Forever Young M.I. High


Forever Young

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THEY START TO GIBBER AND SING

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# Ring-a-ring-a-roses

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# A pocketful of posies

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# A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down. #

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MANIACAL LAUGHTER

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The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

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The old-school spies have had their day. MI9 needs new agents...

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..hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

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Welcome to MI High.

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B+. Your lowest mark ever.

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-Don't you want to get on in life?

-Course I do.

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It's no good, Rose. I've decided to put you into another school.

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I don't want to leave St Hope's.

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-You told me you had no friends here.

-That was before.

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You're too good for this place.

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-Monsignor's Academy?

-It's expensive, but it'll be worth every penny.

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I'm seeing your headmaster at 1pm.

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I'll be discussing your transfer to Monsignor's.

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Oooh, Daisy's got an invite!

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Yeah, to the youth club under-12's disco! Wish we could come(!)

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But...I don't really look 12, do I?

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Do I?

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Well, GM, it seems my new product was successful.

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Yes, Britain's scientists have been reduced to giggling toddlers

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and we can move on to target B.

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Is the next batch ready?

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Just as soon as I have your payment in my account, GM.

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Now the next stage of our plan should prove...

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child's play!

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SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

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INEXPERT BEATBOXING >

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"Yeah, you, chix, big up respect Cos I has got the biggest pecs."

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"If you don't think I'm class, then..."

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Er...

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"..you need specs."

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Nice. Metal coinage is so in this summer(!)

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-It is?

-Mmm, yeah.

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-It must be designer, right?

-No, I done it myself.

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Really? Wow! You have to market this stuff.

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-Well, my nan does work at the market.

-Hmm...

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-Welcome, team. NOSE is in trouble.

-We're gonna get a nose job?

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NOSE is the National Organisation for Scientific Experimentation.

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I'd love to work there one day.

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NOSE HQ. These are some of the country's top scientists.

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It seems their mental ages have been reduced to that of three-year-olds.

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Vital scientific developments have ground to a halt

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while our top minds play ring-a-ring-a-roses.

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Find out what happened and who was behind it.

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-Some gadgets might help.

-Not on this mission.

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But I do have something for each of you.

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Daisy. The footage you've just been watching. Check it for clues.

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Rose, you have the entire contents of the NOSE HQ to analyse.

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-What? Everything?

-I thought you'd be thrilled.

-I am.

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Sure. Only... Nothing.

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Whatever affected them could've been in that lab. We need an antidote.

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-On it.

-Blane, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

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It's your responsibility to look after them.

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I'm going to be a bodyguard. This is so cool!

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Meet Dr Simon Grabworst, chief scientist at NOSE.

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-HE SNIGGERS

-Poo-poo.

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Are you joking? I'm a ninja, not a baby-sitter.

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-See if you can get any clues out of him.

-I know nothing about kids!

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One tip - never let them out of your sight.

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-Hey! Where'd he go?

-RUSTLING

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Fifty Pence, you are the man.

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That Daisy is going...

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-crazy for your bling.

-Nice earring, macho man(!)

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Yeah. Mind you don't get ear droop.

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-"Ear droop"?

-You've gotta watch that heavy jewellery.

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THEY LAUGH

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Mr Gupta is a most important parent. His daughter actually passes exams.

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I've no idea why he's coming, but everything needs to look its best!

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That's one o'clock, meet Mr Gupta.

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Everything will be ship-shape, Mr F, no problem.

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Er...I'll get that fixed right away.

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Yes, and the paper-clips need tidying,

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and the chipped mugs need replacing,

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and don't forget the blocked drain in the yard.

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You've got to step up to the mark, Bicknall.

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No problem, Mr F. That's what I'm here for, innit?

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Oh, Bicknall!

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Maybe it's some kind of hysteria, like the January sales in Topgirl.

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The scientific name is group behavioural psychosis.

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I hate science. Maybe if it could make you look older...

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Older? Who'd want to be older?

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Who doesn't?

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Let me think. People who don't get invited to any REAL parties.

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-Not all boys worry about how you look.

-Oh, no, course not.

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Everyone loves a girl in a lab coat and goofy glasses.

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-I might be wearing them somewhere else soon.

-What are you doing?

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When I said, "Do some drawing," I didn't mean on the walls!

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This stupid kid's not gonna be any help at all!

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HE WAILS

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How's the Formula 66 doing?

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Tchk, tchk, tchk. Always so impatient, GM.

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Don't stress. Your precious formula will be ready in a few hours.

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Our target this time is the media.

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With no-one to report on our activities,

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SKUL will be totally free to pursue our evil agenda.

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I will call you as soon as I have received my next payment.

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-Wow!

-Applying for a transfer?

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Monsignor's? Who'd want to go there?

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Frumpy uniforms, exams every day, no-one interesting like us around.

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-You can't leave. You're one of the team.

-In your own funny way.

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Well, it's not definite.

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Not until this afternoon, anyway, when my dad comes in.

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-We'll have to make him see what a great school St Hope's is.

-Burp!

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OK, I admit that won't be so easy.

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BLEEPING

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-Bicknall.

-'Ah, Leonard.'

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-Yes, ma'am.

-'What's happening about NOSE?

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'We need results fast.'

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Don't worry, Operation Nostril is under way.

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Operation? What operation?

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Er...my hip, sir.

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-Booked in next week.

-Oh.

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Oops!

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-Sorry, guv.

-Thank you, Bicknall(!)

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I can't find anything!

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It's like looking for a DNA helix in a gene pool!

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I want you to try and tell me what happened to you in the laboratory.

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Do any of these pictures remind you of anything?

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-Awter!

-"Ought to" what?

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Awter!

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-You mean water?

-Yeah.

-Rose, was there any water at the NOSE lab?

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Of course, there's a water cooler.

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Good boy. Who's a good boy?

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I can't believe I missed checking it.

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That's more like it! The molecular structure looks weird.

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It must have been altered to produce a regressive response.

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-Huh?

-Regression - makes you act how you were as a kid.

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That's what the water's doing. If anyone drank this, they...

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-RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

-My water sample!

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Stop! That water's dangerous!

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Stop! Don't be frightened. Just put the cup down.

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Custard's off! It's lumpy and horrible!

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What are you doing?

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Mrs Oliver's food is tasty and nutritious.

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She's sweated over these meals.

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Just because you don't like school dinners, that's no reason

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-to stop others enjoying them. Now, out you go!

-But...

-Uh-uh.

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No buts. Outside, now. Go.

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-Sorry about that, Kylie...

-Maybe whatever's in the water

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won't work in custard.

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It works in custard.

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Oh, no! My dad! He's going to freak out.

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-I'm dead.

-You tell me, how could anyone work in such an atmosphere?

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Mr Gupta?

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Steve Squires, school governor. Delighted to meet you.

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It'll be my pleasure to show you round. Shall we?

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I'm taking my daughter out of this school.

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I hope this tour changes your preconceptions about St Hope's.

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WHOOPING

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Our charity bounce-a-thon has raised thousands.

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You didn't think we'd let you go that easily, did you?

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-The oxygen levels in that NOSE water were way too high.

-Oxygen?

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Yes, the saturated dissolved O2 concentrations were off the scale.

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My mum was at this beauty parlour and the woman there was obsessed

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with oxygen keeping you young.

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They even had their own brand of oxygen masks.

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We've won a vast array of silverware.

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-Leapfrog, tiddlywinks...

-Can't do shoe!

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Can that boy really not do up his own shoelaces?

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He's in year nine.

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Meet young Julian Hamlin,

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our Drama Society's finest actor.

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He's rehearsing for his role as the fool in King Lear.

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We're beating off Hollywood agents with a stick,

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but theatre remains his first love.

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-Was this the place?

-Yeah. Shangri-La.

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-A kingdom where people were said to live for ever.

-Worth checking out?

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Yes. If we can find the formula of that water, I can make an antidote.

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We've got two hours before school ends and 1,000 toddlers hit town!

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I have the perfect legend.

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How does Milan Radisson, spoiled heiress and party girl sound?

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So, this is a disguise, is it?

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It's a tough job but someone has to do it.

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Take these retractable bionic earrings.

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-They can pick up a conversation through two feet of concrete.

-Cute!

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I mean, they'll be really useful.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Can I help?

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AMERICAN: Milan Radisson. Daddy's in property. I love your aura.

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What can we do for you, Miss Radisson?

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-Well...uh, I have this line on my forehead when I frown.

-Oh, yes.

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-I can see it.

-Yeah. So I want to, like, take action.

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-Prevention is so much better than a cure, right?

-How true.

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You're never too young to combat the ravages of time, my dear.

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Slip your cloak off and make yourself comfortable.

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But don't touch anything!

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I have something I have to attend to first.

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-YELLING

-Now, our art...

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Not for us, tired old still lifes and weary portraiture.

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Conceptualism. Bold abstracts.

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That's today's art world,

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and our kids are leading the way.

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DOOR OPENS

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What are you doing?

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Just trying to find the right yogic position, darling.

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I like your thinking.

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Now...

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..how about a nice walnut, kumquat and builder's sand face mask?

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Perfect for opening those little pores.

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So, like, how long have you been in the beauty biz?

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Oh, I've always been into looking good.

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I won my first pageant aged six.

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Miss Baby Curls, Colwyn Bay.

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Then it was fashion shoots, parties, my own perfume range.

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And then, aged 21, on the scrapheap, can you imagine?

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But...you still look...fabulous.

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I know,

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but people didn't see it.

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Still, I've proved them wrong.

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I've made looking young my life's work.

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I hope Daisy's got that formula.

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Because without it, I'm getting nowhere.

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I'll see how she's doing.

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Turning back the tides of time is what Shangri-La is all about.

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I have lotions and potions that will nip those crow's feet in the bud.

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Actually, I have a revolutionary new product

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that might be just what you need.

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Back in a mo.

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Right, time to tune in and see what old Botox Face is really up to.

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-Bossy!

-This is my room!

-Shut up!

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Waaaaah!

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Anger management.

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A healthy exchange of views... and food, really clears the air.

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-I think I've seen enough!

-No, wait!

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I've been saving the best till last.

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There's something I really must show you.

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-MAN:

-'Two bags of chips and one sausage sandwich, darlin'.'

-Nope.

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Too far away. Must be that greasy spoon across the road.

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-That's better.

-'Once media figures all over the UK are behaving

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'like they're in nursery, we'll regress the police and judges.

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'Goodbye, law and order!'

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-'You are a naughty man, GM.'

-GM?

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The Grand Master?

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BEEPING

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Rose, there's someone coming!

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Dad! What are you doing here?

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As you can see, our new science and technology lab is state of the art.

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Amazing! I can't believe Rose never mentioned any of this.

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Such fantastic computers! What is my Rose up to over there?

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Um, since an advanced particle physics tutorial is in progress,

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-we really should...

-Of course. Let the work continue.

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Monsignor's could never match this.

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Mr Squires, thank you for helping me reach a most important decision.

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I'm really looking forward to going in that space-age lift again!

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'Thanks to SKUL's funding, I can continue

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'my quest for eternal beauty.

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'Goodbye, my hunky nectarine.'

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Try this. It's our latest product, Formula 66.

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Oh, my favourite colour. What's in it?

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Just water, with a few extras.

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But people are finding it takes years off them.

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-How's that?

-Mmm.

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Who are you? Where's my mom? You're not pretty like my mom.

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And you won't be pretty either,

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when I'm finished with you, whoever you are.

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CAR STARTS

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Bang! Bang, bang, bang!

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So...who are you, Miss Radisson?

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And who do you work for?

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Right! Liposuction.

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A Shangri-La speciality.

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Maybe this will loosen your tongue!

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-Impossible!

-Not if you know the ancient

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Chinese art of self-dislocation, and you're not some creaky OAP!

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How dare you?!

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What do you know about OAPs?

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-You look about ten!

-13, actually! Anyway, looks aren't everything.

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You can only look young once.

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I need to know the exact formula that you used.

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-Or what?

-Or...

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you get an all-over orange tan.

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But that's against the Geneva Convention!

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-What are you doing?

-My orders are to destroy all supplies of this stuff.

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But without SKUL's funding, how will I pay for my beauty treatment?

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What will happen? How will I stay young?

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-Young? You must be at least 60!

-How did you guess?

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I have the face and body of a 25-year-old Californian!

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-I'm afraid not. Take a look.

-You can't buy bone structure like that.

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Well, you can, but...

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Take a good, hard look.

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SHE GASPS

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All those years of surgery,

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-implants, chemical peels, and anti-ageing formulae...

-Wasted.

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You can't fight nature.

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-That was me, once.

-Wow, you were hot!

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I was an icon, world-famous!

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But who would want to photograph me now?

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You can still be the same person on the inside.

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You're right.

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The world only ever saw my image, never the real me.

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The Grand Master fed on my vanity.

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They all did.

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What a fool I've been!

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So, you'll give us the formula?

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Rose, great news!

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School ends in ten minutes and everyone's still three years old!

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I'm going as fast as I can!

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I've inverted the formula, but I'm missing the catalyst.

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I can't work it out.

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-His drawings have improved. Looks like an H, C...

-And a nice big L.

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HCL.

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Hydrogen chloride.

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Dr Grabworst's been trying to tell us something all along!

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These numbers are the last part of the antidote!

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Vanessa's original formula, combined with my inversion of it,

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plus the catalyst agent known only to Dr Grabworst equals...

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the antidote! Now we need a quick way of getting it to everyone.

0:25:010:25:06

How about the ventilation system?

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-Perfect. You're an expert in hot air.

-It'll be dangerous.

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We don't have any choice.

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What are his chances?

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Of placing the antidote and returning in three minutes?

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At a guess, 9.356% recurring.

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We're out of time!

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BELL RINGS

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W...What am I doing?

0:26:210:26:23

Right.

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Everyone, home time, please.

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-GIGGLING

-Nice handbag!

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This ain't no Fifty Pence piece.

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-I'd get heat on the street.

-Mind you don't smudge your lippy.

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Well, the head of MI9 is delighted. The antidote is being distributed

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and soon, our finest scientific minds will be back to normal. And...

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-AS "SQUIRES":

-Am I right in thinking we've all learned something today?

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Old people are desperate to be young. It's really quite flattering.

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I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this,

0:27:080:27:12

but I can't think what it is.

0:27:120:27:15

Ah, Rose Gupta, you're clearly a very clever young lady.

0:27:150:27:20

If you want a job once you've completed your studies,

0:27:200:27:24

then give me a call.

0:27:240:27:26

And Blane,

0:27:260:27:29

if ever I need a baby-sitter, I know where to come.

0:27:290:27:34

Thanks, but my baby-sitting days are over.

0:27:340:27:37

BLEEP Ugh! Where's my beautiful Vanessa?

0:27:420:27:46

-I am Vanessa.

-You? But you look like my granny!

0:27:460:27:51

What happened to your "beauty regime"?

0:27:510:27:54

-I'm over all that, bunny boy.

-And what about General Flopsy?

0:27:540:27:58

He drank a sample of your formula, and now he isn't even house trained.

0:27:580:28:04

Oh, General!

0:28:040:28:07

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