Mobile Wars Millie Inbetween

MUSIC: Undercover Martyn by Two Door Cinema Club

You know what? Things aren't too bad.

-I mean, it's not totally perfect. Lauren is still...

-What?

And Mum and Mike are still way too...

But we're all sort of, kind of, getting used to each other.

And it's all sort of, kind of, working!

Ugh!

But every silver lining has its cloud.

-What?

-What?

-What do you want?

-What do you want?

You all right, Craig?

Yeah, good, thanks, Dad.

Just telling Lauren how much I love spending time with her

and her new family.

Awh! That's really great, Craig.

Hey, I'm going to the shops later, if you fancy coming.

Yeah, maybe. I'll have to check I've done all my homework first.

What is this?

Duh! A phone!

Duh! What is this? The Stone Age?

Duh! Then it would be made of stone.

Let me take a picture, for the phone museum.

It's not fair, I want a smartphone.

-Mum! Aw, Mum. Look.

-No.

Why not?

No. You are not getting a new phone.

-But every...

-"..body else has got one!"

But they do!

When I was a little girl, I wanted a My Little Pony

and that's the day I found out that life isn't fair.

But, Mike....

No. That is my final answer.

Well, what's in it for me?

You can borrow it.

I've got a phone.

-It's a smartphone.

-I'm smart enough already.

But you can go on the internet on it.

You can look at history. Isn't that what you're into?

Or is it space? Or dinosaurs? Space dinosaurs?

Wait, are dinosaurs from space?

Yes, Lauren. Yes, they are.

Mind. Blown.

OK, I'll do it!

-But I get to use it for two hours every day.

-One hour.

-An hour and a half.

-Two hours.

-Deal.

Wait a minute!

-Come on, Shaz! We're only going to the shops.

-Coming.

She's just doing her hair.

So, you OK?

Do you...want anything?

It's about Lauren.

-Sorted.

-How?!

I told Mike without equal phones, it would be impossible for you

and Craig to properly bond.

Wow. And he believed that?

Mike's very keen on us bonding.

With Craig??

I bonded with you, so anything's possible.

Whatever. As long as it gets me a new smartphone, I'm in.

Good. Now, can you act surprised?

-Huh!

-OK, maybe not that surprised.

Guess what we got?

A phone!

What?! I thought she couldn't afford a new phone.

Mike used the money he'd set aside for his new core ball to buy

Lauren a phone she didn't need!

Yeah, yeah, it's reconditioned. I got it off Derek down the gym.

Really?

-Yeah, come on, let's go and set it up.

-OK.

My very own smartphone. This is literally the best day ever!

Oh, no. It's not working! This is literally the worst day ever!

We've got some instructions.

Whew! They're all in squiggles.

-It's Mandarin.

-Duh!

It'll never work now!

"Ni de dian hua, yi cha ru dao dian nao,

"ni jiu xu yao an xia kong zhi jian." Hmm.

Wow. What is that in English?

-I don't know.

-Aw.

Just kidding! It just means press control, alt, delete.

Initialising.

No!

Sorted.

It works! That's genius, you're totes amazing.

Thanks, Mum! Thanks, Mike!

Oh, he got you a phone, did he? That's great. Well done, Mike.

Oh, Lauren, sorry, got to go, Amber and the kids are here.

I know I said I'd be there but I meant the team.

We're having a DVDathon.

I realise it's not quite the same thing.

OK, I'll see what I can do. Bye.

I'm sure he is totes epic, yeah. Bye.

-That's a lot of DVDs.

-I'm so sorry.

Hopefully, it won't be tonight, but one of my patients is due

and she really wants me there. Can you forgive me?

-Don't do that!

-I'm sorry.

-Don't. It's fine.

I'm sure we'll all be...

Jake, that's my pelvis!

If that's your pelvis, how are you still standing up?

It's a model, so that I can show my clients how to...

And I think I've got it!

OK, Fran, you can choose the first movie.

We can watch five movies before bed.

-Are you ready?

-Yeah, I'm ready. Are you ready?

KIDS: Bring it on.

Come on, come on, come on. Come on. Oh, this is amazing.

Yes! Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Say, "meatballs!"

MUSIC: Undercover Martyn by Two Door Cinema Club

What are you doing now?

