The Wasp M.I. High

The WASP system has transformed every other under-performing school

in the country and we'll be the last to go live.

They say it can turn things round in a day.

They also say you should be careful what you wish for, Mrs King.

I wish, Mr Flatley,

oh, how I wish...

I wish we could change St Hope's forever.

-MAN:

-Your wish is my command.

-EVIL CHUCKLE

The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

Old-school spies have had their day

and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent.

Hidden in a place no villain will think to look.

Welcome to MI High.

Now, somebody very special is joining our school today.

I'd like to give a warm St Hope's welcome

to Amber Bayes.

Pardon?

Um, sir, I think you just thanked Amber for all the sausages.

Maybe you meant hello and welcome to our school.

Now, I think it would be a good idea

if everyone learned some basic signed English phrases

to make Amber feel at home. So if you could break into pairs, please.

I'll go with Amber, if that's OK.

Umm... Earth to Planet Avril.

Her nose is huge.

Good morning, class.

-Hey?

-Huh?

-What's up?

-SHE SIGHS

-Huge!

Ah! It's alive!

Now, Mr Flatley,

let's see if this thing works here as well as it has everywhere else.

-Say something rude.

-I'd rather not, Mrs King.

-Oh, go on!

Maybe speak like one of the students. Use some slang.

I know you're excited about meeting your idol

but I am not about to take part in this strange experiment.

Mr Flatley, where did you put the attendance register?

-Oh, um, in the cupboard.

-On top of the cupboard?

-No, in the cupboard.

-On the cupboard?

-In the cupboard.

-On it?

-In it. In it! Innit!

Slang word punished.

Ah! Oh!

It burned my tongue!

It burned your tongue. Brilliant!

Lady Blahga really is a genius!

A MAN LAUGHS EVILLY

Throw that brick at me, would you?

There's an offer you can't refuse.

The bebop disruptor.

Uses jazz to stop lasers, bullets, even missiles.

Um, couldn't you have tried hip-hop?

You know? Hip-hop.

It's all about the rhythm.

Team, MI9 have picked up intel about a Plan BBB,

designed to sabotage the WASP system.

You mean those dodgy unit things around the school?

Whoever's behind it is trying to blow up the WASP by flooding

-St Hope's with electro-sonic power.

-But that's highly unstable.

And it looks like the computer can't lock down the source.

As the electro-sonic power surge gathers pace we'll see

light bulbs blowing, electrical appliances malfunctioning

and in...two hours the system will be completely overloaded.

And could potentially blow up the entire school.

Wait, two hours?

Isn't that when Mrs King's VIP is getting here?

Lady Blahga, the country's leading education tsar who invented

the WASP and we're the last under-performing

-school to have it installed.

-So she's the target?

-It looks like it.

We need to stop the surge and find out who's behind Plan BBB.

There's a new girl being transferred in today. She could be behind it.

We'll explore all options. Crack the code,

find out where the surge is coming from and stop it.

Oscar, get close to this new pupil.

Guys? The WASP system's just gone live

and I think we've got a problem with Amber.

Good morning, class.

Haven't we done this?

I said, good morning.

All right?

That is totally grim.

Well rank!

That's whack!

-COMPUTER:

-Multiple stings administered.

Pupils' correction process under way.

My tongue! It burnt my tongue!

Well, perhaps you should have used your tongue properly.

Now listen up, everyone. There will be some big changes around here.

Anyone using slang will be punished.

-MAN:

-Plan BBB's time has come. Just a little more power.

-Sounds like the WASPs system's up and running.

-OK.

Have you cracked that code yet?

Blown to bits isn't really a good summer look for me.

Whoever put it together really knows their stuff. If you relieve Oscar...

Oh, my goodness. We can't have Lady Blahga walking on that!

Carrie, go and find some carpet cleaner at once.

Um, miss, but it's really skanky.

The only thing that is really sk...

what you just said, is your language.

We need to show Lady Blahga that we're better

than all the other WASP schools.

The Beige Academy For Boys. I mean, really!

Kneehigh High School for Girls?

And I doubt even the WASP could help St Croak's.

I want us to be the leading light. I want us to sparkle.

Now see to it, young lady.

Ow!

It can't be that bad, can it?

