A Different Christmas Millie Inbetween

It's Christmas, time of joy and happiness... you'd think.

One.

Two.

Three.. Ta-da!

That's fake. We can't put our real angel on a fake tree!

The angel's not real either.

It's not a fake tree, it's...almost real. Look, smell it.

Mmm, Lauren. Mmm, smell the tree.

Actually, it does smell pretty good.

Awesome, tree smelling!

You see? It's just as good!

Right, moving on.

Wait - this isn't a bauble. It's a pine air freshener!

Mum, fake tree smell! How could you?

And then that. That's not even a real wreath!

Ha, it's the Incredible Sulk.

Eugggh!

What's up with her?

Lauren likes Christmas done right.

And this is the first one since the split.

So no pressure, then...

So, girls, I was thinking...

Wouldn't two Christmases be fun?

One here, one at Dad's. One plus one is two, two is better than one?

Double the food and double the presents - I like it. I'm in!

I'm not. I want everything to be how it always was.

And how exactly would that work?

I bet she hasn't thought it through.

Dad comes here on Christmas Eve and sleeps on the sofa.

Mike and Craig stay upstairs and we bring them presents.

Lunch would be in shifts!

She has thought it through.

It's nonsense, but she's thought it through.

Well, that would be pretty awful for Mike.

I just want Christmas to be great like it always was.

The thing with Lauren wanting everything to be the same is that

she has a way of cutting the bad bits out of her memory.

Like cutting the mushy bits off a banana.

She remembers it like this...

Well done, Lauren. Excellent angel-putting-up skills.

I think this is going to be the best Christmas ever.

Also, I love real trees.

Except I remember it more like this...

There! Perfect!

This is your fault!

Awkward...

Christmas is about tradition - holly, crackers,

weird pop songs from the '70s!

Well, we'll have some new traditions.

New traditions, I love it!

You can't have new traditions!

-That's like saying a new...old thing!

-Good example.

Urrggh! Why can't you just compromise and do what I want?

Because what you want is crazy and impractical!

Well, you're crazy and impractical!

I am not impractical! I'm very practical.

Looks like we'll be keeping one tradition alive - the fighting.

But hold up, this year I can escape to Dad's.

Do you think Jake would like a rocket?

Yeah, but nothing that actually works or he'll fly it into someone.

-OK, a kite?

-Ditto.

-How about a duck?

-Ditto.

And by Boxing Day, you'd be holding a duck funeral.

Are you getting me a duck funeral for Christmas?

Oi! Flappy ears.

I meant the duck for Christmas lunch. To eat.

I'd like a pair of glasses.

You've got perfect vision.

I know. So if I lose them, it wouldn't be a problem.

Ducks...duck funeral! Yeah, duck funeral.

No. Glasses!

I want a duck funeral.

YELLING ALL AT ONCE

Guys, guys!

Hey, everyone - STOP FIGHTING!

Hi, Millie. Didn't hear you come in.

I'm not surprised with all this arguing going on.

It's cos the way we've done Christmas has always led to fights.

Christmas can be stressful.

I like fights.

That's because your crazy!

-And Mum likes yelling.

-Jake! I do not yell.

You do at Christmas.

I don't.

We don't fight at Christmas.

THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

Guys!

This is what I mean.

And it's exactly the same at Mum's.

What if this year we do things a bit differently?

I mean, things will be different with Amber and Mike.

What we need are some new traditions. Yeah?

Everything new? Seriously!

It'll be so much fun figuring out the new traditions.

New decorations. New Christmas movies. New food.

I am bored of making cinnamon muffins.

But I love them! So cinnamon-y and muffin-y...

Lauren. Focus.

I don't like it.

I reckon we should just eat popcorn, and watch action movies and slob out!

How's that different from any other day?

It's different for you, isn't it?

Be grateful, I'm giving you new ideas.

Craig does have a point.

And Millie has got a point. Oh, my head hurts.

This is yours and Mum's first Christmas together, right?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK, moving quickly on.

Don't you want it to be special?

This way it can be.

Just think about it - pizza, action movies.

I do still get to hand out presents, right? Cos that's, like, my role.

And I don't want to change any of the decorations.

Especially not the angel on the top of the tree.

Cos I, like, LOVE the angel.

So that's everything the same, then?

We can lose the naff jumpers. They're a crime against fashion.

I just want Christmas to be less...shouty.

And maybe, if we do things differently, it can be.

Just think about it.

Please.

Do you think they hate it? I think they hate it.

I have thought about it and...

-You hate it?

-No!

Your idea is great,

let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Maybe we can keep some things, you know, the special things?

You know what your sister is like with change.

True.

It took her years to part with her first proper bike.

Oh, please let me get you a new bike, Lauren.

