Bermuda Calling Millie Inbetween

The thing about living in two places is,

you can only keep an eye on one parent at a time.

Who knows what the other one is getting up to?

Like last week, when we were coming home from Dad's.

It is freezing outside. Feel my hands.

-Ooh!

-Sorry, sorry!

Hey, something funny happened to me today, at the gym.

Oh? Someone get their headphones stuck in the spin bike again?

No, but that is hilarious. No, no.

One of my managers is leaving, to set up a Sundowners Club.

What's that? One of those old folk's homes?

No, it's like a holiday resort,

where they do fitness classes for the guests.

Yeah, they've asked me to apply - even gave me a brochure.

Oh? Where is it?

-It's in my pocket.

-No, I mean the resort.

Oh, yeah. See, that's the funny thing!

It's in Bermuda.

You're not laughing. I mean, obviously, I said "no".

Well, why "obviously"?

Because it's a year's contract -

I wouldn't want to be away from you for that long.

Or maybe we could come with you?

What? What about your job?

Well... I'm feeling under-appreciated anyway.

Maybe it's just what we need -

a fresh start, somewhere new -

somewhere hot!

SHARON SQUEALS

Hiya - we're back!

I'm freezing.

Stop that.

What's up with the two of you today?

SHARON SHIVERS

See what I mean?

So Mum and Mike went and had a proper grown-up think about it.

I could buy a tankini!

SHARON SQUEALS

What about the kids?

Oh, I suppose we'd better bring them.

No, I meant asking them.

I should talk to Tony first.

I'm so excited!

Try saying "Bermuda" without saying "ooooh"!

Bermooooda...

SHARON SQUEALS

And finally, they dropped the bombshell

on poor, unsuspecting us.

..and they speak English.

They even drive on the left.

It's just like over here, really.

If here was a tropical island paradise!

You said "Bermuda", right? Not like, "Burnley"?

Oh! Yow, check those shorts! Well funky.

-AS HUSKY NARRATOR:

-The Sundowner Club resort,

set in acres of its own luxurious grounds,

with its pool, gym and spa, restaurant,

dive centre and golf course,

all right on the beach.

I'm going to America!

Weren't you listening? It's British.

Shows how much you know.

She's right, actually.

Shows how much you know.

I can't believe this is happening.

Aw, do they have dolphins?

They have swimming with dolphins.

This kind of stuff just doesn't happen to us!

It doesn't happen to you. My dad's always been lucky.

How'd he end up with you, then?

Guys, guys, don't get too excited. I haven't even applied yet.

Oh! What if they give the job to someone else, then?

Yeah, like a celebrity?

I wanted to check with you guys first.

-So take your time to think about it...

-Yes.

Yes...yes.

This is like a no-brainer.

LAUREN SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

I'm so excited!

Beautiful, lovely place.

I'm so excited! Look at how many swimming pools there are!

You could just live in one!

Mum? What about Dad?

Oh, I talked to him already.

He thinks it's the chance of a lifetime.

OK, but can I talk to him myself?

I don't want to be a wet blanket.

I mean, it does sound amazing.

You're not. I'm not applying unless everyone is happy, all right?

But Craig and Lauren want us to say "yeah",

like, yesterday.

Oh, just leave Lauren to me.

Yeah, and leave Craig...

to your mum, as well.

Deal?

I said it could be the chance of a lifetime.

Too right! I mean, the Caribbean?

By the beach? And there is nothing better for kids than travelling.

Hmm.

Unless it's staying near their parents after they've split up.

Raar! Pchow!

Rebels are attacking - fire main lasers!

Agh! Direct hit!

Wait - they've launched an escape pod!

Brrcccww...

But... That's a salt shaker.

It's disguised to look like a salt shaker.

Brilliant! After them!

Look, now's the time to say if you don't want the girls to go.

Oh, no. It's a great opportunity.

I'd cut off my right leg for the chance to go surfing.

Look, it's only for a year and we can go and visit.

-We?

-Well, I might need to come with you, for...

-moral support.

-Hmm.