Just, you know, taking some photos.

Choosing a filter, something to make tea look edible.

Jokes, jokes.

MOBILE RINGS Hey. No way!

Right, but Meena said she did not trust Kylie any more

because Kylie totally gossips about Meena behind her back.

I know! And then Tina said that then she turned round to Kylie

and then Kylie had been the one that kissed James.

I know!

I mean, who twerks any more?! It's just so sad.

I know!

And Meena said that she was just totally sick of it.

Because, you know, they are meant to be best friends.

It was just completely rude and...

This. Has. To. Stop.

-What?

-Lauren. The phone. The selfies. The game. The gossip.

I am trying to sleep!

-Just leave her, she'll get bored.

-Not Lauren.

You are in charge around here

and it's about time you took some responsibility.

Good point, have a word with her.

Oh, no. You own this mess.

She's your daughter!

Not fair, I never wanted her to have the phone in the first place.

Life is unfair!

And whilst you're living under this roof, you have to provide us

with certain boundaries.

Is that clear?

-BOTH: Yes, Millie.

-Right.

I just think it's a bit soon for me to be disciplining your daughter.

Well, you should've thought of that before you made yourself

the phone fairy.

SCARY MOVIE SOUNDS

-It's a spider!

-Ah!

-Sorry.

Don't. I am seriously afraid of spiders. Arachnophobia.

It's a pelvis.

Pelvophobia!

I used to collect spiders.

MOBILE RINGS

Lizzie? Don't worry, I'm here. OK, just remember the breathing.

I'll be there right away. Well, if it hurts, shout at Trevor.

Well, shout louder!

Babies on the runway.

-Babies?

-Yep, triplets.

Eugh! Eugh! Eugh!

I've got to go. Could be a while.

Wait! It's never been just the three of us before!

You're an experienced parent. What do you let the girls do?

-Whatever they want.

-OK, maybe don't try that with Jake.

Just do what I do, go with your instincts. Be creative!

Yeah. Good. And what else?

Let go of my arm.

-Enjoy!

-Bye.

There comes a time when an adult has to decide, am I a pushover?

Or do I want respect?

A pushover's way easier.

While you're living under this roof,

I need to provide you with certain boundaries.

Sorry, what are you talking about?

-That!

-On my phone? Oh, I know, it's great! Thank you.

No problem, but... It's the noise, the texts, the calls.

It's all a bit much.

Wait, are you telling me off?

No! No, no, no... Sort of. Yes.

It's a phone. That's what it's for.

You were told you weren't allowed to use it in bed.

Tegan called me! I couldn't not answer. That'd be rude.

Hand it over.

What?! That's, like, a violation of my human rights!

Give me the phone.

You can't tell me what to do. You're not my dad!

No, but I'm your mum's boyfriend.

Partner. Significant other. I'm an adult!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, Natalie! I know, did you see Jade's selfie? It was totally insane.

Natalie, is it?

I'm afraid Lauren will no longer be available on this number.

-Mike!

-No, I'm her mum's partner. Mike, yes.

-I wouldn't say I was that cool but...

-I hate you!

LAUREN SHRIEKS

-Right. I think it's time for bed.

-Night, then.

-No, I meant...

Guys! Guys! Who's up for Burp Wars?

OK. No. Thank you. Right, off to bed, both of you.

The sofa's really lumpy.

We hate it.

You're in the girls' room. When they're not here, that's your room.

Great! So can we move stuff around, then?

Well, no. Yes. No.

So it isn't our room then, is it?

It is! Honestly! I want you to feel at home here!

Maybe we could move a few things around.

Add some stuff to jazz it up a bit?

If you want to make us feel at home here.

I'm not sure I've got anything...

Leave it to me. Come on, Jake, let's get on with it.

-Thanks. You're the best new dad ever.

-Thanks.

She might have overreacted because you overreacted.

And taking it off her was a bit heavy.

And you should never, ever embarrass them in front of their friends.

But, apart from that...

Dealing with teenage girls, it's like learning to swim

and you've thrown me in the deep end with no water wings.

I never had these problems with Craig

because he was always such a good kid.

Hi, son.

I'm hungry.

-Craig!

-Night, mate.

-Mike!

-What?

-Craig!

-What?