And ride it outside!

And don't get me started on her first goldfish.

OK. As long as Lauren doesn't get to keep the angel.

I hate that angel.

It has creepy eyes and it makes weird things happen.

OK, the angel stays in the box.

Millie is going to love this!

An all-new Christmas with an all-new Christmas dinner.

That looks like three Christmas dinners.

It's a turducken.

A turkey stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a duck.

How exactly do you get the birds into each other?

Well, it's a highly technical skill...

What you do is you cram them in.

Can I cram the duck into the chicken?

BOTH: No.

That looks extremely disturbing.

I'll get the camera.

I've just remembered some last-minute shopping. Laters!

So, Christmas Eve, I reckon board games!

We're just saving things that are special. Are board games special?

They date back to...

Snow Miracle is on! It's so cute with the little snow bear

and his little snowy nose and all that snow.

We watched it last year. And the one before.

What's your idea, then?

Have you got something brilliantly different for us to do?

Yeah, course.

Totally.

A new tradition coming up!

You want us to sing Christmas songs?

-Can you play the keyboard?

-No.

Should've kept up your piano lessons then, shouldn't you?

Mum! The teacher had hair growing out of his ears.

And I really wanted to learn guitar. Guitar's brill.

I thought this was meant to stop the fighting.

-It will! If Mum would...

-I'm just saying.

So who can play the piano, then?

No-one, it already has songs pre-programmed into it. Look.

# On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# A partridge in a pear tree. #

And I'm out.

# On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. #

Wow, Mike, you're really good.

You can really sing.

# On the third day of Christmas My true love sent to me

# Three French hens Two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree

-MUFFLED:

-# On the fourth day of Christmas

# My true love sent to me

# Five calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves

# And a partridge in a pear tree! #

-Hi.

-Hi. Were the shops a nightmare of stressed people

elbowing each other in the name of Christmas?

Yeah, totally.

I mean, I tried to remain Zen, then my Zen got shoved in the back

and trampled on.

Well, my Zen is alive and well.

Ordered all my presents online.

Oh, come on, Christmas - piece of cake!

I don't know what Sharon was so stressed about.

-Has your stuff been delivered yet?

-No.

You know it's gone six?

Yeah, they'll come. I ordered them ages ago. Well, two days ago.

My First Metal Detector for Fran? Pink hair extensions for Lauren?

And a guitar for Millie?

Yeah, sweated over those...

But...they're still in your basket, along with a model coffin

and a plastic duck for Jake.

You never pressed "buy".

No way!

Way. Oh! OK. I will not lose it.

I promised Millie this year would be different.

I'm going to my happy place.

Money! I'll give the kids money. Kids love money.

And I'll have the dream catcher you almost got me.

Well, that was different for Christmas Eve.

You said that would be cute, like Snow Miracle.

But it was nothing like Snow Miracle.

What? The couple got together.

They were both zombies.

It's a new genre - Rom-Zom.

Right, girls, sooner to bed, the sooner it's Christmas!

You say that every year, Mum. So not this time!

Sweet dreams.

Let's just hope they don't feature a zombie couple laughing

and eating bugs.

Night, Happy Christmas, almost.

Remember - you can fake a tree, but you can't fake Christmas.

Night.

-Night.

-See you in the morning.

It's not the same without the angel on the tree.

She's way too quiet, right?

What's up?

Nothing...

It was just a really icky film, you know?

Go on, tell me.

I can't help it. I'm trying, but...

I just want everything to be how it was

and I just really, really miss Dad.

I miss Dad, too.

Really?

Yeah, of course.

We didn't ask for everything to be different.

Things just are. So I'm trying to go with it.

You've always been really, really good at that.

You're as annoying as anything, but you're good at that.

Thanks.

Do you think we'll still get stockings?

The world's hasn't ended, has it?

I want a huge one overflowing with sweets.

Me too. You want to get up at 5:00 to check?

5:00? That's way too early.

5:30.

Night, Mills.

Night, Lauren.

Millie, Millie, wake up.

It's Christmas and there's stockings!

Are they overflowing with sweets?

Yeah, and almost no fruit. Result!

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas, girls.

Well, I don't know what they're doing,

but it involves every pan and most all of the kitchen utensils.

Well, this is one of our traditions. It's our Classic Crimble Fry Up,

so I thought I would save it.

You? I thought your body was your temple!

Yeah, well, it usually is, but today it's my dustbin.

I've got bacon, I've got sausages, I've got black and white pudding.

Wow, that's pretty much a whole pig!

-Back off.

-All right.

-I'll make the toast.

Craig is a toast-making legend.

Always has been, ever since he was this high. Complete natural.

Congrats(!)

My pleasure.

