Haggis Strikes Back Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tired

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

For us humans, night time is for sleeping,

but your average monster would far rather be off

on some sort of Mission Impossible.

Most of these turn out to actually be impossible.

The others are just really bad ideas.

But it's pointless telling that to a monster because they never change

and they never learn.

As Fiend always says,

he doesn't believe in bad ideas.

He only believes in Fiend.

Oh! Hmph! Ha!

THEY SQUABBLE

OK! Sshh! Sshh!

Remember the plan! Go straight in,

rescue the tiny citizens of Snowglobia and come straight out!

I want this to go as smooth as sandpaper.

Is sandpaper smooth?

It is on the back. Now, let's move.

HE GULPS

What's the problem?

Do you think this is a good idea? I don't want to get into trouble!

Of course it's a good idea!

It was one of mine! Besides, we can't leave

the tiny people of Snowglobia in the evil clutches of Angela.

She's a tyrant! I've seen her shaking them vigorously many times.

-Oooh!

-Exactly. So, come on! Let's do this.

I can't see anything. Haggis, I think I have my hand on your butt.

-I don't think so.

-I must have, it's all dry and pimply and cold...

THEY SQUEAL

Whoops!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

That's weird. I remember the hallway being larger.

-Haggis!

-Huh! Oooh!

Stay out of my room! How many times do I have to tell you?

As many as you like.

Just stay out of my room!

"Just stay out of my room!"

-Would it help if I said...

-No!

-Sorry.

Morning. Sleep well?

-Shut up.

-Angela!

Well! I was woken up at 2am by Fiend with his finger up my nose!

-Heh-heh.

-Fiend? Sounded like you shouted at Haggis.

He's easier to catch.

What?! That's not fair. You can't blame Haggis for what Fiend's done.

-Well, then he shouldn't take it.

-He just doesn't like to argue.

Is he a man or a mouse?

-Duh! He's a monster.

-Then he should act like one.

-You know what Haggis's problem is?

-The smell.

Sure, but he lacks what we in the business world call assertiveness.

-What's that?

-It's the art of standing up for yourself -

without arguing.

Getting your point across without raising your voice.

Assertiveness teaches us we don't have to do anything

-just cos someone tells us.

-You're taking Eddie to school.

-Righto.

I'll tell you more in the car. I think I've got a book on it...

Right, listen up. This is a book about assertiveness.

It will teach you how to stand up for yourself.

-Wouldn't you like that, Haggis?

-I don't know. Aren't I OK as I am?

Not really. I can prove it to you.

Fiend, would you please fart for me?

That is so weird, I was just about to!

-FARTS LOUDLY

-Yeah.

-Haggis!

-Sorry.

Hmmm...

-FARTS AGAIN LOUDLY

-Haggis!

Sorry, again.

LOUD BURP

Pardon me!

-THEY GIGGLE

-Haggis, stop apologising.

-Sorry.

-Don't you see?!

You are letting us bully you. Just like Angela did.

-Oh!

-You have to learn to stand up for yourself.

This book can teach you how.

-< Eddie!

-OK.

Try a few exercises.

What?! We have to exercise? Haggis!

-Sorry.

-I meant follow the instructions in the book!

Right, OK, Eddie. I'll take charge.

I'll study it from cover to cover.

Norman, read the book.

OK, Haggis, it's just like "let's pretend".

I pretend to be a shopkeeper and you pretend to be a customer.

-But why?

-So you can learn how to be "askertive".

NORMAN SQUEAKS

Whatever. Right then, let's do this! Ahem...

-Excuse me. I bought this from you...

-I don't care.

I don't blame you, yeah... Sorry, to have wasted your time.

-SQUEAKING

-OK, OK, let's try that again.

-Excuse me, I bought this...

-I'm on my lunch break.

Take your time... I'll come back tomorrow.

NORMAN GROANS

Excuse me... Excuse me...

-Excuse me...

-FIEND SIGHS

Excuse me, I brought this...

Listen, pal, when will you get it into that big furry head of yours,

I DON'T CARE?!

-Well, I think you should care.

-What?!

The way I see it is,

if my bread burner stopped turning the bread round,

then it's got a problem.

And as I bought it from YOUR shop,

it must be YOUR problem.

So...

-HE GULPS

-I think you SHOULD care.

-Norm!

I think we've got our breakthrough!

WHOOPING

Way to go, Haggis!

You're not a mouse any more.

You're a monster!

THEY LAUGH

Ah! Thank you. How'd they get on?

Apparently he's sort of got it, but you know Haggis,

I doubt we'll see a difference.

Morning, human thingys!

Haggis, that was mine.

You can use these things over and over - unless they're broken.

Then you take them back to the shop! I know that now.

Ha, ha, hey, what you doing?

-Cracking eggs for an omelette.

-Let ME help.

THUD!

Ha-ha, don't mention it!

Oh, yeah.

Get out of the way, you giant furball.

Ah! I don't think you should call me a giant furball.

I know I am giant, and furry, and shaped like a ball but...

I can't help that, can I? That's like me calling you, erm...

pale, messy-haired, spot girl.

-I'd never do that, would I?

-HE GIGGLES

Eddie, I've got something for you.

HAGGIS RETCHES

What's that?

It's your school book. I ate your homework!

It's the perfect excuse!

-Eh? Eh?

-But I'd already done my homework!

Yes, sure you did! Hah!

-He seems...

-Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, the little box is singing.

Um, should I a...?

Oh... Come on, Haggis!

Be a monster!

Not a mouse.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

-Hello?

-Nick?

-Nick's gone out. He's off being busy.

-That's what I like to hear.

-Are you trapped in the little box?

-'It feels like that some days.'

Not even time for lunch. How about you? Managed to get out?

I never manage to get out.

I know what you mean. THEY LAUGH

Can you pass on a message to Nick?

'If you don't mind me getting bits wrong.'

Tell him I spoke to Charlie at the chocolate company about the ad,

and he's not keen on the name Nick came up with for the product.

Tell him they don't like Massive Softie.

No-one likes a massive softie. They like a real monster!

Real monster...

Real Monster Bar. It's perfect!

Eddie, you'll be late for school!

NORMAN BARKS

NORMAN SQUEAKS

Mum, something's wrong with Fiend.

-More wrong than normal?

-Yeah. Something's up.

He keeps talking in questions and seems confused.

He's just not right. Could you keep an eye on him? Please?

Fine, I'll keep an eye on him.

You're the best mum I've ever had.

I know about sleepless nights.

I've got a couple of little monsters myself. Ha!

Oh, hi, Nick!

Nick's back. Do you still want a word with him?

-Who are you talking to?

-It's Geoff, he thinks he's your boss.

Hi! Geoff! Hi. I can explain...

Me?! I'm fine. Or am I? Don't ask me.

Ask someone else... Or don't, I don't mind.

Or do I? Eh...

I see what you mean.

He doesn't seem to be himself.

What normally cheers him up?

HE SQUEAKS Let's try that then.

Aaaargh! That!

Eurgh...

Great, bogey-ball!

Do I pass the ball or keep it?

Yeah, no, of course, Geoff. Yeah. OK. I understand, OK, bye.

That's unbelievable.

It seems that Geoff thinks that this Haggis kid's a real go-getter!

Oh! His name's like my name.

He means you, you big tangle!

He loves your idea for this chocolate bar.

He wants to work out an ad campaign with you.

Yay, go me!

It'll never happen. You may have Geoff wrapped round your

massive little finger, but there's no way

the Managing Director will fall for your ideas.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Hello? Yeah. Oh, hi, Geoff.

OK. Yeah. Good. Bye.

He loved it.

Too soon?

Then there's the pass itself. Should I play a short ball,

or a long ball?

Or a curve ball? Or should I eat the ball?

Or take it to a ball?

Can you take a ball to a ball?

-No better, then?

-It's like he's lost

the ability to make even the most basic decisions.

-What, like when you send Dad food shopping?

-Worse!

How could he be worse?

Hey. Should I be breathing in, or breathing out?

For the hundredth time, it's both, one after the other.

-But...

-And it doesn't matter which one first!

Oh, gotcha. Thanks.

HE BREATHES IN AND OUT LOUDLY

OK, he's worse.

I'm helping.

You know what, Haggis, why don't you knock off early this afternoon?

You have helped enough.

No, no, I'll stay.

Right.

It's just that... I appreciate the help you've given me on the campaign,

but I have to go through some advert ideas with Geoff in half an hour,

and, um... it's a video call.

Which means you can't be here. Yeah?

What with you being a seven foot monster.

So...

Hmm...

No, oh, no. I don't think so.

-Excuse me?

-Don't get me wrong, you're a hard worker,

but I don't think you've got what it takes

to sell our ideas to Mr Geoff.

I don't think you are "askertive" enough.

So, maybe you would like to go home early,

and leave the talking to me.

There's a good human thingy!

Look, mister, I don't know who you think you are...

I am Haggis! And I am a monster, not a mouse!

If you don't like that, maybe you should find somewhere else to work.

Because Mr Geoff, he likes me just the way I am!

Eddie! Eddie! Come and get this ugly rug out of my study!

-COMPUTER BEEPS

-You're early.

No, I'm not.

AAARGH!

-Eddie!

-What?

It's Haggis. I don't know what sort of training you've been giving him,

but he thinks he's got the best ideas. He won't listen to me

and now he wants to make all the big decisions. Honestly,

he is as bad as him!

Tom-AY-to...tom-AH-to.

Tom-AY-to!

Tom-AH-to!

NORMAN SQUEAKS

It is? Oh, like this wasn't confusing enough!

That's it! The problem's not Fiend, it's Haggis.

Think about it. If Haggis starts making all the decisions

and thinking of all the ideas, then what happens to Fiend?

Hello? Is anybody there?

THAT'S what happens to Fiend.

OK. But my problem is Haggis. Can you please get him out of my study

right now? I've got an important video call at 5pm.

Um, it is five.

What? Oh, no, no, no!

Have you got a plan to put all this right?

Depends.

Have you got any really old shoes?

HE LAUGHS

Oh, definitely, monsters love chocolate.

HAGGIS!

-What have you done?

-I answered the call, then he screamed,

-and then I told him I was a monster, and then...

-Oh, no! That's him!

-I'll get it.

-No, no, no! Just...

stay there.

Hi, Geoff.

Yeah. Just...webcam's getting a bit of interference.

Nick...

I loved it! Best special effect I've ever seen.

And Haggis's voice was perfect - bold and confident. A real monster!

-Great job, Nick!

-I'll... I... Thank you.

In fact, I've got Charlie from the chocolate company coming here soon.

We'll do another video chat then,

and you can show him what you've just shown me, and if he loves it

half as much as I do, someone's in line for a big promotion.

Er... OK! Great.

Get to it, then! See you in five.

Haggis...

you're the best!

I know!

Not what I expected!

The monsters stays. Because you are my furry ticket to the top!

If you say so. But do you need him this second?

I was going to make some milkshakes.

-Milkshakes?

-Yeah, go get a milkshake.

Milkshake, burger, keys to the car, whatever he wants.

Just make sure he's back here in five.

That furball is going to make my career.

HE SQUEEZES THROUGH THE DOOR

So, what flavour would you like?

Chocolate, every time!

And I'll make one for Fiend. What flavour would he like?

Old shoe, it's his favourite.

But you know that!

Well, I thought I did.

Strawberry!

No. Butterscotch!

No, no, no, no. Chocolate!

-Oh, no.

-Eddie, you used all the milk again.

-Sshh!

Ohh... or old shoes!

Fiend, what are you doing?

There is old shoe flavour, right in front of you!

You love old shoe flavour!

Then there's always tomato... I mean, banana. Um...

Can I phone a friend?

Or actually, could you phone a friend for me?

I couldn't decide who to call.

Um, what's up with him?

Yeah, he's acting really weird.

And not in the good way!

We should do something.

What shall we do?

Well, you're the big ideas monster. So why don't you tell us?

-Right, well, we should, um...

-We should what?

-We... we should...

-What?

-Come on!

-If we...

-Tell us!

I DON'T KNOW, OK?!

-You don't know?

-Doesn't sound very assertive to me.

I don't want to be "askertive" any more.

And I don't have any ideas!

At least, not good ones.

But not on purpose. I just can't be the Haggis you want me to be.

-Oh, Haggis. Eddie, get over here.

-Haggis, I don't want to change you,

I just didn't want you to get pushed around.

Then maybe you should talk to the people doing the pushing!

Look, I'm sorry, Haggis.

It's not fair for me to always blame you.

You're my favourite monster.

That is such a weird sentence!

So, can I go back to being me?

-Yes.

-Of course you can.

And can Fiend go back to being Fiend?

Well, that's what we want, but if you're all out of ideas,

then how do we fix him?

You know, whenever I need an idea,

do you know who I ask?

Fiend, what can I do to make you better?

You mean... you don't know?

I've no idea. You were always best at decisions.

Well, I suppose that's true.

Let me think for a minute.

Pass me that milkshake, the one with the shoe in it.

-My favourite.

-Ooh!

It's my favourite!

I'm cured!

The Fiendmaster General is back!

And he's never felt better. Ha-ha!

Norman, catch! Hah!

Do try to be ready next time.

Right, break time's over, big guy.

We have got a date with Mr Chocolate!

Well, I hope it's not a hot date - he'll melt!

THEY LAUGH

Come on, Haggis, let's go.

I think we might have to have a little talk.

We can talk after, yeah? You're on in 30 seconds.

Take a seat, Charlie. I hope your laces are tied up tight,

because this will blow your socks off! Ready when you are, Nick.

And now, thanks to the very latest in special effects technology,

I present to you, very proudly, the face of the Real Monster Bar!

I'm shy, can I go?

(What are you doing? Be asskertive! I mean, assertive!)

I don't like the way that man's looking at me.

It's making me go all red. I mean, you can't see it for all the fur,

but... oh, no!

You call that a monster?!

Oh, I should go.

Hey, what are you doing? Hey!

What's going on? What happened to the character you showed me earlier?

He's turned into some sort of bashful Barbara!

-Boring is what I'd call it.

-You've ruined it, Nick!

We wanted a confident, fast-talking monster, who takes no prisoners

-and says what he thinks.

-Wait one second!

Da-da-da-daaa! Hi there, chocolate lovers!

I hear you're looking for a monster with a little more bite. Ha-haah!

Ha-ha-ha!

MUSIC PLAYING ON TV Sssh, you're missing it!

So, come and get a Real Monster Bar today.

It's chocolate with more bite!

Hah! Like anyone would listen to that joker!

Talk about big-headed!

'So, it seemed like the monsters were back to their normal selves.

'Well, as normal as they ever were.

'But then, I always knew they'd never change.'

Oh-ho!

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Um, hi. I was wondering,

would it be possible to borrow the Kingdom of Snowglobia

for the purpose of liberating its peoples and whatnot?

Er... what...

There, knock yourself out.

Ha-ha! Well, what do you know?

'Once in a while, they do seem to learn a thing or two.'

Told you!

'Fiend, for example, has learned

'to listen to Haggis just a little more often.

-'But sadly...'

-Norman! Catch!

'..Norman still hasn't learned how to catch.'

Well, they're free now!

THEY ALL LAUGH

# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd