William Holds the Stage Just William


William Holds the Stage

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Help me, William! Help me, please!

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Help me, William, save me!

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'William had recently had a change of heart about girls.'

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Help me, William!

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'Or about one girl, anyway.'

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DOG GROWLS

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-Oh, William!

-Ha-ha!

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'A distaste for girls had been one of William's many foibles.

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'Shyness, however, had never been a problem.

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'Nor was lack of energy.

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'Or appetite.'

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Elbows off the table.

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-I was just finishing a poem about how false and bland our suburban lives are.

-Were you, dear?

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-Super.

-Bye.

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'Nor was William good at sitting still for long periods.'

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Who was that?

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'Above all, William wasn't lacking in confidence.'

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They just make me want to cry.

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Oh, that's perfectly normal.

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I look at William Brown and think

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you're not bad, or dim,

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so how can you manage to be so infuriating?

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-Headmaster!

-Ah.

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-I've had an idea.

-How exciting.

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Mr Attwater, this is Mr Wellbecker, school governor, Shakespeare expert.

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And all-round clever-clogs.

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An annual prize for the class who stages the best Shakespeare scene.

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Children love Shakespeare.

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That's a terrific idea.

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Terrific.

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Isn't it? I have a clever theory about teaching,

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it shouldn't be left to teachers.

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And I have a theory about children.

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Well, don't waste it on us. Let's try it out on a class right now.

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Fight, fight, fight, fight!

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Headmaster!

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Boys, this is Mr Wellbecker,

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who has come to talk to you about Shakespeare.

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Whom you love.

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Mr Attwater and I will leave you to it.

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-Whilst we get on with important...

-Educational...

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Planning. Exactly.

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Carry on.

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Thank you.

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William Shakespeare.

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Get back!

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Get back!

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Last thing we need,

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some hair-brained Shakespeare competition every year.

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-Tiny pre-luncheon sherry?

-Oh yes, please, Headmaster.

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Fight, fight, fight!

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I'm going to count to ten... Then...

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QUIET!

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Hello. Yes, I am an expert on the Bard,

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-indeed I've written a book about him.

-I've written a book.

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Perhaps, but you've not had it published, have you?

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No, I've not tried.

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-And it wasn't about Shakespeare, was it?

-No.

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It was about someone a jolly sight more interesting.

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-The greatest writer of plays who has ever lived?

-I wrote a play once.

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Yes, well.

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-It was about a pirate.

-Shh.

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My book has a clever theory that Shakespeare's plays

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-were in fact written by Bacon.

-Sounds more like a stupid theory to me.

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A man called Francis Bacon,

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who lived at the same time as Shakespeare.

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Why's Shakespeare got his name on all the books?

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-Stop interrupting.

-Yes, let Mr Wellbecker speak.

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-So did this Ham...?

-Bacon.

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Well, it's nearly the same.

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I am instituting a prize for the class

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that stages the best scene from Shakespeare.

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Now, the play you'll be performing.

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A man called Hamlet.

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When I called him Ham you said it was Bacon,

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and now you're calling him Ham.

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That was a different man. Listen!

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This man was called Hamlet and his uncle had killed his father

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because he wanted to marry his mother.

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Why did he want to marry his mother?

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It was Hamlet's mother he wanted to marry.

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-Oh, that man who you think wrote the plays.

-No that was Bacon.

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But you just said it was Ham!

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Look, so we're not muddled, let's call them both Eggs. All right?

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Hello, William!

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Hello, Dorinda.

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Frog.

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Good frog.

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I'm going to be in a play at school.

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-Who are you going to be?

-The most important person in it.

-Are you?

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Yes.

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I was the only person that knew anything about plays so they've given me the biggest part.

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It's by... Eggs.

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Oh, William. I think you're wonderful!

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Yeah.

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No, Stanley I'm afraid I don't love you.

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Your sticking-out teeth don't help, no.

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Is William reading a proper book?

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Mm.

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That's never happened before.

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He's suddenly keen on Hamlet.

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Yes, you can still buy me a present.

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Bye!

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DOOR OPENS

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I hate this house. It's so damn tidy and "nice".

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I know, dear, it's hateful.

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Bye!

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Why are his lips moving?

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To be or not to be, that's...

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nonsense.

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It's actually the most famous speech in the English language.

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Good to see you showing an interest in literature, William.

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-So this Hamlet wants to kill someone.

-Yes.

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-Himself.

-Well, that's a bit daft.

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Or his uncle, who killed his father by pouring poison

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in his ear and turned him into a ghost.

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Because he loved Hamlet's mother.

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Interesting parents.

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So, did any of that ever happen to you?

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To be or not to be.

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With a bare bodkin how do these fardels bear?

