Call of the Mild Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

NORM JIBBERS

BUZZING

-EDDIE:

-'When you're a kid, people are always telling you to change.

'Change that face you're pulling,

'change your attitude. Change your underwear more than once a week.

'It never stops.'

-Screwdriver...

Screwdriver!

'Lucky monsters. No-one ever expects them to be something they're not.'

Metal-licious!

BURP!

Will someone please hand me a screwdriver?

Ewwwww!

-CLANG!

-Ow!

Never mind.

I just don't understand why the plumbing's been playing up so much.

-PIPES GROAN

-Want me to look at it?

I'm quite the expert at the old DIY.

HE CLICKS SWITCH

How many Carlsons does it take to change a light bulb?

One. Just not you, darling.

-CLATTERING

-Hey!

Paws out of there, I have a system.

A place for everything, and everything in its place.

Speaking of which, isn't it time for certain furry freeloaders

-to go back down to their enclosure?

-Ohhh!

Can't we stay up here just a bit longer, human mum lady?

It's not like we're doing any harm!

NORM SCREECHES, PIPES GROAN

GLASS SMASHES

NORM SHUDDERS

What? It's not supposed to do that?

-BOTH:

-Basement!

It's unbelievable!

Yeah, unbelievable.

-It stinks!

-Yeah! Yeah, it stinks! Er...

what were we angry about again, Eddie?

You guys being banished from upstairs AGAIN.

And when we were being so helpful too!

Yeah! We're always helpful.

Just the other night, we found a new spider the size of a football!

And we made him a special new home.

Wait...the size of a football? Seriously?!

Yeah! Look!

I wondered what that ball of pipes was.

Whoa!

He's a beast!

We even came up with a special new name for him.

Large Spider!

That's very...accurate.

Yes! It was a long three days coming up with THAT one,

I can tell you!

-Bing-gub-buh-bye! Whoo!

-RUMBLING

Hang on.

So, are you telling me you did this to the water pipes?

Yep, all our own handiwork.

Impressive, huh?

Oh, that explains the plumbing problems upstairs.

You've twisted all those pipes into a ball and ruined the whole system.

If this gets any worse, they might burst.

Then there's no way you'll be able to stay down here.

That's it! Just think...

the smallest knock might make it spring a leak.

Screwdriver.

CLANGING AND RATTLING

Uh-oh...

Well, that worked slightly better than expected.

Eddie - dinner! Hey...

I thought I told you -

downstairs to the basement, or I call pest control.

"Pssst" - "ahhhh!"

Yeah, we would, Mr C, but the...

"damp" problem seems to have got a teensy tiny bit worse.

The "damp"?

Since when do monsters worry about damp?

-Er...

-Er...

SPLASHING

I'm just going to grab a towel.

Right, here's the deal. The basement is flooded,

-so the monsters will have to stay upstairs for dinner.

-Yes!

I mean...yeah. I suppose that's true. Carry on.

They'll have to stay upstairs while your father very sweetly attempts

to prove to me that he's not completely useless at fixing stuff.

Some say, "D-I-Y". I say, "D-I-why not?"

Thanks, Mum. You won't regret it.

I just hope you guys can show me that you know how to behave

like grown-ups.

Stay still, wriggly worm!

So, isn't this nice, all of us humans and monsters

dining together for the first, and, without a doubt, last, time?

HE SNIFFS

Ah...ah...ah...

Eddie!

Ah....ATCHOO!

Ha...ha...now, that's what I call seasoning.

Fiend! Excuse me.

So, Mum, it's really cool how laid-back you are.

You're not the kind of parent who says no.

You let us experience new things.

And that's why you're so great.

Out with it!

Everyone is going to this movie tomorrow and I really want to go,

but it's sort of over-15s only.

What kind of film?

Uh, well, I guess you could call it a romantic comedy,

with, you know, a hint of adventure.

-Title?

-Undead Zombie Freaks Wreck Britain...

-Nope!

-But you don't even know what it's about yet!

HE GRUNTS AND GROANS Gotcha!

SMASHING

Um...think of all the washing up this is saving you.

Eddie!

All right, all right, I'll take them back to the basement.

Sorry, no can do.

Why not?

Well, I was just defending myself against a mega spider.

Darn it, that's a better name!

And it seems that, in the fray, I may have made the leak a bit bigger.

It's going to be at least 24 hours till the place is habitable again.

Which means a day off work for me.

DIY-ing it, baby. Oh, yeah. Carbs, that's what we're talking about.

Honestly! Fine.

Eddie, make up some beds, the monsters can sleep in your room.

CHEERING

-Shhh.

-Shhh!

No midnight feasts, no pillow fights,

and no jumping on the bed.

Do I make myself clear?

Crystal.

-Woo-hoo!

-Ahh!

Not tonight, OK?

This is your shot at going totally free-range.

-You can't afford to blow it now.

-Sorry, Ed.

But this whole "being sensible" gig, it doesn't come natural to us!

We're born to misbehave!

That's why I'm enrolling you in Eddie's Night School.

Tonight's topic is how to act grown-up.

