My Big Fat Monster Wedding Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

'Life can be pretty confusing.

'It makes some people happy, it makes some people crazy,

'and it makes others go...'

Bffffft!

Not again!

It's an advert for breakfast cereal, Haggis!

I know. But the cereal loves the milk, and the milk loves the cereal

and they're...so happy!

Bfffffft!

Every time...

Meep meep! Brrrrr.

-What's up, Norm?

-He says human dead thingy person's come back

in his red-square-robot-with-wheels- brrrm-brrrm thingy.

-You mean Dad's back in his car?

-That's what I said.

You guys aren't supposed to be up here!

Quick, hide! Too late.

That's fine, just send the proofs...who-a-a-a-a!

I'll call you back.

What is this?

That's my bogey catcher.

Eurgh!

Eddie, you know the monsters aren't supposed to be up here!

I don't have time for this. I have a report to write...

-Dad? Dad!

-..it's my and your mum's anniversary,

and I've got... Ohhh.

What?

Ohhh.

-I totally forgot our anniversary.

-Hey, Eddie, what's an anniversary?

Yeah, can I eat it?

No, it's...once a year, Mum and Dad like to celebrate

-when they got married.

-When they remember.

What's "married"?

Can I eat it?

Help!

Listen. Sometimes, when people are in love, right,

they stand in a big room with lots of people

and say a bunch of sentimental rubbish to each other.

Then every year on the same day they buy each other

flowers and write stupid poems with hearts and stuff.

-It's really stupid.

-Oh!

-I don't get it.

-What's a poem?

-Can I eat it?

Oh, forget it!

Mum's not going to be happy.

Look, she can't find out I've forgotten again.

-I'm sure you can still put something together.

-Right!

Monsters, downstairs. Eddie, clean up.

One romantic dinner coming up!

So, Dad, you know how I'm your favourite daughter?

What do you want?

-Can I please go to the Scuzzbuckets concert?

-Who with?

-On my own.

-No, I don't think so.

-Maybe if you go with a friend.

-That might be a problem.

Nobody likes them. That's why I like them.

Maybe I'll come - show you my moves.

OK. I'd rather go with Norman.

I was joking! Get down.

MOBILE RINGS

'Hey, Geoff, how you doing?'

Ah, good. How's it going on the slogan for this racing game?

Good, yeah. I had some ideas.

I'm going to get back to you tomorrow, something's come up.

'The client is impatient.'

We need to nail it or we could lose the campaign. Tonight if you can.

-Tonight!

-Yeah. Didn't have any plans, did you?

Well! Dah! I'll see what I can come up with.

Good. Call you in a bit.

-What's up?

-Nothing! I can do this.

-Whoa, what's that?

-A duck!

-Isn't that for Mum's job tomorrow?

-I'll get another one tomorrow.

I'll make...er...duck a l'orange! Very romantic.

-Your mum'll love it.

-OK. You can't cook.

-Yeah, I can.

-Um, Dad, the only thing you can cook is cheesy beanos.

And that's just cheese and beans on toast, OK?

-You even burnt that last time.

-I've got a duck, an orange -

how hard can it possibly be?

Ah! Ooh!

-Woo!

-Er, how's it going, Dad?

It's a disaster. The thing's not fit for human consumption.

Ooh, really? Ha-ha! Cool!

HE GOBBLES

I thought I told you to keep the monsters downstairs!

DOOR SHUTS

KATE: Hello?

Wait, that's Kate. Everyone, disappear!

Where are you guys?

Ahh!

-Hi, everyone!

-Ahh, not yet, not yet!

Nick?

Hello, darling!

I like what you've done with your hair.

Thought I'd try something different.

Look, don't come in. It's a big surprise.

Oh, Nick, I thought you'd forgotten!

What, me?! No! Ha-ha!

-Let's see...

-No!

Er, just take a seat and I'll be out in a minute.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Sure.

Nutter!

Guys, I need your help. I can keep her distracted,

but I need you to tidy all this up.