I mean, just speak properly and politely and it won't sting you.

That's easy for you to say.

So, I saw you in front of the WASP unit.

We had them at my other school, St Croak's.

-They make great mirrors. My hair's such a mess.

-Makes total sense.

No, no, that's not what I meant. It doesn't look messy.

-It looks great.

-You think?

-Oh, yeah.

It looks really... Well, really brown.

Nice and brown. I had a guinea pig with hair like that.

No, I...

-Just ignore me. I got it wrong.

-Got what wrong?

Nothing. Don't listen to me.

-Sometimes I find it really hard to be just...

-Yourself?

-Yeah.

-We're the same.

-We are? I don't... I don't...

I don't think you should do that.

-COMPUTER:

-Analysing handwriting.

Oh, that's well fierce, you know.

This totally sucks.

Watch what you say, everyone.

This is... This is...

This is most distressing.

Oh, I am good.

Guys, it looks like the power surge has come from a school, St Croak's.

St Croak's. Are you sure? That was Amber's old school.

-You should arrest her right now.

-'Negative, Oscar,'

you must be certain. Rose, now you know where it's coming from,

-stop that surge.

-Frank.

All right?

I mean, er, hello, Mrs King.

I didn't know there was such a refined character underneath

-that rough exterior, Frank.

-Nah, nah, love.

I mean, I'm a geezer, right?

Cor blimey.

How can I help?

Lady Blahga's arriving any moment

and the lights keep going on and off.

I'll do my best, Mrs King.

You know, there's a lot more to you than meets the eye, Frank.

Or should that be...Francis, perhaps?

Do try not to breathe so heavily, Philip darling.

You're disturbing the air particles around my face

-and you know how sensitive my skin gets.

-Yes, dear.

Oh, a welcoming committee!

-Does it sing?

-Oh, I'm sure she could...

-You're from Birmingham.

-Yes, I am, Lady Blahga.

-I am sorry.

Now then, young thing, how about a tour of your lovely school?

-I'm not allowed to speak to strangers, Miss.

-Sarcasm alert.

It's Lady, not Miss, my naughty little puppy.

Carry on like that and the only thing you'll miss is your tongue.

-So what did your parents call their little comedian?

-This is Carrie.

Oh, how wonderful. Our poodle was a Carrie, wasn't it, Philip? Philip?

-Breathe if you must, Philip.

-Yes, dear.

We had it stuffed.

And the electro-sonic power surge has been well and truly Gupta-ed.

I don't understand.

There are more sources.

CHUCKLES

I knew it. No more buzzing down here, you stupid Mr WASP, you.

I can say exactly what I like, how I like.

You...snot-breathed, bogey-burping...

BUZZING

Ah. How very thorough.

Amber, is there anything you want to tell me?

Like...something secret.

-Something that's been playing on your mind.

-You mean...?

What? No, No. I didn't mean...

-I'm... I'm not...

-Counting down?

Um...lunch time. I always look forward to it.

I could eat a horse.

I didn't mean that literally, Avril.

I declare that our dire circumstances demand a protest.

Why are you talking like that?

It appears to be by far the safest form of expression.

Just speak normally.

On my honour, I am following their fine example.

Switching to keystroke mode.

It's going to sting her.

-COMPUTER:

-Scanning sonic vibrations.

You have stolen everything from me! Villain!

Leave me my passions at least!

-Dissenting voice.

-SHE SCREAMS

-I am most vexed.

-Was it like this at St Croak's?

AVRIL SCREAMS

Apart from that bit.

-You're back.

-My cover's been compromised.

The WASP won't let me use my caretaker voice.

Great news about your breakthrough. For a minute I thought we were...

-You haven't stopped it yet?

-I was wrong.

The code's hiding more than one source and I can't stop the surge until I've found them all.

We're very proud of our facilities, Lady Blahga. Very proud.

State-of-the-art. No expense spared.

What on earth has happened here?

Um, it's having a little rest.

Oh. Modern technology, eh? Amazing.

-I'll get my man to have a look at that.

-Use mine. Philip!

-Good morning, children.

-Good morning, Lady Blahga.

I can see St Hope's is following in the footsteps of St Croak's.

Is the main control unit in your office?

Oh, yes, Lady Blahga.

