Mum v Mum Millie Inbetween

You'll never guess where my mum wants to take us when Dad gets back.

Swimming with dolphins? Chicken Hut?

It's a biker rally, with loads of roary bikes

and hairy, beardy bikers.

It sounds amazing!

-What sounds amazing?

-Amber is taking us to a motorbike rally...

-Except, I don't want to go.

-Except, Fran doesn't want to go.

What?!

Well, I don't blame her. It will be dangerous,

-smelly and full of motorbikes.

-It won't be smelly

or full of motorbi... Well, it WILL be full of them.

-But that's the point.

-And you'll get lost

or kidnapped or tattooed.

Mum, Amber is going to be there. What could go wrong?

Eh, everything I just listed. So, I think it's a no.

Why can't my mum be cool, like yours?

I think mine's a bit TOO cool.

Well, that has to be better than just boring.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

Craig...

..am I boring?

Uncool?

It's just that Millie thinks Amber's cooler than me.

I haven't really met Amber much, but...it's a pretty safe bet.

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La, la-la, la-la, la-la

# La-la, la-la, ahhhh. #

Wow! Sharon.

Morning!

What do you look like this morning?

Mum, what is that?

Oh, yeah, I'm rocking shorts over tights today. There's no big drama.

-I bet Amber does it all the time.

-No, I meant the T-shirt.

I've always liked the Temper Smarts, you know that.

Temper Hearts.

# I'm a boy and you're a girl

# And you make my heart wanna twirl... #

# And your singing makes me want to hurl... #

Mum, that is not the Temper Hearts.

That is Boy Banter. They are zero chill.

Oh, yeah, I like Zero Chill, too.

Mum, it doesn't mean what you think it means!

I've learnt something important recently.

Never call your mum boring... especially when she can hear you.

Yeah? Lovely!

-Yep.

-'Are you having a good time?'

-What are you wearing?!

-This is all we could find.

'Amber?'

No, no. Just getting the kids off to school now. Say hi to Tony.

-BOTH:

-Hi, Tony!

-'How are you doing?

-'Are you getting ready? You should be going.'

-No, we're not late.

-The clock is fast.

-'No, it runs slow!'

-It's slow?

-'Yeah.'

-Is it? Good. I did not know that.

Jake, stop!

We're going to need this.

And Millie reckons HER mum is uncool!

-Honestly, I'm fine.

-'No, I'm checking the train times now.'

Don't. Look, I am completely under control.

-'...there on time.'

-OK, yeah, you just relax.

-'Keep your eye on the ball.'

-Yes, thank you(!) You know what

-I always say?

-'What?'

-Late is great.

'Aye, but early is curly, you know that.'

-It was the other way round yesterday.

-Something has to be done.

-Yeah.

-Wait, Jake! Whoa!

-What's this?

-Chocolate.

-And olives.

Chocolate and olives, I know. Crazy!

Who wants sandwiches?! They're so..boring, aren't they?

-You want to trade your chocolate for my olives?

-This is weird!

-Make it stop!

-Me?

-You must have done something to Mum.

-It's OK, girls,

old people go a bit funny sometimes.

Not like this!

-Is everything OK, Mum?

-Everything's fine,

Miss Millie! Zero chill.

# From the bottom of my heart

# We will never part. #

Sort it!

Oh, don't bother.

I've got crisps for lunch. It's brilliant.

Aw, Kylie posted a picture of her new cat.

It was so sweet. When it was the last one, she stuck up photos

of it everywhere.

I know...because it ran away.

Oh, a new Friend Request!

Who's Sunny Sharon?

Oh, no, she's found us!

ALERT TONE

She's sent me a video.

# I don't need no-one, see When I have you in... #

That's Boys Alive!

This is really bad!

-Hi, gang! Good day at school?

-Speak to you later.

-Great.

-Did you know that the Vikings invented the comb?

-Erm...

-We can't stop for long.

Kelly's mum is taking us to that new pizza place.

-Fran's going to be there.

-I know. I read your online chat.

-Mum! What have you done?!

-Oh, this?

I've been meaning to do that for a while, yeah.

Oh, by the way, I Friended Kylie and we got chatting

and she says I can come tonight. How cool is that?!

Oh, no. Mum online is a total nightmare.

Oh, just come back, man!

But I'm on my judo-ercise course.

It's just all getting too weird. I mean, Sharon's lost the plot.

Hey, hey, I can chop a plank of balsa wood in half. Listen...

Oof!

You failed?

Might need to... saw it halfway through.

But seriously, just come back. It's all girls and me. I'm outnumbered.

'They're back.'

I've got to go.

