Chain Gang Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends

# To share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can #

GLASS BREAKS

'Some people, and some monsters, are pretty easily impressed.'

-Haggis...

-Hmm?

Oh, wow! Oh, that's brilliant!

-Good, huh?

-Yeah! I wondered where I'd left that round shiny thing.

'Until they realise they're not sure what they've been impressed by.'

So, now you've found Haggis's shiny thing,

you can do that magic trick you were talking about!

That WAS the trick. Haggis didn't actually have a coin behind his ear.

Hmm... Are you going to do this at your school performance tonight?

Because I'm worried the audience will find it very confusing.

No. I'm going to be doing much better tricks than that.

These are just tricks from Dad's old magic box.

-Come on, Eddie! Time to go!

-I've got to go.

Ask Dad about magic tricks. He knows loads.

See ya!

HE LAUGHS I've got a trick, too.

Ice lollies, anyone? I found them abandoned in the freezer upstairs.

-One for me...

-NORMAN CLUCKS HAPPILY

And one for me.

Mmm... Er...

HE GRUNTS

I'll just have to wait for it to melt.

HE GASPS Norman!

Don't move! There's a bee on your ice lolly!

Shoo!

BUZZING

FIEND WHIMPERS

HE CLUCKS IN AGITATION

-Aarrgh!

-HE CHATTERS UNHAPPILY

NORMAN MOANS

HE CHATTERS

-Did Norman say something?

-Yes.

He said... "Bee! My nemesis!"

"Our battle is not over!"

"Wherever you go, I shall find you,

and when I do find you, I shall fight you

until one of us lies broken and defeated!"

"Bee, we...shall...meet...again!"

Wow! Did he say all that?

Well, I may have embellished it slightly.

So, Nick, when Angela's school friend Steve arrives

-for their date -

-His name's Steven, and it's not a date.

OK? He's just coming around to watch a film and have some popcorn.

Sorry. What would you call it, then - a meeting? A conference?

It's for school, and it's just for drama class, so...

-What movie is it?

-Romeo And Juliet.

Oh! Shakespeare's most romantic play. Date film!

-Stop it!

-He's just teasing you, Angela.

So, Nick, you're to stay out of Angela and Steven's way

during their "summit".

Did you both go to embarrassing-parent classes, or...

I won't embarrass you. What sort of parent do you think I am?

-I'm the coolest dad there is.

-Oh, not the "cool" thing!

Right! Let's go. Have a nice evening.

Yeah. Hope your date goes OK, Angela.

-It's not a date!

-Yeah, Eddie. It's a seminar! D'uh!

I was once your age, Angela. I know what it's like.

You don't want your square dad hanging around when you got a date.

You don't have to worry about me, though, because I am the coolest dad there is.

Oh, Dad! Please! Anything but this!

So I need you three to stay down here tonight.

Absolutely! We'll be as quiet as a mouse.

HE YOWLS AND YODELS

No, no, Norman. Mouse.

Moo!

Ah, close enough.

-See you tomorrow.

-Hey, quick question!

-What's magic tricks?

-Ooh, yes!

Eddie said you'd tell us.

OK. Just quickly.

Um... Right.

Now, magic tricks...

are making the amazing, yeah... seem simple.

So, pick a card, any card.

This one!

Right. Now, don't let me see it. Now, memorise it.

-OK.

-And put it back in the pack.

OK. There.

-There we go.

-Yeah. Now...say the magic word.

Abracadabra! And...

Hah... Hah... Hah!

Was that your card?

The J of black trees with the two-headed fancy man!

-That's it!

-Bravo!

-NORMAN CLUCKS

-Yeah, yeah! Another! Another!

What about those chains and padlocks? Are they part of a trick?

Er, yeah. They're an escape trick.

You chain yourself up and then you get out.

But I never really worked out how to do that properly.

-It's very difficult. Proper magicians only.

-Oh, like me!

-I'm a proper magician.

-Yeah!

If only! You could make yourself disappear - forever.

Make something come out of my ear, like a...a roast chicken!

That's enough for tonight, OK? So, remember...

-THEY ALL CHANT OBEDIENTLY

-Stay down here.

Perfect.

-Hmm... What was that magic word Human Dad Thingy used?

-Oh!

HE GIBBERS

Abracadabra? Well, if I'm going to compete against Dad Thingy,

I'll need a newer, sort of better word than that.

Flabracadoodle?

Oh! Much better! Flabracadoodle!

And now for some magic!

Um... What did he say about the chain trick again?

I can't remember.

I'm pretty sure he said we should give it a go.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's greatest magician...

The stupendous Fienduccio!

Oh, not this! Can you just go away?

Through the power of magic alone,

my glamorous assistant Haggis will turn that fizzy drink

into burps!

HE GIGGLES

HE SLURPS

Flabracadoodle!

HE BURPS NOISILY

THEY LAUGH

Thank you! Thank you!

-Now, for my next trick -

-No!

No more tricks, all right?

My friend Steven is about to arrive,

and I really just want you to go away.

You could impress your new boyfriend with a magic trick!

-He's not my new boyfriend.

-Popcorn, low lights...

Seems like he's someone you want to impress!

All right, fine. If I let you do one trick,

will you leave me alone?

As quick as you can say flabracadoodle!

Awesome. All right. What do I have to do?

Give the great Fienduccio your hand.

HE CHUCKLES

CHAINS JINGLING

Now...you escape!

-What?

-He'll love it!

What do you mean, I escape?

You escape! He'll be really impressed.

-But you're the magician!

-I know! That's the best part of the trick!

The magician doesn't have to do anything!

-But I can't get out of it!

-Really?

Hmm...

It's the second time we've had that problem.

NORMAN CHUCKLES AND CHATTERS

Norman didn't know how to escape either!

DOORBELL RINGING I'll get the door. Don't worry.

Everything's cool. It's all fine.

It's just a boy come to study with Angela. You can be cool Dad.

You're cool.

Good evening. You must be Mr Carlson.

Steven Williams. I'm here to watch a DVD with Angela.

I'm cool with that, Steve-O. A boy hanging with my daughter.

No problem. Doesn't ruffle my feathers. It's fly.

Come on in, bro.

-Hey, yeah! Yeah!

-Ooh!

Yeah, Angela's just in the living room,

chillin', lampin'.

Check it.

-SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-Hi, Steven!

Hi, Angela. Er...nice poncho.

Why are you wearing a poncho?

It actually said on the weather that it might rain,

and I'm worried about leaks.

Take it off, Angela. It looks ridiculous.

You know how leaky the house gets, Dad.

-NORMAN CHIRRUPS

-Steven doesn't have a poncho,

and he might catch cold. He should probably go home.

Don't be silly. This is Steven.

Look at him. He's resilient. He's cool.

-Waterproof. Good lookin' dude!

-Dad!

Er, don't worry about her, Steven. She's kind of square.

So, it's Steven. Steve? Steve-O?

-Stevarino...

-Steven!

-Steven.

-Well, I'll make you kids some tapas.

That's what you young people like. I read about it in a magazine.

Not for me, thanks. I have an allergy to Spanish ham.

-How about... Anything for you, Angela?

-Er...

I'll have the...monster portion.

Well, you can't, Angela. Tapas comes on little plates.

But I have a monstrous appetite.

Oh. I see. I see. OK. I get it.

You want me to take a lot of time making loads of tapas

-so you two cats can get to know each other.

-No! I mean -

I get it! I get it.

-So, Angela, do you fancy -

-Fancy you?!

No, I don't, actually.

I mean, wow! That's a bit of a complicated question, Steven.

Boyfriend!

Boy...friend. I mean... Hm! Should we really put a label on it?

No. I was going to say, would you fancy watching this film,

but now you mention it, maybe you and I -

-NORMAN CHIRRUPS AND CHUCKLES

-Whoo!

-SHE LAUGHS

-You and me!

Wow! I have finished my drink, clearly.

So I'm going to go down to the kitchen and get some more.

You stay right here.

I'll be right back. Got a bad leg, so...

Human Dad Thingy!

-Behold!

-I thought I specifically told you to stay downstairs tonight.

I shall now turn this pristine newspaper...

into...

-a mess!

-Flabracadoodle!

-Ta-daaah!

-HAGGIS LAUGHS

My newspaper!

It's good, innit?

HE SHRIEKS IN FRIGHT

A walking tent! I knew those nightmares were real.

Oh!

-NORMAN CLUCKS

-I want you to sort this right now.

Right! I mean, how did this happen?

I told you lot not to touch that trick.

Step aside, Human Dad Thingy!

I, the stupendous Fienduccio, will magic this better.

-No!

-No!

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Angela, I've got the DVD set up.

Er, don't come in, Steven! There's...ham. Everywhere!

We have to get rid of him!

Steven, why are you banging on the door like that?

Where are your manners? I think you should go home immediately.

Dad! I don't want him to think

that my dad is some kind of overbearing fruitcake, OK?

-I'll never live that down.

-Not cool?

-No, not cool.

OK. There's a book down in the magic box that can undo this.

Just wait here. I'll be right back!

Do you think maybe he meant this book?

The Easy Guide To Doing Magic.

-Look, I think I should go. Your dad said I shouldn't stay -

-No!

It's fine. Ignore my dad. He's trying to be funny.

What a lame-oh!

-I'll be right out.

-What?

Right, you two. Make sure Dad gets that book back.

-And you...

-HE CLUCKS NERVOUSLY

I can't believe I'm saying this, but stay as close to me as you can.

-Do you think you can do that?

-HE GIBBERS

Great. Now...this thing won't do.

Let's see.

You like dressing up, don't you?

HE CHIRRUPS IN AGREEMENT

Hello!

-Is that a beanbag?

-Yep.

-I like to sit on it when I watch TV.

-NORMAN CLUCKS

Hope that's OK.

Sure. Um...

Is that a parsnip sticking out of it?

NORMAN SQUAWKS

Yes, Steven. It's actually stuffed with old parsnips.

Old parsnips, because we can't eat them.

So that's why we stuff them in our beanbags.

-So, shall we watch this film?

-Absolutely.

-Um... Shall I sit next to you?

-NORMAN SQUAWKS

-NO!

-Agh!

-I mean...

Normally, yes.

But I'm afraid...some ham has gotten into the beanbag.

Oh! OK.

SHE LAUGHS NORMAN CHUCKLES

OPENING TITLES MUSIC SHE LAUGHS OVER NORMAN'S CHIRRUPING

CHICKEN SQUEAKS

Where is it?!

Right.

"Chapter One"!

Wow, this is complicated stuff!

Hmm. What about this one - a trick where you cut a rope?

Then... What does it say?

Again. OK.

Snippety-snippety- snippety-snippety-snip! OK!

And then...flabracadoodle!

-You magically join it back together.

-Wow!

You've turned a piece of rope into a piece of rope!

Ah.

We just need to do that trick, but backwards,

and with a chain.

"But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?"

"It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."

"Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

who is already sick and pale with grief,

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she."

"Be not her maid, since she is envious."

-Aaagh!

-Agh!

-Are you OK?

-Oh! I'm sorry!

There was just a scary bit in the film.

Juliet's just standing on the balcony. She's not doing anything.

Are you sure? I thought she was going to fall.

-Romeo would've been...

-SHE MAKES SQUELCHING SOUND

..crushed.

HE YAWNS

SHE YAWNS NOISILY

Oh, Shakespeare! Dullsville!

Really? I think it's wonderful. I thought you liked it too.

Dullsville if you were the sort of idiot

that thinks Shakespeare's dull.

Which I don't. It's brilliant.

Angela, perhaps...

Perhaps now's a good time for me to ask you if, er...

Yes?

Argh!

What were you going to say?

Hm? Oh!

Er... Nothing.

Nothing.

Where's... Where's Angela? I've got a hacksaw.

Tried that. She's not happy. What did she say again?

Well, I can't remember the exact wording,

but I think it was something along the lines of... "Aaaargh!"

You're right. I can't show up Angela. I've got to play this cool.

"And I am proof against their enmity."

INSECT BUZZING NORMAN GRUNTS

DIVE-BOMB SOUND EFFECT

HE WHIMPERS

HE GIBBERS

-What was that?

-Pardon?

I didn't hear anything. Everything's perfectly Norman.

Oh! Er...

Um, you know what? Maybe it's a better view from over here.

No! Turns out...

that I can't remember where there's a good place to watch TV.

I don't think you'll get a better view from the hallway.

No. But, um, I just remembered, this is my dad's beanbag,

and he'll probably be wanting it back soon, so...

I'm going to...go.

Hey, guys! I know it's been a bit crazy today,

so why don't we just, er, take a rain check,

and we can chillax some other time, yeah?

Invite your friends round, have a party, take it easy...

I am totally cool with - WHERE IS ANGELA?!

-She just ran into the hallway with your beanbag.

-What?

Stay there. Don't move. Ever!

Swat the bee! Look out!

Yes! Oh, so close!

Let's talk about it, yeah?

-Norman, I order you to stop! Whoa!

-Dad!

They've got the magic book! They've got the magic book!

HE GASPS

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Where is it?

-I don't know what you mean!

Haggis?

NORMAN CHIRRUPS FRANTICALLY

Angela, is everything all right?

-Your dad seemed pretty annoyed you borrowed his beanbag.

-Oh!

Everything is fine, Steven. I'm just going to put this upstairs.

-I can't help feeling you're hinting I should leave.

-No! I'm sorry!

Don't apologise. It's my fault.

I think I got the wrong end of the stick. I should go.

-I'll go. I'll go.

-Oh, no! Please stay, Steven!

I really, really like...

Whoa!

-Where is the magic book?

-A magician never reveals his secrets.

-Fiend!

-I have this situation completely in hand, you know.

Argh! Haggis ate it!

Haggis! Is this true?

I don't know. Probably.

HAGGIS GRUNTS

Argh!

-SQUELCHING

-That's it. Delve in deep.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Agh! Bee!

DIVE-BOMB SOUND EFFECT

Norman!

NORMAN CHIRRUPS

NORMAN SHRIEKS

HE GIBBERS TRIUMPHANTLY

No! The book!

Not that I ever needed it, of course.

-Haggis! You said you'd eaten it!

-Urgh!

I eat a lot of things! I can't be expected to keep track!

-STEVEN SHOUTING

-Angela!

-What is going on, Mr Carlson? Is Angela all right?

-Yeah.

And what is that slime on your arm?

Um, it's Spanish. It's tapas. Delicacy.

Er, listen, Steven...

Maybe it's better if you don't see Angela for a while.

It's completely inappropriate.

You just said you were totally cool with whatever we wanted to do.

-I change my mind a lot.

-Clearly.

-Great! Well, good night, then!

But my parents will be here in a few minutes,

-and we haven't finished watching Romeo And Juliet.

-Um...

Why don't you just go in the living room and watch it on fast-forward?

It's pretty boring anyway. They all die in the end.

Now a quick flabracadoodle...

Fiend, what are you doing?

I, the stupendous Fienduccio,

am about to accomplish the greatest escape trick ever attempted.

You can't do it. You've got the brain of a radish. Here!

Oh, I see what you're doing!

Trying to muscle in on the job of magician's assistant!

-Well, that is my job!

-OK. All right.

-Just leave this to the professional.

-Get off me, you amateur!

-Agh!

Get off me, you charlatan!

-There!

-Done it!

-Whoo!

Well, that's...

Oh. Er...

Yeah. This might be a problem.

-KNOCKING AT DOOR

-Angela? Are you OK?

Steven, if you come into the same room as my daughter,

I shall have to insist that you marry her.

I'll stay in here, then.

CAR HORN BEEPING

Oh, no! That's Steven's parents!

-WOMAN SHOUTING

-Hello?

We can't let them see us like this. Quick, everyone - hide!

THEY ALL SHOUT

Oh, guys...

What on earth is going on in here?

HAGGIS BREAKS WIND THUNDEROUSLY

Oh!

-Haggis!

-I'm sorry.

I must've got over-excited.

Hey! The multi-chain escape trick!

Good work, Dad. That's a really difficult one.

It's actually so difficult that we can't get out of it.

Get us undone. Steven's parents will be here any moment.

-Where is Angela's date?

-It wasn't a date!

Steven is in the lounge, terrified I'm going to make him marry Angela.

That's enough to scare anyone.

-Eddie, can you undo them?

-Sure!

-You just need the keys.

-What keys?

There are keys?!

HE BURPS AND GRUNTS

These keys?

HE CHUCKLES

What? I read in a magazine

that I'm meant to have plenty of iron in my diet.

-Why didn't I find that in your belly before?

-I don't know!

Magic?

Well, I hope you had a nice time.

I'm sorry about my dad being all weird and cool and overprotective

-all at the same time.

-That's all right. I'm just...

-I'm glad we can still be friends.

-Friends?

Yeah, if that's what you want.

We should do this again sometime - properly.

-What - you mean like a date?

-I guess you could call it that.

See you at school.

So, how did the seminar go?

Wasn't a seminar.

It was a date, and it went really badly.

Well, you don't seem that bothered by it.

-Did your dad behave himself?

-I was pretty cool.

Cool as a cucumber!

-She hates cucumber, doesn't she?

-Yeah.

That was some good magicking, Eddie, with the keys and everything.

Obviously I did all the hard bit,

the setup, but... you know, you weren't bad.

Oh, well, I've just done a magic show -

-which went pretty well, thanks for asking.

-Don't mention it.

-Got any more tricks, Eddie?

-Sure.

How about this one?

'Impressing people seems important, but sometimes the best people

'you don't have to try that hard to impress.'

Yeah. No...

It wasn't quite as good as my fizzy-drink-to-burp trick.

Yeah! Nothing even came out of my ear!

NORMAN CHATTERS

You guys are so annoying! I might as well just do this.

'And sometimes the simplest things can be the most impressive of all.'

MONSTERS SCREECH IN HORROR

MONSTERS SHRIEK

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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