Fit Up M.I. High


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Kids, you're working out with Maximus Fiticus -

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Emperor of Fit, Gladiator of the glute.

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Hey, don't be a slave to laziness.

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Get up off that sofa. With my unique one-hour exercise regime

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you too can be as strong as me!

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Lee! It's Maximus Fiticus, the man who came to your school today.

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Lee?

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Lee?!

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SNORING

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Lee!

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And remember, every day at work or play,

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you can do it...the Maximus Way.

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The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

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The old-school spies have had their day

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and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

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Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.

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BELL RINGS

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Welcome to MI High.

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'Pupils are reminded that sports day

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'will take place at 12.30 today on the playing fields.'

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Hiya.

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I'd forgotten it was sports day.

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"Let's make everyone run round a field doing something they hate."

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-We should at least get to pick what event we wanna do.

-Yeah.

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I'd choose chess.

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I'd win every year.

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We've got a mission. The case file's already on your PCs.

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Hundreds of Britain's kids are falling asleep and not waking up.

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What? Not ever?

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Not so far.

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And some of them have been asleep for more than three days.

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-That's some siesta.

-So these are the victims' schools -

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Southerly Park, St Leo's, Park Lane and Highfield West.

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-Could be something in the water?

-Too much homework?

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Highfield West were in the St Hope's Gazette last week.

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In fact, all four schools have been in the press recently,

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-hosting fitness events.

-Run by...Maximus Fiticus?!

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The Emperor of Fit. I've seen him on TV.

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He's got this campaign to get kids exercising. Calls it the Maximus Way.

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Zara made me do it the other night.

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-Nothing happened to us.

-Maximus's real name is Marcus Chisholm.

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Won decathlon gold at the Barcelona Olympics with 9,060 points.

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Guinness Book of Records. These things stick.

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So if he's the link, maybe he just...wore them out?

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We need to know what was in those routines but not his TV workout.

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Maximus Fiticus, the legendary gold medallist?

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-Speak.

-Marjory Mallory, headmistress of Monsignor's School.

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-I'm calling to cancel this morning's visit.

-Cancel?!

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Nobody cancels Maximus Fiticus!

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Well, I'm afraid it's our polo tournament this week,

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and most of our students already have personal trainers.

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But if you're looking to get kids into shape, may I suggest St Hope's?

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-Is that a school?

-Claims to be.

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Huge challenge. It's a horrid place with horrid children.

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But I believe it's their sports day today.

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-But I doubt even YOU could inspire those kids.

-Says who?!

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I will not be defeated.

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Well, not since that Cuban sprinter

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deliberately clipped my heels at the '88 world champs.

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Yeah, give me their address.

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Gather round everyone, as quickly as you can, please, boys and girls.

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It's time for a quick demonstration of the events

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that you'll be tackling in sports day. The sack race is first up.

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This is a very technical event, I think you'll find.

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And the secret is to rotate your hips like this.

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You see?

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Oh! Oh! Ahh!

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LAUGHTER

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What event is this?

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The action replay?

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Actually, it's called the Slow Breath Panda.

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Looks more like the Out Of Breath Pensioner.

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What ARE you doing?

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Just out of interest.

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The mind is slow like the panda

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while the body moves fast like the wings of the humming bird.

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Right.

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It's total Zen concentration.

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Get your mind to block out every external sight or sound.

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I still haven't managed it yet.

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Right, um, the next event is the high jump.

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Could you demonstrate for us, please, er...ooh, um...Letitia.

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-Me?

-Yes.

-But everybody knows I can't do high jumps.

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Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

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Last year, didn't you manage 20 centimetres?

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Oh... A little underwhelming. Never mind. Well done.

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Don't worry about it. Fitness isn't just about doing sport.

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Great news! We are only going to be receiving a visit

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from the Emperor of Fit, Maximus Fiticus himself!

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-Hang on, doesn't he do running about and stuff?

-Aww!

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-That headmistress character has to be one of my best ever.

-Posh? Bossy?

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Cos that's not like you at all.

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Mission gadgets.

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The gum bug.

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-Chewing it activates sound-enhancing sugar molecules.

-Tasty.

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Taste-less! Headbands are so '80s.

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It's bang up-to-date.

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There's a tiny fibre-optic camera woven into the material.

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-Anything for me?

-I'm getting one of the sleep victims for you to study.

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-Daisy and I will keep Maximus under surveillance.

-I'll be watching too.

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An extra pair of eyes won't hurt.

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Any minute now, boys and girls.

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Oh, here he comes.

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'And here he is, two-time Olympic gold medallist

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'and now fitness guru, Maximus Fiticus!'

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-APPLAUSE

-Maximus!

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Thank you. Hello, kids.

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Give me five!

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Hoo hoo hoo! Come on, let's do it the Maximus Way! Whoo!

