My Big Fat Monster Wedding Me and My Monsters


My Big Fat Monster Wedding

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# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

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# You put me right when I am going wrong

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# You're my hands when my arms are tied

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# You colour me in when I'm black and white

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# You pick me up when I fall down

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# You take my frown and you turn it around

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# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

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# Don't be sad or lonely

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# If you need someone to hold your hand

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# Me and my monsters can

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# Me and my monsters can. #

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'Life can be pretty confusing.

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'It makes some people happy, it makes some people crazy,

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'and it makes others go...'

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Bffffft!

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Not again!

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It's an advert for breakfast cereal, Haggis!

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I know. But the cereal loves the milk, and the milk loves the cereal

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and they're...so happy!

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Bfffffft!

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Every time...

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Meep meep! Brrrrr.

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-What's up, Norm?

-He says human dead thingy person's come back

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in his red-square-robot-with-wheels- brrrm-brrrm thingy.

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-You mean Dad's back in his car?

-That's what I said.

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You guys aren't supposed to be up here!

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Quick, hide! Too late.

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That's fine, just send the proofs...who-a-a-a-a!

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I'll call you back.

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What is this?

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That's my bogey catcher.

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Eurgh!

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Eddie, you know the monsters aren't supposed to be up here!

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I don't have time for this. I have a report to write...

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-Dad? Dad!

-..it's my and your mum's anniversary,

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and I've got... Ohhh.

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What?

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Ohhh.

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-I totally forgot our anniversary.

-Hey, Eddie, what's an anniversary?

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Yeah, can I eat it?

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No, it's...once a year, Mum and Dad like to celebrate

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-when they got married.

-When they remember.

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What's "married"?

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Can I eat it?

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Help!

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Listen. Sometimes, when people are in love, right,

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they stand in a big room with lots of people

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and say a bunch of sentimental rubbish to each other.

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Then every year on the same day they buy each other

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flowers and write stupid poems with hearts and stuff.

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-It's really stupid.

-Oh!

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-I don't get it.

-What's a poem?

-Can I eat it?

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Oh, forget it!

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Mum's not going to be happy.

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Look, she can't find out I've forgotten again.

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-I'm sure you can still put something together.

-Right!

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Monsters, downstairs. Eddie, clean up.

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One romantic dinner coming up!

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So, Dad, you know how I'm your favourite daughter?

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What do you want?

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-Can I please go to the Scuzzbuckets concert?

-Who with?

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-On my own.

-No, I don't think so.

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-Maybe if you go with a friend.

-That might be a problem.

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Nobody likes them. That's why I like them.

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Maybe I'll come - show you my moves.

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OK. I'd rather go with Norman.

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I was joking! Get down.

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MOBILE RINGS

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'Hey, Geoff, how you doing?'

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Ah, good. How's it going on the slogan for this racing game?

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Good, yeah. I had some ideas.

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I'm going to get back to you tomorrow, something's come up.

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'The client is impatient.'

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We need to nail it or we could lose the campaign. Tonight if you can.

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-Tonight!

-Yeah. Didn't have any plans, did you?

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Well! Dah! I'll see what I can come up with.

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Good. Call you in a bit.

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-What's up?

-Nothing! I can do this.

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-Whoa, what's that?

-A duck!

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-Isn't that for Mum's job tomorrow?

-I'll get another one tomorrow.

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I'll make...er...duck a l'orange! Very romantic.

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-Your mum'll love it.

-OK. You can't cook.

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-Yeah, I can.

-Um, Dad, the only thing you can cook is cheesy beanos.

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And that's just cheese and beans on toast, OK?

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-You even burnt that last time.

-I've got a duck, an orange -

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how hard can it possibly be?

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Ah! Ooh!

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-Woo!

-Er, how's it going, Dad?

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It's a disaster. The thing's not fit for human consumption.

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Ooh, really? Ha-ha! Cool!

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HE GOBBLES

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I thought I told you to keep the monsters downstairs!

