Quakermass M.I. High

-What's this?

-The future. I call it new wave goth electro punk.

Don't tell me you've been making music on your computer again.

I've only just got my hearing back from last time.

Do you want to listen to the most important track in history?

DISCORDANT MUSIC

LOUD RUMBLING

-Whoa! It's making the room shake.

-I don't think that's the music.

-I think it's an earthquake.

-SCREAMING

Phase One complete. Time to initiate Phase Two -

-utter destruction.

-EVIL LAUGH

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

Old-school spies have had their day and MI9 must create

a new breed of skilled undercover agent...

..hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

Welcome to MI High.

PHONE PLAYS MUSIC

Yeah?

OK. Be right there.

No, of course I won't tell anyone!

Davina's trapped in the toilet. The ceiling collapsed.

LAUGHTER Hey! Don't forget your iBrick.

Football's cancelled. That'll put my training schedule right out.

Yeah, cos that's really important when we just had an earthquake.

Isn't it brilliant?

This is the first earthquake in this area for hundreds of years.

Do you know how lucky we are to have been here when it happened?

We didn't need to be here.

There have been tremors all across the country.

Have you seen Frank? There's a million repairs to do

and we need to be prepared in case that wasn't the end of it.

It's strange, Mrs King. I can't seem to find a thing.

You do know there's been an earthquake

and there's a lot more damage throughout the rest of the school?

-That's why I've signed us up to Quake Aid.

-Quake Aid?

What's that? Some kind of fizzy drink?

It's a nationwide sponsored run, raising money

-for those affected by the earthquake.

-What a wonderful idea.

-Oh good. I'm glad you think so. I've put your name down.

-Me?

-With my feet?

-There's nothing wrong with your feet,

other than that you rarely use them.

-You're just unfit.

-That's not fair.I'm fitter than you.

I resent that.

I happen to be very fit.

I go to yoga twice a week.

Yoga? Remind me,

that's the one where you spend the whole time sitting down, isn't it?

All right then. How about this?

Whoever drops out of the run first donates £50 to the cause?

Make it 100.

Deal.

Chief Stark? Professor Quakermass here.

There's something I must warn...

Hello.

MI9 switchboard? Professor Quakermass.

Head of MI9 geophysics.

I have vital information. Can you put me through to...?

Yes, the dusty old bloke who used to work in the cellar.

Hello. Hello!

Frank. Professor Quakermass.

Oh, nice to speak to you too.

It's about the earthquake.

I'm afraid it may be much worse than you think.

Sponsorship forms for the run.

Don't lose them...Davina.

That's not fair. I never...

It'll be an hour-long and everyone will be running on the spot.

What's the point in that?

It's called a static sprint and we're very lucky

that the organiser has come along to tell us a little about it.

-Please welcome Well Fit Jim.

-No way.

Hey gang.

Let's get well fit. Give me a J.

-J!

-That's cool.

Save your energy for the run. Smart thinking, gang!

How can anyone take this idiot seriously?

-Should have guessed.

-OK, so he's a bit odd,

but his static sprint classes are revolutionising fitness training.

He invented running on the spot. Someone get the man a Nobel Prize.

That's not all he's done. He invented a new martial art, too.

-Jimdo.

-And named it after himself. What a surprise.

He also runs a homeless fitness charity.

Called?

Well Fit Jim's Homeless Centre.

-Yes, Carrie.

-I'd just like to say I think Well Fit Jim

-and his gyms are an inspiration.

-Thanks, Carrie.

You know what, if I can help just one person

get well fit, I'll be happy.

Are you a Well Fit Jim's Gym gym member?

-No. I'm saving up for a lifetime membership.

-Keep your money.

Dedication to fitness is payment enough.

I'm going to see that you get well fit.

A year's free membership?

Won't need this any more.

You will.

OK. Thanks. I'll get right on that.

I can't believe she's found someone as geeky about fitness as she is.

OK, gang. There is no time to lose.

The quake victims need our support.

And we're going to show it by getting the whole country running

in time to the Well Fit Jim's theme music.

He'll be making a fortune out of this.

Actually, I'm not making a penny.

My gyms were damaged in the tremors, too.

I'm doing this because...

-I'm a victim, too.

-Well, that told you.

BUZZING

BEEPING

BELL RINGS

GRINDING

Frank. The lift isn't working.

'The tremors have put the shaft out of commission.

'You'll have to use the stairs.'

I didn't even know there were stairs.

-I can't see the bottom.

-How many stairs are there?

I had used them once years ago. I lost count at 500.

It's about half a mile down.

Right. We'd better get going, then.

That's better.

Keep In Shape With Well Fit Jim.

We should use the stairs more often, they're great for the quads.

Maybe...probably fix lift.

Gather your strength, agents, I have a mission for you.

-Professor...

-Carry on.

Professor Quakermass used to be head of MI9's natural disasters unit.

He claims to have some important information,

but MI9 brass won't listen to him. I've said we'll hear him out.

Why won't they listen to him?

There's a feeling that since his unit was replaced by a computer,

the professor's been trying to prove his worth by inventing problems.

Oh, great, he's potty.

He's a great man, who at the end of a brilliant career,

may not be quite as effective as he once was.

Yup - potty.

Visit him. See what he has to say.

You couldn't have said this over communicators?

We've got to walk back up the stairs again now.

You haven't got to walk up the stairs.

-No?

-You can always run. It's not like you don't need the exercise!

-Inconceivable, you see.

-I can see when nobody listens to him.

What's this got to do with the earthquakes?

An earthquake felt nationwide should look like this.

-Correct?

-Yes, of course.

-But this is what we experienced.

-That doesn't make sense.

-Precisely - inconceivable.

-So there was more than one earthquake?

26, simultaneously.

In apparently random locations with identical directionality.

The total effect was so strong,

the whole country moved 12 centimetres nearer to France.

-But that's not possible.

-Well, the odds are 22 quintillion to one,

but I think impossible covers it.

OK, that's good news.

If it's that rare, it's not gonna happen again, is it?

I don't know.

Sometimes a tremor like this is just a pre-shock to a much bigger event.

It's impossible to tell, it shouldn't have happened in the first place.

OK, so what could have caused it?

There are six potential causes for earthquakes.

One, plate tectonics. Two, a movement in the earth's mantle.

-We'd have detected either of them.

-Correct. Three, massive vibrations.

In lots of random locations simultaneously with no-one noticing?

-I don't think so.

-Four, sonic boom.

Someone could have set-up a sonic boom at each epicentre?

A sonic boom that powerful would deafen everyone in Europe,

-so the final option, option five...

-You said there were six.

Did I? Sorry, brain not what it used to be.

I meant five.

So, what is option five?

Massive bombs.

But no-one heard any explosions.

-No. Therefore...

-A silent mega-bomb.

Exactly! Well done. Have a biscuit.

It's great you're involved. I didn't think charity was your thing.

Millions of people have signed up. It's like a national party.

And the Scoop never misses a party. Check it.

Four pages filled with sponsors.

Wow! Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare and Rumpelstiltskin.

Yeah, is that the curly-haired kid in Year 8?

-These are fake names. No-one's really sponsored you yet.

-Oh, bruv!

Now I got to totally got to start again.

Still, plenty of time.

Thanks...

Madonna.

-Hope you're running. It'll do you good to get a bit involved.

-Me?

I can hardly walk down a flight of stairs without getting puffed out.

BUZZING

Nothing in the satellite image.

I suppose a silent bomb detonated underground

with an explosion force of... Oh, I need something to write on.

Ah!

A force of less than x3 might be indetectable from space.

Sorry.

Oh! Thank you.

Now, let's try it with a force of less than x2.

Any joy with the map, Carrie?

Um...No.

Nothing yet.

-Ah! Agents. I hope your arrival means you've had an idea.

-Huh?

-You called us.

-No.

-That would be me.

-I thought they could do with the exercise.

-You?

I'm going to...

I'm going to sit down.

Now you're here, you can help with the investigation.

If someone is setting these bombs off, there must be some evidence.

Is that the same map? The symbols are different.

OK, this isn't the quake map,

it's the one showing Well Fit Jim's gyms.

I was looking for the newest one. I think clearer after exercise.

That's weird. The gym locations are exactly the same as the epicentres.

Well spotted, young lady. Have another biscuit.

Could Well Fit Jim have set up a silent bomb at each of his gyms?

Simultaneously destroying all his own businesses? Right.

It's got to be worth taking a look.

He's been ruined and now he's running Quake Aid for free.

Where's his motive? You've been spies too long.

You're seeing bad guys everywhere.

You're seeing good guys even when the evidence points at them.

If he's got nothing to hide, he's got nothing to worry about.

Well, you can do it without me.

Carrie, you don't get to choose which missions you go on.

We'll discuss this later.

