Forever Young M.I. High

THEY START TO GIBBER AND SING

# Ring-a-ring-a-roses

# A pocketful of posies

# A-tishoo! A-tishoo! We all fall down. #

MANIACAL LAUGHTER

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

The old-school spies have had their day. MI9 needs new agents...

..hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

Welcome to MI High.

B+. Your lowest mark ever.

-Don't you want to get on in life?

-Course I do.

It's no good, Rose. I've decided to put you into another school.

I don't want to leave St Hope's.

-You told me you had no friends here.

-That was before.

You're too good for this place.

-Monsignor's Academy?

-It's expensive, but it'll be worth every penny.

I'm seeing your headmaster at 1pm.

I'll be discussing your transfer to Monsignor's.

Oooh, Daisy's got an invite!

Yeah, to the youth club under-12's disco! Wish we could come(!)

But...I don't really look 12, do I?

Do I?

Well, GM, it seems my new product was successful.

Yes, Britain's scientists have been reduced to giggling toddlers

and we can move on to target B.

Is the next batch ready?

Just as soon as I have your payment in my account, GM.

Now the next stage of our plan should prove...

child's play!

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

INEXPERT BEATBOXING >

"Yeah, you, chix, big up respect Cos I has got the biggest pecs."

"If you don't think I'm class, then..."

Er...

"..you need specs."

Nice. Metal coinage is so in this summer(!)

-It is?

-Mmm, yeah.

-It must be designer, right?

-No, I done it myself.

Really? Wow! You have to market this stuff.

-Well, my nan does work at the market.

-Hmm...

-Welcome, team. NOSE is in trouble.

-We're gonna get a nose job?

NOSE is the National Organisation for Scientific Experimentation.

I'd love to work there one day.

NOSE HQ. These are some of the country's top scientists.

It seems their mental ages have been reduced to that of three-year-olds.

Vital scientific developments have ground to a halt

while our top minds play ring-a-ring-a-roses.

Find out what happened and who was behind it.

-Some gadgets might help.

-Not on this mission.

But I do have something for each of you.

Daisy. The footage you've just been watching. Check it for clues.

Rose, you have the entire contents of the NOSE HQ to analyse.

-What? Everything?

-I thought you'd be thrilled.

-I am.

Sure. Only... Nothing.

Whatever affected them could've been in that lab. We need an antidote.

-On it.

-Blane, there's someone I'd like you to meet.

It's your responsibility to look after them.

I'm going to be a bodyguard. This is so cool!

Meet Dr Simon Grabworst, chief scientist at NOSE.

-HE SNIGGERS

-Poo-poo.

Are you joking? I'm a ninja, not a baby-sitter.

-See if you can get any clues out of him.

-I know nothing about kids!

One tip - never let them out of your sight.

-Hey! Where'd he go?

-RUSTLING

Fifty Pence, you are the man.

That Daisy is going...

-crazy for your bling.

-Nice earring, macho man(!)

Yeah. Mind you don't get ear droop.

-"Ear droop"?

-You've gotta watch that heavy jewellery.

THEY LAUGH

Mr Gupta is a most important parent. His daughter actually passes exams.

I've no idea why he's coming, but everything needs to look its best!

That's one o'clock, meet Mr Gupta.

Everything will be ship-shape, Mr F, no problem.

Er...I'll get that fixed right away.

Yes, and the paper-clips need tidying,

and the chipped mugs need replacing,

and don't forget the blocked drain in the yard.

You've got to step up to the mark, Bicknall.

No problem, Mr F. That's what I'm here for, innit?

Oh, Bicknall!

Maybe it's some kind of hysteria, like the January sales in Topgirl.

The scientific name is group behavioural psychosis.

I hate science. Maybe if it could make you look older...

Older? Who'd want to be older?

Who doesn't?

Let me think. People who don't get invited to any REAL parties.

-Not all boys worry about how you look.

-Oh, no, course not.

Everyone loves a girl in a lab coat and goofy glasses.

-I might be wearing them somewhere else soon.

-What are you doing?

When I said, "Do some drawing," I didn't mean on the walls!

This stupid kid's not gonna be any help at all!

HE WAILS

How's the Formula 66 doing?

Tchk, tchk, tchk. Always so impatient, GM.

Don't stress. Your precious formula will be ready in a few hours.

Our target this time is the media.

With no-one to report on our activities,

SKUL will be totally free to pursue our evil agenda.

I will call you as soon as I have received my next payment.

-Wow!

-Applying for a transfer?

Monsignor's? Who'd want to go there?

Frumpy uniforms, exams every day, no-one interesting like us around.

-You can't leave. You're one of the team.

-In your own funny way.

Well, it's not definite.

Not until this afternoon, anyway, when my dad comes in.

-We'll have to make him see what a great school St Hope's is.

