Dust Bag Love Me and My Monsters


Dust Bag Love

Children's comedy drama. When the monsters scare off a cleaner, Kate reaches breaking point. Eddie is desperate to tidy the house before she gets back.


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Transcript


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# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

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# You put me right when I am going wrong

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# You're my hands when my arms are tied

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# You colour me in when I'm black and white

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# You pick me up when I fall down

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# You take my frown and you turn it around

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# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

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# Don't be sad or lonely

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# If you need someone to hold your hand

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# Me and my monsters can

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# Me and my monsters can. #

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Arghhh!

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Look at this place!

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Eddie.

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Eddie!

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People say the most fearsome creature known to man is the lion.

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Not true. An angry Mum is far more deadly.

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She can kill you with just one look.

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If you come across one in the wild, play dead.

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Are you hiding from me?

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Talking to you!

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-I'm not here.

-Where are you?

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I'm somewhere else.

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Are you all somewhere else?

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I was never here!

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Eddie!

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I'm late. I've got meetings all over town.

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Please don't eat me.

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What's the point in having children if I can't eat them?

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OK, one bite.

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Hey! That's two bites.

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Listen, Maria from the cleaning agency will be here any moment

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to clean up the monsters' mess. All I ask is that you please

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keep them in the basement until she leaves.

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-Do you think you can do that?

-Should I threaten to eat them if I don't?

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Oh! I'm glad to see you're thinking like an adult!

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New girl is on half-term break. Good.

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New girl has nothing to do. Bad.

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Come on. You've got buckets of friends.

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-Yeah... back in Australia.

-Surely you've made some friends here.

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I get text messages from two people and one of them is Mum.

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HE LAUGHS

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-Do you want me to text you?

-Yeah.

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A 2-1 parent/friend ratio would really put me in party central.

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Sweety! I know you're keen to meet new people

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but please don't chat to Maria. I really need her to clean.

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Get her mobile number.

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-Did you just hear that thud?

-No.

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I just hit rock bottom.

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You can't keep us locked up here

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in our five-star luxury penthouse basement.

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-Mum said you have to keep away from the cleaner.

-What is that?

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A cleaner's a person who comes to your house and tidies up.

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They just come in off the street and start doing that uninvited?

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No. Mum's paying her to come.

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Oh! Has she gone, you know...

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..a little bit like me?

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But, but, but...

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My parents are obsessed with keeping the house neat.

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What's the point? The place will only get messed up again.

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It always does. You can't fight it. That's nature.

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Well, I know that and you know that.

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Tell it to my parents.

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What does the cleaner do with all the rubbish?

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She bags it up and takes it away.

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She steals our dirt.

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Rerrrrrrr!

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Let's steal her dirt.

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-We must stop her!

-No!

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You stay put.

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-Monsters have rights too, you know?

-And they have lefts.

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Where's Norman?

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Ta-dah!

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Norman!

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Yo, Norm! Save the fur balls!

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THEY LAUGH

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Norman!

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Norman!

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THE CLEANER HUMS A TUNE

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Put the broom down and step away from the grime.

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Will you be quiet?

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Hm.

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Oh! There's Norman.

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What's he doing?

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HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

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# Du, du du du du, du du du. #

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He's flirting with the vacuum cleaner!

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We've got to get him out of there.

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Psssst! Norman!

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Psssst!

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The last time I saw Norman act like this, it was with a rubbish bin.

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Nice looking, terrible breath. She had it all.

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It's working.

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That's right, Norman. Just a few steps more.

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SHE SCREAMS

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What is that?

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It's a toy.

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I saw it move.

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It's remote control. Look.

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What kind of familia would have something like that, eh?

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It's... it's grotesco.

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What is it? A reject?

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It's a Norman.

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His eyes... they follow me.

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SHE SCREAMS

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There are more!

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I've got lots of toys.

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Yeah, I'm this year's must-have.

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He speaks.

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You're not kidding. It never stops talking.

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I sometimes think I should take his batteries out!

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Hello! I'm...

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..stupid.

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-Not good.

-Is she dead?

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I hope not. Mum will be furious.

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Hokey-pokey-pokey.

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Would one less cleaner in the world be such a bad thing?

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That's an awful thing to say.

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Someone's got to stand up for all the dirt.

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Wakey wakey, dead cleaner thingy person.

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-Oh!

-Arghhhh!

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THEY ALL SCREAM

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Mi madre! Es una casa loca!

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I'm in the new girl. Let's get together sometime, yeah?

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See a movie? Call me.

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They make a perfect couple.

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-Gadgets love Norm.

-Mm.

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He's got the movie-star looks and she's got her plastic

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in all the right places. A real tutti-frutti.

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-She sure likes her chocolate.

-I'll say.

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It's not often you see a girl eat the wrappers too.

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# Bom, ba-bom bom bom

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# She's hoovered up his heart

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# Now they'll never be apart

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# It's a groovy dust bag kind of love

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# A dust-bag love

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# He has a thing for dirt

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# Let's hope he don't get hurt

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# # It's a groovy dust bag kind of love

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# A dust-bag love

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BOTH: # Hoover! #

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I know. I know!

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No-one is more sorry than I am.

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Deep breaths!

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OK. Bye.

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I just had a phone call from Maria.

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It seems our cleaner is now our ex-cleaner.

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I tried to keep them in the basement.

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Honestly, I did!

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She was nearly hysterical, muttering something about Loco Toys.

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I'd have needed to know you can eat bogie buffet to keep them occupied.

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It took us so long to find her!

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Oh, I'm really sorry, Mum.

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I don't blame you.

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I blame THEM!

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I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you.

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And I'm not going to do it any more.

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-That's great news!

-Yeah, it's for the best.

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-So congratulations, you got the job.

-What job?

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-The cleaning job!

-I don't remember applying for that!

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You applied for it when you scared Maria away.

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Whoo-hooooo! I got a job!

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I expect the kitchen and the sitting room to be spotless when I get back.

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No, no, no. See, we're monsters.

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We make the mess. We don't clear up the mess.

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-There must be some mistake.

-No mistake.

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You got the wrong furry guys!

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If you've got a room that's too tidy, call us!

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We can give it that "lived-in" look in next to no time.

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It's kind of our speciality.

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-Yeah, it's our...A-team.

-Bup-bup!

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Anyone can make a mess!

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-Not like we can.

-THEY CHORTLE

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Want to bet?

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Oh!

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THEY CHUCKLE

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-How am I doing?

-Not bad for a beginner.

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Ha ha ha!

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-Whoooaaarrr!

-Hmm-hmm-hmm!

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It's easy!

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-Only 9s?

-Yeah, there's no food on the ceiling.

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Mark of an amateur.

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Ohhh! Silly me. Why didn't I think of that?

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SPLAT!

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The room looks great! I love what you've done with the place.

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-You like?

-What's there not to like?

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Good.

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Now YOU can clean it up.

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Bweeaarrr?

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Us?!

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Every day I clear up after you.

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Now YOU can clear up after ME.

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Not fair!

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-Huh!

-Y-y-you can't make us do this.

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It's...it's un-monsterly!

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Do it! Or you can find somewhere else to live.

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HE WHIMPERS

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-Just me?

-All of you.

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All of me?!

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-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

-I'm serious.

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Ohhhh... Ohhh-hh!

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SQUELCHING AND HONKING

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Ohh...oooh! Ohhh!

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Stop canoodling with the vacuum cleaner, Norman.

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You have work to do.

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OK, listen up. Here are some cleaning utensils.

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These are rubber gloves.

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-You wear them on your hands...

-Oooooh!

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They are not cow's udders and you don't milk them!

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-DISAPPOINTED:

-Oh!

