Haggis Strikes Back Me and My Monsters


Haggis Strikes Back

Children's comedy about a family with monsters in their basement. When Eddie teaches Haggis to be more assertive, things soon get out of hand.


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Transcript


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# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

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# You put me right when I am going wrong

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# You're my hands when my arms are tired

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# You colour me in when I'm black and white

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# You pick me up when I fall down

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# You take my frown and you turn it around

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# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

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# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

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# Me and my monsters can

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# Me and my monsters can. #

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For us humans, night time is for sleeping,

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but your average monster would far rather be off

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on some sort of Mission Impossible.

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Most of these turn out to actually be impossible.

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The others are just really bad ideas.

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But it's pointless telling that to a monster because they never change

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and they never learn.

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As Fiend always says,

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he doesn't believe in bad ideas.

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He only believes in Fiend.

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Oh! Hmph! Ha!

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THEY SQUABBLE

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OK! Sshh! Sshh!

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Remember the plan! Go straight in,

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rescue the tiny citizens of Snowglobia and come straight out!

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I want this to go as smooth as sandpaper.

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Is sandpaper smooth?

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It is on the back. Now, let's move.

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HE GULPS

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What's the problem?

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Do you think this is a good idea? I don't want to get into trouble!

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Of course it's a good idea!

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It was one of mine! Besides, we can't leave

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the tiny people of Snowglobia in the evil clutches of Angela.

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She's a tyrant! I've seen her shaking them vigorously many times.

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-Oooh!

-Exactly. So, come on! Let's do this.

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I can't see anything. Haggis, I think I have my hand on your butt.

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-I don't think so.

-I must have, it's all dry and pimply and cold...

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THEY SQUEAL

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Whoops!

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Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

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That's weird. I remember the hallway being larger.

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-Haggis!

-Huh! Oooh!

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Stay out of my room! How many times do I have to tell you?

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As many as you like.

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Just stay out of my room!

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"Just stay out of my room!"

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-Would it help if I said...

-No!

-Sorry.

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Morning. Sleep well?

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-Shut up.

-Angela!

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Well! I was woken up at 2am by Fiend with his finger up my nose!

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-Heh-heh.

-Fiend? Sounded like you shouted at Haggis.

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He's easier to catch.

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What?! That's not fair. You can't blame Haggis for what Fiend's done.

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-Well, then he shouldn't take it.

-He just doesn't like to argue.

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Is he a man or a mouse?

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-Duh! He's a monster.

-Then he should act like one.

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-You know what Haggis's problem is?

-The smell.

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Sure, but he lacks what we in the business world call assertiveness.

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-What's that?

-It's the art of standing up for yourself -

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without arguing.

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Getting your point across without raising your voice.

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Assertiveness teaches us we don't have to do anything

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-just cos someone tells us.

-You're taking Eddie to school.

-Righto.

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I'll tell you more in the car. I think I've got a book on it...

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Right, listen up. This is a book about assertiveness.

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It will teach you how to stand up for yourself.

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-Wouldn't you like that, Haggis?

-I don't know. Aren't I OK as I am?

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Not really. I can prove it to you.

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Fiend, would you please fart for me?

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That is so weird, I was just about to!

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-FARTS LOUDLY

-Yeah.

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-Haggis!

-Sorry.

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Hmmm...

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-FARTS AGAIN LOUDLY

-Haggis!

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Sorry, again.

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LOUD BURP

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Pardon me!

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-THEY GIGGLE

-Haggis, stop apologising.

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-Sorry.

-Don't you see?!

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You are letting us bully you. Just like Angela did.

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-Oh!

-You have to learn to stand up for yourself.

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This book can teach you how.

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-< Eddie!

-OK.

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Try a few exercises.

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What?! We have to exercise? Haggis!

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-Sorry.

-I meant follow the instructions in the book!

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Right, OK, Eddie. I'll take charge.

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I'll study it from cover to cover.

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Norman, read the book.

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OK, Haggis, it's just like "let's pretend".

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I pretend to be a shopkeeper and you pretend to be a customer.

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-But why?

-So you can learn how to be "askertive".

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NORMAN SQUEAKS

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Whatever. Right then, let's do this! Ahem...

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-Excuse me. I bought this from you...

-I don't care.

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I don't blame you, yeah... Sorry, to have wasted your time.

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-SQUEAKING

-OK, OK, let's try that again.

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-Excuse me, I bought this...

-I'm on my lunch break.

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Take your time... I'll come back tomorrow.

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NORMAN GROANS

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Excuse me... Excuse me...

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-Excuse me...

-FIEND SIGHS

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Excuse me, I brought this...

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Listen, pal, when will you get it into that big furry head of yours,

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I DON'T CARE?!

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-Well, I think you should care.

-What?!

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The way I see it is,

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if my bread burner stopped turning the bread round,

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then it's got a problem.

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And as I bought it from YOUR shop,

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it must be YOUR problem.

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So...

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-HE GULPS

-I think you SHOULD care.

-Norm!

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I think we've got our breakthrough!

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WHOOPING

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Way to go, Haggis!

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You're not a mouse any more.

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You're a monster!

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THEY LAUGH

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Ah! Thank you. How'd they get on?

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Apparently he's sort of got it, but you know Haggis,

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I doubt we'll see a difference.

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Morning, human thingys!

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Haggis, that was mine.

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You can use these things over and over - unless they're broken.

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Then you take them back to the shop! I know that now.

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Ha, ha, hey, what you doing?

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-Cracking eggs for an omelette.

-Let ME help.

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THUD!

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Ha-ha, don't mention it!

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Oh, yeah.

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Get out of the way, you giant furball.

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Ah! I don't think you should call me a giant furball.

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I know I am giant, and furry, and shaped like a ball but...

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I can't help that, can I? That's like me calling you, erm...

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pale, messy-haired, spot girl.

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-I'd never do that, would I?

-HE GIGGLES

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Eddie, I've got something for you.

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HAGGIS RETCHES

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What's that?

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It's your school book. I ate your homework!

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It's the perfect excuse!

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-Eh? Eh?

-But I'd already done my homework!

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Yes, sure you did! Hah!

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-He seems...

-Yeah.

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, the little box is singing.

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Um, should I a...?

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Oh... Come on, Haggis!

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Be a monster!

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Not a mouse.

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HE BREATHES DEEPLY

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-Hello?

-Nick?

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-Nick's gone out. He's off being busy.

-That's what I like to hear.

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-Are you trapped in the little box?

-'It feels like that some days.'

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Not even time for lunch. How about you? Managed to get out?

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I never manage to get out.

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I know what you mean. THEY LAUGH

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Can you pass on a message to Nick?

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'If you don't mind me getting bits wrong.'

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Tell him I spoke to Charlie at the chocolate company about the ad,

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and he's not keen on the name Nick came up with for the product.

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Tell him they don't like Massive Softie.

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No-one likes a massive softie. They like a real monster!

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Real monster...

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Real Monster Bar. It's perfect!

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Eddie, you'll be late for school!

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NORMAN BARKS

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NORMAN SQUEAKS

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Mum, something's wrong with Fiend.

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-More wrong than normal?

-Yeah. Something's up.

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He keeps talking in questions and seems confused.

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He's just not right. Could you keep an eye on him? Please?

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Fine, I'll keep an eye on him.

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You're the best mum I've ever had.

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I know about sleepless nights.

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I've got a couple of little monsters myself. Ha!

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Oh, hi, Nick!

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Nick's back. Do you still want a word with him?

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-Who are you talking to?

-It's Geoff, he thinks he's your boss.

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Hi! Geoff! Hi. I can explain...

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Me?! I'm fine. Or am I? Don't ask me.

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Ask someone else... Or don't, I don't mind.

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Or do I? Eh...

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I see what you mean.

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He doesn't seem to be himself.

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What normally cheers him up?

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HE SQUEAKS Let's try that then.

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Aaaargh! That!

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Eurgh...

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Great, bogey-ball!

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Do I pass the ball or keep it?

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Yeah, no, of course, Geoff. Yeah. OK. I understand, OK, bye.

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That's unbelievable.

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It seems that Geoff thinks that this Haggis kid's a real go-getter!

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Oh! His name's like my name.

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He means you, you big tangle!

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He loves your idea for this chocolate bar.

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He wants to work out an ad campaign with you.

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Yay, go me!

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It'll never happen. You may have Geoff wrapped round your

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massive little finger, but there's no way

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the Managing Director will fall for your ideas.

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MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Yeah. Oh, hi, Geoff.

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OK. Yeah. Good. Bye.

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He loved it.

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Too soon?

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Then there's the pass itself. Should I play a short ball,

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or a long ball?

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Or a curve ball? Or should I eat the ball?

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Or take it to a ball?

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Can you take a ball to a ball?

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-No better, then?

-It's like he's lost

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the ability to make even the most basic decisions.

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-What, like when you send Dad food shopping?

-Worse!

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How could he be worse?

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Hey. Should I be breathing in, or breathing out?

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For the hundredth time, it's both, one after the other.

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-But...

-And it doesn't matter which one first!

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Oh, gotcha. Thanks.

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HE BREATHES IN AND OUT LOUDLY

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OK, he's worse.

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I'm helping.

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You know what, Haggis, why don't you knock off early this afternoon?

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You have helped enough.

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No, no, I'll stay.

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Right.

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It's just that... I appreciate the help you've given me on the campaign,

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but I have to go through some advert ideas with Geoff in half an hour,

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and, um... it's a video call.