-The mess! Cake, everywhere!

Bless him. I'll just sweep it up for him.

Sharon, I really need you to have a word with Lauren.

I don't want to be the bad cop. I don't want to be a cop at all.

I want us all to be friends.

Well, we can't always get what we want.

And I never wanted her to have the phone in the first place.

Yeah, you did mention that.

I just really wanted her to bond with Craig.

If I go in now, you'll look like weak cop.

Where is the phone, anyway?

It's in my top-secret hiding place.

I'll give it back to her in the morning. Lesson learned.

Job done.

See? You've got lots of stuff.

Jake, is that my bedspread?

No, I wouldn't take your bedspread! It's your curtains.

OK, that's enough.

You're right, it's plenty. Now we can get started.

-Oh, no...

-I'll tell you what,

we'll do a little bit now, a few tiny changes,

and then we'll go to bed and finish it in the morning. Sound fair?

I guess so.

You relax. I've got this.

Come on, put your feet up.

Maybe just for a moment.

OK, Mike, I'm sorry.

Can I have my phone back now, please?

Well, as long as you've learnt something.

And we know what FAIL stands for, don't we?

Finding An Important Lesson.

Yes, Mike.

-It's gone!

-What?!

I don't understand! It was in my top-secret hiding place.

ALL: It was in your gym bag?

Everybody knows where your top-secret hiding place is.

-But where's my phone?!

-Right, you lot stay here. I'll find it.

-OK, but...

-Nobody move.

I've found it.

Thank goodness. Where was it?

Under a mattress!

Whose mattress?

Who took it?

It was Millie.

What was?

OMG! You are so dead!

Shiny thing.

All this because I borrowed Lauren's pens? Sorry.

You took my phone from Mike's top-secret hiding place.

His gym bag? No, I didn't.

Motive, jealousy. Of my new phone!

-I'm not!

-OMG! She texted people! She texted people from my phone, look!

But I didn't. Why would I even do that?

My friends are going to think I've been gossiping about them!

Well, that's going to come as a shock.

And I don't think it was Craig

-because, look, he would never say THAT about himself.

-What?

-Millie.

-What is it?!

Best not to look.

I am not what you get when you cross a boy with a bog brush!

Thanks a lot, Millie.

I actually think this is one of your better haircuts.

Millie, I think you owe my son an apology.

It wasn't me!

Then go to your room.

Fine, I'll go to my room,

but I'm not going to say sorry, because I didn't do anything.

And you are not my dad!

Oh!

Oh.

Mum should have known it wasn't me.

Under my own mattress? Please.

Everyone knows the best place to hide stuff is in

the airing cupboard.

So, I've been set up. And there are only four suspects.

Mike? Nah, too nice.

Mum? Well, she probably worked out it was me

who talked Mike into getting Lauren the phone.

We can't always get what we want.

I never wanted her to have the phone in the first place.

And if she was mad, she would just make me do chores all day.

Lauren?

She could have easily put it under my mattress when I was asleep.

Not her style. She'd just steal something back.

So that leaves Craig. But why?

There was the thing with the washing machine where his best outfit

got shrunk and dyed pink

when I accidentally washed it with my stuff.

And he's clever enough to have sent those texts to himself as a decoy.

Just!

That is genius. It was him!

Well, now it's payback time.

Your mum's going to be mad because you've been up all night.

And Lauren and Millie are going to be mad because of all this.

And everyone's going to be mad at me.

About Mum.

You don't think she'll be mad? You think she'll be fine?

Because normally

-she's quite relaxed about this kind of thing, isn't she?

-Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

I think she'll be really mad.

Oh! Looks much better in the light.

It was you. You stole the phone and then framed me.

I worked it out.

You can't prove anything, Sherlock. See ya.

I know you took the phone from Mike's gym bag.

I'll find proof!

You'll see. I will!

I am here, you know.

Not to me you're not.

This is weird. Look, I know I'm not your dad, but...

Well, maybe you should stop acting like my dad.

Well, that includes not giving you a really cool, new phone.

Yeah, well, if you hadn't taken my phone off me

then Millie wouldn't have been able to steal it!

So you're just going to ignore me?

-That's the plan.

-Fine.

Fine.

-You two all right?

-BOTH: Fine!