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This is a feather duster. You use it for brushing away cobwebs.

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Ooooooh!

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-It's not your sister.

-Oh...

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This is a bucket. You fill it with water and mop the floor.

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Bhhaaaaaa!

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-Pool is closed!

-Ohh...

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Right, I'll make a start next door, you tidy in here.

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Any questions?

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No? Good.

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Remember, when Mum gets back, she'll expect this house to be spotless.

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-So clean everything.

-OK!

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Ha ha ha ha!

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Not me!

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Ah ha ha ha!

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Well, Haggis, I'm impressed.

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Well, thank you.

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If Mum throws you out, I'll miss you, but I'll get over it.

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It could take one second, or it could take as many as two.

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Oh, you're making me blush.

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Well, I'm going back to my room now.

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You'll say something really stupid, and I'll try to ignore it.

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Would you like some banana puke?

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Aaagh!

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How's it going next door?

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OK, human Eddie.

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We're really getting the hang of this tidying business.

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Haggis, what are you doing?

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Oh, er, fridge ready for inspection, sir.

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You're emptying it all out.

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Yes sir. Thank you, sir.

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Actually, it's frosty work.

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Fortunately, I have a fur coat, otherwise I'd have got a chill.

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Fiend, what are you doing?

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Er, I'm tidying these crisps away.

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Watch. I pick up the crisp. I put the crisp in my mouth.

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Ummm!

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I chew the crisp.

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I swallow the crisp.

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Ulp. Aaagh!

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The crisp is gone!

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That's not tidying. It's eating.

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Wrong. There is no pleasure involved here, it's strictly business.

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You're not helping at all.

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My little green belly is fit to burst, and that's the thanks I get?

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Huh!

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Norman, why don't you DO some vacuum cleaning?

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You know, with the vacuum cleaner?

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HE GURGLES AND BLEEPS

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Norman says he can't ask here to clean the house on a first date.

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Well, I'll ask her.

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HE WAILS

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Norman says, if anyone looks at her, there'll be trouble.

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Norman says, she's mine, I tell you, all mine!

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Get your own girlfriend.

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You three are hopeless.

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Well, high praise.

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That means a lot to me coming from you, Eddie.

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You don't get it, do you?

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When Dad tells you to do something, you can ignore it.

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When Mum tells you to do something, it's the law.

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If she gets back and this isn't done,

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you'll be looking for somewhere else to live. Do you understand?

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She will chuck you out forever.

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But cleaning is boring.

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It doesn't have to be. Let's turn the radio on.

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'It's 18 degrees celcius in the city

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'on this beautiful blue-skied sunny afternoon...'

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Hello, little man.

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Who are you waving to?

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The little man in the radio.

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Oh no.

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Right, here's the plan.

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Norman, rubbish duty.

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Haggis, wash up.

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Eddie, clean.

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And what are you going to do?

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I'm the boss. I'm going to watch you and from time to time,

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offer constructive criticism.

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Is that all?

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People think it's easy. It's not, you know.

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Workers get blisters on their hands, I get blisters on my brain.

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Which would you prefer?

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Snack time, little man.

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There's no-one actually in there.

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Then who's that talking?

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It's a disc jockey.

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-A jockey?

-Yeah.

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What, is there a horse in there too?

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Monster emergency!

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Just for a change!

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Eh-eh-eh-uh-uh-uh.

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We need you to clean.

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I'd love to help(!) Oh, but I can't.

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I'm crazy busy right now, listening to my friend on the radio.

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'Stay tuned to Smile FM...'

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I don't know how to break this to you,

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but there are no people in these shiny boxes!

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You mean he doesn't exist(?)

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Deal with it.

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SQUELCHING

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SQUEAKING

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Are you licking the plates clean?

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Oh! Oh, yes, yes.

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I tongue-wash them...

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then give them a bit of a bum-wipe.

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Very classy(!)

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The little man's helping me.

