Teenage Dream Boy Me and My Monsters

# You're my might when I'm not feeling strong

# You put me right when I am going wrong

# You're my hands when my arms are tied

# You colour me in when I'm black and white

# You pick me up when I fall down

# You take my frown and you turn it around

# I couldn't wish for better friends to share my life with

# Don't be sad or lonely

# If you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can

# Me and my monsters can. #

Nick, this evening, I want you to be sophisticated, charming and witty.

All three?!

I know, it's a bit of a stretch but it would be nice

if we welcomed our new neighbours with some semblance of normality.

Yup, normality. Check.

Oh, I can't do it!

To play this game, you need a grown-up beak like mine.

Look and weep!

Yes, because I want a nose like that on my face(!)

Oh, and their son, Oliver, is coming too.

-Why?

-Because he's joining your school.

I thought it would be nice for you two to meet.

Ugh. What's he like?

Bit shy, I think.

Needs bringing out of his shell.

Well, that's great(!) I get to time with a prawn. Fantastic(!)

LAUGHTER

Eddie Carlson, did you dip your finger into that chocolate mousse?

-It was an accident.

-When did you last wash your hands?

-Three days ago.

-It's a personal best.

-Hup! Do you have a rope?

-No.

-A straitjacket?

-No.

-Do you have a large trunk with a great, big padlock on it?

-No!

-Why do you want these things?

-No reason. Thank you. Hup!

HAGGIS SCREAMS

'Living with monsters, you never know what each new day will bring.

'Thankfully, I love surprises, but not everyone feels that way.'

It's...not too late to cancel.

KNOCK AT DOOR

OK, it is now.

LAUGHTER

Eddie, I don't want to know what Fiend, Haggis and Norman are up to.

They're your monsters... deal with them.

Yeah, there can be no slip-ups tonight, son.

-Yup. It's your responsibility.

-I live with constant pressure.

Don't worry, good buddy. I'm sure you'll live.

If not, I promise we'll get you stuffed!

NORMAN WHIMPERS

Er, why is Norm tied to a chair?

Well, firstly, let me just say

that there is practically nothing to worry about!

-Practically nothing!

-Mm. There's just a teeny-weeny chance

that Norman will turn into something...

-different.

-Something different!

Well, like what?

That's the best bit - we don't know!

Last time, it was a kangaroo!

A kangaroo?!

He was fine...

until he found the pogo stick. LAUGHTER

NORM GRUNTS WITH EFFORT

-Well, can't you stop it?

-No.

Every 100 years, when the planets are in perfect alignment...

Norman is reborn!

Rowr! Waaa!

OK. Well, when will it happen?

We don't know exactly. But soon.

Mm. Sooooon.

Well, this isn't great timing. My parents have got dinner guests!

Invite them to the show!

Hahahaha!

Hahaha!

Oliver's not with us, I'm afraid. He's running late.

Oh, shame. Angela was so looking forward to meeting him.

Oh, I was so looking forward to meeting him(!)

-Oh, he'll be along in a while.

-Oh, great(!)

LAUGHTER

Oh, do you have pets?

Errr... No.

Er, yes. Kind of.

Come on through! Let's get you a drink.

-Popcorn?

-Thanks.

NORM WHIMPERS

-I think the show's about to begin!

-Wahaha!

-Good luck, Norm!

-Dadadada...

-He's going to blow!

-Argh! Argh! Argh!

NORM BOILS

Oh! Oh! Ohhh...

Oh, false alarm.

Ohh... Oh! Ohhhh!

-Take cover!

-Argh!

Argh! Babababa. Baba. Babaii...

Ugh. Oh.

It was another false alarm.

Try harder, Norm!

Yeah, come on, cut to the chase! We haven't got all day!

DadadadadaDAAAAAAAA. DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!

Hup!

Huh?

Waa waa WAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Yiiiiiiiii! Eeeee eee!

KABOOM!

LAUGHTER

THEY ALL COUGH

Haaaa!

Oh. Oh.

Norman? Are you OK?

