Head to Head Millie Inbetween

Craig has never been down before noon on a Saturday before.

We didn't realise how lucky we were.

Why are you in such a hurry?

-Mind your own business.

-My what?

Business. B-I-Z...

N-E-S.

It's spelled B-U-S-I-N-E-S-S.

Since when did you swallow a dictionary?

I've been practising for the school Spell-Olympics.

Ooh. What's the Smell Olympics?

The SPELL-Olympics. It's a big school spelling C-O-N-T-E-S-T.

Whoa. Can anyone spell freak?

L-A-U-R-E-N.

Ha! She spelled your name.

Craig, you've got a little something on you there.

Hippopotamus.

H-I-P-P-O-P-O-T-A-M-U-S.

-Amazing!

-A-M-A-Z...

-No, I mean that is amazing.

We can cheer you on to spelling glory.

-Go, Millie, go!

-BOTH:

-Stop it.

Mike was the first male cheerleader ever at his school.

That's nothing to be proud of.

I prefer 'male movement motivator' actually. I wonder if

I've still got my hand-held eye attractors in the shed?

-His what?

-His pom-poms.

Right, Craig. Got to go.

Ooh. Where are you two off to?

-To work.

-To fishing!

You're going fishing with Mum?

She is going to work...

..and I am going fishing.

Is it that hard?

Well, have fun fish-working.

Fishy.

Are you really entering that spelling competition?

-Why shouldn't I?

-Well, you should, you're such a word nerd.

But you do know that it's pointless, right? Milo Stott's going to enter

and he always wins. That kid is like a walking spellchecker.

It's not about winning. It's about me.

And about winning.

Eat it up, Millie!

You deserve this, sweetheart!

We are so proud of you!

A-W-E-S-O-M-E!

What do you think? Give me an M!

Give me an Illie!

On second thoughts, you should drop out so no-one ever, ever sees this.

-Hi!

-Hey.

OK. I've got big news!

-Let me guess - you saw a UFO?

-What? No.

-An escaped gorilla?

-An escaped gorilla flying a UFO?

Now that's just silly!

I've decided to enter the school Spell-Olympics

and you can all come to cheer me on.

Millie, that is great that you're entering the Spell-Olympics as well.

-As well as what?

-As well as me.

I signed up yesterday.

You said you weren't bothering, you know, because Milo Stott always wins?

I changed my mind.

But, Fran, this was meant to be my thing.

Mum and Dad were meant to be there just for me.

Hey, I can be there for you both.

One supportive hand each. Come on, Millie! Go on, Fran! Yeah!

Spell it, girls!

Maybe if I train hard enough I'll beat everyone.

Now Fran, it's the taking part that counts, not the winning.

Unless it's, you know, The Hunger Games.

I want everyone to win.

Oh, yeah. Except for that Milo what's-his-face.

Look, whatever happens, we'll be proud of you both.

One big happy family.

Come on. Cheesy smiles all round, everyone.

Great. I just wanted Dad to myself for once.

You not going to take your coat off?

I don't want Lauren to see this. It's embarrassing.

I'm young. I've got a reputation to think of.

-How was fishing?

-Yeah, wicked, thanks. Caught, like, 40 fish.

Plus this massive, great...

-..shark-thing.

-Sounds like a whopper.

-Where were you really today?

-Fishing.

I just told you.

Who died and made you Sherlock?

A clue!

Oh, it's a hairnet.

-Oh, thanks, babe.

-There you go.

I hope the girls don't get too competitive.

Well, if Millie's anything like me, she won't be competitive at all.

Well, if Fran's anything like me, she hasn't got

a competitive bone in her body, so.

I mean, when it came to competitions,

I was always like, "Yeah, whatever."

Yeah, me too. I mean, who cares who's best or wins?

Winning's overrated. I honestly couldn't care less about winning.

-I bet you don't care as little as I do.

-I bet I do.

-I bet you don't.

-You're being competitive right now.

-Well, so are you.

-Oh, we are so not getting involved.

-Oh, I couldn't agree more.

S-P-E-L!

-We're going to spell and spell it well!

-Dad!

Please! I'm trying to eat.

-I've memorised everything from aardvark to coelacanth.

-Coelacanth?

It's an incredibly rare fish.

Yeah, I caught five of them.

-I just need a wee rest.

-Don't push yourself, love.

You don't have to win.

Remember what Gandhi said,

"Winning isn't the only thing, it's everything."

-Mike!

-Sorry, Sharon.

Don't listen to your mother, Millie. Always go for the win. Always.

What is this?

Er, Craig? Lauren's found your hairnet.

I've never seen one of those before in my life.

Why was it in your pocket then?

Because...

it's a fishing...

net. Duh.

-Just tell her!

-Yeah, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Craig.

Oh, says the pom-pom king.

We're proud of you, Craig. Be proud of yourself.

You got a weekend job at Sunnyshopper!

-He's on the bread counter.

-He's a dough boy.

It's not just bread!

It's cakes and pastries, too.

See, this is why people can't know where I work. It's embarrassing!

I need to get a job somewhere cool.

What about in the freezer aisle?

Hey, Craig. Can I get a price check on how red you've gone?

Leave him alone.

I think it's great you've got a job, son.

In fact, I think it's a miracle.

Yeah. A job where I have to dress up like a clown

and get breadcrumbs in my boxers.

"Clean up in checkout six."

How does he get breadcrumbs in his pants?

Urgh. Best not to think about it, really.

-Hi.

-Hey. How's the training going?

Not too B-A-D. You?

-OK. Spelled O-K.

-Spelling jokes. Nice.

You know, it's not like either of us are going to win anyway

thanks to Milo Stott.

You didn't hear the news? He's pulled out.

-What? You mean...

-The competition's wide open.

Who is this dude anyway?

He's the alpha geek. Biggest word genius in school.

He's won the Spell-Olympics the last three times.

If he's not entering it means one of us

actually stands a chance of winning.

Imagine how proud my dad would be then?

You'd have to beat me first.

Remember, guys, it's not about the winning.

-BOTH:

-We know, we know.

Biohazard!

How long's it been since you cleaned out the fridge?

Never.

So what's with the frowny face?

Nothing. I just wish you could help me with my spelling.

Now, Amber and I agreed to stay neutral, remember?

Like the blue wire in a plug.

I know. It just doesn't seem fair.

I only entered to make you and Mum proud.

Oh, love. I am.

But maybe I could help a little.

I mean, what trouble have words ever got anyone into, eh?

No. If Fran can do this without help, then so can I.

And that's why I'm so proud of you.

But if you change your mind, I'll be here standing by

ready to help my little girl.

My big grown-up girl.

Help with what?

-Cooking.

-Homework.

Cooking or homework?

-Cookery homework!

-I've got to make...

-scones.

-Pizza.

You know, my own recipe.

Main course and pudding all in the one.

Basically, you get a pizza

and you shove it up inside a scone. Like a pastry turducken.

So, your dad wasn't offering to help you train

for the spelling competition then, no, Millie?

As if!

Good. Because we said it should just be a bit of fun, remember? F-U-N?

Like I'm going to forget that.

Speaking of fun, I'd better get back to cleaning the fridge.

Amber's not helping Fran,

so it's only right that I climb the spell mountain alone.

Maybe I can help Dad clean out the fridge instead.

Does anyone want to guess what this used to be?

Urgh.

Maybe not.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

-TELEVISION:

-'The latest comments on the latest trends

'in the world of sensuous shoes.

'Fashion is our field and fun is our theme this season...'

Good day at work?

How did you know I was home?

The smell of freshly baked bread?

Nah! I spent about half an hour at work

trying to scrub the bread smell off.

-Hi, love!

-Hi, Mum.

I was just about to tell Craig about what a great day I've had.

Just chilling, chatting with my friends,

I did my nails and ate a whole bowl of fudge butter popcorn.

Well, in that case,

-you won't be wanting any of this.

-What's that?

Stock from work that's about to go out of date.

Or as I call it - swag!

Craig's such a hard worker. He's very good with the elderly.

Yeah, my boss said he could take his pick.

Yeah, great if you like out of date food

that's going to make you unhealthy.

Do you prefer icing when it's free?

Because I do.

Yeah. Well. Enjoy your old doughnut.

Try not to choke on it.

Concrete.

C-O-N-C-R...

E-E-T?

E-T-E! You've got to be rock solid on concrete.

Oh! You're helping her.

We are so B-U-S-T-E-D.

Hang on a second. You were offering to help Millie.

-With her pizza scones.

-Yeah, and I'm a rubber duck.

OK, but she refused my offer.

And if you're helping Fran, then I'm helping Millie.

What, so your daughter can beat my daughter?

-You started it.

-Well, you started it first.

Right. Well.

May the best speller win.

Yeah? Well, bring it on!

No, you bring it on!

Sheesh! If I acted like them

I'd be on the time-out step.

Heya, hiya!

Ah, you're making a banner. Millie's going to love that.

Oh, I hope so.

Nice. How was work?

Awesome. I got free food, cash, and a granny pinched my cheek!

And for an old woman, she had quite the grip.

Still, ta for getting me the job.

Oh, yeah. Well, you're welcome, Craig.

He actually said,

"Thanks."

And I think he meant it.

You thirsty?

No. I'm just checking I'm not dreaming.

No. It's real.

What are you doing?

Making flash cards to train you.

Right, spell pressure. Quick!

What happened to "just a bit of fun"?

Team Fran changed the rules on that so we're all in.

What's it going to be, Millie? Are we going to win this thing?

Or are we going to win this thing big time?

This is what I wanted - Dad all to myself.

I mean, what's the worst that can happen, right?

Don't answer that. We are going to win this big time!

-Attagirl!

-Yeah.

Seriously, they even make him wear a hairnet!

-I know, I know, I know!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Go away!

Call you later.

Look who it is - the Mighty Bread Boy.

Thicker than a wholemeal bap.

You seen my new signature edition Hi-Soles?

I just bought them with what we workers call our wages.

Pretty cool, eh?

Yeah, gloating isn't big or mature, Craig.

And I don't care, so...

Yeah. Nothing says "I care" more than a slammed door.

Why don't I have a job?

-Honesty.

-H-O-N-E-S-T-Y.

-Limb.

-L-I-M-B.

-Yes!

-Dense.

-D-E-N-S-E.

-Good!

-Misspelled.

-M-I-S-S-P-E-L-L...

-Population?

-P-O-P-U-L...

-..E-D.

-Good!

-..I-O-N?

-Good!

-Uh...

-No!

-Erase.

-E-R...

-Extraordinary.

-E-X-T-R-A-O-R-D...

-Juice.

-J-U-I-C-E.

-Good.

-Ankle.

-A-N..

-Tongue.

-T-O...

-Cauliflower.

-C-A...

-Geranium?

-G-E...

-Colander?

-C-O-L...

Pick a word, one more word. Pick a word.

-Goggles. G-O-G-G-L-E-S.

-Yes.

Cavity. C-A-V-I-T-Y.

So much for quality time with Dad.

-G-Y.

-Good. Xylophone?

-Z...

-No! X!

That's the oldest trick in the book!

I need a break! I have a brain melt!

Do you want Tony to win?

I'm not going up against Tony.

I said Millie! Do you want Millie to win?

Look, these two are going all out to beat us

and I don't want you feeling bad about yourself if they do.

I guess you're right.

This is what mums do.

They help their kids achieve their potential

and then they crush their enemies.

That was a joke, obviously.

Xerox.

No, you can't stop. We're only up to X.

There's still W, Y and Z to go.

Dad, I'm pooped.

I thought you wanted to beat Amber to be... To be...

Be your best.

I wanted to feel special and to make you proud.

I am.

I just want my girl to know that her dad cares enough

to make her stay up all night if needs be.

Just give me five minutes. Please?

All right.

But when I come back, we are going to nail 'broccoli',

'accommodation' and 'onomatopoeia.'

What have I done?

Dad's always been like this.

I win! I win! I am the best! Oh, yeah!

And that was only snakes and ladders.

This has to end now.

I need Fran's help.

M-I-L-L-I-E.

She can spell hydroelectricity.

Mike!

However amazing your day at work was,

no matter how many free doughnuts or cheek pinches that you got,

I just don't want to hear it, OK?

-Well, you won't believe what's happened.

-What?

Your son, who I bent over backwards to get a job for, just got fired.

OK. Let's try a tricky one.

Noiselessness.

-Psst. Psst.

-Fran? I'm not hearing noiselessness.

I need to go to the loo. I'm desperate.

OK, fine. But take this with you - P-Z.

I got your note. You're right. This has to stop.

I can barely spell my own name any more.

I've had a year's worth of Dad's devotion at once. It's too much.

Like that time I ate a whole tub of ice cream,

just so Lauren couldn't have any.

Hmm. A whole tub?

It's like they're using us to prove who's the most caring parent.

We have to do something.

-We could lose on purpose so neither of us wins?

-Good idea.

No, but we are such top spellers now. What if we win by accident?

Could that even happen?

OK, misspell rhythm.

Easy! R-H-Y-T-H-M.

No, that's right!

See? Without Milo Stott in the running, anything could happen.

We need him to enter. He's the Usain Bolt of spelling.

I heard he goes to sleep at night listening to a talking dictionary.

What a weirdo!

We can't ask him ourselves, though. He'd get suspicious.

We can't.

But someone else could.

What are you looking at me for?

Milo Stott?

Yes. What of it?

So you got my e-mail?

The one you sent me telling me to burn after reading?

Yes. Who are you?

