Valentine's Day Millie Inbetween

The supply teacher gave us double homework. How is that fair?!

Then her face fell off, and we saw that she was a zombie.

Then she ate a dinner lady.

Are you even listening to me?

-Yes!

-Good.

So, do you think that...

Harry loves the Valentine that I sent him.

LAUREN GIGGLES

Yes, it's Valentine's Day.

And this year comes with added crazy-in-love big sister.

I might as well not exist.

I could do anything.

In fact, I think I will.

MUSIC: Dancing In The Sun by Bahari

# Burgers off

# Ray-Bans on

# Staying out till the break of dawn

# People all over the world

-# Let's agree to disagree... #

-SHE HUFFS

# You do you, let me do me

-# We know the road ahead... #

-LAUREN GASPS

Did that sound like the post?

My Valentine from Harry might be here!

LAUREN SQUEALS AND GIGGLES

SHE SIGHS See? I'm the invisible sister.

It's all about Harry.

She won't even shout at me any more,

and weirdly, I miss it.

Behold!

the all-new Craig-a-licious breakfast sandwich!

Bacon, egg,

marmalade, ketchup,

and cereal.

Oh! Your breakfast is putting me right off mine.

-BOTH:

-Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

SHE SQUEALS

Which is worse, Mum and Mike's jumpers, or Craig's sandwich?

Um, about half four.

-MIKE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-The cards have landed.

-Ooh!

Finally! Ugh, give me!

Mm, smells like him.

There's also one for Craig.

-Oh, correction, five for Craig.

-Oh.

-What?

There are five people in the world mad enough to like that?

What can I say, Millie?

I am awesome.

And girls are only human.

And there's one final card for...

Drumroll, please.

Mmmmmm...

-Millie!

-Yay! Go, Millie! Go, Millie! Go, Millie! Go, Millie!

Sorry, little bit carried away there.

We'll leave you to open that by yourself.

-Without us snooping.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Come on, Mike.

You got a Valentine's card?

Who'd be weird enough to like you?

I wonder who sent Millie that card.

I hope it's someone nice.

-It was me.

-Oh, well...

You're nice, so, good.

Every year, I send her an anonymous card,

and she's never twigged once!

-BOTH:

-It's from Mum.

Ooh, nice card, Millie. Who's it from?

No idea, Mum. It's a complete mystery.

Oh, well, Millie. Never mind.

I'm sure you'll get a proper one next year.

Well, I'm not bothered anyway.

Do you want to watch some telly? PHONE DINGS

Ooh! It's him!

Hi, Harry.

SHE SIGHS

I miss the good old days when everything I did annoyed her.

MILLIE CRUNCHES LOUDLY

Stop it.

-BANG!

-Argh!

Millie! I want you to understand, I've got an exam...

SHE CHUCKLES

Right, I want my sister back.

Right, who's for Valentine's Day waffles?

You can have them with jam, syrup, or a healthy Valentine's kiss.

Ooh!

Please, I'm eating.

No waffles, Jakey?

-What, are you sick?

-I'm fine, I'm just not hungry.

-I should talk to him.

-No.

You have your breakfast, I'll do it.

-Could just be a guy thing.

-Hmm.

Er, no-one touches my waffles.

So, I got my real Valentine's from my boyfriend yesterday.

He said he couldn't wait until today.

That's just how romantic he is.

Boyfriend? You don't have a boyfriend.

Well, it's only recent, but, yeah, I do.

You're more likely to grow another head than to get a boyfriend.

Then maybe soon I'll have two heads to go with my one boyfriend.

Three, two, one.

No way do you have a boyfriend.

And if you do, why didn't you tell me?

-PHONE RINGS

-Ugh.

Harry, I'll call you back.

So, what's your so-called boyfriend's name?

Grant! His name is Grant.

Grant who?

Grant...

..Dryer!

Grant Dryer.

Where did you meet? Loser club?

MILLIE LAUGHS No!

We met at a...

..an after-school glasses discussion forum.

Sounds like a laugh a minute.

Oh, he is.

And he's really into...

..running. And he is...

half French,

which makes him tres fascinating.

Wow!

-I mean, wow!

-Mm-hm.

You've got...

No, seriously, wow.

-It's, it's just so...

-Wow?

-Yeah.

I've got to tell everyone about this!

LAUREN LAUGHS

So I've invented a boyfriend, which is bad,

but it felt good.

Lauren even hung up on Harry to talk to me.

Thank you, Fake Grant!

Come on, what's wrong?