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Which means you can't be here. Yeah?

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What with you being a seven foot monster.

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So...

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Hmm...

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No, oh, no. I don't think so.

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-Excuse me?

-Don't get me wrong, you're a hard worker,

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but I don't think you've got what it takes

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to sell our ideas to Mr Geoff.

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I don't think you are "askertive" enough.

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So, maybe you would like to go home early,

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and leave the talking to me.

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There's a good human thingy!

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Look, mister, I don't know who you think you are...

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I am Haggis! And I am a monster, not a mouse!

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If you don't like that, maybe you should find somewhere else to work.

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Because Mr Geoff, he likes me just the way I am!

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Eddie! Eddie! Come and get this ugly rug out of my study!

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-COMPUTER BEEPS

-You're early.

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No, I'm not.

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AAARGH!

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-Eddie!

-What?

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It's Haggis. I don't know what sort of training you've been giving him,

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but he thinks he's got the best ideas. He won't listen to me

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and now he wants to make all the big decisions. Honestly,

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he is as bad as him!

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Tom-AY-to...tom-AH-to.

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Tom-AY-to!

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Tom-AH-to!

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NORMAN SQUEAKS

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It is? Oh, like this wasn't confusing enough!

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That's it! The problem's not Fiend, it's Haggis.

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Think about it. If Haggis starts making all the decisions

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and thinking of all the ideas, then what happens to Fiend?

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Hello? Is anybody there?

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THAT'S what happens to Fiend.

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OK. But my problem is Haggis. Can you please get him out of my study

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right now? I've got an important video call at 5pm.

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Um, it is five.

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What? Oh, no, no, no!

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Have you got a plan to put all this right?

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Depends.

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Have you got any really old shoes?

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh, definitely, monsters love chocolate.

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HAGGIS!

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-What have you done?

-I answered the call, then he screamed,

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-and then I told him I was a monster, and then...

-Oh, no! That's him!

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-I'll get it.

-No, no, no! Just...

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stay there.

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Hi, Geoff.

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Yeah. Just...webcam's getting a bit of interference.

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Nick...

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I loved it! Best special effect I've ever seen.

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And Haggis's voice was perfect - bold and confident. A real monster!

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-Great job, Nick!

-I'll... I... Thank you.

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In fact, I've got Charlie from the chocolate company coming here soon.

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We'll do another video chat then,

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and you can show him what you've just shown me, and if he loves it

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half as much as I do, someone's in line for a big promotion.

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Er... OK! Great.

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Get to it, then! See you in five.

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Haggis...

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you're the best!

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I know!

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Not what I expected!

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The monsters stays. Because you are my furry ticket to the top!

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If you say so. But do you need him this second?

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I was going to make some milkshakes.

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-Milkshakes?

-Yeah, go get a milkshake.

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Milkshake, burger, keys to the car, whatever he wants.

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Just make sure he's back here in five.

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That furball is going to make my career.

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HE SQUEEZES THROUGH THE DOOR

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So, what flavour would you like?

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Chocolate, every time!

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And I'll make one for Fiend. What flavour would he like?

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Old shoe, it's his favourite.

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But you know that!

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Well, I thought I did.

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Strawberry!

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No. Butterscotch!

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No, no, no, no. Chocolate!

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-Oh, no.

-Eddie, you used all the milk again.

-Sshh!

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Ohh... or old shoes!

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Fiend, what are you doing?

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There is old shoe flavour, right in front of you!

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You love old shoe flavour!

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Then there's always tomato... I mean, banana. Um...

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Can I phone a friend?

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Or actually, could you phone a friend for me?

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I couldn't decide who to call.

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Um, what's up with him?

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Yeah, he's acting really weird.

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And not in the good way!

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We should do something.

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What shall we do?

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Well, you're the big ideas monster. So why don't you tell us?

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-Right, well, we should, um...

-We should what?

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-We... we should...

-What?

-Come on!

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-If we...

-Tell us!

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I DON'T KNOW, OK?!

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-You don't know?

-Doesn't sound very assertive to me.

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I don't want to be "askertive" any more.

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And I don't have any ideas!

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At least, not good ones.

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But not on purpose. I just can't be the Haggis you want me to be.

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-Oh, Haggis. Eddie, get over here.

-Haggis, I don't want to change you,

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I just didn't want you to get pushed around.

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Then maybe you should talk to the people doing the pushing!

0:19:480:19:52

Look, I'm sorry, Haggis.

0:19:550:19:57

It's not fair for me to always blame you.

0:19:570:20:00

You're my favourite monster.

0:20:000:20:03

That is such a weird sentence!

0:20:030:20:06

So, can I go back to being me?

0:20:060:20:10

-Yes.

-Of course you can.