CRUNCHING

-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Hee-hee-hee!

We're terribly, quite amazingly sorry about breaking the table,

human-woman-mum. It was terribly monsterish of us.

Um, apology accepted.

Thanks, Fiend.

Please, would you like more tea, please, Mrs Carlson?

Er, thanks, Haggis!

POSH VOICE: Thank you!

-HE BREATHES OUT

-Woah, not so close, Norman!

Actually, that's minty fresh breath, Norm!

HE GURGLES

Did he just say "thank you"?

He did. And I have also successfully used the toilet!

And I only fell in once!

Monsters living in the basement I can just about handle.

But monsters in my shower, using my loofah...

Not happy.

I, for one, am impressed.

Our monsters are really changing their ways.

I thought you'd be pleased.

Yeah. Well, I still don't see why Eddie's allowed to have his friends

around 24/7, but I'm not allowed to see one zombie-apocalypse movie.

Look, I've checked out the other movies -

what about High School Hoedown?

Square dancing ain't just for squares!

I'll even come with you!

What about it?

I am just going to walk away with what little remains of my dignity.

CRASH!

I really, really want to laugh my head off right now.

But I guess that wouldn't be very grown-up.

-DAD:

-This has taken all day. Work, you stupid pipes!

DELICATE PIANO MUSIC

Hey, you guys!

Mum and Dad are out, so we are free to P-A-R-T-Y!

-Cos we got to...

-HE SWITCHES STATION

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

Fiend...what's up?

What's up? The ceiling, a light bulb that needs replacing,

and does that jacket belong on the floor,

young man? Hmm?

No, it does not! Humph!

Hey, Norm, what's he in a mood about?

-Ahem.

-HE SINGS

What is it? All spice?

Bay leaves...cloves...

Norman, have you alphabetised the spice rack?

HE GABBLES

OK, I get it, you're still acting grown-up, aren't you?

It's OK, Mum and Dad aren't here, you can drop the act.

Tell 'em, Haggis.

Hello, Edward.

OK, now I'm freaked out.

I think you should sit down nicely and tell us how your day was, hmm?

Please, thank you, may I?

Guys, snap out of it!

Snap out of what, honey?

All this grown-up stuff, it's just not you.

I know. Let's play "Name That Farty Armpit Tune."

I'll go first.

FARTY NOISES

Ee-buck-ah-kahne-wah.

You're right, Norman, that IS disgusting.

Dinner's in 20 minutes.

Oh, no! You've been upstairs for too long.

You've been brainwashed.

You've...grown up!

And I quote...

"This film is a masterpiece."

"..of gory splattertainment." The answer is no, Angela.

N-O. No.

But everyone is going!

-No, they're not.

-They're not, little lady!

I wasn't talking to you, Fiend. This family is insane!

Angela, wait a second.

Did you see how I improvised there?

That "little lady" thing just sort of came to me.

Mmm, I'm really getting the hang of this grown-up stuff.

Anyone asks you a question, you just say "no". It's fun!

Maybe you should let me deal with the kids, OK, Fiend?

Oh, look, the news is on.

Is that the time already?

Oh, I'm dying to see how that whole fishing quotas story has developed

in the last half hour.

Great news, guys, the basement is all dried out. You can go home!

Brilliant!

I mean... We're sorry to see you go.

Really.

Bye-bye, though!

Gosh, Kate, that's a jolly kind offer, it really is,

but we rather think we might prefer to stay upstairs.

What are you saying exactly?

I suppose we're saying thanks...

but no thanks.

HAGGIS FARTS

MONSTERS LAUGH

Beg pardon.

They just hang around up there all day long, getting under our feet,

interfering with our stuff, asking us for more tea.

-It's just like having your gran to stay, but with more hair.

-Nick!

No, OK, sorry, no. You're right.

Granny's just as hairy as they are.

You said they turned this way while I was at school.

Just by watching how you behave.

OK, I have a plan.

But you have to do exactly what I tell you.

And I warn you - could get messy.

Dinner is served.

Mmm, it's that classic combination of uncooked spaghetti,

raw onions and...

One of my shoes.

All the ingredients are fresh.

So...isn't this nice?

All of us humans and monsters having a civilised dinner together.

Do help yourselves, everyone.

Mum!

Maybe Angela would like some salad, Dad?

Yeah, yeah, sure thing.

-Dressing?

-And you say I'm not grown-up enough?!

Mr C! What are you playing at?

It's called having fun, remember?

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

I'm growing! I'm growing!

Well...all this has really made me think.

Do you know what we should do?

-Join in the food fight like the crazy monsters you are!

-No.

Make a start on the washing up.

Somebody has to clean up this mess.

Well, that didn't work. I guess it's back to being grown-ups for us.

Yeah, but can we wait until they've tidied up a little bit, eh?

I can't believe they got Eddie to mop the floor.

What's that?

Hmm.

Maybe we shouldn't quit the monster lifestyle just yet.

What are you suggesting?

A little role reversal?

Oh, well, can't say we didn't try.

I guess I have to get used to life being a lot more boring from now on.