Usually you'd eat a shoe if you could pour syrup on it.

You can tell me, eh? Guy to guy.

I already told Mum, I'm fine.

Sure, but Mum doesn't know the sort of things that can bother us guys.

Like losing at five-a-side, or waffles getting cold.

For the last time, I'm fine!

Yeah, he's not fine.

So is it a guy thing?

-He doesn't want to talk about it.

-Oh.

Well, maybe he'd open up to someone more his own age,

like Craig.

Ugh, Craig?

That's not a bad shout.

And Jake looks up to him.

Well, Jake looks up to most people.

-I'll give Mike a call.

-OK.

Er...

You ate my waffles, didn't you?

They were getting cold.

Talk to Jake?

Nah. Don't think so, mate.

-See, I've got ladies to talk to.

-Please, mate.

Apparently he's really upset about something.

Oh, well, you know my rate, Dad, tenner an hour.

Ha-ha-ha!

Little Jakey just got himself exactly one hour

of top-quality Craig.

Big news.

-Millie's got a boyfriend.

-No way.

No way, that is technically impossible.

-I know, right?

-No.

Actually, that card was from me.

I know it's impossible to tell, but...

Mum, it couldn't have been more obviously from you

than if you'd signed it Mum and put a big picture of you on the front.

But she got another one from her boyfriend.

Oh, why didn't she tell me?

-Because she knew you'd grill her about him.

-I would not!

But I grilled her for you.

His name is Grant, and he's half-French.

Ooh, which half?

And he likes running.

Well, that'll come in handy.

To get away from Millie!

HE LAUGHS

Right, I'm going to get this gossip out there.

We'd better give Millie a bit of space, hey?

Yeah, as soon as I've had a little chat with her.

DINGING

Why did you tell everyone about Grant?

My tablet is going to melt!

Move.

Sorry, Millie, but news is news.

TYRES SCREECH, KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey, Jake. Look who's here.

Oh, right, Craig.

-Hi.

-Hey, Jake!

-ENGINE REVS

-Mate, is that Ultra Race I can hear?

Cos I have got some well good tips for that, if you want them.

-Brilliant. Thanks so much for doing this, Craig.

-Anything for Jake.

-OK.

S'up, man?

Right, who's up for a cuppa?

A biccy, a chat?

What shall we chat about? Uh...

Grant?

Lauren, I can't believe you told Mum, as well!

Well, she's filled me in a bit.

Haven't got too many questions.

How old is he? Where does he live? What's he like?

When are we going to meet him?

-Biccy?

-Right, I'm going to go on my hot Valentine's date with Harry.

-No!

-What?

How about you, Millie, you going anywhere nice with Grant?

No.

Yes. I mean, of course.

I just don't know what to wear!

Any ideas, Laurs?

Are you asking for a Lauren-over?

I am.

Walk this way.

Aww! You're bonding over boyfriends!

-Sweet.

-DINGING

MILLIE SIGHS

So, my mum get you to come over?

What? No.

Course not.

It was Tony.

So, what's up with you?

You not get any Valentine's cards this morning, or something?

I got five.

Although, I did write three of them to myself.

Just to wind up Millie and Lauren.

Yeah, nice one.

So, is it school or home?

School.

Teacher or kid?

-Kid.

-Friend or enemy?

So, there's this kid who keeps on nicking my packed lunch

and eating it whilst everyone laughs at me.

No way.

Jake, you know the exact same thing used to happen to me?

Yeah? What did you do?

I just had enough one day.

So, I came up with an evil revenge plan,

which I'm now going to share with you.

Wicked!

And sometimes with Harry,

I feel faint and I get throbbing in my tummy.

Are you sure that's not indigestion?

No, it's love!

Do you ever get that with Grant?

Sort of.

Like, just going out with him tonight makes me feel nervous.

And a bit sick.

Well, you're going to look awesome!

He is going to be blown away.

Blown is right!

I look like I've been caught in a hurricane!

The windswept look is in, in, in!

LAUREN SQUEALS

MILLIE FAKE LAUGHS

Having an imaginary boyfriend is not easy!

All those questions,

and I have to go out with him this evening

and he doesn't actually exist!

Well?

You were wise to call me.

He's OK now, but if he does anything weird, just go with it.

Right, OK.

-ALARM BEEPS

-Well, thanks, Craig.

-Laters.

-Oh, OK. Well, thanks again.

Ooh.

Hey, hey. Let me do that, honestly. You put your feet up.

Oh. Thanks, Craig.

