but I need to go out later...

No, you have to stay in this room for two weeks!

That's inhuman!

-Hello, boys.

-Hello, Mrs Brown.

William, Ethel is in quarantine for two weeks.

How come she gets to go to Quarantine?

I never go anywhere good. You might go to Africa, Ethel's in Quarantine.

It's very nice for me, just staying here!

Where is Quarantine?

It's not a place.

It means she has to be isolated in her room for two weeks so she won't spread measles.

I'm sure I'll regret asking, but what's in the box?

Oh, my dormouse. She died.

-Oh, I'm sorry, Ginger.

-He fed her poisonous berries.

She wouldn't have eaten them if they were poisonous! Mice aren't stupid.

Well, she obviously isn't that clever or she wouldn't live in a shoebox.

You two get the summerhouse ready, I'll find some interesting insects to lecture on.

BOTH: Huh!

-This is awful news.

-Yes, it is. Awful.

She seemed all right yesterday.

She was. I think it was eating those berries.

What berries?

-The berries Ginger gave her.

-Ginger gave her some berries?

Yes, he got them from his garden, she ate them all.

-But I heard in the village it was measles.

-No, it's worse than that.

-She's dead. She died in the night.

-What?!

Yeah, we found her in the little shoe-box she was living in

till we could get her a proper cage, and she was all like...

Who are you talking about?

Ginger's dormouse.

-Who are you talking about?

-Ethel.

-Oh! No, she's all right.

-She just has to stay in her room for a bit.

-Is she allowed visitors?

All right, but we're thinking of stuffing her.

Not your stupid mouse... I don't care about your stupid mouse!

-I think you'll find Ethel's more stupid than that mouse.

-She is not.

She is clever and beautiful.

-So you mean she's in quarantine?

-Yes.

It's not a place.

Marry me!

William! What are you up to?

Searching for insects for an interesting animal talk I'm giving.

-Excellent.

-With real life animals.

Some snoozin'...

deeply - but most awake.

I was hoping you'd come.

-It's not that Africa isn't interestin', but we've got creatures here which are stunnin'.

-Stunnin'?

-Yeah, stunnin'.

-When's the talk?

Whatever time you can get here, I suppose.

-Three o'clock?

-Very good. Count me in.

And...

could you tell my mother that I want her and you to come

-so she knows it isn't necessary to go to Africa with you?

-Righto!

So, you're a dark horse.

I turn my back and you start performing surgery.

Oh!

Ethel's in quarantine. Her friend's got measles. So don't go into her room.

Not that you would.

I've bought you a book.

Oh, is it How Not To Strangle Your Demanding Daughter?

No. That one's sold out. There's been a run on it.

Thank you. That's very... apt.

It's by my pal Rolf, as it happens. Where's my brother?

-He had to go into the office.

-On a Saturday?

Yes, they've got behind with their docketing, apparently.

-What's that?

-I don't know!

There was something I had to tell you.

Thank you.

Can't find any insects.

Maybe a dog and a dead dormouse aren't enough for an animal talk.

Come on.

"Mr William Brown is going to lekcher on animals, so kinly give him any spare animals."

"If Mr William Brown is out looking for valubel insex, leave animals

on the table and tie them up, so if they are savvidge they won't do dammidge."

"Mr W Brown is a very interestin leckcherer, so come and listen to him at 3 o'clock."

Good deal about you in it, but not much about us.

-Ethel?

-BIRD: Ethel!

What's going on? Eh?

­ Cake!

Heaven forbid that I should have a moment's peace.

Oh, well, of course - it wouldn't be for me.

-BELL TINKLES

-Coming!

Only one caterpillar.

Still, as you're such an interesting lecturer...

Someone may have left some really interesting animals.

I'm sure that's very likely.

BIRD CAWS

Whoa!

This is really nice of somebody.

Ethel!

THEY LAUGH

George's left me a surprise on the garden table.

How sweet!

He's remembered my story about my depressed friend being cheered up by a talking bird.

Well, run along and get it then.

-And please take off that mask, it makes you look completely mad.

-No!

-Who'd give away a pet like that?

-Who the hell are you?

Maybe it uses such bad language they didn't want it in the house.

Bum!

Do it again.

But even ruder.

Where's my caterpillar?

You must have left it on the table.

Wee-wee!

All right, who's stolen the caterpillar?

-Is that all there was on the garden table?

-Yes, dear.

"A little friend to keep you company."

Was it something nice, dear?

-My brother's an idiot!

-Push George into the river!

You won't believe this - someone's pinched the caterpillar!

-No!

-Yeah, we'll have to find another one.

Come on.

Ethel?

For years, nobody gives us a parrot, then we get two!

-Let's see if it talks to the other one.

-Yeah.

Oh, it's from Hector.

He's left a "little friend to keep you company" on the garden table.

-Would you go and get it, Mummy?

-Oh, what the hell.

It would be worth measles for a nice lie-down.

Again! Oh, that's really funny.

Someone's stolen that caterpillar too!

No!

-Yes, this is the most mysterious thing that's ever happened to me in my life.

-Here it is.

Where shall we sit?

-Over there.

-Looks like we'll have to start the animal talk with two parrots and a dog.

-And a dead dormouse.

-And a SLEEPIN' dormouse!

No, you can't sit there.

That's reserved. Go!

What are we waiting for?

More better animals, I hope.

No, not for more better animals!

Right, I'll start.

So, animals like parrots need careful care, because they can get violent.

That's horrid!

We almost had an interesting caterpillar here today, but it was stolen - twice.

It was called caterpillo caterpillius.

And it was as stunning as anything you'll find in Africa.

We think the mouse is dead.

-No, it's hibernating.

-In the summer?

-Yes. There's the winter hibernatin' kind, and the summer hibernatin' kind.

-And the dead kind.

-Maybe it's pretending to be dead, because it doesn't like the look of you lot.

-Come on, let's go!

If you wait long enough, the parrots will use bad language.

Knickers!

All right, that was me.

My Auntie used to have a parrot, and she said it cost pounds and pounds to feed.

If they get ill, you'll just have to let them die.

-Another thing I forgot to say is, girl animals are more stupid and annoying than boy animals.

-True.

And sometimes the girl animals drive the boy animals mad, so they break their brothers' things and so on.

-I hate boys.

-Yeah, they do.

-Cretins!

-Ah, good afternoon, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, Hector.

Just calling to see if the parrot was settling in all right.

-Parrot?

-Yes, the parrot that arrived this morning.

A parrot didn't arrive this morning.

What? Are you sure?

Yes, it's not such an exciting house that a parrot could arrive unnoticed.

Have you been to Ethel's bedroom today?

Frequently.

-And there was no parrot?

-No.

-But now you mention it, there was an angry squawking creature.

-Ah!

Called Ethel.

-You didn't leave her a caterpillar?

-No, I don't think that would have struck quite the right note.

How right you are.

-Goodbye, Mrs Brown.

-Goodbye, Hector.

GIRLS SCREAM

Go away, William!

Go away!

A-ha!

Oh... Whose is that parrot?

-Mine.

-Where did you get it?

Someone gave it to me.

I was actually looking for a parrot like that. To give to someone.

Again.

William was a generous-hearted boy, but he had a strong sense of natural justice.

All right.

I'll swap it with you.

-What for?

-Especially if there were wrongs that needed righting.

People ought to be put in their place.

I want to get Ginger a present.

One of those nice toy trumpets you can buy down the village.

-Oh, all right!

-I'll come with you.

And you should carry this, it's heavy.

BIRD: Bum! Willy! Bum, willy, bum, bum, bum!

-Good afternoon, Mrs Brown.

-Hello, George.

-I was wondering how the parrot was doing.

-There is no parrot here.

Yes, I'm sure. Yes, I've been up to Ethel's room 98 times. No parrot sightings whatsoever.

Just a series of caterpillars being hurled out of windows.

Good. Thank you...

-I'll be off then.

-Lovely. Goodbye.

TRUMPET RASPS

William?

-Yes?

-Have you seen a parrot?

Yes.

Sharp claws, come in different colours, famous for talking.

Have you seen a parrot today?

SQUAWKING

-You little...!

-Ow! Ow!

How dare you steal my parr-...

-Oh, shut up!

-Right. Well, that's not actually my...

-All right. My mistake.

-Apologise!

-Sorry.

-BIRD: Oh, shut up!

-You want this parrot, don't you?

-Might do.

-We'll swap it.

-What for?

One of those nice mouth organs from down the village, like the one of Douglas's you sawed in half.

We'll come with you, and we could go there right now.

BIRD: Pieces of eight! Pieces of eight!

You should carry this, it's heavy.

And for tugging my ear, you'd better buy me and Jumble somethin' nice as well.

We should do the same to my brother.

Don't worry. Already thought of that.

TRUMPET RASPS

BELL TINKLES

-Hello, dear. What's for supper?

-Roast parrot!

-That's a shame.

-I had that for lunch.

-PHONE RINGS

Telephone!

Yes, what?

Oh, I can't tell you how pleased I am.

I've got it, you know. The measles.

Oh, I feel terribly, terribly weak.

But I'm going to fight it with every fibre in my body.

You haven't got measles. Daphne just rang to say it's food poisoning.

SHE LAUGHS

Ah...Yes.

I'm afraid I was planning to slip off for an hour or two.

I'm sorry, Mummy.

Have I been a nightmare?

Yes, dear.

It had been a successful day, in the end, but slightly strange, and William looked forward to

bolting down a large supper in about 15 seconds, and an evening twanging his mouth harp.

Reassuringly simple things, compared to the complexities of human relationships.

Especially those that involved girls.

Don't you dare!

-But part of William did want his family, and his life...

-HONK

to be more interesting.

Rolf!

Get in, William.

What time do you call this? I said three o'clock.

Oh, blow! Sorry, old chap.

-In you jump.

-I've never met a dashing explorer before.

-Right. It's a bit of a squeeze!

Come on, Jumble.

Where are we going?

Not sure yet.

Let's see what adventures life throws up, shall we?

-How was your animal talk?

-Stunnin', actually.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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