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-Whaa! Whaa!

-Wow!

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-That body is awesome.

-Haaah!

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Yeah! Come on, Steve, Tracey, let's go.

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Sorry.

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Invasion of the Body Fascists!

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Mr Fiticus! Greetings, this is a golden day...ow! ..for St Hope's.

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-Yeah.

-Ooh!

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Huge challenge. She wasn't kidding.

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Yes, well, I'm sure we've got

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one or two gold medallists waiting to be discovered.

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Britain's sporting future, eh?

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Yes, well, we're all warmed up. Hup, two, hup... Argh!

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Which direction to your playing fields? I'd like to inspect them.

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-They're over that way.

-Right.

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No, over that way.

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-Right.

-That way.

-That way?

-Yes.

-Right.

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Here's to fitness, Flopsy.

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Soon kids all over Britain will be exercising like mindless hamsters.

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And we, Flopsy, shall reap the reward.

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Hi. We're from the school magazine and we'd like to talk to you

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-about the Maximus Way.

-Why you want to turn kids into bodybuilders.

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Right, well, you've got 47.3 seconds.

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That's my personal best for the 400 metres. Shoot.

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What makes your method so unique?

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It's based on the fitness regime of the Roman gladiators.

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-They were winners. Like me.

-So, I guess Britain's gonna do

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really well in the next Olympics, once you've got us kids in shape.

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No, kids today are lazy.

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You don't work out like we did at your age.

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Winning gold medals takes sweat and dedication,

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not sitting in front of a computer all day.

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Sport isn't the only way of keeping fit.

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There's cycling, dancing... Walking the dog?

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Hey, sporting excellence is the only way to win medals.

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-What do medals matter?

-What do medals matter?!

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Medals mean success!

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Look at these babies! Billy and Bobby Biceps!

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They're what won me gold.

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Seoul '88 - mwah. Barcelona '92 - mwah!

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And I guess that's all down to the Maximus Way.

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Is that, like, totally your own idea?

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Well, I adapted some of the moves from the Roman gladiators,

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but, yeah. Huuh!

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Getting kids fit is such a cool concept.

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You must have heaps of sponsors.

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Yeah, I do, but, well... They prefer to remain anonymous. Yeah.

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Right, yeah.

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47.3 seconds. We're off. Whoo!

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Kids' fitness is a sponsor's dream.

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Why would they want to stay anonymous about it?

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It just doesn't make sense.

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Ah, sports day!

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White plimsolls, chalk lines on the playing field, the 50-yard dash.

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'Ere, I wouldn't mind joining in later meself.

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Would that be wise, Bicknall, what with your dodgy hip?

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-And wasn't there that leaky tap in the boys' toilets?

-Hello.

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Oh ho ho.

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I do hope you'll be joining us later for sports day, Mr Bicknall.

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Of course. The more the merrier.

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Are you looking for someone, Mr F?

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It's a cricked neck, Bicknall.

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Maximus has a sponsor.

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Whose identity he won't reveal.

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Interesting. I've been busy, too.

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I did some research on Maximus.

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Look. "Too Old for Gold!

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"Olympic Captain sacked after recent dismal performances."

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That must have dented even his ego.

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One sleep victim for Gupta.

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Sign here, love.

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Thanks.

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Time to go undercover with the headband cam.

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If he tries sending anyone to sleep, it'll all be on here.

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I'll watch the two heavies.

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That is so gross.

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An examination could reveal more about the sleep syndrome.

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In fact, who knows what this body might tell us?

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SNORING

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Right, time to unload those machines.

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What, all of them?

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Oh, yeah. I think these kids deserve 'em, don't you?

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Right.

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Since when were exercise machines part of the Maximus Way?

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I'm gonna use this gum-bug on the two heavies.

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Don't bite off more than you can chew!

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Rose? You getting all this?

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Yep, looks great. If you feel even slightly sleepy, get out of there.

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Duh! You're talking to the queen of time-optimized tactical withdrawal.

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-You mean running away?

-Er, yeah.

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Teenage male, approximately 13 years of age.

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Body in a state of advanced narcosia.

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Evidence of deep sleep respiration.

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'Careful! There's no spares for machines like these!'

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Come on! Come on!

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You call this a sports day?

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-Yes, marvellous, isn't it?

-Look at this.

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Three-legged race, welly wanging?

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Bravo! We have a winner.

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No, no, no!

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You don't have any winners. These aren't even Olympic events.

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Oh, dear, dear, dear.

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Teacher can't help you now. Get in there!

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Hey! Argh!

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Daisy, stay off anything that looks like an exercise machine.

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Note birthmark on lower left ankle.

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No other suspicious markings except for temporary Spiderman transfer.

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Vibrating mouth palate causing severe aural disruption.

