Hitched Leonardo

..that I,

Lorenzo Ferdinando Romulus Tarquinius di Romero de Medici,

do take thee,

Angelica Visconti,

to be my lawful wedded wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Yeah, this is just a rehearsal,

so, um, we can leave that until the actual ceremony.

TERESA SIGHS

Look at you.

Just look at the pair of you!

Oh, my little bambino.

Mama...

Marriage suits you, Lorenzo. You look...taller.

I'm standing on a box.

And you, Angelica...

Bellissima!

I could not ask for a better bride for my son.

You're too kind, Signora Medici.

Please, you must call me Mama.

Yes. Of course...

..Mama.

Such a shame your own mother is dead and won't see your wedding.

Yes.

But I'll be the mother you've never known,

cherish you as my own flesh and blood.

I can't wait(!)

I'd sympathise about how difficult this must be for you...

if only I could stop thinking how awful it is for me.

-You're not going to believe this.

-Throw me a melon.

-What?

-A melon - from the pile.

Why do you want...

A melon? I need to test the flintlock.

What's that?

-Ooh.

-There! Sparks the priming compound and ignites the propellant.

What?

The sparks cause a small explosion that fires the missile forward,

the missile in this case being a melon.

I'd get out the way if I were you.

Oh! Sorry, Cosi.

Um, what won't I believe?

Oh, er, Lorenzo and Angelica

had to rehearse their wedding vows in the piazza.

So it's really going ahead?

Mm-hm.

Poor Lorenzo.

-Poor Angelica.

-Poor Mac.

Lorenzo won't be able to come here as much once he's married.

Everything's changing.

Angelica, happy news. Your father will be here tomorrow.

He's been slowed somewhat by the size of the dowry.

Your father's willing to pay a lot of gold for you to marry a Medici.

TOMASO: 'You're leaving?!'

I can't stay.

I can't see them married. I can't watch them spend

day after day together.

I can't bear it.

-You can't go.

-I have to.

But you live here. All your stuff's here, your work, your home,

your friends, us. We're here.

I know and...and I'm sorry.

Look, maybe I'll come back one day.

I've got no choice.

-What if we could get them out of the wedding?

-I've tried.

-They won't go against their parents' wishes.

-Who says we tell them?

We're doing a good thing.

Yes.

A noble thing.

Yes.

We're putting our own feelings aside for the good of our families.

Yes.

So...we'll get married and have lots of children

and everyone will be happy.

'Cept us.

Whoa, wait a minute.

Children? Who said anything about having children?

What did you expect? It's what married couples do.

-LEONARDO:

-'Does anyone think they'll go for it?

There's only one way to do it.

We need to present them with a better match for Lorenzo.

-HE LAUGHS

-Impossibile.

Angelica is perfection personified. There is no better match.

No, I know. Let me put it another way.

The Medicis chose Angelica because her family is rich and powerful.

What if there were someone...

much richer... and much more powerful?

MUSIC: "No-one Knows" by Queens Of The Stone Age

# We get some rules to follow

# That and this

# These and those

# No-one knows... #

Beautifully delicate gold leaf...

Exactly like the original.

Bene. Finished the portrait?

It's what I think a Princess would look like.

Fantastico!

The King of Naples!

Don't be ridiculous.

It IS the Royal Seal.

And the King's watermark.

What does it say?

He requests an audience with his trusted advisor, Old Ludovicio...

..who's in Florence...

on a matter of much secrecy and great delicacy.

How utterly thrilling.

The King's daughter, Princess Eleanor, has been jilted.

Her bridegroom has broken off the engagement

two days before the wedding.

How awful of him. What appalling behaviour!

Scandalous!

There must be a wedding or she'll be publicly humiliated.

The King would like you

to arrange a marriage to Duke Rocco instead.

Duke Rocco?

Indeed. He'll be an excellent match for Princess Eleanor.

Sadly, I must disappoint your Excellency.

Duke Rocco is already married.

Is he? I wasn't aware... Yes, of course. He got married secretly.

Whilst abroad... to a German countess.

Yes, Countess von...Pfunffunt.

Oh.

That's a shame. The King is offering a substantial dowry.

Gold, two palaces, crown jewels...

Oh...