0:20:100:20:11

And can Fiend go back to being Fiend?

0:20:110:20:14

Well, that's what we want, but if you're all out of ideas,

0:20:140:20:19

then how do we fix him?

0:20:190:20:21

You know, whenever I need an idea,

0:20:210:20:24

do you know who I ask?

0:20:240:20:26

Fiend, what can I do to make you better?

0:20:290:20:34

You mean... you don't know?

0:20:340:20:38

I've no idea. You were always best at decisions.

0:20:380:20:43

Well, I suppose that's true.

0:20:430:20:46

Let me think for a minute.

0:20:460:20:48

Pass me that milkshake, the one with the shoe in it.

0:20:480:20:51

-My favourite.

-Ooh!

0:20:510:20:53

It's my favourite!

0:20:530:20:55

I'm cured!

0:21:010:21:03

The Fiendmaster General is back!

0:21:030:21:05

And he's never felt better. Ha-ha!

0:21:050:21:08

Norman, catch! Hah!

0:21:080:21:12

Do try to be ready next time.

0:21:150:21:18

Right, break time's over, big guy.

0:21:180:21:20

We have got a date with Mr Chocolate!

0:21:200:21:23

Well, I hope it's not a hot date - he'll melt!

0:21:230:21:26

THEY LAUGH

0:21:260:21:27

Come on, Haggis, let's go.

0:21:270:21:29

I think we might have to have a little talk.

0:21:290:21:31

We can talk after, yeah? You're on in 30 seconds.

0:21:310:21:34

Take a seat, Charlie. I hope your laces are tied up tight,

0:21:370:21:40

because this will blow your socks off! Ready when you are, Nick.

0:21:400:21:44

And now, thanks to the very latest in special effects technology,

0:21:440:21:48

I present to you, very proudly, the face of the Real Monster Bar!

0:21:480:21:54

I'm shy, can I go?

0:21:570:21:59

(What are you doing? Be asskertive! I mean, assertive!)

0:22:010:22:05

I don't like the way that man's looking at me.

0:22:050:22:08

It's making me go all red. I mean, you can't see it for all the fur,

0:22:080:22:11

but... oh, no!

0:22:110:22:13

You call that a monster?!

0:22:130:22:15

Oh, I should go.

0:22:180:22:20

Hey, what are you doing? Hey!

0:22:200:22:23

What's going on? What happened to the character you showed me earlier?

0:22:230:22:27

He's turned into some sort of bashful Barbara!

0:22:270:22:30

-Boring is what I'd call it.

-You've ruined it, Nick!

0:22:300:22:33

We wanted a confident, fast-talking monster, who takes no prisoners

0:22:330:22:37

-and says what he thinks.

-Wait one second!

0:22:370:22:40

Da-da-da-daaa! Hi there, chocolate lovers!

0:22:420:22:47

I hear you're looking for a monster with a little more bite. Ha-haah!

0:22:470:22:52

Ha-ha-ha!

0:22:560:22:58

MUSIC PLAYING ON TV Sssh, you're missing it!

0:23:020:23:06

So, come and get a Real Monster Bar today.

0:23:060:23:09

It's chocolate with more bite!

0:23:090:23:12

Hah! Like anyone would listen to that joker!

0:23:140:23:18

Talk about big-headed!

0:23:180:23:21

'So, it seemed like the monsters were back to their normal selves.

0:23:210:23:24

'Well, as normal as they ever were.

0:23:240:23:28

'But then, I always knew they'd never change.'

0:23:280:23:30

Oh-ho!

0:23:330:23:35

KNOCKING AT DOOR

0:23:450:23:48

Um, hi. I was wondering,

0:23:500:23:54

would it be possible to borrow the Kingdom of Snowglobia

0:23:540:23:57

for the purpose of liberating its peoples and whatnot?

0:23:570:24:00

Er... what...

0:24:020:24:03

There, knock yourself out.

0:24:070:24:09

Ha-ha! Well, what do you know?

0:24:120:24:15

'Once in a while, they do seem to learn a thing or two.'

0:24:150:24:18

Told you!

0:24:180:24:20

'Fiend, for example, has learned

0:24:200:24:23

'to listen to Haggis just a little more often.

0:24:230:24:26

-'But sadly...'

-Norman! Catch!

0:24:260:24:28

'..Norman still hasn't learned how to catch.'

0:24:290:24:32

Well, they're free now!

0:24:320:24:35

THEY ALL LAUGH

0:24:350:24:38

# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

0:24:460:24:52

# Me and my monsters can. #

0:24:520:24:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:24:540:24:57

When Eddie teaches Haggis to be more assertive, things soon get out of hand as the furry giant starts to throw his weight around. Meanwhile Fiend is reduced to a gibbering wreck, now that Haggis has taken his role as the bossy monster.


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