Dear Diary Me and My Monsters


Dear Diary

Children's comedy about a family with monsters in their basement. Eddie and the monsters keep reading Angela's diary, obsessed with her day-to-day life.


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Transcript


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# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

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# You put me right when I am going wrong

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# You're my hands when my arms are tied

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# You colour me in when I'm black and white

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# You pick me up when I fall down

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# You take my frown and you turn it around

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# I couldn't wish for better friends

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# To share my life with

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# Don't be sad or lonely

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# If you need someone, I'll hold your hand

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# Me and my monsters can

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# Me and my monsters can. #

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'I once heard of this crazy thing that some people have at home.

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'It's called...privacy.

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'We've never had that in our house,

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'which is fine by me because I've got nothing to hide.

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'But for Angela, it's becoming a problem.'

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Why is she touching her hair like that?

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Maybe she has fleas?

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SHE GIGGLES

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-And she's giggling.

-Well, they are ticklish. Right, Norm?

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HE SPEAKS MONSTER

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I spy...

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-human mum thingy person.

-What's she doing?

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She's spying on Angela!

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School newspaper meeting tomorrow lunch break.

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-I've asked Mr Yates if we can use the table tennis room.

-Great!

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-I'll bring my bat!

-There won't be time - too much to get through.

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No, yeah. I know. Well, bye then, Marc!

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-They're doing some sort of deal.

-Maybe he's buying the fleas.

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DOOR SHUTS

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What do you want?

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-Was he from the flea market?

-No.

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-Were you spying on me?

-Only because you were acting so strange.

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-I was not!

-Well, you were smiling. You never smile!

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HE SPEAKS MONSTER

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I'm not being called strange by a weirdo like you.

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-What about one like me?

-Oh, just leave me alone, you hairy numbskulls!

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She's back to normal.

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-Oh, hey, Angela, you dropped your...

-Leave me alone!

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-What's all the shouting about?

-Angela was being all nice and smiley

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-but she's better now.

-What's that?

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Oh, it's just a book.

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"Angela's diary - top secret."

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This isn't just a book, it's Angela's diary!

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-And we've got it!

-THEY CHEER

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We've got her diary!

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-What's a diary?

-I've no idea, but we've got it!

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THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

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It's the happiest day of my life!

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I've had a really tough day at work

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and I don't need to come home

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to this...zoo.

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The day I come home

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and there's peace and quiet,

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-I'll...

-What?

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What will you do?

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I'll dance for joy. I honestly will.

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Well, we'll get out of your way.

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"Thursday.

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"Dear Diary, after school, I signed up for cookery class.

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"We made brownies."

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-Boring.

-No, tell us about the brownies!

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Oh, I love food with colours in their name.

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Brownies,

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oranges...

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I don't like greens.

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Oh, yeah.

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"My brownies were the best in the class.

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"Well, I think so

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"because they were gooey and undercooked."

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That's my girl!

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"Friday.

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"My undercooked brownies made the class ill."

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That's so sad.

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"Monday.

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"Well, I've met someone special.

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"His name is Marc."

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And? Tell us more!

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"He plays the violin and runs the school newspaper.

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"I like him,

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"but he's very serious."

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A-ha!

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What happens next?

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That's it. There are no more entries.

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-Oh, that's a terrible ending!

-Doesn't she care about her readers?

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All she needs to do is sit down,

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-pick up a pen, grab the diary...

-This diary?

-Er...

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-Oh, we've got the diary.

-We've got to get this back to Angela

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-without her knowing.

-How do we do that?

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With our most powerful weapon.

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-What is it, Haggis?

-It's my...toes.

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What's wrong with your toes?

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Well, whenever I touch them, this happens.

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HE FARTS

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That's disgusting! Dad!

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Disgusting, but brilliant!

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It was an accident! I can't control when it happens.

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Yes, but you can control where it happens.

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Well, it's usually from my bottom.