-Burp!

OK, I admit that won't be so easy.

BLEEPING

-Bicknall.

-'Ah, Leonard.'

-Yes, ma'am.

-'What's happening about NOSE?

'We need results fast.'

Don't worry, Operation Nostril is under way.

Operation? What operation?

Er...my hip, sir.

-Booked in next week.

-Oh.

Oops!

-Sorry, guv.

-Thank you, Bicknall(!)

I can't find anything!

It's like looking for a DNA helix in a gene pool!

I want you to try and tell me what happened to you in the laboratory.

Do any of these pictures remind you of anything?

-Awter!

-"Ought to" what?

Awter!

-You mean water?

-Yeah.

-Rose, was there any water at the NOSE lab?

Of course, there's a water cooler.

Good boy. Who's a good boy?

I can't believe I missed checking it.

That's more like it! The molecular structure looks weird.

It must have been altered to produce a regressive response.

-Huh?

-Regression - makes you act how you were as a kid.

That's what the water's doing. If anyone drank this, they...

-RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

-My water sample!

Stop! That water's dangerous!

Stop! Don't be frightened. Just put the cup down.

Custard's off! It's lumpy and horrible!

What are you doing?

Mrs Oliver's food is tasty and nutritious.

She's sweated over these meals.

Just because you don't like school dinners, that's no reason

-to stop others enjoying them. Now, out you go!

-But...

-Uh-uh.

No buts. Outside, now. Go.

-Sorry about that, Kylie...

-Maybe whatever's in the water

won't work in custard.

It works in custard.

Oh, no! My dad! He's going to freak out.

-I'm dead.

-You tell me, how could anyone work in such an atmosphere?

Mr Gupta?

Steve Squires, school governor. Delighted to meet you.

It'll be my pleasure to show you round. Shall we?

I'm taking my daughter out of this school.

I hope this tour changes your preconceptions about St Hope's.

WHOOPING

Our charity bounce-a-thon has raised thousands.

You didn't think we'd let you go that easily, did you?

-The oxygen levels in that NOSE water were way too high.

-Oxygen?

Yes, the saturated dissolved O2 concentrations were off the scale.

My mum was at this beauty parlour and the woman there was obsessed

with oxygen keeping you young.

They even had their own brand of oxygen masks.

We've won a vast array of silverware.

-Leapfrog, tiddlywinks...

-Can't do shoe!

Can that boy really not do up his own shoelaces?

He's in year nine.

Meet young Julian Hamlin,

our Drama Society's finest actor.

He's rehearsing for his role as the fool in King Lear.

We're beating off Hollywood agents with a stick,

but theatre remains his first love.

-Was this the place?

-Yeah. Shangri-La.

-A kingdom where people were said to live for ever.

-Worth checking out?

Yes. If we can find the formula of that water, I can make an antidote.

We've got two hours before school ends and 1,000 toddlers hit town!

I have the perfect legend.

How does Milan Radisson, spoiled heiress and party girl sound?

So, this is a disguise, is it?

It's a tough job but someone has to do it.

Take these retractable bionic earrings.

-They can pick up a conversation through two feet of concrete.

-Cute!

I mean, they'll be really useful.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Can I help?

AMERICAN: Milan Radisson. Daddy's in property. I love your aura.

What can we do for you, Miss Radisson?

-Well...uh, I have this line on my forehead when I frown.

-Oh, yes.

-I can see it.

-Yeah. So I want to, like, take action.

-Prevention is so much better than a cure, right?

-How true.

You're never too young to combat the ravages of time, my dear.

Slip your cloak off and make yourself comfortable.

But don't touch anything!

I have something I have to attend to first.

-YELLING

-Now, our art...

Not for us, tired old still lifes and weary portraiture.

Conceptualism. Bold abstracts.

That's today's art world,

and our kids are leading the way.

DOOR OPENS

What are you doing?

Just trying to find the right yogic position, darling.

I like your thinking.

Now...

..how about a nice walnut, kumquat and builder's sand face mask?

Perfect for opening those little pores.

So, like, how long have you been in the beauty biz?

Oh, I've always been into looking good.

I won my first pageant aged six.

Miss Baby Curls, Colwyn Bay.

Then it was fashion shoots, parties, my own perfume range.

And then, aged 21, on the scrapheap, can you imagine?

But...you still look...fabulous.

I know,

but people didn't see it.

Still, I've proved them wrong.

I've made looking young my life's work.

I hope Daisy's got that formula.

Because without it, I'm getting nowhere.

I'll see how she's doing.

Turning back the tides of time is what Shangri-La is all about.

I have lotions and potions that will nip those crow's feet in the bud.

Actually, I have a revolutionary new product

that might be just what you need.

Back in a mo.

Right, time to tune in and see what old Botox Face is really up to.