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DOOR SHUTS

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KATE: Hello?

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Wait, that's Kate. Everyone, disappear!

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Where are you guys?

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Ahh!

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-Hi, everyone!

-Ahh, not yet, not yet!

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Nick?

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Hello, darling!

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I like what you've done with your hair.

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Thought I'd try something different.

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Look, don't come in. It's a big surprise.

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Oh, Nick, I thought you'd forgotten!

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What, me?! No! Ha-ha!

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-Let's see...

-No!

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Er, just take a seat and I'll be out in a minute.

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HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

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Sure.

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Nutter!

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Guys, I need your help. I can keep her distracted,

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but I need you to tidy all this up.

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-Can I go to the Scuzzbuckets?

-I'll think about it.

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If she's going to that, I want a Chinese takeaway.

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This is no time... Wait! That's a brilliant idea.

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Your mum loves Chinese food.

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Here.

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-Give me that!

-Oh, what's that?

-It's a takeaway menu.

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You phone the number on the front and order the food

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and they deliver it to your door.

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Why haven't we heard about this before?!

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Can I have marshymallow rhinoceros and a bubblegum ball

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and, and-d-d...bogey soup?!

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Can we get crispy duck?

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-I already did.

-HE BURPS

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Just order lots. If you can sneak it in without her knowing,

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present it nicely, I can pretend I planned it all along. Go, go, go!

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Any food we want?

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-Mmm.

-Ahh!

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So, come on, Nick. Tell me what's going on.

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I'm....doing dinner.

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But the only thing you can cook is cheesy beanos,

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-and you even burnt them the last time...

-Yeah, well,

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I'm doing something...different.

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Oh. Well, thank you.

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Here.

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Oh...we're doing presents...

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Here!

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TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

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You haven't got your phone on, have you?

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-No, that's the doorbell.

-Nick, the doorbell doesn't sound like that.

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-the doorbell sounds like...

-DOORBELL RINGS

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..that.

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Wait! I'll, um...just...

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-Delivery for Eddie Carlson?

-Great! Yeah, that's me.

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And also, one for Mr Fiend.

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-What's all this?

-Mr Fiend!

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-You ordered seven of everything on the menu.

-Did I? Ha-ha.

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Wow.

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Good job, though. I'm hungry.

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-What?

-Nothing. Um...

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I just like your T-shirt.

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Oh, thanks.

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-I smell foo-o-od!

-Thanks.

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Right, set this out nicely, take whatever's left to the basement,

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I'm sure there'll be plenty.

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THEY CHEER

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I'm not eating down there.

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Please, darling! MOBILE RINGS

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Yeah, hi. Hi, Geoff.

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Er, no, what email? I'll check it.

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Yeah, do they sound cross?

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Right! You heard the man. Line up!

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Woo-hoo-hoo!

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Don't drop it!

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Hurry!

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That's the way. Yes.

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All right, that's it.

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That's good, cos I'm stuffed.

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Haggis, where's all the food?

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Haggis, you didn't?!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hey, I forgot to give you your complimentary prawn crackers.

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Oh, right. Thanks!

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-Angela!

-Sorry, got to go.

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Nick, what's going on? You're being weird.

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Sorry, darling, I've...

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I want it to be all romantic and...

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You know it would be a lot more romantic

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if we were actually in the same room.

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Well, the wait is over!

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If you'd like to join me in the kitchen, ma'am?

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-Ta-da!

-What's this?

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Um...

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This is the latest food craze sweeping the nation.

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It's a real delicacy.

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What, prawn crackers?

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Not just any prawn crackers!

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Prawn...crackers...with purple hair all over them.

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Well, go on then, if it's such a delicacy.

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Mmm.

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Beautiful.

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This is what I've been waiting all this time for?

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Told you it was a surprise!

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You forgot, didn't you?

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TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

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And you left your phone on!

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No, that's the dishwasher. MOBILE RINGS

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Don't you dare answer that.