Woo-hoo!

OK! Many, many questions.

I'm just going to pick one at random.

What are you wearing?

Do you like them, do you? It was my idea.

Why do boring laundry when you can have disposable clothes?

-The monsters can't see you, you can drop the act.

-What act, Eddaroonie?

-Waaaaah!

-Spinning chairs! Wooooo!

Feel sick in a good way.

Oh, no! Not you, too!

Where's a responsible grown-up when you need one?

-Here!

-Here we are!

BOTH: Whoa!

What are you doing?

Spying on you.

Wow, you really are like grown-ups.

That's right! Don't worry about your parents any more,

we can do anything they used to do for you!

Try us.

This is a disaster.

-I wouldn't be so sure about that, Ed. Fiend?

-Yeah.

Because you are the reigning grown-up in this family,

I would like to ask permission

to go to a scary movie tonight with my friends, please.

Hmmm...

No.

Well, are you just saying no because that's what Mum does?

Noooo.

So can I not go and just stay here all night?

Noooooooo.

-So you're not, not giving me permission to go tonight, then?

-No?

Great! I'll see you later, then.

Have fun!

You know, you do have your uses sometimes.

Ooh, ooh, oh, oh! Time to watch the news again.

MONSTERS: Yay! Hurrah!

No! This has gone far enough.

I might have complained about Mum and Dad from time to time,

but there's different stuff I need them for.

You're not real grown-ups!

Is this just a delaying tactic to avoid bedtime?

No!

And how do you even know about...?

Never mind.

What is it you need? Just say the word, son.

All right. I need a clean football kit for tomorrow.

Ah. Norman, you're on laundry duty, I believe.

NORMAN GIBBERS

What have you done to it?

Cleaned it, like the clever adult grown-ups that we are.

So what else?

Mum always makes me a packed lunch for school.

Haggis!

You were on catering duty, weren't you?

Yes. And you know how you're supposed to feed your children

five portions of fruit and veg per day?

Check this out.

Well, I call this my pinuckleycaranchinana.

You'll be the envy of all your friends.

Don't worry, Edward.

We're in charge now and there's nothing we can't handle.

LOUD RUMBLE

Haggis, do you need a snack?

No, that's not my tummy.

It must be an earthquake!

Don't worry. The plumbing's just gone out of control again.

Oh, no!

The plumbing has gone out of control again!

Nobody panic!

Mr Fiend has got it all in hand.

Haggis, Norman...

fix the plumbing, please.

Oh, this is serious.

Mum, Dad, the plumbing's gone crazy!

The house is about to explode!

-Explosions! Cool!

-Cool!

Oh, grow up!

It's obvious what's wrong.

The pipes must be hungry. So let's feed 'em!

That's it, Norman.

Yes, good.

Good work, Haggis!

That's good, Norman, yes.

Oh, they must be starving!

More food! More food!

Oh, no, no, no, no! Not my pinuckleycaranchinana!

No, Norman...!

This is your last chance, plumbing!

Behave or else it's straight to bed!

Eddie, Eddie, I don't want to be a grown-up any more.

Emergency! Emergency!

Dad, have you come to save us?

No, we've run out of crackers.

-Ah.

-Wait!

Dad! You have to snap out of it, this is all my fault.

Because... Because...

OK, here goes.

I wanted the monsters to come upstairs so I flooded the basement.

Now's everyone's changed and now the plumbing's trying to kill us!

Hmmm. Interesting.

HE WHISTLES

RUMBLING STOPS Wait...

How did you...?

You know, Eddie, if you're going to knock a hole in a pipe,

it's best not to leave the screwdriver you did it with

just lying around.

Wait a second...

So you were just pretending to...

Just to make me...

You...

DAD CHUCKLES You...

..monsters!

Easy, Ed!

We're the only monsters around here.

MONSTERS SHOUT AND LAUGH

I never thought I'd say this,

but it's really good to have them back to their old selves again.

Fore!

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Like Mum says, a place for everything and everything in its place.

Nice crawling, Eddie,

but you're still in line for some serious punishment.

CLANGING

I can't believe you made the pipes rattle like that from down here.

Isn't it time to get a professional in to fix the plumbing?

No need because I've decided to enrol you

in three months of DIY evening classes.

-That's an imaginative punishment, I like it.

-Good.

-Because you're going, too.

-What?

-That's ridiculous.

-CLANGING

Evening classes, check.

Angela, nice time at the movies?

Can't believe you let me watch that...that thing.

Yeah, the lesson here is

if you need a responsible grown-up, find someone who doesn't think this

is funny.

NORMAN FARTS A TUNE

MONSTERS LAUGH

Seriously, though... what's with the sleeping bag?

You're the only things I know that are more freaky looking than zombies

so congrats, you're my new bodyguards.

You know there is a spider down here the size of a poodle, don't you?

Grow up, Eddie!

'I guess some things are meant to change.

'But other things, like monsters, like family...'

Angela...meet Large Spider!

ANGELA SCREAMS

'..they're just fine the way they are.'

MONSTERS LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]