What a gift.

Thank you.

It all smells so good. Ooh, this is going great.

But it doesn't smell like cinnamon and if it doesn't smell

like cinnamon, then it doesn't feel like Christmas,

and if it doesn't feel like Christmas then it isn't Christmas.

And I really want Christmas.

Lauren, you know how you said I was really good at embracing the new?

Yeah, well, you can be good at it over there

and I'll be really bad at it over here.

Mum, can you please make Christmas morning cinnamon muffins?

You want to save muffins?

When there's bacon?

And Craig's awesome toast?

Save the muffins.

The turducken looks exactly the same as it did an hour ago.

Maybe I should turn it up?

That's exactly what you shouldn't do.

You're right. I'll walk away, let it do its thing.

Great idea.

It'll probably cook quicker if I'm not looking.

So stop looking at it. And stop going on about it!

OK.

It's time for a Christmas tradition that we've decided to save.

Can I get them, can I get them?

Yes, you can, Jake. Come on.

-When I was travelling in Venezuela...

-Ah!

It's a spider pinata.

Mum met a tribe in South America who believed in a giant spider

who came out of the jungle once a year and gave sweets to everyone.

-I might of made that bit up.

-BOTH:

-Mum!

Close your eyes and whack the spider.

-BOTH:

-Whack the spider, whack the spider. Whack the spider!

It's big and hairy. Whack it!

THEY CHEER

HE PANTS

Everything is cool, everything is cool.

Present time!

OK, I know I said I was cool with this, but...

I really want to hand out the presents.

Things are supposed to be different. You've already kept the muffins.

Yeah, well, you made me watch a zombie love story

and I'm already having flashbacks.

I've got an idea. I usually give out the presents.

So if Lauren did it, then that would be different for us.

That's kind of a loophole but... OK.

Yay, yay, yay. OK...

This one is to Mike from Craig.

Watch out, it's a bit heavy.

I wonder what that could be?

Ah, mate, that is awesome. Just what I wanted! Thanks.

Haven't you already got, like, ten of them?

16. But this is a brand-new one. Completely updated.

OK, And this one is to Craig from Mike.

Cheers.

Ah, cool, a gift voucher. Thanks, Dad.

Cheers. Awesome. Amazing. Just what I wanted, honestly.

So you only get each other one present?

Yeah, we don't make a big thing about presents.

-To us Christmas is more about...

-Love.

Telly.

Well, luckily, we go bonkers.

-Right, these are all from Millie. This one is for Mike.

-Thanks, Mills.

Christmas jumper, awesome.

You decided to save naff Christmas jumpers!

It's not Christmas

if we're not all dressed in reindeer-themed polyester!

No way. I ain't wearing this.

You have to, Millie saved it. Obey the Christmas rules, minion.

Like you have!

I sort of did. Oh, look at the tree.

The angel's not up there.

Wow, I've done pretty well. Amber, thanks for the vinyl.

Jake, the large toy spider is hilarious.

And Fran, thanks for...Jane Eyre.

I thought it might help you get into the classics.

Who knew they'd made it into a video game?

-So this is for you, Fran.

-Thank you.

-Jake, this is yours.

-Thanks.

25 quid!

Yeah!

Fran, what do you think, is cash OK?

I don't mind that it isn't a very personal or thoughtful present...

cos you haven't known me long.

He did buy thoughtful presents, it's just that...

I'm just going to check on the turducken.

Ow, ow!

Are you all right?

You OK? I heard a...

crash.

It's fine.

Everything's cool, everything is cool.

Oh, no, it's not.

My pulse is racing, and I've got tingling in my right arm.

Oh, I'm having a heart attack.

You're not, that's the left arm.

Good. It's good to have someone medical around.

I might need you later!

You're definitely not having a baby.

But I've ruined Christmas dinner and Millie and Lauren will be

here soon and I haven't got presents for anyone.

I'm Scrooge and the Grinch rolled into one! I'm the Scrinch!

Is this what stress is like? I don't like it...

SCREAMS: Everything is not cool. Everything is not cool!

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

What's he doing?

I think he's hiding in the cupboard.

Interesting Christmas tradition...

And so Dad's unravelling like a cheap reindeer jumper.

Luckily, we're all good at Mum's.

And everything's all over bar the shouting.

Wow, Craig, four helpings?

Yep, it was good.

So you admit it? Christmas dinner is way better than pizza?

I admit nothing.

I mean, Christmas dinner is good,

but pizza is...whatever, so yeah.

Well, there's no arguing with that.

I thought it was lush.

Me too, best Christmas dinner ever.

You know what would make it the best Christmas dinner ever?

If we put the Christmas angel on the top of the tree.

Well, I'm liking the Christmas small teddy.

But we have had the Christmas angel every single year.

This different Christmas thing is stupid!

It's not stupid if it's important to Millie.

You can't come here with your non-traditional fry-ups

and try and change up everything.

It was my idea.

And I just wanted no fights for a change.

Has Christmas really always been so awful?

Why are you giving me serious face?

Why aren't you giving her serious face? Cos she started it.

Because I want to know, has Christmas always been

so awful that you've got to change everything?

When I've always tried to make it nice.

It wasn't me that changed everything. That was you and Dad!

Ouch...

Come on, we're going to be late.

Wait for me.

I know I've upset my mum. I'm a horrible person.

And she's right, Christmas wasn't all that bad.

The good bits just got a bit lost in the shouting...

Wow, I love it.

In fact, I think it might be the best Christmas jumper ever.

You know what, I think this might be the best Christmas ever.

I agree with your dad.

Me too, best Christmas ever.

-ALL:

-Yay!

See what I mean?

Wow, there's a lot of stuff.

Sure you don't want the boys to help out?

No, let them have their boy time.

I'm not really interested in watching Bruce Willis

blow things up anyway.

What about Millie blowing stuff up?

I shouldn't have had a go. I feel bad now.

OK, well, see you in a couple of hours.

Actually, wait.

This is for your dad. It's not much.

Just tell him it's... Well, it's the tradition I wanted to save.

See you later.

I'm not hiding.

OK, I am hiding.

I seemed to have created a kind of anti-Christmas.

If it helps, the kids are eating your roast potatoes right now.

They turned out pretty great.

Yeah, that does help a bit actually. Thanks.

I can't come out, though.

I'm going to have to live here. Be a cupboard dweller.

I will have to eat dust balls.

Because you're worried about your kids?

Yeah.

Fran was right, I can't just give them money.

I don't have anything else.

Look at all this junk.

It's not junk!

Here you go.

HE STRUMS GUITAR

My dad gave me that years ago for Christmas.

DOOR CLOSES

Hey, Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Look what I got.

-Where's Dad?

-Well...

Oh, you missed it - the turducken exploded!

Is that a present for me?

No, not really. It's for Dad, but I guess he won't mind.

I don't get it.

-BOTH:

-Turkey sandwiches.

I thought it was weird

when Mum said this was a tradition she wanted to save.

Turkey sandwiches!

-From Mum.

-Wow, wicked!

I don't know what it is about turkey that tastes better in sandwich form,

but it does.

-But, Dad, are we heading towards...

-Present time? Yes, we are.

You got me a guitar!

Not just any guitar.

My dad gave me that, many, many years ago.

SHE STRUMS GUITAR

I love it. I really love it.

I really love it.

Is it my turn now?

Yeah, open away.

Your mum and I started this album the day after you were born.

Oh, there's our Christmas breakfast with pancakes.

There's Mum handing out the presents.

Not you?

Maybe my traditions aren't as old as I remember them...

Aw!

I am going to find a Christmas film to watch with Fran and Jake.

Good night, girls.

-Merry Christmas.

-Bye, Amber, Merry Christmas.

Oh, it was going to be the thing I was going to save...

the turkey sandwiches.

They're even better when you're actually hungry!

Thank your mum for me.

Tell her...

Tell her she's really good at Christmas, Christmas is tricky.

Just found that out.

We'd better go.

Hey, do you remember the Christmas when you both fell asleep

on the sofa and I had to carry you both to bed?

-No.

-We were asleep.

Oh, right, of course.

It was good though, carrying you both to bed and tucking you in.

Totally did my back in, but, you know, it was good.

Bye, Dad.

-Bye, Dad.

-Merry Christmas. Really, thank your mum for me.

Merry Christmas. Love you.

Hi.

Hey, did you have fun?

Yeah, Dad got us wicked presents.

He did, and then Jake ate a pen and now the inside of his mouth is blue.

How were the turkey sandwiches?

They were amazing. Mum, your turkey sandwiches were amazing.

Thank you, angel.

Mum, when I say "amazing", you know I'm talking about you

and not just the sandwiches, right?

I know.

Oh, nice.

Hot chocolate, sweet.

What happened to "Christmas is stupid and this jumper is stupid?"

It was cold.

It's boiling in here.

I saved a tradition too. Every year I try something new.

And I didn't know what it was going to be this year,

but...whatevs.

So yeah...

Thanks, Millie.

Happy to help.

-Thank you, Mum.

-Thanks, Sharon.

It's actually not that creepy.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I am.

Let's face it, that was never going to be the smoothest Christmas ever.

But we got through it, give or take the odd zombie wedding...

There! Perfect!

The tree, the tree!

No! Nooo!

It's not just me - that angel has got to go.

See you next year.