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Look, I really have to take this call.

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I'm just going to be a sec.

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Hi, Geoff. Yeah, no, no. You're my top priority.

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It's just, I need a little more time.

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DOOR SHUTS

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Ohhh!

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Why does human mum thingy person sound so sad?

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Should I tickle her?

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No, guys. This is serious.

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You'd better stay here.

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What's up, Mum?

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Your dad's idea of a romantic dinner isn't what it used to be, is all.

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Prawn crackers and phone calls from his boss.

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That is not the man I married.

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-Oh!

-Not the man she married?!

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Then who is he?!

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Maybe he's a robot.

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Maybe he's an alien!

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-Exactly.

-Then where's the real Dad?

-I don't know.

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But we've got to find out.

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-Morning.

-Morning, Eddie.

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Where's my duck?

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Er, I don't know...

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-I think maybe Dad...

-Say no more. Don't want to hear it.

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Fine. I'll just have to get another.

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Er, where is Dad, by the way?

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Probably out on a date with his boss.

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Didn't even come to bed last night.

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OK, buster.

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Tell me what you've done with the real dad-thingy-human-person.

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Look, for the last time, I am the real human-dad-thingy-person.

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That's exactly what a robot alien imposter would say!

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Norm! The duster!

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No, don't...no, look... not again, not again!

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-Ah-pffff!

-Bless you.

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-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Haggis!

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Oh, sorry. I mean, gg-r-r-r-o-a-r!

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Now, for the last time,

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what are you doing here?

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You tied me up, you brought me down to the basement,

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that's what I'm doing here, you great green blob!

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Ha! Take that! Green blob, is it? Really?

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Ha! How do you like that, robot alien?

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-OK...

-Squirty squirty! Mm?

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OK, all right.

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If you let me go,

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you can have all the Chinese food you can eat.

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You can live upstairs, happily, with us, as a family,

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forever.

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Ohh...

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The real Dad would NEVER say that!

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You leave me no choice.

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Humph! Haggis! Humph.

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HE SHRIEKS

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HE STOMPS AND GRUNTS

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Pull...my...finger.

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-Guys?

-Eddie!

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-Eddie! Help! Down here, here! Help!

-Silence him, quick!

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-The smelly socks!

-Ahh-h-h-h!

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Eddie, thank goodness you're here.

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We caught it.

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-You caught what?

-The robot pretending to be Dad.

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-Seriously, guys, we have to untie him!

-No, wait!

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The human-mum-thingy-person said this wasn't the man she married!

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-She didn't mean it like that!

-We all heard her, Eddie.

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OK, I'll prove it to you.

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Back in a minute, Dad.

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-Sorry!

-MUFFLED GROAN

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TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

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It's got human-dad-thingy-person's talking-box-thingy-machine!

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Grab it!

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It may be trying to communicate with the other robot alien imposters!

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What does "delete all" mean?

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MUFFLED CRIES

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hey. I, um, forgot to give you this last night.

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Oh, quite forgetful, aren't you? What is it?

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It's a fortune cookie. It tells your future and stuff.

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Open it.

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-Did someone say "cookies"?!

-Got to go! Bye!

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Eddie, will you keep your overgrown teddy in the basement, please?

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"The one you are looking for is right...on your doorstep."

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Here, look. This is Mum and Dad's wedding album.

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It's full of pictures from when they got married.

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Oh, that doesn't look anything like Dad!

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No, that's Mum's Great Aunt Mable.

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Ooh, I like her hat.

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Ha-ha! She really is "great".

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Are you kidding?

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She looks ridiculous.

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Well, I like it!

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Anyway, look.

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There's Mum...and there's Dad.

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LAUGHTER

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That doesn't look anything like Dad either!

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Or the alien robot imposter! It's got long hair!

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Hmm. OK. Hold this.

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There!

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See?

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Nope. That one's got a red jacket on

0:16:380:16:42

and this one's covered in tape and stuff.

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Someone's coming!

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SHOUTING

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What's going on? Where's Dad?

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Exactly!

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Who is under there? Eddie?

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I tried to explain to them, but...

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-Dad!

-..Ahh, thank goodness. MOBILE RINGS

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Untie me, I have to answer that.

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Oh. If I untie you, will you let me go to the Scuzzbuckets?

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Angela, this isn't the time, please!

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-It's your boss. Maybe I should let Haggis answer it.

-You wouldn't!

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Scuzzbuckets?

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Just stop messing around and untie me!

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Er, yello?

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I'm in the basement, where are you?

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What do you mean, this isn't my voice?

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Then whose voice is it? And where's my voice?

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Oh, someone's stolen my voice! Oh!

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What is going on down here?

0:17:410:17:44

Oh, hello, sweetheart!

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Kate, it's not funny. I've been down here all night!

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I have been tickled, squirted - Haggis almost let rip in my face!

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Eddie, why is your dad tied to a chair in the basement?

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The monsters think he's an imposter.

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OK, and why?

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They heard you say he's not the man you married.

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I've been trying to show them he is with this.

0:18:050:18:09

Oh! I haven't looked at this in years!

0:18:090:18:13

Look at this.

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Your dad wrote this to me on the morning of our wedding.

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"I'm the happiest man alife to be taking you as my wife."

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-Ew, that is awful.

-It's sweet!

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Well, yeah...

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You used to be so romantic. What happened?

0:18:270:18:29

What are you talking about?

0:18:290:18:31

-I did the whole romantic dinner thing last night!

-Prawn crackers?

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-I burnt the duck.

-It was yummy!

-It was mine!

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HE SIGHS

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I forgot our anniversary.

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But I'm really, really sorry, sweetheart.

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I wouldn't have minded, Nick,

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but you spent more time on the phone to your boss than you did with me.

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PHONE RINGS

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Uh...Uh... Kate, look, he's been trying to call me all day!

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I still haven't come up with a slogan!

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And you didn't even open the present I got you.

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This is more important than the silly present!

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No... No, I didn't... No...

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What could be more important than a silly present?

0:19:050:19:09

Kate, I'm sorry.

0:19:090:19:11

You know what? You're right. This isn't the real Dad.

0:19:110:19:14

He's in there somewhere. I just wish we could see him once in a while.

0:19:140:19:18

-PHONE KEEPS RINGING

-Hello?

0:19:180:19:21

Me again? What?

0:19:210:19:24

Just give me that... Argh!

0:19:240:19:26

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

0:19:280:19:30

What's it sound like?

0:19:320:19:34

NORMAN MAKES FUNNY NOISES

0:19:340:19:36

Oh, she said the real Dad is in there somewhere.

0:19:390:19:42

For the last time, I'm the real Dad.

0:19:420:19:45

Yeah, but the guy in these photos is laughing and having fun

0:19:450:19:48

and you never have fun.

0:19:480:19:51

Here you go, Dad.

0:19:520:19:54

Wow, that is horrible.

0:19:570:19:59

That's...brilliant.

0:19:590:20:02

And I said it was a silly present.

0:20:030:20:05

Uh, Dad...it is a silly present.

0:20:050:20:08

No, it's not. It's great, look.

0:20:080:20:10

It's the one I wore on my wedding day.

0:20:120:20:14

It's been broken for ages. She must have had it...

0:20:140:20:17

HE LAUGHS

0:20:200:20:21

..fixed!

0:20:210:20:22

Oh! Dad thingy person!

0:20:220:20:26

-Where have you been?

-We've been looking for you everywhere!

0:20:260:20:31

I'm going to have to get her a really big bunch of flowers this time.

0:20:310:20:35

Uh, I think you're going to have to do a bit better than flowers.

0:20:350:20:39

That's it! We've got a couple of hours

0:20:390:20:41

before Mum gets home from work, right?

0:20:410:20:44

Norm, go get that wig.

0:20:440:20:47

Oh, hi.

0:20:510:20:52

-Thanks...

-They're from Dad.

0:20:540:20:57

Well, they're very nice, but I'm afraid I'm still a little mad...

0:20:570:21:01

This way!

0:21:010:21:02

MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

0:21:070:21:10

What on Earth?!

0:21:120:21:14

Nick?

0:21:180:21:20

G'day.

0:21:210:21:22

HAGGIS CRIES

0:21:220:21:25

What is all this?

0:21:260:21:28

OK, settle down, settle down.

0:21:280:21:31

Thanks for coming! Hey, where you from?

0:21:310:21:34

Um... here.

0:21:350:21:36

No kidding?! Say, I like your hair, son.

0:21:360:21:39

Anyone ever tell you you look like Rapunzel?

0:21:390:21:42

-Not twice.

-Hey, relax, buddy!

0:21:420:21:45

-Let your hair down.

-HE LAUGHS

0:21:450:21:48

-Fiend...

-Oh. I got carried away.

0:21:480:21:52

May we have the ring?

0:21:520:21:53

FIEND CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:21:570:22:00

Human Mum thingy person, do you take human Dad thingy person

0:22:000:22:05

in the human marriage anniversary thingy again?

0:22:050:22:10

I do.

0:22:100:22:12

Human Dad thingy person, do you promise to always remember

0:22:130:22:18

to try to have fun?

0:22:180:22:20

PHONE RINGS I...

0:22:200:22:23

Jeff...

0:22:260:22:29

Jeff, I've been thinking.

0:22:290:22:31

Family fun comes first.

0:22:310:22:34

HE BURPS

0:22:380:22:40

Family fun comes first.

0:22:430:22:45

Family fun comes first. Oh, I like it.

0:22:480:22:51

Yes! Family fun comes first.

0:22:510:22:53

That's our new slogan. Nick, you're a genius!

0:22:530:22:57

NORMAN PLAYS THE ORGAN

0:22:570:23:00

You may now do that smoochy thing I've seen you do.

0:23:000:23:04

Oh, yes!

0:23:040:23:05

OK! OK! That's enough!

0:23:050:23:09

Oh, gross...

0:23:110:23:12

You know what that means, don't you?

0:23:150:23:18

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, come off it. Real mature, guys.

0:23:180:23:22

Hey. I've got these tickets to see The Scuzzbuckets next week

0:23:230:23:27

-if, you know...

-Really?

0:23:270:23:29

But...no one likes The Scuzzbuckets.

0:23:290:23:33

Yeah, and that's why I like 'em.

0:23:330:23:34

My dad said that he'll take us there and he'll pick us up

0:23:340:23:38

and he won't come in or anything. So, do you want to come?

0:23:380:23:43

I'd love to!

0:23:430:23:44

I mean, whatever, sure. I don't know...

0:23:440:23:47

-OK! Cool.

-OK. Cool.

0:23:470:23:50

Um, here you go. I don't... Sorry.

0:23:500:23:54

Was that from your boyfriend?

0:24:030:24:05

Pfft! Yeah, right, Haggis!

0:24:050:24:07

HE LAUGHS

0:24:070:24:09

OK, so, love is confusing.

0:24:090:24:12

But everyone wants it, really.

0:24:120:24:14

Even if they say they don't.

0:24:140:24:16

And if you find it, hold on to it as tight as you can,

0:24:160:24:19

with both thumbs.

0:24:190:24:21

OK, OK, OK! Get off me, get off me, get off me!

0:24:210:24:23

We have to go into the kitchen now for the wedding feast!

0:24:230:24:26

-What are we having?

-What do you think we're having?

0:24:260:24:29

Cheesy beanos!

0:24:290:24:31

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

0:24:320:24:35

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:24:410:24:44

E-mail [email protected]

0:24:440:24:46

# Don't be sad or lonely

0:24:460:24:49

# If you need someone to hold your hand

0:24:490:24:52

# Me and my monsters can. #

0:24:520:24:56

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