-Can I go to the Scuzzbuckets?

-I'll think about it.

If she's going to that, I want a Chinese takeaway.

This is no time... Wait! That's a brilliant idea.

Your mum loves Chinese food.

Here.

-Give me that!

-Oh, what's that?

-It's a takeaway menu.

You phone the number on the front and order the food

and they deliver it to your door.

Why haven't we heard about this before?!

Can I have marshymallow rhinoceros and a bubblegum ball

and, and-d-d...bogey soup?!

Can we get crispy duck?

-I already did.

-HE BURPS

Just order lots. If you can sneak it in without her knowing,

present it nicely, I can pretend I planned it all along. Go, go, go!

Any food we want?

-Mmm.

-Ahh!

So, come on, Nick. Tell me what's going on.

I'm....doing dinner.

But the only thing you can cook is cheesy beanos,

-and you even burnt them the last time...

-Yeah, well,

I'm doing something...different.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Here.

Oh...we're doing presents...

Here!

TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

You haven't got your phone on, have you?

-No, that's the doorbell.

-Nick, the doorbell doesn't sound like that.

-the doorbell sounds like...

-DOORBELL RINGS

..that.

Wait! I'll, um...just...

-Delivery for Eddie Carlson?

-Great! Yeah, that's me.

And also, one for Mr Fiend.

-What's all this?

-Mr Fiend!

-You ordered seven of everything on the menu.

-Did I? Ha-ha.

Wow.

Good job, though. I'm hungry.

-What?

-Nothing. Um...

I just like your T-shirt.

Oh, thanks.

-I smell foo-o-od!

-Thanks.

Right, set this out nicely, take whatever's left to the basement,

I'm sure there'll be plenty.

THEY CHEER

I'm not eating down there.

Please, darling! MOBILE RINGS

Yeah, hi. Hi, Geoff.

Er, no, what email? I'll check it.

Yeah, do they sound cross?

Right! You heard the man. Line up!

Woo-hoo-hoo!

Don't drop it!

Hurry!

That's the way. Yes.

All right, that's it.

That's good, cos I'm stuffed.

Haggis, where's all the food?

Haggis, you didn't?!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, I forgot to give you your complimentary prawn crackers.

Oh, right. Thanks!

-Angela!

-Sorry, got to go.

Nick, what's going on? You're being weird.

Sorry, darling, I've...

I want it to be all romantic and...

You know it would be a lot more romantic

if we were actually in the same room.

Well, the wait is over!

If you'd like to join me in the kitchen, ma'am?

-Ta-da!

-What's this?

Um...

This is the latest food craze sweeping the nation.

It's a real delicacy.

What, prawn crackers?

Not just any prawn crackers!

Prawn...crackers...with purple hair all over them.

Well, go on then, if it's such a delicacy.

Mmm.

Beautiful.

This is what I've been waiting all this time for?

Told you it was a surprise!

You forgot, didn't you?

TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

And you left your phone on!

No, that's the dishwasher. MOBILE RINGS

Don't you dare answer that.

Look, I really have to take this call.

I'm just going to be a sec.

Hi, Geoff. Yeah, no, no. You're my top priority.

It's just, I need a little more time.

DOOR SHUTS

Ohhh!

Why does human mum thingy person sound so sad?

Should I tickle her?

No, guys. This is serious.

You'd better stay here.

What's up, Mum?

Your dad's idea of a romantic dinner isn't what it used to be, is all.

Prawn crackers and phone calls from his boss.

That is not the man I married.

-Oh!

-Not the man she married?!

Then who is he?!

Maybe he's a robot.

Maybe he's an alien!

-Exactly.

-Then where's the real Dad?

-I don't know.

But we've got to find out.

-Morning.

-Morning, Eddie.

Where's my duck?

Er, I don't know...

-I think maybe Dad...

-Say no more. Don't want to hear it.

Fine. I'll just have to get another.

Er, where is Dad, by the way?

Probably out on a date with his boss.

Didn't even come to bed last night.

OK, buster.

Tell me what you've done with the real dad-thingy-human-person.

Look, for the last time, I am the real human-dad-thingy-person.

That's exactly what a robot alien imposter would say!

Norm! The duster!

No, don't...no, look... not again, not again!

-Ah-pffff!

-Bless you.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-Haggis!

Oh, sorry. I mean, gg-r-r-r-o-a-r!

Now, for the last time,

what are you doing here?

You tied me up, you brought me down to the basement,

that's what I'm doing here, you great green blob!

Ha! Take that! Green blob, is it? Really?

Ha! How do you like that, robot alien?

-OK...

-Squirty squirty! Mm?

OK, all right.

If you let me go,

you can have all the Chinese food you can eat.

You can live upstairs, happily, with us, as a family,

forever.

Ohh...

The real Dad would NEVER say that!

You leave me no choice.

Humph! Haggis! Humph.

HE SHRIEKS

HE STOMPS AND GRUNTS

Pull...my...finger.

-Guys?

-Eddie!

-Eddie! Help! Down here, here! Help!

-Silence him, quick!

-The smelly socks!

-Ahh-h-h-h!

Eddie, thank goodness you're here.

We caught it.

-You caught what?

-The robot pretending to be Dad.

-Seriously, guys, we have to untie him!

-No, wait!

The human-mum-thingy-person said this wasn't the man she married!

-She didn't mean it like that!

-We all heard her, Eddie.

OK, I'll prove it to you.

Back in a minute, Dad.

-Sorry!

-MUFFLED GROAN

TEXT MESSAGE BEEPS

It's got human-dad-thingy-person's talking-box-thingy-machine!

Grab it!

It may be trying to communicate with the other robot alien imposters!

What does "delete all" mean?

MUFFLED CRIES

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey. I, um, forgot to give you this last night.

Oh, quite forgetful, aren't you? What is it?

It's a fortune cookie. It tells your future and stuff.

Open it.

-Did someone say "cookies"?!

-Got to go! Bye!

Eddie, will you keep your overgrown teddy in the basement, please?

"The one you are looking for is right...on your doorstep."

Here, look. This is Mum and Dad's wedding album.

It's full of pictures from when they got married.

Oh, that doesn't look anything like Dad!

No, that's Mum's Great Aunt Mable.

Ooh, I like her hat.

Ha-ha! She really is "great".

Are you kidding?

She looks ridiculous.

Well, I like it!

Anyway, look.

There's Mum...and there's Dad.

LAUGHTER

That doesn't look anything like Dad either!

Or the alien robot imposter! It's got long hair!

Hmm. OK. Hold this.

There!

See?

Nope. That one's got a red jacket on

and this one's covered in tape and stuff.

Someone's coming!

SHOUTING

What's going on? Where's Dad?

Exactly!

Who is under there? Eddie?

I tried to explain to them, but...

-Dad!

-..Ahh, thank goodness. MOBILE RINGS

Untie me, I have to answer that.

Oh. If I untie you, will you let me go to the Scuzzbuckets?

Angela, this isn't the time, please!

-It's your boss. Maybe I should let Haggis answer it.

-You wouldn't!

Scuzzbuckets?

Just stop messing around and untie me!

Er, yello?

I'm in the basement, where are you?

What do you mean, this isn't my voice?

Then whose voice is it? And where's my voice?

Oh, someone's stolen my voice! Oh!

What is going on down here?

Oh, hello, sweetheart!

Kate, it's not funny. I've been down here all night!

I have been tickled, squirted - Haggis almost let rip in my face!

Eddie, why is your dad tied to a chair in the basement?

The monsters think he's an imposter.

OK, and why?

They heard you say he's not the man you married.

I've been trying to show them he is with this.

Oh! I haven't looked at this in years!

Look at this.

Your dad wrote this to me on the morning of our wedding.

"I'm the happiest man alife to be taking you as my wife."

-Ew, that is awful.

-It's sweet!

Well, yeah...

You used to be so romantic. What happened?

What are you talking about?

-I did the whole romantic dinner thing last night!

-Prawn crackers?

-I burnt the duck.

-It was yummy!

-It was mine!

HE SIGHS

I forgot our anniversary.

But I'm really, really sorry, sweetheart.

I wouldn't have minded, Nick,

but you spent more time on the phone to your boss than you did with me.

PHONE RINGS

Uh...Uh... Kate, look, he's been trying to call me all day!

I still haven't come up with a slogan!

And you didn't even open the present I got you.

This is more important than the silly present!

No... No, I didn't... No...

What could be more important than a silly present?

Kate, I'm sorry.

You know what? You're right. This isn't the real Dad.

He's in there somewhere. I just wish we could see him once in a while.

-PHONE KEEPS RINGING

-Hello?

Me again? What?

Just give me that... Argh!

-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

What's it sound like?

NORMAN MAKES FUNNY NOISES

Oh, she said the real Dad is in there somewhere.

For the last time, I'm the real Dad.

Yeah, but the guy in these photos is laughing and having fun

and you never have fun.

Here you go, Dad.

Wow, that is horrible.

That's...brilliant.

And I said it was a silly present.

Uh, Dad...it is a silly present.

No, it's not. It's great, look.

It's the one I wore on my wedding day.

It's been broken for ages. She must have had it...

HE LAUGHS

..fixed!

Oh! Dad thingy person!

-Where have you been?

-We've been looking for you everywhere!

I'm going to have to get her a really big bunch of flowers this time.

Uh, I think you're going to have to do a bit better than flowers.

That's it! We've got a couple of hours

before Mum gets home from work, right?

Norm, go get that wig.

Oh, hi.

-Thanks...

-They're from Dad.

Well, they're very nice, but I'm afraid I'm still a little mad...

This way!

MUSIC: "Here Comes The Bride"

What on Earth?!

Nick?

G'day.

HAGGIS CRIES

What is all this?

OK, settle down, settle down.

Thanks for coming! Hey, where you from?

Um... here.

No kidding?! Say, I like your hair, son.

Anyone ever tell you you look like Rapunzel?

-Not twice.

-Hey, relax, buddy!

-Let your hair down.

-HE LAUGHS

-Fiend...

-Oh. I got carried away.

May we have the ring?

FIEND CLEARS HIS THROAT

Human Mum thingy person, do you take human Dad thingy person

in the human marriage anniversary thingy again?

I do.

Human Dad thingy person, do you promise to always remember

to try to have fun?

PHONE RINGS I...

Jeff...

Jeff, I've been thinking.

Family fun comes first.

HE BURPS

Family fun comes first.

Family fun comes first. Oh, I like it.

Yes! Family fun comes first.

That's our new slogan. Nick, you're a genius!

NORMAN PLAYS THE ORGAN

You may now do that smoochy thing I've seen you do.

Oh, yes!

OK! OK! That's enough!

Oh, gross...

You know what that means, don't you?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, come off it. Real mature, guys.

Hey. I've got these tickets to see The Scuzzbuckets next week

-if, you know...

-Really?

But...no one likes The Scuzzbuckets.

Yeah, and that's why I like 'em.

My dad said that he'll take us there and he'll pick us up

and he won't come in or anything. So, do you want to come?

I'd love to!

I mean, whatever, sure. I don't know...

-OK! Cool.

-OK. Cool.

Um, here you go. I don't... Sorry.

Was that from your boyfriend?

Pfft! Yeah, right, Haggis!

HE LAUGHS

OK, so, love is confusing.

But everyone wants it, really.

Even if they say they don't.

And if you find it, hold on to it as tight as you can,

with both thumbs.

OK, OK, OK! Get off me, get off me, get off me!

We have to go into the kitchen now for the wedding feast!

-What are we having?

-What do you think we're having?

Cheesy beanos!

THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #