The School Report Just William

If William had a fault,

it was that for good reasons he often did bad things.

Has anyone seen my newspaper?

But overall he was a good boy,

with a lot of vital, urgent projects.

William?

Yes?

Why are you dressed like that?

It's an idea for the fancy dress competition at the church fete.

And you are supposed to be?

A newspaper boy. I'm taking it seriously this year because you can win a donkey.

A donkey ride.

-While you're here we need to have a chat.

-What about?

Your terrible school marks.

-I need to go to the lavatory.

-Sit!

Not you. William.

HE GROANS

Go and pick up that pen for your papa, would you, Violet Elizabeth?

I'm not Violet Elizabeth.

I'm Little Bo Peep with my sheep.

-Oh!

-HE RINGS BELL

The weight's come back on with a vengeance, hasn't it, Botty?

Skipping keeps me skinny.

-Do you want to come skipping with me, Daddy?

-No, thank you.

I can skip slowly so you don't fall behind.

No, I think your papa needs a bit more than skipping, don't you, Botty?

He needs a completely new body.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Thank you.

Maybe we should put you on a fast.

Who is Bob Andrews?

Oh, he's that nice man who sits in a seat in his shed smoking ceaselessly.

What did she say?

I think Bob Andrews is the one who doesn't seem to do very much in the garden.

It takes two girls 30 minutes to eat a cake.

How long will it take three girls to eat it? You've answered,

-"the cake's already been eaten."

-That's the right answer.

Let's imagine there's another cake.

How long would it take the three girls to eat it?

Well, girls are never very hungry, are they?

You don't know, do you, because your arithmetic is appalling.

-182.

-No.

-200...

I'm afraid you're going to have to be tutored this summer holiday.

-In the holidays?! No!

-Yes.

I bet even slaves didn't have to work in the holidays.

I'll get brain fever from overwork like they get in books

and you'll have to pay my doctors' bills, perhaps even my funeral.

And if I did die there'd be an inquest about it in Parliament.

I'm willing to risk it.

How do you know I haven't come on really well with arithmetic recently?

All right,

I won't hire a tutor until I've seen your school report.

If it's better than usual you won't need extra lessons in the holiday.

HE SNORES

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Ah, hello, Botty.

-What the devil are you doing calling me that?!

Well, I heard your wife saying it, so I assumed it was your name.

-Mr Bott to you.

-You're the boss.

Anyway, Bob...

Mr Andrews to you.

I need to sack you because it seems you're rather idle.

Well, I don't rush around needlessly, if that's what you mean.

Yes, well,

I'm giving you two weeks' notice. Goodbye.

The flower bed in front of the house needs weeding.

OK, Botty.

It's all wrong, Jumble.

Stupid arithmetic.

Like that's ever going to be useful!

Let's go and see Bob.

He's always fun.

Come on, Jumble.

Sacked?! Why?

Well, the old devil up there in the house says I don't work hard enough.

-What?! You're always whittling us boats and stuff.

-I know.

The trouble is,

nowadays, people don't understand the value of just sitting quietly.

We've got to do something.

Goodbye, burnt toast.

Anyone seen William?

He was brushing his teeth with a stick.

He says that's how they do it in Africa.

-Makes a change from using Robert's toothbrush to do Jumble's teeth.

-Ethel!

-What?!

ETHEL LAUGHS

Letter from my Aunt Augusta.

Is she the one with the wooden leg?

No, that's Aunt Agnes.

Aunt Augusta's rather old and argumentative.

And has piles of money.

WILLIAM SLAMS PLATE DOWN

What's the matter with you?

-Usually you eat breakfast like a muck spreader.

-Robert!

He's a little bit miz because we're planning to hire a tutor for him during the holidays.

-There's laws against it.

-No, there aren't.

There will be when I'm in charge.

My Aunt Augusta is coming on Friday.

-Is she the one with the wooden leg? ALL:

-No, that's Aunt Agnes.

HE SNIFFS

Hello again, burnt toast.

-Ooh!

-DOG YAPS

Morning, dear.

-Violet Elizabeth.

-Good morning, Daddy.

Mmm!

HE CHUCKLES

Thank you.

Where's my breakfast?

Now, don't get peeved.

I have found a thrilling new regime for you to follow in one of my magazines.

Do I have to?

Oh, come on, Botty, we can do this together.

Not together in that sense, but I can help you.

-And so can Violet Elizabeth.

-I still think we should both go skipping, Daddy.

I am not going skipping!

Botty, you're a fighter.

That's how you made it in business. Don't be defeated by a few pounds!

Or stone, I suppose it is.

There's exercises, too.

Settle down!

I know it's approaching the end of term, but I still need you to...

Ginger, sit down.

Dalrymple threw something at my head, sir.

It wasn't me, sir. It was a poltergeist.

Right. What is Great Britain made up of?

-Great and Britain.

-No.

It's England, Wales, and...?

An old woman wearing a funny hat!

-No, Henry.

-And why's the old woman carrying a pig, sir?

THEY LAUGH

It's not a pig, it's Wales.

It's nothing like an old woman carrying a stupid pig.

-Glad to hear it, Mr Attwater.

-Headmaster.

Well, I hate to spoil your well of happiness, boys, but I have here your school reports.

Take them around.

As usual we've tried in our comments to be fair-minded,

helpful, and gently encouraging.

-Ow!

-Sorry.

But I'm sure you'll find our comments unhelpful, vindictive and illegible.

Douglas, practise your catching over the summer.

Be that as it may, these reports are to be taken to your parents,

and any boy found opening and reading his will be severely punished.

Is that clear?

-ALL:

-Yes, sir.

It says I'm fantastic!

-"Fantastically irritating."

-Oh, yes.

It's true. I am generally thoughtful.

-Could be worse.

-"His handwriting suggests he is writing while on the back of a fast-moving camel."

"Tends to overdo the sarcasm."

Oh, how interesting(!)

Come on. It's not that bad, is it?

Ooh, it is.

That's it, then.

First Bob Andrews gets the sack,

now my father makes me do lessons all summer.

Fine summer this is going to be.

MAN GROANS

GROANING CONTINUES

-HIS BACK CLICKS

-Ow!

Oh! Aaah!

Aaah! It's cold!

I've got it.

What are you playing at?

I'll give it back if you promise to let Bob stay.

Bob?

Bob Andrews. Who you're sacking even though he's done nothing.

You are a naughty little boy, and if you aren't careful I shall tell your father.

You can't. He's in jail for making people work in the holidays.

Give me back my clothes, and we'll say no more about it.

I'll give them back if you don't send Bob away.

-Now, look here...

-No, you look here.

-What?!

What?! You!

William?

Why are you wet?

Well...I was walking by a pond, minding my own business,

and I saw a duck which looked like it was drowning. So I said,

-"Are you all right?"

-And what did the duck say?

It didn't reply.

So I said,

"I can't get my school uniform wet."

-But it...

-Carried on drowning?

Yes. So I jumped in and rescued it.

Come here.

You will feel free to experiment with honesty, won't you?

Er, yes, I will.

-I bumped into Ginger's mother today.

-Ginger?

-William's friend.

Which one is he?

Take a wild guess.

The ginger one?

Mmm. She was bemoaning his school report.

Apparently he's gone beyond "must try harder" to "the door is always open if he wishes to leave."

-So where's William's report?

-Exactly.

-BOTH:

-William!

Is it supper time?

I'll come back later.

Where's your school report, William?

-I left it at school.

-Why?

For safety.

Well, it's true there have been a shocking number of school report thefts recently.

Perhaps you should leave it there forever, just to be extra safe.

That's not actually a bad idea.

Bring it home. We need to see it.

Oh, and William... My Aunt's coming tomorrow,

-and, how shall I put this, it's quite important that we're nice to her.

-Why?

Because it's important that we're nice to everyone in life.

Even Hitler, if he was still alive?

No, not Hitler.

-Or Mussolini?

-None of the fascist leaders.

So don't put frogs in teapots.

Or lash her leg to a chair.

Why would I do that?

I don't know, but you did it to Aunt Winifred.

What's so special about Aunt Augusta?

One day, if she likes us,

some crumbs may fall off her table onto ours.

And it might be a shame to miss out on any crumbs.

Oh, you mean when she's dead.

-ELECTRICAL ZAPPING

-My hairdryer's stopped working!

HE SIGHS

Was Daddy always big and fat?

Oh, I wouldn't say he's actually fat, dear.

-Yes, he is.

-Gosh, yes, he is, isn't he?

He didn't have very much when he was growing up.

So when we got bit of money he...

He bought lots of food. And ate it.

Oh.

HE GROANS

Come away, Violet Elizabeth. You're upsetting yourself.

BELL RINGS

CHILDREN CHEER

Hand your essays in and leave quietly without breaking anything. Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Come on!

Stay behind, Mr Brown.

Thank you, thank you.

Pockets, please.

Er, not that one.

I didn't mean that one either.

Yes, you don't spell clever with a K.

What, never?

No. If it's any consolation,

the world is full of people who had awful school reports but went on to be geniuses.

Although history doesn't record whether they spelt "genius"

with a J and two Ss.

Looks like I'll have to give them the real report, and spend the whole summer indoors with a horrible tutor

getting paler and paler until I'm so pale I can't be seen except against a dark background.

There should be laws against it.

Yes, you said.

Have you got the camera?

Right!

Oh, boys, I need your help. I'm lost.

-Where are you trying to get to?

-Mr and Mrs Brown's house. Do you know them?

Sometimes I wonder if I do.

I was given a short cut through the woods from the station, but I've gone wrong somehow.

All right, I'll show you the way.

Why, thank you.

We'll...do the other thing, then.

Bye.

-Bye.

-Bye.

It's William, isn't it?

Yes.

I'm your great-aunt Augusta, and you can take me all the way home with you.

All right.

So you haven't got a wooden leg?

No.

-Have you?

-No.

How are your family?

Well, Ethel's horrible.