My name doesn't matter right now.

So let's just call me...

..Jake. I need your help.

A favour?

You dragged me away from conjugating my favourite verbs

to ask for my assistance?

-I need you to re-enter the Spell-Olympics.

-Amateur hour.

It offers me no challenge.

Does the chicken compete with the buffalo at an egg laying contest?

Ooh, I know this one! Don't tell me.

No is the answer. I'm not re-entering.

Would it make a difference if I said please?

It depends.

Beg for me.

-Pretty please?

-More.

Really pretty massive please?

I'm afraid not.

I guess I'll just have to do this then.

What's that?

Just a print out of your online profile.

Special interests -

smelling.

You mean 'spelling'?

Nope. Pretty sure it says...

'smelling.'

That wasn't me.

That was autocorrect!

-This can never get out.

-I know.

I mean, imagine what it would do to your reputation?

Give me that!

Ah, ah, ah! First you agree to re-enter the Spell-Olympics.

Our manager walked into the store room

to find him sleeping on a pile of baps.

They were so soft.

I used a family-sized bloomer for a pillow.

We all get tired at work, Craig.

I can't just go and have a lay down on the choose-your-own salad bar.

Yeah, well, duh! You'd get croutons stuck to your bum.

That's not what I meant.

Oh, Craig.

Unlucky.

No more free food, no more new trainers, lots more grief from me.

Oh, look at the time!

We've got to get to the Spell-Olympics.

Are you putting hairspray on your pom-poms?

My hand held eye attractors, yes.

I want them to look nice.

Oh, Sharon, I finished the banner off for you. Check it out!

Oh, it's great. Except you spelt Millie wrong.

Good job you're not entering the Spell-Olympics.

No-one'll notice. Come on!

Put them down. No, I mean it.

What do you think of my banner?

What do you think of mine?

Oh. It's not about banners anyway.

It's about who's crammed the most words into their heads.

Oh, I think we can safely assume that's me and Fran.

-No half measures.

-Oh, you're going to be eating those words

in a few hours after your daughter's misspelled them all.

-OK, are we ready then?

-Oh, we were born ready, Millie.

May the best girl win.

Agh! I used to be able to do that.

OK. This is it.

Now, winning isn't everything.

It's just the thing we want to avoid at all costs!

-Perseverance.

-P-E-R-S...

Um. ..U...

BUZZER SOUNDS

Incorrect. Next contestant, please.

Result!

Millie, spell cachinnate.

Cachinnate.

Can you define it, please?

Cachinnate. Verb. To laugh out loud.

Is it spelled...

L...

O...

L?

-BUZZER SOUNDS

-Incorrect. Next contestant, please.

-Nice work. You did terribly.

-Thanks. You too!

Do you two even know how to read?

I guess nerves just got the better of us.

This is how it's done.

Milo, could you spell euonym?

-Please. Can I have a hard one?

-LAUGHTER

E-U-O-N-Y-M. Euonym.

Boom!

-Correct!

-APPLAUSE

Too easy.

Too easy.

Too easy!

Too easy.

Look on the bright side, guys. It's the taking part that counts.

I don't get it. We trained you so arduously.

I'm sorry if my motivational movement let you down, Millie.

Don't you mean pom-pom dance?

And I was the one you let down because everyone knew

that you were my dad.

Not bad. Not as stylish as your daddy, though.

I guess we were never going to beat Milo Stott.

Who knew he'd enter at the last minute?

I bet he can spell 'spelling' now!

I concur. He was uncontainable.

Irrepressible.

Why are you two talking like that?

-Like what?

-All those big words.

I guess you picked up a few new words whilst training us?

I'm sorry, Tony.

-Well, I'm not.

-Oh.

I'm remorseful, repentant and contrite.

Hey, I hear they've got a new gorilla at Monkey World.

If you fancy a daddy-daughter day?

That's all I ever wanted.

You loved that job. Why did you throw it away like that?

-I got another job.

-Oh! Are you the new gorilla at Monkey World?

No.

Got a gig at Trainer World.

Yeah, forget out of date free doughnuts. This is the jackpot.

Craig, you know that trainers don't have sell-by dates?

Oh, Craig?

I spoke to the manager at Sunnyshopper.

He's decided to give you another go.

Wait, no, hang on. I'll...

But he thinks that you might be more suited to the meat counter.

So now you get to wear one of these.

That's my boy!

Look on the bright side. Free out of date sausages!

Well, that's everything back to normal.

That's N-O-R-M-A..

Actually, just forget it.

Come on, guys. You know you want to!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

MUSIC: Get Ready For This by 2 Unlimited