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No, I mean where in the house it happens!

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I'm sorry, we were desperate!

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We had to get our hands on some more of those lovely secrets.

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What secrets?

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-I think I've said too much!

-OK, I'll just have to eat all of these

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brownies on my own then.

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OK, OK, I'll talk!

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Mmm!

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We found Angela's diary

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and we read about cookery class and newspapers and Marc...

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Haggis, that is terrible. Her diary is private.

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You shouldn't be sticking your big hairy noses into...

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What about Marc?!

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-He's "serious."

-What do you mean? What about, about her?

-I don't know.

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She just wrote "serious".

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HE GROANS

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He plays the violin...

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Wait, wait, wait!

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No secrets, no brownies.

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Do you want Haggis to steal back the diary?

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I never said that.

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I just said the more I know about Angela,

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the more I want to bake.

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-Give it back!

-..Angela's diary!

-No, you have to stay down here!

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-I need it now!

-No, stay here.

-Daddy!

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HE TRUMPETS

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What's up with him?

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He's a wreck, too. He thought Angela liked him.

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I mean, what can this Marc figure have that he doesn't, hmm?

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Well, for a start, he's a human.

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-Oh.

-And he's very "serious", which she seems to like.

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Oh, Angela's diary! Oh, I need it now!

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No!

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Why don't we just take our minds off it?

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Just relax.

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Take deep breaths.

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Think of a field,

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warmed by the sun.

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A cool breeze.

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The birds are tweeting.

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HE TWEETS

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Oh, yes, that's nice. I'm not thinking about it at all now.

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We need to get more stuff from Angela's diary!

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-Ah, Angela's diary! Angela's diary!

-All right!

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-But you have to wait till tomorrow!

-No!

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But why?!

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-Because she hasn't written anything new yet!

-Oh, yeah. Good point.

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-If I were a diary, where would I be?

-Stop it!

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If we disturb her room, then she'll know we've been here!

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Maybe you should've said that a bit earlier.

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-HE SPEAKS MONSTER

-Well done, Norm!

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"Dear Diary, I really admire Marc's commitment to the newspaper.

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"He needs a story for the front page

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"and I reckon if I can come up with it, he might fall for me."

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-Huh!

-Yugh!

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-I'm home!

-Oh, no! She's coming! Everyone out!

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-Where did you find this?

-Uh... Uh...

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-He can't remember!

-Think!

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-Uh...

-He can't remember how to think!

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Quickly! Are you sure?

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-He's totally sure, yes.

-Let's go. Everyone out!

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Uh... Ah! Ah!

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Hmmm!

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Quiet.

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-Watch out, Dad!

-A-a-argh!

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Get off me!

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Blimey!

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-I was just about to do my dance of joy, as well!

-Sorry, Dad.

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Ooh!

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If you ever need a dance partner, I love to tango!

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-"Dear Diary..."

-Yes?

-I remember that bit.

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What came next?

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Something about commitment.

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What about commitment?!

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I don't know.

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What's commitment?

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They've made some sort of commitment to each other!

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-She's 13 years old!

-Have you spoken to her about it?

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-Not exactly.

-How do you know so much?

-I have my sources.

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-Is your source big and hairy?

-Maybe.

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Then I have to get back to work. I tend not to trust intelligence

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passed to me by aliens, flying pigs and big red monsters.

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And I saw that.

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NORMAN SINGS TO HIMSELF

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Why are you dressed like that?

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-Who, me?

-You look very serious.

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If you'll excuse me, I have to write this diary entry

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so that I can concentrate on the newspaper.

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HE MUTTERS AND GIGGLES

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Right, it's time to wash my hair.

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"Dear Diary, I finally realise

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-"what the front-page story for the paper should be."

-What is it?

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"It's been under my nose the whole time."

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-She's writing about her MOUTH?!

-No!

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Ssh! "It's a world exclusive.

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"Marc's going to give me a ring later

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"and I'm going to tell him about the monsters."

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We're going to be in the paper!

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-We'll be famous!

-Yeah, this is great news!

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This is terrible news! If Marc puts you in the paper,

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you'll get discovered and you won't be able to live here!

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Clearly, she doesn't know that or she wouldn't tell him.

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"Hopefully, if the monsters get discovered,

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-"they won't be able to live here any more."

-Right. Well, Mum and Dad

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-would hate it.

-"Mum and Dad would love it.

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"We'd finally get some peace and quiet."

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Maybe it's not such great news after all!

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Oh!

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We need to stop Marc printing that story in the paper.

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It's fine. Norman's got a plan.

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HE MUTTERS AND SQUEALS

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I think we need another plan.

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-We give him a different story.

-A better one!

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-Then he won't print the one about us.

-I'll try to think of something.

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Don't create any more trouble. Be helpful, be serious.

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Yes, exactly. Like Norman.

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Ho-ho-ho! Oh-ho, ho-ho!

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Heh-heh...! No, Haggis, be good.

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Be good, don't...

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-Haggis!

-Oh!

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Hello! Please! Thank you! Sorry!

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You're not to read Angela's diary any more, it's private.

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-Haggis doesn't read diaries.

-All right.

-I'm a good monster,

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-I'm helpful and serious.

-If this is a tactic to get more brownies,

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-it won't work.

-Haggis doesn't eat brownies.

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Now, I know that's not true.

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I don't want any trouble. I just want to keep this family together.

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-Why wouldn't the family be together?

-Well, Marc -

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he's going to give Angela a ring and then this family won't be together!

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What?! What do you mean?!

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I'm a good monster! I don't know anything! Please! Thank you! Sorry!

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Oooh!

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PHRRRT!

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I think Marc and Angela are planning to get married.

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-Have you been talking to Haggis?

-He's giving her a ring!

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Haggis thinks the family won't be together any more!

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-Sounds promising.

-'This could be serious.'

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What if they get secretly engaged?

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Or run off together to get married like all the young celebs of today?!

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Then I won't have to pay for the wedding. Kate, you're hysterical.

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-But Haggis thinks...

-Haggis thinks there are people trapped in the TV!

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Can I get to my meeting, please?

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I saw that.

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I'm so pleased you like the story.

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-Has she said anything about us?

-I don't know. I can't really hear.

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-Why not?

-You keep on talking!

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OK. Um, see you tomorrow!

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Come on.

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Which one's the Marc button?

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Ah! RINGING TONE

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Hmm. I'm not sure if that's worked.

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..Hello?

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-Who's that?

-'It's Marc.'

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Oh, it's him! THEY CHEER

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-'Hello?'

-Oh, hi! Hello, Marc. Listen, I've got you a story.

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-It's so good, you'll have to clear the front page.

-Who is this?

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You can call me The Shadow.

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This story is so good that it will make your readers faint with shock.

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OK, what's the story, Shadow?

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-It's THE Shadow!

-What's the story, THE Shadow?

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Uh, what's the story?

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I don't know!

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-I don't know!

-What?!

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I mean, I don't know... if I can trust you.

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-You can trust me, Shadow.

-THE Shadow!

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-I don't know if you are who you say you are.

-I'm a good journalist,

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-tell me where you are and I'll meet you.

-OK.

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I'm at 87, St Olav's Avenue.

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87...? Angela's house?

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Wow! You ARE good. I'll be around soon, Shadow.

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How many times?! It's THE Shadow!!

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-How did it go?

-He's coming over.

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Now, that IS good news.

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-What's going on?

-Oh, Marc's coming over,

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so we can tell him there aren't any monsters and give him a better story!

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-You're going to do WHAT?!

-I will look him in the eye and say,

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"Listen, there aren't any monsters so you can..."

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Ah. Now, before you say anything, it wasn't me,

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-it was The Shadow.

-Who's The Shadow?

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Also me. Awkward.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Marc!

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-Angela.

-Hi.

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So, do you want to do some work on my story?

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Who is it?

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-Oh, hi, Marc.

-Hello, Mrs Carlson.

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Angela, I'm here about something bigger this time.

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-Really? What?

-Is there somewhere we can go?

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-No!

-What?

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-I'd rather you didn't, thank you. I know why you're here, Marc.

-Do you?

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Yes, and believe me, you're too young for this.

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-You're not ready.

-I am ready. I was born to do this!

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Mum! Can I have a word with you, please?

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-NORMAN BARKS

-No!

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Stay, Norman! I'll take care of this.

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Hi. Marc, isn't it? I'm Eddie.

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-Who's Norman?

-Sorry?

-I heard you say, "Stay, Norman."

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I said, "Stay normal." I tell myself that before I meet people.

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Right.

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-Look, I'm Shadow.

-You? So what's the story then?

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Erm... I was abducted by aliens and taken to Mars.

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-Really? When?

-Last Thursday.

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-And what's Mars like?

-Erm...pretty good, there's not much to do there.

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-It's quite hot.

-Why did they choose you?

-Because I'm Shadow.

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-Aren't you going to write this down?

-No, you're not the real Shadow.

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-Where is he?

-I am! I'm Shadow!

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-FIEND:

-It's THE Shadow!

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Do you think we were just going to stand by and let this happen?

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Well, the teachers are behind it.

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-The teachers know about this?

-Of course! It was their idea.

-What?

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-The school hasn't had a paper in 25 years.

-I'm not talking about a paper,

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I'm talking about you and Marc. I know he gave you a ring,

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so don't play dumb with me, be honest,

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are you running off together?

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-What?

-I mean, what are you going to do to support yourselves?

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Is he going to busk in the streets with his violin

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-while you shake a can full of change?

-Mum, this is crazy, why...?

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How do you know he plays the violin?

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Erm... He looks...musical. Is he?

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-Have you been reading my diary?

-No! Well, sort of.

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I can't believe you read it. I knew Eddie and the monsters did,

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-but you!

-But what about the ring?

-He gave me a phone call!

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He gave me a phone call about the paper.

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Right. That makes more sense.

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Of course I'm not running away with Marc, Mum. I'm 13!

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If you wanted to know what was going on, you should have asked me

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rather than sneak around behind my back

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-That's an awful thing to do.

-You're right. I should have talked to you.

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I was worried that you were growing up too quickly, I'm sorry.

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You're still Mummy's Precious Poppet, then?

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Yeah, but don't call me that.

0:19:490:19:51

-Where is he?

-There's nothing here, honest.

0:19:520:19:56

-See? Nothing!

-Why has this got my picture and my name on it?

0:19:560:20:00

Oh, we give all household objects names -

0:20:000:20:04

-more fun that way.

-What's this sheet?

0:20:040:20:07

-Stop!

-Shadow!

0:20:070:20:10

It looks like my house.

0:20:140:20:16

It doesn't sound like my house.

0:20:170:20:20

Well, I am a man of my word.

0:20:210:20:24

# Do do-do Do do-do... #

0:20:240:20:27

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

0:20:290:20:30

Don't come any closer! My identity must remain a secret.

0:20:380:20:41

-Why?

-Because I'm a member of the Royal Family.

0:20:410:20:45

Gosh! How high up?

0:20:450:20:47

-The very top!

-Not quite the top.

-Near the top.

0:20:470:20:51

-It can't get out he gave you the story.

-It could be dangerous.

0:20:510:20:55

For you, Marc.

0:20:550:20:56

A member of the Royal Family sits under a sheet in a dingy basement.

0:20:560:21:00

-That's right!

-And uses different voices.

0:21:000:21:04

-We're a strange family.

-NORMAN SQUAWKS

0:21:040:21:07

-Very strange!

