Dust Bag Love Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

Arghhh!

Look at this place!

Eddie.

Eddie!

People say the most fearsome creature known to man is the lion.

Not true. An angry Mum is far more deadly.

She can kill you with just one look.

If you come across one in the wild, play dead.

Are you hiding from me?

Talking to you!

-I'm not here.

-Where are you?

I'm somewhere else.

Are you all somewhere else?

I was never here!

Eddie!

I'm late. I've got meetings all over town.

Please don't eat me.

What's the point in having children if I can't eat them?

OK, one bite.

Hey! That's two bites.

Listen, Maria from the cleaning agency will be here any moment

to clean up the monsters' mess. All I ask is that you please

keep them in the basement until she leaves.

-Do you think you can do that?

-Should I threaten to eat them if I don't?

Oh! I'm glad to see you're thinking like an adult!

New girl is on half-term break. Good.

New girl has nothing to do. Bad.

Come on. You've got buckets of friends.

-Yeah... back in Australia.

-Surely you've made some friends here.

I get text messages from two people and one of them is Mum.

HE LAUGHS

-Do you want me to text you?

-Yeah.

A 2-1 parent/friend ratio would really put me in party central.

Sweety! I know you're keen to meet new people

but please don't chat to Maria. I really need her to clean.

Get her mobile number.

-Did you just hear that thud?

-No.

I just hit rock bottom.

You can't keep us locked up here

in our five-star luxury penthouse basement.

-Mum said you have to keep away from the cleaner.

-What is that?

A cleaner's a person who comes to your house and tidies up.

They just come in off the street and start doing that uninvited?

No. Mum's paying her to come.

Oh! Has she gone, you know...

..a little bit like me?

But, but, but...

My parents are obsessed with keeping the house neat.

What's the point? The place will only get messed up again.

It always does. You can't fight it. That's nature.

Well, I know that and you know that.

Tell it to my parents.

What does the cleaner do with all the rubbish?

She bags it up and takes it away.

She steals our dirt.

Rerrrrrrr!

Let's steal her dirt.

-We must stop her!

-No!

You stay put.

-Monsters have rights too, you know?

-And they have lefts.

Where's Norman?

Ta-dah!

Norman!

Yo, Norm! Save the fur balls!

THEY LAUGH

Norman!

Norman!

THE CLEANER HUMS A TUNE

Put the broom down and step away from the grime.

Will you be quiet?

Hm.

Oh! There's Norman.

What's he doing?

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

# Du, du du du du, du du du. #

He's flirting with the vacuum cleaner!

We've got to get him out of there.

Psssst! Norman!

Psssst!

The last time I saw Norman act like this, it was with a rubbish bin.

Nice looking, terrible breath. She had it all.

It's working.

That's right, Norman. Just a few steps more.

SHE SCREAMS

What is that?

It's a toy.

I saw it move.

It's remote control. Look.

What kind of familia would have something like that, eh?

It's... it's grotesco.

What is it? A reject?

It's a Norman.

His eyes... they follow me.

SHE SCREAMS

There are more!

I've got lots of toys.

Yeah, I'm this year's must-have.

He speaks.

You're not kidding. It never stops talking.

I sometimes think I should take his batteries out!

Hello! I'm...

..stupid.

-Not good.

-Is she dead?

I hope not. Mum will be furious.

Hokey-pokey-pokey.

Would one less cleaner in the world be such a bad thing?

That's an awful thing to say.

Someone's got to stand up for all the dirt.

Wakey wakey, dead cleaner thingy person.

-Oh!

-Arghhhh!

THEY ALL SCREAM

Mi madre! Es una casa loca!

I'm in the new girl. Let's get together sometime, yeah?

See a movie? Call me.

They make a perfect couple.

-Gadgets love Norm.

-Mm.

He's got the movie-star looks and she's got her plastic

in all the right places. A real tutti-frutti.

-She sure likes her chocolate.

-I'll say.

It's not often you see a girl eat the wrappers too.

# Bom, ba-bom bom bom

# She's hoovered up his heart

# Now they'll never be apart

# It's a groovy dust bag kind of love

# A dust-bag love

# He has a thing for dirt

# Let's hope he don't get hurt

# # It's a groovy dust bag kind of love

# A dust-bag love

BOTH: # Hoover! #

I know. I know!

No-one is more sorry than I am.

Deep breaths!

OK. Bye.

I just had a phone call from Maria.

It seems our cleaner is now our ex-cleaner.

I tried to keep them in the basement.

Honestly, I did!

She was nearly hysterical, muttering something about Loco Toys.

I'd have needed to know you can eat bogie buffet to keep them occupied.

It took us so long to find her!

Oh, I'm really sorry, Mum.

I don't blame you.

I blame THEM!

I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you.

And I'm not going to do it any more.

-That's great news!

-Yeah, it's for the best.

-So congratulations, you got the job.

-What job?

-The cleaning job!

-I don't remember applying for that!

You applied for it when you scared Maria away.

Whoo-hooooo! I got a job!

I expect the kitchen and the sitting room to be spotless when I get back.

No, no, no. See, we're monsters.

