Baby Love Me and My Monsters

# You're my light When I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands When my arms are tied

# You colour me in When I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown And you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends To share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely if you Need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

PHONE RINGS

Hello? Oh, hi, Linda!

How's the new baby?

Being a mum's a difficult job.

You have to do three things at once and then another five,

but all the time looking like you're doing nothing at all.

That's impressive.

Oh, no, Linda, that would be absolutely fine.

Angela would love to look after your new baby boy while you and I go out.

Gimme, gimme, gimme!

See you later!

Angela's not going to like that!

-She won't mind.

-I won't mind what?

-Looking after my friend Linda's baby this afternoon.

-No way!

You see? I told you she wouldn't mind.

Mum, you know I can't stand babies.

I know, that's because they remind you of you, isn't it?

Ah!

Well, I think that went very well.

You should see little Rufus, though, Nick,

he is the cutest baby, he really is.

Oh, dear. The last time I saw that look in your eye, we got Eddie.

Remember how cute he and Angela used to be?

Not like they are now, they were both so much more...baby.

I miss having babies around.

No, no, no, no, no, no way! Look, don't even think about it.

Two children in this household is quite enough.

We've got more than two, darling.

Ta-da!

My point exactly.

Norman says, why was the human mum thingy talking about babies?

What's a babies?

A baby is like a tiny little person.

I get it.

-He doesn't.

-Haggis?

-Hmm?

-Pass me that thing you're sitting on.

-My bottom?

No, the thing under it.

-Oh.

-This is my baby photo album.

-Oh...

-This is me as a baby.

That can't be you, it's tiny!

I got bigger.

Mum and Dad stretched you?

That's awful!

And the little you has no hair! Do you wear a wig?

Haggis, see if it comes off!

-Ow!

-No, this wig is stuck on pretty good.

Get off! It's not a wig!

Your hair grows as you get older.

All right, you fur balls. My hairbrush is missing,

and it doesn't take a genius of

my intelligence to work out that you've stolen it.

-Ah-ha!

-Hey, that Norman's toothbrush!

Oh, I can't apologise enough.

Wait, no, I can't apologise at all!

You can keep that.

-Now, that's what I call a wig!

-Can we have a babies?

No, only mummies and daddies know how to make them.

Well, I guess we better ask the human dad thingy, then.

Argh!

-Don't do that!

-Too close?

Go away, I've got a lot of work to do.

We were wondering if we could ask you a question.

If I answer the question, what are the chances of you leaving me alone?

Hmm, 50/50?

I'll take the odds. What's the question?

Where do babies come from?

Ah... That's not what I was expecting at all.

How do I explain this?

Yes! Let me tell you about the birds and the bees!

OK, so there's a bee, it's flying along, it lands on a flower,

then the bird comes along, yeah? And, pop, it plucks the flower.

SQUEAKING

Norman wants to know what kind of bird it is.

I don't know, it's a pigeon.

So, the mummy bird plucks the flower, and its tummy gets all big

because it's got an egg in there.

Oh, eggs! I love eggs!

Do you want to know this or not?

That's what we said, yes. I can't believe you forgotten already!

OK, where was I?

On the chair, there. You haven't moved.

I know, right? OK, I think you're getting a little bit confused.

Why don't I summarise where we've got to? So there's a bee...

and a bag of flour, and then a bird comes along,

yeah, somehow gets stung by the bee,

and he's eaten an egg, tummy gets all big...

That's not what I said not all.

Are you sure? You couldn't remember where you were sitting earlier.

So how does the babies come?

The baby's in the mum's tummy, it gets delivered,

that's how you get one and that's all I'm going to say!

Hold on.

Why are you asking me this?

Has Kate been talking to you about babies?

Maybe...and maybe she's been talking to babies about you!

-What does that mean?

-No idea, I never know what to say to them!

So long!

-Ah! I need a rest after all that intensive learning.

-Me too.

Oh! Something just bit me on my bottom!

Relax, Haggis, it was probably just a bee.

Wait! A bee stung you!

And you had an egg this morning!

Yes, I did, it was a delicious green one.

Rrrrrrrrr!

Hmm. Why is Norman pointing at my tummy?

Because your tummy's all big and you've been stung by a bee

and you had an egg this morning!

Haggis, you're going to have a baby!

I knew it, I knew it!

I knew I wasn't fat, I...

I'm so happy!

-Haggis, why are you crying?

-I'm going to have a baby!

