Fit to Wurst M.I. High

Why not tell me where those MI9 spies are, let me deal with them?

Call it a need for job satisfaction. My money?

The rest will be paid into your account once I have their location.

-That will be very soon.

-Excellent.

Now, what news of my other brilliant scheme?

-YOUR brilliant scheme is primed and ready to go.

-Wonderful.

I capture the cream of MI9 whilst parting every child in this country

from its pocket money. And I get to watch it all on the nation's CCTV,

which I've commandeered for a day or two.

Ah, Flopsy, we are going to be so rich.

I'll have a golden hutch made for you,

with a lift, or would you rather an escalator?

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

Old-school spies have had their day,

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look...

..welcome to MI High.

My dad has been on my case all weekend.

I so wanted to tell him. You try saving the world every other week

-while still getting staight A's.

-My mum is the same.

"I only nag you 'cos I love you."

Will you stop loving me for just half an hour?

Y'all give it up for Scoop Doggy.

MOBILES BLARE DANCE MUSIC

People, your day has brightened. The Dogg is with you.

Excruciating.

Frank totally pimped my phone. Check this out.

MOBILES PLAY BLUEGRASS

Give me that!

Muppets!

BUZZING

Here we go.

'An instruction for you all.

'The moment you hear the word "volunteer", put your hands up.

BELL RINGS

All right, everyone. Quiet, please.

Thank you, quiet, please.

Settle down now.

I said quiet, please.

Shh!

SILENCE

Today is the start of 'You Are What You Eat Week,'

so all crisps, sweets and junk food are banned from the canteen...

GROANS

..as well as the school grounds.

GROANS

It's for your own good. Isn't it, Mr Flatley?

Indeed. Erm, it doesn't apply to staff, though, does it?

-Lead by example, don't you think?

-Right.

On another note, PE is cancelled this week.

WHOOPS AND CHEERS

Yes, all right, all right.

This is due to the fact that the gym is being redecorated

so it is out of bounds all week.

However, we do need three volunt...

Oh, excellent, we have our decorators' little helpers!

Ah, good morning, agents.

So we're dogsbodies now?

And where are the decorators?

Meet Jed Black, MI9's finest fitness instructor.

I recommended him myself.

He's going to get you into the best shape of your lives.

What, here? The whole school will see.

I've no choice. MI9 training centre's being upgraded,

but don't worry, the windows have been replaced.

You can see out, but all the people on the outside can see

is their reflections. They're reinforced too.

Eurgh...

Welcome to a week of necessary hell. Good luck.

-Hi, I'm...

-What a sad set of specimens you lot are.

From this moment on, you will do exactly as I tell you.

Are you for real?

You do not EVER question my authority.

All of you, 100 press-ups, NOW!

Yeah, he's for real.

I love press-ups! C'mon, you two, I'll race you.

This is so gross.

You don't see Lily Allen being forced to eat hedgehog food,

so why should we?

Hedgehogs eat hummus?

'Gorgeous, greasy, meaty wursts.'

All free. Tell your friends.

-What are wursts?

-Who cares? They're free.

BEEPS

C'mon, Carrie!

C'mon, Carrie. You can do it!

Who's the champ?! Who's the champ?!

Woo-hoo, waaah!

Remember this, kids,

I've got muscles in places where you lot don't even have places.

Ah! A moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips.

Beetroot salad...

..with a glass of semi-skimmed milk.

Thank me later.

Come on, let's get another.

What are you doing? Stop this.

It's You Are What You Eat Week, not Eat Processed Muck Week.

Processed muck?

How dare you? My wursts are made from the finest frogs.

-Did you just say 'frogs'?

-Frogs...?

No, no, of course not!

I said 'hogs', finest Bavarian hogs. Yum-yum!

Wurst? On the house?

No, thanks, mate. I was brought up never to accept food from strangers.

Suit yourself.

Oh, go on, then, I'm sure one little one wouldn't do any harm.

Oh...

This is amazing.

I've never tasted anything like it.

Thank you. Here, a couple for later.

148, 149, 150...

BLOWS WHISTLE

37.4 seconds. Hopeless. Two minutes' rest and then we'll start again.

But I have gym.

"But I have gym."

To think that the safety of the world

sometimes lies in your hands is frightening.

Two minutes. Move it!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Wurst, sir?

Um... Is there, perchance, a fearsomely stern

and unforgiving-looking woman behind me?

No. Why?

No reason. Mmmm!

Just what the doctor ordered.

My aches are aching.

I bet mine hurt more.

It's fun. Jed is so disciplined.

You mean a cheating control freak?

He's competitive, that's all. I admire that in a person.

Where's the van?! I need the van!

-Are you OK?

-Oh, yeah, I'm fine, cool. I'm ice cool.

I just, just need to find the van.

Just the van. The van... Where's the van?

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Come on, the control freak calls.

Have you seen the van? Where's the van?!

Where is the van? I can't see the van, where is it?

If you're ever captured by enemy forces

as I was in Siberia during the Cold War...

-More like suburbia.