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Have you seen him?

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No. He's, er...he's very shy. He doesn't get out much.

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'Let's go to the phones.

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'We want to hear from you, the listener,

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-'so call us on 0909 879 0879'

-HAGGIS GASPS

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-Come on!

-Get out!

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No! I need your help.

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You've got to help us!

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Note to self - lock the door.

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The cleaning invite stands, so if you change your mind,

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you know where to find us.

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'We have our first caller. You're through to Smile FM.

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-'I'm Haggis.'

-Haggis?

-Waah!

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-THUD!

-'What do you do, Haggis?

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'I'm a monster.'

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Wait! I think I know this guy!

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'We're all monsters at heart, Haggis, so what's on your mind?'

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I'm having an argument with my friend, Eddie.

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We don't have time for this!

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Are you the little man who lives in my radio?

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'I guess I am, yeah. I'm the little man who lives in your radio!'

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I knew it!

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-Ha-ha-hu-la-la!

-Did you like the cheese?

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Mum? It's me, Angela.

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Angela.

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Turn on Smile FM.

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-Why?

-Just do it!

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'OK, we're on the phone with Haggis.

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'So, tell us, Haggis, what's happening with you?'

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I'm in trouble, little man.

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-Big-time.

-'Talk to me.'

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The house is a mess,

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and human mum thingy person has asked us to clean it up!

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-'Human mum thingy person?!

-Yeah! Do you know her?

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'Anyway, anyway, she went completely coconuts.

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'Do you mean bananas?!'

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Ay-ay-am-to.

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Did I tell you I've got horns?

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'Anything else you want to get off your chest?'

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My friend's in love with a vacuum cleaner.

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But don't tell anyone!

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It's early days - it's all very hush-hush.

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'He's in love with a vacuum cleaner?!'

0:19:250:19:28

Abb-beb-dee-doo-lah!

0:19:280:19:30

You'd better believe it!

0:19:300:19:31

'Er, is this some kind of an on/off relationship?'

0:19:310:19:35

Ooh...

0:19:350:19:38

No, it's real.

0:19:380:19:40

-'Is there anyone else there with you?'

-Er...

0:19:400:19:43

Oh, yes, there's Angela.

0:19:430:19:44

'Now, we like her cos she's smelly like us.

0:19:440:19:47

-'OK, a big stinky hi to Angela!'

-FIEND CHUCKLES

0:19:470:19:51

'Angela Carlson - C-A-R-L-S-O-N -

0:19:510:19:53

-'of Hillgate High School.

-You got it!'

0:19:530:19:57

HAGGIS CHUCKLES

0:19:570:19:58

-FIEND SNIFFS

-Puh! He's got a point!

0:19:580:20:00

-I don't smell.

-Yeah, you do.

0:20:000:20:03

-It's called soap.

-Too bad no-one else was listening.

0:20:030:20:06

Get off the phone - we're busy!

0:20:120:20:14

-We don't have time for this.

-I've got to go now, little man.

0:20:140:20:18

'Nice talking to you, Haggis.'

0:20:180:20:20

You were in the radio!

0:20:200:20:23

-Duh-doo-doo-doo.

-I was?!

0:20:230:20:26

Yeah, we heard you.

0:20:260:20:28

What did I say?

0:20:280:20:29

-Mostly drivel.

-It WAS me!

0:20:290:20:31

Can't you see this is going to land us in even more trouble?!

0:20:310:20:36

Admit it - you were wrong about the man in the radio and I was right.

0:20:360:20:41

OK! I admit it.

0:20:410:20:44

Now, can we please get back to work?!

0:20:440:20:47

Congratulations. I am now officially in social wilderness.

0:20:470:20:54

Did you hear me?

0:20:540:20:56

Oh, yes. So did the human mum thingy person!

0:20:560:20:59

-She did?!

-Yeah. In fact she's rushing home right now

0:20:590:21:03

to congratulate you all in person!

