The Big Fib Me and My Monsters

# You're my mate when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down You take my frown and turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad and lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters care

# Me and my monsters care. #

OK, zip your lips and listen up.

I'm Kate Carlson and I'm here to kick some culinary butt.

No mercy!

Welcome to the first online edition of Furious Food.

We're putting the smackdown on a peppercorn steak.

Salt, pepper - no mucking around, just rub it on.

The meat's already dead, you can't hurt it.

OW!

And cut.

So, how do you like my new celebrity chef persona?

Will it be a real attention grabber when I post it on my website?

-Well?

-'They say honesty is the best policy

'but everyone knows there are times when it's better to bend the truth.

It's, er...certainly different.

-Yeah, but in a good way.

-Really? You liked it?

It was really, um...What's the word I'm looking for?

-Bad?

-'Everyone, that is, except monsters.'

Oh, dear. You guys have so much to learn.

But mummy human person thingy was bad. What should we have done?

Lied! Made something up. Not told the truth.

Why wouldn't we tell the truth? She reeked!

But you hurt her feelings.

You make up something harmless. It's called a white lie.

They come in different colours?

This is more complicated than that 'spray glue isn't deodorant' fiasco.

Humans lie all the time.

There are everyday fibs, which get you out of trouble.

I'll show you.

Oh, look - a half-eaten packet of cheese crackers.

Pity they were contaminated by nuclear waste

-and are completely inedible.

-MONSTERS: Oh...!

Ha-ha! I lied and you totally bought it.

They're fine!

Whoa! That's impressive!

I still would have eaten them.

Biddy-bo-bar. Yum.

Anyway, that's fibs and then at the top of the tree

you've got your great big whoppers

aka humungo lies.

-Ooh, sounds dangerous.

-Bo-bad-oh!

Like what?

Take the time I blamed my cousin Horace

for smashing up the greenhouse when it was me.

Pfffrrrt!

You big liar! Let me get this straight,

I'd be lying if I said something like...

"Oh, Haggis."

Aaargh! My horns are on fire! My horns are on fire!

-Aaargh! Oh-oh! Oh!

-Haggis, relax.

Fiend was just winding you up. He's lying!

Your horns aren't really on fire.

No...but your bum is!

Aaaaargh!

Aaah!

Oh-oh-oh!

It's like I never truly knew what fun was until now.

You're not on fire. Come on!

Wait, Eddie. Before the circus leaves town,

I'd like to ask you a question.

Where's my MP3 player?

It's in the sitting room!

Quickly, tell me where it is, that music-making thing I lent you.

Er, I gave it to Haggis.

I gave it to Norman.

Brrrr-buck-bah-wah.

-Eddie, I can't find it!

->

OK, follow my lead.

Did you hear wh...?

Oh. Oh, Eddie?

Ow!

Oh, it's on my knee.

Haggis, that's the last time I try to give you a piggyback.

Hmm?

Er...look, Eddie,

my MP3 isn't in the sitting room, so...

Oh, that's right! It's in the basement.

I'll get it when my knee's better.

-I'll get it myself.

-No, you can't! Ow!

Oh, I mean...you wouldn't want to.

I left it between Norman's nose-hair sculpture

and Haggis's snot mountain.

I'm going to the library at 5pm and either my MP3 comes with me,

or you'll be limping on the other leg too. Understood?

Sure, Ange. Come on, boys.

Help me to the chair before I pass out from the agony.

Eddie, is your knee better?

Is he EVER going to get this?

Once he forgot how to blink for three weeks!

That was an emergency lie to buy some time.

We need to split up and search this place from top to bottom.

We've only got two hours.

OK, monsters. You heard Eddie -

let's make this fast, efficient and above all, stealthy.

Crub-a-dub-bool.

What are you doing?

E-e-e-e-e-e-e-er....

Well?

A-hem! The reason that we're in here

is quite simple.

Eddie wanted us to get him...

-a book!

-Which book?

The Beginner's Guide To Ballet.

Yeah, what you said.

Guys, did you find that...?

Did they find the ballet book?

They did, but you don't need a book. And...bend, two, three.

Turn, two, three. Straight back, Haggis!

Did the monsters put something in your coffee again?

No, you don't need a book because you have me.

The monsters told me everything.

When I was your age, my friends used to call me the prince of the plie.

Kids can be cruel. I wouldn't worry about it.

Swan Lake, Sleeping Beauty, Romeo And Juliet.

I was third reserve understudy for them all.

Straight back, Haggis!

Psst! Eddie!

We only told one little fib and now he's gone all happy-faced freaky!

You've got to help us!

No talking during practice!

Eddie, if you had a secret passion for ballet,

all you had to do was tell me.

There's nothing better for building strength and balance.

Secret passion for ballet?

Oh, yeah!

Ballet, that's right!

I'm mad for it!

There's, er, something in my eye.

Well, go ahead, son. Release the beauty within! Express yourself!

CLASSICAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Well, practice makes perfect, I guess.

I hope. I know!

I'll get out the photographs of me

as peasant number three from The Nutcracker to inspire you.

What a production!

Keep at it, Eddie!

Fiend, leave the lying to me, OK?

If you want to help, get looking for Angela's MP3 player now!

Oh, Eddie?

I do hope your knee injury doesn't interfere with your ballet.

I'll check the basement again.

Kate, have you seen the album with the...?

Welcome to Passion Fruits. I'm Kate Carlson.

Sit down. Relax. Make yourself comfortable.

Today we're cooking up an amorous assortment

of oysters and truffles dipped in...

em...

ketchup.

Mum, Dad, have you seen...?

Oh! Thank goodness I caught you before you actually started kissing.

Is it safe to look yet?

Sure. I'm just trying out my new cooking persona. Does it suit me?

You want the truth?

-Not really.

-Then, yes, it really suits you.

Eddie's in the sitting room.

Oh, gross!

-FIEND:

-Hey, Angela!

-What a pleasant surprise!

-Where's my MP3 player, you overgrown amphibian?

Eddie told us to look for it in here cos he's completely lost...

..His mind!

OK, I'll go down to the basement and get it myself.

-Wait!

-Why?

Em...let me see now.

OK, you can't go down there...

because...Norman...

is...hibernating. Mm, not bad.

-Oh, he's hibernating.

-Mm.

Yeah, in summer.

Yes, well, it's not so much of a hibernation,

more of a fur-shedding monster thing.

It's not a pretty sight.

Makes him very...bitey.

Whatever.

OK, so I know you liked it,

but I just don't think the kitchen-seductress thing is me.

For the record, I disagree.

But what about food-fusion scientist?

Bacon-flavoured ice cream,

chocolate-coated squid rings...

-Er...

-Great!

I knew you'd like it! I'll go dig out my old lab coat.

Kate Carlson, professor of mad flavours!

I'm lucky I don't have embarrassing parents like some people(!)

Aargh! How do you do that?!

-It's the ballet.

-Doodle-oodle-oom.

Keeps us light on our feet.

I searched all the boxes on this side of the room,

-so you search over there...

-Eddie...

-Look under stuff as well as on top of it...

-Eddie...

We've only got an hour left...

Thank, Norm.

Angela's coming!

-DOOR OPENS

-That'll be her now! Hide!

Hello?

Norman?

I'm... I'm just looking for my MP3 player

and I will be out of your way as soon as possible.

-I know you're hibernating.

-(Hibernating?!)

(Pretty good, huh?)

PFFFRRRRT!

Norman?! Well, it's better out than in, I suppose.

THUNDEROUS PFFFFRRRRT!

Oh, forget it!

That was too close!

Yeah, she nearly caught us!

No, I mean THAT was too close.

What are we going to do about Angela's MP3 player?

That's the problem with lying -

once you start, it's harder than you think to stop.

Like licking your armpits.

I said, "Don't worry, Eddie! We will not rest until we've found it!"

Burble-broo.

Mmmm. Num-num.

-THEY GASP

-Booga-booda!

Care to tell me what you're doing in here, chaps?

Er, nothing. Looking for something.

-What?

-Er...

Monster fleas!

Where did that come from?

-Fleas?!

-Yeah, Haggis has monster fleas.

-I don't have fleas!

-There's one!

Ow!

They're biters, too.

Oh, great(!) Do me a favour, don't tell Nick -

he'll want to fumigate the whole house.

So...who else might have come in contact with these monster fleas?

Em...

EDDIE: Oh, wait. Don't tell me.

I'm thinking monster fleas?

That's right. Apparently they're so big you can hear them breathing.

-Fiend's been telling me all about it.

-Yeah!

He's helpful like that(!)

Oh, no! I'd better was the bed sheets as well!

So, Eddie, am I a master liar or what?!

This is getting way out of hand!

-Just tell me you found it.

-No,

but we have a brilliant plan to help Norm remember where he left it.

Bim-bo-ah!

You are feeling very sleepy.

Oh-munna-bowie-oh-wee!

Come on, we're running out of time!

-Never rush a hypnotism.

-I'll give you a cheese cracker.

And...he's under.

Ha-ha-ha!

Norman, we need you to remember where you were last using the MP3 player.

Ah-boo-bah-boo-heeda. Pffrrt! Uh-bee-boo.

He put it in your jeans.

Good! Good! Which jeans?

Ba-biddy-ba-boo-bah-ba-bee-bay. Maaaah!

The jeans Mum is about to put in the washing machine.

Yes!

Haboo-ba-bee-boo.

Hello.

Oh, maybe I should throw the cushion covers in while I'm at it.

Eddie? It's 4.55.

No sweat!

What?!

Gobbedy-goo. Gobbedy-gah.

Not practising?

Oh! Ballet, two, three, four.

That's better, that's better.

Hey, check this out!

I found them - my old ballet pumps.

HE SNIFFS

Mmmm! Pretty cool, huh?

-Er, that's...nice, Dad. Thanks.

-Hey and guess what else?

I just booked you into your first proper...

-ballet lesson!

-You've what?!

In half an hour. I practically had to bribe the teacher to get you in,

but when she heard it was your passion... Well... Come on!

You can change in the car!

Er, the thing is, Dad...

-ANGELA:

-Time's up, Eddie!

->

..you've made my dreams come true. See you in the car.

OK, guys, it's up to you now.

You HAVE to get that MP3 player before I get back

or I'm dead meat.

You can count on us, Eddie. We're all over it!

Snack first?

Nom-nom.

-Anything?

-Nothing and we've looked everywhere!

-Burdle-bah-by-beebo?

-Tidy up?

Yeah, I suppose.

Dessert first?

MUM: What is going on here?

-Did you do this?

-Er...

I cannot tell a lie, it was...

..n't us!

It was...

er...cousin!

Yes, that's right. Cousin...Herman.

-Ba-doo-ba-duh.

-Who is Cousin Herman?

He's our cousin. Clue's in the name!

And we thought you were the smart one?!

Yes, but... I mean, come on. How did he get here?

Are you kidding?! Cousin Herman can go anywhere he wants to!

Well, how come you've never mentioned him before?

Erm...

-Em...

-Erm...

That's right, Norm!

We were scared you might like him more than you like us.

So where is this Cousin Herman then?

-Er...

-Haggis?

-Huh?

Herman? Herman...is...is...

is in the...

-In the basement?

-Hmm.

-Yeah!

Well, that explains the funny noises down there.

I knew Norman wasn't hibernating.

And the giant fleas came from Herman too, I suppose?

That works. I mean, yeah, exactly!

I know! I know we should have told you about him earlier,

but it's just that,

while Cousin Herman is the brilliantest monster ever,

he's very shy, you see.

He gets a little jittery around humans and he's been known to...

Well, you know.

Uh... Ha-ha, er...

Booble-doo grob-golly blurg.

NORMAN GROWLS AND ROARS

Hazzy-collaty!

NORMAN ROARS FEROCIOUSLY

Blabbity-blah-buloo!

TOGETHER: Eat them?!

Truthfully?

Yes.

At least we know what to expect now.

Thank you for telling us the truth, Fiend.

Any time, Kate.

Any time.

Why didn't you warn me, Dad?

Ballet's brutal!

Like my dance teacher always said,

"If you can't stand the chafing, stay out of the dance studio."

I'll run you a bath.

Oh, hey, Eddie!

Wow, your fake limping is getting really realistic!

Please just tell me you found the MP3.

Even better!

Fiend!

What have you done?!

Ha-ha-haaa!

Yes, we know you've been lying, Eddie.

All right, all right, I admit it.

I completely lost...

A fight with Cousin Herman and he ate my MP3 player.

Huh?

Don't worry, Eddie.

The monsters have been telling us all about their troublesome guest.

It completely explains all the weird stuff that's happened today.

Well, I guess it does.

(Cousin Herman. Nice one, fiend.)

Oh! Oh! I know! Why don't we invite Cousin Herman up for tea?

What?! No!

Why not? He loves meeting new people.

No, he doesn't.

Yes, he... Whose cousin is he anyway?!