-Did you hear that?

-That was quite a bang!

It's, er, it's the hot water system. Does that from time to time.

This creaky old place is always making noises.

They should have sold the house with earplugs!

FIEND COUGHS

Is that really you, Norm?

LAUGHTER

We wait 100 years and that's the best he can do?!

Even when he was an ant, it was better than this!

Yeah, we're a little disappointed, here, Norm.

It's a major anticlimax!

I think he's cool.

What is he?

Well...I think he's a teenage human thingy person.

He's so ugly!

Yeah, it's the blond hair and the blue eyes. It's a hideous combo!

Oh, I can hardly bear to look at him!

LAUGHTER

I love how you've decorated the kitchen.

-Can we look round the rest of the place?

-No need!

We've got lots of photos somewhere.

I'd rather see it in person.

Of course, just give me a moment to...

tidy everyone, er...everything away!

She's very house-proud.

LAUGHTER

Look at his skinny little neck!

Ugh! It's a miracle his head hasn't fallen off yet! Hahaha!

I'll say! Argh! And there's a hole in his middle!

THE MONSTERS LAUGH

How long do we have before Norman turns back into his normal self?

One hour exactly.

OK, so all we have to do is keep him down here for that time

and no-one will be any the wiser.

Norm says he's got a lot of living to cram into the next 60 minutes!

LAUGHTER

He wants to join a rock and roll band!

LAUGHTER

WOLF WHISTLES

Ha! And find a girlfriend! Hahahaha!

And eat!

No! You can't do any of those things, you have to stay down here!

Norm says, "Catch you later, dudes!"

Quick, grab him!

Hm? Ooh!

-Norman, get back here!

-Ah, look at him go!

The ugly one is fast!

Peeow!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Psst! Norman!

Where are you?

-BOTH SHOUT:

-Here, Normie, Normie, Normie!

-No, ssh! Ssh!

-WHISPER:

-Norman!

-Norman!

WHISPERS: Here, Norman, Norman, Norman!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

If Norman's wandered into the party, we'll have some explaining to do!

Want me to have a word with the dinner party thingy people?

No! I'll go and look for him.

You two? Go back to the basement.

-Who's "Youtwo"?

-I've no idea.

-Weird name.

-I'll say!

Well, Eddie sounded pretty serious. "Youtwo" had better do as he's told!

Yeaaah! Or else!

Ooh hoo hoo! Woo!

Come on, Norman. Stop fooling around. Where are you?!

You've done a fabulous job with the place.

It's an ongoing project.

-There are still some things we'd like to change.

-Three in particular!

-WHISPERS:

-Why are you hiding?

-I'm not!

-Is everything OK?

-Fine!

-Any cause for concern?

-None at all!

OK. Phew.

Hey, Eddie! I've checked the cupboard and it's all clear!

LAUGHTER

Oh, you must be Oliver.

Hi! I didn't realise you'd arrived!

I'm Angela! I live here.

I mean, not in this room, I meant in this house, obviously. It's stupid.

Oh!

OK! Kind of a familiar greeting. Not entirely unpleasant!

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's my family.

That's me, there. That's my mum. I mean, I'm the girl, obviously.

It's stupid, like...

Get a grip, crazy woman!

LAUGHTER

I've been meaning to have you over for weeks!

LAUGHTER

Is everything OK?

Totally!

Hi! I'm Eddie!

-FIEND:

-It's rude to slam a door in someone's face, you know!

You could have hurt my feelings! Thankfully, I don't have many.

Is there someone in the cupboard?

-No!

-I heard a voice.

-Dad's a ventriloquist.

-You are?

Yeah, it's, er...

It's one of my, um...

hobbies.

-FIEND:

-It's tough being me.

I'm always there to help, but I never get any praise.

Fortunately, I've got high self-esteem.

I adore myself enough for two!

"I love you, man."

"I love you more!"

Well, let's go out and see the garden, shall we?

We've got weeds out there, six feet high!

Please don't hurt me!

Aaaarrgh! Agh! Agh!

Waaa! Ooof!

Ah!

HE PANTS

I told you two to stay in the basement!

-We know. But who is "Youtwo?"

-You never introduced us or anything.

-Oliver's here.

-He is?

-Oh, yeah.

I've drawn the short straw again, but don't worry,

I'll keep him company. It's not that I want to or anything.

It's only neighbourly, know what I mean?

It's a huge bore, but I'll do it. Oh, the things I do for this family.

-Did you see Oliver arrive?

-Who's Oliver?

Is he a friend of Youtwo's?

Never mind.

Oh, no. We've got big trouble.

Do you want to listen to some music?

Well, good luck finding something, that's my dad's lame collection.

I've wanted to do that for years!

It's wrong,

yet it feels so right.

You don't say much, do you?

Which is fine with me cos you're a great listener.

Hi, Oliver! I didn't see you arrive.

-Yeah, he does that.

-Great!

I think. Are you OK?

We're fine, Mum, thank you.

Bye.

Get out!

ELECTRIC GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

You're very strange, but mostly in a good way. I see you play air guitar.

-One of us has to go and get Norman.

-All right, off you go, then.

-Yeah, see you later, Eddie.

-He's your monster, I vote you go.

Well, she's YOUR monster, we vote YOU go.

Why do I have to do everything around here?

You don't have to do everything around here.

We get us into trouble, all you have to do is get us out of it.

Yeah, Eddie. We're a team.

Angela, I'm just going to come straight out and say it.

-This boy isn't Oliver, it's Norman.

-When did you dream this one up?

It's true, I swear.

Every 100 years, when the planets are in perfect alignment,

Norman is reborn.

Sorry, Oliver, this is my very annoying

and imaginative little brother, Eddie.

He already knows that, don't you, Norman?

-Can you stop calling him Norman?

-You are in so much trouble.

Come back to the basement! Norman, come with me this instant.

OK, you've had your fun, now can you please stop annoying us?

-Go play with your other friends.

-But he IS one of my other friends.

-Oliver's here.

-Oh, really? Well, he should have come in and said hello.

He's fine, he's with Angela. They seem to be getting along quite well.

-Great.

-Well, let's eat!

I hope you brought your appetites, because Kate is an amazing cook.

-Stop it, I'm blushing!

-She's too modest to tell you,

but she has won countless awards for this. It's her signature dish.

It's not often we have a professional chef

cook for us in her own home.

-It's quite a treat. I feel very spoiled.

-Bring it on!

There's no dinner because... I forgot to cook it.

I thought I had, but I hadn't.

-Oh, well! There it is. Let's move straight to pudding!

-Oh!

Kate's puddings are amazing. We do have pudding?

Oh, yeah.

All righty, let's catch ourselves a Norman.

-All we need is the right bait.

-One fresh bogey!

Ah, we'll have him hooked in no time!

THEY SIGH

-It's a lovely day for fishing.

-Yes, isn't it?

That's right, Norman, take a nibble. You know you want to!

-Oh! I think we've caught something!

-Reel him in!

Oh, it's a big'un, all right!

-Ah. Wrong fish.

-What are you revolting lot up to?

Fishing.

Yes, but lucky for you, we're going to throw you back.

It's the other one we want.

-You've got the wrong pond!

-Aaah! Wait!

Let go of me, crazy eyeball-grabber!

Angela, you shouldn't get too attached to that boy in there.

-Trust me, he's not your type.

-Well, I've got news for you.

Blond-haired, blue-eyed,

drop-dead gorgeous teenage dream boys are my type.

-Unhand me!

-You're making a big mistake. I'm talking huge.

-This is nuclear.

-Well, so what if I am?

-I'm young, I'll get over it.

-Angela loves Nor...AAH!

-His name is Oliver!

Help! I've got a situation here! Somebody call the eyeball police!

The eyeball police!

-Phew! Everyone's afraid of the eyeball police!

-Just leave us alone.

Eddie! Be a good chap and fix my eyeballs, would you?

Aaah! Oh, that's the ticket.

-Why are you screaming?!

-Angela was squeezing my eyeballs!

-Did you eat my dinner party food?

-No.

-Well, someone did. I spent hours preparing it.

-Where's Norman?

-He's not with us.

-Yeah, he's not feeling himself at the moment.

-HAGGIS ROARS WITH LAUGHTER

-At least Norman's behaving himself.

As for you three, I don't want to see or hear you again tonight,

got it?

-Eddie, go to your room.

-Sorry, Mum. Sorry, Dad.

-Fiend and Haggis, basement!

-Sorry, Human Mum Thingy.

Sorry, Human Dad Thingy. HAGGIS MUMBLES AN APOLOGY

NICK LAUGHS

Apologies, the kids are misbehaving.

They called you Human Mum Thingy and Human Dad Thingy.

Er, you heard that, huh?

-How many children do you have?

-Two.

-Five.

-Five.

-Two.

-We're going to count them later.

-How many do you have?

-Just the one.

-Ah, easy to remember.

-Can I use the bathroom?

-Can it wait?

-It's really rather urgent.

-What if you cross your legs?

-Nick! Of course you can use the bathroom.

-He's not easy to live with.

-I'd noticed.

-It's Norman!

-Ooh, we've got him this time!

-Another helping?

-Oh, no, four is my limit.

-Is there any supper we can grab?

-There's pudding.

-Oh, even better.

Er...

OK. Er... Hey, you leave me some, greedy guts!

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

-I won't be a minute!

-Oh, Norman can speak!

-Sounds like a big girl!

Maybe he's been reborn again. Norman is now Norma!

FIEND LAUGHS

-What are you doing?

-Oh, Norman's in the bathroom.

-OK, this is our chance.

When he comes out, throw this over his head,

and then we'll bundle him back to the basement. Ready?

-Haha, we've got you now, skinny boy!

-Oh, get off me!

-Abort mission!

This is not Norman! I repeat, this is not Norman!

Aah!

What on earth are you doing?

Playing?

-We really must be going.

-So soon?

-I'm afraid so.

Won't you stay for coffee? Angela and Oliver are getting on so well.

That isn't Oliver.

Ah, disowning teenage children is an excellent idea.

-I have no idea who that girl is either.

-I'm serious.

That is NOT our son! We really have to go. Come on, James.

Well, your parents are off home.

I guess that means you have to go home, too.

I've had a really great evening.

It feels like I've known you forever.

You're so different to other guys. I really like you, you know.

Will I ever see you again?

Do you promise?

If that's not Oliver in there with Angela, who is it?

The whole evening was a complete disas...

-Aaaah!

-Aah!

It was just a kiss, OK? I mean, you and...

must have done it once.

Yeah, not...with...

ANGELA SCREAMS

NORMAN SCREAMS

You! Where's Oliver?

FIEND LAUGHS

-Angela just smooched Norman!

-They're married now!

Norman, you have crossed the line.House rule number one,

-you cannot make out with my daughter!

-Urgh!

I tried to warn you, you didn't listen.

I told you the boy you were hanging out with was Norman.

-The blond kid was you?

-NORMAN MUMBLES

If you'll excuse me, I just need to find about a bucketful of mouthwash.

Norman, you are in so much trouble!

Maybe don't be too hasty. Maybe we should thank him.

With any luck, Angela will be put off boys for years.

More air guitar, Norman?

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

'Fiend, Haggis and Norman are full of surprises.

'Admittedly, not all of them are good ones.

'But I reckon my family should be grateful.

'At least we always have plenty to talk about!'

-So Oliver was Norman?

-Right!

-Will this happen again?

-Not for 100 years.

-OK, that's doable.

-Hi, I'm Oliver.

-Yeah, right, whatever.

You must be Angela.

Was that just a lucky guess?

I'm sorry I'm late. Can I come in?

-I fell for it once, not falling for it again.

-Fall for what?

Just go away, Haggis!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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# Don't be sad or lonely if you need someone to hold your hand

# Me and my monsters can. #