Moving Day Millie Inbetween

Big day. I'm moving.

Next door to Lauren's.

Now, Mike and Craig are moving in, so I've nobly given up my room.

-Heads.

-Tails. I win!

You move.

I bet it was her trick coin.

Um, sorry. There's no room for that.

Mum said you had to find me some.

That's it? And where's my bed?

You want me to sleep hanging off the door hook?

I'm not a monster!

You can lay it on the floor at night.

Think I want to share a room with you?

What if nerdiness is catching?

Fine. Well, if you won't move your stuff,

then I'll move it for you.

Stop!

BOTH SCREAM

-THEY SHOUT:

-You said that she had to make space...

-She comes into MY room

-and put MY clothes...

-Girls.

-Girls.

-THEY CONTINUE YELLING

GIRLS!

OK, you don't have to shout.

She won't share with me!

I really tried, OK?

Cos my room's tiny. There's no space.

-Cos it's all taken up with your big bum!

-Millie!

Girls, I'm surprised at you two.

Lots of kids share rooms.

And you both share a room at your dad's house as well,

so that adds up to one whole room each.

So, really, you're very lucky.

Mum's so wasted at Sunnyshopper.

She should've been a lawyer.

We all have way more stuff than we need.

You should have a clear out...like me.

Oh, it's a shame you spelt Craig wrong.

Jokes!

Don't do that!

Now, come on. Let's not act like we're making a huge sacrifice.

-But we are.

-Well, I am anyway.

DOORBELL RINGS

Heya. Hiya!

Welcome to your new home!

Wow, how cool is that?

We're so excited, aren't we, girls?

The start of an adventure, eh, Craig?

Look at us, one big new happy family.

Not that we're trying to replace your old fam...

-Not that your family is old.

-Mike.

Sorry, I haven't had much sleep. I've been up since five.

Where's my gaff then?

You're in my room. It's OK, you don't need to thank me.

But it's not ready yet cos Lauren has selfishness issues.

What part of "there's no space" don't you understand?

Maybe there might be if you tidied up ever?

Sorry I don't spend all day tidying because I have a life!

Guys, guys, if you need more time, I'm sure Craig won't mind

-kipping on the sofa.

-No way. You kip on the sofa.

Nobody needs to kip on the sofa!

The girls are fine.

Aren't you?

Who wants to help us unload?!

Oh, it's a bit pokey, innit?

I think what you're trying to say is,

"Thank you, Millie, for letting me have your room?"

Thank you, Millie. I really appreciate it.

Much better, pal.

And I'd appreciate it

if you'd got the rest of your junk out of here...pronto.

No girls today?

Eh?

Ah, no, they're at their mum's.

Boyfriend and son moving in, apparently.

-You're OK with that, are you?

-Why wouldn't I be?

It's just you seem a little bit lost.

Yeah, I went out there a moment ago,

came back in, couldn't remember why.

And you're not upset?

Me? No.

-Upset.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Do you want a cup of tea?

-Yeah, cheers.

Er, no, no. Just...

..my girls are getting a whole new family,

much more fun than their dull old dad.

-Think they'll still come and visit?

-Tony, of course they will.

-Yeah.

Oh, I was going to do the bathroom door. Right.

I don't want you changing anything without checking

-with me first, OK?

-How can you have it so bright in here?

It's too dark.

And that doesn't make sense and it just looks terrible.

Well, lucky for you, you never have to be in here ever again.

Well, I won't want to be in here now that you've infected it.

-HE WHISTLES

-Hey.

-Door?

-Oh, right!

Right, door.

-That's Craig unpacked.

-I can hear.

-Just need a dustpan.

In the cupboard.

Tell Hagrid to come and get me.

Our house never felt this small before.

I can't live like this.

Oh, don't be such a drama queen.

It's easy for you to say, you haven't got an angry science teacher

-breathing down your neck.

-Why is he angry?

Don't ask me. I think he was toilet trained too early or something.

I mean, is he angry with you?

Well, he will be if I don't get in my assignment

on the stages of pregnancy.

Any ideas?

Well, I remember looking quite sick, then feeling quite sick

and then actually being quite sick.

Mu-um, I can't put that.

Oh, all right. Well,

isn't Dad's new girlfriend a midwife?

HE SWITCHES DRILL ON INTERMITTENTLY

Door.

Door, right, yep.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I can't live like this. Mum's is an absolute madhouse!

Oh, that's a shame.

-How bad is it?

-Nightmare.

-I can't tell you.

-Go on. Tell me.

They came in this, like, van, with all this, like, stuff.

Like, chairs.

I mean, hello, we've already got chairs!

You do have chairs, yes.

So you came to see your old dad?

I've come to do my homework.

-I can help!

-And I kind of need Amber, actually.

-Is she here?

-Yeah.

Enter the oasis of calm.

Madhouse, eh?

Brilliant.

Hey, how are the kids getting on?

Oh, well, it's all quiet out there now.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Oh, I've made you some space!

Oh, where's your stuff going to go?

Well, I had a bit of a clear out.

Uh, yeah. Feels great, actually.

Fresh start

Oh, look.

-Weights.

-I can put them somewhere else if you want.

Oh, no, no, no. No, it's fine. It's fine.

Got my trusty bedside lamp, eh.

Oh, we've already got one.

I mean, not that yours isn't lovely, it is.

It's just that...well, they won't match.

Oh, OK. Well, no worries.

No biggie. Hey, check this out.

Telly in the bedroom. How cool is that?

Great.

You hate it, don't you?

Just forget you ever even saw it.

Who wants to watch telly in bed anyway?

Me, I do!

Craig says he got a new music player for coming here.

Oh, no, that wasn't because he didn't want to come here.

That was a...treat for being a good sport.

We didn't get a treat.

-You didn't have to leave home.

-Well, I had to leave my room,

and that has now turned into the Batcave.

A telly. You've got a telly.

-We want a telly in our bedroom.

-I don't want a telly in my bedroom!

I do want a telly in my bedroom. I don't...

OK, now let's cut to the chase.

We're talking, what, a shopping trip

for me and Lauren, at least?

-(Yes.)

-Good.

Wow, who knew they'd make bedside lamps that ugly?

CHAIR WHIRRS

Stop it.

It's a madhouse over there, apparently.

Sharon never could chuck anything out.

Total chaos Lauren says.

Where is Lauren?

Don't know. She was looking for you. Said something about homework.

BANGING

-Laurs?

-LOUD THUMPING

Dad, I'm stuck in the bathroom!

Ah, that's what I was supposed to do!

Right. Don't panic.

Um, if you bang the top right corner,

then the top left, then I'll kick the bottom.

Ready. One, two, three!

DOOR BANGS

-You all right?

-I've been stuck in there ages.

Did you not even wonder where I was?

Eventually.

Why don't I help you while your dad sorts this out?

-PHONE RINGS

-Excuse me a second.

Hello?

Yes. OK, OK.

-Just take deep breaths.

-SHE INHALES

-Hey. "Call the Midwife."

-Yeah, good one.

-That joke just keeps getting better.

-Don't worry, I'll be there soon.

I need to go and check on a client.

Right. Is she on her way to the hospital?

Not necessarily. Babies can take their own sweet time.

Bit like Dad mending the door.

Mine. Bought it with my own money.

Is that the, um, DVJ-90?

Um, why? Is it better than yours?

This your music, yeah?

It's total mum rock.

What is it, Cher? James Blunt.

50 Soothing Classical Classics?

This is music to wash up to.

In fact, it's so dull it's making my eyes yawn.

-What have you got that's so cool, then?

-Give it back.

The Eargraters. MC MegaKillz.

Ah, look,

-songs from The Lion King?

-No, that's old.

-I never got round to deleting it!

-Funny, I thought this was new.

-Just give it back or I swear...

-Don't stress.

It's all part of the "Circle Of Life".

-HE LAUGHS

-Andean pipe music.

