The Crystal of St Helena M.I. High

This information had better be good, Madame Elvira.

You know the routine.

First you must cross my palm with silver, darling.

Drop the act, Elvira. I'm not one of your gullible punters.

What have you heard?

Thank you, darling. You are familiar with the Crystal Of St Helena?

Of course.

So, it appears, is The Grand Master.

Go on.

He has great interest in this crystal and is very close

to discovering its location.

Ha-ha-ha! That crystal was lost over 2,000 years ago.

The Grand Master has no chance.

You're wasting my time.

No, no, he has put together a crack team,

the best in the business, apparently.

He believes they will find it by the end of today.

And once they have found it, The Grand Master plans to use

the crystal to power a weapon -

a weapon of ferocity never before seen.

Where did you get this information?

An American who goes by the name of Hal McMasters.

McMasters. Yes, I know him - a weapons expert kicked out of the CIA.

And now working for The Grand Master

building his super gun.

Stark, this is a code red. I need a list of every available MI9 agent.

Oh, there must be some others?

Tell me there's some others.

Hm-hm! I had no idea fortune-telling

could be so lucrative, Flopsy! Hm-hm!

Hm-hm-ha-ha-ha!

'The 21st century faces a new kind of threat.

'Old school spies have had their day

'and MI9 must create a new breed of skilled undercover agent...'

'..hidden in a place no villain will think to look.'

Welcome to MI High.

The Grand Master is very close to building a super-weapon

with a power the world has never seen.

You're not my first choice for such a mission, but needs must.

Nice to be appreciated(!)

You said "close to", so he can still be stopped?

Yes, as he's missing one vital component. Allow me to introduce you

to the renowned archaeologist Vincent Argyle -

another so-called teenage expert.

Please call me Vinnie. Vincent is so baroque.

Very good. I've read your book.

The one on the collapse of the Byzantine culture.

Fascinating read.

If you don't mind(!) International emergency, remember.

This is the missing component we must get to before The Grand Master.

An artist's impression based on every fact we know about it.

Known as the Crystal Of St Helena,

it was stolen from the Temple of Artemis in 26 BC by this man -

Marcus Pessimist. Roman general by day, thief by night,

he plundered everywhere he went, stockpiling silver, gold,

diamonds, anything of value.

Thanks for the history lesson, but how's this going to help us

find the crystal before The Grand Master?

Please be patient.

Pessimist got wind that the Senate were onto him

so he did a runner, taking with him all his riches and, we suspect,

the crystal.

Complete and ready for action, sir.

Place the crystal into this cavity and you can create enough power

to make an entire city disappear.

Music to my ears.

Without the crystal this machine is inoperative -

about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

Yes, I get your gist. I can see why the CIA fired you.

Such negativity!

-What's so amazing about the crystal anyway?

-It is believed

to be made from pure tritemorite.

What exactly is tritemorite?

Well, apart from being extremely rare, tritemorite is an element

100 times more powerful than plutonium.

it makes the nuclear bomb look like a cap gun.

I wish I hadn't asked.

My source tells me that The Grand Master has despatched a crack team

to locate it and bring it to him.

OSCAR: Do we have any intel on this team?

None, except that they have been very highly trained.

Pessimist kept a diary. It's exhibited in the National Museum.

I suggest we start there.

-Isn't that where we're going for a field trip next week?

-The trip's

been brought forward. The coach is leaving in five minutes.

Take this. I call her MAUD - multi application utility device.

Whoa! Is this a laser?

Yes, it can cut through tungsten carbide in a matter of seconds.

This is an infra-red atomiser,

and here is a miniaturised version

-of our old friend the SHOW machine.

-Nice.

I've arranged mobile back up. Shout when you need it.

And be extra vigilant. You must get to that crystal

before the SKUL agents.

All right, boys and girls. This way. Follow me.

Right, now gather round because today

we're going to be shown some items of great historical importance...

..Most of which are irreplaceable so do not touch.

In fact, don't even breathe over anything.

Am I understood?

Uh!

You of all people should heed my words, Timothy.

One foot out of place and you will be history...if you get my gist.

Yes, Mrs King.