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-What is that rubbish?

-Shakespeare.

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It's actually the most famous speech in the English language.

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Do you want to hear real poetry which I wrote?

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No.

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See the tight people in their suits, their uniforms.

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Howl at the moon.

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Howl at the lawnmowers which are so self-congratulatory.

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Now it doesn't rhyme or anything, but that is deliberate.

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Yeah, nice.

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To grunt and sweat under a weary life.

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Soft you now! Fair Opp-heliya!

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It's a play, Jumble. I'm Hamlet.

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That's the best part.

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The part of Hamlet

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will be played

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by Dalrymple.

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What?!

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-William Brown, Attendant.

-Eh?

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Douglas, the Queen.

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LAUGHTER

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-Please don't make me a woman, sir.

-Don't whine!

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I'm sure Dalrymple will make a great Queen.

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No, no, no, you've made a mistake.

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The Attendant doesn't speak.

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Doesn't he? Oh, dear.

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Percy, Polonius.

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I want to say something.

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I've no doubt you do.

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It's not fair! I just stand there while horrible Dalpimple is Hamlet.

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Why are you so upset about this?

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I'm not.

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But I told Dorinda I'd have the biggest part.

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Greenfly. Work of Beelzebub.

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Everyone can't be Hamlet, William.

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I know. But it should be me. I've learnt the speech and everything.

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Hamlet was on recently in town and the main actor

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-fell ill so another one stepped into the breach.

-Why did he do that?

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Do what?

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-Step into the thing you said.

-What thing?

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You said an actor stepped in something.

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Let's start again.

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The sick actor's part was played by another actor.

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At least you're not playing a queen, and have to wear a dress.

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I'd rather that than an attendant who just stands there.

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I'd rather just stand there.

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Me too.

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But I am going to play Hamlet

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because Dalrymple's going to fall ill and I'll step onto the...

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beach.

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And what if he doesn't fall ill?

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-We could pour poison in his ear, like in the play.

-Not to kill him.

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No, killing gets you into all sorts of trouble.

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-What would make him ill but not kill him?

-A rotten fish?

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How are we going to get a rotten fish in Dalrymple's ear?

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Wait till he's asleep?

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Tell him it's good for hearing.

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I know. We could pour gin in his ear.

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Why?

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Well, I accidentally drank some once and I felt like I was going to die.

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I can get some gin. My dad drinks it.

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It's got to be bad, it did make him fall into the cellar.

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Do I smell of greenfly repellent?

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-Yes.

-Sorry.

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I prefer it to that cologne you bought in Torquay.

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Is there a problem, Robert?

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-Girls.

-Been turned down again?

-I hate them.

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I'm going to throw myself into my poetry.

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DOOR SLAMS UPSTAIRS

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I think William's keen on that girl Dorinda.

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William likes a girl?

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I thought he wanted to send them all to an island.

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She is quite a tomboy. It's very sweet.

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Maybe girls will tame him.

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-DOOR SLAMS AGAIN

-Will you stop slamming your stupid door!

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What do you mean, "Turned down again"?!

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Perhaps not.

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-Hello, Dorinda.

-How's your school play?

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Very good. How's your frog?

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-Not very well.

-Oh.

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Are you really going to be the hero in the play?

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Yes. I have a speech that goes on for hours and hours and hours,

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the longest there's ever been in a play.

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-I talk for hours.

-I'm coming to see it.

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No, you don't want to do that.

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-I do.

-No, you don't.

-It might be the last chance I have to see you.

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Why? Are you going blind?

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No, we're moving house.

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This one's rented, and we're buying one miles away.

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Oh.

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-I'll look after your sick frog if there's no room for it in your new house.

-Thank you, William.

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To be or not to be, that is the question.

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Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows...

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Oh, and, Douglas, I want you to bring out the Queen's burgeoning sense of parental malaise.

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-I could bring that out if you like.

-Shut up.

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On you go.

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I shall obey you and for your part...

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Stop! Monstrous!

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You sound like you're trying to shout an old aunt to death.

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-You said be loud.

-Yes, loud and good, not loud and bad.

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Everyone have a break and try to feel your way into your characters.

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I have a clever theory that...

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-I'll tell you another time. Ophelia.

-Hello, Dalrymple.

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-Hello.

-How are you feeling?

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Fine.

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Do you, by any chance, have any diseases in your family?

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-None of your business.

-I've got goat flu in my family.

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-Have you got the gin?

-Yes.

-Ready?

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Goat flu makes you turn purple, and you lose your voice

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so you can't be in plays.

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Do you perhaps have anything like that?

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No, because my family eat well and I have a big clean house.

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-Look, the Headmaster with a bucket on his head!

-Aghh! It stings.

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Hold him still!

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Put the Prince of Denmark down!

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They've squirted something wet in my ear.

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Yes!

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He still looked awfully healthy at the end of the day.

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-Ah, come on. It's not so bad, not saying anything in the play.

-No!

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We can't let Dalrymple play Hamlet.

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I've learnt all the lines, I've made promises to people.

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-Who?

-It can't be that hard to make someone ill. How do people get sick?

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By getting sneezed over.

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I'm not wasting a good sneeze on Dalrymple.

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You're not ill anyway.

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My cat's got a cold.

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He keeps sneezing.

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I can't bring my cat into school, it's not allowed.

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Tell Mr Attwater you're bringing him in because he's a magic talking cat.

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But he talks really quietly -

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more of a magic murmuring cat than a magic talking cat.

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So Dalrymple leans in to hear what he's murmuring about,

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the cat sneezes on him, he catches a bad cold, and I play Hamlet.

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MUSIC PLAYS: SHAKE RATTLE AND ROLL

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To grunt and sweat under a hairy wife.

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Soft you now, fair Opp-helia.

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Turn that down!

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-What, Daddy?!

-This conscience does make custard of us all.

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Turn that blasted music down or find something with a tune!

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Sorry, Daddy, can't hear you!

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Girls, girls,

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don't think you know everything when you know nothing

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except how to look nice and

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not always even that, in some cases.

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Trees...

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Trees...

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You make me...

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..so...

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angry because, because...

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because your bark is worse...

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..than your bite.

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-Quiet.

-I took the plug off Ethel's gramophone.

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I ran into little Dorinda.

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-She seems to think William has a huge part in this school play competition.

-Mm?

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Rather than his actual role of non-speaking Attendant.

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-What is he playing at?

-You know what he's like.

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-He gets carried away. I'm sure you were the same as a boy.

-Don't be absurd.

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No, there's a sound missing.

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-Robert slamming something?

-No.

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Ethel on the phone to some poor sobbing youth?

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No.

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The grandfather clock isn't ticking.

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I'll fix it in the morning.

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Henry, don't throw paper,

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unless you want me to confiscate your so-called mumbling cat.

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Murmuring cat, sir.

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A mumbling cat would be ridiculous, sir.

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Right, break in a minute or two, and afterwards I want you to... No, no!

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Dalrymple, come and listen to the cat.

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He can't talk, you idiot.

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Well, you'll never know, will you?

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BELL RINGS

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-Talk, then.

-He's thinking of something to say.

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Come on Spangle, sneeze.

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I mean speak.

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Pepper.

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Pepper makes him chatty.

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You have to put your head in, or you might not hear what he's murmuring.

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Yes! Did we say "magic talking cat"?

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We meant "magic sneezing cat".

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To be or not to be...

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...that is the question.

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Whether 'tis nobler in the slings to suffer the mind and arrows.

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-That's not quite right.

-It's as sensible as what's in the book.

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-But is the boy playing Hamlet ill?

-No.

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We thought he was going to be, but by some miracle he isn't.

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So we'll be coming along later.

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You will go straight to school, won't you, or they'll be anxious?

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-Coming to the play?

-I'd rather die. I'm a modernist.

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I'm not interested in conventional theatre. And I'll tell you why.

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-William.

-Evening.

-Evening.

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This is a gate. It's an intriguing device most of us use for getting in and out of the garden.

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'William disliked arriving early for anything.

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'Especially when he had a humiliating evening ahead,

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'and a present to make for the only girl he'd ever met whom he liked.'

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Thank you, Sir.

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-Can't I do it like this, sir?

-No, Shakespeare's queens did not wear trousers, even at weekends.

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-Come on, quickly.

-Thank you, sir.

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-Ophelia...

-Thank you, sir.

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Um, Headmaster, Mr Wellbecker's a little over-stretched. should we be helping?

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I'm not sure we should be, really.

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We have to ask ourselves what will we achieve by helping a rather pompous big-head who, if this goes well,

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will pop up every year offering his confounded shield and disrupting the smooth running of the school.

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Bad day?

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Again?

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Why don't you come and watch William in his play? It might cheer you up.

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-Would you like to read me your latest poem?

-No.

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There might be some girls there tonight.

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All right, I'll come.

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Round the rock the rugged rascal ran. Round the rock the rugged...

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LAUGHTER

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Good.

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Where is William Brown?

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'William had inadvertently set fire to the Outlaws' Den,

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'which made him even later than he'd intended.

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'It could have happened to anyone.'

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Good evening, Headmaster.

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Sit down, Robert.

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Everyone here is either under 12 or over 35.

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Well, you can concentrate on the Shakespeare, dear.

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Good old Shakespeare.

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Never less than thought-provoking.

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Do nudge me if I nod off.

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Where on earth have you been?!

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-Oh, am I a bit late?

-Quickly, get this on!

0:23:190:23:22

Dalrymple, help him with his trousers.

0:23:220:23:24

Hat, Douglas. Come on, quickly.

0:23:240:23:27

Out, come on, quickly, quickly.

0:23:270:23:29

APPLAUSE

0:23:290:23:32

Good evening, everyone. Thank you for coming.

0:23:320:23:35

I'm sure there are other things you could be doing.

0:23:350:23:39

So tonight, what a joy, sees the awarding of the Wellbecker Shield for Shakespearian acting.

0:23:390:23:46

I hope you can read that.

0:23:480:23:50

To start the proceedings, Mr Attwater's class, who rarely disappoint.

0:23:510:23:57

Act Three, Scene One

0:23:570:24:01

from Hamlet.

0:24:010:24:03

You. Go on first and stand by the throne, as I told you.

0:24:040:24:08

The others will follow you on. Quickly! Come on.

0:24:080:24:10

'William had never been hugely good at obeying orders

0:24:100:24:14

'and, now, faced with the girl he wanted to impress,

0:24:140:24:16

'and a captive audience, he couldn't help himself.'

0:24:160:24:20

To be or not to be,

0:24:220:24:23

that is the question.

0:24:230:24:25

-Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer, you know, slings and arrows...

-Stop!

0:24:250:24:30

Or to take arms in a sea of bubbles.

0:24:300:24:33

-Get off!

-And, by opposing, end there, dying to sleep.

0:24:330:24:37

The heartache and national shock of the fleshy hair-do.

0:24:370:24:41

To dine two sheep. Two sheep. Purchase a dream!

0:24:410:24:44

Brown!

0:24:440:24:45

Aye, here's the rub! A-har!

0:24:450:24:48

The undiscovered country from whose bum no traveller ever returns.

0:24:480:24:53

-Lower the curtain!

-There isn't a curtain.

-There isn't a curtain.

0:24:530:24:56

More! He's breaking down the fourth wall.

0:24:560:24:58

So, to be or not to be, as I think I've already mentioned...

0:24:580:25:02

It's terribly innovative.

0:25:020:25:03

Sorry. Left the gas on at home.

0:25:030:25:05

For in that sheep of death what dreams may come

0:25:070:25:10

when we have shuffled off this immortal doily, that is so soft.

0:25:100:25:15

-Fair Dorinda.

-Thank you.

0:25:170:25:21

This is an outrage!

0:25:210:25:22

I wouldn't dream of presenting my shield to a school of this kind.

0:25:220:25:27

Judas! I shall be having words with the school governors...

0:25:270:25:31

angry words!

0:25:310:25:33

-Er, should I carry on?

-No.

0:25:360:25:39

Well, I may have muddled up one or two words,

0:25:420:25:45

but I think it went pretty well.

0:25:450:25:48

-Shame we didn't see Douglas being the Queen.

-Yeah!

0:25:480:25:52

Let's go to the den.

0:25:520:25:54

-Yeah.

-No, I'm sick of that den.

0:25:540:25:57

Let's build another one, a long way away.

0:25:570:26:00

-Got to rush.

-Night.

0:26:030:26:05

Hello, Dorinda.

0:26:120:26:15

William, you were wonderful.

0:26:150:26:17

-Thank you very much.

-Why didn't you say it was the funniest ever comedy?

0:26:170:26:21

Yes, I should've mentioned that.

0:26:210:26:23

Oh, and there's marvellous news.

0:26:230:26:25

We're only moving across the village.

0:26:250:26:28

But I've got a going away present for you anyway.

0:26:280:26:31

The dead frog. That's the nicest present anyone's ever got for me.

0:26:410:26:46

I've stuffed it, but not very well.

0:26:460:26:49

-Thank you.

-Bye.

0:26:520:26:53

Bye.

0:26:530:26:55

'Although William now had more time for girls, if they were the kind of

0:26:550:26:59

'girl who'd have a go at stuffing a frog,

0:26:590:27:02

'the long, glorious summer stretched ahead

0:27:020:27:05

'and William planned to spend it with his friends, the Outlaws.

0:27:050:27:10

'And, as far as possible, to avoid his family.'

0:27:100:27:13

Joyce, it's Robert.

0:27:170:27:19

We just met at the play.

0:27:190:27:22

DIALLING TONE Joyce?

0:27:220:27:23

HANGS PHONE UP

0:27:230:27:24

Evening.

0:27:270:27:29

What have I done wrong?

0:27:340:27:38

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:450:27:47

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0:27:470:27:49

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