Boy Band Millie Inbetween

RADIO PLAYS POP MUSIC

Hello?

Girl asleep here?

Half-seven! Time to get up.

It's the Temper Hearts' new album launch.

I'd love to be woken up by them.

Ugh, sounds like an owl in a tumble dryer.

You're just too young to get it.

They're deep and complicated...

and they're cute!

MUSIC STOPS

Hey, I was listening to that!

Things I don't do before breakfast -

they are, long division, gymnastics and boy bands.

They're not a boy band -

-MUSIC RESUMES

-They're a man band! They're amazing.

I'm going to listen to them all day.

You can't, because we're going to the movies, to see Ghost Clan 4.

I'll listen to them in the adverts.

And the boring bits.

Ooh - good part coming up.

Good part coming up, ready?

Yeah - the part when it stops.

Millie!

When you become a Temper Hearts fan,

it's like being infected by a zombie virus.

I've studied it first-hand.

Stage one - first contact.

You listen to one song, maybe two.

Then you download the album.

Then you learn the words and the dance moves.

POP MUSIC PLAYS

Stage two - obsession.

The victim develops a crush on the band

and learns every tedious detail of their lives.

Nathan's favourite colour is blue - so is mine.

He's from Leeds - I even know where that is!

We've got everything in common.

SHE SNIFFS

He smells good, too.

Stage three - Temper Hearts Fever.

Symptoms include sweating,

shrine-building and waking up your little sister.

Millie!

Finally, stage four - rabid fan.

The victim becomes hopelessly addicted,

and will stop at nothing to pursue their prey.

Eventually, their brains fall out and they die.

Mffffggle!

There is no known cure.

GAME SOUND EFFECTS

It might look like random chaos, you know,

but there's actually a lot of strategy in these games.

What's your strategy?

Decapitate the aliens before they eat my face.

Oh, lovely.

-And how's that going for you, Craig?

-Not well, Sharon.

We might put on a family movie later, if you fancy it?

No, you're all right.

I'll just, um... watch something upstairs.

Craig - wait!

Oh, do something, Mike!

I am. I'm leaving him to it.

That's my strategy.

That's not a strategy. That's giving up.

He's a teenager - he needs time to pupate,

so he can morph into an awesome man-butterfly.

I need to get to know him.

You know, discover the Inner Craig.

How does he feel?

What makes him tick?

I have no idea.

The Outer Craig is enough for me.

I think I will have another wee word with him.

Hiya! What you reading?

Ghost Clan. It's brilliant!

Sounds well exciting. What's it about?

It's about a group of young rebels who escape from the ghost city

-and so all the evil old people try to kill them.

-Right.

-And by "old", you mean...

-Over 25.

Right.

Sorry, no offence.

Oh, no, none taken.

Us over-25s have had our way for too long.

I'm starting to get used to having Amber around when we're at Dad's.

She's like a new table.

Sticks out a bit at first, but then you get used to her

and you find out she's actually quite useful.

Right, that's everything I need.

-Tony?

-Oh...

Hi! Just, er...

This sink is so temperamental, isn't it?

It's like the... Britney Spears of sinks.

Fran and Jake are at their auntie's - free night!

What have we got planned?

Er, nothing... Nothing special.

-Oh!

-Whoa!

The problem is,

it can be super awkward, watching Dad with a girlfriend.

He's less romantic than a guided tour through a slug museum.

For example...

So? What do you think?

-That's... Oh, that's perfect!

-Yeah?

Yeah! AMBER LAUGHS

That's the perfect colour for the bathroom.

It's that one, that one, yeah.

Nothing makes a girl feel special like matching the loo.

There we go, that's that sorted.

Can I have that?

-Tony?

-Mm-hm?

-Why don't we do something a bit different tonight?

We could try that new Italian place

and we could take the girls, you know?

It might be a good chance for me to get to know them better.

Um, yeah... There's not that much to know, really.

Um... Pudding basically covers it.

And...they're both out tonight.

While we stay in?

Exactly!

Right, well, I'm...sure that'll be fun, too.

-That's settled.

-Yes.

Get back to this.

KNOCKS AT DOOR

Go away.

It's not too bad. I've seen it worse.

It's OK to come in.

SHARON GASPS

Just doing a quick laundry run, pal.

GORY GAME SOUND EFFECTS

What now?