And how was I supposed to know she liked Ryan?

He is piffed, though.

Ah, it was, literally, the most amazing night ever!

SHARON GIGGLES

Aww!

-Kylie is just ace.

-Ace? Does that mean, like, on point?

Yeah. Whatevs.

I am going to help her with her band. Cooking and driving and stuff,

because she can totally sing. Shame about her mum, though.

She is just SO uncool. I mean, bookie or what?

-Mum, please.

-What?

-Stop!

This is brilliant! You're my bae!

Oh, I'm going to upload this.

Mum, isn't it time for your peppermint tea and the news?

Oh, don't be so lame! Right, who wants more ice cream?

# There's sprinkles! #

That was, literally, the least amazing night ever.

It sounded pretty amazing from here. She's your bae?!

Now Mum's posting pictures of cats.

We don't even HAVE a cat.

Our mum forgot to do the laundry again.

She's trying to deal with all your dad's work calls.

She wants him to have a relaxing break.

At least I didn't have to get dressed.

Now, when I fall asleep in maths, I've got the right clothes on.

Yeah, and I'm dressed for double motorbiking.

Pretty cool, huh?

Shot fired!

-Ouch!

-What is it?

-I don't think you'll want to see it.

Huh! Craig, stop sharing it!

What is she doing?!

I am, literally, about to cry.

Do you know that even know what's up with your mum?

-She swapped brains with Zoella?

-I don't know anything,

except that she's lost it.

She overheard Millie talking the other night, saying she's boring.

Did you let her hear that?

I meant boring, but in a good way!

This stops now!

I wish my mum was a bit more boring.

She's always juggling too many plates and, with your dad away,

they are starting to smash.

Still, at least it saves us having to wash them up.

Uh, why did I wish my mum was cool, like yours?

Huh! No!!

What if we get my mum to see yours up close -

show her the plates being smashed. What is she really bad at?

Everything.

-Except motorbikes and babies.

-Not true.

But there is one thing she is absolutely terrible at.

Fish fingers and chips!

Enjoy!

ANGEL TALKS ON PHONE

Cooking - not her strong point.

Right, so we will get her to cook dinner for us all, including my mum.

Then, she will see how terrible it is..

And my mum will see how epically- organised and together yours is

and stop trying to do too much.

You fire up in the oxygen tank, right, but at the same time,

you have got to fight four caranchas.

GAMING TONES

See that high score? Mate, that has taken me WEEKS!

Here, do you know Lauren? She wanted to play, right,

but I had to say no. She'd only embarrass herself...obviously.

OK, that sounds cool.

It's a date. Thanks, Mum!

Fantastic! You're the best, Mum!

-BOTH:

-See you later!

Yes, Tony, I forgot to do the laundry, but I am doing it now.

-'I'm coming back.'

-No, no. Do not come home.

-'But you're not coping.'

-Yeah, I've got this.

-'Have you?'

-'Really? I'm not so sure.'

-In fact, I'm having a dinner party.

-That is how on top of things I am.

-'As long as you're happy.

-'I'll see you soon.'

-OK. All right, bye!

-'Bye.'

SIGHING

Maybe I'll do fish fingers.

GAMING TONES

-Hiya!

-Aren't you supposed to be at your dad's,

for Operation Sort Out Sharon(?)

I have got homework, but I'm bored. Give us a go on your game.

Seriously?

-Well, you'll be rubbish.

-Might not be.

-Yeah, you will be.

Erm..click there.

And double click there.

-Why am I going underground?

-You hit "Dig".

Oh!

What's that?!

It's a wererabbit.

What does it do?

HE LAUGHS

I said you'd be rubbish! Do you want to play with some of my mates?

What?! No way!

Just thought they could help you.

-One is a medic, one gets very high scores...

-OK, then.

Yeah, you can see the other colonists.

OK, yeah, we could have a party and...

But I...

Nasty. And you're still rubbish.

I'll get some popcorn.

PHONE RINGS

-Hey, Dad.

-Craig, mate. Look, I have been thinking,

I don't want you outnumbered. I'm going to come home early.

No, no, no. You're all right. I'm actually having a bit of a laugh.

Oh!

Oh, OK. Good. Things are good here, too.

I can punch a hole in some Styrofoam.

You da man!

Ara, Ninja!

Johnny, Lauren's playing the game.

No, she's so NOT sick.

Look, spread the word.

GAMING TONES

-Ready?

-Ready.

-ALL:

-Whoa!

What happened?

Weird.

I don't understand it.

A parallel universe.

It's the only explanation.

-Do you think so?

-No!

No.

Oh, hi, guys!

Dinner should be ready when your mum gets here.

I just have a few calls to make for Tony. He's still on his break.

But I am on top of everything.

She's been taken over.

-By aliens.

-She's juggling all the plates.

And they are even clean.

Right, my mum gets here soon.

She can't see this. She will never get over it.

We have to ruin everything.

First, overcook dinner.

Second, we need to find something that's going to make a mess.

Volcano.

Oh, yeah, because we've obviously got a handy volcano(!)

You know, just lying around.

Never underestimate Fran.

Ready? You might want to stand back.

FROTHING

It's going to blow!

Yeah, we might need a LITTLE more messing up than that.

I've got it. Your dad keeps his films in alphabetical order.

-There!

-The problem is,

we need to unleash mayhem., but we are both too neat.

We need someone who can take this flat from tidy to "tornado hit it".

My mum, usually.

PINGING

Oh, and my mum's nearly here.

We need a walk-in disaster area.

Huh. I'm bored.

Who wants a spaghetti fight?

This is fun.

Why aren't you dead yet? You should be dead.

What is that number in the corner there?

You've nearly reached my high score.

-Eee!

-Oh, why aren't you rubbish any more?

-Look, just give it here...

-No!

I'm the one that has made friends with all the wererabbits.

-What?!

-Here, bunny-bunny.

No, you can't make friends with them. That's impossible.

ALERT TONE

ALERT TONE

ALERT TONE

Why are you not back here?

-MEDITATIONAL:

-Because you said you were fine.

-What are you doing?

-I'm trying to shatter a cracker,

with the power of thought.

You can't, of course. It's impossible, but that's the point.

I will tell you what's not impossible -

Lauren beating my high score.

-Yes!!!

-I've got to go.

I will have to shatter it with the power of my mouth.

CRUNCHING

Ninja!

Sweets?

Yeah, apparently Tony hid a whole packet before he left,

so we could have a treasure hunt, but they are hard to find.

-And you only have one minute.

-OK, but what kind of sweets?

-You know your favourites?

-Yeah!

-Those ones.

OK, that's all I need to know!

-What...? Jake?

-Sweets, sweets! Where are the sweets?!

Oh, no, have you been at the lemonade?

SMOKE ALARM BLEEPS

Is that something burning?!

-Oh!

-Sweets, come to Jake!

ROCK MUSIC BLARES

Dinner is ruined!!

Fran! Jake, what has got into you?!

-I have only got one minute!

-It's erupting! Mum, help!

There is lava on the nibbles!

DOORBELL RINGING

I'll get it!

PHONE RINGING

Tony, not now!

MUSIC OFF

-Sweets!

-Cool!

BOTH: What?!

Yeah, this is totally sick. Safe. Millie, we should do our place

a bit more like this. You know, sort of, exploding sofas,

volcanoes, slight burning smell.

-(I thought she couldn't handle the mess?

-She can't. She'll crack soon.)

(Watch carefully.)

Look, I'm sorry that the place is, well, erupting.

Amber, mate...I love it!

-"Mate"?

-"I love it"?

-Yeah, it's like bear dench.

-It's what?

-It, erm, means cool. Yeah, doesn't it, Millie?

-If you say so, Mum.

-What's up with her hand?

-She's looking for something to fold.

-She won't know she is doing it.

-Dinner's a tiny bit burnt, sorry.

Oh, no, biggie!

Who wants to waste time checking food and making sure it's edible?

I mean, the less food, the less washing up.

I'm all right!

Would you like a nibble?

Mm-hm.

(Why is she biting her lip?)

(She's spotted the DVD that's not in alphabetical order.)

(She's close to the edge.)

It just needs...

Jake! Is that a sweet over there?

Huh!

Sweets! Oh!

Oh, Sharon, I am so, so sorry.

Oh, yeah. Chillax.

I actually quite like the orange and lime green combo.

Actually, I, sort of, see what you mean!

-Wonder what grey and orange would look like?

-Only one way to find out.

Oh!

Bear dench.

On point.

ALERT TONE

Cake!

For you, Lauren. It's all for you.

Been saving this up since I was six years old.

Want my Tooth Fairy money?

Look at that! Then you could buy your own one of these.

RATTLING

-Yas!!

-Let me play one of your favourite tunes.

MUSIC PLAYS

Check this out.

Yes!!

Yes!!!

Ha-ha!!

No!!!

-How did you..?

-Just because you're slow doesn't mean everyone else is.

Shouldn't have laughed at me on the bus, then, should you?

Right, I'm off to go do my homework. See ya!

ALERT TONE

Mum's still going to blow. I can tell.

Just needs one more little thing.

The straw that made the camel's back totally lose its cool.

ADULTS LAUGH TOGETHER

Pepper. You can put pepper on everything. Loads of pepper.

OK, great.

So, we need a spoon and...

Oh, yes!

Cancel the pepper. This is our secret weapon.

Cutlery?

Exactly.

Mum, can you help me set the table?

This drawer here.

Safe!

Are you OK?

How do they find anything?

I mean, it's all, you know... You need spaces and compartments.

Knives, forks, spoons. It's just the way it is!

I think I should just get... You'll get cutlery madness!

It's no good. I can't let this happen.

-Sharon?

-Millie, Fran, Amber - stop wiping.

-Eh, I think we'll be OK.

-I'm sure you will,

-with a drawer like that.

-Excuse me?!

I mean, why do you even have a volcano in here?

It was Fran's homework project last month and...

Why DO we have a volcano in here?

Millie, why did you show me the cutlery drawer. You know me

and cutlery drawers!

And why was Jake looking for sweets?

I... I thought that maybe you could use some tips from Sharon.

Tips?!

-Oh, there's no need to ask who helped you with all this!

-We thought

you would stop trying to act cooler than Amber.

Hey, hey, hey! Your mum is fine as she is. She is very...cool.

Thank you.

And your mum is fine as she is, too.

-Mm-hm.

-Even if she is a little bit disorganised.

-Am I?

Well, I suppose I am... if you're a little bit uptight.

Uptight?!

At least I've got a spoon compartment!

-At least I don't dress like my nan.

-There is nothing wrong

with the way I dress.

-You are obsessed.

-You started it!

-I so did not start it!

-You did start it!

-I so did not start it!

Craig...

It's too late. The zombie movie's over.

The zombies won. Lauren beat my high score.

-Did she eat your brains, as well?

-She might as well have.

My life is over.

With these mind-control techniques that I have learnt,

we can crush Lauren's highest score. Watch this...

Whoa, Dad, how did you do that?

-There was a thing behind it!

-No, there wasn't.

-Yes, there was.

-Wasn't.

-Was!

-Don't mess with me!

I am a Ninja.

It's really not a problem, Sharon.

-Why don't you take the cloth?

-I wasn't meaning to be rude.

-I was just trying the help.

-It's completely fine.

-I'm sorry!

Look, Mum, I know I called you boring and you're not.

Well, you are,

but in a cool way.

See?

Eh, not really.

And it's useful having my clothes all sorted by colour,

you know, in case I get invited to...

-A rainbow party!

-Yeah!

Sorted by colour?

Just sorted would be good.

Or even there, at all.

I guess you are just a bit TOO cool sometimes.

Aren't I even a bit boring?

A bit.

-We're just going to go and...

-Clean up in there!

-The food looked nice.

-Oh, it was really a takeaway.

-Oh, I do that sometimes.

-Yeah?!

Yeah, the girls never know!

-Well, it's ruined now, anyway, so...

-Oh, never mind.

Actually...

..beef casserole.

You carry an emergency casserole in your bag?

Only when I come to yours.

It's quite hard, you know,

looking after kids who are used to the world's most perfect mum.

No, do you know how hard it is, now they hang out with the world's

coolest biker chick?

I suppose I am pretty cool!

Well...I'm pretty perfect.

And I love your hair, by the way. It's ace.

-Oh, no-one says ace any more.

-Oh.

-No, it's "sick".

It's sick.

Sorry, do you mind..?

Can I just..?

And breathe.

I can't do boring.

It's just so boring.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

Hey! I'm back!

Tony, I told you not to come home!

Well, I had to. My holiday was over.

Oh, yeah!

It looks like things haven't fallen apart without me.

Of course not. Like I said, everything is under control.

Will you do this?

-You're back!

-Hey!

Thank goodness!

Oh, and thanks for the treasure hunt, by the way.

-How did you all get on?

-Actually, Mum has coped pretty well.

And Fran will be making packed lunches for us all, all week. Cool?

Cool!

Well, maybe I've never been cool. I mean what is "cool"? Define cool.

Not dressing your entire family in matching fleeces.

Ah, well, perhaps I could be a bit more chillaxed.

-Don't ever say that again.

-Right, I'll be calmer. I'll be cool.

I'll be calm.

So, Craig - bah-ah! -

Lauren totally dissed you. Everyone is talking about it online!

That is WAY shameful, dude!

Yeah. I'll Unfriend everyone tomorrow.

Ooh! Look out! Chlorantula!

Like I said, Mum's great and so is Amber.

But in this world, some people are cool and some...

..some just like to know where their spoons are.

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la

# La, la-la, la-la, la-la

# Aaaaaah... #