We're all very excited, Haggis mainly.

Don't be silly, Haggis, you're not pregnant,

you've just got a big belly.

How can you say such a thing?

A mother knows!

-Ah-ha, isn't it girl monsters who have babies?

-Yep!

Well, Haggis is a boy.

Ah, yes...good point, Eddie.

I'm so sorry, Haggis, we've gone and got this all totally wrong.

You must be a girl.

I guess I was wrong, then.

So how does the baby come out?

The human dad thingy said it's going to be delivered.

I'm assuming by post.

NORMAN SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Norman's asking if your mother made you, Eddie,

and Haggis is making his baby, I mean her baby, then who made Norman?

Don't ask me. Sorry, Norm.

Right, now,

if Haggis is going to have a baby, we have a lot of preparation to do.

I saw a programme once where someone had a baby.

-What happened?

-Well, apparently you need lots of hot towels.

This really doesn't sound anything like what I was learning in biology.

I think I'll go look it up in my textbook.

Well, suit yourself. Haggis, you go and get the towels,

I'll go and buy a whole load of baby things from the internet.

-This one's nice and hot.

-All done buying the baby stuff!

I chose super-ultra-hyper-lightspeed fast-as-you-like,

"Come on, come on, get out of my way!" express delivery,

so it should be here pretty soon.

So...how's it all going in a hot towel central?

This one has gone cold again!

Having a baby is more complicated than I thought.

Bedoing!

Oh, Norman, you found her.

Haggis, that is not Norman's mum, that is a balloon animal.

That's it, that's it. I hate living with you jumped-up hamsters.

First you steal my hairbrush, then you nick my hairdryer.

-What do you think you're doing?

-We're making hot towels.

Haggis is pregnant.

There's a baby in my tummy.

Oh, I see, you're pregnant.

Well, I know everything there is to know about babies so...

How do you work that out?

I'm the cleverest person in this family.

I'm 13, the age when you know the most things.

Before 13, you're learning stuff,

and after that you're forgetting it.

You think Mum and Dad are cleverer just because they're older?

No way! They are 25 years stupider.

So are you going to listen to me or...?

-Yes, sir!

-Sure thing!

Right, well, let's get started.

Before we do, I think we all know that this little monster baby needs

a father, and while I am not the real father,

and I'd like to make that absolutely clear,

I am willing to volunteer for the role.

Oh, I think I'm going to cry!

This supportive father thing is tougher than I thought.

Perhaps I should get some advice from the real thing.

How's things, Nick?

Can I call you Nick? I think it's appropriate given the situation.

You promised you'd go away.

I said 50/50. Anyway, Nick, just thought I'd drop in and have a chat

about this whole "new dad" thing.

I'm not going to be a new father.

No, no, of course. You're not going to be a "new" father.

You've done it before.

Now, let me pick your brains.

What's the first thing that comes into your head when I say the words,

"Congratulations, you're a dad"!

-What?

-Hmm, terror.

Interesting. Well, I can relate to that.

It is frightening, isn't it?

So there's really going to be a new baby? Kate hasn't said anything.

-Why would she?

-I'm not ready for this.

Ha! You and me both, buster!

Anyway, Nick, thanks for the chat.

You've been great.

It's important to remember to breathe.

OK.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Now, what was I supposed to remember again?

It doesn't say anything in here about baby monsters.

What's going on?

And what are you doing here?

Angela is teaching Haggis about having a baby.

Since when were you the expert?

And why is Norman hugging the microwave?

-It told him that it was his mother.

-Ping!

-See?

World's greatest mum.

OK, we need to make the room just right for the baby to be delivered.

Norman, you need to tap-dance. While sticking a finger in each ear.

Fiend, you need to be chanting,

"Welcome, Mr Baby, please come and say hello".

Welcome Mr Baby, please come and say hello.

Now, you don't want to scare the baby

so you need to be nice and quiet.

Stop it!

You're just doing this to make us all looks stupid.

DOORBELL

Got to go.

Oh, I'm so going to get Angela for this.

Ooh! Oh, I can feel something.

No, You can't, Haggis.

It's coming. Boil some towels.

Oh Oh! Oh! OH!

HE BREAKS WIND

Now, erm, as you were.

-Angela?

-Yes.

-You're looking after my little angel this afternoon.

-Oh, I thought I was looking after your baby.

-Angela.

-I mean, that's right.

-Make sure you take good care of him.