-Come, Philip.

-Yes, dear.

Are you OK?

Oh. I'm clumsy, too. We're the same.

Hey, she's just cleaning her jumper.

-On my soul, she has bewitched you, Oscar.

-This is proper random. Ow!

My leg! I've had enough of this.

I do declare the WASP's demise must be hastened without delay.

Hang on, where did that come from?

Repeated exposure to the WASP's sting must make you so anxious about

expressing yourself freely that you become excessively polite and nice.

Progressive effect from speech to behaviour.

-Very clever.

-Oh, maybe we should be thanking Lady Blahga.

Everyone being polite and nice is no bad thing.

Yeah, well, you can't force people.

Why's the countdown still going?

St Croak's was only one of the sources. I've just decoded another.

-Kneehigh High School.

-Amber doesn't know anything, I asked her.

Oh, that's OK then, because criminals always tell the truth, don't they?

Oscar could be right. Amber didn't go to both schools. There must be

something connecting them.

Philip Blahga knew exactly where the spare lightbulbs were kept.

Maybe he's been here before, sabotaging the system.

Or maybe you've got too close to your new friend.

It can't be easy in the shadow of such a successful wife.

-It's not hard to find a motive.

-He's avoiding the subject.

We don't have time for this. Rose, crack the rest of the code.

Go to the records room, check the files,

see if Philip Blahga has been here before.

Always been good with computers, haven't you, Philip?

-Yes, dear.

-Do stop agreeing with me all the time.

-I grow weary of it.

-Yes, dear.

I've read all three volumes of your autobiography, Lady Blahga.

-Charming.

-And I've got your portrait on my kitchen wall.

-Charming.

I'm telling you, I'm right. Amber's innocent.

Oh, Oscar, you're such a... BUZZING

..foolish young man.

Philip Blahga!

Oscar, you're right.

Philip Blahga has been here before.

They both have. They were teachers.

I'm sorry, maybe Amber isn't our suspect after all.

The Beige Academy, Kneehigh High School, St Croak's.

Where have I heard those names before?

Frank, you won't believe this.

The power's coming from the schools where the WASP's installed.

-BEEPING

-Oscar?

Philip Blahga taught science at St Hope's 30 years ago.

That's how he met his wife, Octavia Butt.

Taught English but left when she couldn't control the class.

Lady Blahga was Octavia Butt?

Well, it says here the pupils called her Buttface.

-ZAP!

-Ah!

But why cover it up?

Incredible, this whole thing could be an act of revenge.

You mean Lady Blahga's using her own system to blow up St Hope's?

Oscar, evacuate the building then detain Lady Blahga and her husband.

Wait for us outside.

'Rose, you've got ten minutes.'

FIRE ALARM RINGS

Oscar, there isn't a fire!

There will be if Rose doesn't hurry up.

Now, let's go and give Lady Blahga a big, warm MI9 welcome.

I think we ought to summon the chaps now, Philip.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with T.

Two nasty men coming to tie you up.

Ah, all present and correct, Mrs King.

Is the hour for luncheon upon us?

Yes.

I suppose it is.

Ah, verily, let us go picnic in the sunshine

and play games until it is time for lessons once again.

Now, I may be going out on a limb here but I'm assuming

that you didn't realise that the WASP system allows me to hear

everything that's being said in the school.

You won't get away with this.

Oh, listen to him, all oily defiance and speaking through his nose.

Not so much MI9 as MI whine, eh?

You'd blow up your own invention just to get revenge on St Hope's?

St Hope's is merely a symptom,

like the other filthy schools where I tested my beautiful system.

No, I want to cure the disease, create a better behaved Britain.

Plan BBB.

Philip, I think we'd better accelerate our plans.

Philip!

Gah! Yes, dear.

Listen, time to initiate Plan BBB.

The whole of Britain is about to become better behaved,

-whether it wants to or not.

-Yes, dear.

Do those pipes go all the way down to the basement?

Yeah.

COMPUTER: Unfamiliar sonic patterns.

Installing translation upgrade.

Hurry up, Rose, seven seconds to go.

I can't stop it!

METALLIC TAPPING

Doesn't sound like much of an explosion.

It's Morse code.

Lady Blahga's got Oscar,

and she's going to send the WASP's electro-sonic signal national.

It wasn't a plan to blow up the school.

She's been gathering all the electro-sonic power

to supercharge the central control unit.

Look, she's doing it now!

The WASP's going nationwide.

We have to stop it. Where's your trumpet?

I can't jam with you now, we're in the middle of a national crisis.

The power of jazz may be the only chance we have right now, Frank.

I can't believe I just said that.

-ZAP!

-'Morse code detected and punished.'

Morse code? Clever little poodle.

Sadly, we designed WASP to learn.

It just takes a little time.

Pity we can't do the same with children, eh?

Still... You'd look rather good on my mantelpiece

next to Carrie the poodle. Don't you think, Philip?

-Blonde bookends.

-Yes, dear.

-DOOR OPENS

I think you'll find the Music Room is down the corridor.

Eat jazz.

My electro-sonic wave is too powerful.

-You should have tried hip-hop.

-That's what I said!

Stop this now before it's too late!

Oh, it is too late. You see, with all this power, the whole

world will now feel the WASP's sting and finally they will respect me.

This isn't the way, Lady Blahga. I know about your past at St Hope's.

-What happened to you was wrong. The name-calling...

-Silence!

But that doesn't make what you're doing now right.

-You've become twisted.

-Enough! Shh!

-You can't make people be nice.

You need to show them why they're wrong so they can make

-the right choices for the right reasons.

-Remove her.

Before I lose my temper and have all three of them stuffed.

Good afternoon, sir.

-Afternoon.

-Good afternoon, Mrs King.

Good afternoon, boys.

You know,

I almost miss the challenge.

Yes, I miss the playground banter.

Yeah, it's...

-It's... It's well...

-Yes?

..naff!

Oh! Ow!

Now go and check the other corridors.

The system works by tracking inappropriate words, right?

So we need to overload it.

What would be the worst word in the world for Lady Blahga,

one she couldn't bear above all others?

Buttface. Ah!

-Thanks.

-But there aren't enough of us to say it.

The system would cope. We need to make it work harder.

It slowed down when it translated Scoop's writing,

Avril's typing, even my Morse code.

Maybe we could say

that word in another language, one it doesn't know.

Well, it would really struggle with your Spanish.

-Si, senorita.

-Be quiet, you two.

Whatever is she saying?

She's saying, "Do you know kung fu?"

-MI25.

-We've had our eye on Blahga for some time.

St Croak's Secondary School For Girls was just a cover.

We ARE the same.

I thought we were the only ones.

This is incredible.

When our power went down, we followed the drain to St Hope's.

We still have time.

Let's kick Blahga's...

-Butt?

-Ha! Finally.

That's it! The system's buzzing me for saying a rude word

-but it didn't buzz Amber for signing it.

-So?

So that's how we'll make it work harder.

We'll make it learn the worst word in the world.

Further chaos as people everywhere are being nice.

This is what we've worked for, Philip,

all these years.

-Hey.

-What's the meaning of this?

You'll just have to trust us. Make this sign with your hands.

-Is it rude?

-LAUGHS

I'll do it.

-COMPUTER:

-Installing translation upgrade.

Profanity alert.

System resources at maximum.

Buttface alert. Multiple buttfaces everywhere.

Brilliant, Rose, buttface.

Cannot respond. Overload.

Overload, overload, overload, overload, overload!

Philip, do something.

Say something!

Buttface!

It can't sting me any more.

I can say whatever I want!

Strike a light on the old Joanna, my son.

Chip, chip, shamow!

Come on, you Spurs!

Shiver me timbers, Jim lad! Oh!

Chamone!

The WASP system is decommissioned. Well done, team.

And to you, Agent Bayes, you've done MI25 proud.

The Government must be pretty pleased with what we're doing,

bringing in other teenage spies and everything.

Maybe Amber should leave MI25?

What I'm trying to say is we're the same.

Um...

I work alone.

-She's lovely.

-Yeah.

-What's she doing?

-It's a highly complex code

combining alphabetical and numerical characters.

-Can you translate?

-It'll take time. The sequencing's totally unfamiliar.

T-X-T-M-E-0-7-9...

Whoah, whoah, whoah!

Text me?

It's her phone number.

Oh, yeah.

E-mail [email protected]