We make the mess. We don't clear up the mess.

-There must be some mistake.

-No mistake.

You got the wrong furry guys!

If you've got a room that's too tidy, call us!

We can give it that "lived-in" look in next to no time.

It's kind of our speciality.

-Yeah, it's our...A-team.

-Bup-bup!

Anyone can make a mess!

-Not like we can.

-THEY CHORTLE

Want to bet?

Oh!

THEY CHUCKLE

-How am I doing?

-Not bad for a beginner.

Ha ha ha!

-Whoooaaarrr!

-Hmm-hmm-hmm!

It's easy!

-Only 9s?

-Yeah, there's no food on the ceiling.

Mark of an amateur.

Ohhh! Silly me. Why didn't I think of that?

SPLAT!

The room looks great! I love what you've done with the place.

-You like?

-What's there not to like?

Good.

Now YOU can clean it up.

Bweeaarrr?

Us?!

Every day I clear up after you.

Now YOU can clear up after ME.

Not fair!

-Huh!

-Y-y-you can't make us do this.

It's...it's un-monsterly!

Do it! Or you can find somewhere else to live.

HE WHIMPERS

-Just me?

-All of you.

All of me?!

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

-I'm serious.

Ohhhh... Ohhh-hh!

SQUELCHING AND HONKING

Ohh...oooh! Ohhh!

Stop canoodling with the vacuum cleaner, Norman.

You have work to do.

OK, listen up. Here are some cleaning utensils.

These are rubber gloves.

-You wear them on your hands...

-Oooooh!

They are not cow's udders and you don't milk them!

-DISAPPOINTED:

-Oh!

This is a feather duster. You use it for brushing away cobwebs.

Ooooooh!

-It's not your sister.

-Oh...

This is a bucket. You fill it with water and mop the floor.

Bhhaaaaaa!

-Pool is closed!

-Ohh...

Right, I'll make a start next door, you tidy in here.

Any questions?

No? Good.

Remember, when Mum gets back, she'll expect this house to be spotless.

-So clean everything.

-OK!

Ha ha ha ha!

Not me!

Ah ha ha ha!

Well, Haggis, I'm impressed.

Well, thank you.

If Mum throws you out, I'll miss you, but I'll get over it.

It could take one second, or it could take as many as two.

Oh, you're making me blush.

Well, I'm going back to my room now.

You'll say something really stupid, and I'll try to ignore it.

Would you like some banana puke?

Aaagh!

How's it going next door?

OK, human Eddie.

We're really getting the hang of this tidying business.

Haggis, what are you doing?

Oh, er, fridge ready for inspection, sir.

You're emptying it all out.

Yes sir. Thank you, sir.

Actually, it's frosty work.

Fortunately, I have a fur coat, otherwise I'd have got a chill.

Fiend, what are you doing?

Er, I'm tidying these crisps away.

Watch. I pick up the crisp. I put the crisp in my mouth.

Ummm!

I chew the crisp.

I swallow the crisp.

Ulp. Aaagh!

The crisp is gone!

That's not tidying. It's eating.

Wrong. There is no pleasure involved here, it's strictly business.

You're not helping at all.

My little green belly is fit to burst, and that's the thanks I get?

Huh!

Norman, why don't you DO some vacuum cleaning?

You know, with the vacuum cleaner?

HE GURGLES AND BLEEPS

Norman says he can't ask here to clean the house on a first date.

Well, I'll ask her.

HE WAILS

Norman says, if anyone looks at her, there'll be trouble.

Norman says, she's mine, I tell you, all mine!

Get your own girlfriend.

You three are hopeless.

Well, high praise.

That means a lot to me coming from you, Eddie.

You don't get it, do you?

When Dad tells you to do something, you can ignore it.

When Mum tells you to do something, it's the law.

If she gets back and this isn't done,

you'll be looking for somewhere else to live. Do you understand?

She will chuck you out forever.

But cleaning is boring.

It doesn't have to be. Let's turn the radio on.

'It's 18 degrees celcius in the city

'on this beautiful blue-skied sunny afternoon...'

Hello, little man.

Who are you waving to?

The little man in the radio.

Oh no.

Right, here's the plan.

Norman, rubbish duty.

Haggis, wash up.

Eddie, clean.

And what are you going to do?

I'm the boss. I'm going to watch you and from time to time,

offer constructive criticism.

Is that all?

People think it's easy. It's not, you know.

Workers get blisters on their hands, I get blisters on my brain.

Which would you prefer?

Snack time, little man.

There's no-one actually in there.

Then who's that talking?

It's a disc jockey.

-A jockey?

-Yeah.

What, is there a horse in there too?

Monster emergency!

Just for a change!

Eh-eh-eh-uh-uh-uh.

We need you to clean.

I'd love to help(!) Oh, but I can't.

I'm crazy busy right now, listening to my friend on the radio.

'Stay tuned to Smile FM...'

I don't know how to break this to you,

but there are no people in these shiny boxes!

You mean he doesn't exist(?)

Deal with it.

SQUELCHING

SQUEAKING

Are you licking the plates clean?

Oh! Oh, yes, yes.