Well, we've resupplied, we've cleared the debris...

Our work here is done.

What, you just leave him here to fester?

-Yeah.

-For how long?

About five years should do the trick.

I know boys, Sharon.

The less contact with humans, the better for all concerned.

No. We never spend any time together!

No, I'll talk to him.

Leave it to me.

So...

What up...

dawg?

Die, scumbag! Die! SQUELCH

Ooh, that's nice.

Why don't you, er... come downstairs with me and your old man...

Cut loose?

Don't say that.

I bet by the end of the day, we'll be best bros.

Sweet as.

Don't say that.

What do you say, bruv?

Gangnam style?

Amazeballs?

Don't say that.

BONE CRUNCH SCREAM

You got to hand it to Mum.

The chances of her getting it right are about...zero,

but it doesn't stop her from trying.

LAUREN SCREAMS

Lauren, what's happened?!

Oh, gosh, did you drop a bottle of nail varnish?

Do you need a doctor?

Did you sit on a curler?

Ah, shut it, shorty.

The Temper Hearts are doing a pop-up gig in town,

tonight, free

and you've got to take me!

But we're going to the opening night of Ghost Clan 4.

-It's all planned.

-Well, un-plan it.

Those movies are all the same anyway -

Blah-di-blah, fighty fight.

Yeah, like all the Temper Farts songs -

Blah-di blah, lovey wuvvy.

They're the best band ever - and as if I want you coming with me

and cramping my style anyway, Mini-Me.

Well, you wouldn't last five minutes in a Ghost Clan crossbow hunt...

Girls, girls.

Why don't I take Lauren?

-You?

-Yeah. What, are you worried I won't be cool enough?

Because I've been to more gigs than you've had hot dinners.

Most of the time, I'd just sneak off without telling my parents.

Which was a terrible idea and you should never do that.

-Amber, you don't have to...

-You wouldn't like them.

They're a boy band.

No, they're not. Fine.

Me and Amber are going!

Come on Ambs, I've got so much to teach you.

I'll tell you all you need to know to be a Temper Hearts fan.

What just happened there?

We lost our dates, that's what happened.

I know what Amber's trying to do here - bond with us.

-You think so?

-Yeah.

But why is she hanging out with Lauren?

Why isn't she bonding with me?

Maybe she's tried.

Yoo-hoo, Craig?

Why not come and hang with me at the park?

Cos I don't do rain.

Next thing you'll be on about a "family fun day".

Cool idea! Yeah, I'm up for it.

How about you?

You say that like I have a choice.

Of course you do!

-I don't want to.

-Yes, you do.

-Come on!

-No.

Come on, son. It'll only be for a couple of hours.

Yeah, hours that I'll never get back.

You know what, Dad? I can't believe you'd do this to me.

To your own son, your baby boy.

Don't do that.

You really want to take her side?

Come on, you can show me some of your skillz!

With a "Z".

Woo!

Sick move. Just like Dwayne Rooney.

Whoa!

CRASH

So, the Temper Hearts used to be called the Tender Hearts,

but then when Nicki left, they had to change the name

because they needed a better web address...

Are you even listening?

Yes! Web address.

Do you know what, I think I've got all this now.

Why don't you just play me one of their songs?

Amber, I don't want you embarrassing me in front of them.

It's not like we're going to meet them.

What if one of them stage-dives you?

-Oh, I hadn't thought about that.

-Exactly!

Won't last. It's a flash in the pan.

True.

Amber will get bored.

Now I'm going to teach you the secret Temper Hearts symbol.

-OK, Stand up. You need plenty of room.

-OK.

Temper Heart...heart!

Temper Heart...heart!

Temper heart-heart,

slide-bop-slide-bop-slide-bop-slide,

knee-knee, double knee,

knee-knee,

heart-heart,

Temper Heart-heart!

OK, now you go.

5,6,7,8, Temper Hearts,

Temper Hearts, Temper Hearts,

-knee-knee, double knee, knee-knee, double knee.

-Whoa...

Yes! Temper Hearts Temper Hearts, Temper...

Oh!

Baa, bah, baa...bah!

Let's try it again.

Sharon, he's happy in his room.

That's because he doesn't know any better. He's like a battery hen.

-I must release him.

-Yeah, but he doesn't want releasing.

He's like a hen who actually likes being cooped up.

He just needs to be tempted out.

There must be something in here we can use.

Yeah, but I really think we should just leave him.

This is about family fun, spending time together!

I will not give up.

Sharon? Sharon!

Meanwhile, we can have fun. How about a plug-wiring race?

I'm going to that movie with Lauren. Tonight.

No sweat. Soon as Amber hears the Temper Tarts, she'll come running.

Danny on bass...

Mickey, lead guitar...

Er, Matt, backing vocals and drums.

Er, don't tell me, it's on the tip of my tongue.

Nathan! Nathan on lead vocals!

Argh!

Listen to them.

Who in their right minds would want to put themselves through that?

In their right minds...

Oh, I'm such an idiot!

Right now, Lauren's in there,

-infecting Amber with the zombie virus!

-What?

While we're just sitting here, letting it happen.

She'll be well into stage one - first contact!

Is that bad?

Or even stage two - obsession.

Stop it. You're scaring me.

We have to go in and check if it's OK...

and hope it's not too late.

OK, important fact about the band members.

-Who?

-Nathan.

-Lips?

-Mick...Danny!

-Matt's favourite food?

-Buffalo wings.

Mickey's girlfriend's name?

-Trick question, he doesn't have one.

-Yet!

OK, you might be ready. Which album do you want to listen to first?

Temper Heart-broken, or Everything Dies?

Er... The first one?

The first track comes from a really tough place in their history.

-It's a pretty hard listen.

-Right.

# We all feel

# The same emotion... #

Ah, that's nice, isn't it?

Oh, yeah, it's very, uh, very romantic...

..and dramatic.

Yeah, it's not bad.

Oh, who am I kidding? It's flaming brilliant!

Temper Heart-heart!

Temper Heart-heart!

Too late - she's well into stage two.

-Obsession?

-Come on, let's go.

No, wait - we can't just leave her here like this!

There's nothing we can do.

-Dad, cover your ears!

-Whuh!

Am I evil?

Yes.

OK. Am I trying to destroy the life

of an innocent young boy?

Yes!

I've got it.

I'm you.

Craig...

Ah, good shot, Craig!

Bring it on. You won't win.

Yes! I win.

I'm not getting that...

I won't lie to you - this is bad.

She's well into stage two.

Or maybe even stage three - Temper Hearts Fever!

How many stages are there?

What's the fourth one?

You don't want to know...

Oh, Dad, this is all your fault!

What did you have planned for tonight?

Oh, it was going to be great!

A really nice tea...

Um, put a CD on...

Some mood lighting...

Dad! Amber rides a motorbike.

She... She likes thrills, adventure!

-Olives..

-Newsflash!

If you want to get Amber's attention back,

you have to up your game.

I don't know, Millie, it's just a band.

Maybe we're overreacting...

I heard them discussing who has the cutest nose.

Was it me?

OK, something special, something exciting...

I know!

Hm?

Who's your favourite then?

Him. Matt, the drummer.

-Shut up...

-No, you shut up.

Why'd you like him, then?

Don't know, really. He's sort of down to earth,

-To be honest, he reminds me of Tony.

-Dad?

Yeah, you know, no front.

What you see is what you get.

Scruffy, but nice.

-Whatevs...

-Hmm.

KNOCK AT DOOR

OMG.

What are you wearing?

Oh, this?

Just thought I'd try out a new look,

you know, keep things fresh,

exciting, er...

-Spontaneous!

-..spontaneous...

fresh... I've said fresh.

Er... Romantic.

You look like you're off to play clarinet at a tea party.

It was my Uncle Billy's.

Oh, what's that smell?

Mothballs.

Dad, we are busy.

Amber, I've made a reservation at a posh restaurant.

They'll think you're the waiter!

Oh, Tony, that's really sweet of you,

but I've said I'll go with Lauren.

-Oh, but...

-So, laters!

Maybe you can find a job being a snooker referee.

TONY SIGHS

What is he like?

Bless.

That went well(!)

'But why would she do that?

'And how did she know I'd be here?

'Oh, Beth... Bethy, open the door!'

-I've seen this one.

-Sh-sh-sh...

-He did it.

-# La-la-la-la... #

He did, he follows her to the hospital, right, and then he...

Shhh!

Are you going to talk to him?

-About what?

-He's spoiling Family Fun Day!

He doesn't mean it. He's like a snowflake.

He's unique and complex and...

Cold?

No, if you try to catch him on your tongue, he just melts away.

Yeah, it's a lovely image, but he's not a snowflake.

He's a teenage boy.

And somebody needs to set him some solid boundaries.

Yeah.

You?

No, you!

You go in there, you be firm with him, you be stern with him

and you nip this in the bud,

before it blossoms into a poisonous shrub!

OK.

You need to pull your socks up, matey!

No, I don't.

Oh, right you are.

OK, Craigster. How about you choose what we do next?

I have an idea.

Hurry up, or we're going to miss the gig!

Oh, calm down, I'm almost ready!

-Whoa!

-LAUREN GIGGLES

What's on your face?

-"I heart Temper Hearts" here...

-Uh-huh.

..and "Temper Hearts number one fan" here.

But you're not the Temper Hearts' number one fan.

You only listened to them this afternoon.

AMBER HISSES

PHONE BEEPS

OMG! Status update from Nathan!

Oh, my gosh, what does it say?

He says he's looking forward to meeting all the fans!

Aww!

That's so like him.

He's like the band's biggest fan!

Oh... Wait, so he's a fan of himself?

-Yeah!

-THEY GIGGLE

OK, hang on a sec!

Have you really thought about this?

-Let's go!

-I'm so excited!

HIGH-PITCHED GIGGLES

Stage three. No question.

I'm not sure I can handle stage four.

Come on, Cinderella.

Oh, no - I'm out of foam balls!

Right, here's the plan of action.

You cause a distraction and I'll flank him.

I thought you were going to say we're going to behave like adults

and not descend into his behaviour?

Oh, I'd love to. But he started it!

Be careful out there!

Craigster?

Soldier! Don't fire, I need a word.

Tell him to drop his weapon!

She can't tell me what to do, she's not my mum.

Easy, soldier.

Now, now. How do you win a war? Eh? Eh?

Um... Advanced weapons...

Robot soldiers, obviously...

No, communication.

And robot soldiers.

Now, the terrain may have changed,

but we're all on the same side, yeah?

So let's just get the dance mat out,

make her happy and we can end this.

Gotcha! Hands up.

I'm unarmed!

Well, that is a major fail.

All right.

One go.

But I'm not holding back -

I'm busting my moves.

It's so unfair! You had plans.

They can't just leave you at home, because they have rubbish taste!

Well, they need their excitement.

You've been left out. They've abandoned you!

You've been tossed aside, like week-old pants.

That's a bit harsh.

What if you wanted to have a fun night, too?

What if you wanted Amber to like you?

What if you wanted to see Ghost Clan 4

and you've been looking forward to it for weeks?

Oooh. Someone's caught the dreaded Jealousy Virus.

I have not!

Bit jelly? Eh? Green jelly?

Lime flavour, maybe?

Stop it!

It's just...

Why didn't Amber take me to the movie?

Why did she have to go off with stupid Lauren?

She wanted to take both of you out.

She just saw an opportunity for Lauren to get to know her a bit.

Is it...

that she likes Lauren better?

Millie! No way, Jose.

She thinks you're both ace.

Lauren's way more exciting than me.

Get away! You?

You're into ghost girls. You go hunting with crossbows.

How exciting is that?

Mega.

Way better than dumb boy bands.

"Ahh! Boy bands, ha-ha-ha!"

"Oh, I've got floppy hair and I think I'm deep!"

Look, tell you what, I'll take you to the movie.

Thanks, but I still kind of want to go with Lauren.

Yeah, fair enough.

What are you doing?

There you go.

Oh, Dad, wow!

It's beautiful.

Wait - is this your mood lighting?

Yeah, and the candles.

And what was for tea?

Lobster dinner for two.

A lobster? What lobster?!

Here we go...

This lobster!

"Hello, I'm Amber's favourite!"

I've been planning it for weeks.

And the music?

ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Dad!

What?

-Uhh!

-Never point a loaded lobster at anyone.

Dad, it's perfect.

It shows how spontaneous and romantic you are.

It's exactly the kind of thing Amber would love, you muppet!

Why didn't you say?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

Come on, it might not be too late.

What, you think we can still catch them?

Worth a try.

You're right. What have we got to lose?

Ha-ha! Come on.

Wait, Dad?

Dad!

FAST DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

And with that, she wins again!

Yes, yes, yes!

How? How did you do that?

# My hips don't lie... #

Yep, you got to admit it, she did thrash us.

-But well played though, Craigmeister.

-In your face!

-OK, let's leave it at that point, I think.

-What?

I'm sorry, "leave it there"? Are you crazy?

You can't just stop playing.

What about cards?

I will whup you at cards.

Are you saying you want to challenge the victor?

-Maybe I am.

-Challenge accepted!

It's been great, but I think its about time

Craig got back to decapitating some Aliens, so...

I'm sorry, Mike, but he is asking for it.

Bring it on.

What's it going to be? Snap or Crazy Eights?

EXCITED SCREAMS

Come on, Amber! Hurry up, we've got the tickets.

Hurry up!

Doors closed four seconds ago.

No, no, no - we've got tickets.

Sorry madam, VIP guest list only.

No, that's ridiculous! That's a sham!

I bet these celebrities aren't even real fans!

I bet they don't even know who's got the best lips!

Is that my T-shirt?!

Look, Amber, I think you've taken this Temper Heart thing

a little too far, right?

They are my thing.

That's your thing.

There they are. Quick!

It's OK, Amber, you've just got some kind of zombie virus.

What are you doing here? And why do you smell like prawns?

I... I just wanted to say,

-there's no such thing as a boring night in, with you around.

-Aw.

You make things...

special.

-Aw.

-Awwww....

That's why I was going to cook a romantic dinner for the two of us.

I didn't tell you, because I wanted it to be a surprise.

It was going to be lobster!

That's very romantic...

and also slightly scary.

Trust me - you do not want to miss this.

Come here, you.

So, about this gig?

Dad, it's VIP only, they won't let us in!

Don't say anything.

No. I'd be gutted if it was Ghost Clan.

Plus, the Temper Hearts

shouldn't miss out on meeting their biggest fan.

You know what, Millie's right. You are going to that gig. Come on.

Right, I'll tackle the bouncer

and your dad can smash the door in with his head.

-Got it.

-Yeah. Actually,

I've got a better idea.

But I'm going to need your help.

Please let me in, I've camped out all night.

I told you - VIPs only.

Oh my gosh, look who it is!

I'm sorry, no photos, no photos!

VIPs only, madam.

Excuse me?

Do you know who this is?

This is Lady Dada!

She's Nathan's girlfriend!

No-one told me.

She's not on the list.

Excuse me...

Excuse me. Trev?

-Trev, is it?

-Ron.

-Ron.

Ron, they're telling me that Nathan's girlfriend's round here somewhere.

You seen her?

Yep, OK, I've got this.

Let's go. I've got it.

There you go, madam.

'The Temper Hearts!'

CHEERING

'Hello, Scotland!'

-Snap!

-Snap! Snap...

-Is it over? Did we win?

-Get in!

Yes. 26 to 24.

Final victory to me.

You're not bad, for an old lady.

Eh, well, you're pretty good, for a stinky teenager.

I'm totally...rad!

"Rad"?

Right, great, can we go to bed, cos...

Do you know how to play Cheat?

Is Paris a city?

Come on, Mike. You can deal.

Go on.

Oh!

-There you go.

-Thank you.

AMBER GASPS

-ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

-Aw.

-I can't believe you planned all this on your own.

-Nothing, really.

We can still go out every now and then.

No-one has ever done anything like this for me before.

-Are you not eating?

-No.

I couldn't wrestle the other lobster back off Lauren.

-Oh.

-Any chance I can have a claw?

-Yeah!

Maybe I was a little bit jealous of Lauren and Amber.

And I guess you don't see it when you've caught the Jealousy Virus.

But now Amber's borrowed Ghost Clan off me.

And where would Lauren be, if I wasn't around to save the day?

At least I'm not delusional, like she is.

Oi, bumface!

Do you want to touch my lucky lobster?

Ugh, no!

You know you can't keep it, it's starting to smell.

Are you kidding?

I'm going to put it in the freezer for ever!

Nathan signed it.

You're probably the first person ever with autographed seafood.

Aw, thanks, Millie.

That gig was so awesome!

Do you know what I feel like doing now?

Listening to their album all over again!

Why do you never have a crossbow when you need one?!