Don't you worry. He'll be fine with me.

I'm used to dealing with little monsters.

I mean, he seems very nice.

He is. To be honest, it'll be good to get away for a couple of hours

and have a real conversation that doesn't just involve me going,

"Goo, goo, goo!"

Well, I can't definitely promise better than that.

Let's go.

Hello, Baby. Hello, Baby.

-CRYING

-Hmm? My baby's here.

Your dad said it would be delivered and it has been!

No, that baby upstairs belongs to a friend of Mum's.

Yeah, well, that's me.

I'm a friend of your mum's.

Oh, come on, that was a funny face.

This is going to be a rubbish afternoon.

Where's my baby? Where's my...?

He looks just like me.

Yeah, same, big, fat face.

-So, what does he do?

-Nothing. It doesn't know how

to do anything for itself yet. Well, it can sleep and eat and poo.

Ah! Like Haggis but smaller!

NORMAN SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Norman wants to know when we can start stretching it.

You can't stretch a baby!

Well how else is it going to grow?

It grows by itself. Hello, hello.

What's it wearing on its bottom?

It's like underpants but you

-don't have to take them off to go to the toilet.

-What, you just...?

-Yeah, go in them.

-Brilliant!

-Ha ha!

-Wow! That baby's the best monster ever.

We should make him our king.

Oh, I think I love my little...

-I'm going to have to think of a name.

-He needs a name.

He already has a name. His name's Rufus.

Are you trying to name Haggis' baby?

This is not Haggis' baby. Go on, Eddie, tell them.

-Well, was it your baby?

-No.

Well, then it must be Haggis' baby.

BABY BREAKS WIND

You see? He takes after his mother.

Why does he keep crying?

Probably because he's frightened of your awful voice.

-Hey, look, this should help.

-Oh, Eddie, get off.

What? I'm just doing what you said.

-OK.

-Admit it. You made all that stuff up.

OK, just get off.

I can't let you look after my baby because you are very irresponsible.

Give me my baby.

You're not having the baby.

BABY CRIES

BABY STOPS CRYING

BABY CRIES

BABY STOPS CRYING

Maybe you should look after him.

Well, of course I should!

-I'm his mummy.

-Now, what say we give this baby a name, hm?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi! New baby, is it?

Very exciting. Congratulations!

-Sign here, thanks.

-Hm? What?

Thank you.

No, wait. No, I'm not having a new baby.

Am I?!

Are you sure that's how you spell it?

NORMAN SPEAKS GIBBERISH

OK, what's everyone's favourite?

EVERYONE SHOUTS

-OK, this is getting us nowhere.

-You choose, Eddie.

-I like them all.

-What about all of them?

What, Bim-Bim Trussle Larald Buster Hey You Gandhi Chestnut Barmcake

-Bing III Buzz Ping Squeak Wha Boing Boing?

-Boing-boing!

I'll call him Bim-Bim for short.

Now then, how's the kid doing?

You do realise he's not actually your baby?

Of course it's not my baby!

Oh, good.

It's Haggis's! So, tell me, is he talking yet?

No! He's a baby.

Hm... I'm worried about our boy, Haggis.

He can't even speak!

I think we might have a simpleton on our hands. Another you!

A good school, that's what he needs.

Smarten him up. Hm, I think I should get an experienced opinion on this.

Nick, quick question.

Have you thought about schools?

Perhaps we can use some of the old Carlson family connections.

I mean, yes, Australia is a long distance for a school run,

but sometimes a father has to make sacrifices.

-What?

-Oh, you are so right!

Wow, this has definitely helped.

That's really a weight off my mind.

Good talking to you.

-Did you have a nice time, darling?

-Yes.

-Can I just have a quick word with you?

-Of course, darling.

Linda, I won't be a sec.

OK. I'll leave you to it.

Why have you bought all this baby stuff?

Why have YOU bought all this baby stuff?

-Are you trying to tell me something?

-Are you trying to tell ME something?

-You're pregnant, aren't you?

-What?

Is that why you bought this stuff?

I thought you bought it! That's why I assumed you must be...

I didn't buy it, Nick, because I'm not pregnant.

Well, who bought it all, then?

BOTH: Monsters.

You had better tell me what is going on around here right now,

or there's going to be a lot of trouble.

-I've had a baby.

-What?

Well, sort of.

Haggis thought he was pregnant, and then...

How on earth did Haggis think he was pregnant?

Well, there was a bee, and I'd had an egg,

and there was a baby in my tummy,

and it got delivered, just like he said.

-Nick? What have you told them?

-Just about the birds and the bees.

He's a brilliant man, your husband.

Yeah, look, about that...

By the time I count to three,

I do not want to see a single monster in this room.

That's fine. There's two of us.

-Get out!

-Immediately.

-OK.

Not that way! We have company!

Hi, Kate.

Sorry to be a pain, but I need to be getting Rufus home soon for his bath,

-so I'll just take him and be off.

-Absolutely, Linda.

Where's the baby?

-It was just in the pram!

-Haggis must have taken it.

Then go get him back!

Linda!

Erm, can I please show you something in the hallway?

Coochie coochie coo! How's my little babykins?

Ah, don't you worry about our boy, Haggis. I'm keeping an eye on him.

And another eight, just to be safe!

Wait, look at how he's lying there.

Is that normal, what he's doing?

I've no idea. I'm a terrible father!

And how am I going to make him eat his vegetables? I hate vegetables.

I won't be able to demonstrate! Oh, this is way too much responsibility!

Haggis, that's not your baby. You have to give him back.

Yes. Thank you. Take him away! We're unfit parents!

But he's my baby. You said so!

I know I did, Haggis, but I was just trying to get Angela back.

And she was so bad at looking after the baby, and you were good at it.

But of course I was good at it. He's my baby!

OK, that's it. I'm getting Mum.

-Nice hallway, huh?

-Yes...

Is that what you wanted to show me?

No! No. Angela!

Hey, let's show Linda that dance we do!

Mum, can you go and fix this thing in the basement, please?

I'd love to.

One moment, Linda.

Nick, what on earth is going on?

Do you like being a mummy, Haggis?

Yes, I do.

It's great, isn't it?

It's absolutely my favourite thing.

I mean, OK, it can be pretty tiring, and children

always want everything done for them.

Everything.

I mean, why can't they do it for themselves?

I never get a moment's peace.

I feel so fat and ugly.

I can't get into any of my nice clothes.

I know! It's hard being a mum.

But I love it, because I love my babies,

just like you love that little baby.

But there's someone who loves him even more than you do, Haggis -

his real mummy.

And she'd like to have him back.

But isn't he my baby?

I'm afraid not.

I know Nick told you about the birds and the bees,

but you really shouldn't listen to a thing

my ridiculous husband tells you.

-That is a slight on a wonderful man!

-Be quiet, Fiend.

Anyway, babies come out of girl monsters, and you're not a girl,

even thought you've got a handbag.

MY handbag!

Can I be a daddy?

Maybe one day. Maybe you'll meet a lady monster and together

you can be the mummy and the daddy

and have all the monster babies you want.

I would be a good daddy.

I'm sure you would. But you need to give me Rufus back now.

OK.

Thank you.

Bye-bye, little Bim-Bim Trussle Fiend II Larald Hey You Gandhi

Chestnut Barmcake Fiend III Buzz Ping Squeak Wha

Boing Boing.

Goodbye, Son!

Make good choices!

Follow your bliss!

Join in when you think you've got it, Linda.

Nick, stop dancing. I want my baby back right now, please!

Here you go, Linda, your beautiful baby boy.

He was just having such a nice sleep I didn't want to wake him.

Anyway, really lovely to see you again.

-Bye! Don't be a stranger.

-Thanks!

Why has Norman got a microwave?

-It's his mother.

-Mm, it told him in beeps.

Beep beep beep!

That just means the food's ready.

Er, yes, I thought so.

It just seemed mean to point it out.

Sorry, Normy, old pal,

looks like you're going to have to keep on looking.

NORMAN SQUEAKS

Well, you can keep on looking in the basement. Go on, shoo.

And as for you, Angela, I think you and I

need to have a long and boring talk about responsibility.

Don't you?

Haggis, what's the matter?

No babies for me any more.

Yeah. Shame.

Oh, well, things move on.

Que sera sera. Tomorrow's another day.

-Plenty more fish in the sea.

-Yes.

-Many a mickle makes a muckle.

-Any of this helping?

-No, not really.

No. All I wanted to be was a mummy.

NORMAN SQUEAKS

Ta-da!

Oh! Erm, for me?

I hate to admit it, but parents have a tough job.

Having kids is actually quite hard work.

But you don't need a real baby to have someone to look after.

There's normally someone in the family who's happy to act like one.

# Don't be sad and lonely If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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