I hate all this arguing.

It's bad enough living in a house with a thief.

A piece of cake. Mike would never eat cake.

Unless they made a cabbage cake.

Now, who do we know who eats all the time?

Proof! But in case it isn't enough...

Insurance.

MOBILE VIBRATES

Proof?

I'm back!

-Hey!

-Hey.

-Hi, how's things? How are you? How are the triplets?

Everything fine?

Yeah. There was a lot of crying and screaming.

Well, that's triplets for you.

No, that was the husband. Mother and babies did fabulously.

So, we've had a quiet night here. Nothing's happened.

Nothing to worry about, anyway. So how are you?

I just told you. Why've you got paint in your hair?

Because nothing's happened, because everything's fine.

Nothing happened?!

You've got nothing on me.

-Cake. In Mike's gym bag?!

-So?

A) Mike doesn't eat cake.

B) It's Mum's ginger cake, so ugh.

And C) you were eating it all day yesterday.

You totally got me. Well done, Millie. So I guess I'll...

What you doing with my evidence??

I'm eating it! Heh.

What about the size ten trainer footprint under my bed?

So I'll get in trouble - big whoop.

The big whoop is, if I turn you in, I'll have beaten you - again!

And then your dad will be gutted. He thinks you're so great.

But now he's going to find out who you really are.

Shut up! Just shut up!

-You can't tell him.

-I'm not carrying the can for this!

I want to know why you did it!

-So you'll get in trouble.

-What?

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you, Lauren, your mum, my dad.

You think you're one big happy family.

You even eat in sync. It's freaky!

You're jealous.

I'm not jealous, shorty.

Yeah, cos we all get along.

Me, Lauren, Mum and your dad, we all have a laugh together.

But you're not a part of it.

Yeah, you're right. Well done, Sherlock.

You got your sister, your mum...

your dad and that other really weird family.

All I've got is my dad. And you're not having him.

Just talk to her!

I tried that!

Well, try listening!

Oh, I know. OK, call me later. Love you. Bye.

Fancy bumping into you here.

-Yeah, we live in the same house, unfortunately.

-Quick word?

Right. The thing is, this family is weird.

In that I don't know how to deal with you and Millie.

I saw red because you weren't listening, which was my fault.

I couldn't explain... I was trying to say...

Something funny on your phone?

No. You. Do you even know what you're saying?

Not really. But at least you're talking to me.

OK. It just feels like

you're this random guy, coming in, trying to push us around.

I can see how that could be annoying.

Yeah! But you did buy me the phone.

Which was so nice of you.

But I went way over the top when I snatched it from you and I'm sorry.

-Should I say sorry, too?

-If you like.

-Well, I am. Really.

-See, it's much better when we talk like this.

-Yeah.

-I'll just try and not use my phone as much. Sorted?

-Sorted.

Oh! Hello, Lauren! I didn't know you were in here!

Just came in to do some dusting.

So, what have you two been talking about, then?

MOBILE RINGS

Right then, anyone up for a cabbage smoothie?

No, but I'll have one with fruit in.

How about you, Sharon?

Yuck! No, thanks. You must be joking.

The kids did this?

I can explain.

OK. I can't explain.

They must have found some stuff and I must've fallen asleep

and... They're fine! So...

You let them redecorate?

No. I didn't know they were going to paint the walls and

put wallpaper up!

I've only got one thing to say.

-You are so lovely.

-What?!

-To let them do this.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You let them go a bit too far, but you made them feel at home.

-You are brilliant.

-Yeah, I am.

-The girls are going to go mad, aren't they?

-Yep.

Yep, I'm afraid they are.

Hi. I've got something to tell you.

It's all right. I just wanted to say...

No! It was me and I'm sorry.

Mike got Lauren something new and I was jealous.

But I shouldn't have taken the phone, I really am sorry.

I'll let you get away with it this time.

But you owe me.

It's just difficult sometimes. Like, how we all fit in and that.

Am I forgiven?

Mm-hm. Of course you are.

So this time, you win.

Nah, not really.

The phone trick worked. Sending that text to yourself? Bog brush.

That was a touch of class.

Yeah. It was, wasn't it?

Frenemies?

We're getting there. We're sort of, kind of, getting there.

Your pants are showing!