Staycation Millie Inbetween

SHE SNORES

Now I have to share my sister's room,

it's like sleeping next to a piglet with a bunged-up snout.

Lauren? You awake?

No...

No, don't want to go school.

It's half term, remember?

Why didn't you say so?

Because we're spending it in hell and you told me not to remind you.

Oh, no! I forgot.

Actually, it's all a joke.

Really?

-No.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

CRAIG: Open up! I want a word with you!

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Let me in. I want a word with you.

She's in the wardrobe.

What are you...

Let me out! Seriously, I'm really claustrophobic

and slightly scared of the dark.

Don't worry. I know I look like a boil-in the-bag kipper.

I guess I deserve it. Things did get a bit out of hand last week.

I may have gone a little too far.

If you were Lauren's tutti-frutti lip balm, where would you be?

If I can't find it, I'll just make up a story.

Lauren will believe anything.

Aliens took my Pixie Lott top?

I know. Incredible! But it's the only explanation.

See what I mean?

-MIKE:

-Sharon, I'm home!

HE HUMS MERRILY

-SHE SQUEALS

-Arriba!

Oh, no! Have you been doing Zumba classes in your lunch break again?

No, but I've been working very hard,

which is why you are looking at "Employee of the Month"! Ahhh!

Wow! Congratulations.

-Yeah. I got a certificate.

-And?

-And a cupcake!

-Is that it?

There was one tiny little other thing -

they are going to send me away on a fantastic holiday!

Look, check out the dets!

All expenses paid - flights to Paris, somewhere to stay,

and...I get to take a guest!

(Paris...)

Wow! This is fab!

And who were you thinking of taking?

Well, I was thinking of asking the pool guy.

No, jokes. Craig, of course.

Oh...well, that's nice.

No, you, Shaz. Think about it. A week away,

just the two of us. It's just what we need!

Well, I've never been away without the kids before.

I mean, I have... but they weren't born.

Think about it. How many displays did you do last week at work?

Er... Two marshmallow Taj Mahals

and an Eiffel Tower made out of breadsticks.

You are right. We deserve this!

Come on, let's go check it out on the internet.

HE HUMS

OK, what things do I miss when I'm NOT under the table?

Mum and Mike are off to Paris!

What?!

Alone! Together!

-How do you know?

-I heard them.

I was underneath the kitchen table looking for...

hiding. Don't ask, OK?

Millie, they can't go to Paris without me.

Us. Oh, I love Paris!

-You've never been.

-I love it on TV.

Paris is like... like my mothership.

Millie, Paris, the capital city of...

France? Romance?

No, shopping! Be serious.

Millie, they have got to take us with them or I'm going to die.

A bit overdramatic, but I'm with you.

Right, I'm going to get Mum to take us with her or else...

or else...

Wow, good threat(!) But I have a better idea.

I was going to go old school - beg, plead, whine.

If we start moaning, she'll never take us.

She has to think it's her idea. Now, what's Mum's one weak spot?

Fig rolls.

Her other weak spot.

BOTH: Guilt trips!

Mum's guilt button is easy to press.

All my friends go out with their mates.

But you're right, I'm probably not responsible enough.

LAUREN SOBS

And it doesn't matter that they call me "Little Lauren".

OK!

But I'm following you.

-Mum!

-Relax. I'll be in disguise.

Argh!

You'd think she'd catch on after a while.

VIDEO GAME BEEPS

Got you this time!

That's what you get for not paying attention! Na na na-na na!

What?!

No! Oh!

ELECTRONIC APPLAUSE

How'd I lose THAT one?

ELECTRONIC CARTOON LAUGHTER

What is that thing?

Jake's doing a sponsored 24-hour silence for a fiver.

And then he found that stupid sound-effects box!

Jake, do you fancy a chocolate doughnut?

ELECTRONIC RASPBERRY

You might as well quit. You're never going to make it.

ELECTRONIC CASH REGISTER DINGS In your dreams!

That's some serious hardware.

All that stuff to deliver a baby. Who knew!

Precision-made high-grade stainless steel.

German. Makes sense.

Thank you.

And what's this?

"Birthing pool in a box."

Yeah, It's like a big paddling pool you can use for home births

DING!

No! Absolutely not.

-So, what did they say?

-Who?

-The girls, when you told them?

-Oh, well, I haven't yet.

It's not until next week, so there's plenty of time.

Going somewhere?

What? No.

Us? No.

Where would we go?

THEY MOUTH

Mike's just showing me how to samba.

Every time I think I couldn't be more embarrassed by you,

you somehow find a way!

Why didn't you just tell her?

Because I feel bad about not taking them with us.

It's not that I don't want to go, I really want to go.

I really need this holiday. I just...

Well, I don't want to hurt their feelings.

I think you're underestimating them.

I mean, Mills and Lauren, they are generous, mature young ladies.

They're bound to understand.

How can she even think about going off without us?!

And then she looked me in the eye and she lied about it.

And the worst crime of all is,

she's going to Paris without a new bag to put all my shopping in!

Forget about it.

She's coming, so let's just stick with Plan Guilt Trip, OK?

Places, everyone!

Dude, it's just me.

And try and be extra-cute.

Please! I know what I'm doing.

They'll be angry... they'll be shouty.

Stay strong. Just stand up to them.

Do we have enough?

Not if we want to take everyone out to dinner.

Here. I was saving it to buy myself some new watercolour brushes.

Millie...are you sure?

Yeah, we have to take everyone!

I couldn't leave anyone behind. I'd feel terrible.

And Mum and Mike, they've been working so hard lately,

a nice dinner out is what they really deserve.

Oh...

MUM: Oh, I just can't do it.

Paris, here we come!

I can't do it. I can't!

What? Why?!

Because if I leave the kids behind, I'll feel so guilty

I won't enjoy a minute of it!

Unless... Well, we could bring them too.

Yeah, what with? Our invisible cash or our invisible credit card?

I just feel so bad going without them.

I could sell Gam-Gam's engagement ring!

That's ridiculous!

Why? It's gold.

Not that, but the fact you call your granny Gam-Gam.

Do you think the girls would really be into this?

I dunno. But I just can't do it.

I can't look up into those big sad eyes.

They are so good at making me feel guilty!

But...

I was really looking forward to us getting some quality time together.

It could be like the honeymoon we never had.

Yeah, well, you'll get over it.

BLENDER WHIRS

AMBER: This is going to be so fun!

POP MUSIC PLAYS

This is going to be wicked.

Ahem... Mum.

Honestly, how old are you?

ELECTRONIC APPLAUSE

You said it.

-We're not just going to stay at home for half term, are we?

-Yes!

We can't go away every school holiday - we're not made of cash.

Sorry, what was that? I didn't quite hear you.

ELECTRONIC HOOTER

"Warning. Test floor strength before setting up birthing pool."

HE SIGHS

Sorry, mate. We're on the third floor.

We don't want to end up on top of Mrs McInnery's Scottie.

ELECTRONIC HOOTER

Right, you lot! House meeting, five minutes.

Last one down has to do ten press-ups!

FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Loser...

Argh!

Eight, nine, ten!

So what is this meeting about?

-ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS FRENCH ACCENT:

-Le petit dejeuner.

A slice of French toast for my pretty little lady

with a side helping of guilt-free family holiday!

I sold my guitar.

I got a really good price online, so the kids can come as well!

No, I know what you're going to say -

I was a rock star on that guitar but that rock star must go

because...family fun time is far more important.

-Hey! What's going on?

-Croissants! I love French food.

Great, you're in luck because that's where we are going

next week on half term!

THEY SQUEAL

No, Dad, not next week!

What about Matthew's party? I told you about it.

You promised I could go.

Oh, I know, but I forgot.

Can't you just miss this one party?

Just miss this one party?

Yep, no, that's cool.

Just change my status now actually.

"Craig is a massive loser."

I bet that would get some likes.

Dad, you promised I could go.

I could always get Tony and Amber to look in on him.

I'm sure they wouldn't mind.

What do you think?

Would you mind, girls, if Craig didn't come on holiday?

I'd be devastated(!)

Yeah, who'll ruin it for us?

All right, you can stay if you promise to be responsible.

Yeah!

I take it you two are still ready and willing?

For Paris? I was born ready.

Paris?

Yeah. Big French city known for shops?

Yeah, I know, love, but we're not going to Paris.

What?!

No. I won an adventure holiday. We fly into Paris but then...

we drive for 200 miles to the middle of nowhere,

to a farmer's hut surrounded by nothing,

no shops for miles, and, apparently, it's haunted! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

There's no TV, no electricity at all.

Just open fires and loads and loads of countryside.

Why did you think we were going to Paris?

I've got no idea.

Oh-la-la!

What happened?? One minute we were off to gay Paree,

the next we're off to play the Hunger Games with Mike!

Lauren!

All we had to do was keep our mouths shut.

-Calm down.

-Or ask Mum! But no, leave it to Millie.

It worked, didn't it?

Yes, and now I'm sentenced to a week sharing a farm hut

with a French ghost!

-It could be worse.

-How? How could it be worse?

It's going to be like bad reality TV!

Oh, no. Wait. I forgot!

There is no TV.

So it'll just be bad reality!

I'm sorry, I made a rookie mistake. I'll fix it, I promise!

How?

I can talk! I can say anything!

I hate bedtime!

I like doughnuts!

I can't believe you managed to be silent for a whole day.

-I know. What were the chances?

-Hey, where's my sound box?

BOING!

That's mine!

ELECTRONIC BURP

Mum, please, let's go on holiday.

We can't afford it right now, love. I'm sorry.

I guess we'll just have to go to the International Fixings Fair.

30 aisles of springs, bolts, nuts and hinges!

Surely we can do better than that.

Look what I found.

I found this at a car-boot sale.

Who needs to go on holiday? We'll make our own fun!

We can have the board game Olympics for half term. What do you say?

Yay!

ELECTRONIC SCREECH

-There must be some other way.

-CRAIG: You may enter!

Do you want to go on holiday in a haunted farmhouse?

Leave this to me. We can't afford any more rookie mistakes.

Come in. I've been expecting you.

Aww. Is that a cuddly toy?

Let me guess,

you want my expert skills to get you out of the holiday from hell.

-How do you know?

-Cos I'm a psychic genius.

A psychic genius who still plays with teddies?

Little less sneering, little more begging.

Tell Mike and Mum that we can stay with you.

Say you don't mind looking after us.

What's it worth?

OK. Name your price.

Hmm... Well, I do need my toenails clipped.

I haven't done them in months.

Urgh! I'd rather do a bushtucker trial.

Or you can do my laundry. By hand.

It's been in a ball under my bed for a good few weeks now.

If I were you, I'd wear some goggles.

The stench might make your mascara run.

-On second thoughts....no deal.

-What?!

Enjoy the great outdoors!

Mwah-hahahahahaha!

-Argh! He just...

-I heard.

That's it. We're doomed.

And it's all your fault!

There might be a way.

But...it's kind of going over the dark side?

Do it.

Oh, I get it. They're just like little laptops.

No. There's no electricity. This is called Battleships.

That game's on computer. I'll show you. It's much faster.

No. We're going to play this old-school stylee.

Right. D-8.

Miss.

-OK.

-PHONE CHIMES

Oh, hi, Millie!

E-2.

Hit.

Yes.

Need my help for what? OK, how long will you be?

G-5.

"Name of event."

Craig's Crackin' Crib Party.

"When." Half term, Friday.

Half term, Friday.

"Invite friends."

Everyone!

Obviously.

"Create event."

Boom!

Now I sit back and become a party-throwing legend!

I should probably add a photo.

Got ya! A dog in shades riding a skateboard!

That is wicked, that is.

Well...

DOOR BANGS

Busted.

Craig's Crackin' Crib Party?

How did you see that?

Seriously, a dog in sunglasses?

That's right up there with cuddling cuddly toys.

But I'm not friends with you!

Friends have friends have friends.

Social media's like a really big web.

And in the middle there's a very attractive spider - that's me.

In my world, you're just a fly.

You wouldn't dare tell?

Depends... What's it worth?

I'm not cutting your toenails!

Ew! As if!

BEEP

Don't you guys want to go on holiday over half term?

Mum said we can't afford it.

That's what parents always say when they have no money.

Yes! I have the spleen!

It doesn't have to be expensive. We can talk them into it.

We just need to put our heads together.

That would be one big head!

If you had a head that big,

you'd have to have a super-strong neck or it'd snap off.

And then you'd need...

Jake...it's a metaphor.

YOU'RE a metaphor.

-Live For The Now?

-Oh, that's Mum's.

The trick is to make them think a holiday's their idea.

Oh, I've played that game on computer!

Wow. And I thought I was the weird one!

You want to know a secret?

This is the game your mum thinks we're playing.

Really we're playing a game I like to call "What A Great Idea".

Lauren, when where you thinking

of getting round to cleaning the bathroom?

Oh, let me just check for you.

CRAIG!

-What?

-Any idea when I'll be cleaning the bathroom?

How should I know?

Mike, will we have a bathroom on holiday?

No, we're going to wash in the river and dig a hole for the old...

HE WHISTLES

Fine!

The bathroom should be sparkling within the hour.

Everyone know what they're doing?

DOOR OPENS

Oh, cool. I love this. Shout me out one, Jake!

-Uh, left hand, red.

-Left hand, red.

Got to hand it to your dad, Millie.

We're going to have a fantastic games week!

Old games are the best!

Yeah, but all my friends are going away, though.

Aw, I told you,

we need to save up a bit before we can go on holiday.

Fran, right foot, blue.

My friend's mum thought of a really good cheap idea.

You should make the most of the holidays

whilst your kids are young.

Yeah, live for the now, Mum.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

Yeah, and stop worrying and start living!

-Hey! That's what my book says!

-It must be a sign!

Mum, right hand, red!

I know! Maybe I could talk to Tony and see what he thinks.

-What a great idea!

-I'm not promising anything,

but maybe we could think of something fun but cheap.

Yeah, really good idea, Mum!

Guys! Guys!

I still won.

TV ON

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry, I was going to switch over. The big match is on.

-But I'm watching Model Catwalk.

-All right. Let's put it to the vote.

Who wants to watch the football?

All those in favour of watching Model Catwalk?

Looking forward to your party, Craig?

Uh-uh. You mean Matthew's party?

Do I? I don't know. Do I, Craig?

So, who wants to watch Model Catwalk

Son, you want to watch Model Catwalk?

Yeah. It's my favourite show.

Come on, Craig, Do the pose with me.

Attitude!

Come on, Craig!

So, Mike, about half term... Basically...

Attitude!

CAMERA CLICKS

Now that's what I call a good photo!

So, Amber and I were having a chat, and I suddenly had an idea.

We're all going on holiday!

Thanks, wee man(!) I was just working my way up to that.

Oh, wow! I was not expecting that!

Do you think we can talk Laurs into it?

I'd say we have a good chance.

Great. So everyone's ON BOARD?

On a boa...

We're not ALL AT SEA?

Mmmmpppphfff!

It's definitely FULL STEAM AHEAD?

Mmmmmmmmmmppppfffff!

-Seriously, he needs to breathe.

-Sorry.

-They were all clues! We are...

-We're going on holiday for a week...

JAKE AND DAD: ..on a boat!

Boat...

Boats are good. I like boats.

This boat!

OK...

It's the Gurnard. It's my Uncle Jeff's!

He says we can stay in it as long as we can fix it up.

There's the odd leak.

Leaky boat? Sinky boat.

It's OK. We're not going anywhere.

We'll just be swabbing the bilges,

sluicing out the scuppers, that kind of thing.

Aye-aye, Captain!

Ha-har!

And we're all going to be sleeping in hammocks!

Ha! And every one of us gets to wear one of these.

Yay!

In case of pigeon poo?

No, silly.

Cos it's going to rain all week.

A fun, cheap holiday - and all it took was a little imagination!

AMBER LAUGHS

Land ahoy!

You got us out of it?! I could kiss you! But I won't, obvs.

So, what are we doing?

Oh, no, wait, don't tell me. It doesn't matter.

Anything is better than sharing a tent with creepy-crawlies in France.

Anything?

-What?

-You said, "Anything."

What have you done?

We are staying on an old canal boat that should have sunk

with the Titanic.

A boat? But I get seasick!

Don't worry. We're not floating. We are cleaning...this!

That's not a boat, that's a wreck!

Oh, and you're sharing a hammock with Jake.

Nooooooooo! What is this?

Your poncho.

Millie!

A week dressed like a blue nerd, sharing a hammock with Jake

and his smelly feet in my face!

And he's going to be talking about how his science teacher is a robot!

I'm just going to go mad! MAD!

You could go with Mum and Mike.

This is you. It's all you.

I can fix it!

SHE HUMS ALONG TO POP MUSIC

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Oh, hi, Tony.

Just about to phone you to sort out half-term break.

Oh.

No, Millie didn't mention that.

I can't believe you sold your beloved Gam-Gam's engagement ring.

I know. But if I hadn't,

we'd never have been able to take the kids away with us.

And I could never leave them behind.

I'd feel terrible.

I know. Family time is much more important.

I'm sorry! It's all my fault!

Wait a second, did I just get...guilt-tripped?

Just a little something I learned from Lauren and you.

Then I asked Amber to ask Dad to take us on holiday

so we wouldn't have to go on the activity holiday.

Well, I, for one, am shocked. Shocked!

I mean, what are you going to do to her? You can't just let that slide.

I've got a feeling you both had a hand in this.

Fine. All I wanted to do was go to Paris

and shop like I was Taylor Swift on a European mini-break,

I mean, is that too much to ask?

I guess it is.

But now I've found out about your dad's plans,

I think justice will be done.

Yeah, we're going to go on our own.

Your mum and I's first holiday together.

I can't wait.

Go. Get it out of your system.

And I'll definitely be talking to your dad more often from now on.

Don't worry, guys! I can hold down the fort.

Guess what Craig has got planned for when you guys go away?

He's going to clean the house from top to bottom.

What? Oh... Clean the house? Yeah, can do!

-It's going to be sparkling and spotless. Right, Craig?

-Yep.

-Ah, you're a diamond, son!

-Get off...

-Except you're going to be at your nan's.

-What?!

With Tony and Amber away,

-we thought it was only fair not to leave you on your own.

-Dad...

Don't you worry. Your gran said that you can tag along with

her rambling holiday,

and she's got all the DVDs of Model Catwalk,

-so you can watch it with her!

-Brilliant(!)

BOTH: Attitude!

So now you're up to speed why we both look like Smurfs' hats.

Are you ready, shipmate?

Don't. Just...don't.

BANGING Let me out, girls.

Oh, yeah...Craig.

Come on, girls, are you serious?

Bon voyage.

Have fun scraping rust and mopping slime.

Enjoy your granny-rambling.

-Yeah, and Craig...

-What now?

I've already had to cancel my own party invitation.

-It can't get much worse.

-I uploaded this to your post.

What do you think?

-What?!

-I think it brightens it up a bit.

No!

Give it... Give it back. Just delete it.

Looking on the bright side,

Mum gets to go on holiday with her Employee of the Month.

And I'm kind of looking forward to spending time with Dad and the guys,

even up to my armpits in sludge.