Fit Up M.I. High

Kids, you're working out with Maximus Fiticus -

Emperor of Fit, Gladiator of the glute.

Hey, don't be a slave to laziness.

Get up off that sofa. With my unique one-hour exercise regime

you too can be as strong as me!

Lee! It's Maximus Fiticus, the man who came to your school today.

Lee?

Lee?!

SNORING

Lee!

And remember, every day at work or play,

you can do it...the Maximus Way.

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

The old-school spies have had their day

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain would think to look.

BELL RINGS

Welcome to MI High.

'Pupils are reminded that sports day

'will take place at 12.30 today on the playing fields.'

Hiya.

I'd forgotten it was sports day.

"Let's make everyone run round a field doing something they hate."

-We should at least get to pick what event we wanna do.

-Yeah.

I'd choose chess.

I'd win every year.

We've got a mission. The case file's already on your PCs.

Hundreds of Britain's kids are falling asleep and not waking up.

What? Not ever?

Not so far.

And some of them have been asleep for more than three days.

-That's some siesta.

-So these are the victims' schools -

Southerly Park, St Leo's, Park Lane and Highfield West.

-Could be something in the water?

-Too much homework?

Highfield West were in the St Hope's Gazette last week.

In fact, all four schools have been in the press recently,

-hosting fitness events.

-Run by...Maximus Fiticus?!

The Emperor of Fit. I've seen him on TV.

He's got this campaign to get kids exercising. Calls it the Maximus Way.

Zara made me do it the other night.

-Nothing happened to us.

-Maximus's real name is Marcus Chisholm.

Won decathlon gold at the Barcelona Olympics with 9,060 points.

Guinness Book of Records. These things stick.

So if he's the link, maybe he just...wore them out?

We need to know what was in those routines but not his TV workout.

Maximus Fiticus, the legendary gold medallist?

-Speak.

-Marjory Mallory, headmistress of Monsignor's School.

-I'm calling to cancel this morning's visit.

-Cancel?!

Nobody cancels Maximus Fiticus!

Well, I'm afraid it's our polo tournament this week,

and most of our students already have personal trainers.

But if you're looking to get kids into shape, may I suggest St Hope's?

-Is that a school?

-Claims to be.

Huge challenge. It's a horrid place with horrid children.

But I believe it's their sports day today.

-But I doubt even YOU could inspire those kids.

-Says who?!

I will not be defeated.

Well, not since that Cuban sprinter

deliberately clipped my heels at the '88 world champs.

Yeah, give me their address.

Gather round everyone, as quickly as you can, please, boys and girls.

It's time for a quick demonstration of the events

that you'll be tackling in sports day. The sack race is first up.

This is a very technical event, I think you'll find.

And the secret is to rotate your hips like this.

You see?

Oh! Oh! Ahh!

LAUGHTER

What event is this?

The action replay?

Actually, it's called the Slow Breath Panda.

Looks more like the Out Of Breath Pensioner.

What ARE you doing?

Just out of interest.

The mind is slow like the panda

while the body moves fast like the wings of the humming bird.

Right.

It's total Zen concentration.

Get your mind to block out every external sight or sound.

I still haven't managed it yet.

Right, um, the next event is the high jump.

Could you demonstrate for us, please, er...ooh, um...Letitia.

-Me?

-Yes.

-But everybody knows I can't do high jumps.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Last year, didn't you manage 20 centimetres?

Oh... A little underwhelming. Never mind. Well done.

Don't worry about it. Fitness isn't just about doing sport.

Great news! We are only going to be receiving a visit

from the Emperor of Fit, Maximus Fiticus himself!

-Hang on, doesn't he do running about and stuff?

-Aww!

-That headmistress character has to be one of my best ever.

-Posh? Bossy?

Cos that's not like you at all.

Mission gadgets.

The gum bug.

-Chewing it activates sound-enhancing sugar molecules.

-Tasty.

Taste-less! Headbands are so '80s.

It's bang up-to-date.

There's a tiny fibre-optic camera woven into the material.

-Anything for me?

-I'm getting one of the sleep victims for you to study.

-Daisy and I will keep Maximus under surveillance.

-I'll be watching too.

An extra pair of eyes won't hurt.

Any minute now, boys and girls.

Oh, here he comes.

'And here he is, two-time Olympic gold medallist

'and now fitness guru, Maximus Fiticus!'

-APPLAUSE

-Maximus!

Thank you. Hello, kids.

Give me five!

Hoo hoo hoo! Come on, let's do it the Maximus Way! Whoo!

-Whaa! Whaa!

-Wow!

-That body is awesome.

-Haaah!

Yeah! Come on, Steve, Tracey, let's go.

Sorry.

Invasion of the Body Fascists!

Mr Fiticus! Greetings, this is a golden day...ow! ..for St Hope's.

-Yeah.

-Ooh!

Huge challenge. She wasn't kidding.

Yes, well, I'm sure we've got

one or two gold medallists waiting to be discovered.

Britain's sporting future, eh?

Yes, well, we're all warmed up. Hup, two, hup... Argh!

Which direction to your playing fields? I'd like to inspect them.

-They're over that way.

-Right.

No, over that way.

-Right.

-That way.

-That way?

-Yes.

-Right.

Here's to fitness, Flopsy.

Soon kids all over Britain will be exercising like mindless hamsters.

And we, Flopsy, shall reap the reward.

Hi. We're from the school magazine and we'd like to talk to you

-about the Maximus Way.

-Why you want to turn kids into bodybuilders.

Right, well, you've got 47.3 seconds.

That's my personal best for the 400 metres. Shoot.

What makes your method so unique?

It's based on the fitness regime of the Roman gladiators.

-They were winners. Like me.

-So, I guess Britain's gonna do

really well in the next Olympics, once you've got us kids in shape.

No, kids today are lazy.

You don't work out like we did at your age.

Winning gold medals takes sweat and dedication,

not sitting in front of a computer all day.

Sport isn't the only way of keeping fit.

There's cycling, dancing... Walking the dog?

Hey, sporting excellence is the only way to win medals.

-What do medals matter?

-What do medals matter?!

Medals mean success!

Look at these babies! Billy and Bobby Biceps!

They're what won me gold.

Seoul '88 - mwah. Barcelona '92 - mwah!

And I guess that's all down to the Maximus Way.

Is that, like, totally your own idea?

Well, I adapted some of the moves from the Roman gladiators,

but, yeah. Huuh!

Getting kids fit is such a cool concept.

You must have heaps of sponsors.

Yeah, I do, but, well... They prefer to remain anonymous. Yeah.

Right, yeah.

47.3 seconds. We're off. Whoo!

Kids' fitness is a sponsor's dream.

Why would they want to stay anonymous about it?

It just doesn't make sense.

Ah, sports day!

White plimsolls, chalk lines on the playing field, the 50-yard dash.

'Ere, I wouldn't mind joining in later meself.

Would that be wise, Bicknall, what with your dodgy hip?

-And wasn't there that leaky tap in the boys' toilets?

-Hello.

Oh ho ho.

I do hope you'll be joining us later for sports day, Mr Bicknall.

Of course. The more the merrier.

Are you looking for someone, Mr F?

It's a cricked neck, Bicknall.

Maximus has a sponsor.

Whose identity he won't reveal.

Interesting. I've been busy, too.

I did some research on Maximus.

Look. "Too Old for Gold!

"Olympic Captain sacked after recent dismal performances."

That must have dented even his ego.

One sleep victim for Gupta.

Sign here, love.

Thanks.

Time to go undercover with the headband cam.

If he tries sending anyone to sleep, it'll all be on here.

I'll watch the two heavies.

That is so gross.

An examination could reveal more about the sleep syndrome.

In fact, who knows what this body might tell us?

SNORING

Right, time to unload those machines.

What, all of them?

Oh, yeah. I think these kids deserve 'em, don't you?

Right.

Since when were exercise machines part of the Maximus Way?

I'm gonna use this gum-bug on the two heavies.

Don't bite off more than you can chew!

Rose? You getting all this?

Yep, looks great. If you feel even slightly sleepy, get out of there.

Duh! You're talking to the queen of time-optimized tactical withdrawal.

-You mean running away?

-Er, yeah.

Teenage male, approximately 13 years of age.

Body in a state of advanced narcosia.

Evidence of deep sleep respiration.

'Careful! There's no spares for machines like these!'

Come on! Come on!

You call this a sports day?

-Yes, marvellous, isn't it?

-Look at this.

Three-legged race, welly wanging?

Bravo! We have a winner.

No, no, no!

You don't have any winners. These aren't even Olympic events.

Oh, dear, dear, dear.

Teacher can't help you now. Get in there!

Hey! Argh!

Daisy, stay off anything that looks like an exercise machine.

Note birthmark on lower left ankle.

No other suspicious markings except for temporary Spiderman transfer.

Vibrating mouth palate causing severe aural disruption.

-What's that?!

-One of Maximus's exercise machines.

It weighs a ton!

Nearly all the energy's been extracted from the body.

There's just enough left to support basic life-functions.

Plus snoring. So where does the energy go?

Right, you kids, get out of those sacks and throw them away!

But it's such fun! Look, how about the egg and spoon race?

I'll show you what you can do with your spoon!

Ughhhhh!

Heeeey!

Eee-ughhhhh!

Right, let's do things... the Maximus Way!

Start jogging on the spot!

Come on! It's time for a real sports day!

Yea-ea-eah!

Guys, this may be nothing, but Maximus keeps swigging this drink...

'and afterwards he's twice as energetic.'

-Can you use the headband cam to close in on it?

-'I'll try.'

He's been drinking that stuff all day!

And you, Lenny, keep it up! Come on!

-Keep going. Come on.

-PHONE RINGS

Just a minute. Speak.

'Your fellow athletes grow impatient.'

We need that energy now.

One more batch and it'll be gold medals galore.

Right, time to hit the Powerlyzers!

The special ingredient that will give you

an Olympian physique like mine!

Whoo!

Firstly, take the electrodes at the base of the machine

and attach them to your ankles.

This will monitor your heart rate as we exercise.

You're gonna have maximum strength and toning.

Even a feeble specimen like this will be as strong as me!

And ladies, you'll be able to feel your bodies sculpting into shape.

Come on, Mr Flatley, put some effort into it. That's it.

Ah, the young lady from the school magazine.

I thought you'd benefit from these machines more than most,

with your muscle-fat body ratio 12.35% above what it should be.

-It... It is? I... I never knew.

-Yeah.

And if you can grin while you're exercising,

then you're not putting enough effort in. Now, come on!

That's better. Come on!

Feel the benefit.

See the benefit!

12.35%? My MI9 body assessment test

must have been totally wrong.

And one and two and one...

Well, a few minutes can't hurt.

..and two! That's better.

GetFitade, look.

Here in Florida, we've got a great new drink

and it's brimming with the energy

and youth-giving ions you need for an active life.

Get fit fast with GetFitade.

So...kids with no energy and a bunch of pensioners with heaps of it.

Coincidence?

That thing's the key.

Now, let's put all our energy into this.

And one and two

and one and two and one...

Rose, there's some kind of battery.

-This is a SKUL machine!

-THEY must be making the GetFitade.

Do I look any stronger yet?

Definitely more toned.

Girls, we are going to be so body beautiful

when we get off these machines!

What's with the sucker?

I thought it was a birthmark, but it's a bruise.

An exact match for this sucker!

So the exercise machines are stealing energy

and storing it in this battery!

Daisy!

Come on!

Push it, and push it. That's it, Mrs Templeman, keep going.

That's lovely. Yes.

That's really lovely. Yes, come on!

And one, and two, and one, and two.

And one, and two, that's lovely, come on. Come on! You can do it.

Whoa! Come on, give me every last drop of energy.

That's right. Yes. Yes.

Lovely, lovely! Lovely, lovely, lovely.

Lovely, lovely, lovely...

Oh yes.

Sleep tight, St Hope's.

Thanks to you, Maximus Fiticus will once more

hear our national anthem and kiss the gold medals around his neck!

SNORING

HE LAUGHS EVILLY

Rose, I'm too late!

You need to see if the energy can be reversed.

He's gonna pay for this!

PHONE RINGS

Grandmaster? Yeah, yeah, I've just finished.

The latest consignment of energy will be shipped out

in a few minutes. Right.

-HE MUMBLES

-Mummy!

Mummy, please leave the light on!

I don't like the dark.

Hey!

Oi! Why aren't you at sports day?

I er...got a note from my mum!

You have to let me go, it's a matter of national security!

We've got a little comedian here.

Reverse the energy flow, Maximus!

No. The only orders I take are from the starting gun.

And your friend the Grandmaster?

-Was it money he offered you?

-Of course not.

The energy we siphon off is going to top athletes like me.

With the energy you waste, we can take performance to the next level.

Gold in every event!

World records! National prestige!

The Grandmaster doesn't care about sport.

-Just money!

-No, you're wrong.

He's an elite athlete like me.

That what he told you? Sorry, mate, you've been had.

-GetFitade is being sold to rich OAPs in Florida.

-No.

500 a can.

The Grandmaster's making a fortune.

You're lying. This will be a new golden age for British sport!

If you're as fit as you really think,

then why don't we go man to man?

You've no chance.

You modern kids are soft!

How about we compete for all the people you've stolen energy from?

If I win, you reverse the energy flow.

And if...

WHEN you lose, I get to keep your energy.

-Deal?

-Deal.

Right.

Let's make this interesting.

You know, you both have pronated feet.

Could seriously affect your athletic performance.

-Really?

-Yeah. Put your feet together

and look straight down at them and start walking.

-What do you see?

-Two feet?

Two losers!

That what you call the Olympic spirit?

With or without, I can exercise you into oblivion!

Big talk, muscle man.

Oh dear, is that a bead of sweat?

Is the nasty machine too tough for you?

Aww.

VOICE BECOMES DISTANT

Tougher than a sack race, eh?

SILENCE

No! It's impossible!

No!

This can't be happening!

The mind is just as important as the body, Maximus.

You're too old for gold. Time to face reality.

But I'm a winner, not a loser!

Kids are the future of sport in Britain, Maximus,

not the Grandmaster and not cheats like you!

-Give back the energy you stole.

-I can't.

-I can't. I lied to you.

-Maximus says the energy can't be reversed.

I have an idea that might work.

Switching the polarity on the exercise machines.

-But it'll be dangerous.

-More than being asleep forever?

We have to go for it. See if you can get a response from Daisy.

He thinks I don't like him, but he really is quite buff.

Buff? Who? Who's buff?

-BEEPING

-Rose.

She's going deeper!

What kept you?!

-Lenny!

-Get away! It's going to explode!

It's OK, Lenny, mission accomplished.

But we need to move fast before the others wake.

-Where is Maximus?

-Burst bicep.

He, er...might be out of action for quite a while.

Whoo! Ow...

And congratulations to Ring Tone

for winning the welly wanging competition.

Give him a big cheer, boys and girls. Well done, Ring Tone.

And so to the last competitor in our final event

which is, of course, the high jump.

Good luck, Letitia.

Just don't trip, everyone's watching.

I can't do it!

I hate sports day!

Give me that!

Gnaaaagh!

-GLASS SMASHING

-Goodness me!

From here to the staffroom window, that's at least 50 metres!

That's broken a new British record!

That's a new British record, boys and girls!

-CROWD CHEERS

-Well done, Letitia.

I told you, just a question of finding out what you're good at.

And still no word from that fitness freak.

Our plan is falling apart, General!

General? Chocolate?!

That's not part of your high-fibre diet.

Even you let me down, Flopsy!

Is there no-one an evil genius can trust?

All the sleep victims have woken, thanks to Rose's ingenuity.

Well done, team.

You look fitter. Was it the exercise?

Or just the big sleep?

Go chew some bamboo, panda boy!

I did find the Maximus Way pretty easy, you know.

SNORING

Hello?

Anyone there?

Hello? Mummy?