I tongue-wash them...

then give them a bit of a bum-wipe.

Very classy(!)

The little man's helping me.

Have you seen him?

No. He's, er...he's very shy. He doesn't get out much.

'Let's go to the phones.

'We want to hear from you, the listener,

-'so call us on 0909 879 0879'

-HAGGIS GASPS

-Come on!

-Get out!

No! I need your help.

You've got to help us!

Note to self - lock the door.

The cleaning invite stands, so if you change your mind,

you know where to find us.

'We have our first caller. You're through to Smile FM.

-'I'm Haggis.'

-Haggis?

-Waah!

-THUD!

-'What do you do, Haggis?

'I'm a monster.'

Wait! I think I know this guy!

'We're all monsters at heart, Haggis, so what's on your mind?'

I'm having an argument with my friend, Eddie.

We don't have time for this!

Are you the little man who lives in my radio?

'I guess I am, yeah. I'm the little man who lives in your radio!'

I knew it!

-Ha-ha-hu-la-la!

-Did you like the cheese?

Mum? It's me, Angela.

Angela.

Turn on Smile FM.

-Why?

-Just do it!

'OK, we're on the phone with Haggis.

'So, tell us, Haggis, what's happening with you?'

I'm in trouble, little man.

-Big-time.

-'Talk to me.'

The house is a mess,

and human mum thingy person has asked us to clean it up!

-'Human mum thingy person?!

-Yeah! Do you know her?

'Anyway, anyway, she went completely coconuts.

'Do you mean bananas?!'

Ay-ay-am-to.

Did I tell you I've got horns?

'Anything else you want to get off your chest?'

My friend's in love with a vacuum cleaner.

But don't tell anyone!

It's early days - it's all very hush-hush.

'He's in love with a vacuum cleaner?!'

Abb-beb-dee-doo-lah!

You'd better believe it!

'Er, is this some kind of an on/off relationship?'

Ooh...

No, it's real.

-'Is there anyone else there with you?'

-Er...

Oh, yes, there's Angela.

'Now, we like her cos she's smelly like us.

-'OK, a big stinky hi to Angela!'

-FIEND CHUCKLES

'Angela Carlson - C-A-R-L-S-O-N -

-'of Hillgate High School.

-You got it!'

HAGGIS CHUCKLES

-FIEND SNIFFS

-Puh! He's got a point!

-I don't smell.

-Yeah, you do.

-It's called soap.

-Too bad no-one else was listening.

Get off the phone - we're busy!

-We don't have time for this.

-I've got to go now, little man.

'Nice talking to you, Haggis.'

You were in the radio!

-Duh-doo-doo-doo.

-I was?!

Yeah, we heard you.

What did I say?

-Mostly drivel.

-It WAS me!

Can't you see this is going to land us in even more trouble?!

Admit it - you were wrong about the man in the radio and I was right.

OK! I admit it.

Now, can we please get back to work?!

Congratulations. I am now officially in social wilderness.

Did you hear me?

Oh, yes. So did the human mum thingy person!

-She did?!

-Yeah. In fact she's rushing home right now

to congratulate you all in person!

So, keep in touch!

Don't be strangers!

We'll be text buddies!

MIMICS RINGTONE

It's not as though I'll ever have anyone else to talk to anyway!

That's it. We're finished!

-We are?!

-It's over.

The sense of satisfaction is enormous!

And you thought we couldn't do it!

RADIO: 'We've been inundated with texts and e-mails,

'wishing the crew good luck with the clean-up,

'so this next track is for Haggis, and all you monsters out there.'

Hey! That's us!

-# Get the job done

-Later, baby, later

-# Get the job done

-I'll be there in a mo

-# Get the job done

-Tell me, what's the hurry?

-# Get the job done

-Quick, quick and then slow

# Working like a monster but I ain't done yet

# Get my act together Sorting it all out

# I run a tight ship Got to get a good grip

# That's what I'm about... #

Finally!

-# Get the job done

-Later, baby, later

-# Get the job done

-Quick, quick, then slow. #

Tidy everything away!

Yeah. Oh!

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Not me! Grrr! Huh!

Don't get your hopes up,

we've obviously walked into the wrong house.

It looks like our house.

Whoa! Photo opportunity! Although, I probably would have preferred

the monsters leaving shot, but, hey.

That sounds like our daughter.

Could be a look-alike.

-EXHAUSTED SINGING:

-# Working like a monster

# Ain't done yet... #

My handy helpers, you did it! The place looks fabulous.

ALL GROAN

See? They're not completely useless!

GROANING AND WAILING

No, far from it!

So can they stay?! Can they?!

-Absolutely.

-Yes!

They can clean every week!

ANGUISHED GROANS

What's the matter, Norman? Have you got girlfriend trouble?

She fancies the little man in the radio!

Duh-dooh! Duh-dooh! Duh-dooh!

Norman says he thought it was true love! Apparently not.

BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

Norman says he has news for this heartbreaker!

MIMICS EXPLOSION

Oh, you're chucked!

CRIES

'Me and my monsters learnt an important lesson today.

'When Mum tells you to do something, you have to do it.

'But it doesn't pay to do it too well.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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