0:21:030:21:06

So, keep in touch!

0:21:060:21:08

Don't be strangers!

0:21:090:21:10

We'll be text buddies!

0:21:110:21:13

MIMICS RINGTONE

0:21:130:21:15

It's not as though I'll ever have anyone else to talk to anyway!

0:21:150:21:19

That's it. We're finished!

0:21:190:21:22

-We are?!

-It's over.

0:21:220:21:24

The sense of satisfaction is enormous!

0:21:240:21:28

And you thought we couldn't do it!

0:21:280:21:30

RADIO: 'We've been inundated with texts and e-mails,

0:21:300:21:34

'wishing the crew good luck with the clean-up,

0:21:340:21:36

'so this next track is for Haggis, and all you monsters out there.'

0:21:370:21:41

Hey! That's us!

0:21:410:21:43

-# Get the job done

-Later, baby, later

0:21:490:21:52

-# Get the job done

-I'll be there in a mo

0:21:520:21:56

-# Get the job done

-Tell me, what's the hurry?

0:21:560:22:00

-# Get the job done

-Quick, quick and then slow

0:22:000:22:04

# Working like a monster but I ain't done yet

0:22:100:22:15

# Get my act together Sorting it all out

0:22:150:22:19

# I run a tight ship Got to get a good grip

0:22:190:22:21

# That's what I'm about... #

0:22:210:22:23

Finally!

0:22:230:22:25

-# Get the job done

-Later, baby, later

0:22:250:22:30

-# Get the job done

-Quick, quick, then slow. #

0:22:300:22:33

Tidy everything away!

0:22:400:22:41

Yeah. Oh!

0:22:410:22:43

Aaargh! Aaargh!

0:22:430:22:46

Not me! Grrr! Huh!

0:22:470:22:50

Don't get your hopes up,

0:22:550:22:56

we've obviously walked into the wrong house.

0:22:560:23:00

It looks like our house.

0:23:000:23:02

Whoa! Photo opportunity! Although, I probably would have preferred

0:23:030:23:07

the monsters leaving shot, but, hey.

0:23:070:23:09

That sounds like our daughter.

0:23:100:23:12

Could be a look-alike.

0:23:120:23:14

-EXHAUSTED SINGING:

-# Working like a monster

0:23:180:23:21

# Ain't done yet... #

0:23:210:23:22

My handy helpers, you did it! The place looks fabulous.

0:23:220:23:27

ALL GROAN

0:23:270:23:28

See? They're not completely useless!

0:23:280:23:31

GROANING AND WAILING

0:23:310:23:35

No, far from it!

0:23:350:23:36

So can they stay?! Can they?!

0:23:360:23:38

-Absolutely.

-Yes!

0:23:380:23:40

They can clean every week!

0:23:400:23:43

ANGUISHED GROANS

0:23:430:23:44

What's the matter, Norman? Have you got girlfriend trouble?

0:23:440:23:47

She fancies the little man in the radio!

0:23:470:23:50

Duh-dooh! Duh-dooh! Duh-dooh!

0:23:500:23:53

Norman says he thought it was true love! Apparently not.

0:23:530:23:57

BABBLES INCOHERENTLY

0:23:570:24:00

Norman says he has news for this heartbreaker!

0:24:000:24:03

MIMICS EXPLOSION

0:24:030:24:07

Oh, you're chucked!

0:24:070:24:09

CRIES

0:24:120:24:14

'Me and my monsters learnt an important lesson today.

0:24:210:24:24

'When Mum tells you to do something, you have to do it.

0:24:250:24:29

'But it doesn't pay to do it too well.'

0:24:300:24:32

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:24:440:24:46

E-mail [email protected]

0:24:460:24:49

When the monsters scare off a cleaner, Kate reaches breaking point; either they clean up their own mess or get out.

Eddie is desperate to tidy the house before she gets back but the monsters have other ideas.


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