-..they will attempt to wear you down

through the use of sound and sight deprivation.

So it is essential that you free yourselves as quickly as possible.

You have one hour.

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES

Wurst, sir?

Rule number one - when out in the field,

-behave professionally at all times.

-SCHOOL BELL RINGS

-Understand me?!

-Completely.

Be at the distribution centre at midday. Do not be late.

Double wurst, but hold the sauce, yeah?

That'll be ten pounds, please.

But, er... You ain't done the maths. They're free, innit?

Repeat, please, I not understand.

The produce you is giving is compeli-min-etry.

-Get me now, bro'?

-That was yesterday.

But today, you pay, or have no wurst. Understand that, bro'?

-Scoop's crew is watching you.

-How sweet.

Now move along.

Eat veg, not flesh! Eat veg, not flesh!

How much?! I don't carry that type of cash with me.

We're not going to be exploited.

Let us through! Let us through! Stand back!

-Allow me to get yours, Frank.

-Very kind of you.

That will be £20.

Oh, er,...I only have a credit card.

Not a problem.

Enter PIN.

-Avril...

-Cool. You saw the light.

Yeah, right...Um...could I borrow your phone? I left mine in class.

Sure. Anything for a sister.

Eat veg, not flesh!

MP3 five megapixel camera phone in exchange for two wursts?

That'll do nicely.

Eat veg, not flesh! Eat veg, not flesh!

Eat...

Guys...?!

MUSIC: RUSSIAN-STYLE MARCH

Look at them all - the more they eat, the more they desire.

Soon every schoolchild's pocket money will be in my piggy bank.

-What news of my spies?

-Contained and ready for delivery.

-Contained where?

-They will be yours as soon as the money reaches my account.

-It will be there within the hour.

-What of him

when my...I mean YOUR masterplan has succeeded?

There will be no further need of him.

Another little job for you, my handy little traitor.

Now, get to the distribution centre

and make sure everything is running smoothly.

KNOCKS OVER CHESS PIECE

Checkmate, Flopsy. That makes it 174 to me

and three to you.

My ear drums are about to burst!

Carrie! Oscar!

Activate.

3-6-3-#-4-9.

Scan for sound waves.

Destroy floor.

MUSIC STOPS

Come on, Dav, just one bite.

Sharing wurst is wrong, everyone knows that.

16 minutes 8 seconds. Not bad, eh?

-Where's Jed got to?

-I was just wondering that.

It's locked.

-Anyone else getting a terrible feeling about this?

-Don't be silly.

Jed's one of us. He's probably gone for a cup of tea.

I'm calling Frank. He'll get us out of here.

RINGING TONE

PHONE

Voicemail.

-That's not like Frank.

-We've got to get out of here.

-How?

-The windows are reinforced.

-We could use those speakers to create an electromagnetic pulse.

-Then harness it with my phone.

-Creating reversible radio wave

which, amplified through the MP3s, would manifest a frequency...

-..to shatter the windows.

-Or...

..we could do this.

HYAA!

We could do that.

Oh, my goodness!

What's happened to him?

Frank?

This is mine!

-You need to stop eating it. It's making you ill.

-No, it's wonderful.

-HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

-It's wonderful!

Listen,

-I don't know why or how, but those sausages...

-Wursts! They're wursts!

They're making people behave in a really strange way. Hand it over.

-No! You just want it for yourselves.

-No, Frank,

-we want to find a way to make you better.

-Get back!

Look at yourself, Frank!

What's happened to me?

Move away from the wurst, Frank.

We just want to help you.

Shows the state of the country when you can't even trust a hotdog.

Help me up.

Carrie, get to the van that sells these things.

Rose, it's time for you to do your stuff.

We need to find out what's in them.

Mmm!

Could I have a wurst, please?

And how you pay?

-With ketchup.

-SPLURT

Very funny!

And now we're closed.

CHILDREN MOAN

Target on the move. In pursuit.

There's no calorific value, yet the weight piles on when you eat it.

-It defies probability.

-Why are they so addictive?

-They're moreish.

They enliven taste buds, tricking you into thinking you need more.

-That's not right.

-What?

-The meat. It's Rana temporaria.

-Sounds rather exotic.

-To give it its common name, frog.

-Oh...!

My mouth's a little...dry all of a s-sudden.

Anything to drink in the fridge, Oscar?

-Just milk.

-If it's wet, it'll do.

Mr Flatley...

-You should be ashamed.

-Mmm...

-That is a dead animal in your hand.

-Mmm, I know.

Disgusting!

Meat is murder!

Meat is murder!

Meat is murder!

Mmm...

-This is one weird sausage.

-Wurst.

Sausage, wurst, whatever.

How could I be so dumb?

-What?

-That's it - wurst.

That's what?

30 years ago, when we were in the middle of a Cold War with Russia,

they were rumoured to invent a food which enemy troops could not resist.

As they ate it, they put on vast quantities of weight.

-They wouldn't be able to run, so...

-They'd be easy targets.

You're not suggesting the country's about to come under attack.

They wouldn't need to attack. If this gets into the food chain

the nation will be too fat to resist anything.

Got it.

Yuri Luvabitz, scientist extraordinaire.

Married to Olga, one son, Ivor.

Banished to Siberia after embarrassing government with wurst invention

which was found to be easily overcome

-by the simple antidote of milk.

-They got that wrong.

I'm drinking milk and I feel fine.

THUNDEROUS TRUMPING

PRRRBRBRBBRRRT

TRUMPING CONTINUES

PHRRBRRRTHTHRT

Excuse me.

Respect, Frank!

THRBRBRBRRRBRR

That is scientifically impossible.

THRRPRRRRR

-Ugh! Finished?

-Please let that be a yes!

HE TRUMPS AGAIN

That was probably the most embarrassing minute of my life.

YOUR life?!

-Wow!

-What?

Take a look, Frank.

Thanks, guys.

PHONE RINGS

Carrie?

Frank?

Luvabitz's van just stopped outside what looks like a factory.

Looks like he's going in.

So am I.

-JED:

-Luvabitz?

You're not gonna believe this.

Jed Black's just turned up.

-The new batch of wursts - are they ready for dispatch?

-Soon.

-How could I have been so naive?

-Easily done, Carrie, believe me.

Now remain in position and await further instructions.

Jed is at the distribution centre.

-We need to bring up his personnel file.

-I'm on it.

I knew he was up to something.

Amazing! The tiniest amount of milk reverses the effects,

and kills the active ingredients immediately!

Black's clean. Maybe he's undercover.

No. I'd know about it if he were.

Get yourself down to that depot as quick as you can.

Carrie's going to need backup.

Carrie? Milk destroys the wursts. Milk destroys the wursts.

-Oscar's on his way.

-Received and out.

Your boss. He is pleased with my work.

Yes, very. Which reminds me...

Once you've finished here, I need to have a private chat with you.

Frank? You'd better look at this.

It's Jed's banking details.

He's just had £100,000 paid into his bank account

by a company called Hard Tent Gamers.

I can never resist an anagram.

The Grand Master?! Do an emergency security sweep.

We've been compromised.

ELECTRONIC BEEPING

'Unauthorised entry. Unauthorised entry. Unauth...'

Interesting...

It seems the Grand Master's hacked into the entire country's CCTV!

Why would he do that?

-He must be monitoring something. Something big.

-We need to find out

exactly what he's looking at, and put a stop to it, now!

I've got an idea.

Just look at them, Flopsy. Fat, greedy children everywhere,

all desperate to give me their money and valuables.

What?! Flopsy, who is responsible for this?!

That'll get him hopping mad, I'll bet!

SLOW CLAPPING

I'm impressed.

I really didn't think you'd escape from that gym.

HE LAUGHS

You're a plucky little thing, I'll give you that.

And you're a shame to your country.

-You give what you receive.

-Oh!

So it's the country's fault for betraying you?(!)

Talk about scraping the barrel for reasons to be a traitor!

30 years I've given to MI5, 6, 7, 8 and 9.

And for what? To be overlooked time after time as a field agent.

-Rose?

-'Oscar, I'm on it.

'I'm hacking into the Grand Master's CCTV system now.'

And then 9 delivers the ultimate insult, by again refusing me,

only this time it's because they felt children could do a better job.

CHILDREN!

'Oscar, keep Jed talking. We need him to say more.'

Is that why you tripped me over?

Cos you couldn't bear to be beaten by another child?

Though I do prefer the term "younger adult".

HE LAUGHS

That's it, Jed. Keep on talking...

Switch back...NOW!

JED LAUGHS

'You can't even capture the Grand Master!

-'And what a pathetic creature he is.'

-This is an outrage!

'He's actually paying me to deliver you and your cohorts to him!

'He's so stupid, he can't even find you himself!

'And here's the best bit.

'Not only do I get rid of you obnoxious excuses for spies,

'but I get to bring in the Grand Master myself.'

BE A HERO! It's a win-win situation.

And now...I'm afraid I'm going to have to dispose of you.

The Grand Master loved your speech.

So much so, I think he'd like to tell you personally.

HE LAUGHS

As if I'd fall for that!

ELECTRONIC BLEEPING

'You can run, but you can't hide.'

Who's the champ now, sunbeam?

I'll put the milk in the sprinkler system. Oscar, you set off the alarm.

ALARM BELL RINGS

My wursts! My wursts!

I'm sorry, Papa!

I tried to continue your work!

I tried!

I promised him, you see,

that his wursts would be in every shop in every land!

And everyone addicted to them, getting fatter and fatter.

Nobody said they were perfect.

Take them away, gentlemen.

Your prisons - are they...bad?

Worse than your wurst nightmare.

See what I did there? "Wurst" nightmare?

Milkshakes, come and get your milkshakes!

Strawberry, raspberry and banana, all organic, totally free.

TRUMPING

You wouldn't listen to me.

They do call it junk food for a reason, you know.

TRUMPING CONTINUES

Oh no...

-I think I'm going to...

-TAKE COVER!

HE TRUMPS