In the meantime, I'm sending you recce to Jim's nearest gym.

How exciting. Do I need a disguise?

I've got a pirate costume somewhere.

Actually, I meant the others. Probably best if you stay here.

Oh, quite. Probably ought to start making plans for

reopening my MI9 department anyway.

They're bound to want us back now after this.

I've got a gadget that might help on the mission. Avril's new song.

If we get the enemy to listen to this, it'll fry their brains.

I think I can do better than that.

An old favourite.

The camera contacts. Blink and they record what you've seen,

plus, this, Nominal Olfactory Sense Estimator.

NOSE for short. It detects any evidence of explosive materials.

Won't it be obvious I'm wearing it?

-Don't worry, you can't see it through the moustache.

-What moustache?

-50p a minute? Thanks, Donovan. That's really generous.

-Not really.

You won't last more than 30 seconds.

What are you wearing?

Impressive, innit? It's my designer running gear.

You don't think the heels are too low?

"Let's get well fit. Let's get well fit."

How's your fitness training coming along, Mrs King? £100, wasn't it?

-Well fit!

-"Let's get well fit!"

Your free membership entitles you to use all the facilities.

This is the weights room, essential if you want to get well fit,

but through here is where the magic really happens.

-Hey, gang! Ready to get well fit?

-Well fit!

This is the static sprint room.

Every gym has one.

Sprung floors and speakers connectedto a central sound system

based here at this gym. It means allof my students run together

in harmony wherever they are.

We'll be doing the same when we get well fit at Quake Aid.

It's amazing.

-You've achieved so much.

-Thanks, Carrie. You know, it's really nice

to meet somebody who feels as strongly as I do about fitness.

Ooh, the next static sprint class is about to begin.

-Why don't you try it out?

-Yeah, I'd... Who's that?

Oh, that's just one of my new students. Settling in OK, Carlos?

Si, Senor Jim. I get well fit.

OK, guys, I've got a Jimdo class to take, so I'll leave you to it.

-What are you doing?

-Checking for bomb materials.

Well, you're not going to find any. Where's Rose?

Sorry, senorita.

No speak-ah the English.

Found what you're after?

OK, so I haven't found anything connected to explosives

or earthquakes, yet.

You're not going to find anything. He's clean.

-I'll prove it if I have to.

-This is a bit suspicious.

He spent all his money on underwater real estate.

Maybe he's building an aquarium or maybe he's not very good with money.

Not everyone is a criminal genius, Rose.

Why don't you look for someone with a motive?

-Hola, buenos dias. Gym's clean.

-Great! Now get out.

Let the rest of us who actually believe in human decency

get on with their training.

Maybe she's right. There's no way Jim did this,

he's an idiot. We should look harder for other suspects.

No-one's getting anything out of the earthquakes, apart from Quakermass.

-What's he getting out of it?

-It sounds like he's getting

-his old MI9 department back.

-That's a strong motive.

He is an earthquake specialist.

If anyone would know how to do it, it would be him.

Hang on. He told us the five triggers.

It's not like he's capable of creating any of them.

He told us there were six ways and then changed his mind.

What if there's an easier sixth way and he didn't tell us?

There, Timothy. Now you have one definite real-life sponsor.

Yeah?

How do I know you really are Mrs King?

Of course I'm Mrs King.

-Let me see some ID.

-Oh, I haven't got time for this.

I'm supposed to be training.

I need to get fit enough to beat Mr Flatley.

I mean, to participate in the charity event.

All right. I'll take your word for it this time, Mrs King,

or whoever you are.

It must have been hard when they sacked you.

It was, they think computers can do anything!

But they can't, can they? Sometimes they're totally useless.

I bet you'd like to show them just how useless they are.

How far would you go, Professor?

Now, wait a minute. You don't think I had anything to do with this?

-Did you?

-Gosh, me? A super-villain. How exciting.

Are you absolutely sure?

-What makes you think he's involved?

-He has expertise and the motive.

They're right. I have.

I was furious when they sacked me.

Do you think I went mad?

Maybe I did it without knowing.

Some sort of memory gas.

Professor, what's the sixth way of starting an earthquake?

There isn't one. At least I don't think there is.

Maybe I brainwashed myself into thinking that?

Gosh, I'm a fiend.

Professor, if you're holding anything back,

now is the time to tell us.

Well, I don't deny it does look bad.

Apart from the ferry companies, I'm the only person to gain by it.