-Hi, Fran!

-Hi.

Hi, Dad, Amber.

Peeyow-peeyow-peeyow-peeyow...

Millie! What about that, then, huh?

Come on...

..get warm.

And we can use the pool when it's not busy.

And school closes early when the surf's just right!

I looked the resort up online. There's an all-you-can-eat buffet!

-That's for the guests, Dad.

-Oh, right.

But you can go in the sea any time you want.

I love the sea. Remember Spain?

Wasn't that when the jellyfish went...?

Yeah. Still not sure how it got in my trunks.

And there'll be sun, like,

24 hours a day, probably.

It'll be an adventure you'll never forget.

So you're all right about it?

Me? Sure.

Last time I checked, my name wasn't "Sir Spoilsport".

And if we went, you'd come and visit?

Just try and stop me!

Hey! Have you heard?

I still can't believe it!

Neither can I.

I can't believe I was so stupid.

I know, when they told us I was like...

Wait, what?

Moving to Bermuda. It's a terrible idea!

Why would people spend a fortune to go there on holiday

if it was a terrible idea?

"Go there on holiday". Not live there!

It's only for a year.

And what about us?

We're meant to be going to school together.

We can...video chat.

Yeah. I can tell you about dodging hockey balls in the rain

and you can tell me about your new friend, Flipper.

Look, I don't blame you. I'd be jealous if it was you.

Jealous? Huh.

Jelly? A bit? A wee bit?

No.

And what about your family?

Well, they're coming with me.

Not your dad! Not us.

Well, you're not my...

Sure. You're right.

I didn't mean it, I'm sorry.

No, I am.

I bet you'll have a great time.

Oh, hey, love! Did you have fun at your dad's?

-Yeah.

-And did you talk about...

-And?

-Well, he seems up for it.

So I guess I'm in.

CHEERING AND SQUEALS

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Yeah! We're going to Bermuda.

MIKE LAUGHS

I'm so made up!

You're always so made up.

Let's not get carried away,

I'm only applied for the job, I haven't got it...yet!

LAUGHTER

What's wrong with me? I'm just not feeling it.

Most people would kill to be in my size twos.

It's got an outdoor cinema!

How flash is that?

Imagine one here.

You know, travel is very mind-expanding.

I mean, I went all over the place when I was young.

Yeah, and look what happened to you.

You're doing the right thing.

-Right. It'll be good for them.

-Yeah.

Keep telling yourself that.

Would you excuse us, for a second?

What has gotten into you?

Don't you see? This is all wrong!

I see a man trying to let his kids have their freedom.

Then you seriously need glasses.

Fran, this is not our business

and I want you to promise you will not interfere.

Fran?

FRAN GROANS

-OK, I promise.

-Good.

Craig is a massive loser.

You're right, he can't hear.

"Going to Bermuda next year.

"Almost for def.

"This is not a wind-up. Exclamation mark, smiley face,

"smiley face with sunglasses and... stunned face."

Are you sure you should...

"Send".

LAUREN SQUEALS

I have dropped the bomb! My friends are going to be so jealous.

It'll be like social media meltdown.

This will be the biggest thing since Naimh got her nose pierced

and her mum went ballistic.

Or, Millie, it might even be bigger!

Won't you miss them?

-Who?

-Your friends.

-Of course I will.

And Dad?

-Don't do this.

-Do what?

Spoil everything by thinking.

This is a no-brainer, That means "no thinking".

I'll miss Dad - a lot.

He invented underwater golf.

Yeah - and moustache night.

Remember that picnic, when he made us peanut butter and jam hats?

Who knew wasps were so attracted to jam?

Uh-oh.

Backsliding.

And who was it that picked you up from the cinema

when Mum's car broke down?

Dad.

Hey, did I tell you? We snuck into a 15.

Lauren, you are 15.

Oh, yeah. That's not as much fun any more.

Hey, guys - can I ask you a quick question?

You don't think just because he's living on an island paradise,

Craig's going to neglect his schoolwork, do you?

MILLIE AND LAUREN GIGGLE

Well, I thought he might become more interested in, say...geography.

-MILLIE AND LAUREN LAUGH

-What?

Craig, be honest - if we go to Bermuda...

will you do your homework after you've been surfing

or before you've been surfing?

What would happen if Millie and Lauren

changed their mind about the whole thing?

Well, then Sharon won't want to go. That would rule us out, too. Why?

No reason.

PHONE VIBRATES

Why is Lauren's phone having a heart attack?

"Don't go, babes,

"life won't be LOLs without Lors."

Is this for real? "I am TISBOF".

TISBOF? What's TISBOF?

"Totally In Shock, Brain On Fire". Don't you know anything?

Yeah, of course!

Aw, Lauren's mates sound gutted.

Nah... Nah, not really. I mean, just the odd one.

Maybe we should put this idea back in the oven,

let it cook for a little bit longer, eh, pal?

No! It's done! It's ready to eat.

If you can't change your mind, what's the point in having one?

Yeah, but nothing's changed!

They're 100% on board.

And if not,

then a little bit of Craig's charisma will turn them around.

All right.

Homework or surfing?

If we go to Bermuda,

the homework will be surfing.

Why am I not convinced?

-How long have you been here?

-Long enough.

SHARON GROANS

How does anyone get these things on?

They're unbelievably tight!

It's easier if you don't put your legs through the armholes.

Oh, yeah.

That'll be it.

-Do you think we'll lose contact with Dad?

-What?

Oh!

Of course not!

Your dad will always be your dad.

And he's got another family to think about, as well.

But we're his family!

Yes, of course...

So, if we're his family and they're his family,

does that make us all family?

Well, yeah.

Or is your old family better cos it's older,

or your new family nicer cos it's newer?

It's...complicated.

Everything's complicated.

I know, love.

I sometimes think you girls struggle, with all this

going back and forth all the time.

She means Lauren loses it when she's not had enough sleep.

'Usually, when she's been at Dad's.'

Hmm. Short skirt, or long belt?

That's right - have a go at me the second I walk in the door!

It's not fair! You try keeping clothes in two different houses!

Up till silly o'clock at Dad's.

There! How's it feel?

Like I've been sucked up into a hosepipe.

-Where'd you get it?

-Borrowed it off Sue.

Yeah, I thought I might try diving.

Oh, and I'm taking you and Lauren swimming tonight, right?

-EXAGGERATED SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-You'll need to know how to be able to swim,

if you're going to live by the sea!

Oh! This wet suit is strangling me!

Ooh, no, it's hot...

Ow! Get off, get off, get off!

Have they not got any of my messages?

Just the people I wanted to see.

LAUREN SIGHS

Stop it. You're scaring me.

Do you know what I'm looking forward to the most

about moving to Bermuda?

Floating out to sea on a raft?

Burn!

No! No, I'm looking forward to spending more time with you guys!

You're like my sisters.

Seriously, are you OK?

-OK, just shut your eyes.

-What are you going to do?

No, nothing, I swear. Just shut your eyes.

LAUREN SIGHS

Just go with it.

Now picture it.

After a long day surfing,

you're looking up at the stars.

The breeze is warm...

HAIRDRYER HUMS

Oh, yeah. You're sipping a refreshing mango smoothie...

..as the music...drifts in from the beach.

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

They're having a barbecue.

Yes, I know - again!

You wiggle your toes in the warm sand...

..and you breathe in.

And the air smells...

..like tropical flowers!

HAIRDRYER HUMS LOUDER

Oops.

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

You could take a selfie...

All tanned, like.

Golden hair.

Over there,

you will look...awesome.

And you...

Well, you'll look...better.

LAUREN SIGHS

I'll be like a Bond girl!

This is a complete fantasy.

Yeah! We will be living the dream.

Mum, if Mike doesn't get that job over there, I am just going to die!

When do we find out?

We should get an answer in the next day!

SHARON AND LAUREN SQUEAL

My work here is done.

SHARON AND LAUREN HUM ALONG WITH MUSIC

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Hey, it's me.