Ooh, I can't wait to tell Lauren.

-She's going to love this.

-Right.

You shouldn't have done that.

Why? What're you going to do about it?

Has anyone seen my music thingy?

What?

I mean, how...?

Craig did it.

I...I...

-I'm sorry.

-Well, it's just a bit sticky.

You're letting him get away with that?

-I'm sure Craig didn't mean it.

-No, absolutely not, no.

I can't believe this.

If that was us, we'd have been so dead.

Mum, seriously?

You can't make us mop the floor with our hair.

-BOTH:

-Mum!

No, you're right.

I can't. But in any reasonable world, I would be able to.

-So get a mop!

-BOTH:

-Mum!

Rude children and jammy hands.

Two of Mum's pet hates.

Only a matter of time before she cracks.

-Anything I help you with?

-Mend the bathroom door.

-I meant your homework.

-Depends. Have you ever been pregnant?

Well, I won't forget your birth in a hurry.

You looked amazing when you first came out.

Like a tiny, wrinkled monkey.

-Your first nappy was radioactive.

-Dad!

-Sorry.

Hey, glad you came over, though.

I hope things haven't...changed between us.

No. Why would they?

No, good. Good, then.

Not too quiet for you?

Na, quiet's what I need.

You should give Amber a call, though.

-"Call the midwife."

-Stop that.

I don't want to bother her while she's working.

Up to you. I'll stay out of your hair.

Both got work to do.

-Dad, stop it! It's on my homework. Dad.

-I'll go and mend the bathroom.

Hey, bud. You're doing great, yeah.

But just one little thing, yeah? Sharon's music player...

-It was Millie. She set me up. She's devious.

-She's 12.

Just keep an eye on her, you'll see.

-I am busting...

-Oi, get in line. I'm next.

-Sharon's been in for ages.

-I'm sure she hasn't been that long.

Nine minutes, 42 seconds and counting.

What you doing? You can't time her!

-It's her bathroom.

-Well, it's my bladder.

There's something about knowing you can't go, isn't there?

-What about the garden?

-I checked. Too exposed.

Sorry. Was I taking too long?

-No! No, no. I don't even need the bathroom.

-Well, I do.

Oh, and, uh, I found these in there.

Yeah, they're mine but they need a wash.

Sorry.

Oh, hiya! That didn't take long.

My patient and I have had to get a cab.

You know what I said about babies taking their time?

Well, this one's in a hurry. We were on the way to hospital,

-but the traffic's mad.

-It's a match day. You should've taken your bike.

Dad, she's nine months pregnant.

-Can I bring her here while I call an ambulance?

-Course.

Great, you can ask her some of your questions.

She's giving birth! I'm not going to ask her biology questions.

-It might take her mind off it.

-So, this is Chloe.

-Hi, sorry to burst in like this on you.

-No bother. Come in, come in.

-I feel like a right idiot.

-Nonsense, you'd do the same for me.

-I'm Tony. This is Lauren.

-Hi.

Actually, Lauren's got a few questions...

SHE GROANS LOUDLY AND PANTS

It can wait.

Let's get you comfy while I sort out an ambulance, OK?

See? That was a lady pain.

Dad, it's called a contraction.

I want you home right now, young lady.

I've made a special meal and...

What do you mean, "amazing research opportunity"?

Who are you, Brian Cox?

What? Really?

Gosh.

You better get an A.

-What is it?

-It's my speciality, veggie lasagne.

I'm a meat-atarian.

Craig.

I'm just not that hungry.

I'll just have some garlic bread.

-He ate a full bag of corn chips.

-Did he?

Yeah. More like a sack.

Craig, try some.

No, it's OK. My girls love it, so...

Sorry. HE YAWNS

Before we start,

I'd just like to say

how wonderful it is to have you both here.

-Isn't it, Millie?

-Yeah.

I mean, Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

It feels like just yesterday that I first saw Mike

leading Friday bums and tums

and, although it will take some getting used to,

I think we made the right choice

and definitely didn't rush into anything far too hastily.

Mum.

CRAIG LAUGHS

Sorry. Did I miss anything?

Oh, no. Let's just eat, shall we?

-I've finished! I'm going to watch TV.

-Oh, there's pudding.

Yeah, thanks. I'll come back.

-Go on.

-Aaaaaagh.

OK. This baby wants out. There's no time to move her, I'm afraid.

-I've called a colleague for backup.

-You've "called the midwife".

Wait. Here? She's going to have the baby here?

It's OK. There's no complications and I've got all my kit.

-I'm sorry, but...

-No, no, that's fine.

-CHLOE SCREAMS

-Hang in there, Chloe!

-Is there anything we can we do?

-Thank you, Lauren.

I need some hot water and clean towels.

Is this really happening?

You heard her. We need clean water and hot towels.

Dad, we need to stay absolutely calm.

-Calm.

-HE PANTS

I'm calm. Totally calm.

-Are you calm?

-I'm totally calm.

-DOOR BANGS

-Tony, the door's stuck!

THEY SCREAM

I'm not so calm anymore!

It would be really super if you could get me out of here

-sort of now-ish?

-Dad, open the bathroom door!

-I'm trying to breathe.

-HE PANTS

Bedtime, Millie.

Aw, but, Mum, it's the weekend.

I know, but it's been a long day.

Craig doesn't have to go to bed.

Please, it's late.

Well, if he's staying up, then I'm staying up.

Millie, would you mind if Craig and I had a bit of time

to watch some telly?

I think he's put up with quite enough from you today.

Did you say Craig's put up with a lot from Millie today?

Sorry. Oh, no, that came out wrong.

-Millie gave him her room.

-It's OK, Mum.

And what's Craig done?

Oh, apart from cover my stuff in jam.

We're all on a steep learning curve.

And you fell asleep in our special tea!

Yeah, but I've been up packing since 5am.

Maybe you should've got Craig to help

instead of showering him with guilt presents!

Oh, talk about showering.

You two take so long I thought you'd turn into mermaids.

Oh! You timed my shower?

Uh, guys...

Millie teased Craig about liking the Lion King.

Hakuna Matata is our special song.

-Dad, shut up.

-I think we should all just turn in now, yeah?

-Yeah, I'm tired...

-I made you a welcome banner!

Oh, well, at least the banner still wants us here!

Well, if that's how you feel, I'm taking it down.

HE SIGHS

You can't do that, it's our banner.

Oh, no? Watch me!

They're overtired.

You said it.

OK. Try again.

Open, you stupid door!

I don't understand why it's not working.

Neither do I. How did you not fix it by now?

It took less time to build the pyramids.

-CHLOE SCREAMS

-Hello? Hello?

Amber, Chloe's calling.

OK. Um,

Lauren, you go tell Chloe everything's fine.

Me? But what about Dad?

Your dad has to stay here and get this door open.

Look, you'll be fine, OK? You're stronger than you know.

As long as you don't get halfway there and forget what you're doing.

-HE BANGS ON DOOR

-Oh!

How's it going?

Fine. I was beginning to wonder

if you'd all started randomly putting up shelves.

Sorry that's just my dad.

Amber will be back in a minute.

Good.

I've never done this before.

-Do you think I should push yet?

-No, no. Definitely, definitely not.

Can I get you anything? A pillow? Another glass of water?

Don't panic, everyone!

Ear muffs to block out my panicking dad?

-Could you just hold my hand?

-Yeah, sure.

Actually, can I just get a pen and paper and...

Hold my hand, please!

CHLOE SCREAMS

THEY BOTH SCREAM

Uh, right.

I'm going to get a crowbar. Stay there.

Where am I going to go?

Good point. OK.

Wait. I have to tell you what to do.

I know what to do, I'm doing it!

It's not that hard, OK? It's a natural thing.

-What are you talking about?

-Delivering the baby!

Basically, you just have to wash your hands and catch.

No. No way.

That's not going to happen.

Right. Here we go.

I'm coming.

-DOOR THUDS

-Ow!

Tony, you did it!

Ow. That's fine. Don't mind me.

Am I a bad person? Of course not.

I do love Mike.

It's just that...

maybe this was all a big mistake.

It's a bit late for that now, Mum.

They've already given up their flat and moved in here.

Nothing lasts forever.

I learnt that with your dad.

Mum...

I just don't know if I can cope.

And that Craig, eh?

What's he like?

He's just like a teenage boy.

But you two argue all the time.

I let him know how I feel.

Instead of bottling it inside. You should try it.

What if it's too late?

It's not. And everything will work out

as long as you grow a spine.

You think so?

I know.

Leave it to me, Mum.

CHLOE SCREAMS

BABY CRIES

Dad, Chloe did it. She was awesome!

-And?

-It's a girl!

Yay! Whoo-hoo!

Ah, Dad, this'll be my first one ever.

Your first what? First baby?!

No - an A!

I'm going to get one for sure.

There's someone I'd like you to meet.

Ooh, she's gorgeous.

Hello.

Hello, you. Welcome to earth.

Dad, she's not an alien.

Hello.

Oh, I think she's hungry.

I'll see what's in the fridge.

Silly men.

Dad, this is what I like about your place - it's never boring.

-No.

-HE SNIFFLES

Dude, are you crying?

No, I've got a bit of door in my eye.

There. Lauren's going to hit the roof when she sees this.

And, if she does,

she'll find a box of her stuff in the loft.

You know, life is pretty amazing.

It, like, goes round in a circle.

Talk to Craig about that.

And yet, we spend so much time sweating the small stuff.

Wow. What happened at Dad's?

I helped to bring new life into the world, that's all.

Aw, neighbour's cat have kittens?

No - a baby.

What? Dad had a baby?

No, not his.

-Who's then?

-Chloe's!

Right. So she just dropped by to give birth, did she?

No, dummy, there was a big match on.

OK, whatever.

I'm glad you're back.

Now we need to help Mum lay down some ground rules.

-Like what?

-Get a pen.

Lauren was a real hero when that baby came.

Though maybe she didn't pick the best time for a selfie.

And I mended the door.

-Well done, you...

-Ow.

-..in the end.

Well, you know, I thought,

that little baby had the biggest moving day ever

-and she coped fine.

-Aw, that is so sweet.

-Maybe we'll have a moving day of our own sometime.

-All right, steady on.

Still can't believe a baby was born in this room. It's a miracle.

I know. I never get tired of it.

-Even so, you must be exhausted.

-No, actually. I'm fine.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Will you go put the kettle on, then?

-Don't push it.

-No really, though.

OK, let's get started.

Now, you two need to lose some of your stuff.

Like about half. Because we don't live in the TARDIS.

Well, not half, that is a bit...

Mum! Spine.

-What about all your mum's gear, then?

-I had a clear out.

Sure, if that's what you call ramming it in the closet.

What happened to, "We all have more stuff than we need?"

-OK, OK.

-OK.

-And your weights stay at the gym.

-Well, in that case,

I want TV in the bedroom.

Well, I get to say when it goes off.

And when Craig stays with his mum, I get my old room back.

No way. No way!

Don't push me. This is my red line.

Come on! How is seven too early to play the Temper Hearts?

That is what I have for breakfast. You don't have to watch.

Ten minutes is plenty. You're having a shower, not installing one!

Listen. Listen to me!

I've, um...I've forgotten what I was going to say.

OK, so, who thinks we've got a raw deal?

Good. Then my work here is done.

Welcome to your new home.

-Yay! Finally.

-Top banana.

-Congratulations.

"Crag?"

Moving day's over.

It's fine to put out the welcome mats,

but Mum was being the welcome mat.

At least Lauren didn't notice any of my little changes around here.

That's MY phone charger!

You moved my stuff while I was out.

I did not!

So these just walked up to the loft by themselves, then?

Yep.

Night, girls.

Night, Mum.

Night.