Hang on. What do you mean, ferry companies?

Well, France is now 12 centimetres nearer.

-Technically, they'll save on petrol.

-Is that worth investigating?

No, no. There was no way of predicting how far

Britain would move during the earthquake. A few metres more

-and they'd have been out of business.

-Why?

The clash of continental plates would have forced the land to the surface.

-You could have walked to France.

-That's it.

-That's the motive we've been looking for, I've got it.

-Well done, Rose.

But I have to warn you, I'm out of biscuits.

The worthless real-estate Well Fit Jim has is under the Channel.

If it comes to the surface, it'll be worth trillions.

Rose, you need to forget about him. Carrie's right. He's clean.

No. Carrie's not right.

Carrie was wrong about him all along.

Carrie feels like a mug for the way she behaved.

It is Well Fit Jim and I know how he's doing it.

-Earthquake cause number three.

-Number three? Massive vibrations?

His static sprint classes are wired together

and all 20,000 runners run in the same direction at the same time.

The rhythm creates vibrations which set off the tremors.

-Brilliant!

-Quake Aid.

He's about to do the same thing with 25 million people.

-What kind of effects could Quake Aid cause?

-Oh, well, let's see.

Thank you, Frank.

X=(4x3)...

Category 12. Wipeout.

Every building in the UK destroyed.

This must have been his plan all along.

The minor tremors gave him the excuse to launch Quake Aid.

-He's going to change the face of Europe.

-Not if we stop him.

Millions of people are doing statics prints.

We've only got time to stop a fraction.

We just need to stop them running in rhythm with each other.

-Disrupt the waves. Quite right.

-The music's pumped from a gym near here.

If we can get there, we can switch off the beat everyone runs to.

Ready to run up the stairs one more time?

Never readier. Let's kick bottom!

Professor, probably better if you stay here

and help me bring MI9 up to date.

Yes. Yes, quite right. Well, good luck, agents.

Let's go!

Hi, gang. This is Well Fit Jim calling out to everyone in the UK

from Well Fit Jim's central gym.

We're about to start the music, so make sure you're warmed up.

It's time to get well fit.

CHEERING

What a great cause this is, Mrs King.

I'm sure they'll really be able to use your £100.

Your £100, I think you mean, Mr Flatley.

Well, we'll see. We'll see.

May the best teacher win.

It's got to be here somewhere. We're running out of time.

"Get ready, gang. When the music stops, remember to keep in rhythm."

Follow the wire!

-There must be a secret room. Look for a button or a lever.

-No time.

Hey, Jim. Ready to get well flattened?

Sorry, Carrie. You're too late.

Here we go, gang. Let's change the world!

EVIL LAUGH

-MUSIC THUMPS

-Here we go.

Good luck, Mr Flatley.

-Thank you, Mrs King.

-You'll need it.

HE CRIES OUT

-What's that?

-Jimdo.

Luckily I'm a black belt.

SHE CRIES OUT

THEY BOTH SHOUT OUT

Did you really think you could defeat me

using a martial art I invented myself?

-With help from the earthquake you invented, too.

-Quick. Shut it down.

Is the ground shaking?

You're probably just a little bit dizzy.

After all this exercise, Mrs King.

Would you like to concede?

Certainly not.

Keep going, everyone!

We've got the rhythm, we don't need the music.

People must have kept running when the music stopped.

We can't let the whole country get flattened.

There must be something we can do.

We could do something to make everyone lose their rhythm.

-How?

-Trust me.

AVRIL'S MUSIC BLARES OUT

Losers!

THUD! LAUGHTER

-We did it.

-Consider your free membership withdrawn.

I can't believe I believed in him.

I guess I'm so used to people thinking I'm weird about fitness

that it was nice to find someone who felt the same.

Don't beat yourself up. 25 million other people believed in him, too.

Besides, you're right. I see evil geniuses everywhere I look.

And I don't see them when they're staring me in the face.

Still, I think it's important to see the best in people.

It's a great attitude. I think I'll try it.

From now on, wherever I look, I'll see people as good geniuses.

Well, don't look over there, then.

Did you hear? That weird music was voted worst song of all time.

I heard it was so bad all the dogs went crazy.

I thought it was good. It sounds like my new wave goth electro punk.

-You left it in the classroom.

-What did you think?

I honestly think that this music could save the world.

There's no need to be sarcastic.

Has anyone seen Mrs King or Mr Flatley?

I could keep going like this for hours.

I'm just warming up.

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