Robert STILL can't get a girlfriend.

The new electric toaster's a disaster. And it's going to be the worst summer ever.

Well, I don't know where you children get the idea that life's supposed to be enjoyable.

William knew they were not that far from his house,

but he was in no hurry to reach home and share the hideous contents of his report.

He was sure there was a solution to his current problem, if only he could think of it.

Why didn't you take the bus?

I'm not spending good money on a bus fare.

So are you a bit mean?

SHE LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY

-Are you sure this is the tie your aunt gave me?

-Yes.

How does it look?

Spectacular.

Good.

It seems an awfully long way.

I'm not putting off getting home because I don't want to see my parents or anything.

I'm not suggesting that you were.

Haven't we been here before?

No. We're lost. This wood goes on for miles and miles and miles.

People have sometimes been lost for days.

They once found these two skeletons of people who were lost, and they looked all...

Oh, dear.

Let's try this path. It might be the right one.

No, I'm exhausted.

-All right, I'll go.

-No!

We must keep together at all costs.

But I need to stop for a while.

I know! We could leave a trail.

A trail of what?

I could tear this into little pieces.

All right, dear.

Since it's a matter of life and death.

Is it something you can spare?

Yes.

-Righty-oh, dear.

-I'll tear it really small.

CAMERA CLICKS

CAMERA CONTINUES CLICKING

HE GROANS

Don't worry. It's all right, the road's just down there.

Oh, I'm so glad. What a relief!

Yes, it's a huge, big relief.

What was the paper you tore up?

-My school report.

-You tore up your school report for me?

I'd rather lose my school report than have you starving to death.

Was it an especially good one?

Well, we aren't allowed to look at them.

But I think it was quite something.

But if it was bad, that would be a rather brilliant way of disposing of it.

You don't miss much, do you?

Of course, we could always pick up the bits and stick them together.

No, that wouldn't work, because there might be a double O, from "good,"

and it might look like it came from "poor."

Good answer.

Thank you.

So have you got a lot of money?

Yes, I suppose I have.

Do you always find people trying to get their hands on it?

Yes, I do rather.

-Can I have some?

-No, you can't.

Although I'm impressed by your honesty.

So there we were, completely lost,

and your dear boy went ahead to explore.

Nervous of us being separated, he tore up his school report to mark a trail,

despite the fact that he was so looking forward to you reading it.

So it was a good report, was it, William?

We aren't allowed to look at them.

But we both think it was probably quite something.

I've got to go now. I have some urgent business with the Outlaws.

That's a nasty wound on your arm, dear. How did you get that?

I got a vicious bite from the duck I was trying to save from drowning.

The ducks can be ferocious around here.

Fibbing little tyke!

THEY LAUGH

I see you dug out the tie I gave you.

Well, it was the least we could do.

Why do you think I'm wearing the brooch you gave me?

Oh, lovely! Thank you.

It was Mr Bott's turn to discover that William lived by a simple credo...

Doing good, righting wrongs,

and pursuing happiness.

-If you burn 'em, we've got more.

-What are you going to do with them?

Just show them to people.

That's a contract, signed in all our life's blood.

It actually hurt quite a lot.

-Painful.

-It did, really painful.

-But we thought it was worth it.

-It says we'll keep the photos safe as long as you let Bob Andrews stay in his job.

-You know what?

Blackmail is a dirty little word.

-Ginger...

-I'm not giving in to it.

We've got some more of you eating cake.

All right! He can keep his job. Now go away!

Who's in there with you, Daddy?

Don't tell her we're in here.

-We'll go quietly.

-Is it someone I can play with, papa?

No, there's nobody in here, Violet Elizabeth.

I can see you!

Wait for me!

-You've got your job back, Bob!

-Oh! Thank you very much!

Don't be scared! I'm only a girl!

-I'll walk you to the station, Auntie.

-Thank you, dear.

-Don't worry, I won't go on for ever.

-I hope you do.

Goodbye, William.

Bye.

Thank you, dear.

Ahem!

Do you need me to lend you some money?

No, thank you.

Funny thing you getting lost in the woods, William.

You know every inch of them, don't you?

So what was your report really like?

We aren't allowed to look at them,

as I think I've already said.

Thank you for helping out with Aunt Augusta.

Your mother and I aren't greedy,

But it might be nice one day to reduce the mortgage, which is a millstone round our necks.

I don't know what that means.

No. Quite right.

So I suppose we'd better let you off your tutoring in the summer holiday.

Is it because you couldn't bear the thought of having me around the house all through the summer?

Mainly, yes.

The summer holiday was nearly here,

and suddenly the prospect was deliriously exciting.

Morning, Jumble.

William had everything.

His friends, his dog, his village, enough enemies to make life interesting, and time on his hands.

As long as he didn't run into Violet Elizabeth or girls in general, he'd be all right.

Oi! What have you got in there?

-Oh.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-We've just moved in. I'm Dorinda.

-William.

It's a rat.

On the other hand, some girls, clearly, were more acceptable than others.

Incredible!

Terrific!

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