There's always my son...Lorenzo.

Yes...

That could work.

He would be honoured to marry Princess Eleanor.

Eccellente. It is arranged, then.

The princess must come to the palace and be formally introduced.

No. That...won't be possible.

The groom must meet the bride before the wedding day.

She's staying in a convent, to keep our mission here a secret.

I understand.

Myself and Lorenzo will visit her there instead.

Yes. Of course.

I will send word of the exact time and place.

Did it work?

-Yes...

-Not surprised. Even I didn't recognise you in that make-up.

..and no.

What d'you mean?

Well, the good news is, they went for the idea.

The bad news?

Teresa wants to meet with Princess Eleanor.

But there is no Princess Eleanor.

I said she was hiding in a convent.

A convent? Why a convent? There'll be nuns all over the place.

And there is no Princess Eleanor.

It was the only thing I could think of.

I'll see what I can do.

Is anybody listening to me. There IS no Princess Eleanor!

Now, hold on, I've painted her with blonde hair and blue eyes.

I look nothing like her.

You are never going to believe this.

My wedding to Angelica is off.

The King of Naples sent some crusty advisor chap called Old Ludovic...

It was you!

TERESA: 'A royal wedding!'

Gold, jewels...and Naples.

A much more powerful city than Pisa.

And a royal wedding!

I'll tell Angelica to pack her bags.

No. Do nothing yet.

The Medicis can't be seen to break their promises.

We need to find a way out that doesn't damage our reputation.

Leave it with me.

-You weren't even going to tell me?!

-We thought you'd try and stop us.

Of course I'd try and stop you. It's insane.

Have you any idea what would happen to you...to me, if you were caught?

It was a risk we were prepared to take to help you.

Quiet! The only one you wanted to help was yourself...

-to my fiancee!

-What?

-Do you want us to stop?

-Of course I do.

OK. OK. We won't interfere.

Good!

And you can live happily ever after with Angelica.

Good.

And you can grow old together.

And have lots of babies together.

All right, all right. I'll do it.

Maybe it will even work.

I think I should let Angelica know about the plan as well.

That's...only fair.

I'll sneak you into the palace.

But if you're caught... I'm denying everything!

This was just delivered by some royal-looking messenger chap.

Lorenzo, tomorrow at eleven,

you and I are to go to the Santa Maria convent.

Really? Why?

To meet your new bride - Princess Eleanor of Naples.

A princess? I'm to marry a princess?

-But what about...?

-You must not tell Angelica, mio piccolo Prince.

For now, we behave as if the wedding is going ahead as planned.

So, I will go and give her some final motherly advice.

No! No, that's not a good idea!

Why not, pray?

Um, because she...is taking a nap.

Well, then I will wake her.

You've been crying.

No.

Something in your eye.

Yes.

Vieni.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-What if I said we can get you out of the wedding?

-What do you mean?

No-one will know, except us. Nobody will get hurt.

Lorenzo's agreed to it. So it's down to you.

All you have to do is say the word.

KNOCK AT DOOR

TERESA: Angelica?

You look a dreadful mess.

-Yes, I...

-Tidy yourself up before your father arrives.

We Medicis rub shoulders with royalty.

We don't want anyone...

letting us down.

Fit for a queen!

Get me out of this wedding.

Get me away from this family.

Will you run away with me?

Yes!

Yes.

Signor Visconti!

Good Lord, what's happened?

I've been robbed. Set upon outside the city walls.

Santa Maria! Are you injured?

It's just a scratch.

There were so many of them, we never stood a chance.

Com'e terribile!

The dowry... They took the gold.

I tried to stop them but...

You must rest. My servants will show you to your room.

Grazie.

No dowry means the wedding's off.

Now there's a fortunate coincidence.

So, the Bishop says to me, "Arturo, Arturo,

"there's a rat infestation in the convent

"and you're the one to sort it out."

The Bishop hasn't informed us.

Oh, he's a very sensitive man. He wouldn't want you panic you.

We haven't seen any rats.

Ah, classic rat behaviour!

Very clever is the common rat or "Rattus rattus"

as they're called by us experts.

They're hiders.

They lurk, hiding, waiting to bite you when you sleep. Yeah!

As I said, we haven't seen any.