-Bossy!

-This is my room!

-Shut up!

Waaaaah!

Anger management.

A healthy exchange of views... and food, really clears the air.

-I think I've seen enough!

-No, wait!

I've been saving the best till last.

There's something I really must show you.

-MAN:

-'Two bags of chips and one sausage sandwich, darlin'.'

-Nope.

Too far away. Must be that greasy spoon across the road.

-That's better.

-'Once media figures all over the UK are behaving

'like they're in nursery, we'll regress the police and judges.

'Goodbye, law and order!'

-'You are a naughty man, GM.'

-GM?

The Grand Master?

BEEPING

Rose, there's someone coming!

Dad! What are you doing here?

As you can see, our new science and technology lab is state of the art.

Amazing! I can't believe Rose never mentioned any of this.

Such fantastic computers! What is my Rose up to over there?

Um, since an advanced particle physics tutorial is in progress,

-we really should...

-Of course. Let the work continue.

Monsignor's could never match this.

Mr Squires, thank you for helping me reach a most important decision.

I'm really looking forward to going in that space-age lift again!

'Thanks to SKUL's funding, I can continue

'my quest for eternal beauty.

'Goodbye, my hunky nectarine.'

Try this. It's our latest product, Formula 66.

Oh, my favourite colour. What's in it?

Just water, with a few extras.

But people are finding it takes years off them.

-How's that?

-Mmm.

Who are you? Where's my mom? You're not pretty like my mom.

And you won't be pretty either,

when I'm finished with you, whoever you are.

CAR STARTS

Bang! Bang, bang, bang!

So...who are you, Miss Radisson?

And who do you work for?

Right! Liposuction.

A Shangri-La speciality.

Maybe this will loosen your tongue!

-Impossible!

-Not if you know the ancient

Chinese art of self-dislocation, and you're not some creaky OAP!

How dare you?!

What do you know about OAPs?

-You look about ten!

-13, actually! Anyway, looks aren't everything.

You can only look young once.

I need to know the exact formula that you used.

-Or what?

-Or...

you get an all-over orange tan.

But that's against the Geneva Convention!

-What are you doing?

-My orders are to destroy all supplies of this stuff.

But without SKUL's funding, how will I pay for my beauty treatment?

What will happen? How will I stay young?

-Young? You must be at least 60!

-How did you guess?

I have the face and body of a 25-year-old Californian!

-I'm afraid not. Take a look.

-You can't buy bone structure like that.

Well, you can, but...

Take a good, hard look.

SHE GASPS

All those years of surgery,

-implants, chemical peels, and anti-ageing formulae...

-Wasted.

You can't fight nature.

-That was me, once.

-Wow, you were hot!

I was an icon, world-famous!

But who would want to photograph me now?

You can still be the same person on the inside.

You're right.

The world only ever saw my image, never the real me.

The Grand Master fed on my vanity.

They all did.

What a fool I've been!

So, you'll give us the formula?

Rose, great news!

School ends in ten minutes and everyone's still three years old!

I'm going as fast as I can!

I've inverted the formula, but I'm missing the catalyst.

I can't work it out.

-His drawings have improved. Looks like an H, C...

-And a nice big L.

HCL.

Hydrogen chloride.

Dr Grabworst's been trying to tell us something all along!

These numbers are the last part of the antidote!

Vanessa's original formula, combined with my inversion of it,

plus the catalyst agent known only to Dr Grabworst equals...

the antidote! Now we need a quick way of getting it to everyone.

How about the ventilation system?

-Perfect. You're an expert in hot air.

-It'll be dangerous.

We don't have any choice.

What are his chances?

Of placing the antidote and returning in three minutes?

At a guess, 9.356% recurring.

We're out of time!

BELL RINGS

W...What am I doing?

Right.

Everyone, home time, please.

-GIGGLING

-Nice handbag!

This ain't no Fifty Pence piece.

-I'd get heat on the street.

-Mind you don't smudge your lippy.

Well, the head of MI9 is delighted. The antidote is being distributed

and soon, our finest scientific minds will be back to normal. And...

-AS "SQUIRES":

-Am I right in thinking we've all learned something today?

Old people are desperate to be young. It's really quite flattering.

I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this,

but I can't think what it is.

Ah, Rose Gupta, you're clearly a very clever young lady.

If you want a job once you've completed your studies,

then give me a call.

And Blane,

if ever I need a baby-sitter, I know where to come.

Thanks, but my baby-sitting days are over.

BLEEP Ugh! Where's my beautiful Vanessa?

-I am Vanessa.

-You? But you look like my granny!

What happened to your "beauty regime"?

-I'm over all that, bunny boy.

-And what about General Flopsy?

He drank a sample of your formula, and now he isn't even house trained.

Oh, General!