What do you want? I'm busy.

OK, I was out of order when I said you weren't family.

You are. We just have different dads.

And different mums.

Right!

So how's the nutty plan going?

It should be great.

It just doesn't feel right in my tummy.

You should listen to your tummy.

Everyone thinks that when they get there,

they'll be like different people.

But no place is that good.

What do you think?

Guess I'm the only one who isn't totally over the moon.

That doesn't mean you're wrong. Think of it like this.

What if you weren't going to a tropical island?

What if you were going to, say...

Norwich?

That's easy. I'd be like, "No way".

Then... Bermuda's like Norwich...

with coconuts.

Oh, right!

But it's too late.

I said yes and Mike's already applied.

I see.

Can I speak to the real Millie, please?

The one that never gives up?

I'm sorry, but she's distracted by dolphins.

But now, she's back.

This isn't over until Mike gets that job.

That's less than a day!

So stop wasting time. What are you going to do?

I'm going to paint them a picture.

Great. I'll work on your dad.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Did you know that Lauren and Millie might be going to Bermuda?

-Really?

-Yeah!

I know all about it -

I looked it up!

-Shall I tell you?

-No.

It's got pink sand beaches.

Big deal. Now shut up about it.

I'm trying to stop them from going.

And it's right in the middle of the hurricane belt!

Then there's the Bermuda Triangle,

where boats and planes vanish without a trace!

That is weird.

But there's one simple explanation.

What?

They're kidnapped by aliens.

I'm liking this.

Come on. I've got an idea.

I'm worried Millie's not ready to be so far from her dad.

Why do you say that?

I found it.

TISBOF...

Millie seems really unsettled.

-I said if you get the job, we'll have to go.

-You think?

We promised. Lauren would never speak to me again.

Yeah, and as for Craig,

he's already got plans of setting up a stall, selling frozen bananas.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Even one I painted so fast, it's still a bit smudgy.

-Ready?

-What's this?

Ooh - a presentation!

OK - try to put him off.

Remember, we're trying to stop them from going.

Don't worry.

What's it about?

Beautiful Bermuda.

Oh. Nice, isn't it?

Home of the deadly Bermuda Triangle.

Ooh. That old chestnut.

And closer to shore lurks

-man-eating sharks.

-Ooh.

And the Portuguese man-o'-war.

-Ugh.

-With the poisonous tentacles...

-o'-war.

-Ooh...

Don't want to find one of them in your trunks.

And a surprising number of people are injured by falling coconuts...

-Ooh.

-..and random golf shots.

-Hmm...

-I wish I was going.

Yeah, me too, mate. Me too.

But we still get their room, right?

What's happened to my so-called friends?

It's like they don't even care.

You can forget them. They're history.

Frozen banana?

No, thanks.

Ow, it's...stuck to my hand!

Oh, wait a minute - somebody's logged me out!

I never log myself out.

It's like, for three hours, you cease to exist.

Oh, I wouldn't bother...

PHONE VIBRATES

See, this is more like it!

"Dude, have you left already? Sad face."

"Dude, don't go, we love you."

"We love you, girlfriend, please don't leave us."

Aw.

"Can I have your bike?" No! Cheeky.

See? How can I leave these guys?

Don't worry.

You'll make new friends, you know?

Better-looking ones.

That's a bit shallow.

Talking to you, aren't I?

See, when Mum and Dad broke up, these guys got me through.

All right, look. Check this out.

"Beautiful Bermuda".

It's from Fran and Jake.

CALYPSO MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC TURNS SINISTER

Sharks?!

No! I'm really not sure about this.

I've gone right off Bermuda!

-You have?

-PHONE VIBRATES

"Don't go, Burma is well dodge."

See? My peeps still love me.

Even if their geography's shaky.

And I'd miss Dad.

And I don't want to be caught in the middle of a Sharknado.

Oh, now who's stressing?

I know, I'm turning into you. What a nightmare!

-Thanks.

-Girls, you need to get ready for swimming.

OK, there's still time to stop them.

Hardly. Mike's going to be here any minute.

If we work together, we can do this.

Do what? We can't stop Mike getting a job.

Maybe we can...

Oh, here we go.

Now, what if we ring up Mike's boss and tell him that he can't swim?

We can't! Next.

We tell Mum that the Sundowners Club is actually a nudist colony?

No!

It isn't, is it?

No! Work with me here.

Mills, there are some things

that you can't fix with one of your schemes, OK?

Now, listen, what if we go and then we...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Guess what?

RACING GAME ON TV

OK, enough!

TV OFF

What's up, Fran-pants?

This is nuts! You've got to do something.

Come on, it might not be too late to...

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Sharon.

He did? Wow.

Great, well, you know, tell him... Tell him congrats, from me.

Yeah. Bye.

TONY SIGHS

Mike got his job.

I don't want Millie and Lauren to go.

Excuse us, Tony.

Fran, here. Now.

-No, I'm not...

-It's not your place.

But... They'll be coming back every week, right?

I will not keep quiet!

Are you going to say something,

or are you just going to sit there, like a...stunned eel?

-Fran!

-I'm her dad. I'm not Kevin Killjoy.

They don't only need you to be fun.

They need you when you're being grumpy and boring.

They just need you.

Fran, this is none of our business.

No, it's OK.

Fran's dead right.

I don't want them to go!

Where is Mum?

Either off her head with excitement, or trapped in a wet suit.

I don't care. She's well late.

-TANNOY:

-'The pool will be closing in five minutes.

'Please can you make your way to the front entrance?

'Thank you.'

I'm not waiting out there - it's freezing.

My phone's out of charge.

Too many messages.

Hurry up, you call them.

Wait - I've got a better idea.

Are you still excited?

I can't think about anything else!

Yeah, me too! I could barely concentrate during Pump and Tone.

I kept pumping when I was supposed to be toning!

-Where are the girls?

-I thought you were picking them up.

-No, I thought you were!

-Oh, no. We've really dropped the ball.

The pool shut, like... half an hour ago!

Oh, Lauren!

Mind my chips, Mum.

Oh, Millie! I am so sorry.

I thought that Mike was... And Mike thought I was...

-We got our wires completely crossed.

-Mum, chill. It's fine.

It's OK. Dad picked us up.

Good thing he was home, eh?

Shaz. Mike.

Tony! Come in.

Oh, thank you so much.

You would have done the same for me.

So... I need to say...

..to say...

Well done!

Er... OK, so...

Nice one. Right, that's me. Bye.

Wait, Dad!

I've got something to say.

-Where's my chips?

-Here.

-Ew.

-You put vinegar on them?

Well, it's been a weird year.

Everything's changed.

And it's only us two that get to see it all.

Mum and Mike...

Dad and Amber...

We don't all live together,

but that doesn't mean we're not all part of a...thing.

You don't have to call it a family.

But whatever it is, it works.

Don't make a big speech.

Bottom line is, I'm staying here.

Me, too.

I'm happy to come and visit you, though.

OK, er... I did want to say something.

Really, Millie's basically already said it.

I don't want you to go.

I know it's too late.

Well, if that's how you feel,

then I don't want to go, either.

Well, I mean, I don't want to leave without you...

I guess that's it, isn't it?

-I mean, you'll be all right, won't you, big guy?

-No!

What?

I'll go on my own! I will swim if I have to!

Come on, paradise wouldn't be the same without me and Millie.

We're like your sisters.

Yeah, and there'd be no-one there to annoy you.

You'd go all soft!

Yeah, I mean... It probably is filled with...

people playing golf in weird trousers.

MIKE AND SHARON LAUGH

LAUGHTER

I did not just make it all up to get everyone to beg me to stay!

So that's it.

We're not going to live somewhere perfect.

But maybe, nowhere really is perfect.

Just like there's no such thing as a perfect family.

Or, a perfect family might be like a tropical island -

a nice place to visit,

but wouldn't it be a bit boring if you lived there?

Night-night.