-Ah! Found these two already.

-Oh!

Which means there are hundreds more.

Yes, yes. Well, do what you need to do.

Excellent. I'll smoke 'em out and cage 'em.

You and the other nuns go to the top of the bell tower and wait.

Do not, under any circumstances, come out until I tell you.

Got it?

Do you think she'll see my eyes are brown?

What if she notices?

Keep calm, act regal. And...blame the artist.

OK, we're good to go.

-Not yet. You forgot one thing.

-Don't think so. All angles covered, mate.

We need someone to show in Teresa and Lorenzo from the convent gate,

and, thanks to you, all the nuns are in the bell tower.

That's about your size.

No way. Never. Not in a million years.

Your Royal Highness.

Incantata.

Felipe... Feeling better?

A little, grazie.

Bene. A terrible incident... for all.

I, too, am now in a very difficult position.

In what way?

Without a dowry, the wedding cannot go ahead.

Scusi?

You are failing to honour your side of the bargain.

And, as a banker, honour is everything to me.

Surely you must see that.

But the gold was stolen.

Not my problem.

Marriage is a financial transaction, like any other,

so unless you can produce another dowry...

I'll never be able to raise that much gold again!

What a pity.

But there are other offers on the table for my son.

What about my daughter?

The one without the dowry?

Yes, it is inconvenient, but a new bride must be found for Lorenzo.

You think you can find someone to replace my Angelica?

Yes. Yes I do.

Please feel free to return to Pisa as soon as possible.

What should we do with the stolen dowry, Excellency?

-The father's gold?

-Yes.

-Put it in the bank.

Your eyes, Princess.

The painter did not do them justice.

Blonde hair and brown eyes - a striking combination.

Indeed.

It is such an honour

that the King of Naples wishes to join our families in holy matrimony.

Indeed. I'm sure it is.

I have many friends in Naples.

Tell me, is the Countess of Aragona still at court?

A princess has no interest in those of an inferior rank.

Your Highness, how foolish of me! Please forgive me.

You are forgiven.

Princess Eleanor will make an agreeable and loving wife.

And Lorenzo a doting husband!

Your Highness, my son saw your portrait and instantly fell in love.

Mama, please, come on!

He's such a romantic. He can't wait to woo you.

Lorenzo, begin!

-Here?

-Where else? Come on, presto, presto!

Woo.

HE CLEARS THROAT

Um...

..Princess, your face...

is very...

very impressive.

And you have...

blonde hair.

Thank you, Signor Medici.

Um, your eyes...

are very nicely spaced -

not too far apart, not too close together.

Thank you, Signor Medici.

And now...to seal the deal...

-A kiss!

-Splendid idea!

MUSIC: "White Wedding" by Billy Idol

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Entri.

We did it.

Si.

I bet for anybody other than me,

you'd be quite nice to be married to.

That's nearly a compliment.

-Well, if you're going to be like that...

-I'm joking.

Oh.

Here, vieni qui.

I let you down.

No. No, you haven't, Papa.

I didn't want to marry Lorenzo.

Why didn't you say?

I thought you wanted me to.

Of course, I want you to marry into a good family.

But I also want you to be happy.

Oh, Papa.

I'll raise another dowry.

It won't be as much, but we'll find you a good match.

Where is she?

Brides are supposed to be late.

It's tradition.

Where's your bags?

Mac...

No... No, no. Don't say it.

I can't leave Papa.

I can't bring more shame on him.

-I can't do it.

-This isn't you talking.

It is.

Please say you understand.

SHE GASPS

She's had a better offer! The Prince of Naples!

There will be no royal wedding!

What appalling behaviour! Scandalous!

How dare they treat us like this!

Does this mean that I don't have a bride?

Good news, good news!

We've recovered your gold.

The marriage between our families is back on.

I don't think so.

But your daughter has her dowry, and we'd be delighted to proceed.

Well, I wouldn't.

My daughter doesn't want to marry your son.

Yes!

THEY LAUGH

My favourite bit was seeing Mac dressed as a nun.

THEY LAUGH

That reminds me, what did the nuns say

when you told them that they could come down from the bell tower?

The nuns...

Oh, no...

-THEY LAUGH

-Oh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd