Dear Diary Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends

# To share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone, I'll hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

'I once heard of this crazy thing that some people have at home.

'It's called...privacy.

'We've never had that in our house,

'which is fine by me because I've got nothing to hide.

'But for Angela, it's becoming a problem.'

Why is she touching her hair like that?

Maybe she has fleas?

SHE GIGGLES

-And she's giggling.

-Well, they are ticklish. Right, Norm?

HE SPEAKS MONSTER

I spy...

-human mum thingy person.

-What's she doing?

She's spying on Angela!

School newspaper meeting tomorrow lunch break.

-I've asked Mr Yates if we can use the table tennis room.

-Great!

-I'll bring my bat!

-There won't be time - too much to get through.

No, yeah. I know. Well, bye then, Marc!

-They're doing some sort of deal.

-Maybe he's buying the fleas.

DOOR SHUTS

What do you want?

-Was he from the flea market?

-No.

-Were you spying on me?

-Only because you were acting so strange.

-I was not!

-Well, you were smiling. You never smile!

HE SPEAKS MONSTER

I'm not being called strange by a weirdo like you.

-What about one like me?

-Oh, just leave me alone, you hairy numbskulls!

She's back to normal.

-Oh, hey, Angela, you dropped your...

-Leave me alone!

-What's all the shouting about?

-Angela was being all nice and smiley

-but she's better now.

-What's that?

Oh, it's just a book.

"Angela's diary - top secret."

This isn't just a book, it's Angela's diary!

-And we've got it!

-THEY CHEER

We've got her diary!

-What's a diary?

-I've no idea, but we've got it!

THEY LAUGH AND CHEER

It's the happiest day of my life!

I've had a really tough day at work

and I don't need to come home

to this...zoo.

The day I come home

and there's peace and quiet,

-I'll...

-What?

What will you do?

I'll dance for joy. I honestly will.

Well, we'll get out of your way.

"Thursday.

"Dear Diary, after school, I signed up for cookery class.

"We made brownies."

-Boring.

-No, tell us about the brownies!

Oh, I love food with colours in their name.

Brownies,

oranges...

I don't like greens.

Oh, yeah.

"My brownies were the best in the class.

"Well, I think so

"because they were gooey and undercooked."

That's my girl!

"Friday.

"My undercooked brownies made the class ill."

That's so sad.

"Monday.

"Well, I've met someone special.

"His name is Marc."

And? Tell us more!

"He plays the violin and runs the school newspaper.

"I like him,

"but he's very serious."

A-ha!

What happens next?

That's it. There are no more entries.

-Oh, that's a terrible ending!

-Doesn't she care about her readers?

All she needs to do is sit down,

-pick up a pen, grab the diary...

-This diary?

-Er...

-Oh, we've got the diary.

-We've got to get this back to Angela

-without her knowing.

-How do we do that?

With our most powerful weapon.

-What is it, Haggis?

-It's my...toes.

What's wrong with your toes?

Well, whenever I touch them, this happens.

HE FARTS

That's disgusting! Dad!

Disgusting, but brilliant!

It was an accident! I can't control when it happens.

Yes, but you can control where it happens.

Well, it's usually from my bottom.

No, I mean where in the house it happens!

I'm sorry, we were desperate!

We had to get our hands on some more of those lovely secrets.

What secrets?

-I think I've said too much!

-OK, I'll just have to eat all of these

brownies on my own then.

OK, OK, I'll talk!

Mmm!

We found Angela's diary

and we read about cookery class and newspapers and Marc...

Haggis, that is terrible. Her diary is private.

You shouldn't be sticking your big hairy noses into...

What about Marc?!

-He's "serious."

-What do you mean? What about, about her?

-I don't know.

She just wrote "serious".

HE GROANS

He plays the violin...

Wait, wait, wait!

No secrets, no brownies.

Do you want Haggis to steal back the diary?

I never said that.

I just said the more I know about Angela,

the more I want to bake.

-Give it back!

-..Angela's diary!

-No, you have to stay down here!

-I need it now!

-No, stay here.

-Daddy!

HE TRUMPETS

What's up with him?

He's a wreck, too. He thought Angela liked him.

I mean, what can this Marc figure have that he doesn't, hmm?

Well, for a start, he's a human.

-Oh.

-And he's very "serious", which she seems to like.

Oh, Angela's diary! Oh, I need it now!

No!

Why don't we just take our minds off it?

Just relax.

Take deep breaths.

Think of a field,

warmed by the sun.

A cool breeze.

The birds are tweeting.

HE TWEETS

Oh, yes, that's nice. I'm not thinking about it at all now.

We need to get more stuff from Angela's diary!

-Ah, Angela's diary! Angela's diary!

-All right!

-But you have to wait till tomorrow!

-No!

But why?!

-Because she hasn't written anything new yet!

-Oh, yeah. Good point.

-If I were a diary, where would I be?

-Stop it!

If we disturb her room, then she'll know we've been here!

Maybe you should've said that a bit earlier.

-HE SPEAKS MONSTER

-Well done, Norm!

"Dear Diary, I really admire Marc's commitment to the newspaper.

"He needs a story for the front page

"and I reckon if I can come up with it, he might fall for me."

-Huh!

-Yugh!

-I'm home!

-Oh, no! She's coming! Everyone out!

-Where did you find this?

-Uh... Uh...

-He can't remember!

-Think!

-Uh...

-He can't remember how to think!

Quickly! Are you sure?

-He's totally sure, yes.

-Let's go. Everyone out!

Uh... Ah! Ah!

Hmmm!

Quiet.

-Watch out, Dad!

-A-a-argh!

Get off me!

Blimey!

-I was just about to do my dance of joy, as well!

-Sorry, Dad.

Ooh!

If you ever need a dance partner, I love to tango!

-"Dear Diary..."

-Yes?

-I remember that bit.

What came next?

Something about commitment.

What about commitment?!

I don't know.

What's commitment?

They've made some sort of commitment to each other!

-She's 13 years old!

-Have you spoken to her about it?

-Not exactly.

-How do you know so much?

-I have my sources.

-Is your source big and hairy?

-Maybe.

Then I have to get back to work. I tend not to trust intelligence

passed to me by aliens, flying pigs and big red monsters.

And I saw that.

NORMAN SINGS TO HIMSELF

Why are you dressed like that?

-Who, me?

-You look very serious.

If you'll excuse me, I have to write this diary entry

so that I can concentrate on the newspaper.

HE MUTTERS AND GIGGLES

Right, it's time to wash my hair.

"Dear Diary, I finally realise

-"what the front-page story for the paper should be."

-What is it?

"It's been under my nose the whole time."

-She's writing about her MOUTH?!

-No!

Ssh! "It's a world exclusive.

"Marc's going to give me a ring later

"and I'm going to tell him about the monsters."

We're going to be in the paper!

-We'll be famous!

-Yeah, this is great news!

This is terrible news! If Marc puts you in the paper,

you'll get discovered and you won't be able to live here!

Clearly, she doesn't know that or she wouldn't tell him.

"Hopefully, if the monsters get discovered,

-"they won't be able to live here any more."

-Right. Well, Mum and Dad

-would hate it.

-"Mum and Dad would love it.

"We'd finally get some peace and quiet."

Maybe it's not such great news after all!

Oh!

We need to stop Marc printing that story in the paper.

It's fine. Norman's got a plan.

HE MUTTERS AND SQUEALS

I think we need another plan.

-We give him a different story.

-A better one!

-Then he won't print the one about us.

-I'll try to think of something.

Don't create any more trouble. Be helpful, be serious.

Yes, exactly. Like Norman.

Ho-ho-ho! Oh-ho, ho-ho!

Heh-heh...! No, Haggis, be good.

Be good, don't...

-Haggis!

-Oh!

Hello! Please! Thank you! Sorry!

You're not to read Angela's diary any more, it's private.

-Haggis doesn't read diaries.

-All right.

-I'm a good monster,

-I'm helpful and serious.

-If this is a tactic to get more brownies,

-it won't work.

-Haggis doesn't eat brownies.

Now, I know that's not true.

I don't want any trouble. I just want to keep this family together.

-Why wouldn't the family be together?

-Well, Marc -

he's going to give Angela a ring and then this family won't be together!

What?! What do you mean?!

I'm a good monster! I don't know anything! Please! Thank you! Sorry!

Oooh!

PHRRRT!

I think Marc and Angela are planning to get married.

-Have you been talking to Haggis?

-He's giving her a ring!

Haggis thinks the family won't be together any more!

-Sounds promising.

-'This could be serious.'

What if they get secretly engaged?

Or run off together to get married like all the young celebs of today?!

Then I won't have to pay for the wedding. Kate, you're hysterical.

-But Haggis thinks...

-Haggis thinks there are people trapped in the TV!

Can I get to my meeting, please?

I saw that.

I'm so pleased you like the story.

-Has she said anything about us?

-I don't know. I can't really hear.

-Why not?

-You keep on talking!

OK. Um, see you tomorrow!

Come on.

Which one's the Marc button?

Ah! RINGING TONE

Hmm. I'm not sure if that's worked.

..Hello?

-Who's that?

-'It's Marc.'

Oh, it's him! THEY CHEER

-'Hello?'

-Oh, hi! Hello, Marc. Listen, I've got you a story.

-It's so good, you'll have to clear the front page.

-Who is this?

You can call me The Shadow.

This story is so good that it will make your readers faint with shock.

OK, what's the story, Shadow?

-It's THE Shadow!

-What's the story, THE Shadow?

Uh, what's the story?

I don't know!

-I don't know!

-What?!

I mean, I don't know... if I can trust you.

-You can trust me, Shadow.

-THE Shadow!

-I don't know if you are who you say you are.

-I'm a good journalist,

-tell me where you are and I'll meet you.

-OK.

I'm at 87, St Olav's Avenue.

87...? Angela's house?

Wow! You ARE good. I'll be around soon, Shadow.

How many times?! It's THE Shadow!!

-How did it go?

-He's coming over.

Now, that IS good news.

-What's going on?

-Oh, Marc's coming over,

so we can tell him there aren't any monsters and give him a better story!

-You're going to do WHAT?!

-I will look him in the eye and say,

"Listen, there aren't any monsters so you can..."

Ah. Now, before you say anything, it wasn't me,

-it was The Shadow.

-Who's The Shadow?

Also me. Awkward.

DOORBELL RINGS

Marc!

-Angela.

-Hi.

So, do you want to do some work on my story?

Who is it?

-Oh, hi, Marc.

-Hello, Mrs Carlson.

Angela, I'm here about something bigger this time.

-Really? What?

-Is there somewhere we can go?

-No!

-What?

-I'd rather you didn't, thank you. I know why you're here, Marc.

-Do you?

Yes, and believe me, you're too young for this.

-You're not ready.

-I am ready. I was born to do this!

Mum! Can I have a word with you, please?

-NORMAN BARKS

-No!

Stay, Norman! I'll take care of this.

Hi. Marc, isn't it? I'm Eddie.

-Who's Norman?

-Sorry?

-I heard you say, "Stay, Norman."

I said, "Stay normal." I tell myself that before I meet people.

Right.

-Look, I'm Shadow.

-You? So what's the story then?

Erm... I was abducted by aliens and taken to Mars.

-Really? When?

-Last Thursday.

-And what's Mars like?

-Erm...pretty good, there's not much to do there.

-It's quite hot.

-Why did they choose you?

-Because I'm Shadow.

-Aren't you going to write this down?

-No, you're not the real Shadow.

-Where is he?

-I am! I'm Shadow!

-FIEND:

-It's THE Shadow!

Do you think we were just going to stand by and let this happen?

Well, the teachers are behind it.

-The teachers know about this?

-Of course! It was their idea.

-What?

-The school hasn't had a paper in 25 years.

-I'm not talking about a paper,

I'm talking about you and Marc. I know he gave you a ring,

so don't play dumb with me, be honest,

are you running off together?

-What?

-I mean, what are you going to do to support yourselves?

Is he going to busk in the streets with his violin

-while you shake a can full of change?

-Mum, this is crazy, why...?

How do you know he plays the violin?

Erm... He looks...musical. Is he?

-Have you been reading my diary?

-No! Well, sort of.

I can't believe you read it. I knew Eddie and the monsters did,

-but you!

-But what about the ring?

-He gave me a phone call!

He gave me a phone call about the paper.

Right. That makes more sense.

Of course I'm not running away with Marc, Mum. I'm 13!

If you wanted to know what was going on, you should have asked me

rather than sneak around behind my back

-That's an awful thing to do.

-You're right. I should have talked to you.

I was worried that you were growing up too quickly, I'm sorry.

You're still Mummy's Precious Poppet, then?

Yeah, but don't call me that.

-Where is he?

-There's nothing here, honest.

-See? Nothing!

-Why has this got my picture and my name on it?

Oh, we give all household objects names -

-more fun that way.

-What's this sheet?

-Stop!

-Shadow!

It looks like my house.

It doesn't sound like my house.

Well, I am a man of my word.

# Do do-do Do do-do... #

HE SINGS TO HIMSELF

Don't come any closer! My identity must remain a secret.

-Why?

-Because I'm a member of the Royal Family.

Gosh! How high up?

-The very top!

-Not quite the top.

-Near the top.

-It can't get out he gave you the story.

-It could be dangerous.

For you, Marc.

A member of the Royal Family sits under a sheet in a dingy basement.

-That's right!

-And uses different voices.

-We're a strange family.

-NORMAN SQUAWKS

-Very strange!

-I'm happy to risk it. Danger is part of my job.

Please, don't.

-I have to look you in the eye, your majesty.

-Stop it! Stop!

-ANGELA: What's going on?

-Why don't you tell me!

This is a madhouse and I'll expose this guy for the fraud he is.

-Stop!

-Just come upstairs. It isn't a madhouse, I promise.

-I don't even know who that is.

-I'm your father!

You must be...Marc.

-I understand you want to marry my daughter?

-No!

-Of course not!

-Didn't think so. I knew you were wrong, Kate.

-I'm leaving. Your family is totally wacko.

-No, they're not!

Your brother thinks he's been abducted by aliens,

your mum won't leave you alone in a room,

there's someone in the basement who calls himself Shadow...

-FIEND:

-It's THE Shadow, numbskull!

-Your dad dances around like a chimpanzee...

-At least they're fun!

-What's that mean?

-You don't know how to have fun, Marc!

All you think about's the paper. I won't work with you if you beg me.

I see. Get tomorrow's edition.

I'll let everyone at school know just how much fun your family are.

That is why you never trust a journalist.

-Well, it's been nice knowing you.

-Thanks for all the food.

-Where are you going.

-We're leaving before someone takes us away.

-Why would anyone take you away?

-Because of the story in the paper.

Angela told Marc all about us because you want to get rid of us.

Of course I didn't. I gave him a story about

-Selina Lewis finding a mouse in her locker.

-It was in your diary!

That was revenge for you reading it.

Really?

-Yes.

-So we can stay?

Of course, you can stay, can't they?

- They've packed their bags... - Nick!

-OK, staying.

-THEY CHEER

"The Carlson family house of horrors...

"The father of Australian extraction performs a ritualistic dance

"possibly to ward off evil spirits.

"It lacks anything resembling rhythm." This is awful!

I've got excellent rhythm!

What are you looking at? NORMAN SPEAKS MONSTER

He's excited you're single again.

Not that single!

Martian Boy is a pathological liar who harbours a deluded

aristocrat in the basement, apparently his only friend!

Although I quite like the name Martian Boy!

What are you doing, Haggis?

I don't want to learn any more secrets it just gets me in trouble!

-Is that my eye mask?

-See what I mean?

ALL: Open the door!

'Angela either stopped writing her diary, or got better at hiding it.

'I'd learnt that snooping around people's stuff

'could only lead to disaster. For my monsters it didn't make

'a difference. Disaster would find them anyway.'

I'm sorry.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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