Well, I suppose we should see who we're dealing with.

OK, Fiend,

Cousin Herman is coming to tea.

You know, Fiend, that was going really, really well

right up to the part

-where you invited your make-believe cousin to tea!

-Yeah,

I thought that was a boo-boo too for a second,

but check this out!

Oh, Cousin Herman!

NORMAN SINGS A FANFARE

Grrrr!

Raaargh!

Grrrr!

Oh, wait!

-You're right, that's totally convincing(!)

-Really?

No, I'm lying!

That's the final one. No more! I'm finished with the fibs.

Is that another lie?

No! Sorry, guys, but this fib is all yours.

Good luck.

So, to recap, rule number one...?

No direct eye contact with Cousin Herman.

Rule number two?

Keep your bubble wrap X-ray vision blocker

and your anti-mind-control hat on at all times.

Rule number three!

# We must sing our questions in a show-tunes style. #

Why is that again?

What can I say? The guy loves musicals!

OK, ready?

Norman, lights.

Bobble-bob-dob.

Cousin Herman!

Herman? Come in, Herman.

Grrrrraaaaaarrrrrgh!

Grrrrooooaaaarrrr!

Rrrrrraaaaaarrrrgh!

SMASH!

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, good old clumsy Cousin Herman.

Did I mention he was clumsy as well as shy?

# Hello, Herman Welcome to our home. #

Grrrrraaaaaoooorrrrgh!

Herman says, "Thanks, I really like it

"and sorry for the damp rug in the study.

"It was a long journey and I was busting to make the pee-pee."

-He what?!

-Eyes on the floor!

# I'm sorry, very sorry Please don't eat me. #

And one final question.

# Do you need any powder for your monster fleas? #

Fleas?! Have I got fleas?!

I... I think I have!

-No! No, wait, Haggis! I mean Herman!

-I'm confused! Who am I again?

I don't know what's true any more!

SMASH!

CRASH!

SMASHING AND SCREAMING

-Aaargh!

-THUMP!

ALL: Haggis?!

Oh, Haggis?! Whoa, that's very surprising!

But you made me wear the costume, Fiend.

Stop the lies, Haggis. You're only making it worse for yourself.

What's going on, Eddie?

It's all been one big fib.

My knee, the ballet, the fleas...

I just didn't want Angela to find out I lost her MP3 player, all right?!

I'm in trouble, I'm grounded, I'm exhausted. Fine!

You're telling us you made all this up

just because you lost Angela's MP3 player?

Pull the other one!

Normally I'd believe you, Eddie, but I saw your face at ballet today.

No-one can fake that kind of raw passion.

That was a sprained ankle.

Nice try, Eddie, but you're not that good at lying.

But I'm telling the truth! Ask Haggis.

He doesn't even know what lying is. Tell them, Haggis.

Cousin Herman...

is real!

He ate Angela's MP3 player,

hurt Eddie's knee, messed up the house,

spread fleas everywhere then left without even saying goodbye.

We didn't want you to miss meeting him,

so I dressed up as Herman instead.

I'm sorry we LIED.

He did it. He actually did a big humungo one!

I'm so proud!

Eddie, why didn't you just

tell us the truth in the first place, like Haggis?

Honesty really is the best policy. Eddie, if you really...

All right! OK, I admit it.

I really do love ballet.

Hi there and welcome to Kate In The Kitchen,

the online cookery course that tells you the truth about cooking at home.

Let's eat!

And cut. That was great!

Yeah, Mum. You're really good when you're natural.

Thank you, sweetie. What do you think, guys?

Honestly? It was...

Brilliant!

Here he is - the pirouette protege. How did it go, champ?

Did you know you can strain toe muscles?

Oh, yeah.

-Er...

-Norman, you had it all the time?!

You big liar!

Er, is that my MP3 player?

I thought Cousin Herman ate it.

Eddie?

Here's what happened.

Yes, erm, Cousin Herman accidentally dropped the MP3 player...

EDDIE: 'Yeah, honesty might be the best policy,

'but sometimes it's just not as much fun

'as a really juicy monster-sized fib...'

..and that's why Auntie Hermania redelivered

the MP3 player down the chimney

and now you've got it back, you see?

See, I told you, a perfectly simple explanation.

-FIEND PANTS

-Urgh!

THUMP!

'..even if you don't always get away with it.'

# Don't be sad and lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters care. #

E-mail [email protected]