No worries.

You all right, Fran?

What? Is it wrong?

Oh, only that step.

Otherwise you carry the mistake forward.

I do it all the time. Yeah.

-Thanks.

-You're welcome.

-I'll get the door for you.

-Oh, cheers, Franster.

-SHE LAUGHS

-"Franster" - you're funny.

Um, thanks for talking to Jake.

It was really nice of you.

No problemo.

Oh, the...the door.

I don't care what Lauren and Millie say,

you don't smell weird.

Right.

Nice one.

-Hey, Fran.

-Hi, Fran.

Hi.

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, no!

Grant's just texted.

He can't make it tonight!

On Valentine's Day? That is cold.

Well, his granny's sick.

By the way, don't say anything to Dad about Grant.

Grant? Who's Grant?

-Millie's new boyfriend.

-Lauren!

Boyfriend? Well, that explains the hairdo. Tell me all.

Dad, you're just as bad as Mum.

-Apparently he likes running.

-Does he?

I mean, yeah, he does.

Mm, into exercise, that's good.

-And he's half-French.

-Good-looking people, the French.

-He won't be.

-Now, let's see a picture, then.

-I haven't got one.

-What, not even on your phone?

I've got one of Harry. Or, like, 50.

Yeah, I know. I've seen you licking them.

Um. So, I'll just find one of him online.

-What's his surname, again?

-Hair. Grant Hair.

Dryer! It's Dryer.

-Grant Dryer, good name.

-Yeah.

-What do his parents do?

Well, his mum is a...

..jam...

inventor.

Yeah. She creates new jam flavours for jam companies.

I love jam!

What about his dad?

Oh, well, his dad's a...

-..dinosaur!

-What, what?

Hunter. He's a dinosaur hunter.

Ah, do you mean a palaeontologist?

Look, Dad, will you just stop with all these questions?!

Mills?

-Everything all right, my love?

-Ah, not really.

Between her and Jake, I've had a very shouty day.

Well, that's the nature of parenting.

If your kids aren't cross with you for asking too many questions,

you're probably not asking enough.

AMBER CHUCKLES

So...

Craig was here.

Yeah.

Did he sit there next to you?

Yeah.

Are you all right?

Does Craig have...

You know, does Craig have...

-a girlfriend?

-Don't know.

He did get five Valentines, though.

Five?!

Well, yeah, but he sent three of them to himself,

just to annoy Millie and Lauren.

He's such a jokester!

SHE LAUGHS

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, of course I am.

Why?

-Nothing. I'll catch you later.

-OK.

Guess what?

I can't find any pictures of Grant, or any trace of him at all.

Oh, right, yeah.

That's because he hates the internet.

That's so odd!

Because these days, if you're not on the internet,

it's almost like you don't even...

exist.

Of course he exists.

Even though you couldn't remember

whether his surname was Hair or Dryer,

and then he just cancels your date.

-I told you, his dog's ill.

-His dog?

Gran.

I meant gran. What are you trying to say, Lauren?

That I've made him up or something?

Because Grant is so real.

He's so real that it's unreal!

You should invite him over, then.

Yeah, good idea, I will.

You should call him.

Right now.

Yeah.

Oh, no! I'm all out of credit.

Mm-hm. Here, use mine.

MILLIE SIGHS

Hey, Jake. How are you feeling?

Great. Just making a special lunch for Monday.

Yeah? Wow, I'm impressed.

What is it?

It's a broccoli, Marmite, ketchup, jam and chilli sandwich.

Jake, what makes you think you can take something like that

-into school?

-It wasn't my idea. It was Craig's.

Oh, OK.

Well, that's fine, then.

I guess.

OK, bye! I hope your gran feels better.

He's coming for tea on Monday.

Brilliant. I can't wait!

Me neither! Yay!

If she finds out I made him up, then I am dead.

What am I going to do?

I couldn't think of anything,

and Lauren told Mum and Mike about Grant coming,

and they're going right over the top.

Oh, hi, Millie. Oh, I can't wait to meet him.

Look, I even made a choc-apocalypse.

Does my hair look OK? I want to make a good impression.

Well...

Better?

I thought this was just meant to be you meeting him!

Oh, but everyone got so excited, and...

-DOOR BELL RINGS

-Oh! Ooh!

-Hiya.

-Fran? Jake?

You OK?

I suppose you've come to meet Grant, as well.

Yeah. We think it's really cool that you've got a boyfriend.

-Don't we, Jake?

-Yeah, whatevs.