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-What's that?!

-One of Maximus's exercise machines.

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It weighs a ton!

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Nearly all the energy's been extracted from the body.

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There's just enough left to support basic life-functions.

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Plus snoring. So where does the energy go?

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Right, you kids, get out of those sacks and throw them away!

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But it's such fun! Look, how about the egg and spoon race?

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I'll show you what you can do with your spoon!

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Ughhhhh!

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Heeeey!

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Eee-ughhhhh!

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Right, let's do things... the Maximus Way!

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Start jogging on the spot!

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Come on! It's time for a real sports day!

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Yea-ea-eah!

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Guys, this may be nothing, but Maximus keeps swigging this drink...

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'and afterwards he's twice as energetic.'

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-Can you use the headband cam to close in on it?

-'I'll try.'

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He's been drinking that stuff all day!

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And you, Lenny, keep it up! Come on!

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-Keep going. Come on.

-PHONE RINGS

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Just a minute. Speak.

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'Your fellow athletes grow impatient.'

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We need that energy now.

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One more batch and it'll be gold medals galore.

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Right, time to hit the Powerlyzers!

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The special ingredient that will give you

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an Olympian physique like mine!

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Whoo!

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Firstly, take the electrodes at the base of the machine

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and attach them to your ankles.

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This will monitor your heart rate as we exercise.

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You're gonna have maximum strength and toning.

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Even a feeble specimen like this will be as strong as me!

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And ladies, you'll be able to feel your bodies sculpting into shape.

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Come on, Mr Flatley, put some effort into it. That's it.

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Ah, the young lady from the school magazine.

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I thought you'd benefit from these machines more than most,

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with your muscle-fat body ratio 12.35% above what it should be.

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-It... It is? I... I never knew.

-Yeah.

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And if you can grin while you're exercising,

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then you're not putting enough effort in. Now, come on!

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That's better. Come on!

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Feel the benefit.

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See the benefit!

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12.35%? My MI9 body assessment test

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must have been totally wrong.

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And one and two and one...

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Well, a few minutes can't hurt.

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..and two! That's better.

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GetFitade, look.

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Here in Florida, we've got a great new drink

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and it's brimming with the energy

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and youth-giving ions you need for an active life.

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Get fit fast with GetFitade.

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So...kids with no energy and a bunch of pensioners with heaps of it.

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Coincidence?

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That thing's the key.

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Now, let's put all our energy into this.

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And one and two

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and one and two and one...

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Rose, there's some kind of battery.

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-This is a SKUL machine!

-THEY must be making the GetFitade.

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Do I look any stronger yet?

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Definitely more toned.

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Girls, we are going to be so body beautiful

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when we get off these machines!

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What's with the sucker?

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I thought it was a birthmark, but it's a bruise.

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An exact match for this sucker!

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So the exercise machines are stealing energy

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and storing it in this battery!

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Daisy!

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Come on!

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Push it, and push it. That's it, Mrs Templeman, keep going.

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That's lovely. Yes.

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That's really lovely. Yes, come on!

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And one, and two, and one, and two.

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And one, and two, that's lovely, come on. Come on! You can do it.

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Whoa! Come on, give me every last drop of energy.

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That's right. Yes. Yes.

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Lovely, lovely! Lovely, lovely, lovely.

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Lovely, lovely, lovely...

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Oh yes.

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Sleep tight, St Hope's.

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Thanks to you, Maximus Fiticus will once more

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hear our national anthem and kiss the gold medals around his neck!

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SNORING

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HE LAUGHS EVILLY

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Rose, I'm too late!

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You need to see if the energy can be reversed.

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He's gonna pay for this!

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PHONE RINGS

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Grandmaster? Yeah, yeah, I've just finished.

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The latest consignment of energy will be shipped out

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in a few minutes. Right.

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-HE MUMBLES

-Mummy!

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Mummy, please leave the light on!

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I don't like the dark.

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Hey!

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Oi! Why aren't you at sports day?

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I er...got a note from my mum!

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You have to let me go, it's a matter of national security!

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We've got a little comedian here.

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Reverse the energy flow, Maximus!

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No. The only orders I take are from the starting gun.

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And your friend the Grandmaster?

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-Was it money he offered you?

-Of course not.

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The energy we siphon off is going to top athletes like me.

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With the energy you waste, we can take performance to the next level.

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Gold in every event!

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World records! National prestige!

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The Grandmaster doesn't care about sport.

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-Just money!

-No, you're wrong.

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He's an elite athlete like me.

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That what he told you? Sorry, mate, you've been had.

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-GetFitade is being sold to rich OAPs in Florida.

-No.

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500 a can.

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The Grandmaster's making a fortune.

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You're lying. This will be a new golden age for British sport!

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If you're as fit as you really think,

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then why don't we go man to man?

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You've no chance.

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You modern kids are soft!

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How about we compete for all the people you've stolen energy from?

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If I win, you reverse the energy flow.

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And if...

0:22:370:22:39

WHEN you lose, I get to keep your energy.

0:22:390:22:44

-Deal?

-Deal.

0:22:440:22:46

Right.

0:22:460:22:48

Let's make this interesting.

0:22:520:22:54

You know, you both have pronated feet.

0:23:050:23:08

Could seriously affect your athletic performance.

0:23:080:23:11

-Really?

-Yeah. Put your feet together

0:23:110:23:14

and look straight down at them and start walking.

0:23:140:23:17

-What do you see?

-Two feet?

0:23:170:23:20

Two losers!

0:23:200:23:22

That what you call the Olympic spirit?

0:23:240:23:27

With or without, I can exercise you into oblivion!

0:23:310:23:36

Big talk, muscle man.

0:23:360:23:38

Oh dear, is that a bead of sweat?

0:23:420:23:45

Is the nasty machine too tough for you?

0:23:450:23:49

Aww.

0:23:490:23:50

VOICE BECOMES DISTANT

0:23:500:23:52

Tougher than a sack race, eh?

0:23:520:23:55

SILENCE

0:23:550:23:58

No! It's impossible!

0:24:000:24:04

No!

0:24:040:24:07

This can't be happening!

0:24:070:24:09

The mind is just as important as the body, Maximus.

0:24:180:24:21

You're too old for gold. Time to face reality.

0:24:210:24:24

But I'm a winner, not a loser!

0:24:240:24:26

Kids are the future of sport in Britain, Maximus,

0:24:260:24:29

not the Grandmaster and not cheats like you!

0:24:290:24:32

-Give back the energy you stole.

-I can't.

0:24:320:24:35

-I can't. I lied to you.

-Maximus says the energy can't be reversed.

0:24:350:24:40

I have an idea that might work.

0:24:400:24:42

Switching the polarity on the exercise machines.

0:24:420:24:45

-But it'll be dangerous.

-More than being asleep forever?

0:24:450:24:48

We have to go for it. See if you can get a response from Daisy.

0:24:480:24:51

He thinks I don't like him, but he really is quite buff.

0:25:040:25:09

Buff? Who? Who's buff?

0:25:090:25:11

-BEEPING

-Rose.

0:25:110:25:14

She's going deeper!

0:25:140:25:16

What kept you?!

0:25:270:25:29

-Lenny!

-Get away! It's going to explode!

0:25:330:25:37

It's OK, Lenny, mission accomplished.

0:25:370:25:39

But we need to move fast before the others wake.

0:25:390:25:42

-Where is Maximus?

-Burst bicep.

0:25:500:25:53

He, er...might be out of action for quite a while.

0:25:530:25:56

Whoo! Ow...

0:25:560:25:59

And congratulations to Ring Tone

0:26:000:26:03

for winning the welly wanging competition.

0:26:030:26:06

Give him a big cheer, boys and girls. Well done, Ring Tone.

0:26:060:26:13

And so to the last competitor in our final event

0:26:130:26:16

which is, of course, the high jump.

0:26:160:26:19

Good luck, Letitia.

0:26:190:26:20

Just don't trip, everyone's watching.

0:26:200:26:23

I can't do it!

0:26:300:26:32

I hate sports day!

0:26:320:26:34

Give me that!

0:26:340:26:36

Gnaaaagh!

0:26:360:26:38

-GLASS SMASHING

-Goodness me!

0:26:430:26:46

From here to the staffroom window, that's at least 50 metres!

0:26:460:26:53

That's broken a new British record!

0:26:530:26:56

That's a new British record, boys and girls!

0:26:560:26:59

-CROWD CHEERS

-Well done, Letitia.

0:26:590:27:03

I told you, just a question of finding out what you're good at.

0:27:030:27:07

And still no word from that fitness freak.

0:27:070:27:11

Our plan is falling apart, General!

0:27:110:27:14

General? Chocolate?!

0:27:140:27:17

That's not part of your high-fibre diet.

0:27:170:27:19

Even you let me down, Flopsy!

0:27:190:27:22

Is there no-one an evil genius can trust?

0:27:220:27:26

All the sleep victims have woken, thanks to Rose's ingenuity.

0:27:260:27:31

Well done, team.

0:27:310:27:33

You look fitter. Was it the exercise?

0:27:330:27:36

Or just the big sleep?

0:27:360:27:38

Go chew some bamboo, panda boy!

0:27:380:27:40

I did find the Maximus Way pretty easy, you know.

0:27:400:27:46

SNORING

0:27:460:27:48

Hello?

0:27:500:27:52

Anyone there?

0:27:530:27:55

Hello? Mummy?

0:27:570:28:00

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