Shiny Stuff Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

SMASH!

'Do you ever get that feeling that wherever you are

'and whatever you're doing, somebody somewhere

'is having more fun than you? I know I do,

'but then I've got three monsters living in my basement

'and they've turned having fun into a full-time job.'

FIEND SIGHS

-Oh.

-Oh. Don't swallow.

-Ha-ha.

-Do NOT swallow!

But bogeys are so tasty.

I don't care!

-Do not...

-GULP!

-Oh...

-Norman did that.

Haggis... We're going to need that ball back, buddy.

And we both know there's only one way to get it.

HAGGIS SNIGGERS

-Hmmf, hmmf, hmmf!

-I got it!

Aaaargh!

Ha, ha-ha!

Best...tournament...ever!

What's that?

Oh...

Looks like the upstairs human-thingy people have been storing stuff here.

Is it mine?

Well, it says "do not touch" on it,

so I'm...pretty sure we shouldn't touch it.

Which is fine with me! I mean, I...

I'm fine with that. Th... Tha... That's fine.

Well, it's not a...problem with me. No, not a...problem.

At all!

Yes. Well...

-Ha! Ha-ha!

-Ha-ha, ha! Ha!

-Junk.

-It's all rubbish, isn't it?

-It's terrible... Oh!

Oh...

Look at this shiny stuff.

-TOGETHER:

-Shiny stuff.

Shiny stuff. Shiny stuff.

-CHANTING:

-Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

THUMPING IN TIME WITH CHANTING

CHANTING GROWS FASTER AND LOUDER

Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

-Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

-Shut up!

Oh! No. No, not you.

Um... You know, just...

So, um...

How's, um... How's work?

-You mean school?

-Yup!

-Hmm.

-Well, it was careers day yesterday

and you said you'd come in and give a talk about working in advertising...

-and you didn't turn up.

-Oh, that's great. That's great!

You're not listening, are you?

Ah! Hey, magic!

-I've decided to join the Army.

-Mmm.

-Mm.

-I'm getting a tattoo. Is that cool?

Yup.

Mmm.

Can I borrow the car?

Yeah, sure.

EDDIE SIGHS

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Hi, guys!

-Huh!

-What are you doing?

Nothing! Why, what have you heard?

Did you do that?

No... I... I don't know!

Who can say?

Um... That was years ago!

What have you got there?

-Urh-orh.

-Noth...

-Nothing!

-NORMAN GIBBERS AND SQUEAKS

-Don't mention the shiny stuff!

What shiny stuff?

Norman!

NORMAN GIBBERS

OK, so we found some shiny stuff from an un-named source,

but it's ours!

What's so great about that stuff? It's just junk.

But it's so shiny.

And shiny. And then, there's a shine

and there's a... Look how shiny it is!

Hmm. Paints quite a picture, doesn't he?

But look at the mess!

If I were you, I'd put this stuff back before Mum and Dad find out.

Put it... Are you crazy?!

-We can't live without shiny stuff!

-OK.

I'll tell you what,

if you clear up all this shiny stuff,

I'll give you something even shinier.

Wow!

What's that?

It's money!

Yes! I LOVE money!

What's money?

That's money, bogey breath! He just said.

The important question is,

how do we get more of it?

Eddie, where does shiny stuff come from?

-Mum's purse.

-OK.

And who puts it into her purse?

-Well, she does, but...

-What?!

You're trying to tell me that she puts shiny stuff into her own purse

only to take it out again?!

Well, that doesn't make any sense. Hmm.

So, where does human Mum-thingy person get this shiny stuff from

that she puts into her purse only to take back out of her purse?

-Honk!

-Too late!

Come on, fellas!

If we want more of this shiny stuff, we have to go to the top.

# Mm, mm-mm, mm-mm

# Mmm, mmm, mm-mmm

# Mm, mm-mm, mmm... #

Urh, ahhh..

-Human Mum-thingy person...

-No.

-Of course, it's so obvious now.

Thanks for all your help.

NORMAN GIBBERS

Wait a second...

Urnh! You didn't answer my question at all!

I don't have time for monster stuff today, I'm very busy.

If I get this apricot souffle just right,

it could be the start of a big catering contract.

So I don't want anything to happen to it,

and by "anything", I mean...you!

Understood. Just answer us one quick question

-and we'll be out of your way.

-OK.

What is shiny stuff, who invented it and how do we get more of it?

Shiny stuff?

Like in your purse.

Mama-zah! Ha-ha!

Oh! Um, that's a very complicated question to answer.

It's OK, we can handle it.

We're not IDIOTS.

-Well, just on that...

-Um, I have to stop you there,

I've got my hand stuck in a whisk.

Huh!

You know who knows all about shiny stuff?

Is it me?

No.

It's Dad!

So close!

Oh, human Dad-thingy person knows all about shiny stuff,

you reckon.

Well, maybe we'll just go pay him a little...

Wait a second...

Urnh! I see what's happening here.

You're just trying to get rid of us!

Well, we're not as stupid as we look!

You can't just fob us off with some silly little distraction.

Look! Shiny stuff!

Ah!

Where did it go?

Erh? NORMAN BURPS LOUDLY

Out!

Ha, ha-ha! Heh-heh, heh-heh!

-Ha-ha, ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

No, it's mine! Mine!

Any joy?

Oh. Well, according to Mum-thingy,

-Dad-thingy is the expert at shiny stuff.

-Yeah.

Well, good luck getting any sense out of him.

He's busy working on some big advertising deal.

Oh...don't you worry, Eddie, my boy,

he's always got time for the Fiend-meister general. Ha-ha!

Dad-a-tron!

-How's life in the fast lane?

-Out!

Good talking to you! See you down the club some time!

Send my love to the wife!

FIEND SIGHS

Told you he was working.

FIEND SIGHS

What's the deal with this "work" thing?

Mum's at it, Dad's at it.

I mean, what's the point?

-Well, that's how they earn their money.

-Huh!

So that's how they get the shiny stuff!

Interesting.

Very interesting.

Hmmm....

NORMAN GIBBERS

I'm telling you, we start our own business!

It looks easy!

-We could make loads of shiny stuff and we'd get to keep it all!

-Yeah!

That's a great idea!

We could be called Basement Monsters Limited.

-That works! I'm very limited.

-OK!

Basement Monsters Limited, it is!

-Brilliant! OK! I'll be the boss.

-Mmm,

we should probably take a vote.

Hands up who thinks I should be in charge

and also likes chocolate milkshakes?

Hmm, sorry, buddy.

It was a close-run thing.

You can be in charge of staplers.

I voted for you.

Um, I suppose we should decide what the company actually does now.

We could invent cheese.

Um...

NORMAN GIBBERS

They did?

No-one told me!

It doesn't matter what we do.

I was watching Dad-thingy up there and from what I could see,

all you have to do to make money

is sound important and talk a load of rubbish!

And no-one talks rubbish like we do!

-This way!

-I'm coming, Eddie!

-Yes!

-Shiny stuff awaits!

No more monsters.

-Mum...

-Spoke too soon.

-I think Fiend's been using my headphones,

so can I have some money for a new pair?

I'll tell you what - you help me make these souffles

and I'll give you money for headphones.

Deal.

Plus, we get to spend some time together.

Yeah! In that case I want double.

How about you start with something nice and simple -

spoon duties!

Oh! Just when I though my life couldn't get more exciting.

Don't stir it.

Fold it.

It's a liquid, Mother, you can't fold it.

It's like telling me to stir a shirt.

How about you chop the apricots?

A little smaller.

Smaller.

Bit bigger.

Mum!

What are you wearing?!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-What? I am a businesswoman. Hee-hee!

Er, why aren't you a business-MAN?

Sexist!

Oh...

Urgh! Ah!

Fantastic!

Now let's make some shiny stuff!

-Miss Haggis?

-Mmm?

-Do I have any calls?

-No.

-Do I have any phones?

-No.

Well, that explains it.

We need more stuff!

-KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK!

-Come in!

FIEND CLEARS HIS THROAT

Ah! Edward! We've got a problem -

I've got no calls to take and even less phones to take them on.

OK. I'll go and see if we can borrow some equipment from Dad.

Great idea! Why didn't you think of that?

In the meantime, I've got all THIS to deal with.

Hmm, but it can probably wait until after lunch.

-Miss Haggis?

-Yes?

Go get us some lunch.

I'm on my break!

Nails don't do themselves you know!

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Wah!

What are you doing?

Centimetre squares, I believe you said.

Oh, don't be silly, you're supposed to be helping.

I am helping!

I don't call THAT helping.

I don't call THAT food.

What did you just say?!

Ah! Um, I'll take two Greek salads, easy on the dressing,

um, a slice of the meatloaf and I'll have...

pastrami on rye.

And no garlic! I've got a million-dollar meeting at three

and I want to be selling, not smelling. Ha!

Ba-da-boom, da-da bing!

Er...

you want to speed this up a little? I haven't got all day.

How would you like to be mixed into a souffle?

-I think you mean folded...

-I know it's folded.

Wow! I like you, kid!

You've got a lot of spirit!

We could use a feisty-thingy like you down at Monster Towers.

OK, out you go.

OK, OK.

But here's my card.

Give me a call if you want to start making some serious bucks.

And thanks for the milkshake.

What milkshake?

Fiend!

Hey, guys! Look at all this stuff I got from Dad's study.

He was so busy, he didn't even notice.

Excellent! Now let's get down to business!

PHONES RING, TILLS DING

-Edward! We need more phones!

-OK.

# In a sharp new suit and smart white collars

# I'll look like a million dollars

# And it won't be long till that is what I'm worth

# Cos I'm a slippery slick young businessman

# Gonna get rich quick with my foolproof plan

# That's why my business is the best on Earth

-# Yes, that's success you smell

-It's monster business

# Gonna have a good time while the wallets swell

# It's monster business

# Look at me, Ma, ain't I doing well?

# It's monster business

-# I don't know what we even sell Who cares?

-It's monster business... #

# We get more quarters in each day By phone and fax they want to pay

# Now we're expanding at a rate of knots

# Of course that means we'll need more staff

# So join us It will be a laugh

# Start off by making tea Soon you'll be making pots

-# Oh, watch us as our profit soars

-It's monster business

-# We turn one dollar into four

-That's monster business

# I've made a lot of money but I still want more

# It's monster business

# If you wanna invest but you're still not sure

# Trust me It's monster business... #

Yes. It's a very impressive pitch, Mr Friend.

It's FIEND.

Oh! Excuse me, I've got another call coming in.

'Let me hand you over to my senior account executive.'

NORMAN GIBBERS

As I was saying to Mr Friend, it's a very impressive pitch,

but I'm not just going to hand over a big-money contract

to an unknown company

'on the strength of some fast talking and fancy words.'

Mm-hmm.

Well, I suppose I could give you a few hundred to work up some ideas.

Oh, uh-drah.

Well, we could possibly make it £2,000, but not a penny more.

Urgh. Urh?

OK...

10,000. But that's my final offer.

Doo-bah-doo.

Ah, Eddie!

Go and get me a chocolate milkshake, would you, chap?

And make it a double!

Looks like this is going to be an all-nighter.

Chocolate milkshakes.

300.

NORMAN IS SILENT

All right! £350,000, are you happy now?

'Ha-ha, ha-ha!'

HE SIGHS

Well, those guys are good.

Edwards, I think we've found our agency.

OK, guys, we've got a packed afternoon -

wheely-chair race at three,

um, desk-lamp cricket at four

and a dozen budget reports to make into...

paper aeroplanes by 5:30.

-For the chair race, we could use this oil to grease the wheels.

-Uh-huh.

-That's the ticket.

-And I brought you...

-Yes. Mm-hm.

-OK, yes, yes.

Put him on and I'll talk to him. Not now, love.

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he? Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-I know.

-Thank you.

-But that's for...

-Sorry, darling, we're very busy.

-If you could just...

-Hello, Basement Monsters Ltd. Yes.

No, you'll have to better than that, my friend.

Shiny stuff's got to move. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Yes. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Shut the door.

There's a draught down here and I'm not wearing tights.

Where's my oil? How can I cook without my oil?

No, no, no, I really don't think you should be using this other company.

Yeah, well, I've never heard of them.

DOORBELL RINGS

Somebody get that?

Oh, I'll get it, shall I? It's not like I'm doing anything else(!)

It's not like I'm cooking a hugely complicated dish for the 800th time.

-Mr Friend?

-Who?

-Mr Friend?

-Oh, it's OK, I'll deal with this.

-What?

-It's fine. It's for me.

-No, actually, it's not fine,

because there's a security guard on my doorstep with a briefcase

in his hand, so what kind of mother would I be if I turned around...

BEEPING

Souffle!

Thank you.

Wait, wait, you're making a huge mistake. You...

-PHONE BEEPS

-Hello?

-BEEPING CONTINUES

-Hello?

HE SIGHS

-What's the matter with you?

-Just...business.

Have you ever started doing something cos you thought it would be fun

-and then it turns out that it's not fun at all?

-Yeah.

-Sounds like a career in advertising.

-Yeah, I know you've been busy.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's silly spending your whole time chasing the big bucks

and then - boom - it all disappears in a heartbeat.

They give the money to some fast-talking airheads

-who don't know what they're doing.

-What airheads are these?

Just some flash new company promising MONSTER profits.

Wait there.

THEY ALL CHEER

-Working hard(!)

-Not any more.

We have just signed our first big deal.

And you know what that means?

ALL: Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

Shiny stuff! Shiny stuff!

That's not shiny. That's not shiny at all.

-These are just tiny tissues with faces on.

-We've been had!

-And after all our hard work!

-Hard work doing what exactly?

You know, all the talking and phoning and typing.

Ring! Boing! Eeek!

That goes without saying and this is how they repay us,

with these...snot-rags?

These snot-rags are worth far more that that shiny stuff.

-Guys, there's hundreds here, right? Hundreds and thousands.

-Exactly.

-And what do they get in return?

-Well, er...

-Um...

-They, er... We could give them Haggis.

-Yay!

Which one's Haggis?

Face it, guys, you have no idea what your company actually does.

Someone's paid you all this money and they won't get anything back

and they won't like that - you guys are in big trouble.

-Like when we're in trouble with Mum?

-Even worse.

THEY WHIMPER

Yeah, he's right, guys. You are in big trouble...

like huge.

I resign.

I might try getting back into the souffle-making business.

Well, luckily, I had a plan for just such an eventuality.

THEY ALL SCREAM

-What are we going to do, Eddie? What are we going to do?

-Easy.

Just phone them back and tell them the truth.

-What?! They'll think we're crazy.

-Exactly.

ANGRY SHOUTING ON PHONE

Wow! That man knows a lot of bad words.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Hello.

-Carlson, this is Frank Thornly from Corporacom.

Listen, I've made a bit of a mistake.

It turns out that new agency we've hired are complete weirdos.

They've been on the phones spouting some nonsense

about how they're three monsters living in a basement.

'Total crazies. Anyway, the deal's still on the table if you want it,'

but we need to move quickly.

'Name your price, money's no object.'

Could you hold for one second?

-Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

-HE LAUGHS

Thank you.

So, um... Yeah, let's talk numbers.

SCREAMING

SMASH!

After you.

-RADIO:

-'Midwitch Massacre was written by...'

-What happened to the...

-Oh! THEM. It was far too stressful,

so I pulled out of the running for the catering job.

-But won't you lose their business?

-Maybe, but hey, it's only money.

Yeah, yeah. I can hold.

Oh, are you STILL on that phone?

There's more to life than work, work, work, you know.

Hi, I'd like a table for four, please.

Ah. Eight o'clock?

Yeah. It's for the Carlson family. Yeah.

We're celebrating.

Thanks, bye.

'I'll never fully understand my monsters,

'but at least they've realised

'that sometimes, having a bit of fun is more important

'than making a lot of money.

'And we're all glad to see them back to their old selves.'

I said, "for four".

'Well, most of us are.'

One, two, six, two, three, seven, four!

OK. Maybe we'll just order some pizza.

-Woo-hoo!

-My shout!

Ah!

# Don't be sad and lonely If you need someone to hold your hand

# My and my monsters can. #

E-mail [email protected]