Lauren Deleted Millie Inbetween

Pizza for breakfast? Classy.

Oh, I thought it was toast.

She's obsessed with her phone.

A bit like you with your hair.

-I might see Siobhan.

-Not if she sees you first.

So, Lauren posted this.

Now, don't get me wrong, I do love a bit of online banter.

Like when Fran aced her maths test, I sent her this.

I know. Edgy, right?

But I sent it to her, not my entire group chat.

And all of this is keeping Lauren up at night.

And me too.

That's your new profile picture. So deluded.

Kittens.

Not like me back? Blocking you.

Joining chat. Oh, kittens.

Lauren. It's one in the morning.

They're all still up.

I'm not going to be the loser that goes to sleep first.

Honestly, she's out of control.

Kittens! I love kittens!

I found her this morning, facedown in the laptop.

Then, she's straight back at it.

Morning, Millie. Wakey, wakey.

You look ridiculous.

Take me to your leader.

That's some serious bedhead, Millie.

Lauren, that's private!

Privacy is so over.

If you can't stand the heat, don't sit on the cooker.

Plus, I do it to all my friends. It's not just you.

My pizza or your face?

LOL. Who should I send it to?

Oh, I know. Amy.

Who ordered 20 pairs of suede boots and a mermaid tail blanket?

Was it Mike? It wasn't me.

I don't believe it.

It was me, but I don't even remember.

You've been sleep shopping.

The courier might take them back if you're quick enough.

Queen Siobhan is here early.

Excuse me, ladies.

He's playing with fire.

One word from her and he could be socially vaporised.

Hey, don't you think sleep ordering 20 pairs of boots

-might be a wake-up call?

-It's fine.

I've sent them all back, except the mermaid blanket.

Declan wants it, which is a worry.

Mr Yates has a bone to pick with Lauren.

Why? What did she do?

She put a one-star review of him on Rate My Teacher.

Do you not remember that either?

Lauren, now you're sleep reviewing.

Seriously, delete your account.

Stop hating on me.

I'm the normal one here. Now, leave me alone.

I need to create some fake accounts so I can like my own posts.

He's good. Friend of yours?

I know him, but he does ballet and I do street.

Are they not both kinds of dance?

Yeah, but they're worlds apart.

It's like saying cornflakes and...

-Branflakes?

-No, chicken dippers.

Hi, Leo. How's it going?

Oh, hi?

Tracy. You settling in OK?

If anyone messes with you, you let us know.

Will do. Thanks.

I think she's taking a shine to him.

Wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

Oi, you! Look what you've done!

-Let go of me!

-Chillax, Tracy.

It's just an accident.

Sure, Leo. Just an accident.

I just saw Amy, the one that I sent the edgy message to.

My pizza or your face.

-That Amy.

-And she was mad at you?

You crossed the line? Hurt her feelings maybe?

No, she's fine, because I didn't send it to her,

I sent it to Siobhan.

-Not the Queen.

-My finger must have just slipped.

Well, she might think it's funny.

If she had a sense of humour.

One message to all of her followers

and I'm going to be as popular as nits.

OK, so my only hope is that she's not seen it yet,

so I'm going to go over there, faint into her bag,

grab her phone and then flush it.

What could go wrong with that?

Oh, I know. I'm just going to delete myself.

Won't work, but why tell her?

At least I'll get some sleep.

OK, done.

So now I don't exist any more,

and now she can't possibly get the message.

This isn't going to work, is it?

Not if you've already sent it, no.

It's like a horror movie.

It's like I'm killing myself from beyond the grave.

Well, stop panicking. She hasn't read your message yet.

See?

She's checking now. Help me.

OK, but if I do, you have to promise to stay deleted.

No, that is way too radical.

You wouldn't even do that.

Well, I'm not seconds away from a life-changing event.

Do we have a deal?

OK, deal, just please help me.

OK, go and distract her.

-Hi, Millie.

-Hi.

-Hey, Loz. Look.

-You messaged me.

-Stop.

-What?

-I mean, um, hi, Siobhan, isn't it great that you're so popular?

Wish I knew your secret, so that I could bottle it,

then I'd sell the bottles, then I'd be rich.

Shut up. Are you trying to make me feel better?

Because of my spot?

No. What spot?

You're sweet, but awful, isn't it?

My face is like a pizza.

I bet it's getting worse.

Siobhan, are you going to be going to the cafe later?

Bet you'll need to book a really big table for all of your friends.

Oh, your message.

Hi! Can I have your autograph?

I really look up to you.

What hair products do you use?

-How's it going?

-Not good.

-What's her password?

-How should I know?

-Guess.

-Um, Miss Perfect?

-Princess Popular?

-What do you think you're doing?

I caught her. Hope she didn't put anything on your phone

pretending it's from one of your friends.

I know this looks bad, but we...

-You.

-We were just...

-Virus!

-Yes.

Lauren has a virus.

Yes. It made me do crazy things.

No, a phone virus that wrecked your phone.

Yeah, she sent you an infected message.

-What?

-It's fine as long as you delete it without opening it.

Yeah, otherwise, your phone will be fried.

OK, there it is.

Deleted.

Why didn't you just tell me, though?

I was just so embarrassed.

Oh, poor you.

Soz about your phone.

Oh, just one of those things.

Yes!

OK, we have a deal, remember?

-I don't know, though.

-Look what nearly happened.

Yeah, you're right, it's my decision and no-one else's,

so I'm just going to post it.

-Why?

-Just to see what everyone else thinks.

It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.

You're doing this for you.

I know, it's confusing.

I'll help.

Good.

Do not give that back to me, even if I ask for it.

This is perfect.

Especially since it was me

who sent that message to Siobhan instead of Amy.

-The courier might take them back if you're quick enough.

-OK.

There. That's payback for my bedhead video.

I know, I know, I shouldn't have, but I had to do something.

Anyway, it's all worked out great.

Lauren's deleted and I am the hero.

Oi, you, beanpole, do you have anything to say to me?

You're in my way?

-About this.

-It was an accident.

Watch it. It's not as if you're cute and you have lovely blue eyes,

-you know.

-Yeah, not like Leo.

-Who mentioned Leo?

-Sorry.

Watch you don't slip down any grates, Twiglet.

Yeah, mind yourself, lanky.

Oi. Watch this.

Can't do that, can you?

So you watch it, because you do not want to make me angry.

All right, then, breadstick.

All right, we all need to take it easy.

-Oh.

-Sorry, mate. You were in the way.

What is this stuff?

-Orange squash.

-It was an accident.

Thanks, mate.

MUSIC PLAYS

So, I deleted myself.

-Fireworks emoji.

-Deleted?

-That sounds painful.

-My social media accounts.

I feel so free.

You should try it, Leo.

No, thanks. I'm happy here in the 21st century.

No, they've scored.

My friends are going to be blown away.

In the forest, a mighty tree hath fallen.

Mum, this tastes amazing. What did you put in it?

Nothing special. Same recipe as always.

Only this time, you're not necking it down while you check your chats.

KNOCK AT THE DOOR

Please, can I use your washing machine and your shower?

-I'm deeply sticky.

-Of course, Jake. Come in.

I tried to wash it out but...

-What happened?

-Long story.

We just didn't want to give Franma more to worry about.

-Franma?

-I did not just say Franma.

Fran's grandma.

-It's a thing.

-It's not a thing.

How long has that been there?

For about three years.

It's like she's waking up from a long sleep.

Real snuggly, isn't it?

Who's your big hunky merman, eh?

Do you know, I should change my name to Fin.

Has this show always been so slow?

Yeah, but you're not watching it how it's meant to be watched.

-How's that?

-From behind another screen.

Oh, message.

-Might be from you.

-Declan!

I'm deleted.

I know.

Miss you. #proudofyou.

No hash tag. No hash tag.

It's great.

So much time to think.

And we can have deep chats.

Well, say something.

Um, so what's it like being completely out of the loop?

I don't miss it.

It's like being in the '80s and I love the '80s.

Back combed hair, legwarmers.

So, do you think in the '80s, mermaids wore tail warmers?

See? That is the kind of interesting thing

we don't normally get to talk about.

BEEPING NOISE

Someone's phone. I'm just going to go bring it to them.

I think this door might be stuck.

Oh, is it just the washing machine?

Yeah. How do you open it again?

How would Lauren know?

Burn.

You just need the magic touch.

-Grab the clothes horse.

-Why'd they dump juice on you?

It was a mistake. They were after Malcolm, but I got in the way.

That was your mistake.

Don't tangle with them.

And tell Malcolm to stay away too.

-One dancer to another.

-I told you, he does ballet and I do street.

It's like he's a hamster and I'm a...

-Gerbil?

-No, a giraffe.

Whatever. If anyone can fix this, you can.

Why do they give us so much homework?

Right, what's next? I've done that.

And that. And that.

Maybe you've done it all?

No way. I never have time to finish.

Hmm.

-What?

-First time for everything.

PHONE PINGS

-Your phone just pinged.

-I'll read it later on.

-Or tomorrow.

-How can you?

Are you even human?

Ha! I knew it.

A phone does other things than social media, Lauren.

Look. I just took a picture.

Of the ceiling. Fascinating.

Beep. Oh!

Beep.

Beep.

Don't judge me. I got Declan to write me out some messages.

Beep.

Kittens!

Psst! Over here.

Get down. You need to keep a low profile.

I'm not afraid, you know.

Look, my sister said, "Better a live coward than a dead hero."

You have to stand up to bullies.

You are not tough enough.

Ballet dancers are well tough.

Not like that.

If you front up to them, they'll mush you.

It's their code.

Yep. I guess you're right.

OK, then. Check this out.

It's Tracy's audition for the Lion King.

# Let it go! Let it go! #

Oh, man, where'd you get that? It's priceless.

And it'll be all round school by tomorrow.

Yeah. What?

Like you say, she's too hard to take on, in real life.

-No, that's not what I meant.

-So I'll do it online.

Thanks, Jake.

MUSIC PLAYS

Nice one, Leila.

What is that?

Do you like it? It's my likes board.

I've got 28 likes.

Can't you just, like, like yourself?

I do like myself.

12 of these are from me.

Kaitlin. Bing!

You've got mail.

She's losing it, and last night was rough.

Lauren?

Yep, she took a sleep selfie.

Kicking myself I didn't film it.

See you later.

Lauren, a likes board?

Do you not see how tragic that is?

OK, I admit it.

-I need friends.

-Who doesn't?

Just not 300 fake ones.

I need it communicate like Siobhan needs to swish her hair.

But you need to do stuff first, so you have something to communicate.

-I do do stuff.

-Like what?

-Netball.

-You gave it up.

-Photography.

-Selfies don't count.

-Shopping.

-You do it all online.

Are you saying that I've made myself a nonperson?

You're not a nonperson.

You just don't need people to keep telling you how great you are.

Oh, thanks.

And while you're here, will you like me?

# Let it go! Let it go! #

Wow, I think she invented some new notes.

Yeah, it's true.

But now Malcolm's going to send it round the whole school

so everyone sees her big fail.

That's not right. You know why.

Because they'll find out and kill him?

No, because it's really mean.

I know, but what can I do?

Talk to him.

But he does ballet and I do...

Stop it! Look, if he sends it, it's partly on you.

How is this on me?

-You didn't stop them.

-The kid's unstoppable.

Look, all I know is that she's really trying here.

And that's not something to shame her for.

Ah! You freak!

What are you doing? Give that back!

Don't give me it, even if I ask for it!

I'm not asking, I'm telling!

-But we had a deal!

-You're not the boss of me!

OK, I give up.

It was only a matter of time until you cracked.

And you clearly have the willpower of a dog with a bag of mince, so here.

Thank you.

Now go ahead and post all your selfies for all your friends to like.

I know you can't help yourself.

A phone does other things apart from social media, Millie.

I just took a photo.

-See?

-That's pretty good.

Of course it is. But I'm not finished yet.

-Doesn't he do street?

-I know, but he's OK.

-Look, Malcolm...

-I'm going to send that clip out now.

Wait. If you do, doesn't that kind of make you the bully?

What do they teach you in street dance?

Mate, she's tougher than me.

You don't have to be tough to be a cyber bully.

-That's not fair.

-Or a cyber coward.

I'm not a coward.

OK, fine.

-I won't send it.

-You're doing the right thing.

So if I can't fight back online, I have to face her, face-to-face.

No, wait, you can't.

This is real-life, not ballet.

-You might get hurt.

-You got a better idea?

Yeah. Didn't think so.

Lauren, these are great.

Thanks. Who knew that there was so much to see in the park?

Yeah, parks are amazing.

They're like a mini countryside or huge garden.

We should go hiking in the hills sometime.

No. Because I like taking photos of people, not sheep.

I really, really want to share these.

There. I'm undeleted.

Are you sure that's the best idea?

Whilst there are sharks in the sea, the wise man does not rent a pedalo.

Yeah, I'm sure.

Now watch the messages pour in.

Oh, it's just a message from that courier service

about my cancelled shoe delivery.

You all right?

Mike, what time did I tell the courier to cancel this order?

-8:16.

-And what time did I send this message?

-8:16.

-So how could I have been in two places at once?

Interesting question.

The ancient Chinese have a theory that...

Millie! I'm going to kill her!

OK, so this message says that I was in the hall

cancelling my shoe delivery at 8:16.

But that's also supposedly when I was in the kitchen sending Siobhan

the pizza message, which is impossible.

-So what's the answer?

-Is it Professor Plum was in the library

with a candlestick?

I didn't send that message.

You did.

Lauren, I mean, you do have some imagination, but honestly.

I knew it! Come back here!

-Come back here!

-No!

I knew that you sent that message!

Come back here!

I could've been sent to social Siberia because of you!

I'm sorry, not sorry!

You sent out that bedhead video of me!

My laptop! Put it down so I can kill you.

No, look.

Lauren, these are really good,

and I'm not just saying that to save my skin.

Now, would you have taken these if you weren't deleted?

Well, maybe not, but...

But this is your thing.

You should post some of these online.

I bet you'd get loads of likes.

I'm not that shallow.

And this does not get you off the hook.

Who's for the cafe? It's two-for-one day.

And it's all kicking off.

All right, Malcolm, look.

-We don't want to string this out.

-Dee-dee.

-Sorry.

We want to settle this.

Yeah?

We'd like to apologise for calling you beanpole.

-And lanky.

-And Twiglet.

Anyway, it was a bit of a stretch.

-Tracy.

-Sorry.

That's more like it.

Come on, ballet boy. This is supposed to be a duet.

I hope the stain came out of your top. Fancy a tea?

Yeah. Two sugars, ta.

Oh, and a skinny latte.

-Dee-dee.

-Sorry.

A hot chocolate.

Wow. So she's actually human.

She did audition for the Lion King.

Yeah, to play Scar.

-How was that, Leo?

-Yeah, that was spot-on, Tracy.

Thanks. I owe you one.

-No, but you're sweet.

-Right back at ya.

So, did you get Leo to ask Tracy to do that?

Yep. She'll do anything for him.

-What he did he get from you?

-Dance lessons.

-What?

-To help with his footy skills.

I told him that Marcus Rashford has tap dance classes

that he never misses.

I've got to hand it to you.

Now she can't stop taking pictures, which is great,

because she's found her thing,

but she wants me to do a shoot as a mermaid.

Not going to happen.

Look. There's Siobhan.

I hope she never finds out what that message said,

and who really sent it.

You wouldn't. Not after I helped you.

Out of the mess you made for me?

So, I'm thinking, watery light, seaweed in the hair, and shells.

-No!

-Oh, Siobhan!

OK, OK.

-I'll do it.

-Oh, good.

So, what do you think of Glasgow?

It's great, you know.

PICTURE SMASHES

LAUGHTER

This is terrible.

Slate one, take one.

One. Jump!

LAUGHTER

FUNNY SQUIRTING NOISE

Come back, Craig, and all is forgiven.

On the other hand, it's like he's...

..never even left.

I said that I wanted to just hang out and chill,

and then he gives me this.

An I-tinerary.

How?

An itinerary.

Look we don't want to give them...

538, take three.

Don't forget Ri Rinn's catchphrase,

Se-gar-na-ta-may-ni!

LAUGHTER

An itinerary?

How is anyone...? No, sorry.

An itinerary.

Now is not the time.

-Name?

-It's Jake.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

It's Jake.

Fear not.

LAUGHTER

What?

Pretty smooth, though.

-An itiner...

-Itinerary.

-Yeah. An itin...

An itinerary. Yeah, right.

An itinerary.

How would Lauren know?

Burn.

Ah!

MUSIC PLAYS