As well as decorative, they also had a practical use

as an early wall insulation.

Davina!

Sorry, Miss.

Arguably the most famous example is the Bayeux Tapestry...

..though in fact the Bayeux isn't a tapestry at all...

but is an embroidered cloth.

The art of tapestry weaving, or as Le Corbusier once aptly called them,

nomadic murals, has been practised since at least the third century BC.

This one here documents the hunting of a wild deer - a feast for a week.

That is so barbaric. The Earth provides plenty of food

without having to resort to murder.

And if you all turn around, over here is the diary of Marcus Pessimist.

Ah, it's a caribou.

I beg your pardon.

The tapestry. It's not a deer, it's a caribou, which,

as the caribou is native to North America,

suggests that the tapestry is a fake.

There is nothing fake in my museum.

Then I must be mistaken. Please forgive me.

And if I can redirect your attention

back...to the diary of Marcus Pessimist.

And if you all follow me...

OSCAR: It would help if I knew what we were looking for.

-Thanks for your help there.

-You're welcome. Anything in the diary

to point us in the direction of the crystal?

"As my health wanes, my wealth grows.

"I've secreted away my fortune. Its location will be with me always,

-"viewed, but never seen."

-Viewed, but never seen.

-But with him always.

-A grave is viewed.

-Could he have had it buried with him?

-Hardly.

Please, I'm trying to concentrate.

The location of the treasure will be with him always.

Viewed, but never seen.

That suggests a map of some kind concealed under something.

With him always. Some kind of image of Pessimist maybe?

BOTH: His portrait!

-It's being exhibited here, I'm sure of it.

-The portrait room.

May I enquire, sir, as to whether you identified your first target?

There are so many to choose from.

Once we have the crystal, the whole world will be at my mercy.

Look closely on that stone there.

You'll be able to see the skeleton of a one-million-year-old crustacean.

It would have to be a very crushed Alsatian to fit on there.

The clue to the location is beneath the paint.

We'll need to remove that top layer. The painting will be ruined.

No need.

-And that is?

-SHOW machine.

Like a mini X-ray machine. It exposes whatever's beneath the surface.

Wow! How do I get one of those?

By joining MI9.

I might just do that.

Oscar, can you smell gooseberries?

-Oh, no, that'll be us.

-Hm.

Go back.

There.

It looks like some sort of monument.

It is. It's Blacklock Monument.

-Is it close?

-Very.

Frank, we could use that mobile back up now.

Hello.

Hm.

Stop!

No, no, no! No, it's not what it looks like.

I wasn't going to take it. I was just putting it back up.

Oh, yeah, yeah(!) Likely story.

I know an international art thief when I see one.

No, no. Come on, it's my final warning.

Oh!

Oi! Come back here!

No uniform for me?

Sorry, they don't make one in tweed(!)

-I suppose I do look a little...

-Dweeby?

Right.

This chap is Hitraticus, the enigmatic leader of the fiercest army

-in history.

-He's so smooth.

Don't touch. That piece is priceless.

Hitraticus honed...

Don't tell me - Mrs King's thrown a wobbly about me going AWOL,

now I'm toast.

No, she hadn't noticed you'd gone.

Really?

Wicked. Ha-ha! My luck is turning.

..During this time.

As I was saying, Hitraticus's reputation on the battlefield

is an impressive one. According to legend,

he once slew a unit of two dozen imperial guards single-handedly.

So much so that a bounty of 10,000 denarii, which is about

quarter of a million pounds in today's terms... And onwards.

I seem to have mislaid my pointer.

The clue must be here somewhere.

We just have to find it.

Oh, well, I can see why you were snapped up by MI9(!)

-The point I was trying to make...

-Yap, yap! Let's get on with it.

We're running out of time.

He's a bit full of himself, isn't he?

It's his passion, Oscar. Don't take it so personally.

Hey, Vinnie, wait up!

Hey, let's go and find that clue before them, yeah?

Yeah. Let's do that.

You're young to be an archaeologist.

You're young to be a spy.

Touche. I've always loved archaeology.

Studying the way people used to live

in the past can tell us so much about...

..how we became who we are today.

Exactly.

Hey! We win! Take a look at this.

-Look.

-An inscription.

Though it doesn't make any sense.

A 13 and a 7. Any ideas what that could mean?

-They're both prime numbers?

-One unlucky and one lucky?

No, it's much simpler than that. It's a date. Oscar, look up

Pessimist's diary entry from the 13th of July.

"Loose leafs are like loose tongues.

"They reveal the best kept secrets."

-So we're looking for a plant of some kind.

-No, not leaves, Cassie, leafs.

It's Carrie.

He's talking about a leaf from a book.

-A page.

-Correct. But what book?

Well, these fell out of the diary in the museum.

It's a cipher sheet.

In Pessimist's time, this was all the vogue.

A code that was invisible.

Just holes, but put these holes in the right place

and there you have your answer. Basic, but brilliant.

-The inscription.

-Ah-ha-ha!

S-W-E-E-N-S.

-Sweens.

-No. They're compass points. South, west, east, etcetera.

That's what I said - sweens.

There's a sundial at the centre of the stone.

I'll do it.

I think Pessimist enjoyed setting this trail.

I know. It's like he's playing a game with us from beyond the grave.

-I love these kind of games!

-Isn't it brilliant?

-Fab!

E... N...

Sweens!

RUMBLING

-Ugh!

-It's just spiders.

Come on. Let's go.

He's keen.

RUMBLING

Great(!)

I guess we're going this way.

Our team are getting closer to the crystal, Flopsy.

Time to choose our first target.

-Dead end.

-Or another puzzle.

Is it just me or is there something about him that doesn't quite fit?

No. I just think he's, well... self obsessed. That's all.

Hey, guys, give him a break, OK? He's helping us, isn't he?

-RINGING

-Oh, no. Frank!

The Grand Master's just revealed his first target.

Big Ben. He's going to vaporise Big Ben.

Oscar, Carrie, Rose, do you read?

STATIC

HQ to field. Please respond.

-They must be in a black spot.

-The entire nation will be a black spot

if we don't stop The Grand Master getting that crystal!

They are doing the best they can.

I'll check the GPS, see if we can get a fix.

MOBILE RINGS

I told you never to use this number unless it was an emergency.

What?

-Are you sure?

-Madame Elvira - she's one of your informants, isn't she?

She was found tied and gagged in her tent.

Someone even dressed up in her clothes and pretended to be her.

It was a man too.

Who would fall for that?

Hey, I think I've found something.

"Exeunt." It's another world for exit. It's Latin.

It's solid. We're going to have to cut through it.

Cover your eyes.

Done.

Well, one of us is going to have to put our hand in there.

-I'll do it.

-No, you're just an advisor. I'll do it.

Agh!

Oscar!

Couldn't resist!

AGH!

You won't fool us twice, Oscar.

-I don't think he's joking this time.

-Something's got my wrist.

It's a Roman snare. Oscar, the more you resist,

the more it will pull you in.

Try to relax.

That's kind of hard right now.

-MAUD, where is it?

-It's in his pocket.

Which one's the cutter?

Hurry, quickly, he's suffocating!

BUZZING

OSCAR GASPS

This Marcus Pessimist is really starting to annoy me.

What can you feel?

Just a small hole.

How big is the hole?

About so big.

It's a key.

RUMBLING

Look.

Tritemorite. We've just made one

of the greatest scientific discoveries

in the history of mankind.

And possibly the most destructive.

Can I hold it?

No, I'll take it.

Now, how are we going to get out of here?

My guess is we climb that.

How deep underground are we? It seems to go on for ever.

I'll go first.

-It could be booby trapped.

-Let's go.

MOBILE RINGS

You have it. Excellent work.

I'll be right over. What's your location?

I'm not sure. I've activated the tracker.

You should find us.

Who are you talking to?

I've been dreading this moment, as inevitable as it was.

What do you mean?

The team that The Grand Master sent to fetch the crystal...

That's us, Rose.

You're working for The Grand Master?

Yeah! Sorry(!)

Move.

Frank.

I think I may have made a bit of a booboo.

None of us are perfect.

A big booboo actually.

It was Madame Elvira that gave me the tip off...

Go on.

..or who I thought was Madame Elvira.

It's not good, Frank.

The man impersonating her was The Grand Master.

But why would he tip you off about looking for the crystal?

He'd know you'd send a team of agents...

He used you. He's using MI9.

It's a trap and I've sent my team straight into it.

Oscar, Carrie, Rose, do you read?

Come on. We've got to find them.

How did they fight in that? It must weigh a ton.

-What this needs is a chunky black belt - break up the silver.

-Hm.

-Huh!

-Agghhh!

Ha-ha! Whoa...

Help!

Help, I'm stuck!

We're back in the museum.

-I'll call Frank.

-That's not a good idea!

If you're wondering, this is the prototype of The Grand Master's

super-weapon. The amount of tritemorite that powers this

is the size of a pin head.

It could vaporise the three of you in the blink of an eye!

Think what the big gun will do!

How can you live with yourself?

Sometimes you have to do terrible things

in order to achieve your ends.

-Now, give me the crystal.

-Don't.

I really don't want to harm you, any of you, but I will if I have to.

Now hand it over.

If the Grand Master builds that super-weapon,

there could be hundreds of thousands of victims -

-innocent people, every one of them.

-I will use this if you force me to.

Let him. My life is nothing

compared to the devastation the Grand Master's super-weapon will create.

I knew there was a reason I didn't like you.

You're a traitor.

Sticks and stones!

Don't make me do it.

He's not worth it, Oscar.

It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.

The crystal AND the MI9 agents. Vinnie, you've surpassed yourself.

That's far enough, Grand Master.

-Vinnie, I don't understand.

-These three, you can have, no charge,

but this little beauty I'm keeping for myself.

YOU are double-crossing ME?

Don't act so surprised. You trained me.

What will you do with it? Without the weapon, it's worthless.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

This is tritemorite - the rarest element on our planet

and a thousand times more valuable than diamonds.

Now, if you wouldn't mind...

Goodbye, Rose.

I'll never forget you.

Ditto.

CRACK!

DOOR SHUTS

I wish he'd stop doing that.

Come on. We need to find Vinnie.

Split up. He can't have got far.

The Grand Master - we lost him in the museum.

Give it up, Vinnie.

Oh, Rose, why couldn't you just leave it?

It's my job.

Don't even think about it.

-Join me.

-What?

You and me, we make a great team, Rose.

Your brilliance and my...guile. We're premier league, Rose.

Don't you dare compare me with you. You're a liar and a traitor.

I did what I had to do and believe me when I say I hated deceiving you.

But money's more important, is it?

Oh, not at all. It's simply a means to an end.

There are so many wonderful things out there, Rose,

still to be discovered - Noah's Ark, the lost city of Atlantis,

-the Holy Grail.

-The lost world of Lemuria too, I suppose?

-Yes.

Lemuria - hidden miles beneath the Pacific Ocean.

It could blow the lid off evolutionary thinking,

but it takes money, lots of it,

if these artefacts and places are to be found.

That's why I did this.

You and me together, we have the brainpower and the skill

to be the greatest explorers that ever lived.

We've already proved that by finding the crystal.

Think what else we could achieve, Rose.

-But that'll make me as bad as you.

-I'm not bad.

Impassioned, yes.

Driven by my love of archaeology, guilty as charged, but not bad.

Surely you can see that.

Then do the right thing. You helped find the crystal.

As a civilian, you might get a reward, enough for your expeditions.

You know that would never happen, Rose, but what could

is you and me could walk out of here now

and start the greatest adventure ever.

Come on, Rose.

What do you say?

Anything?

Well, where's Rose?

I've tried her communicator, her mobile - nothing.

Have you any idea what you've thrown away?

Somebody take him away, please.

Where's the crystal?

Lock this away.

Rose, are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine - a little wiser, maybe.

..12, 13, 14...

-Oh, dear, we're four short.

-Oh, for goodness' sake!

Where are Rose, Carrie, Oscar and Timothy?

TOGETHER: Here, sir!

LAUGHTER

You'd better have a very good excuse for this.