-Hey, Jake!

I met someone that I really like.

I didn't used to, I thought he was gross,

but really he's kind, and helpful, and so sweet.

He doesn't know, but still.

-And then, as usual...

-Hey, Craig.

It's me, Franster.

Oh. Yeah. Hi.

So, you got that sorted then, mate?

He couldn't have done it without you, Craig.

Um...

Right, nice one.

Um, so tell me, man, what happened?

-Well...

-Why doesn't Jake tell me, yeah?

Oh.

So, he nicked my gross sandwich, took a bite,

then ran off to be sick,

and then I ate the sandwich in front of the whole school.

And now, everyone calls me Iron Stomach.

No way!

So, Jake, you beat the bully and got a superhero nickname.

All thanks to you, Craigo.

Fran's crush, it can't be.

It couldn't be.

Should we do anything to stop it?

Don't worry, I think Craig's got this one by himself.

You are so right about my maths problem.

-I got an A!

-Yeah? Sweet.

-Urgh.

-Oh, sorry, it's mayonnaise.

Urgh!

HE BURPS LOUDLY

Urrrgh!

Oh, did you want a bite?

Urrrgh!

Urgh! What was I thinking?!

See? Told you, crush over.

-DOOR BELL RINGS

-Ooh!

Seems like Grant o'clock.

I've just got to go and get changed.

I got what I wished for -

Lauren is watching my every move.

Guess what, Millie?

-Dad and Amber are here.

-You invited them too?

They just couldn't stay away!

Can't decide which lame outfit to wear?

No. I just...

Grant just texted.

He can't come - running accident.

Oh. Let me see the text.

No! I deleted it, because I was so upset.

How convenient.

And would this be the same number that you called him from last night?

Which just happened to be some random fish and chip shop?

Yes, where Grant works.

He works in a chippy,

his mum invents jam and his dad tracks dinosaurs?

-Yep.

-Does he have any brothers?

-No.

-Yes.

-Three.

-Sisters?

-One.

-Favourite food?

-Pasta.

-What colour are his eyes?

-Hazel.

-Mm-hmm.

-And how many brothers does he have, again?

-Two.

-I've gotcha!

-SHE GIGGLES

All right! He isn't real, I made him up!

Why would you invent a boyfriend?

It's just ever since you met Harry,

it's like he gets all of you and I don't get any.

And I missed you.

If you start crying and telling me that you love me,

I'm calling the police.

When you thought I had a boyfriend, we had something in common again,

and I liked it.

Well, until things got a bit complicated.

And now everyone's here to meet your fake fella.

-What am I going to do?

-Don't know.

But I know what I'm going to do.

This will not end well!

Can I just have a tiny bit?

No! The choc-apocalypse is for Grant.

Except Grant won't be coming.

What? I did my hair specially.

Millie's completely made up...

Lauren, please don't.

..a load of reasons why Grant won't be here today,

but really, it's because...

..he's dumped her.

By text.

And only two days after Valentine's Day, as well!

Can you believe it?

-Oh, that's awful.

-Millie, I'm so sorry.

Couldn't even keep a made-up boyfriend, you loser.

-PHONE BLEEPS

-Hey, Harry! How's it going?

Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry.

-Thanks, Mum.

-I'm sorry too, love.

Here, have some choc-apocalypse to cheer you up.

Thanks, Dad, but maybe later.

Waste not, want not, eh?

-Can I have a bit?

-Hey, tuck in.

If he dumped you like that, well, he's not worthy of you, Millie.

Ha! Millie, you're such a loser!

At least I've still got my five Valentine's Day ladies, hey?

Actually, wasn't it two?

Because didn't you send yourself three?

And I actually sent you the other two

to make you feel better about yourself, so, um...

What? No!

So now who's the loser?

It's not me.

It's not me!

Lauren? Are you all right?

I, um...

That was Harry.

His dad's moving to Ohio next week for work,

and he's going with him.

So he thinks it would be best if we just...

just split up.

Oh, love, not you as well!

Oh, my poor girls.

It's too much.

I'm sorry. You must feel awful.

I just thought we really clicked, you know?

Yeah. I mean, I kind of know what you're going through.

Oh, poor Lauren.

Still, she can milk this for weeks.

But you know what?

Even that's better than having no Lauren at all...

LAUREN CRIES

That's what I mean, I don't deserve it.

-MOUTH FULL:

-Oh. Lauren, have some choc-apocalypse.

-I don't want any food, Dad!

-..I think.