-I'm happy to risk it. Danger is part of my job.

0:21:070:21:11

Please, don't.

0:21:110:21:12

-I have to look you in the eye, your majesty.

-Stop it! Stop!

0:21:120:21:16

-ANGELA: What's going on?

-Why don't you tell me!

0:21:160:21:19

This is a madhouse and I'll expose this guy for the fraud he is.

0:21:190:21:23

-Stop!

-Just come upstairs. It isn't a madhouse, I promise.

0:21:230:21:27

-I don't even know who that is.

-I'm your father!

0:21:330:21:38

You must be...Marc.

0:21:390:21:41

-I understand you want to marry my daughter?

-No!

0:21:410:21:45

-Of course not!

-Didn't think so. I knew you were wrong, Kate.

0:21:450:21:49

-I'm leaving. Your family is totally wacko.

-No, they're not!

0:21:490:21:53

Your brother thinks he's been abducted by aliens,

0:21:530:21:56

your mum won't leave you alone in a room,

0:21:560:21:57

there's someone in the basement who calls himself Shadow...

0:21:570:22:01

-FIEND:

-It's THE Shadow, numbskull!

0:22:010:22:03

-Your dad dances around like a chimpanzee...

-At least they're fun!

0:22:030:22:08

-What's that mean?

-You don't know how to have fun, Marc!

0:22:080:22:12

All you think about's the paper. I won't work with you if you beg me.

0:22:120:22:16

I see. Get tomorrow's edition.

0:22:160:22:18

I'll let everyone at school know just how much fun your family are.

0:22:180:22:23

That is why you never trust a journalist.

0:22:270:22:32

-Well, it's been nice knowing you.

-Thanks for all the food.

0:22:320:22:37

-Where are you going.

-We're leaving before someone takes us away.

0:22:370:22:42

-Why would anyone take you away?

-Because of the story in the paper.

0:22:420:22:47

Angela told Marc all about us because you want to get rid of us.

0:22:470:22:51

Of course I didn't. I gave him a story about

0:22:510:22:54

-Selina Lewis finding a mouse in her locker.

-It was in your diary!

0:22:540:22:58

That was revenge for you reading it.

0:22:580:23:01

Really?

0:23:010:23:02

-Yes.

-So we can stay?

0:23:020:23:04

Of course, you can stay, can't they?

0:23:040:23:07

- They've packed their bags... - Nick!

0:23:070:23:10

-OK, staying.

-THEY CHEER

0:23:100:23:12

"The Carlson family house of horrors...

0:23:240:23:27

"The father of Australian extraction performs a ritualistic dance

0:23:270:23:33

"possibly to ward off evil spirits.

0:23:330:23:35

"It lacks anything resembling rhythm." This is awful!

0:23:350:23:40

I've got excellent rhythm!

0:23:400:23:42

What are you looking at? NORMAN SPEAKS MONSTER

0:23:420:23:47

He's excited you're single again.

0:23:470:23:50

Not that single!

0:23:500:23:51

Martian Boy is a pathological liar who harbours a deluded

0:23:530:23:56

aristocrat in the basement, apparently his only friend!

0:23:560:24:01

Although I quite like the name Martian Boy!

0:24:010:24:04

What are you doing, Haggis?

0:24:070:24:09

I don't want to learn any more secrets it just gets me in trouble!

0:24:090:24:14

-Is that my eye mask?

-See what I mean?

0:24:140:24:17

ALL: Open the door!

0:24:200:24:22

'Angela either stopped writing her diary, or got better at hiding it.

0:24:220:24:27

'I'd learnt that snooping around people's stuff

0:24:270:24:31

'could only lead to disaster. For my monsters it didn't make

0:24:310:24:35

'a difference. Disaster would find them anyway.'

0:24:350:24:38

I'm sorry.

0:24:380:24:40

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:24:460:24:49

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0:24:490:24:52

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